Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Morning, morning!

Reg, coffee to go, please.

Ah, you're the superintendent of my building.

Why are you here sitting on your ass

when I don't have hot water in my

apartment?

Ah, a little.

Okay, give me a minute.

A minute?

This is not your girlfriend you're talking to,

this is me.

Hey you!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Nothing.

Nothing?

You're passing out coupons from another restaurant, aren't

you?

No.

Well, yes.

Get the hell out, you little creep!

Well, that took a lot of nerve.

How would they like it if I went

over to Wong's and passed out coupons to

eat here?

You're lucky if you can get the people

who eat here to eat here.

Shut up, Bob.

Huh, Wong's.

Listen to this.

Free egg roll with every entree.

See, that's not a bad deal.

Because that's the trick, you know.

They keep the prices low, but the egg

roll's where they get it.

As if you'd ever eat Chinese anyplace but

Maine's.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're a creature of habit.

If you ever varied your precious daily routine,

the earth would wobble out of the solar

system.

Why don't you just exaggerate it about a

billion times out of proportion?

You know, she's not that far off, John.

Every morning, you park your car, order a

coffee, and then get the paper.

Then you complain about the parking, insult the

coffee, and bitch about the paper.

And then he comes to work and complains

about all the morons in the diner.

Well, I'm with him on that one.

But there is something to be said for

the comfort of a daily routine.

Every day, Bob himself gets up at the

crack of noon and brushes his hair exactly

150 times.

With what?

A piece of buttered toast?

Hey, I was defending you.

I don't need defending, Bob.

I need hot water in my apartment.

And I am not a creature of habit.

You know, I have merely streamlined my life

down to the things that work for me.

What you call routine, I call refinement.

You can say whatever you want, Becker, but

we all know you're not going to want.

Because you are incapable of change.

Hey, what is this?

Are you daring me?

Is this some kind of challenge?

You know, Margaret, I'm starting to think he

might try one.

No way.

No, you're forgetting one very important aspect of

his personality.

He's cheap.

All right.

The free egg roll.

Hey, you know what?

You know what?

Screw all of you people.

I can change anytime I want to.

I simply don't want to.

Yeah, and another thing.

I am not cheap.

Tell him, Becker.

Shut up, Bob.

Hey, look at this.

He left me an extra quarter.

Maybe he is changing.

Say, did anyone find a...

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Well, Margaret, I guess you and the morons

down at the diner are way off base.

I had dinner at Wong's last night.

Oh, yeah, and if the IRS calls, so

did you.

We talk business.

Oh, business must be pretty bad.

Dinner for two, $7.50. Yeah, actually, if

you could turn a seven into a 17,

I'd appreciate that.

All in all, Wong's wasn't really too bad.

You ate at Wong's?

What happened?

Did Ming's burn down?

No, Ming's did not burn down.

Wong's was giving away a free egg roll.

Clever, because the egg roll's where they get

you.

Yeah, exactly.

Thank you.

Mrs. Rigney's in too.

Oh, I'm so bored.

Well, that's strange, because there's plenty to do

around here, like confirming patients' appointments, restocking the

exam rooms, refiling patient charts.

Nah.

Young and the Restless is on in 15

minutes.

I'll just tough it out till then.

Well, your thyroid level, blood counts, liver functions

are all normal.

There's nothing here really to explain your fatigue.

All I know is I'm just not feeling

like myself these days.

Well, your tests are all fine.

Is there anything going on in your life

that could be affecting your mood?

Well, maybe, but it's sort of embarrassing.

Mrs. Rigney, I'm your doctor.

Anything you say stays just between us.

My husband and I haven't had sex in

months.

The last time we did have sex, it

was like we were just going through the

motions, same positions.

Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.

I'm just worried that, well, I'd become another

boring housewife.

Well, now, you know, all couples go through

these times.

I mean, after all, you know, we all

become creatures of habit one way or another.

So what can I do?

Well, why don't you try something new?

You know, change in any area of your

life can be positive.

For instance, now, last night I changed my

routine.

I went to a new restaurant, and I

really enjoyed the experience.

Got a free egg roll.

So don't be afraid to experiment.

Shake things up a bit.

You know, that's always been my philosophy.

Thank you so much, Dr. Becker.

I feel better just having talked about it.

Oh, you're very welcome.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

What?

Experiment.

Shake things up.

You ever thought about naming your personalities?

New patient in one.

Oh, and Jake called.

He said he'll meet you here at five

to go to the game.

What game?

Oh, shoot.

The hockey game.

Don't tell me you didn't order those tickets.

I reminded you twice last week.

Of course I ordered the tickets, Margaret.

Give me your credit card.

I'll do it.

Thank you.

I...

I was going to.

I just...

Where's my credit card?

Oh, damn it.

When was the last time I used it?

1981.

Oh, you know, I left it at Wong's.

Oh, damn it.

See, now this is what happens when you

screw with things that work.

Oh, this would never have happened at Ming's.

I have a tab at Ming's.

Now I got to go all the way

down to Wong's, the busiest part of my

day, and get the stupid card back.

Oh, you could send Linda.

Yeah, unless she happens to be doing something

important and...

Sorry.

What was I thinking?

Oh, while you're out, pick me up an

egg salad sandwich.

What am I, some sort of lackey who

gets stuck doing all the lousy jobs nobody

else wants to do?

Okay, I know the answer to that.

But you don't have to treat me like

an idiot.

Now, what is that you want me to

do?

Credit card, Wong's, egg salad, go.

Egg salad.

Oh, hey, uh, Mr. Hatch.

I'm Dr. Becker.

Hey, Doc.

Want me to take my clothes off?

Because that's no problem.

Uh, why don't we just talk first?

All right.

Says that you're here for stomach distress.

Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?

No, but, uh, several months ago I was

out of the country.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen that before.

What, Mexico?

No, I was on this island.

Uh, my diet was pretty exotic.

I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food,

beetle larvae.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Hey, some of the other people there ate

rats.

Rats?

Well, why in the world would anyone do

that?

It was for Survivor.

Survivor?

You know, the contest, the show.

It was on television.

Television?

Oh, my God.

You know, what is this world coming to?

People are eating bugs and rats on a

stupid television show?

I swear to God.

You know, TV has become nothing more than

the Petri dish where this country grows its

idiots.

Don't people have better things to do with

their time than to debase themselves coast to

coast?

Well, I won.

Oh, yeah, won.

Yeah, please.

You know, what could you possibly have won

that would make up for your loss of

self-respect?

A million dollars.

Now, how would I get involved with something

like that?

Is that, is that, is that something I'm

interested in?

Hi, Reg.

Lunch to go, please.

Anything in particular?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Just put the brown stuff on the green

stuff, and then put the yellow stuff on

the side there.

Now, John, you remember to get the tickets

for tonight?

Oh, yeah, it's funny you should ask.

I was gonna order the tickets, but I

went to Wong's last night, and they forgot

to give me back my damn credit card.

Serves me right for changing my routine.

And I knew something like this was gonna

happen.

Obviously, you didn't, or you wouldn't have left

your credit card.

Did you, or did you not get the

tickets?

Jay, for all intents and purposes, yes, I

almost ordered the tickets.

So how was the food at Wong's?

It's Chinese food.

What's the difference?

If there's no difference, Becker, why not eat

at Wong's instead of Ming's?

If there's no difference, why not eat at

Ming's instead of Wong's?

Because there's no difference.

Which is exactly why I eat at Ming's.

Okay, are we going to the damn hockey

game or not?

Yes, yes, yes, we're going.

That is, assuming old man Wong and my

credit card aren't halfway to China by now.

On your credit card, he couldn't get halfway

to Chinatown.

Margaret, I'm back.

What's up?

My patience with Linda.

Do you know it took her over two

hours to go three blocks to Wong's, pick

up your credit card, get me an egg

salad sandwich, and get her butt back here?

Oh, good, you got my credit card.

Oh, I am so mad at her, I'm

starting to feel sick.

So then, did you order those hockey tickets?

Oh, I'm really sick.

Margaret, suck it up.

Did you or did you not order the

tickets?

Thank you for your compassion.

Your credit card is in the drawer, and

you can pick up the tickets at the

box office.

But now you owe me a favor.

Oh, Margaret, I'm really busy.

You are going to have a word with

Linda, and I mean a harsh word.

Oh, I can do that.

As a matter of fact, it would be

the highlight of my day.

Uh, Linda, where are you?

In your office, filing.

Well, I am.

Yeah, look, Linda...

Dr. Becker has had it with your cavalier

attitude.

It is unprofessional, it's aggravating, and it is

going to stop, or there are going to

be serious consequences.

Yeah, Linda, this whole...

Consequences up to and including dismissal.

Now, I'm sorry Dr. Becker has to be

so tough on you, but you screwed up

royal today, and we are sick and tired

of it.

Mostly sick.

Well, gee, Dr. Becker, you could at least

let me explain before you jump all over

me.

Well, Linda, I...

He's waiting.

Okay.

I picked up Margaret's sandwich, like she told

me to, which, by the way, I never

got a thank you for.

Then I went to Wong's to get the

credit card.

But while I was there, I noticed that

this guy was staring at me, which happens

a lot, because I guess I am reasonably

attractive.

And you are wearing a handkerchief for a

shirt.

Anyways, this guy was really scary and creepy,

and when I left there, I realized that

he was following me, so I walked all

over the city trying to lose him.

And it's unseasonably hot out there, in case

you haven't noticed.

Then I got on the subway, where there

was no air conditioning, and finally I cut

through Bloomingdale's, where I lost him.

I really know my way around that place.

So, Dr. Becker, maybe next time you'll think

twice before you come in and start barking

at me like that.

You carried my egg salad sandwich around in

this heat for over two hours?

No wonder I'm feeling sick.

Thanks a lot, Linda.

Finally!

You're welcome, Margaret.

Mr. Angelo, use the ointment.

They're parasites, they're not pets.

Where's Margaret?

Okay, I'll tell you, but I don't want

you to go off on me again like

you did in your office.

Linda.

She went home.

What?

Oh, come on, she can't do that.

She knows I have to get out of

here early for the hockey game.

She said she was too sick to work,

the big baby.

So, anyway, she's gone.

Hey, guys, you're on your own.

No, no, no, you get back here.

I've been here too long already.

What if that scary guy who was following

me comes in?

Oh, he's not gonna show up here, trust

me, Linda.

Oh, my God, there he is.

That, that's the big scary guy?

Oh, that's the coupon guy from Wong's.

Oh, for God's sake, Linda, don't be ridiculous.

He looks completely harmless.

Oh, geez.

Are you following Linda?

No.

Who's that girl who just ran down the

hall?

Linda.

Oh, then yes.

You know, a little tip, kid.

If you walk in a room and the

woman runs out, maybe she's not interested.

Linda.

What an unusual and beautiful name.

Are you busy?

Hey, you know what?

You're standing way too close.

Dr. Becker, I've been waiting since 4.30.

Yeah, well, it's only 5.

You're beating the average.

Sign here right now, please.

Oh, geez, you know what?

Rule one, personal space.

This is mine.

You're in it.

Get out of it.

Hey, Doc, am I going to have my

next birthday here?

Hey, give me a break, will you?

Margaret's out sick.

I'm doing the best I can.

What can I do to impress Linda?

You know, change your approach.

You mean like what?

Get a Harley?

No, I don't.

Yes, get a Harley, and get one now,

will you?

You Dr. Becker?

Yes, I am.

Just sign in right here.

I'm not a patient.

My wife is, Carla Rigney.

I understand you told her to try something

new.

Yeah, you know, I'm really busy right now.

She tried my next-door neighbor.

I found them in bed together.

Boy, you know, I'm almost positive I didn't

tell her to do that.

Do you believe this guy?

He told my wife to go out and

have an affair.

I didn't, I didn't.

Now, listen, I know you're upset.

You think I'm upset?

Wait till you see my neighbor's husband.

Husband?

Your wife had an affair with another woman?

Can you say that any louder?

I think there's one guy outside who can't

hear you.

No, I heard him.

Is this going to take much longer?

Because I've got to get home and start

dinner.

Do you mind?

We're talking girl-on-girl action here.

Speaking of mismatched plumbing, Becker, you've got the

wrong valve on your water heater.

You're going to need a new one.

So you've got to give me 20 bucks.

Doesn't the building have money for that sort

of thing?

I use that to dress up the place

a little.

So how do you like my new jacket?

Sure, our sex life wasn't perfect.

But a lesbian?

What color, Harley?

Blue.

Yeah, Mr. Garland, go on back to room

one, please.

No, two.

No, one.

Oh, hell, how does Margaret keep all this

straight?

Listen, I've been waiting since 3.30. You

said 4.30. Maybe I ought to go

see another doctor.

How the hell much longer is this going

to take?

Hey, Becky, where's the valve?

Hey, hey, keep it down.

I can't hear the TV.

Oh, my God, you're still here.

You want a ride in my Harley?

It's going to be blue.

Bob, is that a handkerchief?

Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.

Hey, you can't talk to her that way.

She's a woman of great beauty and grace.

Not to mention the boobage, huh?

No, you can't hit people.

Not even Bob.

That was so sweet of you.

What's your name?

Pete.

Pete, what an unusual and beautiful name.

I think he broke my nose, my beautiful

nose.

Oh, so I suppose you're going to see

him ahead of us.

Nah, he can walk it off.

Hey, Judd, ready to go to the game?

Oh, come on, man.

Hey, calm down, will you?

Actually, Jake, I can't go with you.

Margaret's not here, and I'm way behind.

So you have to find somebody else.

Oh, man.

Where am I going to find anyone so

pitiful that they can just pick up and

go at the last minute?

Thank you for thinking of me, Jake.

Like you didn't have plans.

Hey, I took a shot.

Oh, that's you, Jake.

Hi, there should be two tickets for John

Becker.

Becker, Becker, Becker.

Ah, here they are.

I'll just need to see your credit card,

Mr. Becker.

Oh, I'm not John Becker.

I see.

Next!

No, no, no, he bought them, and he

was supposed to come with us, but he

got stuck in the office.

You see, his nurse went home sick.

He had all these phases.

Okay, I'm going to stop you here, because

I honestly don't remember asking for your life

story.

Next!

Wait, wait, wait, what do you think?

We just picked a name out of the

phone book and drove down here on the

off chance that some guy named John Becker

would buy tickets and not show up?

How stupid do you think we are?

Perhaps we can discuss your stupidity another time.

Next!

Are there any other tickets available?

Sorry, we're sold out.

Next!

Next, next, is that all you can say?

Security!

All right, all right.

Damn, we came all the way down here,

and we don't even get to see the

game.

Hey, you want to buy some tickets?

Actually, we do.

80 bucks.

80 bucks for hockey tickets?

Hey, am I asking you why a blind

guy's going to a hockey game?

You want the tickets or not?

Jay?

Yeah.

Great.

Huh.

Here you go.

Well, I gotta run.

All right.

You'll see.

Are they good seats?

Yeah, they're great seats.

But Rugrat's on ice.

By the time I got through with that

guy, he didn't know what hit him.

Yeah, because nothing hit him.

Let me get this straight.

We're talking about that wimpy guy who was

in here giving out coupons, right?

Wimpy?

He had a Harley.

Well, we could have used him when Jake

got us mugged.

We did not get mugged.

We got scammed.

And it's not my fault that John got

stuck at the office because he had no

help.

No help?

What am I?

You're no help.

Oh, yeah?

Well, as I recall, Margaret, you were the

one who had to go home early just

because of a little food poisoning.

Excuse me?

I got food poisoning because you took my

egg salad sandwich on a tour of the

city.

Yeah, well, if you'd gotten Dr. Becker's credit

card yourself, none of that would have happened.

I don't remember you coming in here for

a sandwich.

Interesting.

The minute you hear food poisoning, you automatically

assume it's you.

In all fairness, it usually is.

I make great sandwiches.

You know, the next time I want something

done right, I'm going to join myself.

I'm going to kick his ass.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

It was Dr. Becker.

He was...

Nothing comes from pointing the finger at each

other.

You're all to blame.

What?

Yeah, let's take a look at this great

big mess, shall we?

Now, Reggie and Jake were mugged because I

was stuck at the office after Margaret got

sick from the sandwich that Linda picked up

before she was stalked by the guy from

Wong's where I had dinner.

Now, why did I have dinner at Wong's?

What?

Oh, that's right, that's right, because you all

told me that I should vary my routine.

As a matter of fact, I think I

was sitting...

I was sitting right here in my usual

seat when Margaret suggested that the Earth would

wobble out of the solar system if I

were ever to change.

Now, I don't think that I am the

center of the universe, but obviously I'm the

center of yours because, well, look what happened.

Look what happened.

Now, stick with me here.

Stick with me.

I think we learned three very valuable lessons.

One, I was right.

Now, let's just stop and savor that moment

for a minute, all right?

Okay, that's enough.

All right, two, no good ever comes from

change.

Ever.

Three...

Three.

Um...

Egg salad doesn't keep in the sun?

Close enough.

All right, let's say we get our lives

back to normal, shall we?

I'll start.

I'm off to Wong's.

Me!

Just checking.

electric guitar plays