Original subtitles

Don't look away.

SHE LAUGHS

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

Argh!

This is weird!

So tight.

THEY EXCLAIM

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Task.

Task who?

Task the way, a-ha, a-ha,

I like it. LAUGHTER

Doesn't particularly make sense,

and yet the allotted introduction time is filled,

and thus my contractual obligation,

and my next expensive holiday paid for.

See you in Cancun, Pablo.

Now, please welcome our five contestants.

Amy Gledhill...

...Armando Iannucci...

Hello!

...Joanna Page...

...Joel Dommett

and Kumail Nanjiani.

And next to me, a man that told me

that he gets up every morning really early

because his postman has nice eyes and slinky hips.

Mm.

♪ It's little Alex Ho-ooo-orne! ♪

Right. Thank you. Hello. Hello, Mr Postman.

Thank you for that.

Prize task, then. What's the category this time?

WATCH BEEPS Well, Greg, this categorisation

involves personification for your verification,

as they've brought in an ordinary household object

with the most personality.

Mm. What exactly is personality?

I don't know, but Greg does,

so he'll judge their objects fiercely,

and then the winner of the episode

will go home with five new inanimate friends.

WATCH BEEPS Perfect.

Right. Good.

Kumail, what household object have you brought in with personality?

So I... Object with the most personality.

So a few years ago, my friends and I,

for New Year's Eve, we got an Airbnb and there was an ice maker there,

and I'll tell you his name once we look at him.

Here he is.

Oh.

This is Flabbergasted Phillip.

And so, just to illustrate how much personality he has,

here is him reacting to

The Sixth Sense.

He can't believe it!

Oh. What a twist. Ah, Phil!

Flabbergasted Phillip did not see it coming.

GREG GUFFAWS

Ah, great.

And one more. This is... There we go.

...reacting to Joel pulling an egg

out of his crotch.

This is strong from you. Mmm.

I'm a big fan of Flabbergasted Phillip. Yeah.

And what noise...? I've got in my head

what noise I think Flabbergasted Phillip makes

when he's flabbergasted.

B-ah!

Joel, what have you brought in?

A corkscrew. All right.

Yeah. That's got so much personality!

Well, I didn't expect you just to have brought in any old corkscrew.

Yeah, but look how...

Cos then, when you...

Every time you get a bit of wine,

you open it up and it goes,

"O-o-oh, it's wine time!"

I think it goes the other way, doesn't it?

Yeah.

And then... No.

Ah!

It goes, "Ohh, it's wine time,"

and he goes, "Now."

Good. Good.

Armando, have you brought in something better than a corkscrew?

I loved this task, actually,

because it made me just look at everything.

And in the office,

the hole puncher next to the printer

does look like someone's dropped a safe onto a duck.

This is his actual house.

Oh, and the duck's definitely dead!

Oh. It's dead.

O-a-ah!

Strong. Visual and strong.

Amy. I've brought in Lovely Linda,

a pregnancy pillow.

There she is. Ooh!

Ohh.

And you get in there, you sort of...

You can hold it and she holds you back

and you're never sad ever again.

Can I tell you something? Yeah.

I have got one of these.

Yes! Yes!

And I didn't know it was a pregnancy pillow.

I just thought, "Oh, this looks like a comfy thing."

It's brilliant.

My ex-boyfriend bought me this pregnancy pillow

and then he never had to hug me again.

Oh, no.

Joanna, what have you bought in?

I've brought in my gnome pig.

Gnome pig! Gnome pig.

So... Oh, my God!

Whoa! Oh, I hate him!

You're not the only one.

I first found him 25 years ago

and he nearly ended my marriage,

cos I found him in a garden centre,

and he's about that tall.

Oh, my God!

Where do you ever seen a gnome sitting on a pig?

It's incredible.

Oh, I thought... Yeah. Oh, he's SITTING on the pig.

He's SITTING on the pig. Yep.

And my husband was adamant

that weren't going to put him in the garden,

and said he hopes that somebody wins

and finally he can be away from our life.

But I don't, and I wish I hadn't said that now

cos I want more than one point for him.

Yeah!

So the category is,

an ordinary household object with the most personality.

I think because Joel did such a lovely job

of giving his corkscrew personality,

I'm going to give him two points.

Two to Joel. Two to Joel.

Squashed duck, Lovely Linda, three points.

So three to Armando and three to Amy? Yes. OK.

And four points to...

Big moment. ..gnome pig. Ah.

And it would have been five points

if gnome pig didn't disgust me so much.

Flabbergasted Phillip,

I feel like he's become a friend.

Yeah. I love that guy.

B-ah!

So five points to Kumail! Five points!

Five points!

Right, let's move on. What's next?

A bit of bowdlerisation,

a soupcon of suppression

and a pissload... Whoops!

...of profanities.

Hey, man. Joel Dommett.

Fancy seeing you here. Yeah.

Well, I just want to say,

I think you are a complete BLEEP.

OK. Thank you very much.

Chair? I think you're an absolute BLEEP.

Just for the record,

I think you're a massive BLEEP.

What does that mean?

It's a compliment.

I think you are an absolute BLEEP.

Thank you. What do you think of me?

I think you're BLEEP.

I think you're BLEEP and BLEEP.

OK.

I think you're a twat.

OK.

All right, so where...

...is the t...?

Massive BLEEP.

I've been so nice to you.

You have, actually. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

ARMANDO TUTS, HUMS

Ooh, what's this? Hang on.

Oh, no, it's just a fire safety notice.

Erm... So where is it?

Right, well, it's very close to you.

Am I hot?

Yes. OK.

Is it up there? No. No?

Is it...? Oh, for fuck's sake.

Honestly!

What happened there? Oh!

"Something yourself something."

"Blank yourself blank."

"Most blank necessary blank wins.

"You have blank minutes."

It can't... I mean, it can't be...

It can't be, "Finger yourself silly."

That would be outrageous. LAUGHTER

Can I just take the tape off?

You can do whatever you want, Kumail.

"Censor yourself..."

"..unnecessarily."

I'm actually genuinely intrigued now.

I've sort of forgotten about the game and I've...

Not a game. It's not a game, it's a task.

"Most intriguing..."

"..unnecessary censorship wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

"Taskmaster."

So things that you're censored for are language,

nudity, political views.

"And this is where her career ended,

"when she was naked, shouting hate speech."

Alex... Mm.

...of all the things we just heard, what is the phrase I'm thinking of?

Yeah, it's, "Finger yourself silly." Jackpot. Yeah.

I don't know why that was the first thing that came to mind.

I don't really think that you would have asked that of us.

What I liked about it is you weren't making a joke.

You were really just working through it.

Yeah. "It can't be."

"I don't think it could be, 'Finger yourself silly'".

Am I right in thinking that Joel was the only one you insulted there?

I wouldn't have just insulted Joel.

I wouldn't have thought I would have singled him out in this series.

Erm... LAUGHTER

But I did call Joel a twat, and that's...

I just felt safe.

You became an entire shade of red I'd never seen before.

Yeah, it was awful.

He genuinely doesn't like saying bad things about people, though.

You know the worst thing I've ever heard him say?

"Well, they are difficult to like."

OK, let's go. Good news, kids,

it's story time with Miss Gledhill first of all.

This is a story called Alex And His Massive BLEEP.

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Alex

who was known across the land for having a ginormous BLEEP.

He'd brag about it to make appetites wet.

One woman said she'd love to

BLEEP and share it with her twin sister.

Alex proposed.

On their wedding night, he popped it on the table with one hand

and asked her to BLEEP it.

She tried, but it was so big it made her eyes water.

Alex waited till she was asleep and BLEEP off himself,

BLEEP so loudly that the wife ran in, alarmed.

She saw it had softened.

Her eyes didn't water any more.

She really loved it.

This is a story called Alex And His Massive Onion.

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Alex

who was known across the land for having a ginormous onion.

He'd brag about it to make appetites wet.

One woman said she'd love to cook it right up

and share it with her twin sister.

Alex proposed.

On their wedding night, he popped it on the table with one hand

and asked her to chop it.

She tried, but it was so big it made her eyes water.

Alex waited till she was asleep and browned it off himself,

frying so loudly that the wife ran in, alarmed.

She saw it had softened.

Her eyes didn't water any more.

She really loved it.

I knew I recognised your voice.

I wasted a fortune on those phone lines in the '90s!

Brown it off yourself!

Shall we have a brief interval? I think we should.

All right, then. It's time for a brief interval.

Off you go. Alex, good luck. Yes!

We let him bring his guinea pig in today.

It's dead, but he hasn't noticed.

LAUGHTER

We'll see you in a bit.

Hello!

Welcome back to the start of part two,

where our cast are busy censoring things unnecessarily,

but what's the key criteria I need to judge them on, Alex?

It's the most... Whoops! Whoops! MEOW SOUND EFFECT

...that wins.

OK. Next up,

he's the creative mastermind of a lot of the greatest comedy

to come out of the UK in the last 30 years,

so this is bound to be something rather special.

Armando Iannucci's unnecessary censorship. Ah.

Right, here we go.

Right, so you know what you're doing immediately, do you?

I think so. Don't you?

That's me. A bit of hair there.

Eyes.

Right.

A bit of pixelating.

Right, so here we go.

Censorship, right? Ready? ARMANDO CLEARS THROAT

Old MacDonald had a farm,

e-ugh, I, e-ugh, I, e-ugh.

And on that farm, he had some ble-ugh...

...e-ugh, I, e-ugh, I, e-ugh.

With a e-ugh, e-ugh there

and a e-ugh, e-ugh there,

here...

Here, a e-ugh, there, a e-ugh,

everywhere, a...

Oh, ugh, fuck it, run!

Old MacDonald had a farm...

Ugh, fuck it! ...E-I...

GARBLED GRUNT ...I...

GARBLED SPEECH

...O.

E... HE GROWLS

No, wait. GROWLING CONTINUES

O.

Is there a time limit? Am I done or do I do more?

I feel like you might have done enough. OK.

During the break, I said to them,

"I think I might look like I'm having a nervous breakdown."

I have a question. Yes.

Why did it say, "Help me"?

Well...

Well, I think that's rather evident.

I just felt like writing it!

It's absolutely fascinating. Yeah.

It all happened very quickly, didn't it, Armando? It did, yeah.

You rushed in, you did that... Yeah.

...and then rushed out again. Yeah.

Did you find me in the end?

I think I just wandered off into a park.

You were still doing it in the park, yeah. Yeah.

There was a duck pond there,

and I threw a safe onto one of the ducks.

Well, who's next?

Let's try and find something that's, you know, less frightening.

Well, Greg, we're actually going to see

all three of the remaining attempts at unnecessary censorship

with Joanna, Joel and Kumail.

It's really hot today, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's warm.

Oh, my God, it's balmy!

And the air conditioner is not working?

We don't have AC here, I'm so sorry.

Are you not used to this?

Oh, my God.

No, not THIS kind of heat.

This is too much.

KUMAIL EXHALES

I feel I'm gonna overheat.

Hey, do you have any scissors?

Oh, thank you. Don't run with them.

I'm not going to run with them.

I'm not gonna run, it's too hot.

JOANNA GROANS

JOANNE GROANS, GRUNTS

Oh, that's much better.

SCISSORS CLATTER

Ohh.

Oh, that's much better.

Ah. KUMAIL CHUCKLES

Hey, guys. Hey. Hey. Sorry.

We're doing a television show, and if you sign this,

we can unblur your face.

OK. Just everybody sign there.

Is that all right? Yeah, yeah. OK.

Should I sign for him? Yeah, yeah.

OK. Sign for legal guardian,

I suppose, all of that stuff.

It's a lovely view, isn't it? Yeah.

Beautiful.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

JOANNA GROANS

Oh, that hit the spot!

KUMAIL EXHALES You look better.

Oh, it's breezy now, isn't it?

Lovely.

Kumail, what's going on with the...?

Oh, um...

I was born without nipples.

All the men in my family

are born without nipples.

You know what they called me in school?

"No nipple Nanjiani."

You see? There's nothing there.

It's just... You...

You should ask before you touch. Oh, sorry.

Just ask.

I don't know what the hell's going on.

There's double layers of unnecessary

because male nipples don't need to be censored anyway,

plus, I don't got any.

Oh, my God.

This has all freaked me out so much,

I've almost forgotten that

Joanna seemed to be ramming things into her backside...

...and ostensibly, Joel's VT showed him revealing his penis to a child.

With permission - he signed the form.

With permission. With permission.

I'm feeling a bit better.

I wouldn't get too comfortable.

What was it? Censor yourself unnecessarily.

Most unnecessary censorship wins.

"Unnecessary"? Most unnecessary.

I'm giving Amy five points

because there was no need to censor any of that,

because it was a lovely story about an onion.

There were things in all of the others

that should have been censored,

so I'm giving everybody else four points.

Right. Whoa!

OK, Five, four, four, four, four.

APPLAUSE

OK, what are the scores right now, Alex?

Right. It's close this time.

Amy and Joanna are in joint second on eight points.

Kumail's in the lead with nine points.

WHISTLING

Right, let's have another one, please.

Well, I have a lovely one right here with bells on.

BELLS JANGLING

Wow.

Wow!

Are you going to fire me out of a cannon or...? What's...

I'm not sure yet. Ha-ha, ha.

You look good. Thank you very much. Safety first.

Hello, Joanna. Hello!

You look like a safety-conscious tourist.

JOANNA CHUCKLES

Hello, Kumail. Alex.

You're covered in bells.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a sort of modern jester, is it? Very much so.

Would it be inappropriate to call you a bellend?

Open up the task.

JOANNA GASPS "Take the most photos

"featuring at least 50% of the Taskmaster's assistant."

That's you.

"The Taskmaster's assistant must stay within the arena..."

"..and will run when you clap." Mm-hm.

The arena is the courtyard.

"You must wear your blindfold correctly at all times

"and must not run."

Oh, I see.

I'm going to hear you. ARMANDO LAUGHS

"You have ten minutes and a maximum of 24 pictures.

"Your time starts when you have donned your blindfold."

Right. So I've got to capture you using these things.

Taking pictures with my ears!

I think this will be the hard bit, putting this on.

And when that's on, I'll start the clock.

Right, there we go. 24 pictures, ten minutes.

Don't waste your pictures. There we go.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, that sounded painful.

Was it as painful as it sounded? It was... Sorry?

Was it painful?

I'm also hard of hearing - that's the other problem.

Ah, right. It's OK.

If you sort of think about

the things that the bricks of Hampton Court

have witnessed over the years,

this feels like a real come-down, doesn't it?

A hard-of-hearing man with boggle-y eyes,

a grown woman saying, "So I've got to take pictures with my ears."

But I am very much looking forward to it.

Well, first to clap and snap,

it's comedian Amy Gledhill

and TV presenter Joel Edmunds.

Here we go.

Have you got your blindfold on? Yes.

OK.

24 pictures. All right.

And the time has started?

Hello?

OK, I guess that means the time started.

OK, so if I...

AMY SQUEALS, LAUGHS

JOEL EXHALES

Follow me. I can see little bells tinkling.

Where are you?

AMY SQUEALS

The bells are close!

AMY SCREAMS

JOEL GRUNTS

Ahh!

The bells have stopped.

You've taken the top off.

JOEL GASPS

Where have you gone? AMY SQUEALS

AMY GASPS

Oh, you're so close,

you creepy, creepy bell man.

Ha.

What part of the body is that?

Well, I'm sort of content.

It's what? Nothing.

BELL TOLLS JOEL STARTLES

That's confusing.

You've got ten seconds. OK. Good.

I don't know how many photos I've taken. Ten seconds.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Where do you think you are?

I don't know.

Oh, I didn't think I was here.

AMY SIGHS

Well, sort of as I imagined, really.

Not a lot of dignity there, but good, I thought.

It's really scary

because you're blindfolded and it's cobble-y

and there's a creepy, creepy bell man running around.

I would very much like Creepy, Creepy Bell Man

to catch on as a name.

Joel, at one point, Alex was lying on the floor

and you felt his heel up to his sock

all the way up his leg,

and then he spoke to you

and you still couldn't work out what position he was in.

Yeah, it was difficult.

I think I became mesmerised by his thighs.

It happens. OK.

This is the end of part two,

whether you like it or not.

Hello!

Welcome back to part three,

where this idiot's been prancing about

in the extreme heat covered in bells.

Yes.

They have to take the most photos featuring at least 50% of me,

and can take a maximum of 24 pictures.

Also, I must run when they clap,

and I'm pretty sure that's the only bit Kumail heard,

so here he is now, as well as Armando and Joanna.

BELLS JANGLE

Alex? Alex, are you there?

Can we call a time-out?

I have something very important to ask you.

Alex, I have a medical emergency.

Alex, I have a medical emergency, talk to me.

What is the problem?

Right.

BELLS JANGLE

JOANNA LAUGHS

I just realised it's really hot,

and if I clap, you have to run.

KUMAIL LAUGHS

Ah!

KUMAIL LAUGHS

Are you enjoying running in the sun? No, I don't like it.

JOANNA LAUGHS If I make you run,

you might get tired and then stay still.

How many photos do you think you've taken, Jo?

I think I've taken loads,

so you can enjoy your last ten seconds.

OK. Go, Alex, go!

ARMANDO CLAPS I've probably used them up,

so I'm just going to keep clapping. Ah, really?

KUMAIL LAUGHS

KUMAIL CLAPS

Are you tired? Yes, I'm really tired.

KUMAIL CHORTLES

Whoa! I'm sweating pints.

Are you all right? No.

Cup of tea? Cup of tea? Yeah. Yeah.

As far as I can work out,

Kumail and Joanna just mainly used this task

as an excuse to make him run around.

I enjoyed it. Oh, yeah,

we could tell because you were hooting like a mad woman.

How did Armando do? Was Armando the most accurate?

Armando did do very well,

but Kumail was the only one who had a proper tactic,

which was to stand as far away from the noise as possible,

when you're more likely to get more of me in the field of vision. Wider.

Because I realised early on that he was ducking.

Did you realise that, Joel?

No.

That's the difference between me and Kumail,

because, you know, he's an incredible actor

and he knows sort of the depth of field... Yeah.

...and I'm going, like, "Ooh, bells!"

Joanna's tactic was to take 87 pictures.

87?

And we could only use the first 24 of them, which weren't your best.

Oh, my God. I can show you what they did if you want.

Yes, show me.

So the most photos of 50% of me

was taken by Kumail, who took 12.

Ah! Amy and Armando both got ten photos of me.

Joanna, six photos of me.

Joel, just three out of 24.

What? Ah.

Oh, I'm shocked because I was like,

"I'm OK tanking this one just to make you miserable,"

and I won! Ha-ha!

Five points to Kumail.

Yes. Well done.

So that means Joel got one point, Joanna, two points.

Joint second, Amy and Armando get four points,

but the winner is Kumail with five points.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE Well done, Kumail.

Lovely. Let's have one more task, please. Oh, yes.

And just like when Greg goes for a run,

this one involves a lot of staring.

BUZZER BEEPS

Hello. Ooh!

Joel. How's it going? Yeah, good.

Shall I open this or... Yes.

...are you going to banter?

No, I just want to watch you put your glasses on.

"Do not look away from this task."

"Put nine nuts and/or nails in the nappy."

"Put pine nuts and/or nails..."

Do you want to try to read that one again?

"Put pine nuts and/or nails in the nappy."

Definitely?

"Put pine nuts..." That's the bit I'm worried about.

Oh.

I read it so many times! I read it so many times!

I read it so many times.

"Every time you look away,

"one minute will be added to your time."

"You have a maximum of 19 minutes. Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

I did not really get a... BUZZER BEEPS

Oh, you just looked away from the task.

"Put nine nuts..."

"Put nine nuts in..."

BUZZER BEEPS I read it so many times!

I'm sorry! BUZZER BEEPS

I'm not sure we should bother seeing the task.

I think we've had our fun with this, haven't we?

Look, it's no secret, I'm losing this whole show...

...I find reading the task the hard bit.

It's not looking great for me.

The only saving grace is

I've got a fucking egg in my pocket.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's do it, man.

Two people up first. It's Jo, it's Kumail.

It's Jo and Kumail.

OK, so,

one minute will be added to my time. BUZZER BEEPS

I'm going to do a quick one.

I'm going to give it a quick one to look around.

Right, there's the nappy.

Right, where are nuts?

BUZZER BEEPS

JOANNA GUFFAWS

BUZZER BEEPS You definitely just looked...

ALEX STIFLES LAUGHTER - I did. - Yes, you did.

Pop Goes The Weasel

Why was I still surprised?

BUZZER BEEPS

In the nappy... BUZZER BEEPS

BUZZER BEEPS You just looked away from the task.

No, I didn't. That time I did NOT.

What are they? I think that's a party popper.

I'm going to do it at the floor.

Whoa!

I saw there was a hammer in here.

Eugh!

BUZZER BEEPS That's just a hammer.

BUZZER BEEPS, SQUEAKING Ooh!

Nine nuts. There's a nut in there.

OK, that's a nut.

BUZZER BEEPS Hey, we've got a nut.

Is that a nut? It is a nut.

It's so unpleasant.

"Put nine nuts..." God, that is a lot, isn't it?

What is that? BUZZER BEEPS

Oh! It's a nut.

Ooh.

BUZZER BEEPS Nut?

No, that was a tiny rubber ducky

and you know it.

BUZZER BEEPS It is...

BUZZER BEEPS ...an egg.

JOANNA GIGGLES

BUZZER BEEPS

Nuts. That's two nuts.

Right.

BUZZER BEEPS It's a nail.

It's a nail!

"Put nine nuts or nails

"in the nappy." Ha-ha!

JOANNA LAUGHS

I've got the nail.

Is this guy holding something?

Oh, my God.

He's holding a nut.

Oh, my God, were all the other things

also holding nuts? BUZZER BEEPS

Oh, wow, that's so small. BUZZER BEEPS TWICE

What is it? It's a nut. Oh.

There's something in there.

He's going to have lots of nuts.

One, two, three, four.

Is this the nappy?

You're making me take underwear off a doll

and that feels very wrong.

If you want.

If I want?

None of this is what I want!

I don't think it's big enough

to hold everything.

Oh, OK. So then this would be the nappy.

So I did this for no reason.

JOANNA GASPS Damn it!

BUZZER BEEPS It's a nut. OK.

Oh, yeah, that's nine, baby.

I have got nine nuts.

Honestly, very proud of how I handled that.

I've stopped the clock. Wow!

I feel like I nailed that.

I went through a few emotions with you, Kumail, during that. Yeah.

My fear was that people in Hollywood would be watching,

and they would see you jump with fear over a jack-in-the-box

that you'd set yourself.

And then, of course, we hit upon the thing

that I think everyone will remember you for,

and that's taking tiny pants off a doll.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

No, you said nappy. I didn't know there was a nappy

cos we weren't allowed to look away from the card...

Mm. ..and I thought, "Well, I don't think I could

"fit nine nails in this baby doll's underwear."

Joanna was absolutely on point. Mm-hm.

Sense of absolute authority,

particularly proved by,

"Right, this is a party popper.

"I'm going to fire it on the floor."

Why? Why? Why? In c...

I didn't want to take any of the crew out!

Joanna had a very good tactic,

because it's every time you look away,

one minute will be added to your time, and you said,

"Right, well, I'm going to have a little look at the beginning..."

Yeah. Yeah. ...but if you just carried on...

It's every time you look away. You could look away once,

gather all nine... Oh, my God!

We thought you were going to do that.

You started doing that and then you stopped yourself.

Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.

Kumail, you looked away so many times.

It took you 12 minutes, 15 seconds to find the nine things

and you looked away 78 times, so that's... Oh, my God.

...over an hour and a half. Oh, my God.

Over an hour and a half.

Compared to Joanna, 5 minutes 40. Oh, thank God.

You looked away 31 times, so that's 36 minutes, 40 seconds.

Oh, my God.

Right, now it's Amy and Joel's turn to put pine nuts in the nappy.

Is that a nut?

That's a nut. Ah, great.

Are you allergic to nuts?

Oh, no. Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Nuts or nails?

Nuts or nails? BUZZER BEEPS

No. That's a slight look away.

Argh!

JOEL SIGHS

Nut.

That's a nut.

Duck.

Eugh! It's wet!

It's wet and that's soft.

That's, like, a hammer or something? Mm-hm.

BUZZER BEEPS OK. OK.

BUZZER BEEPS OK. O...

OK.

Oh, ice. Ice balls.

What would an ice ball be?

What is that?!

If it's icy, there could be something inside the ice.

Ha!

Oh, it's a duck! It's a goddamn duck!

Is that a finger?

Oh, a nail!

Nail! These have to melt? BUZZER BEEPS

Oh, yeah.

All right. OK.

Pop Goes The Weasel

Huh! Is that a nut?

Oh, ha! Oh, yes!

Four of the nails there.

Can I get them off?

Oh, baby. It's a duck.

It's a... It's a fucking duck!

Please be a nut.

Yes! That is a nut.

Oh!

Oh, you're trying to melt an ice ball. Yeah.

It's gonna be in one of these, isn't it?

It's gonna be in one of these.

Hammer. There's a hammer.

Yes.

Alex, it's nearly out!

Great news. Ah!

That's out. That's out.

Ooh, it's a nail.

Oh, this is great!

That's out!

That's out, quick as a flash.

Last one.

Nails. I haven't got many nails.

There's got to be, like, more nails.

Where do you normally find nails? BUZZER BEEPS

The wall?

JOEL GASPS Oh! O-o-oh!

Stop it! Where's my hammer?

You need three more.

Oh, that's so fun to pull out.

This is a NAIL nail.

Oh, it just came out! BUZZER BEEPS

Agh! Stop the clock!

I've stopped the clock.

Ah, that felt cool.

30 seconds.

Yeah!

Oh, I've always wanted to use

the other side of the hammer!

I've stopped the clock. Yes!

Well, I often liken Joel to a child in this series,

and he didn't disappoint.

He was the only person to put nuts in his mouth,

he shouted, "Oh, that's so fun to pull out," about a nail.

My favourite quote -

"I've always wanted to use the other side of a hammer!"

So great. You know, it's all fun hitting them in... Mm.

...but I've never... Pulled one out!

...had the confidence to pull them out.

You started off childlike as well, I thought.

There was actually a still where I thought,

"Aw, Amy looks ten years of age there."

Yeah. Here, look at her little face.

"Oh, I'm all wet." Aw!

You look cute.

You certainly got rid of any innocence

once you started defrosting ice cubes with your cleavage.

I found myself going, "Ooh, matron."

Well? Well. Yeah, she did do well.

She did it in 9 minutes, 8 seconds.

Joel, 18 minutes, 48 seconds.

But Joel only looked away six times in total. Wow!

By far the least.

Amy looked away ten times in total... OK.

...which means you scored 24 minutes 48.

Amy, 19 minutes, 8 seconds. Oh, wow.

She's in the lead at the moment. Good. Wow.

Yeah. One person left to see.

And is the fact that you've kept me to the end...

It's interesting, isn't it?

...because I might come across as a lunatic?

Well, I'm sure we're all looking forward to seeing Old MacDonald.

Right, that's the end of part three.

Soon, someone will win five ordinary household items

and then have to celebrate with them onstage

in what is set to be the blandest end credit sequence

we've ever had on the show.

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello!

Here we are, then.

It's the last part of the show,

and the first item on the agenda is completing a task

involving some intense concentration.

Yes, because they have to stare at the task the whole time

while trying to source nine nuts and/or nails.

And if you're after a good concentration face,

then look no further than the final attempt with Armando.

Ooh, is that a nappy?

Got the nappy. Great.

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

I've got a nut! Yes.

It's actually quite therapeutic!

Right, I'm done with this. OK.

I'm bored with glop.

Poppers or something?

I mean, as in party poppers. Yeah.

There we go, like that. Ow.

Did something come out of that, did you say? Yeah, it hit me.

Yeah. So if I do that...

Oh, it's a nut. Yes.

Whoa!

Right, OK.

Ooh, hang on.

Can't go wrong with a sock.

Oh, right.

Oh, yes, there's a nut.

I forgot that I could actually hold things up in front of me.

I actually forgot the use of my eyes.

Why are you looking up so high? Well...

Yes, I could look down, couldn't I? While I'm doing all this?

Ah! Oh, it's a hammer.

Right, what's this? What the fuck is this?

BUZZER BEEPS Oh, that's...

Oh, that's disappointing.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ah, a gold mine. Happy days.

Yeah.

ARMANDO GROANS

Who's that?

"Jimmy."

Is he, like, a nut?

He'll nut you. Jimmy Nut? Jimmy Nut.

If it is, it's weak.

No, it's not Jimmy Nut.

Ooh!

Something fell there.

Aha, there's a nut.

BUZZER BEEPS And while I'm here, I might as well

just do a general sweep round as I turn.

BUZZER BEEPING REPEATEDLY

There we go. Ah.

ARMANDO LAUGHS - Stop the clock? - Oh!

It was Jimmy Nail, not Jimmy Nut.

Exactly. Jimmy Nail. Yeah, I worked it out now.

I worked it out now. I just got it.

There was character work there - "Ooh, the hammer!"

I think this episode has set you free.

Can't wait for the finale.

Well, he was doing well.

He was quite quick - 11 minutes, 11 seconds.

But there were 35 looks away.

So scores-wise,

obviously, Kumail, one point with an hour and a half.

Armando, you were second last, you get two points -

46 minutes in total.

Joanna, third, three points, Joel, second, four points.

The winner was Amy Gledhill with 19 minutes and 5 points!

Wow. Fabulous.

OK, everyone,

please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

Who will be reading the task out, young man?

Amy Gledhill. Gledhill!

Sir.

"Wearing your mask correctly at all times,

"tell your team-mate when to stop with their mop.

"The person whose mop stops closest to their face

"without touching their face wins the round.

"The mop bearer must slowly walk at a constant pace

"and softly squeak at a constant volume.

"Best team after five rounds wins."

It's a team task.

Joanna and Armando are one team, of course,

and then we've got the team of three.

It's like a squeaky joust.

It's what Henry VIII used to do with his many wives.

Let's squeak-joust!

ARMANDO AND KUMAIL SQUEAK

Stop!

KUMAIL SQUEAKS Stop!

- Ooh! - Ooh! OOHING & AHHING

Stay there. I'm going to measure, I think.

Mm. From the nose to the mop,

we have 60cm,

to the middle of the mop.

We have 45cm.

The team of two are 1-0 up.

Oh! CHEERING

Very impressive.

On the whistle, squeak.

JOANNA AND AMY SQUEAK

Stop.

AMY SQUEAKS Stop!

Oh!

He's struck. The mop touched the face.

The team of two win again. Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, very good! Woohoo!

Come on! So close. Round three.

2-0 to the team of two so far, Greg.

Come on, team. Ready, squeak.

JOEL AND ARMANDO SQUEAK

Stop!

JOEL SQUEAKS Stop!

Whoa! Oh!

APPLAUSE Oh, that was good.

Ahh!

The team of three are back in it. Ooh! It's 2-1. 2-1.

CHEERING

Can I be Amy? Yeah! Ooh!

I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that.

If you wouldn't mind raising your mops.

Do I look good? Yes.

You look fantastic. Masks on.

Do not slow down, and squeak.

JOANNA AND KUMAIL SQUEAK

Stop!

KUMAIL SQUEAKS Stop!

AUDIENCE GASP - Oh! - Ooh!

I think it's fine. Yeah.

I think it's fine. It's a centimetre.

I've gone metric. Wait, really?

The team of two have won again.

AMY GASPS It's 3-1 to the team of two.

Wow. Yay! Oh.

It was so close.

The best celebration from Amy for a loss there.

OK, it's the final round, Greg.

Again, constant pace.

No slowing down, and squeak. WHISTLE BLOWS

ARMANDO AND AMY SQUEAK

Stop! Stop!

AMY SQUEAKS Ooh, this is close.

OK, to the edge of the mop this time.

31cm.

Whoa! To the edge of the mop...

...13cm. They've won again.

At 4-1, the team of two wins.

CHEERING

We'll add that to the scores.

Come down and join me. Well done.

What an enjoyable game.

Joanna and Armando were in sync, weren't they? In sync.

They won 4-1, which, of course, converts to 5-2 in points. Mm.

So it's two points to the team of three,

five to Joanna and Armando. There it is!

CHEERING

We're on the way!

So... So a close episode.

The team of two both got 18 points.

They're both in second place,

cos Amy's got 19 points!

Amy Gledhill wins!

As is the show's formality,

please get your objects with a personality!

It's Amy Gledhill!

Whoa-ahh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media