All language subtitles for B.S01E17.Its.Not.a.Mint.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-Cinefeel_track3_[eng]

( exhales )

MRS. WEIDEMEYER?

IT'S ME, SASHA.
YOUR NEIGHBOR.

ARE YOU HOME?

COME ON, YOU OLD CRONE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS HOME.

GINNY, HEY. IT'S ME.
I JUST GOT HOME

AND MY FRONT DOOR
IS WIDE OPEN.

NOT SURE WHAT TO DO.
CALL ME.

( phone beeps )

MRS. WEIDEMEYER,

IF YOU'RE THERE
AND YOU HEARD

THAT UNFORTUNATE
VERBAL SLIP I JUST MADE,

I'M VERY SORRY,
IT CAME OUT OF THE MOMENT,

AND I WANT TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

I THINK YOU HAVE
AN MRI NEXT WEEK?

LOVE TO BE YOUR WHEELS.

BOO? NOT THERE. OKAY.

WHAT GOOD ARE CELLPHONES?

LOOK, THERE MIGHT BE
A BURGLAR IN MY PLACE.

CALL ME.

( phone beeps )

CALL POLICE.

Phone:
Calling Paula. Mobile.

- CANCEL.
- ( phone beeps )

CALL POLICE.

Phone: Calling Paulito's
Trattoria. Work.

- CANCEL.
- ( phone beeps )

CALL POLICE.

Phone: Calling Paul's
Bakery. Work.

( theme music playing )

OH.

- MM. DELICIOUS.
- HEAVEN.

- WHOA.
- WHAT?

- I THINK I JUST SAW GOD.
- FROM EATING A MARSHMALLOW?

- HIS WAYS ARE STRANGE.
- WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

- JUDY GARLAND.
- GOD'S A GOOD GIG FOR HER.

YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND,
TRULY.

COME.
HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.

"MY HIPS SAY NO,
BUT MY MOUTH SAYS

GET IN THERE, TRULY,
AND ENJOY SOMETHING

WITHOUT FEELING
THE LIFE-SUCKING GUILT

YOUR MOTHER BEAT INTO YOU
FOR 20 YEARS."

IS THAT HOW
THE OLD SAYING GOES?

- WORD FOR WORD.
- ( cellphone ringing )

COOLNESS. A TEXT
FROM MY FIANCE.

OH, THEY CAN TEXT ON
LIFE ALERT PENDANTS
NOW?

IGNORING THAT.

HE'S ALL PACKED AND READY
TO DRIVE OUT HERE TOMORROW.

HIS BEST MAN'S
RIDING SHOTGUN.

THEY HAVE BEEN FRIENDS
SINCE GRADE SCHOOL.

- ISN'T THAT CUTE?
- THEY CAN REMINISCE
ABOUT SOUP LINES

AND ICE WAGONS.

BEST MAN? WHEN ARE YOU
AND RICK GETTING MARRIED?

TOMORROW.
ON THE BEACH AT SUNSET.

RECEPTION TO FOLLOW
AT THE MADONNA INN.

THE WEIRDEST, COOLEST
PLACE IN CALI.

AH, GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT
MARRYING A LOVELY MAN OF
MEANS MEANS?

NO MORE PERFORMING.
I CAN HANG UP THE TIGHTS,

HANG UP THE HEADDRESSES.
DO YOU KNOW I HAVE WORKED

EVERY NEW YEAR'S EVE
SINCE I WAS 17?

I HAVE NEVER
CELEBRATED NEW YEAR'S.

NOW RICK AND I CAN
CELEBRATE NEW YEAR'S.

All: IF HE MAKES IT
TO NEW YEAR'S.

- SO OBVIOUS.
- GETTING SLOPPY.

AND I CAN CRAFT.

I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO CRAFT.

YOU HAVE NEVER
WANTED TO CRAFT.

WELL, I DO NOW.
IT'LL BE DIRTY CRAFTING,

BUT IT'LL BE CRAFTING.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE GYM SIX DAYS A WEEK.

I CAN EVEN GAIN
THREE POUNDS.

- THINK ABOUT THAT!
- I'D STILL LOVE YOU
IF YOU GAINED FIVE.

AND I CAN GET A PACK
OF PEKINGESE TO GREET
ME AT THE DOOR

WHEN I COME HOME FROM
NOT WORKING OR WORKING OUT.

AND I CAN FEED THEM FROM
MY GIANT BOWL OF BONBONS.

WHAT'S A PEKINGESE?
LONG-HAIRED DOG?

SHORT HAIR.
I THINK, YEAH. SHORT.

AND YOU WON'T
MISS PERFORMING?

THAT'S YOUR THING,
NOT MINE.

BECAUSE RICK'S
YOUR THING NOW.

RICK'S MY THING.

AND MICHELLE'S
YOUR MAID OF HONOR?

OH, WE DIDN'T EVEN
TALK ABOUT THAT.

I'LL DO IT
IF YOU WANT ME TO?

BECAUSE MAID OF HONOR

IS AN IMPORTANT PART
OF ANY WEDDING, I THINK.

WITH THE SYMBOLISM,

AND THE EXPRESSIONISM,
AND THE CEREMONIALISM,

AND THE DALAI-LAMA-ISM.

WHERE'S SHE
GOING WITH THIS?

ONE OF THOSE
WASN'T EVEN A WORD.

I JUST THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE

A DESIGNATED
MAID OF HONOR.

I WOULD BE A GREAT
MAID OF HONOR.

NO ONE'S EVER ASKED ME.
BUT THEY SHOULD.

BECAUSE I WOULD BE GREAT.

IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF,
WHICH I JUST DID.

- OH, YOU GOTTA.
- YOU DON'T MIND?

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

TRULY,

WILL YOU BE MY
MAID OF HONOR?

YES! REALLY?
I'LL BE A GREAT ONE.

I JUST SAID THAT,
DIDN'T I?

WE NEED MORE CHOCOLATE.

MORE CHOCOLATE
COMING UP.

IS SHE GONNA REMEMBER
SHE ASKED TOMORROW?

VERY IFFY.

- SASHA?
- AAH!

I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY?

I LOCKED THAT
THIS MORNING FOR SURE.

I REMEMBER DOING IT.

DID YOU CALL
THE POLICE?

YES, AFTER BEING
ON HOLD FOR 20 MINUTES

THEY TOLD ME TO
GO IN AND SEE IF

ANYONE'S THERE.

- THAT'S STUPID.
- I WAS DISAPPOINTED.

WELL, IT'S PROBABLY
NOTHING.

I'LL GO IN AND MAKE SURE
IT'S ALL FINE.

I LOCKED THAT DOOR.

- I BELIEVE YOU.
- BE CAREFUL.

DON'T STEP
ON MY FRUIT!

IT'S AN ORANGE.
WHO CARES?

IT'S A TANGELO.
IT'S ORGANIC,

AND IT COST LIKE
A THOUSAND DOLLARS.

OKAY. I'LL WATCH
THE TANGELOS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M COMING WITH.

- NO.
- I CAN HELP.

- I KNOW THE PLACE.
- I KNOW THE PLACE TOO.

I KNOW IT BETTER.

IT'S A ONE BEDROOM
APARTMENT.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU NEED
THE SCHEMATICS OR ANYTHING.

- I'M GOING WITH YOU.
- FINE.

ANYONE THERE?

IF YOU'RE THERE,
YOU'RE GONNA WISH
YOU WEREN'T.

OH, GOOD. THAT WAS GOOD.
NICE FORCEFUL TONE.

LISTEN, THERE'S
A BASEBALL BAT
UNDER THE COUCH.

I DON'T NEED
A BASEBALL BAT.

AND THERE'S AN UMBRELLA
IN THE LINEN CLOSET.

IT'S GOT PRETTY PONY ON IT,
BUT THE END'S REALLY POINTY.

YOU CAN POKE
HIS EYES OUT.

HELLO?

THERE'S A TENNIS RACKET
BY THE FIREPLACE

AND THERE'S AMMONIA
UNDER THE SINK.

SO WE CAN DISINFECT HIM?

BLIND HIM.
THEN WE'LL OVERTAKE HIM.

UNLESS HE FOUND
THE PRETTY PONY UMBRELLA,

IN WHICH CASE
WE'RE DONE FOR.

WAS THIS DOOR CLOSED
WHEN YOU LEFT?

YES.

NO.
I DON'T REMEMBER.

GET THE PRETTY PONY.

- ( banging, clanging )
- AAH! ROMAN!

THERE IS A VERY LARGE
SPIDER IN THAT BATHROOM.

A SPIDER?

I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
PALEOLITHIC HORROR MOVIE
TYPE STUFF HERE.

WHERE'S MY UMBRELLA?

HE TOOK IT FROM ME.

THIS IS A VERY
SERIOUS SPIDER.

WHAT ABOUT THE BEDROOM?

( exhales )

LET'S CHECK IT.

THERE'S ANOTHER
BASEBALL BAT IN
THE CLOSET

AND THERE'S A CROWBAR
UNDER THE BED.

REMIND ME NEVER TO
MAKE YOU MAD AT ME.

- ( sighs )
- ANYTHING?

JUST THE CROWBAR.

I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

- WE'RE GOOD?
- WE'RE GOOD.

GOOD.

- THANK YOU FOR COMING.
- ANYTIME.

I'VE NEVER LEFT
THAT DOOR OPEN.

THAT WAS SO STUPID.

YEAH.
YOU SHOULD WATCH THAT.

I KNOW YOU
COULDN'T TELL,

BUT I WAS SCARED.

I COULD TELL.

YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.

THEY'RE ALWAYS COLD.

WE SHOULD GO CHECK
ON MRS. WEIDEMEYER.

SHE MIGHT BE DEAD.

MRS. WEIDEMEYER'S FINE.

WE'RE HERE!
SASHA, IT'S RUSTY!

- AND NANETTE!
- THE JORDANS!

RUSTY AND NANETTE JORDAN.

- OH, THANK GOD.
- ARE YOU OKAY?

WHO IS THIS BOY?
DO WE KNOW THIS BOY?

- I DON'T KNOW THIS BOY.
- THIS IS ROMAN. HE GOT
HERE FIRST.

- DID YOU CHECK
ALL THE ROOMS?
- ALL THE CLOSETS?

- THE BATHROOMS?
- THE CUPBOARDS?

YEAH.
WE CHECKED IT ALL.

- OH, THANK GOD.
- I WANT TO MAKE SURE.

- DO WE KNOW THIS BOY?
- YEAH, WE KNOW HIM.

- OH MY GOD.
- SHE'S OKAY.

- YOU'RE OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.

- HI, ROMAN.
- HI, BOO.

SO WE KNOW THIS BOY?

YES, WE KNOW THIS BOY.

- RUSTY?
- I'M DOING A SWEEP.

WE WERE SO WORRIED.

- I'M OKAY.
- LIVING ROOM'S CLEAR.

- I'LL CHECK THE KITCHEN.
- I GOT THE KITCHEN.

DID YOU LOOK
UNDER THE BED?

THAT'S WHERE THEY HIDE,
UNDER THE BED.

I CHECKED
UNDER THE BED.

- I'M GONNA CHECK THE BATHROOM.
- YEAH, CHECK THE BATHROOM.

WHERE'D YOU HAVE
THE SLEDGEHAMMER?

OH, I BROUGHT
THE SLEDGEHAMMER.

Boys: ( yelling )

YOU HAD TO BRING
THE WINKLEBURNS?

IT WOULDN'T BE SAFE
TO LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR.

YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS
A BURGLAR IN HERE.

THAT IS SAFER?

Rusty: OH, GEEZ.
WHAT THE GEEZ!

- RUSTY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
- IT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER

I'VE EVER SEEN IN HERE.
IT'S A MONSTER!

- WELL, KILL IT!
- I TRIED. IT WON'T DIE!

WELL-- BOO, GET
THE WINKLEBURNS.

Rusty:
OH, IT'S LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

- SMASH IT WITH
YOUR SLEDGEHAMMER.
- IT TOOK THE SLEDGEHAMMER!

- CAN YOU JUMP OUT THE WINDOW?
- I CAN'T GET OUT THE WINDOW!

IT'S GOT TEETH!

Michelle:
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

( piano playing )

GOOD, GUYS.
LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU SPOTTING?

MICHELLE,
STRAPS OR STRAPLESS?

- WHAT?
- FOR MY MAID OF HONOR DRESS.

I'M MAKING IT
STRAPS OR STRAPLESS?

I DON'T KNOW.
STRAPS, I GUESS.

LIKE MINDS.

REALLY USE YOUR FEET.

WIDE OR SPAGHETTI?

WIDE. GO WIDE.

WE ARE SIMPATICO.

LAND IN FIFTH,
PLEASE.

TIME TO PICK A FABRIC,
PARTNER.

TRULY, PLEASE.
CLASS ENDS IN 20 MINUTES.

- WE'LL TALK THEN.
- I HAVE EIGHT HOURS
TO GET THIS MADE.

MY FOCUS RIGHT NOW
IS HERE, OKAY?

FAIR ENOUGH.

Michelle: NICE.

USE YOUR PLIES.

I'M LEANING TOWARDS
THE CRINKLE CHIFFON.

TRULY, ASK TALIA.
SHE'S THE BRIDE.

I DID, BUT I WANT
A SECOND OPINION.

IT'S A DRESS, NOT
A HIP REPLACEMENT.

- ( whistle blows )
- WHAT THE HELL?

- UH-OH.
- BASH.

- WHAT ZONES?
- ZONES? WHAT DO YOU MEAN
ZONES?

ZONE ONE?
I'M ZONE ONE.

- I'M THREE.
- I'M FOUR.

- I'M TWO.
- I'M LOST.

THIS IS A FULL AND
IMMEDIATE EVACUATION,

PEOPLE. ZONES
ONE THROUGH FOUR.

( girls murmur )

WHERE'S FANNY?

OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE WOODS NORTH OF
THE HIGHWAY ARE ON FIRE.

EVERYONE IN AN EVAC ZONE
NEEDS TO BE IN A SHELTER.

OH, WOW. OKAY.
SO WHERE DO I GO?

YOU'RE ALREADY THERE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE STUDIO IS ONE
OF TWO DESIGNATED

EVACUATION CENTERS
IN TOWN.

WE'RE THE EAST SIDE EVAC.
THEY'RE THE WEST SIDE.

WAIT, SO PEOPLE
ARE COMING HERE
TO STAY? TO SLEEP?

AND I'M ONE OF
THE ONES IN CHARGE.

THAT'S WHY I'M
WEARING THIS CAP.

- THAT SAYS "CAP."
- THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT JUST SEEMS SILLY.

CAP STANDS FOR CAPTAIN.

IT IDENTIFIES MY AUTHORITY.

YOU'D BETTER
CATCH UP HERE.

HMM.
YOU'VE GOT A BIG HEAD,

- BUT I THINK IT'LL FIT.
- THINK WHAT'LL FIT?

THE "CAP" CAP.
IT COMES WITH THE JOB.

WE'LL HAVE TO BROOM OUT
THESE CHAIRS HERE.

WHAT JOB?

WITH FANNY GONE,

YOU ARE THE DESIGNATED
CO-CAPTAIN

OF THE EAST SIDE
EVACUATION CENTER.

- NO. I REFUSE.
- YES. YOU CAN'T.

- I'M UNQUALIFIED.
- SO WAS I, AND LOOK
AT ME NOW.

THE TOWN IS DOOMED.

LISTEN, TIME IS OF
THE ESSENCE HERE.

THERE'S NO ONE
ELSE TO DO THIS.

SO IF YOU CARE
ABOUT YOUR COMMUNITY,

PUT THE "CAP" CAP ON.

HEAD'S TOO BIG.

SO ALL THE IMMEDIATE-NEED
FOOD AND WATER SUPPLIES

WILL BE SET UP AND DISPENSED
ALONG THE SOUTH WALL HERE.

"FOOD AND WATER SUPPLIES."
GOT IT.

- DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN.
- OKAY.

AND THIS WILL BE LAPTOPS
WITH INTERNET CONNECTIONS

SO PEOPLE CAN KEEP
IN TOUCH WITH LOVED ONES.

"IN TOUCH WITH LOVED ONES."
SWEET.

- DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN.
- CROSSING IT OFF.

AND OVER THERE IS
OUR MEDICAL AREA.

BANDAGES, IV, ANALGESICS,
ALL THE BASICS.

"ALL THE BASICS."

- DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN.
- WHY DID YOU GIVE
ME A CLIPBOARD?

MOST OF THE REST OF
THIS SPACE WILL BE
SLEEPING AREAS.

SO YOU AND I WILL
HAVE TO SIT DOWN

AND FIGURE OUT HOW
TO DIVIDE PEOPLE UP.
MAKE A CHART.

DIVIDE THEM UP?
MAKE A CHART? WHY?

OBVIOUSLY FAMILIES
CAN STAY TOGETHER,

BUT THE YOUNG UNMARRIED
SHOULDN'T MIX.

COME ON, BASH,
IT'S ONE BIG OPEN ROOM.

WHAT COULD THEY
POSSIBLY DO?

ORGY.

HAVE THEY ORGIED
IN THE PAST?

THERE'S ALWAYS
A FIRST.

WELL, THIS IS AMERICA,
LAND OF THE FREE.

LET THE PEOPLE CHOOSE
WHERE THEY WANT TO SLEEP.

FINE. YOUR CALL.
FOLLOW ME.

HERE'S OUR SLUSH STORAGE.

AND OF COURSE, SPACE FOR
OUR FOUR-LEGGED EVACUEES.

CAN YOU BE IN CHARGE
OF THEIR WATER?

- I WILL WATER THE ANIMALS.
- BETTER WRITE THAT DOWN.

- OH, GEEZ.
- OH, AND...

I ALMOST FORGOT.
HERE.

A WALKIE-TALKIE.

SO WE CAN COMMUNICATE.
WE'RE CO-CAPTAINS,

AND COMMUNICATION
IS VITAL.

- OKAY.
- SO IT'S IMPORTANT...

- FIRE TORPEDOES!
FIRE TORPEDOES!
- ...TO USE IT RESPONSIBLY

BECAUSE IT'S
NOT A TOY.

RIGHT.
NOT A TOY.

IT'S GONNA BE
A LONG NIGHT, MICHELLE.

AND I CAN'T
DO THIS ALONE.

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

REALLY BE HERE FOR ME AND
AT THE END OF THE NIGHT...

WE'LL HAVE THIS
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

CHAMPAGNE.

FOR WHEN THE FIRE'S OUT
AND EVERYONE'S OKAY.

DO A GOOD JOB, AND YOU'LL
BE SIPPING IT WITH ME.

I FEEL VERY
INCENTIVIZED.

COME ON.
LET'S GET GOING.

TIME TO START
CHECKING PEOPLE IN.

- LET'S DO IT.
- JUST GET THE NAMES OF
EVERYBODY IN THE PARTY

AND NOTE DOWN ANY
SPECIAL NEEDS. EASY?

EASY PEASY.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
LET'S GET STARTED.

WELCOME TO THE EAST SIDE
EVAC CENTER.

- NAME PLEASE.
- FRANK BRADSHAW.

I'M WITH MY WIFE NIKKI
AND MY DAUGHTER KIM.

THE BRADSHAWS.
EXCELLENT.

I'M BASH.
I'LL BE YOUR POINT PERSON.

GRAB SOME COTS,
SET THEM UP WHERE YOU CAN,

AND JUST KNOW THAT
ANYTHING YOU NEED
THAT'S GETABLE,

- I'LL BE HERE TO
GET IT FOR YOU.
- THANKS, BASH.

- AND I'M MICHELLE--
- NEXT IN LINE, PLEASE?

- NAME PLEASE?
- GEORGIE ATTENBURG.

IT'LL BE ME
AND MY HUSBAND MORTY.

THE ATTENBURGS.
GOT IT.

GINNY, HI.
IT'S YOU AND YOUR MOM?

OH, MY MOM'S
COMING LATER.

HAPPY FIRE DAY.
STRIKE A POSE.

ALL RIGHT,
GET OVER HERE, GUYS.
LET ME SIGN YOU IN.

NO NEED TO
ASK THE NAMES.

GINNY THOMPSON
AND MELANIE SEGAL,

WELCOME TO THE
EAST SIDE EVAC CENTER.

- I'LL BE YOUR POINT PERSON.
- BUP BUP BUP BUP.

- WHAT, BASH? WHAT?
- SEGAL AND THOMPSON?

THEY'RE WITH ME.

YOU'VE GOT A MILLION
PEOPLE IN YOUR LINE,
BASH.

- LET ME HELP.
- PEOPLE NEED TO CHECK IN
AT THE DESIGNATED TABLES.

AND HOW HAVE YOU
DESIGNATED THESE
TABLES?

FIRST LETTERS OF
THE LAST NAMES,
PER THE SIGNS.

SIGN?
WHAT SIGN?

X THROUGH Z?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I THINK THAT'S A DOABLE
WORKLOAD FOR YOU.

OH, COME ON.
WHERE'S THE TRUST?

- WHERE'S THE CAP?
- IT'S TOO SMALL.

- YOUR HEAD'S TOO BIG.
- HER HEAD IS NOT TOO BIG.

YEAH, BACK OFF, MAN.

I'M CHECKING THESE
TWO IN, OKAY?

- I'M CHECKING THEM IN.
- I WISH YOU WOULDN'T.

- GRAB YOURSELVES
A COUPLE OF COTS, GIRLS.
- THIS IS THE ROAD TO RUIN.

AND YOU LET ME KNOW
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

- THANKS, MICHELLE.
- YEAH. THANKS.

SEGAL AND THOMPSON
ARE CHECKED IN.

NOTED.
NEXT IN LINE, PLEASE?

OH YEAH,
SAME HERE.

WHO'S NEXT
IN MY LINE?

I'M X, Y, Z.

SO LET'S SEE...
WHERE IS THE YOGURTS?

TOM AND PAM YOGURT?
LITTLE BILLY YOGURT?

- ARE MY YOGURTS HERE?
- ROGER CHAMPLAIN AND
WIFE SISSY.

HOW ABOUT ZACHARY ZIGZAG?

YOU IN THE HOUSE ZACH?
WHERE IS THE ZIG MAN?

MY NAME IS BASH
AND I'LL BE YOUR POINT PERSON.

ANY ZOMBIES?
THAT STARTS WITH A "Z" RIGHT?

ANYONE UNDEAD HERE?
ANY FLESH EATERS? NO?

FINE, MICHELLE.

CHAOS? IS THAT
WHAT YOU WANT?

TOTAL AND COMPLETE CHAOS?

BRING IT ON.

FINE, WHAT THE HELL.

EVERYONE JUST GET IN
WHATEVER LINE YOU WANT.

GO.

WOW.
ALTAMONT.

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE
GOT OUR CHOICE.

WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO SET UP?

JUST KEEP ME AWAY FROM
THE DIRTY LITTLE CHILDREN.

- HEY.
- SPEAKING OF WHICH.

HEY, DEZ.

SO, FIRE, HUH?

YEAH, YOU SET IT?

WHAT? NO.

NOT THIS ONE.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU IN LINE.
DID YOU CHECK IN?

NO, I JUST SLID
UNDER THE FLAT

BACK WHERE
THE ANIMALS GO.

APPROPRIATE.

SO, YOU TAKING PICTURES?

YOUNG SHERLOCK
IS IN THE HOUSE.

I WAS JUST SAYING.

UMBILICAL CORD
CHOKED HIM?

THAT'S WHAT
I'M THINKING.

- THERE'S ROMAN.
- I KNOW.

SO, YOU NEVER
ASKED MY OPINION,

BUT IF YOU DID,
I'D SAY "YOWZA."

THANK YOU,
LOUISE BROOKS.

SEEMS LIKE IT'S
GETTING SERIOUS.

VERY. WE'RE CONSIDERING
A REVERSE MORTGAGE.

- REALLY?
- BOO.

HEY!

THERE'S MY
HUNKA HUNKA.

REALLY? WHAT DECADE
DO YOU LIVE IN?

EVERYBODY GOOD
AT YOUR HOUSE?

DAD'S OUT
FIGHTING THE FIRE.

EVERYONE ELSE
IS ON THE WAY.

WELL, COME ON.
TAKE CUTS.

- NO, I SHOULDN'T.
- I WANT YOU TO.

IT'S NOT COOL
TO CUT IN.

HEY, EVERYBODY. IS IT COOL
IF MY GIRLFRIEND CUTS IN?

All: NO.

I'LL CATCH UP
WITH YOU LATER.

- HEY, CARL.
- HEY, MICHELLE.

JEFF TOBEY.
MOTHER AND SISTER ARE

WANDERING AROUND
HERE SOMEWHERE.

JEFF TOBEY.

ALL RIGHT. GOT YOU
DOWN HERE, FRIEND.

I'LL BE YOUR
POINT PERSON TONIGHT.

- COOL.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING

ALONG THE LINES
OF ENTERTAINMENT,

BUT IF THERE'S
A DVD PLAYER,

I HAVE THE MOST
UNDERRATED MOVIE

OF THE PAST YEAR.
"HOPE SPRINGS."

"HOPE SPRINGS"?
I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

YEAH, WHAT'S
NOT TO LOVE?

THE OSCARS SHOULD HAVE
BEEN ALL OVER THAT JOINT.

YES!

AT FIRST I WAS LIKE,

"TWO MIDDLE-AGED
EMPTY NESTERS

TRYING TO REKINDLE THE SPARK
IN THEIR MARRIAGE? PASS."

BUT WHO KNEW
TOMMY LEE JONES COULD BE

SO TENDER
AND VULNERABLE.

HE KICKED ASS.

WHAT IS THAT THOUGH?
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
THE ACTUAL DVD.

IT'S NOT. I'VE GOT A COUSIN
WHO WORKS IN HOLLYWOOD

AND THEY SEND HIM ALL
THESE FREE DVDS AT AWARDS TIME.

WHY EVERY IDIOT WRITER
AND DIRECTOR IN HOLLYWOOD

WANTS TO WATCH A FREE DVD
AND NOT SUPPORT THEIR INDUSTRY,

I DON'T KNOW.
BUT HE BREAKS THE RULES

AND GIVES THEM TO ME.
CHA-CHING!

"HELL YES, I WANT IT.

YOU BET YOUR LIFE
I WANT IT."

- WOW, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
- THANKS.

YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD HIT
THE "IT" A LITTLE MORE.

"HELL YES, I WANT IT.

YOU BET YOUR LIFE
I WANT IT."

AND YOU SHOULD HIT
THE "HELL YES" HARDER.

LIKE TOMMY DOES.

- "HELL YES."
- "HELL YES."

- "HELL YES."
- "HELL YES."

OKAY, COOL.

THANKS FOR THE TIP.

YEAH, SAME HERE.

Talia: MICHELLE?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
EVERYBODY.

OH HONEY,
YOUR WEDDING.

MY GOD, THE TIMING
OF ALL THIS.

- I KNOW.
- I WAS TALKING TO TALIA.

SHE'S UPSET TOO.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO RICK?
WE'LL RESCHEDULE, OKAY?

- WE'LL DO IT NEXT MONTH?
- NEXT MONTH? NO.

- WE'RE DOING IT TODAY.
- BUT HON, THE FIRE CUTS
US OFF FROM THE BEACH.

I DON'T NEED THE BEACH.
ALL I NEED IS RICK AND
THE MINISTER.

AND YOUR MAID OF HONOR,
AND I AM RIGHT HERE.

- WE'RE DOING IT.
- Milly: MICHELLE.

- LET'S GO. A LOT OF
PEOPLE WAITING HERE.
- COMING.

WE'LL THINK
GOOD THOUGHTS.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU
IN LINE BEFORE, MILLY.

YOU DIDN'T CUT IN,
DID YOU?

- NO. I WAS HERE.
- REALLY?

ANYONE CLAIMING
I CUT IN?

ANYONE?

AND NOTE THAT THE GROUP
SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED BEING

WISHED INTO THE CORNFIELD.

WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE THAT SAME
CORNFIELD REFERENCE ABOUT ME?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
YOU CHECKED IN, MILLY.
IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER?

MY DAUGHTER'S AT
THE OTHER EVAC CENTER.

- SERIOUSLY?
- TUESDAYS ARE MY NIGHT
OFF FROM THE KID.

TONIGHT'S TUESDAY.
SHE'S WITH A NANNY.

- OKAY.
- SHE'S GOT TOYS.

EVERYBODY, MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

I REALLY NEED
A YOUNG BOY.

OR GIRL TO VOLUNTEER
FOR SOME HEAVY LIFTING.

I INCLUDE BOTH SEXES
BECAUSE IN THE PAST,

MY SAYING I NEED
A YOUNG BOY

LED TO A LOT OF
MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

SO I'M INCLUDING
YOU LADIES AS WELL.

YOU JUST NEED STRONG BACKS
AND TONED THIGHS.

IF YOU FIT THE BILL,
PLEASE COME SEE ME.

TO BE CLEAR,

I LIKE MEN AND WOMEN
EQUALLY.

BOTH SEXES WORK FOR ME.

YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA LEAD TO
ANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS AT ALL.

VOLUNTEERS. I NEED
TWO MORE VOLUNTEERS.

YOU GUYS FEELINGS
STRONG TODAY?

NOPE.

YOU'RE DANCERS. YOU HAVE
TONED THIGHS AND NO EXCUSE.

I'LL VOLUNTEER.

Bash: YOU'LL HAVE TO
WEAR THE T-SHIRT.

Frankie:
I'LL WEAR THE T-SHIRT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
FIGHT ME ON THE T-SHIRT?

- I LIKE THE T-SHIRT.
- NO ONE LIKES THE T-SHIRT.

I'LL WEAR THE T-SHIRT.

YOU CAN CHANGE BEHIND
THAT PRIVACY SCREEN.

HELLO, LADIES.

- HELLO, GIRLFRIEND.
- HELLO, BOYFRIEND.

WHERE ARE YOU
SETTING UP?

I WAS THINKING HERE.

- IS THAT ALLOWED?
- NOT BY ME.

WORD IS THE RULES
ARE LOOSE.

COOL.

HEY, GUYS.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A FUN
LITTLE PARTY GOING ON.

WE DID,
PAST TENSE.

OKAY IF I CAMP OUT HERE?

KINDA GOT STUCK IN
PARENTS LAND WHERE I AM,

AND THE OTHER YOUTH SECTION
IS FULL OF JOCKS

AND I'M KIND OF
FOOD FOR THEM.

SURE, WHY NOT?

PULL UP A COT, JEFF.

YEAH, WHY NOT?
ANY FAN OF "HOPE SPRINGS"

IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

OH, NOT YOU TOO.

CARL HAS MADE ME
SEE THAT MOVIE THREE TIMES.

YOU KNEW I WAS
INTO THAT MOVIE, BOO.

- I DID?
- I'VE DONE MY
TOMMY LEE JONES

FOR YOU
A MILLION TIMES.

"I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."

THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

IT SHOULD GO A LITTLE
FASTER THOUGH.

TOMMY'S PACE
IS ALWAYS BRISK.

- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."
- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."

- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."
- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."

- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."
- OKAY, WELL...

YOU KNOW, NOW YOU'RE
KIND OF SOUNDING LIKE
GRANDPA SIMPSON

AND TOMMY LEE JONES DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE GRANDPA SIMPSON.

OKAY, GUYS.
EVERYBODY POSE.

YOU SHOULD
TAKE THAT AGAIN.

MM, I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE IT AGAIN.

YOU USED THE FLASH.
NOTHING LOOKS GOOD
WITH A FLASH.

YOU'RE WRONG.

ADAMS NEVER
USED A FLASH.

ADAMS WHO?

- ANSEL ADAMS.
- YOU KNOW ANSEL ADAMS?

YEAH, HE'S NO
CARTIER-BRESSON,

BUT HE'S OKAY.

Jeff: ...DROVE BY IT
ON A FAMILY TRIP ONCE,
GOT A PICTURE.

YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF
TOMMY LEE JONES'S RANCH?

I BLEW IT UP INTO
AN 8 x 10.

IT'S HANGING
OVER MY BED.

I'VE SEEN THE ARCHITECTURAL
DIGEST PIECE ON IT,

BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN IT
IN PERSON. IS IT COOL?

Jeff: IT'S OWNED
BY TOMMY LEE JONES.
IT'S COOLNESS GUARANTEED.

- Carl: YOU SURE IT'S IN TEXAS?
- Jeff: POSITIVE.

- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."
- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."

- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."
- "I LIKE RANCH CHIPS."

DROOL CUP.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, TRULY, GOOD.
IT'S JUST YOU.

I WAS FEELING VERY
CLAUSTROPHOBIC OUT THERE.

YES.
THIS IS MY PREP ROOM
UNTIL A COUPLE HOURS

BEFORE THE CEREMONY,
AND THEN IT'S TALIA'S
DRESSING ROOM.

I'VE GOT IT ALL
FIGURED OUT. LOOK.

GOD, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- IT'S MY MAID OF HONOR
MUSLIN MOCK-UP DRESS.
- YOUR--?

YOU NEVER WANT TO EXPERIMENT
ON THE ACTUAL FABRIC,

SO YOU DO A MOCK-UP
IN MUSLIN WHICH I DO NOT HAVE.

- SO I--
- CUT UP A COT.

I CUT UP A COT.

WELL, THE SHAPE
IS BEAUTIFUL. OW.

IT'S A HYBRID.
BEYONCE IN FRONT,

PIPPA MIDDLETON
IN BACK,

AND EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
ON THE SIDE.

HEY, CHECK OUT TRULY'S

PIPPA-BEYONCE-
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS-
COT DRESS.

NO POINT.
RICK IS STUCK.

HE CAN'T GET PAST
THE CHECK POINT.

OH NO.
THIS IS WHAT
I WAS AFRAID OF.

I'M SO SORRY.
YOU MUST FEEL AWFUL.

AWFUL AND DEVASTATED.

I MEANT TALIA, TRULY.

LOOK, GIRLS,
WE TRIED.

BUT THE GODS
WERE AGAINST US.

NO.
THE GODS HAVE NOT
DECIDED THIS YET.

THE GODS NEED TO GIVE ME
MORE TIME TO THINK.

HEY, GUYS.
QUICK QUESTION,

CAN I SET UP
MY CREPE STATION IN HERE?

- YOUR--?
- IT'S CREPE NIGHT FOR ME

AND I'M PAYING HER ANYWAY,

SO I THOUGHT I'D GET HELGA
ROCKING ON SOME CREPES.

MILLY, THIS IS AN
EVACUATION CENTER.

PEOPLE DOWN THERE ARE
EATING COLD RATIONS.

WHOA, WRONG IMPRESSION.

THERE IS ENOUGH FOR
EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM.

SWEET OR SAVORY,
CALL IT OUT.

MILLY, WE ARE IN
CRISIS MODE HERE.

OUR WEDDING IS
MISSING ITS GROOM.

SURE, I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.
BACK IT UP, HELGA.

TRULY, I KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS MEANT TO YOU.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU REALLY DON'T.
THIS IS IT.

THIS WILL NEVER
HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN.

NO ONE WILL EVER
ASK ME AGAIN.

AND I HAD THIS
BEAUTIFUL DRESS,

AND ALL THESE THINGS
I WANT TO DO.

I KNOW.
I'M SORRY.

NO!

THIS WEDDING IS
GOING TO HAPPEN.

WE WILL FIND A WAY.

TRULY.

Michelle, it's Bash.
Come in.

HEY, BASH. SURE.
I'M DOWN BY THE FOOD.

- I KNOW.
- GEEZ. DON'T DO THAT.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
LOOK.

- ( cheering )
- WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

- A JUGGLER.
- WOW, HE'S GOOD.

WHAT IS THIS?
LIKE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL?

IT'S THE ENTERTAINMENT
AT THE WEST SIDE
EVACUATION CENTER.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?
- I HAVE A MOLE DOWN THERE
SENDING ME FOOTAGE.

CHECK THIS OUT.

( singing )

THEY'RE SINGING
"THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER."

WHAT ARE THOSE WORDS?

THE SUPER OBSCURE
SECOND VERSE.

THAT'S HARDCORE.

AND AFTER DINNER,
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

( music playing, cheering )

- A CONGA LINE.
- WE SUCK.

WE NEED TO FEED AND
ENTERTAIN THESE PEOPLE

- BEFORE THEY TURN ON US.
- I'M WITH YOU.

I'LL SPEED UP THE FOOD
AND I'LL HAVE MY KIDS
WORK UP SOMETHING.

I SPENT A FEW YEARS ON
THE FRINGE FESTIVAL CIRCUIT.

I CAN WORK UP
A FEW THINGS TOO.

LET'S COMPARE NOTES
IN A HALF HOUR.

YEAH YEAH.
SURE.

- CHECK.
- CHECK.

- ME TOO.
- I'M GONNA RAISE YOU FIVE.

- FIVE?
- YOU'RE BLUFFING.

I AM BLUFFING.

I'M DEFINITELY BLUFFING.
PUT YOUR FIVE IN.

WELL, I'M GOING TO
SEE YOUR RAISE.
AND WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE I'M BLUFFING.

ARE YOUR EYES OKAY?

YEAH, I JUST STINK
AT WINKING.

IT'S NOT EVEN
YOUR TURN, BOO.

I'VE LOST TRACK.
WHO'S IN, WHO'S OUT?

GINNY?
YOU STILL WITH US?

YEAH, I'M HERE.

I'M OUT.

OH WELL,
THEN I'M OUT TOO.

BOO, YOU ALREADY PUT
YOUR MONEY IN.
DON'T DROP OUT.

YEAH, BUT I WAS
BLUFFING ANYWAY.

I DON'T ACTUALLY
HAVE ANYTHING.

AND NOW YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY CHIPS EITHER.

HEY, GIRLS.
AND GUYS.

- HEY, MICHELLE.
- PLAYING A LITTLE POKER?

- YEP.
- STRIP POKER?

UH, NO.

HEY, IDEA.
HOW ABOUT YOU GIRLS

HELP GRAB SOME BOXES
FOR ME OUT OF STORAGE?

- WHAT KIND OF BOXES?
- JUST COSTUMES, PROPS.

WHATEVER STUFF FROM
THE LAST SAY TWO YEARS?

- WHY?
- 'CAUSE I ASKED.

AND I AM CO-CAPTAIN
OF THE EVAC CENTER.

SEE?

OKAY, IT DOESN'T FIT.

BUT I AM CAPTAIN
AND YOU ARE MY PLEBES.

- SURE, I GUESS.
- I'LL HELP TOO.

NO NO NO, CARL.
JUST THE GIRLS
I THINK.

THEY KNOW WHERE
EVERYTHING IS.

- OKAY.
- NICE TRY THOUGH.

COME ON,
LET'S GET SOME BOXES.

( chuckling )

ALL RIGHT,
OFF YOU GO.

MICHELLE?

"I'LL HELP TOO."
COME ON.

FEET UP, JEFFREY.

SOMEONE SAID
THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS
WERE LOOSEY-GOOSEY.

THEY LIED.

I'M SEEING WHERE
THIS IS GOING.

AH, GOOD BOY.

ALL RIGHT,
SO TO BE CLEAR,

GIRLS OVER HERE.
GUYS...

NOT OVER HERE.
AM I CLEAR?

AYE AYE,
CAPTAIN.

TRULY, THERE'S NO GROOM.
WHY ARE YOU STILL WORKING
ON YOUR DRESS?

THE POWER OF
POSITIVE THINKING.

IF I WILL IT,
IT WILL BE SO.

SO I SEW.

ALL RIGHT WELL, IGNORE ME.
I'M NOT HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR?
- CONDOMS.

REALLY? HERE? TONIGHT?
CAN'T YOU WAIT?

NO, TRULY.
I FOUND A CONDOM

UNDER ONE OF
THESE LOCKERS.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHOSE IT IS

OR IF THERE'S
MORE OF THEM.

WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF
PEOPLE COMING THROUGH
HERE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, I GUESS.
ALTHOUGH IT WAS SHOVED

BACK THERE PRETTY GOOD.
LIKE IT HAD BEEN THERE A WHILE.

BUT THAT WOULD MEAN THAT
ONE OF THE BUNHEADS DOWN
THERE IS HAVING SEX.

- OR THEY ALL COULD BE.
- NO. THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- SURE IT IS.
- THEY'RE TOO YOUNG.

- NOT ALL OF THEM.
- GO BACK TO SEWING.

- IT'S ON.
- WHAT?

THE WEDDING.
IT'S BACK ON.
RICK GOT THROUGH.

YOU'RE KIDDING.
HOW?

BECAUSE I WILLED IT!
YES.

HOW, TALIA?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

SOME GOOD SAMARITAN
HEARD WHAT WAS HAPPENING

AND SENT A HELICOPTER.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

CLEARED IT WITH
THE AUTHORITIES
AND EVERYTHING.

- IT'S A MIRACLE.
- WOW.

I HAVE 75 MINUTES TO
GET TO HOT FROM NOT
FOR MY WEDDING.

PIECE OF CAKE.

HEY, GUYS.

SO WHAT ARE WE
LOOKING FOR?

- WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
- CHECK IT OUT.

WHAT WAS THIS FOR?

FANNY CHOREOGRAPHED
A WHOLE BALLET ABOUT
BILLY ELLIOT

A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

BILLY ELLIOT IS
ALREADY A SHOW.

OURS WASN'T ABOUT BILLY.

IT WAS ABOUT BILLY'S
COAL MINER FATHER.

WE ALL GOT BLACK LUNG
AT THE END.

Bash:
Michelle, are you around?

HOLD ON, GUYS.
YEAH, BASH.

I'M RIGHT HERE.
WHAT IS IT?

- HEY.
- AAH. BASH.

STOP DOING THAT.

I'VE GOT SOME ENTERTAINMENT
UP AND RUNNING.

IT'S A LITTLE CRUDE,
BUT I WORKED WITH
WHAT I HAD.

COOL.
LET'S SEE IT.

AND WHAT IS THIS?

MY DUELING
TOMMY LEE JONESES.

"WELL, THE WHOLE SITUATION
WAS JUST DANGEROUS.

WITH THOSE CUP HOLDERS,

THE SEAT BACKS
GOING BACK AND FORTH."

"I DIDN'T CHEAT.

I DIDN'T GO TO HOOKERS.

I WATCHED A LITTLE PORN,
BUT WHO DOESN'T?

I WAS GOOD.
I DID THE RIGHT THING."

"WHAT I WANT FROM EACH
AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

IS A HARD TARGET SEARCH
OF EVERY GAS STATION,

RESIDENCE, WAREHOUSE,
FARMHOUSE, HENHOUSE,

AND DOGHOUSE
IN THAT AREA."

WE'RE NOT DOING
"THE FUGITIVE."

- WE'RE DOING TOMMY LEE JONES.
- IN "HOPE SPRINGS."

KEEP TO "HOPE SPRINGS."

"I GOT US A ROOM.

HERE.

THE FRONT DESK
HAS TOOTHBRUSHES.

I ASKED THEM.

I THOUGHT MAYBE
JUST FOR A NIGHT,

- YOU MIGHT WANT TO"--
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE DINNER SCENE
FROM "HOPE SPRINGS."
CATCH UP HERE.

- YOU'RE HITTING ON BOO.
- AND YOU'RE BREAKING CHARACTER
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WELL THEN, STAY AWAY
FROM MY GIRLFRIEND.

GET OUT OF MY FACE.

GUYS, DON'T.

( grunting )

HEY! STOP IT.

- I'M GOING TO HARVARD!
- STOP!

I'M GOING TO HARVARD!

THAT TURNED OUT MUCH
BETTER THAN I THOUGHT
IT WOULD.

BUT WE'RE GONNA
NEED SOMETHING ELSE.

COMING RIGHT UP.

( pop music playing )

♪ YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ♪

♪ A WALK IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE GONNA GET WET ♪

♪ I PREDICT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA EAT ♪

♪ A BOWL OF CHOW MEIN ♪

♪ AND BE HUNGRY REAL SOON ♪

♪ I PREDICT ♪

♪ ARE MY SOURCES CORRECT ♪

♪ ARE MY SOURCES CORRECT ♪

♪ YES I KNOW THEY'RE CORRECT ♪

♪ I PREDICT ♪

♪ MEN, IF YOU SAY
YOUR PRAYERS ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER
LOSE YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ L.A. IS SAFE ♪

♪ AIN'T GONNA QUAKE ♪

♪ AIN'T GONNA QUAKE
I PREDICT ♪

♪ AND SOMEBODY'S
GONNA DIE ♪

♪ BUT I CAN'T
REVEAL WHO ♪

♪ COLD BEER
WILL CURE A COLD ♪

♪ COLD BEER AND PRETZELS ♪

♪ TAKES CARE OF CANCER ♪

♪ MOSCOW WILL
MARCH TO FRANCE ♪

♪ THEY'LL DO
THE CAN-CAN DANCE ♪

♪ DON'T WORRY,
IT'LL WORK OUT ♪

♪ MAXIM'S WILL
THROW THEM OUT ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA STOP
SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ SO YOU'D BETTER HAVE
FUN NOW AT THE DANCE ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA STOP
HAVING THE SUN ♪

♪ SO YOU'D BETTER
GET TAN NOW ♪

♪ AT THE DANCE ♪

♪ AND THIS SONG
WILL FADE OUT ♪

♪ YES THIS SONG
WILL FADE OUT ♪

♪ THIS SONG WILL FADE OUT ♪

♪ AND THIS SONG
WILL FADE OUT ♪

♪ YES THIS SONG
WILL FADE OUT ♪

♪ THIS SONG WILL FADE OUT. ♪

( music ends )

( cheering )

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU'D BE HERE.

WELL, I AM.

LOOK, I'M DESPERATE
TO FIND A PLACE

TO GET MY MASSAGE.

YOU'RE GETTING A MASSAGE
WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S NOT FOR PLEASURE.

IT'S FOR MY PHYSICAL THERAPY
FROM MY ACCIDENT.

FINE. DO IT UP HERE.

COME ON IN,
FLORDELIZA.

SO DO YOU WANT
FULL BODY TODAY?

AROMATHERAPY,
HOT STONE,

LAVENDER SCALP,
OR JUST BACK?

OR SHOULDERS AND NECK?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT A MASSAGE
TO HELP HEAL MY
INJURY.

SHOULDERS AND NECK.

I'LL JUST BE
A SECOND.

SO YOU STILL GOT
THAT HELICOPTER,
HUH?

WHAT?
OH, YEAH.

IT'S JUST A TIME SHARE.

I BASICALLY
PAY BY THE HOUR.

MUST BE EXPENSIVE.

OH, PLEASE.

THE FUEL SURCHARGES,

THE PILOT TRAVEL TIME
CHARGES.

THEY GOUGE YOU
ANY WAY THEY CAN.

THANKS.

FOR WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT.

WEDDINGS ARE IMPORTANT.

OR SO I'VE HEARD.

MOM'S REALLY ITCHING
FOR ONE OF US TO HAVE ONE.

WELL, SHE SHOULD
GIVE UP ON ME.

IT'S NOT IN THE CARDS.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
A HUSBAND WAS

WHAT WAS MISSING
FROM MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?

BUT I WASN'T
MEETING ANYBODY,

AND I WANTED A BABY,

SO I HAD MY
LITTLE CHING LAN

SHIPPED OVER
FROM CHINA,

AND AFTER
I SIGNED FOR HER

AND THE NANNY TOOK
THE RIDICULOUS POINTY
HAT OFF,

I JUST HELD HER.

AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO PUT HER DOWN.

AND I REALIZED,

SHE'S ALL
I'LL EVER NEED.

WELL, I'M NOT GIVING UP.

I'M GETTING MARRIED

AND I'M KEEPING
ALL MY OPTIONS OPEN.

SORRY.
LOOKING FOR MICHELLE.

TOO BAD.

NO.

- HEY.
- YEAH?

- CAN YOU HELP ME OUTSIDE?
- YEAH, SURE.

IT WAS ON THE GROUND,
SO I PICKED IT UP.

YOU WERE SNIFFING IT.

I WAS STIFLING A YAWN.

WITH HIS JACKET?
PATHETIC.

- EXCUSE ME.
- NO, WAIT.

LET ME TELL YOU
A STORY.

LAST YEAR, MY FAMILY
WENT ON THIS PRIVATE
SAFARI.

MY PARENTS, FRANKIE--
IT'S SUNSET...

AND WE'RE WALKING
DOWN THIS TRAIL.

GOLDEN SKIES,
BEAUTIFUL VISTAS,

AND WE SEE THIS
LITTLE BABY ANTELOPE
ON THE HORIZON.

YEAH?

WE GET CLOSER,
AND IT TURNS ITS
HEAD TO LOOK AT US.

AND THE GUIDE SAYS,
"TURN AWAY.

A LION'S HAD AT IT."

I DON'T GET IT.

IT HAD BEEN HALF
EATEN BY A LION.

OH MY GOD.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

EVERYBODY FROZE,
AND I THOUGHT

"IT'S WRONG TO
TURN MY BACK

AND LET THIS
POOR LITTLE THING

JUST SIT THERE
AND BLEED OUT

LIKE JUDI DENCH IN
THAT JAMES BOND MOVIE."

SO I GRABBED A GUN
AND SHOT IT IN THE HEAD.

YOU BLEW A BABY
ANTELOPE'S HEAD OFF?

PUT IT RIGHT
OUT OF ITS MISERY.

AND YOU, MY DEAR,

ARE A HALF-EATEN
BABY ANTELOPE.

AND YOU'RE GONNA
SHOOT MY HEAD OFF?

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME,
FINE. I'M COOL.

BUT I HAVE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING

BECAUSE IT'S JUST
TOO SAD TO LOOK AT YOU

AND I JUST CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.

LET ME GUESS--
YOU'RE EXCITED, NERVOUS,

HAPPY AND NAUSEOUS
ALL AT ONCE?

ALL FOUR EQUALLY.
SUCH A BIG DAY.

OKAY, I WAS TALKING TO
THE BRIDE-TO-BE HERE.

RIGHT. I'M SURE SHE
HAS SIMILAR FEELINGS.

DID I GO TOO TRAMPY
ON THE DRESS?

- OKAY. TURN AROUND FOR ME.
- I WAS SHOOTING FOR MARILYN

SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO KENNEDY,

BUT WITH UNDERWEAR.

- YOU LOOK PERFECT.
- THANKS.

- ( phone buzzes )
- OH NO.

WHAT?

- NO.
- WHAT IS IT?

IT'S RICK.
HE WAS GETTING
OUT OF THE CAR

AND HE TRIPPED
AND BROKE HIS ANKLE

AND HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
IT NEVER STOPS.

A BROKEN ANKLE
IS NOTHING.

NO, A BROKEN ANKLE
MEANS HE'S IN A CAST
AND IN PAIN

WHICH MEANS HE'S NOT
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

- THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
- OKAY, SO HE CAN'T WALK
DOWN THE AISLE.

WE CAN WHEEL HIM
DOWN THE AISLE,

OR YOU CAN GET MARRIED
AT HIS BEDSIDE.

THAT'S A FUN
WEDDING STORY.

I DON'T WANT TO GET
MARRIED IN A HOSPITAL.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A DRESS
THAT YOU'D WEAR

TO GET MARRIED
IN A HOSPITAL?

WELL, IN A HOSPITAL
IN PARTS

OF SAN FRANCISCO
PERHAPS.

OR EAST VILLAGE.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

- CHICKIE.
- RICK'S BOOKIE?

HIS BEST MAN.

DAMN IT!
WHY ISN'T HE ANSWERING?

WELL, MAYBE HE CAN'T
HEAR THE PHONE.

NOT BECAUSE
HE'S OLD AND DEAF,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LET YOU
USE PHONES IN HOSPITALS.

AND HE'S PROBABLY
OLD AND DEAF.

OKAY, LOOK.

MAYBE IN A SUPER WEIRD WAY
THIS IS A BLESSING.

HOW?

IT GIVES YOU
TIME TO THINK.

- ABOUT WHAT?
- ABOUT THIS.

- MARRYING RICK?
- YEAH.

I DON'T NEED TO THINK
ABOUT MARRYING RICK.

I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT
ABOUT MARRYING RICK.

I KNOW YOU'RE
TIRED OF VEGAS

AND THE SHOW
YOU'RE IN,

AND YOUR LIFE,
AND I COMPLETELY
GET THAT.

BUT MAYBE THIS ISN'T
THE ANSWER, YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD
MARRY HIM, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM.

- WHY?
- HE'S...

NOT CATHOLIC.

JUST STOP, MICHELLE, OKAY?

I MEAN, ALL THIS JUST BECAUSE
RICKY TRIPPED AND FELL?
EVERYBODY FALLS.

I WATCHED YOU FALL FROM
THE TOP OF AN ESCALATOR

AT A MALL IN VEGAS
ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM,

AND YOU BOUNCED BACK UP
AND RIGHT INTO NEIMAN'S.

RICK LOVES ME.

EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.

YOU'RE TALIA.
YOU'RE GREAT.

BUT YOU DON'T THINK
I LOVE HIM?

NO.

BECAUSE YOU'RE TWISTING
YOURSELF INTO A PRETZEL
FOR HIM.

WITH THE CRAFTING
AND WANTING TO COOK

AND WANTING A YAPPY
LITTLE PEKINGESE.
THAT'S NOT YOU.

PEKINGESE AREN'T YAPPY.

YEAH, THEY'RE
SUPER YAPPY.

- THEY'RE REGAL.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT AT ALL REGAL.

- BIG REGAL DOG.
- SMALL YAPPY SMOKE ALARMS.

I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THIS.

YOU ARE TURNING DOWN
OFFERS FOR LEGIT SHOWS

TO BE WITH HIM.
SHOWS THAT COULD
GO TO NEW YORK.

- WHO DOES THAT?
- ME. I DO IT.

I TOLD YOU,
THAT'S YOUR THING.

YOU WANT TO GO BE IN
A SHOW IN NEW YORK,

GO BE IN A SHOW
IN NEW YORK.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

IS THIS WHY YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO BE MY MAID OF HONOR?

BECAUSE YOU THINK
THE MARRIAGE IS DOOMED?

IT JUST DOESN'T
FEEL REAL TO ME.

I'M PREGNANT!

PRETTY REAL, HUH?

OKAY.

WE'LL MAKE THIS WORK.

I'LL RAISE
THE BABY WITH YOU.

IT'LL BE TOUGH,
BUT WE'LL MAKE IT FUN.

LIKE A SITCOM.
IT'LL BE "TWO BROKE
GIRLS AND A BABY."

IT'LL BE GREAT.

YOU AND I AREN'T
DOING ANYTHING.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

YOU DO WHATEVER.

YEAH.

OKAY, GUYS.
SAY CHEESE.

All: CHEESE.

CUTE.

THAT'S GONNA LOOK GREAT
WITHOUT THE FLASH.

GLAD YOU TOOK ME
UP ON THAT.

( clears throat )

HI, GUYS.
YOU COPING OKAY?

I HAD A DOG.

CALVIN.

DAD NAMED HIM AFTER
SOME CARTOON GUY.

"CALVIN AND HOBBES"?

NO. HIS NAME
WAS JUST CALVIN.

I USED TO TALK IN HIS VOICE
LIKE HE WAS THE ONE TALKING.

CRACKED EVERYBODY UP.

YES, YOU ARE A REGULAR
LOUIS C.K.

I MISS HIM.
HE WAS A COOL DOG.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

CAR HIT HIM.

YEAH. YOU KNOW.

WHATEVER.

SO I GUESS GINNY
AND YOUR BROTHER'S

NOT HAPPENING,
HUH?

NOT FOR LIKE YEARS.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE'S INTO SOMEONE ELSE.

WHY? CHARLIE'S COOL.

IT WASN'T SO MUCH WHY,

IT WAS THE WHY NOTS.

AND SHE LIKES
THIS OTHER GUY.

HUH.

KINDA THOUGHT FOR A WHILE
THERE'D BE A DOUBLE-DATE
THING OR SOMETHING.

YOU MEAN YOU AND ME?

YEAH.

NO.

- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE.

MY MOM SAYS
BECAUSE IS A WORD,

NOT A REASON.

WELL, THAT'S THE REASON.

BECAUSE, OKAY?

BECAUSE.

SO YOU CAN'T THINK
OF A REASON WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

IF YOU CAN'T THINK
OF A REASON WHY,

CAN YOU THINK OF
A REASON WHY NOT?

NOT OFFHAND.

THEN WHY NOT?

HEY, BRIDE.

LOOK.
IT'S A PEKINGESE.

RICK BROUGHT HIM.
ONE OF MY WEDDING GIFTS.

- OH.
- YOU WERE RIGHT.

I WAS THINKING
OF ANOTHER DOG.

YEAH, BUT THIS
ONE'S GOOD TOO.

AND IN A PINCH
YOU CAN DUST WITH IT.

I GUESS.

HEY, HE'S ADORABLE.

YEAH.
HE KIND OF IS.

YOU STILL WANT ME
IN YOUR WEDDING?

YOU'RE TECHNICALLY
NOT IN THE WEDDING.

WOULD YOU TAKE HIM
A SECOND?

OH.

YES, YOU'RE IN
THE WEDDING.

AFTER ALL THAT
STUFF I SAID?

YOU SAID IT BECAUSE
YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.

AND THERE'S
EVERY REASON TO.

LOOK AT HIM.
HE IS OLD.

OLDER.
NOT OLD.

HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR.

TEMPORARILY.
THE ANKLE WILL HEAL.

I DON'T WANT TO
BE A YOUNG WIDOW.

LIKE ME?

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I HAD NO TIME
WITH HUBBELL.

24 HOURS.

BUT IT WAS A PRETTY
GREAT 24 HOURS.

YEAH.

YOU'LL HAVE TIME.

DO I LOOK OKAY?

DO YOU LOOK OKAY?

- YOU MAY KILL HIM
WITH THAT LOOK.
- MICHELLE.

I MEAN IT.
CROSS YOUR EYES

OR PICK YOUR TEETH
WITH YOUR TONGUE

WHILE YOU'RE
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE,

BECAUSE OTHERWISE
THE MAN'S HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

AND LIVES. HAS A
HEART ATTACK AND LIVES.

SHE BLEW AN ANTELOPE'S
HEAD OFF?

CLEAN OFF.

THAT'S CRAZY.

SHE JUST SAID ALL THAT
TO INTIMIDATE ME.

- BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER BROTHER?
- I DON'T KNOW. ASK HER.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS ALL ABOUT
PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.

WAIT, SO WAS SHE
THREATENING YOU?

- STAND DOWN, HULK.
- SHE SHOULDN'T
THREATEN YOU.

SHE JUST CAME UP
AND TOLD YOU THIS?

I MEAN,
JUST OUT OF THE BLUE?

YES,
FOR THE MOST PART.

I MEAN, I WAS
KIND OF SNIFFING
HER BROTHER'S JACKET.

- WHAT?
- IT WAS A MOMENT.

TO NEVER REPEAT.

WOW.
ALL DOLLED UP.

FRIEND JUST
GOT MARRIED.

YOU LOOK
REALLY NICE.

THANK YOU.

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- IT WAS A CONDOM.

I KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
WHAT WAS MICHELLE DOING?

WAS SHE OFFERING IT TO US?

THAT'S A MISDEMEANOR
AT LEAST.

IT FELT MORE LIKE
SHE FOUND IT.

AND THOUGHT IT
WAS ONE OF OURS?

SO THAT WAS A CONDOM,
NOT A MINT?

IT WAS A CONDOM, BOO.

I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO BUY ONE OF THOSE.

IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.
YOU GET SOME MONEY,

YOU GO TO A DRUGSTORE,
AND YOU BUY THEM.

COME ON. IT'S NOT LIKE
BUYING PAPER TOWELS, SASHA.

PEOPLE IN LINE
AND THE CHECK-OUT PERSON.

- THEY JUDGE YOU.
- JUDGE YOU HOW?

FOR BEING
A HUMAN BEING?

WITH NATURAL URGES?

PEOPLE DO JUDGE YOU.

I MEAN, I LOOK.
I JUDGE.

SO SQUEAMISH.

I WOULD EXPECT THAT FROM BOO,
BUT NOT FROM YOU TWO.

I DON'T NEED
TO BUY CONDOMS.

I'M ON THE PILL.

- WHAT?
- SINCE WHEN?

AS SOON AS MY MOTHER
HEARD ABOUT CARL,

SHE MARCHED ME
DOWN TO THE DOCTOR'S

AND PUT ME
ON THE PILL.

YOU AND CARL
ARE HAVING SEX?

WHAT? NO.

- THEN WHY ARE
YOU ON THE PILL?
- I JUST TOLD YOU.

I'M GOBSMACKED.

WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW. I STICK IT
IN A PEPPERMINT PATTY.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

BOO IS ON THE PILL.

YOU'RE HAVING
SEX WITH CARL?

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HEAR
I'M ON THE PILL

AND AUTOMATICALLY THINK
I'M HAVING SEX?

YOU ARE ABSURD, BOO.
YOU KNOW THAT?

- ABSURD.
- WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE PILL
BUT NOT HAVING SEX.

IT'S LIKE HAVING
A SUPERPOWER AND NOT USING IT.

I'LL USE IT EVENTUALLY.

CARL AND I ALREADY
MAPPED OUT OUR FIRST TIME.

IT'S GOING TO BE
AT SENIOR PROM.

WARN ME SO I CAN
AVERT MY EYES.

THAT'S A YEAR
AND A HALF AWAY.

I KNOW, BUT THAT'S
WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE.

ACTUALLY, IT'S GOING
TO BE THE NIGHT BEFORE

THE SENIOR PROM
SO WE CAN GET IT
OUT OF THE WAY

SO WE HAVE FUN
AT THE PROM.

NOW I'VE HEARD
EVERYTHING.

- HEY.
- YES? WHAT, DEZ?

NOTHING.

I JUST HEARD
YOU GUYS HAD CONDOMS.

GET LOST, DEZ.

YEAH.

I GUESS IT'S TIME
TO TALK ABOUT ME.

EVERYBODY.
THE FIRE IS OUT.

THERE WAS NO
PROPERTY DAMAGE

AND NO INJURIES.
YOU CAN GO HOME.

( cheering )

- SURVIVED ANOTHER ONE.
- RIGHT ON.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- HEY, THERE.
- HI.

SO, I'LL TAKE THE JOB.

- WHAT JOB?
- DRAWING LESSONS.

MY SISTER SAID YOU
WANTED DRAWING LESSONS?

- SHE SAID THAT?
- DID I HEAR WRONG?

NO. YES,
I WANT LESSONS.

GREAT. GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
I'LL PUNCH IN MY NUMBER.

OH. WILL DO.

WE CAN MEET
AT YOUR PLACE,

MY PLACE,
WHATEVER.

I'M PRETTY
AVAILABLE.

ME TOO.

AND THANK HER FOR ME

FOR PASSING
MY MESSAGE ON.

WILL DO.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

Michelle.
It's Bash, come in.

HEY, BASH.
WHERE ARE YOU?

COME ON OVER.

I just wanted to thank you
for all your hard work.

YOU'RE WELCOME.
I THINK WE MADE
A PRETTY SUCCESSFUL TEAM.

Definitely.

AND I BELIEVE IT'S
TIME WE CELEBRATE

- OUR SUCCESS.
- Come again?

THE CHAMPAGNE.
BREAK IT OUT, MAN.

But I'm not there.

WHAT?
WHERE ARE YOU?

On the road.
It's been a long night.

I'm pooped.

BASH, YOU SNUCK OUT
SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

SHARE THE CHAMPAGNE
WITH ME.

What's that?
You're breaking up.

- GET BACK HERE.
- I must be getting
out of range.

BASH, YOU OWE
ME CHAMPAGNE!

( stammering )

( applause )