Original subtitles

How's that? Is that good for you?

Not really. You're just dry humping my leg.

Okay, um, let's switch positions.

What about this?

Oh, leg cramp!

Oh! Ooh! Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Do you have to be so vigorous?

Sex is meant to be vigorous.

- Oh! - Okay, time out. Time out.

Um...

Do you want me to go down on you? Ruthie?

Or we could watch Blue Planet?

Okay.

Well, the silky sharks are a beautiful shark.

And what makes them even more fascinating is that there are thousands of them here.

Minge!

That's enough.

Settle down.

- Ah-ha! - Hey.

- You're in love with Maeve. - What?

- I'm not... I'm not in love. - Mm-hm.

Don't be ridiculous.

You’ve been glued to your phone for, like, three weeks,

and every time she texts you, this happens.

- What happens? Oh, sorry. - Watch it, breadstick.

Okay. Have a nice day.

This! You turn into smiley, happy cupcake Otis. It’s weird.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maeve and I are work colleagues and we're friends. That’s it.

- Yeah. Friends. - Boys and girls can be friends.

Yeah, sure. Their genitals can be friends.

I thought you said Maeve was with Jackson now, anyway.

They're not with each other. They’re just, you know...

Having super-hot, athletic, sweaty intercourse?

- Casual sex. - Uh! Uh!

You seem to know a lot about her relationship status.

Yes, because we're friends and friends share things.

Like bodily fluids?

Hey, look.

- Still looking for a job? - Hah, yeah.

Nice try, but you can't distract me

from the fact that you're clearly in love with Maeve!

- That was good. - Yeah.

I haven’t seen you for a while. I thought you didn't wanna hook up anymore.

- I've been busy. - All right.

Do you wanna hang out later?

- We just had sex. - I mean, like...

You know, hang out.

Jackson, I’m not offended that you wanna keep this a secret.

It’s casual and it works for me.

You don't have to try and be honorable and shit. Okay?

See you later.

Sh...

Oh, my God. Jackson is so hot.

Jackson is looking at us. God.

- Jackson's approaching us. - Mind if I join you?

- Jackson is here. - Uh...

- You know Maeve, right? - Nah.

Yes, you do. He does.

Well, yeah, I mean... we're friends. We're just friends, you know.

- Hey, man, I'm... - Handsome.

- Sorry, you are... - Eric.

Eric.

Some people know me as Tromboner.

- So, I need your help. - Me?

I mean... me?

- Well, Maeve and I, we're, you know... - Boning.

Yeah. And it's great.

But I've sort of realized that I want her to hang around with me more.

- Mm. - You know, afterwards.

- After the boning. Mm. - Yeah, so I thought you could help me out.

You want him to help you get Maeve to be your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't really know what I can do.

So...

- Well, I mean, you're her friend. - You're her friend?

And I heard you sort of give out sex advice.

- Yeah, he does. - Yeah.

So I thought you were the right person to talk to.

I mean, I can pay, if that's the problem.

- I... - Oh, shit, I've gotta run.

- Let’s catch up later. - Wait, no.

- I really appreciate this, man. Take care. - Yeah.

This...

Is that Jackson's new girlfriend?

Oh! Ha! You are like a pimp.

And not the cool Snoop Dogg kind.

Hm!

D.

D.

E.

And on this one you just drew a picture of a...

That's a... It's a woman's behind.

There. There's a...

- That's a bumhole, there's a vagina. - You won't be laughing

when you throw yourself off a motorway bridge at the age of 35

because of the failure you have become!

I have spoken to the dean at Mountview Military this morning.

- Dad, I... - Your name is on the waiting list.

You have until the end of term to get these grades up and change my mind.

Sorry I'm late. I had a, uh...

Had a thing.

Get it together, we've got clients.

Roger. Affirmative. Good to go.

It’s like the more we try, the worse it gets.

Like we can't get in sync or find a rhythm.

When we're having sex, I feel like I've never seen a vagina before.

But I have, I've got one and I've looked at it a lot.

It's got to the point where when I think about touching Ruthie,

I get really panicked, because I know it's gonna be really bad.

Like when you put together a bookshelf from IKEA

and you realize you don’t have the right screw

and the whole thing was a waste of time

and then you just hate everything about Sweden.

- Ruthie, tell him how bad it is. - Look, I don't know why we're doing this.

It's not like some advice from a 16-year-old straight dude

is gonna magically fix us.

It’s stupid.

Yeah, well, I mean, you're right, Ruthie.

I'm not particularly well-versed

in the intricacies of lesbian sexual relations,

but I think,

if I can learn a bit more about your emotional relationship to one another,

I might be able to get closer to the root of the problem.

We don’t have a problem with our relationship.

We're in love and it's great.

We're just...

inexperienced.

This is my first lesbian relationship.

Me too.

First, I mean, lesbian sex therapy session.

So have you got any ideas, Kinsey?

I'd like to have an orgasm sometime this century.

Yeah, leave it with me.

I’ll do some research and see what I can come up with.

Yeah, brilliant.

Thanks, thank you.

How'd it go?

Might be a tricky one.

Ah...

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm coming down with something. Nothing serious, though.

Do you want to come in and we can get started?

- I'm just gonna grab my... - Follow me.

Have a seat.

I won't bite.

So...

scrotal anxiety.

Your email implies you've been struggling with this for a while.

Why don't you start by telling me your earliest memory of your scrotum?

Oh, goodness.

I'm sorry, I completely forgot.

I, uh...

- I'm having my bathroom redone. - Yeah, I know.

I have my tools outside.

So I'd better go and get them, right?

Earliest memory,

I'd just turned five.

And I was looking down,

and thought,

"Oh, there are my balls."

The topic for this year's sixth form essay competition is

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer."

Entry is compulsory.

This is a fantastic opportunity that could look very good

on your university applications next year.

Are any of you even listening? No, I didn't think so. Anyway...

Here's some more information. Take it or leave it.

I'll be interested to see your take on this, Maeve. Genuinely.

- I'm giving the money back. - No, hold up.

You have a rare opportunity here to use your power for self-interest.

What do you mean?

You keep the money. Give Jackson the wrong advice. Make trouble.

Okay, that is unethical

- on so many levels. - Oh!

Yeah, unethical or...

badass?

- Completely unethical. - Ugh!

Eric, I'm giving the money back.

Okay? End of story.

Well, after you then, Captain Morality.

Otis!

You tracked me down.

Listen, I... I need to give this back to you.

I feel uncomfortable talking behind Maeve’s back. It’s wrong.

It's unethical and it's just wrong.

- I get it. - All right, cool.

Yeah. No problem. You're an honorable guy.

- Great. Here's the money. - Maeve is such a head-fuck, man.

Like a Rubik's Cube. She says one thing and then does something else.

And I can't keep up.

- Know what I mean? - Not really. But here you go.

We’ll have crazy amazing sex, yeah?

I'm talking, like, transcendental-level shagging.

- Okay, stop! - Aaah!

And then she ignores me for days.

But then, she wants to do it again and round and round we go.

She's like some sexy merry-go-round, and I can't get off.

She's not an object!

Ohh... What?

Uh... I said she's not an object.

You keep describing her as inanimate objects, but she is a person.

Have you even thought about asking her what she wants

or what she likes?

- Well, what does she like? - Lots of things.

Um... Female writers, for a start.

Oh, like The Hunger Games?

More like, uh, Virginia Woolf or Roxane Gay or Sylvia Plath.

She also has a great taste in music. Joy Division, Nirvana, Bikini Kill...

But she's not a snob. I mean, she'll listen to pop.

- And she has a really dark sense of humor. - I didn't know that.

What are you... What are you doing?

I'm taking notes. This is super helpful.

No! No! I'm not helping.

- This is not helping. - Yeah, it is.

Stop pulling your pricks and get out here! 40 lengths!

Get a move on, Jackson.

Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.

- Take care. - Yeah.

Bye, Jackson.

Oh, no.

Good job.

Good job.

Ugh.

Go get herpes somewhere else, guys.

Oh, hey, Maeve.

You’re not actually reading Virginia Woolf.

Why wouldn't I be? She's a brilliant mind.

Who’s the big-nosed chick?

A fierce, feminist voice of 20th-century Britain, obviously.

I've never seen you read before. Is this some kind of joke?

No! I read all the time.

Hey.

Do you know you are the only person

to take this book out of the library since 1972?

Not anymore, apparently.

So now he's a feminist!

You've made the hottest guy in school even hotter.

He's basically Ryan Gosling. Well done.

You don't understand. He's like a Jedi.

Okay? He just talked, and no matter what I did, he got what he wanted.

The one thing you had going for you was that you're all woke and shit.

Kind of counters the whole lame virgin thing.

Now he's checking his privilege. It's game over.

- It's not a game. - It is a game.

- Because Maeve and I are just friends. - Hm.

Anyway, she's not gonna fall for this whole performance.

Oh, my God, I love Virginia Woolf.

Nice guys finish last.

Especially when there's a nicer guy with rock-hard abs.

Ruby thinks Kyle should change the way he dresses,

but I think he looks nice.

He has been wearing a lot of trackie bottoms recently,

but that's only 'cause he set his jeans on fire.

What?

He’s got second-degree burns on his thighs,

but he was blazed when it happened, so it only hurt a bit.

Hey, Maeve.

What do you think Woolf meant by,

"The history of men's opposition to women's emancipation

is more interesting, perhaps, than the story of that emancipation itself"?

That men are dicks, and selective castration is our only hope.

You know, you are so dark.

- What? - Your humor, it's dark. I like dark humor.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

He's being so weird.

I think he’s peacocking.

But with words.

Girls, less chatting, more running!

- Look! Look, look, look! - I know! Okay!

Are you listening to Sløtface?

Oh, what? Sløtface? Yeah, their new album is incredible.

Since when do you like punk?

Oh, wait, do you like punk?

- Among other things. - Ah!

Well, I've actually got a spare ticket for this local band night.

Pussyfest. Do you wanna come?

- Maybe. - All right, it's a date.

Actually, I can't. I've got an essay to write.

- Huh? - Have fun, though.

She's not gonna text you.

She's texting Jackson now.

Who needs a friend when you have a boyfriend?

Uh, he's not her boyfriend. Okay?

I mean, I wouldn't care if he was, but he's not.

He's literally not.

Well, well. Appears you were wrong.

I've gotta go.

See, Maeve and I still run a sex clinic together.

And that's still weird.

That's really, really weird.

What?

Is the music too loud?

N... No, it's fine.

Okay.

How's it going?

Quite a bit of mold, but, uh, it's fixable.

Great.

- I mean, that's fine. - Yeah.

Are you writing another book?

Uh...

I mean, I saw that you've... you've written books,

this morning, in your office.

Yes, I did. A very long time ago.

But, um... I don't really write anymore.

Why?

Well, um...

I wrote that last book with my...

ex-husband.

And we split just after the publication.

And I tried, but, to be honest, um...

the fear creeps in a bit as you get older.

I don't know why I'm telling you that.

Fuck fear.

I'm sorry?

Fuck the fear.

Tomorrow, you could be driving along in your car, happily,

and then, uh, smash you, uh, head to head with an 18-wheeler truck

and you're squished to the road, and you're dead.

Just a waste of time.

So fuck fear.

Hello, darling.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Homework stuff. - Well...

I should leave you to it.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Hello!

Are you a friend of Otis'?

No, I'm here to pick up my father.

You know, intense European dude. Thinks he’s a comedian.

Piercing blue eyes. He's got "fuck" written across his hand...

Don't be a man-child, get a move on. I'm late for work!

I am ignoring you. Hurry up.

Please can I use your bathroom?

Yes. It's upstairs.

Thanks.

Mum!

You're not my mum.

I just... I'm not...

This is research!

Uh...

You should probably think about gettin' a lock on this door.

Where's the bathroom?

- Uh, on your left. - Thanks.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Oh, don't annoy me.

How have you pooped?

Oh, yuck.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Okay, stay.

Yeah, you should feel bad.

Ugh.

Uh... Francis, Bacon, get back here!

Oh! Come on! Come on!

What the hell?

Uh, Francis!

Bacon!

Shit.

Oh, okay. Come on, guys, come on.

Oh. Come on.

Hey.

Sorry, new job. Dog walker.

Gay.

Quiet, Madam.

Be quiet, Madam.

Um...

She's not my dog. She's my mum's.

Yeah, she's cute.

She's a champ. Okay?

She’s like the Kim Kardashian of tiny dogs.

Oh.

Up, Madam.

Up! Show me tits.

- Good girl. Oh! Good girl. - Hey!

That is wicked.

Hey, Madam sounds a bit like Adam.

What are you trying to say?

Nothing. Nothing. Okay, bye. Bye, um...

- Madam! Madam! - Um...

I'm so sorry.

Uh, I've gotta drop these off, but I can come back...

Don't bother, okay? You shouldn’t be walkin' dogs if you can’t control them.

Just fuck off.

Madam! Madam!

You can't even walk a dog!

The mind boggles!

Think about poor Madam!

Out there alone. Won't last five minutes!

Are you happy?

You broke her heart. Your own mother.

It wasn't me. I swear it wasn't my fault.

Excuses, excuses. Go on, go!

Fuck!

Hello.

Hi.

Okay, then.

I heard a thing.

- Okay. - This thing concerns your virginal status.

Excuse me?

I heard on the grapevine that your cherry remains unpopped.

- That's none of your business. - Yeah, let’s skip the faux modesty.

- I'm down if you are. - Down?

Deflowering the maiden.

Breaking the lawn chair, skinning the fish.

- Your dick in my vagina. What do you say? - Yeah, um...

Wait, sorry, who are you?

Whoever you want me to be.

Also, I'm Lily.

Well, thanks, Lily, but, um...

I'm gonna have to politely decline.

Okay.

Well, if you change your mind,

you can usually find me in music room B.

Or algebra club.

Bye, then.

Bye.

Woof-woof-woof! O-Dawg!

Uh... J... Dude.

Just wanna say thanks for the help, man.

Me and Maeve have been texting all night.

- She's, like, mad brainy. - Yeah. I know.

I'm actually into some of this stuff too, you know.

- It is good to look outside your bubble. - Yeah, I guess it is.

- It's all thanks to you, man. - You know what, Jackson?

- I... - Ah, that's her!

- I didn't... - Gotta go. Thank you.

- Wait. - Yeah?

Okay.

Yo!

It's for you.

It's soup, for a sick person.

Oh, no! Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

I'm feeling so much better today. Just a scratchy throat.

Still, uh... eat the soup. It's good for you.

No one's ever made me soup before.

It's just soup.

Okay, back to work, then.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Mm!

Why don't you just go out with him?

Let's do a mind map.

- What's that? - Oh, it's just writing stuff down.

But in a fun way that engages all sides of your brain.

You mean both sides.

Yeah, all of them.

It's really good for hard decisions

like, should I get a fringe,

even though Mum says it'll make my face look chubby?

Or should I tell Mum I hate her and run away from home?

Hm?

So, let's start with Jackson's nice bits.

Okay. Um...

He's good at sex.

Like, properly good.

Mm!

- Uh, he's attractive. - And he's popular.

Mm-hm. And he's going places.

Like, he's not a slacker.

No, he's probably gonna be president or something.

We don't have presidents in this country, Aimee.

Okay, what else?

Do you have things in common?

Yeah, we do.

- Weirdly. - So...

Cons?

- I don't want a boyfriend. - I don't get it.

Having a boyfriend is the best thing.

What’s so good about it?

You always have someone to hang out with.

And, like, last week, I got chased by a fox, and Kyle threw a shoe at it.

It was so romantic.

This is good. It's really helpful, being in the water, isn't it?

It's freeing us up. We're really figuring out how our bodies can intertwine.

It’s working well for me. Is it working for you?

No.

How's it going, guys?

What are you doing?

I don't want you to think I engineered this situation

for my own sexual gratification.

That would be super creepy.

Hence the backwards stance.

This is even creepier. Just turn around. Stop being creepy.

Well, like I said before, I am a sex and relationship therapist.

You are a teenager with an inflated sense of self-importance.

Right. Well, I have a hunch

that this is more to do with your relationship than your physical intimacy.

- How's your communication? - We've known each other

since primary school, and we talk for hours.

- It might help. - Interesting.

How long have you guys been together?

About four months.

We both came out around the same time and it just happened.

Interesting.

I'm sure you find lots of things interesting,

but our problem is with the sex, not the relationship.

So we're just gonna figure this out on our own.

Uh...

Well, come back when you're ready to talk about your relationship.

Good session, team. Great progress.

How's it going with Jackson?

- What do you mean? - I mean...

You guys seem to be spending a lot of time together.

What do you care?

I was just asking. Sorry.

He does seem keen for us to hang out more, but...

I don't really get it.

Like, we have loads of sex.

So why'd he wanna complicate things?

It's stupid. Anyway, I don't do boyfriends.

Why not?

You know in rom-coms, when the guy finally realizes he’s in love with the girl,

and he turns up with a boom box outside her house,

blasting her favorite song, and everyone in the audience swoons?

Yeah, that makes me sick.

Okay, but seriously,

what's wrong with boyfriends?

It’s just someone else to let you down, isn't it?

You really think so?

What the hell?

What?

Ah!

Like that, do you?

Don't fucking...

So... why don't you wanna go out with Jackson?

- I mean, really. - No.

We don't do that therapy thing.

Save that for the clientele.

Fine.

I'm me and he's him.

Meaning?

Come on, Otis, he's Jackson and I'm... You know.

Maeve.

No, I'm a grotty, stinky cock-biter who lives in a caravan.

Come on! You're not. Look...

You're not that stinky.

Plus, I thought it was a scrote you bit?

Dickhead!

Oh!

You look like the Cookie Monster.

Wait...

Ooh! Okay.

Ow! Yeah, let's go.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You coming?

No.

- What? You just said we better go. - I'm staying here.

Why?

Um...

Exercise.

Yeah, but school is closing.

Yeah, but...

exercise.

Okay.

You're compellingly odd, Milburn.

Fucking go away.

Must have been one hell of a blow job, Wiley.

Otis.

Uh...

Promise not to laugh.

I might have a mild to moderate crush on Maeve.

Yeah, no shit. What gave it away?

She, uh...

She touched my eyebrows and now I have an erection.

You said you wouldn't laugh.

Ugh. It won't go away.

It's been half an hour,

and it's really cold.

There's only one solution.

Okay.

It's just wanking.

Oh, God.

Ah, stop! Ah! No!

AC/DC! AC/DC! Okay.

Adam and the Ants, Aerosmith, Alice in Chains.

The Blues Brothers. Bowie, David.

The Byrds. Okay.

- Did you do it? - No.

I alphabetized my music collection and it went away.

It's okay, man.

- Next time. - We won't speak of this ever again, okay?

Otis!

You got a minute?

Yeah.

I know the drill.

Bye, Jackson.

So I'm gonna ask Maeve out, properly this time.

- How do you think I should do it? - Jackson...

you're a smart guy. I'm sure you can figure it out.

But I need your help. Everything you said worked.

- I don't want to screw this up. - I'm all out of advice, sorry.

Come on, man. Look, we talk, we laugh. We have crazy good sex.

Now I just wanna seal the deal.

Well...

what do you usually do?

Well, usually I say, "Do you wanna go out?" And then they say yes.

It's that easy?

Well, it's just not usually this hard.

Okay, do you even like Maeve?

Or have you just never not got your way before?

No, I like her.

I wake up and I'm thinkin' about her.

I go to sleep and I'm thinkin' about her.

It's driving me insane.

I think she could be the...

the one.

Wait, sorry.

Sorry. You're right. I'll figure this out on my own.

- You've helped out enough. - Yeah.

You know, it's weird. You're my age, but wise.

You're like my mum...

in a little man’s body.

Like a little mum man.

No offense.

Make a grand gesture.

What, like flowers?

Grander.

Like a giant teddy bear?

Much grander.

Think, like... like rom-com grand, you know?

Public, passionate.

Heart on your sleeve, running through the rain...

If it seems too much, go bigger.

- If you want her... - Yeah.

...show her how much.

Trust me.

All right. Thanks, man.

You really are a good guy.

You are stone cold evil.

Look, you told me to screw over Jackson.

All right? This was your idea.

I say lots of stuff. You're not supposed to listen to me.

- This is bad. You're a bad person. - Stop saying that.

Why are you now suddenly bad?

Because I'm in love with Maeve, all right? There, I admit it. Are you happy?

Well, not really. I think I prefer Cupcake Otis.

I need to stop Jackson.

Uh, then he'll know that you're in love with Maeve.

Then I need to warn Maeve about what he's gonna do.

Then she'll know that you took money from Jackson and gave him bad advice

- because you're in love with her. - All my options are dog shit.

Yep.

I'm going home.

Okay.

Well, have a nice night, bad man.

Thank you for all your work.

And for the soup.

It was very good.

I, uh... washed it.

I told you, it's the best soup.

- Oh. It's okay. - Clumsy man.

I...

Thank you.

You are a strange woman.

Goodbye, then.

Just put those in there.

Thank you. Goodbye, Jean.

Bye, Mr. Builder.

- Hello. - Uh...

Finish your research?

My... Yes.

Oh, my God. Yes, I did.

It was actual research, by the way.

It's... It's hard to explain.

But, um, I needed to know about scissoring.

Okay. I'm Ola.

I'm Otis.

I got something for you. To help with your research.

My dad installed it.

You know we’re already recording it.

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.

- Hey. - See ya.

See ya.

Eric!

Eric!

Dad, I think I know who...

Go get hot water and bleach. I don't want your mother seeing this.

- Who are you pervin' on? - Aah!

No one.

Well, um...

Ruthie, but I'm not perving, I'm just watching.

Never mind.

Shame the scissoring thing didn't work.

I'm so skint right now.

Uh...

- What's that? - It's your cut. I treated someone.

You're a fucking gem, Otis.

Tromboner.

Hey, Adam.

Did you find Madam?

Can you smell...

dog shit?

Wiley, can I speak to you for a second?

No chemically induced hard-on today?

You're so funny, you make my dick hurt. Listen...

Uh, that essay thing Sands was banging on about. Write it for me.

- I can pay. - The hand-in's tomorrow. Sorry.

Shit, I really need this.

Come on, I can pay double.

Triple.

Okay.

Great.

What did you buy from the supermarket today?

Only you could make French unsexy.

You do not want to kiss your girlfriend anymore.

Hm?

You like someone else.

Look, Tanya is my best friend.

She was really supportive of me when I came out and everything.

- So when she came out too, I thought... - You might as well be in a relationship.

We're so close, I thought it would be the perfect relationship,

but when we have sex...

it just feels wrong.

And when I'm doing it with Jessa...

everything just works.

I don't know what to do.

You have to tell Tanya the truth.

It would kill her.

You can't choose who you're attracted to.

You can't...

You can't engineer a relationship.

You have to do what's right.

I still think it’s weird a teenage boy is a sex therapist.

C'est la vie.

This is an urgent announcement from your Head Boy.

Will all sixth formers please head to the canteen now?

Has anyone seen Jackson?

Uh... Maybe it’s a fire drill?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Maeve! - Look. He's gonna make a speech.

Yes, Moordale! Sorry for the interruption,

but, hey, it's just your education, right?

There's somebody in this crowd who is very special to me.

And no, it's not you, Mr. Groff.

This person is pretty damn incredible.

She's one of a kind.

But I was an idiot because I wanted to hide how I felt.

Well, I'm not gonna keep it secret anymore.

Maeve Wiley...

this is for you.

I think he's gonna...

...sing.

No. No! No, no, no, no, no!

I'm in Swing Band. Why didn't they ask me to play?

Will you please be my girlfriend?

You dickhead.

Well, that was unexpected.