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1
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I lost 80% of my mind.
2
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It's very freeing.
3
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You should see the look
on your faces right now, by the way.
4
00:00:58,684 --> 00:00:59,768
Oh!
5
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,150
Good evening, San Francisco.
Are you guys excited, yeah?
6
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,197
All right. Well, my name is Vir Das.
7
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We're gonna have such a good time
tonight. I'm so excited.
8
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It's gonna be delightful.
9
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,620
Oh, this is how I talk now.
10
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I just thought it was time
to really embrace my roots, you know,
11
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and to make my comedy
more authentically Indian.
12
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And really, what could be more Indian
than a fake American accent?
13
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I don't think you understand.
14
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:43,520
I have an opportunity
to make history tonight, guys.
15
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I can. I can be the first ever Indian
who comes to California...
16
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,260
and then leaves.
17
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That's never happened before.
18
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,360
Because you guys are sticking around.
19
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,538
Until they kick you out.
20
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,916
Which, going by the news,
is about three weeks from now.
21
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,881
Now, I used to work in America
in the year 2002.
22
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,842
It didn't go very well,
so I left for browner pastures.
23
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:20,307
And then, honestly, I didn't think about
you guys for 15 years.
24
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:24,610
Because, honestly, there is nothing
that you can get in America
25
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,771
that I can't get in India.
26
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,985
And then my government banned beef
and I was like,
27
00:02:32,690 --> 00:02:34,821
"You know, an international career
might not be such a bad thing!"
28
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,909
Make no mistake.
I'm just here for the beef.
29
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:44,706
It's been a good couple of years for me.
I went on my first world tour.
30
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I saw the entire world.
31
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,292
I went... Yeah.
32
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,463
Would you like to know what 33 countries
in the world have in common?
33
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,506
- Would you like to know, yeah?
- Yeah!
34
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:57,594
Two things. Number one, I have now
masturbated in all 33 of those countries.
35
00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,929
Thank you.
36
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,393
I'm like the Genghis Khan
of the Holiday Inn chain.
37
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,396
My DNA is everywhere.
38
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,566
If your hotel has a memory foam mattress,
I'm the memory.
39
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,785
And two, no matter where I went
in the entire world,
40
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,286
people said the same thing.
41
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,288
They said, "Oh, my God, you're Indian?
42
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,250
I love Indian people.
They're, like, so smart.
43
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,378
Indian people, you're, like, so smart."
44
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:35,257
Which leads me to believe
the rest of the world not that smart.
45
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,802
Now, there's no answer to that question.
46
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,846
Whenever somebody says,
"Indian people, so smart,"
47
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,181
all we can do is just, "Namaste,"
and, "Yes."
48
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:46,434
"Okay."
49
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,106
Because we all know the reality, right?
50
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,776
In reality, 20% of India is smart.
51
00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,154
Eighty percent of India is so stupid,
52
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,197
we don't even give them a passport.
53
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,703
Eighty percent of India is just
Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks,
54
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,538
all right? That's basically India.
55
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,670
No, in reality, 20% of India is smart,
56
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,381
but it's a population game,
so we get away with it.
57
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,886
Because 20% of India
is 98% of most countries.
58
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,475
So, statistically,
Indians are not smarter.
59
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,643
There are just more smart Indians.
60
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,647
And if you're taking time
with that joke...
61
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,654
...you're in the 80%.
62
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,700
And for the world to progress,
you need to go.
63
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,329
That's what I believe.
If this world is going to progress,
64
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:51,166
Eighty percent of us, this, everything,
everyone needs to go.
65
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:55,378
Same number, 80/20, applies to you,
American people and English.
66
00:04:55,921 --> 00:05:00,300
Think about your country. Eighty percent
of America speaks English good.
67
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,559
But I'm pretty sure
20% of America speaks English well.
68
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,485
And if you don't understand
the difference...
69
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,280
then you will make America great again.
70
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,784
I promise you. You're the one.
It'll happen because of you, you, you.
71
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,245
Build that wall.
72
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,959
But in today's world,
we don't need to speak English
73
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,919
because we have social media.
74
00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:39,673
Eighty percent of social media
cannot spell "social" or "media."
75
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,843
And if you can figure out
how to communicate with them,
76
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,530
you can rule any country in the world.
77
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:49,432
That's the new strategy. A leader, a brand
gives us three, four words of evil.
78
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,561
We are instantly hypnotized,
mesmerized, on board.
79
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:54,437
That's all it takes. Three, four words.
80
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,899
"Make America great." "Build that wall."
"Jail that bitch." "Drain that swamp."
81
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,609
"I'm lovin' it." "You're worth it."
82
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,778
"Liyo to Jio." "Abki baar Modi sarkar."
83
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,655
We are on board instantly.
84
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:04,573
But...
85
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,160
Every day on Twitter
I am called anti-national,
86
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,830
unpatriotic, a traitor,
87
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:12,913
un-Indian,
88
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,458
and to all of that shit, I say, "Spot on!"
89
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:21,673
Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality
is Indian, but I'm 20% African.
90
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:26,595
Yeah. And I know what you're thinking,
"Vir, which 20%?"
91
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,104
And I will tell you.
92
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:40,358
It's my childhood, guys. My childhood.
I grew up in Africa.
93
00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:44,279
In Lagos, Nigeria,
but see, when I say the word "Africa,"
94
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,449
firstly, some musical shit happens
in your head, right?
95
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,951
The minute I say the word "Africa..."
96
00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:51,286
...but then after that...
97
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:57,125
you guys think of, like, tribes or nature
or wildlife or malaria.
98
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:02,470
When my parents went to Africa
in the early '80s,
99
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,550
when Indians were going to Africa
for gold and diamonds
100
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,469
and oil and malaria...
101
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,389
Malaria has pretty much never left Africa.
102
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,590
If Africa is McDonald's,
malaria is French fries.
103
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,610
They just give you that shit
with everything.
104
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,981
I realize I'm being a bit unfair,
comparing McDonald's to malaria.
105
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,651
You know, malaria is a curable illness.
106
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:24,680
But...
107
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,322
But Indians were very rich in Africa.
108
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:31,340
We had a house with an electric fence
around it. All Indians did.
109
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:37,165
At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard
with an AK-47 machine gun. Security.
110
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:40,377
Do you know how many people
you would have to murder in India
111
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,962
to get that level of security?
112
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,174
Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry,
sorry, sorry.
113
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:47,509
One second, I'll do it again.
114
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,179
Do you know how senior a politician
you would have to be in India...
115
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:59,312
And then we lost everything in one week.
116
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,482
A dictator got shot, government changed,
expats fled,
117
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,276
and all of a sudden,
we were poor for the first time,
118
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,195
but the worst kind of poor, guys.
119
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,697
New poor. Yuck.
120
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,118
'Cause, you know, normal poor,
you don't think twice about that shit.
121
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,780
Do you? No, you accept it.
122
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,789
I'm poor, you're poor.
We can't afford downtown.
123
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,830
We live in San Jose.
You accept that shit, but...
124
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:30,844
But when you're new poor, you have
a fresh reminder of what you're missing.
125
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:35,473
Let me give you context. We went from
a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria,
126
00:08:36,570 --> 00:08:38,852
to a seven-bedroom house
in Delhi, in Noida.
127
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,481
But we only had enough furniture
for one bedroom.
128
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:47,736
Do you know what it's like to live
in a house with six empty bedrooms?
129
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,364
If you meet somebody in there,
you just assume they're a ghost.
130
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,659
I was 16 years old.
131
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,496
Do you know how important it is for a boy
to have his own room at 16?
132
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:04,377
We are producing our body weight in sperm
on a daily basis when we are 16.
133
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,966
Indian men, have you ever jacked off
in an empty room with no furniture?
134
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,303
We need something to rest on, right?\
Just...
135
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:16,805
Structure.
136
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,953
You know, in case you think of
that one extra girl and the legs go.
137
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,312
You know what I'm talking about.
138
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,814
I had to train myself to jack off
139
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,192
in the center of the room
like a yoga guru.
140
00:09:31,290 --> 00:09:32,822
Like a feng shui master.
141
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,340
Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm.
142
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,245
Really feel out the space.
143
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,831
When I was done,
I could never find the sperm.
144
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,541
The floors were Italian marble.
145
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,588
Till date, if I have sex,
I face the girl north.
146
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,801
My father is my hero.
147
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:56,387
My father went
from driving a Mercedes S-Class,
148
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,389
beautiful German engineering,
149
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,892
to driving a Maruti 800.
150
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,813
Americans, it's just a roller skate
with dreams.
151
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:10,151
But he's my hero because he never lost
his optimism in his adversity.
152
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,404
On the day he walked us in
to buy that shitty car,
153
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,490
he got so excited about that car.
154
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,827
He knew it would make his family excited
about that car.
155
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,580
Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited
about that shitty car for the first time.
156
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,417
He walked in performing.
"Is this your top-of-the-line model?"
157
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,300
"Yes!"
158
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,173
"Well, what makes
this one top-of-the-line?"
159
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,920
"Sir, this one has four wheels.
160
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,346
Also, sir, the car has a sun roof."
161
00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:42,559
"Really? I don't see a sun roof."
"Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin.
162
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,771
So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like
you are sitting in the center of the sun.
163
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,192
This car has two indicators, sir,
left and right.
164
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,443
Here's the right one.
165
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,740
And the car has six gear changes."
166
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,659
"Really? I only see four."
167
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,369
"Exactly. There's first,
168
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:02,912
second...
169
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,831
third...
170
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,416
...third...
171
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,917
...third...
172
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:09,710
and fourth.
173
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,304
"Would you like me to turn
the air conditioner on, sir?"
174
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,722
"Absolutely."
175
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,856
My mom had to get a job.
She had never worked before,
176
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,193
so she did the one thing that women
who spoke good English in India did.
177
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,195
She read the news for Doordarshan.
178
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:39,199
Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN,
but with credibility.
179
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,707
With no training or formal experience,
180
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:51,669
my mother was Doordarshan's top newsreader
in one week.
181
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,713
That's all it took. Yeah.
182
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,966
That's how bad Doordarshan's English was
at the time.
183
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,221
I don't know what happened
at her first job interview.
184
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:04,557
They're like, "Mrs. Das,
can you pronounce 'epsinocage'?"
185
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,600
"Do you mean 'espionage'?"
186
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:08,853
"You're hired, madam!
187
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,280
We've been wondering for ten years."
188
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,781
I changed schools.
189
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,534
I went from India's top private boarding
school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar...
190
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,162
Yeah, yeah, damaged goods.
191
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,246
...to...
192
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,628
From Lawrence School, Sanawar,
to Delhi Public School.
193
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,882
Yeah, that was a great transition.
194
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,885
I went from an English medium school
195
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:43,221
to a school
where they spoke English medium.
196
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:53,398
I went from nouns, pronouns and verbs
to chest, shoulder, triceps.
197
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:59,237
I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats
to, "Eh, madam, eh!"
198
00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:03,866
I couldn't do the examination thing.
199
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,619
Here's how bad my results were
in Delhi Public School.
200
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:10,832
My first PTA meeting, the teacher sat
my parents down and she was like,
201
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,125
"Mr...
202
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,211
and Mrs. Das...
203
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:21,217
Vir has issues...
204
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,644
that need to be...
205
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,630
addressed."
206
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:39,610
And then I realized she was talking
to my parents really slowly.
207
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,492
Because I think she just assumed
the stupidity ran through my family.
208
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,833
And the thing is, I'm not stupid.
I'm just dyslexic.
209
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,710
You guys know what dyslexia is?
210
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,504
It's a reading-writing disorder.
You jumble up letters.
211
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,382
When I was in school,
that shit didn't exist.
212
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,761
Like, if I went to my parents,
"Mom, Dad, I'm dyslexic,"
213
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,284
they'd be like, "Shut up,
boys are not meant to be with boys."
214
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,515
But...
215
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,270
By the way, if you're dyslexic,
being gay is a great choice.
216
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:19,484
Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like
a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word.
217
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,528
Something like "lozenges" or...
218
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,697
"logarithm."
219
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,659
Like, till date, I can't write cursive.
It's a big issue in my life.
220
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,286
I can't write joint letters.
221
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,748
I remember the first time I told my mom,
typical Indian mom,
222
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,209
I was like,
"Mom, I can't write joint letters."
223
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,300
And she was like,
"Why don't you write all the letters first
224
00:14:39,870 --> 00:14:40,421
and join them later?"
225
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:50,807
"Because I'm writing an essay, Mom,
not designing a fucking freeway."
226
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,813
So I had to write all of my exams
in block letters,
227
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:01,317
so in my final grade 12 exam,
I got 52% in English,
228
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,194
even though my answers were good.
229
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,614
And I think it's because the examiner
thought I was yelling at him.
230
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,159
You know, he's just reading my paper.
231
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,247
"The reincarnations of Krishna
232
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,874
represent the true line
of Indian mythology!"
233
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,837
He's like, "Well, that's a good point,
but I don't like your attitude."
234
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,381
Because back then,
235
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,967
a Hindu screaming angrily
for no reason seemed strange.
236
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:27,510
Now it's election strategy.
237
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,437
I lost 80% of my religion this year.
238
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:41,524
And I think it's because I started
to believe in God.
239
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:50,116
I believe that God exists in children,
nature, animals.
240
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:53,161
Pretty much anywhere but temples,
churches and mosques.
241
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:55,790
That's where I believe God exists.
242
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,292
Because that, like...
243
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:03,129
'Cause I don't think he goes
to those places. I will explain why.
244
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,548
Do you ever take a selfie, guys?
You ever take a selfie?
245
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,260
And you know how to make yourself
look good in that selfie, right?
246
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:13,222
But if you hand your friend the phone,
they will fuck up the selfie.
247
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,516
Absolutely. Why?
248
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,103
Because they do not understand
your correct angles.
249
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,398
I think for God, man is that friend.
250
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,735
We have always fucked up the image of God
251
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,571
because we don't understand
his correct angles.
252
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,656
Symbolically and visually.
253
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,826
I think the first time
Jesus Christ walked into a church,
254
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,745
he was like, "What the fuck is that?
255
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,458
Who drew that shit?
You, Leonardo? Come here.
256
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,419
What is that shit, bro?
257
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,881
Who is that sad, skinny guy?
What is this shit? What is that?
258
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,960
I carried that cross for three days
without carbs.
259
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,682
You couldn't draw a tricep,
you son of a bitch?"
260
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:05,441
Hindus, I think the first time
our God Ganesha walked into a temple,
261
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,401
he was like, "What the fuck is that?
262
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,779
I'm half man, half elephant.
263
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,448
That's brown and gray.
What is all this color?
264
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,409
What, are you people on acid?
265
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,539
What is this? Hinduism by Disney?
What's going on?"
266
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:25,628
Muslims, I think the first time Muhammad
walked into a mosque, he was like...
267
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,593
I don't know what Muhammad looks like,
do you?
268
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:37,431
Nobody does. Every time we try to draw
the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember?
269
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,978
I'm not doing that joke.
Je suis intimidated, all right?
270
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,528
I can feel your assholes
just tightening up on that joke, yeah.
271
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,326
Look, guys,
I believe the future of world peace
272
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,495
is not going to come from politics
or economics.
273
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,997
It will come from religions.
274
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,375
The world will be okay
when every religion in the world learns
275
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,210
to have some fun and chill the fuck out.
276
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,450
Can we agree on that, yeah?
277
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,719
Two religions, in specific,
Christianity and Islam.
278
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,971
You've got to work your shit out, guys.
279
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:19,348
I feel like, as Hindus,
we can say that shit.
280
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,352
'Cause Hindus are like
your common best friend
281
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,813
who's caught in the middle
of your awkward break-up.
282
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:35,573
And I think the only country in the world
that can make that peace happen is you.
283
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:37,991
America.
284
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,328
You can do it. You can.
285
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,440
You, America, just have to do
with religion...
286
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:52,890
what you have always historically done
so well...
287
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,133
with foreign food.
288
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:03,976
Just, combine it and make
your own stupid American version of it.
289
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,426
Wouldn't you like to see
a religion of peace in the world?
290
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,108
Would you like to see that,
ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah?
291
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,270
A new religion of peace
292
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:17,323
when Muslims and Christians
can come together and pray in harmony.
293
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,408
Ladies and gentlemen, "Chrislam..."
294
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,840
Breathe, breath, breath.
295
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,253
Chrislam is a great religion, guys.
296
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,422
You know how, Christians, you get Sunday?
297
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,920
And, Muslims, you get Friday?
298
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,844
So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday.
299
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,598
You wake up on Saturday,
you go to the "chosque."
300
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,694
And there's great festivals in Chrislam,
guys. There's Eid-ster.
301
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,113
Ahh!
302
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,200
You just hide chocolate goats
in the garden. So much fun. So much fun.
303
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,621
There's Shukriya-giving...
304
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,209
...where you stuff a turkey into a burqa.
305
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:16,132
And my favorite festival, guys -
Halal-oween.
306
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,550
Um...
307
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:24,974
Halal-oween is so much fun.
308
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,810
You know,
where Christians and Muslims get together
309
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,104
and dress up as the people who scare them.
310
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,982
So, you know, Hindus.
311
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,569
And then you have common praying
in the chosque.
312
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,738
It's a beautiful thing, common praying.
313
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,656
Our Father who art in Heaven...
314
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,491
Our Father who... Allahu Akbar.
315
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:44,994
Hallowed be thy name...
316
00:20:45,770 --> 00:20:46,245
Yalla be thy name.
317
00:20:47,790 --> 00:20:48,247
Give us this day
318
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,330
our pitta bread.
319
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,834
As we forgive those
320
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,419
who hummus against us.
321
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,300
Hallelu...
322
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:03,387
yalla-a-a-ah!
323
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,939
And then Sonu Nigam wakes up.
324
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,786
Look, if we chill out and talk about
religion, what is a religion?
325
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:30,800
It's a really old comic book.
It's a really old superhero story.
326
00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:32,750
Muslims, Allah is your Batman.
327
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,378
Christians, Jesus is your Superman.
328
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,600
Single-hero comic books.
329
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:40,924
But, Hindus...
330
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:46,305
we created The Avengers, motherfuckers.
That's our shit, right?
331
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,521
Or did you think
I wasn't coming to you, huh?
332
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:57,274
That's all Hinduism is. It's The Avengers.
There's too many guys.
333
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,819
And nobody knows what the story is.
334
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:03,155
And don't eat beef.
335
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,701
No matter what we say,
we don't understand any of it.
336
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:09,703
We just end it with "don't eat beef."
337
00:22:10,371 --> 00:22:12,790
"Don't eat beef" is our "Despacito."
338
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,209
We always come back to that shit
in a circle.
339
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:21,900
And we legit don't eat beef.
We are militant about that shit.
340
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,509
We will eat a human being
before we eat beef.
341
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,595
In 100 years,
India's just gonna be, like,
342
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,932
three leftover Hindus and 27 million cows.
343
00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:44,989
If you remove 80% of the bullshit
in religion,
344
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:46,574
it's just a really cool story.
345
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:47,825
That's all that's left.
346
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:50,494
Like, Hinduism has some amazing stories.
347
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:53,956
Who here has read The Ramayan?
If you've read it, clap your hands, yeah?
348
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:58,430
The rest of you, you have to read it.
349
00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:00,754
It's one of the coolest stories
in the world.
350
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:04,550
So, tonight, because we are
in San Francisco...
351
00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:09,305
with your permission...
352
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:13,170
I would like to take America
through The Ramayan.
353
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:15,936
No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
354
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,187
Shut the fuck up!
355
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:21,525
'Cause if you write a blog
after this shit, I will go to jail.
356
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,680
The law is very clear.
357
00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:26,710
If I distort facts about The Ramayan,
I can go to jail.
358
00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:27,323
So I will not do that.
359
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:31,327
The only thing you will hear coming out
of my mouth is fact.
360
00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:36,457
And the rest of this is a silent bit.
361
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:41,503
So, for the Americans,
let's recap the story of The Ramayan.
362
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,882
Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram.
363
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:48,469
His wife, our lead Goddess,
was a lady by the name of Sita.
364
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:52,306
Ram and Sita lived in the forest together
for how many years?
365
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,389
Fourteen!
366
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:57,853
Fourteen years. For protection,
they took along Ram's brother Laxman.
367
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:02,358
So it was Ram, Laxman and Sita
in the forest together for 14 years.
368
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:06,737
That's a fact.
369
00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:15,287
Americans on board, yeah? Ram, Laxman,
Sita in the forest together for 14 years.
370
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,790
One day, in the middle of the night,
371
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,834
Ram and Laxman were hunting
a golden deer in the forest...
372
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:24,380
with the great bow given to Ram
by Lord Shiva.
373
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:28,759
In the middle of the night,
Sita got abducted by a demon named Ravan.
374
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,344
Sita went missing.
375
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,805
Ram got pissed. Shit got real.
376
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,351
And that's The Ramayan.
377
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,520
Fact!
378
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,857
Fun fact, did you know...
379
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:48,696
that Laxman did not sleep for 14 years
when they were in that forest?
380
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,720
Did you know that shit?
381
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,281
Yes, he stayed awake.
382
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:56,578
Can you imagine how creepy that was
for Sita?
383
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,670
I'm just saying, you wake up
in the middle of the night,
384
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,880
there's a dude like... "Hello!
385
00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,591
Good morning. You're sleeping well?"
386
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:13,512
"Ram, can you get your creepy brother
out of here, please?
387
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,557
You know what?
Go to the forest and get me a deer.
388
00:25:17,990 --> 00:25:19,685
And make it golden because, you know,
Delhi girl... "So, he left.
389
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,942
Now... Pay attention, San Francisco.
390
00:25:27,260 --> 00:25:30,654
In the middle of the forest
they saw a beautiful golden deer. Just...
391
00:25:35,492 --> 00:25:37,770
Ram was like, "Okay, sh...
392
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,872
...I'm gonna shoot the deer."
393
00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:44,100
"Good!"
394
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:00,684
"Ram."
395
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:04,521
"What?"
396
00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:07,191
"Why don't we..."
397
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:23,957
"What?"
398
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,128
"Shiva gave it to me, all right?"
399
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,800
"Shoot the deer."
400
00:26:58,534 --> 00:26:59,660
"I can see you."
401
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,734
"What is this?"
402
00:27:34,270 --> 00:27:35,154
"Shiva gave it to me."
403
00:27:46,373 --> 00:27:48,667
Look, if you remove the bullshit
from religion,
404
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,711
if you lose 80% of your religion,
405
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,588
what's left over is a cool story.
406
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,883
I love cool stories
because of my grandfather.
407
00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:57,593
I called him Baba.
408
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,887
He was the greatest storyteller
I ever met.
409
00:27:59,970 --> 00:28:02,723
I lost him last year.
Saddest day of my life.
410
00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:05,475
The next day,
all we could do was sit around
411
00:28:05,559 --> 00:28:08,812
and tell stories
about how he told cool stories.
412
00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:14,109
This beautiful mix of just grief
and plagiarism, to be honest.
413
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:19,573
And the best thing about his stories were
that they had no relevance
414
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,909
to the conversation
you were trying to have.
415
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:24,203
He just decided to say that shit.
416
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:27,789
My first heartbreak, I was 16 years old.
417
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,959
I ran to him. "Baba, Saba left me.
What do I do?"
418
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,255
He said, "You know, one day I tied
your father to a tree and beat him.
419
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,594
Then I got thirsty, went into the house,
had some pani,
420
00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:42,346
came out, beat him some more."
421
00:28:43,805 --> 00:28:47,100
Which is not the appropriate answer
to my question
422
00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:51,188
or, when you think about it, is
the appropriate answer to every question
423
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:54,334
because at that moment,
you're not thinking about your breakup.
424
00:28:54,358 --> 00:28:56,526
You're just thinking,
"This dude's a badass."
425
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,738
Who hydrates in the middle of child abuse?
426
00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:09,539
My granddad taught me
that 80% of this honesty
427
00:29:09,623 --> 00:29:12,376
that we value so much in each other
is unnecessary.
428
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:16,630
If you can tell beautiful,
truly beautiful lies, guys,
429
00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:20,884
the entire universe will conspire
to make those lies a reality.
430
00:29:21,718 --> 00:29:23,512
I submit to you Harry Potter.
431
00:29:24,972 --> 00:29:28,100
Harry Potter is a lie made up by a lady
in Scotland,
432
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:32,521
but it's a beautiful lie that children
believed, they made it a reality.
433
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:35,357
There are movies, merchandise,
theme parks.
434
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,193
If you go to King's Cross Station
in London,
435
00:29:38,277 --> 00:29:41,780
you will see a pillar
that actually says "Platform..."
436
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:42,948
93/4
437
00:29:43,730 --> 00:29:44,241
"...93/4."
438
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,286
It's actually there and you can watch...
439
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,204
as stupid children...
440
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:54,625
run...
441
00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:57,713
60 feet into bricks...
442
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,883
and fall off stupider
than when they came to the station.
443
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,554
Awesome.
Because they believe a beautiful lie.
444
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,223
Now, before I tell you my next story,
445
00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:10,976
are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen
in the audience?
446
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:17,240
I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars
447
00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:19,568
are incredibly intelligent individuals.
448
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:20,651
Cool?
449
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:24,740
Now, if you apply that percentage
to the total Sikh population of the world,
450
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:25,907
that leaves three.
451
00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:30,871
And those three Sardars are
in my next story.
452
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:32,873
Now, when I was 12 years old...
453
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:37,878
And you said we were cool, man.
454
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:41,923
When I was 12 years old, my best friend
Amandeep got appendicitis.
455
00:30:42,700 --> 00:30:43,800
It was very serious,
his appendix ruptured,
456
00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:46,219
but that was not the beautiful lie
he told me.
457
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:48,602
He said, "Man, one day,
my stomach was hurting.
458
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,517
I told them, ate ice cream for two weeks
and skipped my exams."
459
00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:55,437
And I believed the beautiful lie,
460
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,231
so I waited four months
for my opportunity.
461
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,984
In the middle of class, I raised my hand.
462
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:02,690
"Excuse me, ma'am.
463
00:31:02,778 --> 00:31:06,865
My stomach is hurting.
I believe I have 'accendipitis'."
464
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,372
And my teacher was like,
"I think that boy's gay."
465
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,834
So, now I'm just in the hospital
eating ice cream for two weeks.
466
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:20,587
Every now and then,
a doctor comes and pokes my stomach.
467
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,673
I make a noise
and the doctors believe the beautiful lie.
468
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:26,301
And I am thinking, "More ice cream."
469
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:28,804
Except they are thinking, "Road trip."
470
00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:33,100
So I get driven down to Chandigarh
to Sector 37
471
00:31:33,183 --> 00:31:35,143
to Santokh Singh Nursing Home.
472
00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:37,147
It is Friday night,
three o'clock in the morning.
473
00:31:37,187 --> 00:31:40,524
There are two Sardar doctors
with surgical masks looking down at me,
474
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:43,151
of which one is Dr. Santokh.
475
00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,571
So clearly not a fancy hospital,
476
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,324
more of a cottage industry,
family business setup.
477
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,701
Kind of scary.
478
00:31:51,785 --> 00:31:55,414
Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight
and your pilot was Captain Thansa.
479
00:32:01,860 --> 00:32:03,880
They put a plastic cap on my face.
I hear... "ssssssss"
480
00:32:04,470 --> 00:32:07,500
Which worries me. It's not a Punjabi sound
I'm familiar with.
481
00:32:08,900 --> 00:32:10,637
If the machine went, "prrrrrrrrrrrra,"
I'm on board.
482
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,438
They're like,
"Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?"
483
00:32:20,210 --> 00:32:23,660
Which I do,
and the Sardars are suitably impressed.
484
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,406
And...
485
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:31,491
Fuck, man. All right, uh...
486
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:35,454
And now all three of us are just
awkwardly looking at each other
487
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:38,457
because everybody in the hospital
is still very much awake.
488
00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:41,376
So now the two Sardars have
a conversation.
489
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:43,378
"I, uh, think he's still awake."
490
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:48,490
"Hainji? Really?
491
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,930
What gave it away, huh?
492
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:54,550
Was it the fact that his eyes are open
and he's looking at us right now?"
493
00:32:54,139 --> 00:32:56,308
"Fuck you, Bunty!
Don't give me attitude, all right?"
494
00:32:57,580 --> 00:32:57,934
Shhhhh!
495
00:32:58,590 --> 00:33:01,188
"Uh, Vir, could you sing
the National Anthem?"
496
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:02,938
So, naked...
497
00:33:04,858 --> 00:33:06,485
lying down on a bed, I go...
498
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:10,739
...and pass out.
499
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:13,408
Now, Indians, I know why you're upset.
500
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:15,160
I know what you are thinking.
501
00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:18,788
You are thinking,
"He didn't stand for the National Anthem."
502
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,671
Even Americans are like,
"Could he take a knee?"
503
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:25,712
"No, I couldn't fucking take a knee."
504
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:27,672
I wake up 12 hours later.
505
00:33:27,756 --> 00:33:31,900
Dr. Santok is standing above me
looking very pissed off
506
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:33,803
because he has stopped believing
the beautiful lie.
507
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:38,350
And he says, "Vir, your stomach
was not hurting, was it?"
508
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:40,977
- "It is sore..."
- "Shut up!
509
00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:46,691
We could get into so much trouble...
510
00:33:48,260 --> 00:33:51,279
if people found out
that two Sardar doctors...
511
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,867
could not tell
a 12-year-old was lying to them.
512
00:34:00,380 --> 00:34:02,332
Because when we opened you up,
513
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:05,293
we found a perfectly healthy appendix
in there...
514
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:07,837
so we removed it anyway."
515
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:14,553
And that's the power of a beautiful lie.
516
00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,680
You can give yourself appendicitis.
517
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:21,810
What, you guys don't believe me?
518
00:34:22,811 --> 00:34:23,811
Really?
519
00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:27,148
Who believes me? Raise your hands.
520
00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:33,530
Who doesn't believe me? Raise your hands.
521
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,866
I'm hurt, San Francisco.
522
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:39,743
Legit hurt.
523
00:34:40,829 --> 00:34:44,207
Has anybody here had appendicitis?
If you had appendicitis, raise your hands.
524
00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:47,210
Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar?
How big is it?
525
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:48,920
Is it about that big, yeah?
526
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:50,500
Is it this big?
527
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,130
Oh, shit just got real, huh,
San Francisco, huh?
528
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,348
That's pretty big, right?
529
00:35:00,432 --> 00:35:03,101
That means when they were in there,
they looked around and shit.
530
00:35:04,978 --> 00:35:07,355
There was a normal Punjabi surgery
happening.
531
00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,886
You think the two Sardars had
a conversation?
532
00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,930
"Uh, Bunty, do you see
a perfectly healthy appendix?"
533
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:46,436
"No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled
and it's curving to the left."
534
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:48,605
"Bunty, that's not his appendix."
535
00:35:56,863 --> 00:36:01,368
So now I just lie and everybody
around me is happier for it, I think.
536
00:36:01,785 --> 00:36:03,828
Look how happy you look right now.
537
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:05,997
Maybe it's because half the shit
538
00:36:06,810 --> 00:36:08,375
that I've told you tonight
is a complete lie.
539
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,870
Maybe, I never grew up in Africa.
540
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,631
I never did a world tour.
541
00:36:14,714 --> 00:36:16,883
My granddad isn't even dead.
542
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:20,845
We flew him in for the Netflix special.
543
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,806
"Baba, just stand up and take a bow,
please."
544
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:26,590
Okay, my granddad actually is dead,
but how much fun was that lie?
545
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:27,142
That was fun.
546
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,145
That was fun, guys.
547
00:36:29,229 --> 00:36:30,271
That was fun.
548
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:32,691
So I'm in therapy.
549
00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:38,697
I'm in therapy
because I lost 80% of my mind.
550
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:40,573
It's very freeing.
551
00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:45,578
Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable.
We treat therapy like it's an STD, right?
552
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:48,248
Keep it down. Keep it quiet.
Don't tell anybody.
553
00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:51,552
But there might be a day in your life
when you need to go to therapy,
554
00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:53,294
when you need help, and that's okay.
555
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:55,880
Maybe you have a loss.
556
00:36:55,547 --> 00:36:57,298
Maybe you have a heartbreak.
557
00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,384
Me, I did a movie called Mastizaade.
558
00:37:03,540 --> 00:37:05,181
Now, we're gonna pause the show again,
559
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:09,352
so I can explain to the American people
what Mastizaade is.
560
00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:12,731
Look, Americans...
561
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:18,445
Mastizaade was a really big budget
sex comedy film...
562
00:37:19,112 --> 00:37:20,405
starring me.
563
00:37:21,865 --> 00:37:23,658
And the worst thing about Mastizaade,
564
00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,770
there's no defense
for how bad that movie was.
565
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:29,581
Like, me trying to defend Mastizaade
is like Hitler going,
566
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,416
"Look, some of those Jews were assholes."
567
00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:38,923
And the worst thing about Mastizaade
is that it's on Netflix.
568
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,266
If you type "Vir Das" on Netflix,
569
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,643
you will find Mastizaade
next to this shit.
570
00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:56,775
But when I did Mastizaade, I did something
that every Bollywood actor has done
571
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,276
at some point in his career.
572
00:37:59,110 --> 00:38:00,904
I starred in a shitty movie.
573
00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:01,987
Fair?
574
00:38:02,864 --> 00:38:03,864
Fair?
575
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:08,369
Did I know before I did it
that it was a shitty movie?
576
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:10,329
Yes!
577
00:38:10,580 --> 00:38:12,582
Fuck, yes, I knew it was a shitty movie.
578
00:38:16,336 --> 00:38:19,470
I read the script. It was, "Party, party,
shit, shit, the end."
579
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,174
But I was kind of desperate.
580
00:38:21,257 --> 00:38:25,678
I needed the money and I got to romance
Sunny Leone on screen for two months.
581
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,558
Sunny Leone, one
of the most beautiful women in the world,
582
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,311
and you think... you think
you are going to have cool stories
583
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,730
to tell your children
when they're growing up.
584
00:38:36,898 --> 00:38:40,860
You tell them how you were Employee of
the Month at KPMG or some shit like that.
585
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:47,330
My kids are gonna be running up to me
with iPads, "Papa, this lady?"
586
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:55,959
"I love you, Papa. You're my hero!"
587
00:38:58,461 --> 00:38:59,587
"Get in the Maruti."
588
00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:06,219
She's intelligent. She's talented.
She's beautiful. She's an entrepreneur.
589
00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:10,139
She's down-to-earth, which is why when
the movie came out, nobody got mad at her.
590
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,518
Everybody got mad at... me.
591
00:39:14,936 --> 00:39:18,773
The Times of India is the largest
circulated newspaper in the world.
592
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:21,401
They had a supplement article
with a headline
593
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:24,863
that said,
"Vir Das has committed career suicide.
594
00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,740
That's if he had a career
in the first place."
595
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,953
And then my phone stopped ringing...
596
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:34,956
for five months.
597
00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:37,959
Fucking Vodafone wouldn't call me.
598
00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,552
Once a month, that Airtel girl
would put on a nun's outfit, call me,
599
00:39:47,635 --> 00:39:50,346
and be like, "Shame, shame,"
and put the phone down.
600
00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,350
And that's what I felt.
601
00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,936
I felt intense, crippling shame,
602
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,690
like I had messed up
everything I had built for ten years.
603
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:03,151
Eventually,
all I did was really learn a lesson.
604
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:05,361
Here's the lesson I learned.
605
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:06,446
I learned...
606
00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:11,743
...that your talent belongs to you...
607
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:15,790
and weirdly,
your reputation belongs to other people.
608
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,875
Like, other people will decide
when you are cool, uncool,
609
00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:21,920
finished, relevant, irrelevant,
want a selfie, don't care.
610
00:40:22,300 --> 00:40:24,339
It's none of your business.
Don't think about that shit.
611
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:26,466
It's a disease. You can't control it.
612
00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:29,719
Focus on the talent you have
in front of you and you'll always be okay.
613
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:30,929
That's what I learned.
614
00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:39,562
And I plan to take that suffering
and that bleeding...
615
00:40:40,229 --> 00:40:41,940
and everything I went through...
616
00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:45,526
and put it all into Mastizaade 2,
617
00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:47,700
coming out in October, guys.
618
00:40:47,236 --> 00:40:50,406
It's gonna be on Netflix.
It's gonna be fucking awesome.
619
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,706
You know what I was trying to do
with that movie?
620
00:40:56,746 --> 00:40:59,374
I was trying to get more famous
really fast. That's all it was.
621
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:00,457
And I did.
622
00:41:01,420 --> 00:41:05,880
I got 20% more fame
at the expense of 80% of my credibility.
623
00:41:08,508 --> 00:41:11,678
But we're sold on these Bollywood dreams
when we're in school, right?
624
00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,680
We see Shahrukh Khan on TV.
625
00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:18,601
India's biggest star spreading his arms
and a girl runs towards him.
626
00:41:18,685 --> 00:41:20,937
And you're like,
"Man, I wanna do that some day."
627
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,356
And I did. I lived that dream.
628
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:28,820
And when you do that shit, you discover
that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off.
629
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,406
It's terrifying.
630
00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:33,616
You need balls to pull that off.
631
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:35,994
You know how actors have inner monologues?
632
00:41:36,770 --> 00:41:38,830
That's what you tell yourself.
"I have balls. I have balls.
633
00:41:40,331 --> 00:41:42,410
Big, big balls. Big, big balls."
634
00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:44,836
Come, look at my balls.
635
00:41:47,460 --> 00:41:48,726
Don't believe me?
I'll prove it to you now.
636
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,118
Come on, everybody sing the song.
637
00:41:54,721 --> 00:41:56,721
"I have balls. I have balls.
638
00:41:58,307 --> 00:42:00,101
Big, big balls. Big, big balls."
639
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:18,244
And then you stay there...
640
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:20,329
anticipating...
641
00:42:21,581 --> 00:42:22,581
longing...
642
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:26,794
'cause the girl is running towards you
in slow motion.
643
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,400
D-dshhhh.
644
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:29,922
D-dshhhh.
645
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,966
That's the shit you see. I see...
646
00:42:32,500 --> 00:42:33,551
Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta!
647
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:35,386
They shoot that shit in real time.
648
00:42:35,845 --> 00:42:37,472
Three seconds, she has arrived.
649
00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:41,346
You're like, "Listen, I haven't acted yet.
Could you do another lap, please?"
650
00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:43,227
D-dshhhh.
651
00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:46,814
So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day
just doing athletics.
652
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:51,652
She's got 90 kilos
of embroidery and gold and jewels.
653
00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:55,114
You can see diamonds just flying off her
as she's running.
654
00:42:55,198 --> 00:42:58,451
You see the Queen of England behind her
just picking that shit up.
655
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:13,299
You see Nirav Modi behind that bitch
picking shit up as well.
656
00:43:20,681 --> 00:43:22,100
When you live that dream...
657
00:43:23,590 --> 00:43:24,560
and 80% of that dream is over,
658
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,479
all it does is give you more dreams.
659
00:43:28,189 --> 00:43:31,234
So now I don't know if I want to be
a Bollywood hero anymore.
660
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:33,736
I want to be a superhero.
661
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,949
I'm gonna just put this out there
into the universe.
662
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:40,952
I want to be an Indian superhero
in a Marvel movie.
663
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,166
#MakeVirMarvel
664
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:48,250
All right, uh...
665
00:43:49,544 --> 00:43:51,504
It could happen, right?
Did you see Black Panther?
666
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:53,131
Did you see Black Panther?
667
00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:57,718
Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa,
it made me so happy to see...
668
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:07,353
You know, it just made me happy
to see African voices
669
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:11,440
and African perspectives
and African fashion,
670
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:14,861
packaged together beautifully
to make money for nine white people.
671
00:44:14,944 --> 00:44:16,404
It made me so happy, guys.
672
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,283
Black people, God bless you.
673
00:44:20,366 --> 00:44:21,993
You just got Slumdogged.
674
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:31,586
But my point is they still got
their movie. They got Black Panther.
675
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:33,629
Where is ours? Where is Brown Cow?
676
00:44:39,844 --> 00:44:41,762
Don't you want to see Brown Cow, huh?
677
00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:46,309
You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now.
678
00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:48,519
It's the end of the movie.
Nothing is going well.
679
00:44:48,603 --> 00:44:50,396
All five Avengers are dead.
680
00:44:50,479 --> 00:44:52,440
Thanos is about to kill the world.
681
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,358
The Earth is about to explode.
682
00:44:54,442 --> 00:44:55,860
All of a sudden, you hear...
683
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:04,619
And a big cow comes and sits down
in the center of the movie.
684
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:09,999
And just like Indian traffic,
685
00:45:10,820 --> 00:45:12,835
the entire movie comes to a standstill
around the cow.
686
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:20,900
Thanos tries to kill the cow.
40 BJP supporters surround Thanos.
687
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:25,723
"This is our Mother. This is our God.
This is our Mother. This is our God.
688
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:29,435
This is our Mother. This is our God.
This is our Mother. This is our God."
689
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,357
- The Tesseract falls to the floor.
- They're like...
690
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,445
"This is where the temple will be."
691
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:47,161
Because that is the defining
political question of India for 30 years.
692
00:45:47,245 --> 00:45:49,747
"Build a temple or a mosque?"
693
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:50,665
Fuck that!
694
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:52,500
Make some parathas. Feed them to everyone.
695
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:04,679
I know it seems far-fetched,
but I'm a man.
696
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:07,431
You see this shit? This is all men.
697
00:46:08,266 --> 00:46:11,227
And men are defined
by their unrealistic dreams.
698
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,630
I'm a dreamer, San Francisco.
699
00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:19,260
Like, here's a dream I have.
700
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:25,574
I dream that...
701
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,119
one day...
702
00:46:29,453 --> 00:46:32,123
monkeys will give scientists equal rights.
703
00:46:37,300 --> 00:46:39,672
For too long
we have oppressed scientists...
704
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,384
from their dream of becoming monkeys.
705
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:48,731
Because in those beautiful five seconds
when you fall asleep at night,
706
00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:50,891
when your dreams mesh into your reality...
707
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,353
all a scientist dreams of being...
708
00:46:56,439 --> 00:46:57,439
...is a monkey.
709
00:47:04,739 --> 00:47:06,282
Do you feel me, San Francisco?
710
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:10,493
No?
711
00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:13,538
Are you on board?
712
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:15,915
No?
713
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:21,422
And that's how I feel about feminism.
714
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:33,476
Okay, women, calm the fuck down.
Jesus Christ!
715
00:47:34,101 --> 00:47:36,437
Did you feel the energy shift
in the room, huh?
716
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:40,191
Just the BuzzFeed articles rising
in their bodies. Did you feel that shit?
717
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,196
The dictionary defines feminism
718
00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:48,657
as the advocacy of equal rights
based on the equality of the sexes.
719
00:47:48,741 --> 00:47:51,494
I'm on board with only the first half
of that sentence.
720
00:47:52,161 --> 00:47:53,871
I believe we deserve equal rights.
721
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:56,540
I do not believe in the equality
of the sexes.
722
00:47:56,624 --> 00:48:00,461
I believe that women are beautiful,
intelligent, layered, complex creatures.
723
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:01,921
Men are with them.
724
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:08,928
My definition of feminism is not letting
a woman be whatever a man can be.
725
00:48:09,110 --> 00:48:12,181
It's letting a woman be
whatever a woman wants to be.
726
00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:13,264
To limit...
727
00:48:14,517 --> 00:48:17,561
To limit a woman
to the achievements of a man
728
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:20,856
is to ask a scientist to become a monkey.
729
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:26,779
Feel better, ladies, yeah?
730
00:48:29,156 --> 00:48:32,340
You're so stupid,
you believe anything. All right, uh...
731
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:35,830
No, whoa, whoa! Calm down.
732
00:48:36,956 --> 00:48:38,541
I identify as a feminist.
733
00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,709
If you do, clap your hands, please, yes?
734
00:48:42,962 --> 00:48:46,900
Isn't it a wonderful feeling, guys, huh?
735
00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:49,930
Isn't the best thing about it
that you can identify as a feminist
736
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:52,960
and feel like one
without actually doing anything about it?
737
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,223
You can just feel it...
738
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:56,160
on the inside.
739
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,210
That's Indian feminism.
We identify and fuck off.
740
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:05,985
It's feminism, not the Gymkhana Club.
You don't need a membership card.
741
00:49:07,403 --> 00:49:10,239
If there's one thing
we can learn from racists,
742
00:49:11,310 --> 00:49:12,700
it's less talk, more action.
743
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,537
You don't see racists
identifying as racists,
744
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:20,291
writing blogs about feeling
the racism inside.
745
00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:23,878
No, they just wake up in the morning
and they do racist shit every day,
746
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:25,504
all day long, with commitment,
747
00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:28,480
and look how far their movement has come.
748
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:30,676
They're running your country,
my country, Britain.
749
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:33,220
Well done, racists.
I say, "Well done, racists."
750
00:49:33,596 --> 00:49:34,430
And, no,
751
00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:37,570
you know the best thing about racism?
Anybody can be a racist.
752
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:39,643
They let you in,
irrespective of, like, your income group,
753
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,812
your sexual preference, your nationality.
754
00:49:41,896 --> 00:49:44,565
Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys.
755
00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:49,528
With this whole feminism bit, ladies,
I'm not trying to pander to you.
756
00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:52,948
I'm not trying to tell you what you need
to hear because guess what? I'm a man.
757
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,409
I don't know, we haven't shut the fuck up
long enough
758
00:49:55,493 --> 00:49:58,780
to know what you want to hear, all right?
All right?
759
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:03,751
So, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't know how to be a feminist.
760
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,879
I spoke to one and she said,
"If you want to be a good feminist,
761
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:08,881
forget how you treat women,
762
00:50:08,964 --> 00:50:11,509
begin with how you view yourself as a man
763
00:50:11,592 --> 00:50:14,428
because 80% of masculinity is bullshit."
764
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:18,140
And you think about that...
765
00:50:20,684 --> 00:50:23,437
Like, aren't you tired of being a man?
766
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,401
Can't we just be male?
767
00:50:30,319 --> 00:50:32,696
Because being a man is fucking exhausting.
768
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:35,908
And it affects the way
you treat other people. Like,
769
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:37,785
why do we have to show strength every day?
770
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,788
Men have to show strength all the time
in physical activities.
771
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:43,290
Like you, buddy.
Come here, shake my hand, please.
772
00:50:43,374 --> 00:50:46,669
If you can. Thank you so much.
Why do I squeeze his hand so hard?
773
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:50,756
Why are men expected to do this?
Does this achieve anything?
774
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:54,260
Yeah, what do I think? Toothpaste is going
to come out of your ears?
775
00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:58,597
Is this powerful? No.
776
00:50:58,681 --> 00:51:01,892
You know what I like to do?
I take a man's hand and I kiss it.
777
00:51:07,220 --> 00:51:09,775
And then I watch as his life falls apart
in front of me.
778
00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:16,574
As he quickly checks to see if there's
any movement in his underwear whatsoever.
779
00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:23,800
Why do men have to defend women
like they're objects?
780
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:25,207
I'm sorry. I don't defend my wife anymore.
781
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:26,667
If somebody insults my wife,
782
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:30,212
I inform them that their insult
could have been more accurate.
783
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,176
Oh, you think she looks slutty now?
You should have seen her in 2014.
784
00:51:37,845 --> 00:51:40,347
That was her thigh-high boots year.
785
00:51:40,848 --> 00:51:43,976
Speaking of which, why are men
so obsessed with wardrobe?
786
00:51:44,590 --> 00:51:47,896
Not ours, yours. You think
women care about what women wear?
787
00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:49,857
No, we care about what women wear.
788
00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:52,818
We look at your wardrobe
like it's the Rosetta Stone,
789
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:54,987
just looking for hidden messages
in that shit.
790
00:51:55,613 --> 00:51:58,157
Every time a woman in India wears
something revealing,
791
00:51:58,240 --> 00:51:59,825
like many of you are doing tonight,
792
00:51:59,908 --> 00:52:03,829
Indian men say shit like,
"Oh, she's asking for it."
793
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,207
Am I wrong, ladies?
Have you heard that in your lives, yeah?
794
00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:11,462
Our politicians have said that shit
on the news.
795
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:13,422
"She was asking for it."
796
00:52:14,340 --> 00:52:15,799
Which is bullshit.
797
00:52:16,550 --> 00:52:21,680
The infinite beauty and fun
of being a woman
798
00:52:21,764 --> 00:52:23,432
is if she's asking for it?
799
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:25,809
She can just ask for it.
800
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,697
Because it is available, I promise you.
801
00:52:41,325 --> 00:52:44,453
She can just think of it and 20 "its"
will line up outside her door.
802
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,789
For a woman, the world is Amazon.in.
803
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,666
You can ask for it, compare it,
size of it,
804
00:52:48,749 --> 00:52:50,584
deliver it, Prime it, non-Prime it.
805
00:52:51,502 --> 00:52:53,379
Cash on delivery, whatever you like.
806
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:57,758
That's the beauty of being a woman.
It's so specific.
807
00:52:57,841 --> 00:52:59,930
You get to ask for it.
808
00:52:59,385 --> 00:53:00,385
It!
809
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:02,805
Men, we just want to get some.
810
00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:15,150
But nobody's looking for hidden messages
in men's clothing, are they?
811
00:53:15,234 --> 00:53:17,861
I could wear a T-shirt
that said, "Fuck me in the ass."
812
00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:20,781
I give you full permission
to fuck me in the ass
813
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,866
and nobody would do anything about that.
814
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,370
They'd just be like,
"Well, that's a cool souvenir."
815
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:31,542
Yet, men have the freedom to wear
whatever we want... within limits.
816
00:53:32,376 --> 00:53:34,920
You know, you can't just
drape two bed sheets around yourself
817
00:53:35,300 --> 00:53:36,797
and run an investment bank.
818
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:40,800
But you can run Uttar Pradesh.
819
00:53:52,200 --> 00:53:55,649
So, how do we get women the freedom
to wear whatever women want to wear?
820
00:53:56,275 --> 00:53:58,736
I'm proposing humbly a two-week course
in school
821
00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:00,404
where all children cross-dress.
822
00:54:01,447 --> 00:54:03,991
All boys wear girls' clothing,
every single item,
823
00:54:04,740 --> 00:54:07,411
all girls wear boys' clothing,
every single item,
824
00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:10,289
so that the right dots connect
in your mind as an adult.
825
00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:13,292
So, the next time you Indian boys,
you go out to a club
826
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:16,170
and you see a beautiful girl
walking towards you,
827
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,213
just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels...
828
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:26,180
...your first thought as an Indian male
is, "Her feet must be tired, man.
829
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:36,439
Five-inch.
830
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:41,445
Her under-boob must be so sore
with the wire all tight jammed in there."
831
00:54:42,571 --> 00:54:46,158
Most guys aren't laughing 'cause you don't
know there's a wire in the under-boob.
832
00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:51,622
You just thought there was 300 bucks
in there for a rainy day, right?
833
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:55,918
That's how Indian aunties go shopping
like ninjas.
834
00:54:56,840 --> 00:54:58,860
Hatsa-hatsa-hatsa!
835
00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:02,341
They pay from this one
and put the change in that one.
836
00:55:02,466 --> 00:55:04,384
It's debit, credit.
837
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,352
I don't know, that's just my opinion.
838
00:55:13,435 --> 00:55:15,354
Ladies, it's more valuable than yours.
839
00:55:18,941 --> 00:55:22,194
I come from India. We don't even want you
to cultivate an opinion.
840
00:55:22,820 --> 00:55:25,697
We oppress the Indian girl child
by keeping her out of school.
841
00:55:25,781 --> 00:55:27,741
Are you familiar with this problem, yeah?
842
00:55:28,534 --> 00:55:33,956
Man, I think every single school in India
should adopt disco nightclub policy.
843
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:36,458
Couple entry only.
844
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:43,173
If you are enrolling a boy,
somebody has to enroll a girl.
845
00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:44,800
There are problems with this strategy.
846
00:55:44,883 --> 00:55:49,304
India has 72 million uneducated Indian men
left over if you do this.
847
00:55:49,388 --> 00:55:50,848
What do you do with these fuckers?
848
00:55:51,849 --> 00:55:53,517
I'm proposing a new armed force.
849
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,229
Like America has the First Response,
call these guys the Worst Response.
850
00:55:58,897 --> 00:56:01,275
So every time India is at war
with a country,
851
00:56:01,358 --> 00:56:04,903
you send these Indian men in
and tell them to just exist.
852
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,615
"Go to that country and exist."
853
00:56:09,116 --> 00:56:12,160
Within one month, they'll be shitting
on monuments, spitting in public,
854
00:56:12,244 --> 00:56:15,163
starting illegal businesses,
immigration rackets.
855
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:20,377
Just distracting the opponent,
then the army goes in there and kicks ass.
856
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:24,315
Before you send in the troops, you send in
the choots, ladies and gentlemen.
857
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:25,340
That's my strategy.
858
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:30,762
Mission accomplished.
859
00:56:31,847 --> 00:56:33,560
Mission...
860
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:35,580
...accomplished.
861
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,610
And that's a question I have about men.
862
00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:40,772
When 99% of men are failures,
863
00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:43,817
why are we so obsessed with the idea
of accomplishment?
864
00:56:44,776 --> 00:56:46,111
The idea of success?
865
00:56:47,446 --> 00:56:49,781
If a man got up on a stage
and told people
866
00:56:49,865 --> 00:56:54,202
that in the last two years, he had lost
his fame, his fortune, his patriotism,
867
00:56:54,286 --> 00:56:57,122
his nationality, his religion,
his credibility,
868
00:56:57,205 --> 00:56:59,166
his masculinity and his mind,
869
00:57:00,830 --> 00:57:01,460
is he even a man?
870
00:57:03,462 --> 00:57:05,130
Or is he just 20% of one?
871
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:10,468
I don't know.
872
00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:13,221
I'm just here for the beef.
873
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:32,157
A human being needs nine to ten ounces
of beef every 15 years to stay healthy.
874
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,159
A fucking doctor told me that shit.
875
00:57:36,780 --> 00:57:38,246
We ain't done yet, San Francisco.
876
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,250
Do you want to know
what my job was in 2002?
877
00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:44,860
Yeah!
878
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,400
I was a dishwasher in Chicago.
879
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:49,758
Now... No, no, no. Indians, don't get sad
and sentimental. Fuck you!
880
00:57:51,930 --> 00:57:52,970
The minute you mention
any other profession
881
00:57:53,530 --> 00:57:55,550
apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer,
882
00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:57,474
Indians are like, "See, he struggled.
He struggled."
883
00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:01,603
I did not struggle.
This is not an inspirational story.
884
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:05,399
Being a dishwasher in America
is fantastic.
885
00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:09,861
You get head gear, mouth gear,
rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents.
886
00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:11,863
We give less equipment to a surgeon...
887
00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:16,201
...at Santokh Singh Nursing Home.
888
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:25,419
When you're a dishwasher,
889
00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:28,505
you spend most of your day
watching food leave the kitchen.
890
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:33,552
The one thing I always loved to watch
was a beautiful piece of beef, ten ounces.
891
00:58:34,469 --> 00:58:35,595
The filet mignon.
892
00:58:36,847 --> 00:58:38,849
I'm sorry, Indians, "filet migg-non".
893
00:58:42,728 --> 00:58:44,354
And sometimes that piece of meat
894
00:58:44,438 --> 00:58:46,732
would come back unfinished,
a few bites left,
895
00:58:46,815 --> 00:58:48,984
and it just... God, it bred this...
896
00:58:49,670 --> 00:58:51,486
...this darkness,
this resentment inside of me.
897
00:58:52,487 --> 00:58:55,449
I said, "Look at these fucking Americans
wasting their beef!
898
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:57,199
How dare you?
899
00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:02,372
You know, one day I will go back to India
and there I can eat all the beef I want."
900
00:59:09,838 --> 00:59:12,591
But you have to understand.
This was a $29 steak.
901
00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:13,717
To me back then,
902
00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:18,597
spending 29 bucks on beef represented
everything in the world I didn't have.
903
00:59:19,306 --> 00:59:23,935
You know, peace of mind, success,
the ability to kill a god.
904
00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:32,903
And so as a treat for myself,
I'd been saving up for that steak dinner,
905
00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:36,156
and I had the money,
and just before I could eat it,
906
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:38,617
the American government took
my dream away.
907
00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:42,871
They didn't ban beef. My visa expired.
I had to leave.
908
00:59:44,956 --> 00:59:45,956
You'll find out.
909
00:59:47,918 --> 00:59:48,918
Um...
910
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:59,679
And like I said, I didn't think about
that beef for 15 years until last month.
911
01:00:00,138 --> 01:00:02,557
True story.
Last month, I went back to my college,
912
01:00:02,641 --> 01:00:04,518
Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois.
913
01:00:04,643 --> 01:00:08,396
Uh, I was their commencement speaker.
I got given an honorary doctorate.
914
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:09,605
Um...
915
01:00:14,270 --> 01:00:15,904
I'm Dr. Das now.
916
01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:20,158
And you did well in your board exams.
917
01:00:30,335 --> 01:00:33,380
But much better than receiving my degree
for saving lives...
918
01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:39,520
what felt a lot better
was the meal I had after.
919
01:00:39,803 --> 01:00:41,763
Because after that, after 15 years,
920
01:00:41,847 --> 01:00:45,934
I walked into the Grand Lux Cafe
on Michigan Avenue in Chicago
921
01:00:46,170 --> 01:00:48,186
where I washed dishes for two years
922
01:00:48,270 --> 01:00:52,607
and I ordered the filet mignon
and I finished every bite of that steak.
923
01:00:55,443 --> 01:00:56,570
Kind of.
924
01:00:57,654 --> 01:01:00,824
This is not an inspirational story.
Keep your shit together.
925
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,870
I've had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life.
926
01:01:05,287 --> 01:01:06,454
Don't tell the BJP.
927
01:01:09,624 --> 01:01:10,624
And that steak...
928
01:01:12,919 --> 01:01:14,296
was the most...
929
01:01:16,298 --> 01:01:20,594
average steak I have ever eaten
in my life.
930
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:22,530
It was a shitty steak.
931
01:01:22,554 --> 01:01:24,347
I don't know what I thought would happen.
932
01:01:24,431 --> 01:01:28,180
That I'd take one bite and the lighting
in the restaurant would change,
933
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:30,395
and music would begin to play
934
01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:33,230
and all the waiters would start
a slow clap
935
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:35,609
and they'd come and put
their forks and knives on my table
936
01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:38,280
like the faculty from A Beautiful Mind?
937
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:40,697
And two children would stand up on chairs
and salute me
938
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,741
and be like, "My captain, beef captain?"
939
01:01:42,908 --> 01:01:44,701
But none of that shit happened.
940
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,205
In reality, I just sat there
and I did something
941
01:01:48,288 --> 01:01:50,665
that I haven't had time to do
in three years.
942
01:01:50,749 --> 01:01:52,959
I just... thought about shit.
943
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:58,340
And I thought about how many Hindus
this story is going to piss off.
944
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:01,343
There's gonna be some Tweets.
945
01:02:02,260 --> 01:02:04,971
Or maybe they don't care
as long as it's not a brown cow.
946
01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:08,557
I thought...
947
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:13,939
about how eating an average piece of beef
still felt better
948
01:02:14,220 --> 01:02:15,649
than shooting an average movie.
949
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:21,196
I thought about how this might be a story
my grandfather Baba would tell.
950
01:02:21,863 --> 01:02:24,574
"Huh, we used to wait 15 years
for one piece of beef."
951
01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:29,746
And then I thought I should stop eating
this because this is a shit steak.
952
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,165
And my stomach will hurt for real soon.
953
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:34,542
Then my waitress came over
954
01:02:34,626 --> 01:02:37,837
and I noticed her looking at
my unfinished piece of beef.
955
01:02:39,547 --> 01:02:40,966
She said, "Are you all set?"
956
01:02:42,842 --> 01:02:45,136
"Yeah. I'm done."
957
01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:47,722
"So you're finished?"
958
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:52,476
"No."
959
01:02:55,630 --> 01:03:00,151
And then I did the most un-Indian thing
I might have ever done.
960
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:02,570
I tipped...
961
01:03:06,783 --> 01:03:07,783
...well.
962
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:11,621
My check was $42.
963
01:03:11,705 --> 01:03:15,250
I left my waitress a $350 tip
with a note...
964
01:03:15,667 --> 01:03:19,462
that said, "Look, I know where you are
right now because I've been here too.
965
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:22,299
But you won't always be here,
I promise you.
966
01:03:22,382 --> 01:03:24,718
Just know that." Smiley face.
967
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:28,555
Which is a pretty sweet thing to say.
Can we agree on that, yeah?
968
01:03:29,306 --> 01:03:30,724
Like, that's the lesson I learned.
969
01:03:30,807 --> 01:03:32,183
If you want to feel good again,
970
01:03:32,267 --> 01:03:34,185
stop constructing good things
for yourself.
971
01:03:34,269 --> 01:03:37,230
Just say good shit to other people
and you'll feel amazing.
972
01:03:37,605 --> 01:03:40,191
And if you're gonna say good shit
to other people,
973
01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:42,944
make damn sure that you say it...
974
01:03:43,862 --> 01:03:44,988
out loud.
975
01:03:45,947 --> 01:03:48,658
Because if you write it down
on a piece of paper...
976
01:03:50,952 --> 01:03:52,329
in block letters...
977
01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:00,795
"I know where you are right now...
978
01:04:05,133 --> 01:04:06,926
...because I've been here too.
979
01:04:10,472 --> 01:04:12,682
But you won't always be here...
980
01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:16,311
I promise you.
981
01:04:17,604 --> 01:04:19,481
Just know that."
982
01:04:20,230 --> 01:04:22,233
Smiley face.
983
01:04:31,117 --> 01:04:32,744
She probably ran into the kitchen like,
984
01:04:32,827 --> 01:04:35,288
"This Indian guy wants to fuck me
for 350 bucks!
985
01:04:36,164 --> 01:04:37,457
What the hell do I do?"
986
01:04:38,249 --> 01:04:40,543
So I panic and I run out
of this restaurant,
987
01:04:41,169 --> 01:04:43,671
and I see that the waitress
is running after me.
988
01:04:44,500 --> 01:04:48,468
And she stops me and she's like,
"Wait, you left me a $350 tip."
989
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,304
And I tell her the two-minute version
990
01:04:51,388 --> 01:04:53,848
of what it just took me an hour
to tell you guys.
991
01:04:55,160 --> 01:04:57,185
She's like, "Wow, that's a crazy story.
992
01:04:58,645 --> 01:05:01,220
I just thought you miscalculated the tip."
993
01:05:05,680 --> 01:05:07,987
But it seemed unlikely
because, you know, Indian people...
994
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:12,242
you're, like, so smart."
995
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,440
Good night.
Thank you so much, San Francisco.
77955
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