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1
00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:05,800
The Charmichael Show is taped infront of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,796 --> 00:00:07,756
Oh, hey, honey.
Hey. Oh.
3
00:00:07,798 --> 00:00:09,468
Cashews.
4
00:00:09,508 --> 00:00:11,258
The caviar of nuts.
5
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:12,852
Ah‐ah‐ah.
6
00:00:12,928 --> 00:00:16,138
The cashews are for when Bobby's
new girlfriend gets here.
7
00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:18,141
We don't want this girl
dumping Bobby
8
00:00:18,183 --> 00:00:22,233
because his parents
didn't serve quality nuts.
9
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:24,233
But I'm starving.
10
00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,895
Well, eat these
saltines, baby.
11
00:00:25,983 --> 00:00:27,613
Saltines?
Mm‐hmm.
12
00:00:27,651 --> 00:00:30,901
These are what you
serve pigeons and ducks.
13
00:00:30,988 --> 00:00:35,408
This is food you're supposed
to eat off the ground.
14
00:00:35,492 --> 00:00:37,452
Hey, y'all.
Hey, guys.
15
00:00:37,494 --> 00:00:39,914
Oh, y'all got cashews? You know,
those are the caviar of nuts.
16
00:00:39,997 --> 00:00:42,497
Nobody is getting
any cashews
17
00:00:42,541 --> 00:00:44,461
until Bobby's new girlfriend
gets here.
18
00:00:44,501 --> 00:00:47,461
You know, I never actually
saw cashews as that fancy.
19
00:00:47,504 --> 00:00:50,224
I always considered the fanciest
nut to be the pistachio.
20
00:00:50,299 --> 00:00:52,509
Hmm.
21
00:00:52,551 --> 00:00:54,931
Speaking of
amazing, fancy things,
22
00:00:55,012 --> 00:00:56,722
we have something
to show you.
23
00:00:56,805 --> 00:00:58,345
Since we got married
24
00:00:58,390 --> 00:01:00,310
without me getting Maxine
an engagement ring‐‐
25
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:01,560
look: I went all out.
26
00:01:01,643 --> 00:01:02,773
Oh.
27
00:01:02,853 --> 00:01:04,863
Maxine, why is
your diamond red?
28
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,857
Is it stained?
29
00:01:06,899 --> 00:01:09,359
It's not a diamond,
it's a ruby.
30
00:01:09,401 --> 00:01:11,611
A ruby?
Mm‐hmm.
31
00:01:11,695 --> 00:01:13,275
Why would you buy something
that tells everyone
32
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:14,664
you can't afford a diamond?
33
00:01:14,698 --> 00:01:17,788
Rubies are actually more
expensive than diamonds.
34
00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:20,948
Really? 'Cause it looks
like a Ring Pop.
35
00:01:21,038 --> 00:01:24,498
Cynthia, the diamond trade
is vicious and destructive.
36
00:01:24,541 --> 00:01:26,171
So if you see a diamond
on a ring,
37
00:01:26,210 --> 00:01:28,380
that means somebody in Africa
died to get that.
38
00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:30,590
Oh. Well, if the ring
is in the store,
39
00:01:30,672 --> 00:01:34,842
then whoever got the diamond
is already dead.
40
00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:37,715
So you're saying
you want these Africans
41
00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:39,683
to have died for nothing?
42
00:01:40,641 --> 00:01:42,431
JOE:
Yeah, Maxine.
43
00:01:42,518 --> 00:01:43,768
You're always telling us
to recycle,
44
00:01:43,852 --> 00:01:46,862
and here you're wasting
dead Africans.
45
00:01:46,897 --> 00:01:48,767
Don't worry.
46
00:01:48,857 --> 00:01:51,937
I'm sure somebody somewhere
died for this ruby, too.
47
00:01:52,027 --> 00:01:53,527
So, look.
Did Bobby tell you anything
48
00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:55,240
about this new girl of his?
49
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,530
Uh‐uh.
Nothing. Just
that she's great.
50
00:01:57,574 --> 00:01:59,794
Okay. So let me
get this straight.
51
00:01:59,868 --> 00:02:04,538
There's a great girl
that's interested in our Bobby?
52
00:02:04,623 --> 00:02:08,543
This is very suspicious.
53
00:02:08,585 --> 00:02:12,205
So what y'all thinking?
Albino, alopecia, or just slow?
54
00:02:12,256 --> 00:02:13,966
Oh, look.
They're here.
55
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:16,549
I don't care how pale,
bald or dumb she is,
56
00:02:16,593 --> 00:02:18,723
you know, Bobby has been
struggling lately,
57
00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:20,972
and we just need
to give him some support.
58
00:02:21,056 --> 00:02:22,556
Come on, Joe, get up.
59
00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:23,889
Oh. What up, y'all?
60
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:25,944
This is my girlfriend, Janet.
61
00:02:25,978 --> 00:02:28,398
Hey, everyone.
62
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,729
Oh.
63
00:02:29,773 --> 00:02:32,483
Hey, hey, Janet.
Hi, Janet.
64
00:02:32,568 --> 00:02:33,988
I am so sorry.
65
00:02:34,069 --> 00:02:35,609
I hate to be rude,
66
00:02:35,654 --> 00:02:37,534
but I got a call
on the way here,
67
00:02:37,614 --> 00:02:39,914
and I have to head
back to my office.
68
00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:41,700
I still wanted
to say hello,
69
00:02:41,785 --> 00:02:44,905
and offer this
as an apology.
70
00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:46,997
Oh.
My favorite burgundy.
71
00:02:47,082 --> 00:02:50,752
Oh. Thank you, ma'am.
72
00:02:54,256 --> 00:02:56,256
I hope we can
reschedule soon,
73
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,840
because I've been
looking forward to this.
74
00:02:58,927 --> 00:03:00,717
Well, anyway,
75
00:03:00,804 --> 00:03:03,354
so nice to meet you.
76
00:03:03,432 --> 00:03:06,312
Bye, baby.
77
00:03:27,497 --> 00:03:28,957
So she's great, right?
78
00:03:28,999 --> 00:03:32,039
Bobby, that woman
is old as hell.
79
00:03:33,670 --> 00:03:35,800
♪ ♪
80
00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:56,862
Bobby, you are dating
a senior citizen.
81
00:03:56,860 --> 00:03:59,780
Bobby, Bobby,
Bobby, Bobby, why?
82
00:03:59,863 --> 00:04:02,033
Are you doing this
for her OxyContin?
83
00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:04,744
You know you can get that out
on the street now.
84
00:04:04,826 --> 00:04:06,156
No. I'm in love with her.
85
00:04:06,203 --> 00:04:09,793
After three weeks?
86
00:04:09,873 --> 00:04:11,463
Well, I guess you got to
move things along quickly
87
00:04:11,541 --> 00:04:14,541
when you don't know
how much time you got left.
88
00:04:14,586 --> 00:04:18,716
Oh, come on. Janet seemed like
a lovely... wise woman.
89
00:04:18,757 --> 00:04:21,467
What happened to supporting
Bobby's girlfriend
90
00:04:21,551 --> 00:04:22,891
no matter what?
91
00:04:22,928 --> 00:04:25,758
I said support pale,
dumb or bald.
92
00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:28,097
I didn't say nothing
about dusty.
93
00:04:30,894 --> 00:04:32,604
Well, in Bobby's defense,
94
00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:34,818
she looked really good
for an older lady.
95
00:04:34,898 --> 00:04:37,028
And there's no way Bobby
could have gotten a woman
96
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,067
that looked like that
while she was in her 30s
97
00:04:39,111 --> 00:04:41,451
or 40s or even 50s.
98
00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:43,410
Uh, she's at a markdown now.
99
00:04:43,448 --> 00:04:45,578
I‐It's like buying
a dented can for half off.
100
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:49,746
Look, me and Janet
have a great relationship.
101
00:04:49,788 --> 00:04:51,458
We have meaningful
conversations,
102
00:04:51,498 --> 00:04:52,708
she laughs
at all my jokes.
103
00:04:52,749 --> 00:04:54,079
That sounds awesome.
104
00:04:54,126 --> 00:04:56,626
It sounds like a very
mature relationship.
105
00:04:56,712 --> 00:04:58,552
Maxine, you can't talk about her
106
00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:02,009
without using words like
"mature" and "wise."
107
00:05:02,092 --> 00:05:05,642
This woman is a gargoyle
and you know it.
108
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:11,599
Oh, Lord, I have been
too good of a mother.
109
00:05:11,643 --> 00:05:14,063
I have single‐handedly
110
00:05:14,104 --> 00:05:16,984
pampered you into a fetish.
111
00:05:17,065 --> 00:05:19,815
Bobby, you're a healthy,
strapping young man.
112
00:05:19,901 --> 00:05:22,781
And this woman is an old,
broke‐down lady.
113
00:05:22,821 --> 00:05:24,451
She‐she‐she's wore out
114
00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:26,069
from years of
wear and tear.
115
00:05:26,116 --> 00:05:27,986
She's like a,
like a old truck
116
00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:30,286
that's been left out in the
middle of the desert somewhere.
117
00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:31,999
The roof is flapping.
118
00:05:32,039 --> 00:05:33,749
The windows are
all broke out.
119
00:05:33,790 --> 00:05:35,170
Tire's flat.
120
00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:37,090
She got Bondo on more
than half of her body.
121
00:05:37,127 --> 00:05:39,047
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, Dad.
122
00:05:39,129 --> 00:05:40,959
That's my girlfriend
you're talking about.
123
00:05:41,006 --> 00:05:42,836
You guys are blowing this
way out of proportion.
124
00:05:42,924 --> 00:05:44,184
Sometimes you just meet
the right person
125
00:05:44,259 --> 00:05:45,589
and the age doesn't matter.
126
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,136
Love is love.
127
00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:49,179
No, it is not.
I want grandbabies.
128
00:05:49,264 --> 00:05:52,684
And that woman could not
possibly create a child.
129
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:54,648
And don't tell me
they're gonna be doing
130
00:05:54,686 --> 00:05:56,186
that surrogate mother thing,
131
00:05:56,271 --> 00:05:58,071
because I don't want
my grandbabies
132
00:05:58,148 --> 00:06:00,108
being a science experiment.
133
00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:03,530
I refuse to grandmother
a cyborg.
134
00:06:05,822 --> 00:06:07,782
Again, you guys,
I told you.
135
00:06:07,824 --> 00:06:10,744
If you just Google things,
you'd be way more informed
136
00:06:10,827 --> 00:06:12,697
on how things work.
137
00:06:14,039 --> 00:06:15,829
This is such
a double standard.
138
00:06:15,874 --> 00:06:17,544
When an older man
dates a younger woman,
139
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:19,746
no one thinks twice,
but when Madonna kissed Drake,
140
00:06:19,836 --> 00:06:22,956
everyone was grossed out,
including Drake.
141
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,760
Wait a minute.
142
00:06:25,842 --> 00:06:27,262
Bobby, is that a Rolex?
143
00:06:27,344 --> 00:06:29,224
(chuckles)
Yes, it is.
144
00:06:29,304 --> 00:06:30,814
Where'd you get that?
145
00:06:30,847 --> 00:06:32,217
Janet bought it for me.
146
00:06:32,307 --> 00:06:33,977
Well, she can
afford a Rolex?
147
00:06:34,017 --> 00:06:35,977
Yep. She manages
a hedge fund.
148
00:06:36,019 --> 00:06:38,269
Wait. She's rich?
149
00:06:38,355 --> 00:06:39,855
Now it all makes sense.
150
00:06:39,898 --> 00:06:42,528
Bobby, you're just
a gold digger.
151
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,187
Bobby, why didn't you tell us
152
00:06:44,236 --> 00:06:46,986
that you were dating her
'cause she got money?
153
00:06:47,030 --> 00:06:50,240
We never would have talked
about you like that.
154
00:06:50,325 --> 00:06:54,285
Son, you better ride this
till the wheels fall off.
155
00:06:54,371 --> 00:06:55,961
Look, everybody.
156
00:06:56,039 --> 00:06:57,749
I am not a gold digger.
Bobby.
157
00:06:57,833 --> 00:07:00,793
You are dating some elderly
tycoon who buys you jewelry.
158
00:07:00,877 --> 00:07:03,547
You're basically
Anna Nicole Smith.
159
00:07:03,588 --> 00:07:05,048
Oh, come on.
Bobby just told us
160
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,680
over and over
how much he loves her.
161
00:07:06,716 --> 00:07:08,006
Just because she has
more money than him
162
00:07:08,051 --> 00:07:09,721
doesn't make him a gold digger.
163
00:07:09,761 --> 00:07:11,301
Yes, that's right. Look,
we agreed to go on a date
164
00:07:11,388 --> 00:07:12,888
before I even
knew she was rich.
165
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,721
Well, I don't
care what you say.
166
00:07:14,766 --> 00:07:17,596
Bobby, this is the best thing
that ever happened to us.
167
00:07:17,686 --> 00:07:19,646
And as your father,
168
00:07:19,729 --> 00:07:22,069
I must insist
that you marry
169
00:07:22,107 --> 00:07:24,227
this kindly,
elderly lady.
170
00:07:24,276 --> 00:07:26,026
Oh, Lord.
171
00:07:26,069 --> 00:07:28,279
Now I'm confused. I'm torn.
172
00:07:28,363 --> 00:07:31,073
On one hand,
she's a barren old ghoul,
173
00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:33,536
but on the other,
she could have enough money
174
00:07:33,577 --> 00:07:36,617
to buy herself
a new uterus.
175
00:07:37,956 --> 00:07:39,616
That's the spirit, Cynthia.
176
00:07:39,708 --> 00:07:43,338
This old ghoul is about
to be our daughter‐in‐law.
177
00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:45,090
Bobby,
just admit it, man.
178
00:07:45,130 --> 00:07:47,840
You're not dating this woman,
you're dating this watch.
179
00:07:47,924 --> 00:07:49,684
Ah, come on, Jerrod.
180
00:07:49,759 --> 00:07:52,259
You're just jealous 'cause
you wanted a Rolex first
181
00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:54,064
and Bobby beat you to it.
182
00:07:54,097 --> 00:07:55,307
No, no.
183
00:07:55,390 --> 00:07:56,930
What are you talking about?
184
00:07:56,975 --> 00:07:58,805
That's ridiculous,
I'm not jealous.
185
00:07:58,894 --> 00:08:00,734
Besides, that
watch looks stupid
186
00:08:00,770 --> 00:08:05,030
on your big,
black, dumb wrist.
187
00:08:05,108 --> 00:08:06,988
CYNTHIA:
Jerrod.
188
00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:08,318
You are jealous.
189
00:08:08,403 --> 00:08:11,283
You couldn't even buy
Maxine a diamond ring.
190
00:08:11,323 --> 00:08:13,993
She's sitting over there
wearing a mood ring.
191
00:08:18,163 --> 00:08:20,793
It's a ruby.
192
00:08:20,832 --> 00:08:22,422
Hey, look. That
ruby turning red.
193
00:08:22,459 --> 00:08:24,129
She must be mad.
194
00:08:24,169 --> 00:08:25,379
No, no.
195
00:08:25,462 --> 00:08:26,712
Stop it, Joe.
196
00:08:26,796 --> 00:08:29,086
Okay, all right,
okay. Bobby.
197
00:08:29,132 --> 00:08:31,302
Look, there is no way
she sees you as an equal.
198
00:08:31,343 --> 00:08:33,433
I know Janet said
that Rolex was a gift,
199
00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:35,890
but she owns you
with that watch now.
200
00:08:35,972 --> 00:08:38,272
It's basically
a dog collar around your
201
00:08:38,308 --> 00:08:40,938
big, black, dumb,
sweaty wrist.
202
00:08:40,977 --> 00:08:42,307
Look, look, my wrist
is normal, okay?
203
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:43,694
MAXINE:
All right.
204
00:08:43,772 --> 00:08:45,112
Don't listen
to your brother, Bobby.
205
00:08:45,148 --> 00:08:46,938
He just bought me
this beautiful ring,
206
00:08:46,983 --> 00:08:48,743
and I don't
owe him anything.
207
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,949
Uh...
208
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,162
Are you serious
right now?
209
00:08:53,198 --> 00:08:54,448
Well, now, I'm just saying
210
00:08:54,491 --> 00:08:56,411
that ring was really
expensive, Maxine.
211
00:08:56,493 --> 00:08:57,953
It would be very unreasonable
212
00:08:57,994 --> 00:08:59,414
for you to get mad at me
about anything
213
00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:00,996
for the next three months.
214
00:09:03,166 --> 00:09:04,326
Hey, everybody.
Sorry, I'm late.
215
00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:05,786
Nekeisha.
Hey.
216
00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:06,996
Where's Janet?
217
00:09:07,045 --> 00:09:08,295
She had to head back to work.
218
00:09:08,338 --> 00:09:09,918
Do you know this Janet lady?
219
00:09:10,006 --> 00:09:12,176
Yeah. She cool.
Small world, too.
220
00:09:12,217 --> 00:09:14,467
She went to high school
with my grandma.
221
00:09:14,511 --> 00:09:17,851
Nekeisha, will you
please tell Bobby
222
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:20,099
to stop being a gold digger?
223
00:09:20,183 --> 00:09:21,853
Why would I do that?
224
00:09:21,893 --> 00:09:23,653
I'm already reaping
the benefits.
225
00:09:23,687 --> 00:09:26,017
Janet bought Bobby
a slow cooker,
226
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:27,984
and I can't even
begin to tell you
227
00:09:28,024 --> 00:09:30,864
how tender my brisket
has been lately.
228
00:09:30,902 --> 00:09:32,702
Nekeisha, you didn't
bring us none?
229
00:09:32,737 --> 00:09:34,447
Oh, come on, Joe.
I don't talk about it,
230
00:09:34,531 --> 00:09:36,871
boy, I be about it.
231
00:09:36,908 --> 00:09:39,788
Oh, yeah.
232
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:42,080
Keisha, Keisha, Keisha.
233
00:09:42,122 --> 00:09:43,422
Well, look, y'all.
234
00:09:43,456 --> 00:09:44,916
I‐I don't care what
anybody thinks, okay?
235
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,460
This is not a way out for me.
236
00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:48,383
I really care about Janet.
237
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:49,800
Oh, come on, Bobby.
238
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,420
You finally have
a steady job
239
00:09:51,506 --> 00:09:53,256
and‐and a little control
over your life,
240
00:09:53,341 --> 00:09:54,801
why are you just gonna
give that control
241
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,215
over to someone else?
242
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:57,851
Well, he done tried
everything else.
243
00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:59,348
This is the only thing
that stick.
244
00:09:59,389 --> 00:10:02,179
Maybe being an old,
rich woman's prostitute
245
00:10:02,225 --> 00:10:04,015
is the life
he's cut out for.
246
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:05,520
NEKEISHA:
Yeah, Jerrod.
247
00:10:05,562 --> 00:10:08,442
Not all hoes want to be saved.
248
00:10:08,523 --> 00:10:09,903
What do you mean he's not
gonna have any control
249
00:10:09,941 --> 00:10:11,191
in their relationship?
250
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:12,994
Oh, come on, Maxine.
We all know the person
251
00:10:13,069 --> 00:10:15,239
with the most money has all
the power in a relationship.
252
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,950
(chuckles)
No, they don't.
253
00:10:17,032 --> 00:10:18,242
Of course they do.
254
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:19,743
You think
Stedman's choosing
255
00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:22,084
where he and Oprah
go out for dinner?
256
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,830
I bet you his name's
not even Stedman.
257
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,124
His name's probably
Tom, and she was like,
258
00:10:25,165 --> 00:10:26,875
"Hey, I'm gonna call
you Stedman, now."
259
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,287
And he was like, "Cool. Can
I have some more lobster?"
260
00:10:31,838 --> 00:10:32,918
Since you make
more money than me,
261
00:10:32,964 --> 00:10:35,934
does that mean you have the
power in our relationship?
262
00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:37,217
Yeah.
263
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,260
(chuckles) Okay.
264
00:10:39,304 --> 00:10:42,274
So, even if money were a way
to measure power,
265
00:10:42,307 --> 00:10:44,267
you may not always
have more money than me.
266
00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:46,519
Maxine, come on.
267
00:10:46,603 --> 00:10:48,983
I mean, you are a social worker.
268
00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:50,574
And that is really
nice and all,
269
00:10:50,607 --> 00:10:52,107
but you'll never
earn more money than me.
270
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,490
But don't worry,
because I promise
271
00:10:54,569 --> 00:10:56,949
to lead this relationship
to greatness.
272
00:10:56,988 --> 00:10:59,948
Oh, well, Jerrod...
273
00:10:59,991 --> 00:11:01,581
you may want to rethink that.
274
00:11:01,618 --> 00:11:03,238
Yeah? Why's that?
275
00:11:03,286 --> 00:11:05,286
'Cause I have a trust
from my Grandma Nancy,
276
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,500
and when she passes,
I'll inherit it.
277
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:09,962
Uh, you talking about
the 93‐year‐old grandma
278
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:11,001
with the bad kidney?
279
00:11:11,086 --> 00:11:14,206
Yep. Terrible kidney.
280
00:11:14,297 --> 00:11:15,917
How much is the trust?
281
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,010
Well, I didn't want
to tell you like this
282
00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,427
in front of your whole family,
283
00:11:23,473 --> 00:11:25,483
but since you're being
such an ass,
284
00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:27,477
it's $1.5 million.
285
00:11:27,519 --> 00:11:30,189
Yahtzee!
Get out of town!
286
00:11:33,316 --> 00:11:34,936
We're rich?
287
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,525
Well, Cynthia, we must've
done something right,
288
00:11:36,611 --> 00:11:39,361
'cause both of our
boys are gold diggers.
289
00:11:47,539 --> 00:11:49,869
♪ Uh, uh ♪
290
00:11:49,874 --> 00:11:50,924
♪ Uh, come on ♪
291
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,961
♪ Ha, sicker than your average ♪
292
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,923
♪ Papa twist cabbage
off instinct ♪
293
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,375
♪ Niggas don't think... stink ♪
294
00:11:56,464 --> 00:11:59,224
♪ Pink gators,
my Detroit players ♪
295
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:01,090
♪ Timbs for my hooligans
in Brooklyn ♪
296
00:12:01,177 --> 00:12:03,597
♪ Dead right, if the head right,
Biggie there every night ♪
297
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,520
♪ Papa been smooth
since days of Underroos... ♪
298
00:12:05,557 --> 00:12:06,927
MAXINE:
Hey.
299
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:08,557
Can you help me with these?
300
00:12:08,643 --> 00:12:10,653
Is that a cigar?
301
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:12,397
Yeah.
Since I found out we're rich,
302
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,020
I smoke cigars now.
303
00:12:14,065 --> 00:12:16,525
Also wear
Versace sunglasses inside,
304
00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:19,198
and then when we get outside,
I switch to the Guccis.
305
00:12:19,237 --> 00:12:21,527
Take those off.
306
00:12:21,573 --> 00:12:23,323
And we don't even
have the money yet.
307
00:12:23,366 --> 00:12:25,196
My grandmother's still alive.
308
00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,373
Oh, come on, Maxine.
309
00:12:26,411 --> 00:12:27,661
She is one sneeze
away from death,
310
00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:30,576
and we both know it.
311
00:12:30,623 --> 00:12:33,333
Also, we only buy
organic bananas now.
312
00:12:33,376 --> 00:12:35,166
I'm starting
to taste the difference.
313
00:12:35,211 --> 00:12:38,631
And these are not organic.
314
00:12:38,715 --> 00:12:42,005
Did you buy a new watch?
315
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,262
Did you buy a Rolex?
Yep.
316
00:12:44,345 --> 00:12:48,265
Jerrod, that has to be,
like, a $30,000 watch.
317
00:12:48,349 --> 00:12:49,519
Thirty‐two five.
318
00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:52,649
What is happening?
319
00:12:52,729 --> 00:12:54,399
How could you buy
something like this?
320
00:12:54,439 --> 00:12:56,519
Because I love the dough.
321
00:12:56,566 --> 00:12:59,566
Money over everything, Maxine.
322
00:12:59,611 --> 00:13:01,111
Cash rules everything around me.
323
00:13:01,196 --> 00:13:02,696
Stop using hip‐hop
to articulate yourself.
324
00:13:02,739 --> 00:13:04,279
(laughs) Look, Maxine,
325
00:13:04,365 --> 00:13:05,655
here's something
that I just don't think
326
00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:08,122
you ever really understood
about me.
327
00:13:08,203 --> 00:13:11,713
You see, I am from the ghetto,
328
00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:13,460
and I am obligated
329
00:13:13,541 --> 00:13:15,041
to spend my money irresponsibly
330
00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:16,995
'cause I ain't
never had nothing.
331
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,417
Why are you talking like that?
332
00:13:19,464 --> 00:13:20,674
I don't know.
I think it's the chain.
333
00:13:20,757 --> 00:13:22,127
Look, Maxine, I bought a chain.
334
00:13:22,217 --> 00:13:23,427
I‐I couldn't help myself.
335
00:13:23,468 --> 00:13:25,048
I... Isn't it ironic
336
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:26,595
that black people
were brought here in chains,
337
00:13:26,638 --> 00:13:28,308
and then
as soon as we get money,
338
00:13:28,389 --> 00:13:29,969
we put them on again?
339
00:13:30,058 --> 00:13:32,098
I cannot believe
you are acting like this.
340
00:13:32,143 --> 00:13:33,603
And put out the cigar.
341
00:13:33,645 --> 00:13:36,015
God, you look like Cosby.
It's creeping me out.
342
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:38,976
Look, Maxine, I realize
343
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,147
that this is upsetting to you,
344
00:13:41,236 --> 00:13:43,026
but there's a lot
of upside in this
345
00:13:43,112 --> 00:13:44,702
for you, too, okay?
346
00:13:44,781 --> 00:13:46,661
Now that you
make more money than me,
347
00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:49,661
the dynamic in our relationship
has shifted completely.
348
00:13:49,786 --> 00:13:51,196
I'm your Stedman now,
349
00:13:51,287 --> 00:13:52,787
which means
that you get to choose
350
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,211
what we watch on television.
351
00:13:54,290 --> 00:13:56,170
You get to choose
where we go out to dinner.
352
00:13:56,251 --> 00:13:58,171
And you can cheat on me once
a year, 'cause you've earned it.
353
00:13:58,253 --> 00:14:00,213
What?
354
00:14:00,296 --> 00:14:01,666
Also, you are allowed
to hit me twice.
355
00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:03,046
And you can hit my mom once.
356
00:14:03,132 --> 00:14:05,012
But you can't do both.
357
00:14:05,093 --> 00:14:06,303
Even if you did,
I'd probably still...
358
00:14:06,344 --> 00:14:08,054
Jerrod, I don't want
to cheat on you,
359
00:14:08,137 --> 00:14:10,177
and I don't want
to hit your mom.
360
00:14:10,265 --> 00:14:12,135
God, you criticize Bobby
361
00:14:12,183 --> 00:14:13,773
for being a gold digger,
but look at you.
362
00:14:13,810 --> 00:14:15,560
I thought you'd have
more integrity than this.
363
00:14:15,645 --> 00:14:17,685
Well, thought I would, too.
364
00:14:17,772 --> 00:14:20,282
I am as disappointed in me
as you are.
365
00:14:21,568 --> 00:14:23,238
I put truffles
on an Egg McMuffin this morning.
366
00:14:23,319 --> 00:14:25,359
Oh, my God.
367
00:14:25,446 --> 00:14:26,696
I can't even be around you
like this.
368
00:14:26,781 --> 00:14:28,741
Oh, wait, you want me to leave?
369
00:14:28,825 --> 00:14:30,285
'Cause I‐I could leave.
370
00:14:30,326 --> 00:14:32,746
I got a Uber
waiting downstairs for me.
371
00:14:32,829 --> 00:14:34,119
I tipped him $200,
372
00:14:34,205 --> 00:14:36,325
so he just stayed out there
all day.
373
00:14:36,374 --> 00:14:38,334
Oh, my God. Yes. Just go.
374
00:14:38,376 --> 00:14:41,126
Okay. Well,
as you wish, my love.
375
00:14:41,170 --> 00:14:43,010
I'll go.
376
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:45,217
Hey, Maxine,
377
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:48,850
I ordered this life‐size statue
of Prince off Amazon,
378
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:50,677
so I'm gonna need
somebody here to sign for it
379
00:14:50,722 --> 00:14:53,852
when it del... Okay.
380
00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:55,772
Yeah, Sylvia, both my boys,
381
00:14:55,852 --> 00:14:57,772
they got rich women.
382
00:14:57,854 --> 00:15:01,194
Uh‐huh. Oh, girl, I'm gonna
buy myself a new Camry.
383
00:15:01,232 --> 00:15:02,692
Okay, thank you, Sylvia.
384
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,744
We are truly blessed. Bye‐bye.
385
00:15:04,819 --> 00:15:06,319
Hey, sugar.
386
00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:08,782
Now, here comes one of
my little meal tickets.
387
00:15:08,865 --> 00:15:10,735
Sit down here, boy.
388
00:15:10,825 --> 00:15:13,785
Have a glass of some of
this expensive‐ass wine.
389
00:15:13,870 --> 00:15:15,290
You know, this is my
new favorite drink:
390
00:15:15,371 --> 00:15:18,211
expensive‐ass wine.
391
00:15:18,249 --> 00:15:19,629
Where's Maxine?
392
00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:21,419
Maxine got frustrated with me,
393
00:15:21,502 --> 00:15:22,882
so she asked me to leave.
394
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:24,421
Well, why would you frustrate
395
00:15:24,505 --> 00:15:27,375
a wonderful woman
like her anyway?
396
00:15:27,425 --> 00:15:29,505
No, this money's
making me crazy.
397
00:15:29,552 --> 00:15:31,602
Look, bought a Rolex.
398
00:15:31,679 --> 00:15:34,059
(gasps)
It's much nicer than
Bobby's, I might add.
399
00:15:34,098 --> 00:15:35,888
Ooh, both my sons got Rolexes.
400
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,524
I got to call Sylvia back.
401
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,610
No, Ma.
Son, you finally gave your mama
402
00:15:40,688 --> 00:15:43,188
something to brag about.
Let her have this.
403
00:15:43,232 --> 00:15:46,612
I thought blowing through money
would be more fun than this.
404
00:15:46,694 --> 00:15:48,864
Well, maybe you just need
a nicer Rolex.
405
00:15:48,905 --> 00:15:50,615
CYNTHIA:
Yeah, buy two.
406
00:15:50,698 --> 00:15:51,868
One for each wrist.
407
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:54,828
That should fill
the void inside you.
408
00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:57,411
Hey, Bobby, how could
you do this to me?
409
00:15:57,455 --> 00:15:58,745
Look, I had to make a choice.
410
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,380
See, that's why
our marriage ended
411
00:16:00,416 --> 00:16:02,786
in the first place.
Bobby, you so damn selfish.
412
00:16:02,877 --> 00:16:04,707
Wait, hold on. What's going on?
413
00:16:04,754 --> 00:16:06,134
You tell 'em, Bobby.
414
00:16:06,214 --> 00:16:08,344
I can't say it without crying.
415
00:16:08,424 --> 00:16:10,394
Look, Janet found out
that me and Nekeisha
416
00:16:10,426 --> 00:16:12,216
never actually got divorced.
417
00:16:12,261 --> 00:16:13,641
She told me if I
want to be with her,
418
00:16:13,721 --> 00:16:15,221
then I couldn't be
friends with Nekeisha.
419
00:16:15,264 --> 00:16:16,474
What?
420
00:16:16,557 --> 00:16:19,187
Keisha, you are a member
421
00:16:19,268 --> 00:16:22,308
of the Carmichael family.
422
00:16:22,397 --> 00:16:23,727
But times change.
423
00:16:23,773 --> 00:16:25,823
Hate to see you go.
424
00:16:28,111 --> 00:16:30,821
No, no, no, I‐I picked Nekeisha.
425
00:16:30,905 --> 00:16:32,525
Look, I told Janet
if me and Nekeisha
426
00:16:32,615 --> 00:16:34,405
couldn't be friends,
then it was over.
427
00:16:34,450 --> 00:16:35,830
She took the slow cooker.
428
00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:37,950
She took the damn slow cooker.
429
00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:39,956
You know, I tried to make
a brisket in the oven.
430
00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:41,958
It came out burnt and dry.
431
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,960
Bobby, why did you choose me?
We needed her.
432
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,292
Bobby, why you gonna choose
433
00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:46,496
your ex‐wife over money?
434
00:16:46,587 --> 00:16:47,667
Have you lost your mind?
435
00:16:47,755 --> 00:16:49,505
Yes, Bobby,
436
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:51,800
you had a rich,
beautiful, rich woman.
437
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:53,723
What were you thinking?
438
00:16:53,803 --> 00:16:56,263
But she said me and Nekeisha
couldn't be friends anymore.
439
00:16:56,305 --> 00:16:57,845
Bobby, we still
would've been friends.
440
00:16:57,932 --> 00:16:59,602
I would have seen you
all the time.
441
00:16:59,642 --> 00:17:02,772
That woman goes to bed at 8:00.
442
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:08,783
You know, Bobby,
443
00:17:08,818 --> 00:17:12,408
I never realized this
about you before today,
444
00:17:12,488 --> 00:17:14,658
but you have integrity.
445
00:17:14,699 --> 00:17:18,199
Like, you chose morals
and principles over money.
446
00:17:18,286 --> 00:17:20,746
Why?
447
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,420
Look,
it's like I told you, Jerrod.
448
00:17:22,498 --> 00:17:23,958
I don't care if she's rich.
449
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,540
Okay? It's more about who I am
than what I have.
450
00:17:26,627 --> 00:17:28,667
That stuff doesn't mean
anything to me.
451
00:17:28,713 --> 00:17:29,883
Wow.
452
00:17:29,964 --> 00:17:31,384
Really?
JOE:
No.
453
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:32,966
Your brother's stupid.
454
00:17:33,009 --> 00:17:34,759
Bobby has blown
455
00:17:34,844 --> 00:17:37,314
his one chance he had
at making it in this world,
456
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,967
and he is dead to all of us.
457
00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:41,305
But we still got Maxine.
458
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,391
So focus, Jerrod,
459
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,978
and give her the rest of
this expensive‐ass wine.
460
00:17:46,022 --> 00:17:47,942
CYNTHIA:
Tell her
461
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:50,744
I've always loved her.
462
00:17:50,818 --> 00:17:52,238
But I still don't...
Bobby.
463
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,320
Your opinion don't
matter no more.
464
00:17:59,869 --> 00:18:01,999
Hey.
465
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,790
I went to see my family,
466
00:18:03,873 --> 00:18:06,793
and my dad wanted me
to give you
467
00:18:06,876 --> 00:18:10,046
this half‐empty
bottle of wine.
468
00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:11,878
And my mom wanted
me to tell you
469
00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,593
that she's always loved you.
470
00:18:13,674 --> 00:18:15,594
So has everyone
471
00:18:15,676 --> 00:18:17,466
gone insane about this money?
472
00:18:17,553 --> 00:18:19,813
Yeah, pretty much.
473
00:18:19,889 --> 00:18:23,019
Maxine, I hit
rock bottom today.
474
00:18:23,059 --> 00:18:25,729
I felt myself
looking up to Bobby.
475
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:28,820
Like, really admiring
him as a person.
476
00:18:28,898 --> 00:18:32,028
Oh, my God. That must
have really scared you.
477
00:18:32,068 --> 00:18:33,948
It was terrifying.
478
00:18:34,028 --> 00:18:36,408
But I needed something like
that to make me realize
479
00:18:36,447 --> 00:18:38,027
that I need to have
more integrity
480
00:18:38,074 --> 00:18:39,784
when it comes to money.
481
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,697
(chuckles) Well, I'm glad
you figured that out.
482
00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:45,537
But I never will.
So I need you
483
00:18:45,623 --> 00:18:47,633
to sign a postnuptial
agreement
484
00:18:47,708 --> 00:18:50,588
guaranteeing that I can never
touch your grandma's fortune.
485
00:18:50,628 --> 00:18:53,548
(laughs) Wait.
You want to sign a document
486
00:18:53,589 --> 00:18:56,969
that keeps you away
from $1.5 million?
487
00:18:57,051 --> 00:18:59,721
Yeah, I do.
More than anything in the world.
488
00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:01,812
Come on, that is ridiculous.
489
00:19:01,889 --> 00:19:03,639
You know
that what's mine is yours
490
00:19:03,724 --> 00:19:05,944
and what's yours is mine.
That's what marriage is.
491
00:19:05,977 --> 00:19:09,057
But, Maxine, of all the
things I bought recently,
492
00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:11,315
the only thing that matters
to me is your wedding ring,
493
00:19:11,399 --> 00:19:12,979
and that's because
I worked hard for that.
494
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,357
Like, I saved up
all year for that.
495
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:18,355
Everything else‐‐
this Rolex, this chain,
496
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,448
that parakeet that's
in the bedroom‐‐
497
00:19:20,491 --> 00:19:21,911
none of it means
anything to me
498
00:19:21,951 --> 00:19:25,121
because I didn't earn it.
499
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:28,333
Yeah, this ring
is really special to me, too.
500
00:19:28,416 --> 00:19:31,706
(chuckles) So if you need me to,
501
00:19:31,794 --> 00:19:33,634
I guess I will call
a lawyer tomorrow
502
00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:36,511
and make sure that you never get
any of my grandma's money.
503
00:19:36,591 --> 00:19:38,381
Thank you.
504
00:19:39,135 --> 00:19:41,885
You got something in your mouth?
505
00:19:41,971 --> 00:19:44,641
Oh, yeah, I bought a grill.
506
00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:45,812
Oh.
507
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,940
Again, the ghetto
has destroyed me.
508
00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:56,781
(knock at door)
509
00:19:56,777 --> 00:19:58,567
Well, if it isn't
my favorite son
510
00:19:58,654 --> 00:20:01,074
and daughter‐in‐law.
511
00:20:01,157 --> 00:20:02,777
We were in the neighborhood.
512
00:20:02,825 --> 00:20:04,535
Thought we'd just drop by
513
00:20:04,619 --> 00:20:08,499
a few bags of pistachio nuts.
514
00:20:10,666 --> 00:20:12,916
And, Maxine, you are right.
515
00:20:13,002 --> 00:20:15,962
They are really the quality nut.
516
00:20:16,005 --> 00:20:19,425
Okay, before you
guys go any further,
517
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,679
you should know
that I asked Maxine
518
00:20:21,719 --> 00:20:23,549
to sign a postnuptial agreement
519
00:20:23,638 --> 00:20:25,098
restricting me
from her grandma's money.
520
00:20:25,181 --> 00:20:26,771
She agreed.
521
00:20:26,849 --> 00:20:29,479
So I nor any member
522
00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:30,939
of the Carmichael family
will have access
523
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,690
to her grandma's money.
524
00:20:36,692 --> 00:20:38,742
Well.
525
00:20:42,198 --> 00:20:45,118
Why does money make this family
throw food in the trash?
526
00:20:45,201 --> 00:20:47,081
You know there are
starving kids in Africa.
527
00:20:47,161 --> 00:20:49,831
Make up your mind
about these Africans, Maxine.
528
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:52,174
Are they dead,
or are they starving?
529
00:20:54,126 --> 00:20:57,506
I raised two of the stupidest
boys in the world.
530
00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:58,967
Come on, Cynthia.
531
00:20:59,048 --> 00:21:02,508
Let's go on back home
to our horrible lives.
532
00:21:05,054 --> 00:21:06,894
Jerrod Carmichael?
Oh.
533
00:21:06,931 --> 00:21:08,271
Hey, Maxine.
534
00:21:08,349 --> 00:21:10,729
I know what I said earlier,
535
00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:13,688
but I'm gonna want to keep
this Prince statue.
536
00:21:13,729 --> 00:21:16,019
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