All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e12 Three Year Anniversary

The Charmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

What are you talking
about, Maxine?

Weddings are a
beautiful thing.

We get to pretend
we accomplished something,

and all we had to do
was not break up.

And your parents pay
for the whole thing.

Her parents are very
rich, by the way.

Okay, I like
the commitment of marriage.

I just think
weddings are cheesy.

What's wrong with
going down to the courthouse

and just making
our lives easier?

A courthouse? Do you
hear this? A courthou...

No, of course
weddings are cheesy,

but where else will
my Uncle Pete get a chance

to hit on one of your nieces?

(laughs)

You guys are a funny couple.

Hey, I'm gonna go
get us all another round.

No, no, no.
I'll get this one.

No, stop. Are you kidding?
It's your anniversary.

I'm getting the drinks.

(chuckles): Okay.
Thank you, Jessica!

Maxine, that girl
wants to have sex with us.

What? Jerrod, you're insane.

She came over, approached us,
started a conversation,

laughed at everything we said
for over an hour.

She's getting us drunk.

Like, if I were single,
I would've already invited her

back to my place
to watch Westworld.

I think it's possible
for someone

to be friendly
without wanting sex.

No, it isn't.
That's all friendliness is.

It's just horniness in disguise,
trust me.

That girl wants
to sleep with us.

Huh.

I... find that
kind of flattering.

I like the idea

of being the couple that people
want to have sex with.

Like George and Amal or...

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

What?

Nobody wants to have a threesome

with Goldie Hawn
and Kurt Russell anymore.

What are you talking about?

Well, I think they're classy.

Like Michael Douglas
and Catherine Zeta‐Jones.

Okay, quit naming
old couples, Maxine.

You're creeping me out.

Look, the point is,
if this is real,

what are we gonna do about it?

I don't know. (giggles)
I mean...

you've said in the past

that you'd be open to us
trying a threesome.

And it's fallen in our lap
on our three‐year anniversary.

I don't think we can get
a much clearer sign from God.

I mean, it is something
I've fantasized about.

And you're sure it's something
that you still want to try?

More than I want my father to
live to see his grandchildren.

I don't even know why
we're talking about this,

because you're just
interpreting it all wrong.

She's just a friendly person.

Okay, here, she's coming back.
Don't make it weird. I'm not gonna...

Okay, here we go.

Thanks.
Oh, thank you so much, Jessica.

You know, you have, like,
really beautiful eyes.

Oh. Thank you.

You know...

Jessica...

if I may speak for
my fiancée and I,

we think your eyes
are beautiful, too.

Oh. Wow. Um...

Hey, Jessica,
you ever seen Westworld?

♪ ♪

Happy anniversary.

Last night
was... amazing.

It was incredible, right?

Every couple should
have a threesome.

I've never felt
more in sync with you.

Mm‐hmm.

I'm not gonna lie.

Really proud of
the work I did in there.

I mean...

it was overwhelming
for a second,

but it's good to know that
in a fight‐or‐flight situation,

your boy here spars
with the best of them.

Yeah, I feel like
we can accomplish

anything together now.

You know, if they had group
sex at corporate retreats,

I bet company productivity
would skyrocket.

(chuckles)

After last night, I think
you finally passed Jay Z

as the most important person
in the world to me.

(laughs)

Yeah, no, and I was like,
"Well, this is a grocery store.

You're supposed
to have the bags."

Hey, why is she still here?

Yeah, it's almost
noon; it's like,

how long are you supposed
to stay after a threesome?

It was clearly
a one‐night stand.

Everybody knows the rules.

As soon as the sun
hits your face,

you're supposed to get out
of there like a vampire.

Hey, Jessica.

Good morning.

Well, that was
a really fun night.

Oh! Oh...

Oh.

Okay.

Hey, do you guys
have an extra toothbrush?

What?

Uh, yeah, there
should be one, uh,

in the cabinet
under the sink.

Okay, thanks.

And when I get out,
we can finally watch Westworld.

How long do you think
she's gonna stay here?

She's brushing her teeth
while wearing my shirt.

I think she's planning on
dying here.

(sighs) Okay, here's
what we're gonna do.

When she gets out,
I'm just gonna tell her

that I got an emergency text
from my sister,

and we have to go pick her up

from her abusive boyfriend's
house.

Well, what if she wants
to come with us?

Who would want to come to that?

Uh, everyone.

Do you know how interesting
that sounds?

If someone told me
they were about to go

to their sister's house
who'd just been abused,

I'd drop all my plans
and get in the car.

Now, look, I'm just gonna
tell her to get out.

No, you can't do that.

We have to come up with
the right thing to say

so that she leaves
but she doesn't,

you know, feel
hurt by it.

Okay, you know, I'm just
gonna tell her that

I forgot we already
had plans.

Eh.

Just a heads up,
your toothbrushes are medium,

but most dentists
actually recommend soft.

It's easier on your gums.

Oh, yeah, I've been meaning
to get soft toothbrushes.

Uh...

Oh, crap!

Jerrod, I forgot
that we have to go get

our couple's massage

at the spa
because it's our anniversary.

Oh, what spa?

Oh, it's, um...

What's it called?

Look, Maxine's lying to you.

The truth is

we only wanted
to have sex with you,

and we don't want
to hang out anymore,

so we would prefer it
if you left.

Cool?

What? Jerrod, what the
hell is your problem?

I am so sorry, Jessica.

We do not
feel that way at all.

We had an amazing time
with you last night,

and no one's telling
you to leave.

Nah.

She's just saying that.

We really would like for you to
leave.

Cool?

Wow. Um, I'm sorry
I overstayed my welcome.

No, don't be so
hard on yourself.

We're new to threesomes,
too, you know?

We're just figuring out
all these crazy rules

as we go along, you know?

(scoffs)

Okay. Yeah, I guess I'll leave.

Westworld time!

Jerrod, how can you be
so inconsiderate?

She was so hurt.

No, she seemed fine.

Okay, how would you feel
if you had sex with someone

and then they kicked you out
first thing in the morning?

Amazing.

Maxine,

honesty is way better than
stringing someone along.

We kicked her out
early enough for her

to still enjoy
the rest of her day.

What is it, like, noon?

She could still catch a matinée
if she wants to,

and those are half off tickets.

We're saving this girl
time and money.

Oh, don't act like
you did something noble.

Nobody likes
that kind of brutal honesty.

Lying after sex is just
common human decency.

Okay.

Maxine, let's not
fight about her, okay?

If there's a lesson
to be learned here,

it's that we are just
way too much fun as a couple.

People are gonna
get attached.

I bet this is what it's like

when Barack and Michelle
have threesomes.

You threw her
out like trash.

No, I didn't. I recycled her.

I‐I put her back

into the world so she could
have a new beginning.

(knock on door)
CYNTHIA: Happy anniversary!

No, do not
answer the door.

I cannot deal with
your family right now.

I can't not answer the door.
They're at the door.

BOBBY: Hey, Jerrod, you home?
Maybe they're not home.

CYNTHIA: Well, where else
would they be?

They're always over our place
or here; they got no lives.

JOE: Jerrod,
you're being rude as hell.

Now, I'm gonna kick
this door down if I need to.

Five, four...

Happy anniversary!

Took y'all long enough.

Look at you two.

Still in your bathrobes.

Well, that must have been
a wild night, huh?

Huh?! Huh?!
All right.

Okay, okay. All right.
Okay. Please stop.

(laughs)

Of course, the real anniversary
comes after you get married,

but you kids

and your new ways, celebrating
dating anniversaries.

I just hope
you get right with God.

Soon, before you have to
go to hell forever.

But congratulations!

So, look, we went
to the Pottery Barn,

and we got his and her
Egyptian cotton towels.

Feel it. Uh‐huh.

That's how they
dry their ass in Egypt.

It's nice, right?

Well, thank you, guys.

I'm gonna be
in the bedroom.

Jerrod, we'll
finish this later.

Hold on.

I think I know
what's happening here.

We walked in on
a little anniversary fight.

The most beautiful fight
of the year.

You know, Jerrod was conceived
after a anniversary fight.

See, when a man is angry,

that's when he's at
his most potent.

Judging from the anger
I'm looking at

on y'all's faces,

we might be grandparents
in nine months.

(knock on door)

Sorry, I just...

Well, who is this?

Oh, hey, hey.

It's not actually a good time.
My parents came by, so...

I left my bra, okay?

Just give it to me
and I'll leave.

"Bra"?

Did she just
say "bra"?

Yeah, I heard "bra,"
Mama.

You did say "bra," right, lady?

JERROD:
Hey, okay.

Look, just wait right there.
I'll go grab it, okay?

Hi, Jessica.

Hi.

So, uh...

did y'all have
a little sleepover or something?

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, so you're visiting
from out of state?

No.

Okay.

Here you go.
Thanks for coming by.

Bye.
This isn't my bra.

Oh, God.
Jerrod, that is mine.

I'm‐‐ Oh, here.
Thank you. Okay.

So, uh, y'all went to
high school together?

No.

Okay.

Jerrod got a shirt
just like that.

Um, here.

Thanks.

Yo, something went down,
and we're gonna figure it out.

I know, because
I've been wearing bras

since before you boys were born,

and I have never
forgotten one somewhere.

It just seems impolite

to be taking off your bra
at your friend's house.

Yeah, if I take my drawers off
at a friend's house,

that means something
horrible has happened.

This is very peculiar.

Okay, there's nothing
suspicious, okay?

Stop trying
to figure something out.

So...

a girl stayed over,

and she left her bra
in y'all bedroom,

and then there's a lot
of tension in the air.

(chuckles)

It's pretty clear
what went down.

Well, what did you deduce,
Bobby?

Jerrod and Maxine had
a threesome last night.

A threesome?!

Oh, my God.

I solved the case.
(laughs)

Let me get
this straight.

Y'all had an orgy
last night?

Let's not make a big deal
about this, okay?

JOE: Well, I'm having
conflicted feelings.

On the one hand,
I'm proud of my son,

and on the other hand,
I'm very disappointed in Maxine.

Man, this double standard thing
between men and women is real.

Can we please
just drop this?

You're always trying
to steal my thunder, Jerrod.

Look, I was just about
to break the news

that I finally slept
with a Asian chick.

But, no,
Jerrod got to have it all.

God, I did not wake up
this morning thinking

I would find out
that my boy

is engaged to a lesbian.

This does not
make me a lesbian.

Are you sure, Maxine?

'Cause sometimes
being a lesbian

can lay dormant
in your system for years,

then it can come back on you
out of nowhere,

like a acid flashback.

Maxine, is this one
of those silly things

where you're trying to prove
how open‐minded you are?

Last week, you tried
the vegan diet.

This week, you've been
with another woman.

You need to pick
out your identity

and stick with it!

Jerrod?

I can't control what they say.

So, y'all had a threesome on
your three‐year anniversary.

So, on the fourth, is it
gonna be four people?

Or what if you're together
as long as Mom and Dad?

35 people?

When does it end?!

MAXINE:
All right.

Everybody,
get out of my apartment!

Joe, what's happening?
She allowed to do that?

Maxine.

I liked you better
when you were straight!

And, Jerrod,
I'm taking these towels.

And you'll never know
what it's like

to dry your ass
like an Egyptian.

Then I guess I know
when I'm not wanted.

Jerrod, congratulations
on your threesome.

I couldn't be
more proud of you

if you were the first Carmichael
to graduate from college.

And, Maxine...

shameful day all around.

Maxine, what's that about?
(door closes)

You can't just
throw my parents out.

Oh, well, maybe I
wouldn't have to

if you would just
stand up for me.

What does that mean?

Maxine.

What's wrong? Come on.
Come on, talk to me.

Look, I'm not
a traditional woman

who wants some
big church wedding,

I'm not sure
that I ever want kids,

and I will never have dinner
waiting for you

when you get home, but I do want
you to just come to my rescue

every once in a while.

Like, when your parents
call me a whore.

That would be a great time
for you to step up for me.

No one used
that exact word.

Jerrod, look, you...

you challenge me intellectually,

and you push me to try new
things and you make me laugh,

but, my God,
are you bad with feelings.

And it's fine if
you want to pretend

like you don't have any,
but I do.

And I need you
to think about them.

And I don't want to
have to tell you to do that.

Maxine, here's
something that

I don't think you
realize about me:

I am not a good
boyfriend, okay?

It doesn't mean that
I don't love you.

It just means that,
uh, I'm bad at it.

Jerrod, you're not
gonna get out of this

by trying to get me
to lower my expectations.

I mean, why would I have
agreed to marry you?

Why would I stay in
a relationship like that?

I don't think
you will... okay?

And, I don't know,
sometimes that scares me.

Wait.

You think that I'm gonna
break up with you? Why?

Because I'm not
a good boyfriend.

Isn't that what
this whole fight is about?

Well, maybe if you would
just be a good boyfriend,

you wouldn't have to be worried
about me breaking up with you.

Well, we are in a real
chicken‐or‐egg situation here,

aren't we, Maxine?

Look, you are
a caring, compassionate,

loving person.

When you want to be.

No, I'm not.

I'm beginning to worry that
you don't know who I am.

Oh, God, yes, you are!

I mean, Jerrod,
I saw that person last night.

We were so in sync.

You knew everything
that I wanted.

I mean, midway through,
you just went

and got me a bottle
of sparkling water.

Yeah, 'cause I could
tell you were thirsty.

And I was, and you knew that.

And, see, this is
what I'm talking about.

Yeah, but that's
different, Maxine.

A threesome is a very
fragile, delicate situation.

If I weren't attentive
to all your needs,

that whole thing
could've fallen apart.

So, why not be that guy
all the time?

Huh.

So you want me to live every day

like we're in
the middle of a threesome?

If that's the only way
for you to understand

how to be a loving,
compassionate person

who thinks about my feelings,

then, yeah,
that's what I'm trying to say.

Okay, no, no, I hear you,
Maxine, I hear you.

So, what you're saying
is that this relationship

isn't just about me.

Yes. (chuckles)

And you're saying
that I should, like,

pay attention to your needs,

even in, like, regular,
everyday situations.

Yes.

I really hope these aren't
completely new thoughts for you.

You know what, Maxine?

Come with me
to my parents' house.

I need to go stand up for you.

I should've done that from
the beginning, but I'm gonna

show them another side of me.

I'm gonna show them
Threesome Jerrod.

Boy, this analogy
is really sticking, huh?

Yeah, it's really clearing
a lot of stuff up for me.

Oh. Maxine, let's go.

But wear something nice 'cause
we got to make a stop first.

But I promise it's gonna be
romantic and really spontaneous.

Where are we going?

All right, you guys,
sit down and listen up.

You guys insulted Maxine,
and you can't do that, okay?

Because she has feelings,

and her feelings are
connected to my feelings.

I love this girl.

Last night,
she gave me a threesome.

Do you know what
that means to me?

That means
everything to me.

Jerrod, why do you keep
bringing up this threesome?

I am your mother.
This is disgusting.

Well, I'm feeling badly.

Maybe I took it a little too far
when I called Maxine a lesbian

and implied that
she was a ho and whatnot.

We cool?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, Joe, okay.

Jerrod, tell them
the other thing.

Oh, yeah,
that's right, my bad.

Maxine and I got married.

We just did it
at the courthouse.

You got married?!

At the courthouse,
no wedding?!

Nope. My partner in threesomes
has become my partner in life.

Now give us back
our towels!

Now, Dad, Mom...

No!

Look, I consider myself
pretty progressive,

but what you guys have done
in the last 12 hours is insane.

But hold on, now. Did y'all
really get married?

Yeah. Turns out
all you got to do

is pay $60
and sign something.

Yeah. I'm Maxine
North‐Carmichael.

You hyphenated?

Lord, even your name
is a threesome!

Well, this is not the way I
expected my son to get married,

but regardless,
I'm happy.

All right, everybody,
bring it in.

Welcome to the family,
Maxine.

Aw, thank you.

Cynthia, come on,
bring it in now.

Why? So y'all can try
and have sex with me, too?

No, thank you!

Well, look,

after yesterday's threesome,

y'all wedding night is really
gonna be a disappointment.

So...

does a threesome
last twice as long

or half as long?

I'm not giving you
any details, Bobby.

This is my wife
we're talking about.

Did you do the thing
where you, you know,

you, like,
grab the leg...

Okay, you know what, Bobby?

Everything that you're
imagining we did,

we did, twice.

I hate you.

What?

Look, sorry, I can't help it
but to sound resentful.

But let me ask
you something.

(clears throat)

Is it weird

that I can't stop picturing
my brother having sex?

Yes. Yes,
it is weird, Bobby.

Is it even weirder

that I don't want to
stop picturing it?

Please leave my apartment.

Fine!

I don't need this.

You know something?

I bet you haven't
pictured one time

me having sex
with that Asian chick.

And you know why?
It's because you're selfish!

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