All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e11_English

The Carmichael Show is taped
in front of a live studio
audience.

Bobby, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.

Well, how'd you get
yourself electrocuted, son?

You didn't put
a George Foreman Grill

on the edge of your tub
again, did you?

I told you, Bobby,
burgers can wait

until after you're done
with your bath.

No, no, no. I was at work,
and my boss had me

rewiring the lights
in the lobby.

Yeah, but you're not
an electrician, you are a super.

The only thing you're
supposed to be doing

is looking for mold
and evicting prostitutes.

Okay, Bobby, I hope you're
all right and everything,

but I got $100 riding on this.

Were you trying to cook burgers
in the bathtub again?

No, okay? Will somebody
give me some credit?

I gave you credit, Bobby,

and it won me $100.

Man, I hate my job.

I'm just not cut out
to be fixing things.

As soon as he touched
those wires,

he shot across the room.

Made me realize how scared
I am of the police.

He was unconscious
for seven minutes,

and I still didn't call 911.

Come here, baby.
Now, hold on now, Cynt.

We got to make sure all the
electricity is out of him.

(alarmed shouts)

(laughter)

I got you on that,
didn't I?

I just reached out...
(shouting)

I guess it's time
to charge my phone.

(shouting)

Joe, you are so good
at lightening the mood.

(sarcastically):
Ha ha!

Okay, when I was laying
on death's door,

I realized that my life
hasn't meant anything so far,

and that if I died today,
I wouldn't have anything

to leave behind
but three pair of Jordans

and this Apple Watch.

Dammit, Bobby,
you stole my Apple Watch.

Well, it's mine now,
and it's all I got.

Uh‐oh.

What's going on, Nekeisha?

I posted on Facebook
to pray for Bobby

'cause he hurt himself,
and most people misunderstood

and think he tried
to commit suicide.

Dammit, Nekeisha.

Oh, look, they set up
a memorial fund.

Oh, that's nice.

That's so nice.
Every little bit helps.

Look at these comments.

"RIP Bobby." "Sad day."

"The signs were all there"?

Why does everybody think
I tried to kill myself?

Hello, I'm Dr. Hunt.

Doctor, this isn't gonna
cause some kind of

long‐term erectile
dysfunction, is it?

Mom!

I want grandbabies.

There's nothing
to worry about.

All his test results
came back fine.

Just be careful out there
next time, okay?

All right, man.
Thank you, Doc... Wait.

Darnell Hunt?

Darnell Hunt
from Reynolds High?

Yes.

It's me, man
Bobby Carmichael.

We was in the same class.

Oh, yeah, I remember you.

You used to date
that girl in the wheelchair.

Yeah, that's something
I did briefly.

How are you old enough
to be a doctor?

Well, after high school
I did four years of college,

then four years
of medical school,

then two years of residency

and one year of internship.

And I've been
practicing medicine

the last five years.

I'm 34, just like you.

Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)

Okay, I got to go.

It was good
seeing you, Bobby.

Take care, everybody.

A young, black doctor.

I bet he drives a Tesla.

I get so proud when I see
black people driving Teslas.

Man, seeing how great
Darnell's doing

makes me feel like a loser.

Don't say that, Bobby.
His name is Dr. Hunt.

All right,
that settles it.

I know what I got to do.

Bobby Carmichael is
going to college.

(laughing)

Well, come on, y'all,

laugh at the boy's joke
about going to college.

Don't hurt his feelings.

♪ ♪

That's what I get for
opening up to you all.

Well, now, look, Bobby, how the
hell was I supposed to know

you were serious about
wanting to go to college?

Well, now you know I'm serious.

Should I go?

Bobby?
No, mm‐mm.

Bobby could be the first
Carmichael to go to college.

What kind of family
doesn't support that?

A family full of jackals
who don't care about my future.

Bobby, you are not
built for college.

I remember when you were
in the third grade,

and I read your "How I Spent
My Summer Vacation" paper.

I thought, this is a kid
who will never go to college.

But you can't give up
on a child

in the third grade.

Yeah, but you didn't
read that paper.

The teacher
called us in.

She was so upset,
poor lady.

She quit a couple
weeks after that.

Went back to
working at the zoo.

Said she was done
with humans altogether.

Look, I think college is
a scam, anyway.

Bobby, you might as well just
join the Church of Scientology.

At least they give you
industry connections

and a wife to cover up
your homosexuality.

Bobby, if you really want
to be successful,

you should focus on developing
your personality.

Being able to charm
and communicate with people

can get you anything you want.

And if your personality
is good enough,

you can earn one of those
honorary degrees

like they gave to Bill Cosby.

Before the rapes.

Come on, don't act like the man
never accomplished anything.

First of all, Jerrod,

your personality is not as
good as you think it is.

And stop being so
dismissive of college.

You can get experiences
in college

that you can't get
anywhere else.

Like what?

Like an education

or valuable connections that
can help you later in life.

Maxine, those are all things
you can get in prison.

JOE:
Well, you know,

college and prison do
have a lot in common.

They both have terrible food,

they force you to
have a roommate

and sexual assault goes
virtually unpunished.

Okay, college is a
lot more than that.

College is nothing
like prison.

I can't believe I
have to say that.

Well, Maxine,
I don't think you can judge

since you've only been
to one college and zero prisons.

Bobby, in college you can expand
your mind and grow as a person.

I don't know.
I think you can learn more

from YouTube than college, okay?

Look at me.

I mastered origami.

I'm an expert bread maker,

and I'm a midwife.

Bobby, it's just that
when people go to college,

they know what they want
to study,

and they have
a career in mind.

They have focus and goals
that they want to achieve.

You're just not that guy.

Look, okay, I'm not trying
to be a doctor like Darnell.

I just don't want
to do a job I hate.

Want to do something
more fulfilling.

Well, I got to get to my
very fulfilling job as TSA.

I sleep well at night
knowing that I protect America

by doing random searches
on anyone

with a last name
I can't pronounce.

Bobby, college can help you
find a fulfilling career.

Like, I have a client.

He was 39 and homeless,

and then going back to school
turned his entire life around.

In two years, he got
his associate's degree,

and now he's an
electrical engineer.

He just electrocuted
himself, Maxine.

If you worried about people
thinking that you a failure,

just have a child.

That's a perfect excuse for
your life not to go anywhere.

CYNTHIA:
Yeah, Bobby.

Forget about this college.

You could become
a parent tomorrow.

We'll just adopt one of them
little Chinese babies.

Well, that settles it.

We gonna be Chinese
grandparents.

Bobby, please don't adopt
a Chinese baby.

Think about it.

You're gonna feel
real bad about yourself

when you got a Chinese baby
that's smarter than you

by the time
he's seven years old.

Look, okay, I'm not trying
to adopt a Chinese baby.

I just want a career.

Look, you're my parents.

You supposed to encourage me.

Man, you know something?
Never mind.

Forget it.

Well, somebody's acting
like a Chinese baby.

(sighs) Don't you guys realize
the damage you do

when you talk to Bobby
like that?

No wonder
he has low self‐esteem.

Do not blame us, Maxine.

We raised Jerrod
the exact same way,

and he has more self‐esteem
than he deserves.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really do.
(scoffs)

I think we all
need to go in there,

and we need to go and tell Bobby

that he can do anything
he sets his mind to.

But, Maxine, he can't.

You know, the key
to raising kids

is to keep their
expectations low.

Now, what does every child

that has shot up a
school have in common?

They were being pushed too
hard by their parents.

You can say whatever you like

about Bobby's lack
of accomplishments,

but he has never participated
in a school massacre.

Maxine, you can't
keep filling him up

with all this
ridiculous nonsense

he has no hope
of accomplishing.

That's like putting rocket
fuel in a Toyota Corolla.

Listen, saying anyone
can do anything

they set their mind to
sounds great in theory,

but it's just not true
for the real world.

It's just a thing we say,

like "Money can't
buy happiness"

or "All brides
are beautiful."

All I know is Bobby
is in the kitchen right now

feeling completely disempowered.

So if you guys won't tell him
that you believe in him, I will.

Bobby...

I want you to know

that I think
you are an extraordinary,

intelligent, sensitive person.

I am sure you can do anything
that you put your mind to.

You mean that?

I do.

Thanks, Maxine. It means a lot.

Hey, son.

(clears throat)

Father.

Your mother and I
don't want you being all...

disempowered.

We're sorry, Bobby.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

We thought you didn't
believe in you, either.

See, we always were trying
to be realistic with you, son.

We didn't want you
to aim too high

'cause we didn't
want you get hurt.

Look, I know that.

That's why I actually
picked a career

that a guy like me
can actually do.

I want to be a therapist
just like Maxine.

Wait, what?

Well, Bobby, you can
definitely do that.
That's a good idea.

And I am so proud of you
for not aiming too high.

You are a great
listener, Bobby,

and, you know, I was gonna
suggest hairdresser,

but now this is even better

'cause you don't even have
to learn to cut hair.

So, what you think, Maxine?

Yeah, Maxine.

What do you think?

Bobby's gonna do your job.

It's good.

It's very good, so good.

(laughs)

Maxine, you're not going
over your case files, are you?

I told you, I don't like talking

about inner‐city pedophilia
in the morning.

It ruins
the breakfast experience.

Jerrod, I'd appreciate it

if you didn't make
jokes about my job.

(laughs)

Somebody's still mad.

No, I'm not mad.

Well, just admit it, Maxine.

You're upset because Bobby
thinks he's smart enough

to do your job.

No, Bobby can do many things.

So, you do think Bobby's
smart enough to do your job.

This has nothing to do
with being smart.

It's just that it's‐it's
four years of college

and then three years
of grad school and I just,

I just don't think
that Bobby's skills...

Mm‐hmm.

...are the right match
to be a therapist.

You mean like the
skill of smartness?

(knock at door)

Oh, thank God you're home.
What happened?

Well, your brother asked us
to cosign a $5,000 student loan

at 30% interest.

I love that boy,
but only up to $1,300.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Maxine.
The bank classified him

as an extraordinarily
high risk.

Apparently, they don't believe
in him as much as you do.

So, what did you tell him?

Nothing. We just said
we were thirsty

and we went in the kitchen,

then we snuck out
the back door.

Well, you should know
that Maxine doesn't think

he's smart enough to be
a therapist, either.

What?! Well, why the hell
did you encourage him

in the first place?

I did not say that
Bobby wasn't smart enough

and this has nothing
to do with anyone

being smarter
than anyone else.

I know that you can't
rank people like that.

Of course you can;
that's what schools do.

They rank you from the smartest
to the dumbest people.

Maxine, we all think it, whether
we say it out loud or not.

Like in this room,
I'd say it goes me,

then you, then
Mom, then Dad.

I don't think
that's fair, Jerrod.

It's Dad, then you,
then me, then Maxine.

That is very sweet, honey,
but I've always said

women are smarter than men.

That means it's you,
then me, then Jerrod,

then Maxine.
Yes.

Okay, I don't believe
in ranking in people,

but I know I shouldn't be
at the bottom.

(knock at door)

Hey, Jerrod.

Joe, Cynthia,

I've been looking for y'all.

Bobby quit his job so
he can go to school full‐time,

so we gonna have
to move in with y'all.
What?!

You should know that
I got three rules, okay?

I smoke weed when I want,
I play the trumpet when I want

and the third one's a secret.

Joe, Bobby cannot
move back in.

I hate looking him in the eye
every morning at breakfast,

pretending like
I didn't hear him up there

listening to that porn
the night before.

Y'all need to move in
with Jerrod and Maxine.

She's the one that
started all this.

Okay, cool.

Look, I got three rules.

Maxine, look what you've done.

You've destroyed our family
by believing in Bobby.

Now we got to listen

to Nekeisha's trumpet solos
every night.

And I'm gonna admit it,

I'm not good.

I cannot believe
Bobby quit his job.

Mm‐hmm, and he trying
to bankrupt this family.

And for what, Maxine?
Just so you can make a point?

(sighs) Fine, I will go
crush his dreams.

Is that what you want to hear?

Thank you.
Yeah, finally.
Yeah.

Bobby!

BOBBY:
I'm in the kitchen, Ma.

Hey, where did
you guys go?

I've been looking
for you for 45 minutes.

Maxine, go.

I don't know,
maybe I shouldn't do this.

It could devastate him.

Maxine...

finish him.

No, no, I'm just playing.

Good luck in there.

Hey, Bobby.

Oh, hey, look,
check this out.

Central Piedmont
Community College.

And they asked me who's
my biggest inspiration.

And I was gonna type in
Frederick Douglass,

but screw Frederick Douglass.

My biggest inspiration
is Maxine.

You know, Frederick Douglass

ain't did nothing
compared to you.

(laughs)

Uh, listen, Bobby, I
think we need to talk.

(sighs) Um...

so, before I decided
to study psychology,

I had other career ambitions
that just weren't right for me.

You know, like,
at one point,

I thought I wanted
to be a veterinarian,

but then I realized I would
have to euthanize animals

and I don't have what it
takes to look into the eyes

of a poor, innocent
creature and destroy it.

Um, so my point
is, um... (sighs)

...if I'm really
being honest,

I'm just not confident

that you are able
to be a therapist.

Really?

(sighs)

Damn, Maxine.

It's just that
you're starting so late,

and the program
is really rigorous,

and now it turns out that you're
gonna have to move back home

and put your parents'
finances on the line.

I just, I just don't have
a lot of confidence

that this is gonna work out
and that it's worth the risk.

Um, I'm sorry.

I just felt like you needed
to hear the truth.

Wow.

Wow, that‐that hurts.

I mean, I'm used to people
telling I can't do something,

but I never thought
it would come from you.

(sighs)
You see, Maxine,

I always thought
it was me and you

against the rest
of the family.

What do you mean?

It's 'cause, you know,

nobody take us seriously.

Oh.

Um, I guess I never really
thought about it like that.

Look.

When Jerrod brought you home,
I finally thought, like,

wow, there's somebody in
this family just like me.

You see, Maxine, me and you got
the same function, you know?

We're feelers, right?

You know, w‐we're able
to deal with our emotions.

Somebody like Jerrod attaches
himself to people like us,

so we can feel his
feelings for him.

Hmm.

Bobby, that was
really insightful.

You have an
emotional intelligence

that not enough people
give you credit for.

I know.

That's why I wanted
to be a therapist.

You know what, Bobby?

Forget everything
I just said.

Come with me.

I want everyone
to listen to me.

Bobby has decided
to become a therapist

and I intend to support him.

Oh no, Joe,
look in his eyes.

He look like
he's full of hope.

What are we gonna do?

I just can't talk Bobby out
of doing something important

that he is passionate about.

And I know you think what I
do for a living is a joke,

but I put my heart
and soul into my work.

My days are filled

with stories of rape and
addiction and homelessness.

And sure, I come home
emotionally exhausted

and I eat my lunch alone in
my car most days so I can cry.

And maybe 80%

of the cases that come across
my desk wind up as failures,

but I give them
everything I have

for practically no pay
because it's worth it.

It's worth it

for the heroin addict
who's gonna get AIDS

if I don't get him
access to clean needles.

It is worth it
for the teen mom

who is about to
give birth alone.

That's what I do

and that's what
Bobby is gonna do

because we care
about helping people.

Damn, Maxine.

Your job sounds horrible.

And I'd rather be
electrocuted any day, okay?

Look, I'm sorry for
wasting everybody's time.

I haven't gave this
career thing much thought.

I'm‐a go back.

Maxine, Maxine.
Excuse me, Maxine.

Lunch time!

Well, I didn't mean
to discourage him.

I meant to encourage him.

Yeah, I guess next time you're
trying to encourage someone

you shouldn't use the words
"rape," "heroin," and "AIDS."

(laughs)
Look at you, man.

80 more hours and
I get my license.

I think you found
your calling, son.

You know, you're very easy
to talk to.

Can I tell you something
I've never told anyone?

Come on, Clyde, look‐‐
that's what I'm here for.

I'm your barber.

I'm gay.

At first I thought it was just
a phase that I was going through

or something I would
just do on the weekend,

but 50 years later, here I am,

married with children and
it's all just built on a lie.

Look, Clyde, you can't
undo what's been done.

You just need to focus
on loving yourself.

Look, man, never apologize

for who you really are.

Damn, you're good.

Thanks for not judging me.

But if my wife ever finds out
about this, I'll kill you.

Of course, that goes
without saying.

That'll be $11.

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