All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e09_English

"The Carmichael Show" is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Granddad,
let me ask you a question.

What did you think about y dd
when you first met him?

I didn't like him.

But you did grow to love him.

Nope.

Your mom just texted me.

They're on their way back
from that women's march.

What the hell are these women
marching for?

I think it's about abortions.

Usually,
that's when women get mad,

is when somebody tell them
they can't have abortions.

All I know is that
any time I ask Maxine

what she's
marching for,

she gets all riled up
and mad at me.

And she says "If you don't know,
then you part of the problem."

And then I laugh.

Man, I guess I am kind of
part of the problem.

JOE:
I know why they march.

See, a whole lot of women
voted for Trump,

and a whole lot of other women
are angry at those women

because they feel like
those women

aren't being the kind of women

that they feel
they supposed to be.

See, it's all very confusing,
but the point is,

it ain't got nothing
to do with us men.

Yeah, I don't like when
they group us all together

and make it sound like all men
are misogynists or rapists

just trying to keep women down.

When it's really
only 45% of us that do that.

(Cynthia laughing)

Hi, guys.

JOE: Hey.
Oh!

That march,
it was incredible.

They had speeches
and music and Lena Dunham.

She had a T‐shirt on that just
said "Vagina" across it.

Ooh, there was something
weirdly powerful about it.

Ooh, yeah,
that march was inspiring.

I have never seen so many
masculine haircuts on women.

It was cute
and confusing.

You should've seen Mom
out there.

She chanted
louder than all of us.

Oh, I've never seen you
so excited.

Well, I just got caught up
in the moment.

(chuckles) Hey, Grandma,
you got some Lemonheads?

Ooh, you know I do,
precious.

Yes!
Here you go.

You know, I'm so glad
that we all went together.

It was really cool having
three generations of women

all standing united.

Hey, Maxine, what were
y'all marching for?

Uh, there are
so many issues, Jerrod.

Women's rights
are literally under attack.

And if you don't know that,
then you're part of the problem.

(laughs): See?
I told y'all.

Where's Nekeisha?

She threw a can of Mountain Dew
at a congressman.

So they kept her

for a few questions.

She said it didn't have anything
to do with his speech,

it was a personal issue
and he knew what he did.

Ooh, that Nekeisha,
she's just a little firecracker.

VERNON:
Evelyn?

I'm tired of
talking about women.

I'm hungry.

Go and fix me something to eat.

I was just talking.

Well, wrap it up.

Okay, Vernon.

Okay, okay.

How can he just talk
to her like that?

And you think I'm
part of the problem.

Okay, Mom,
we're gonna go.

Dad, I love you.

JERROD: All right, Granddad.
Peace, Granddad.

CYNTHIA: Okay.
JERROD: It's been real.

MAXINE:
I had a great time today.

Bye, Grandma.
MAXINE: See you later.

BOBBY: Love you.
All right, black love.

Cynthia.
What is it, Ma?

I'm thinking about
divorcing your father.

VERNON:
Evelyn, shut the door.

We'll talk about it later.
What?

BOBBY: Hey, Grandma, you got
a dead squirrel on the porch.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

How could my mom ask me
should she divorce my father?

Who can answer that question?

I can.

He's a terrible husband
and her life

will become exponentially better

when she leaves him and
his toxic energy behind.

Hey, y'all got any more
of that chicken piccata?

Jerrod, don't talk about
your grandparents that way.

Yeah, that's their dynamic.

She does all
the cooking and cleaning,

he says nasty things to her
and makes her feel worthless.

And by the way, I finished that
chicken piccata last night.

Well, I like Granddad.
He's the only one in this family

who doesn't judge me.

He doesn't ask me
any questions about my life,

so he has no idea
how horrible I'm doing.

I'm sorry, Cynthia,
but I have to agree with Jerrod.

I mean, the way
your dad treats your mom,

I think that
she should leave him.

After 60 years
of marriage?

My mom is the happiest
person I know.

She's always baking cookies
and knitting.

Yeah, Ma, baking cookies and
knitting is something you do

when you're just trying
to kill time until you die.

Trust me, every hand‐knit
sweater is made by a woman

who's lost all hope.

But you know, Cynthia's right.
She can't leave him.

Do you know how hard
it is gonna be for her

to find a man her same age
who doesn't have Parkinson's?

You know I blame you
for this, Maxine.

What? How is this my fault?

Because you just had to push us
to have three generations

of women all marching together,
getting empowered.

Well, empowerment
is not for the elderly.

They can barely text.

You think they can handle
a new identity?

Clearly, your mother
has been thinking about this

for a long time; you don't
go to a march at 3:00 p. m.

and then, decide you want
to get a divorce at 5:00.

Well, that depends
on how good the march is.

What did Lena Dunham
say to y'all?

Also, isn't it a good thing
that your mom feels empowered?

I think it's great
that she wants

to try to make changes
in her life.

That shows
that she's still growing.

The elderly
aren't supposed to grow.

Their minds
are supposed to shrink

along with their ailing bodies.

And I don't feel like my mother
needs to be empowered

because I've never seen her
as weak.

She made a choice
to care for my father

and to raise her children,
which is the same choice I made.

Okay, but Joe doesn't treat you
the same way Vernon treats her.

I mean, he is, he is controlling
and oppressive.

Which is what the women of that
era were looking for, Maxine.

JOE: You know,
back in the '50s,

a violent and oppressive man,

that was considered,
like, a catch.

And if you could find
a violently oppressive doctor,

well, then, you were
the luckiest girl in the world.

Real question:
did women have self‐esteem

before Destiny's Child or not?

Look, I know Grandma thinks
divorce sounds good.

Because when you get divorced,
people love saying things,

like, "God will close one door,
but he'll open up a window."

But then you look
through that window,

and you see your ex
having sex with everybody.

My mom just has to remember
how good my dad has been.

I mean, I know he's demanding,

but he has always been
a great provider.

He has worked hard every day
and he even built the home

that we grew up in.

Yeah, well, Vernon
is in that grey area.

You know, it's hard to tell
your mom to leave a man

who has redeeming qualities.

I mean, look, I was lucky.

My dad beat me and my mom.

So that gave us
a lot of clarity.

Look, some grandpas
are worse than others,

but I think it's safe to say

that all grandfathers
are terrible people.

What? Jerrod, that's crazy.

Not all grandpas‐‐
my grandpa was very sweet.

He always had candy.

Mm‐hmm. Pedophile.

Yep. I mean, probably.

Who hurt you guys?

Our grandfathers.

Hey y'all.

Sorry I lost you
at the march.

Yeah, what happened
with the congressman?

Oh, we good. It was just
a little misunderstanding.

He thought just because he
was busy reforming healthcare,

he didn't have to text me back.

Nekeisha, are you, uh,
dating a congressman?

Mm‐hmm.
From the 99th District.

Just trying
to make change happen.

What's going on in here?

Well, my mother asked me
should she divorce my father.

What do you think,
Nekeisha?

Well, I think divorce is great.

Look at me, I'm divorcing my way
to the top.

I went from Bobby
to a congressman.

I'm just one divorce away
to being the first lady.

Divorce isn't right.

I mean, you make
a vow before God.

It should stand
for something.

Right, and it should
mean something, Mama.

And you tell
that congressman

he has lost the
Carmichael family vote.

I don't know, I kind of
like what he's doing

with the district.
I like what he's doing

with the healthcare.

Look, Cynthia, I know that
you don't believe in divorce,

but there are valid reasons
to end a marriage.

I mean, I would leave Jerrod

if I felt like
I wasn't being supported

or if I felt like
I wasn't being loved

or if we fell out of love.

And I'd leave Maxine
if she got sleep apnea.

I mean, I can deal
with a lot of things,

but I don't mess
with sleep apnea.

Well, if everyone adhered
to your loose guidelines,

half of all marriages
would end in divorce.

Uh, they do.

Half of all marriages
do end in divorce, Ma.

Maxine,
what have you done?

Your generation
has ruined the sanctity

of one of our
most beautiful traditions.

Well, I bet the gays don't
get as much divorce,

'cause they fought so long to
get married in the first place.

You ever stay longer at a place
'cause it took you a while

to find a good parking spot?

See, that's gay marriage.

I don't understand
why divorce has such a stigma.

I mean, we should celebrate
people who have the courage

to emotionally destroy someone
for their own benefit.

Well, look,
I applaud anybody

that sticks it out
through the hard times.

Like, take Mom and Dad
for instance.

Last month, Dad told Mom
that he had a secret son

that he lied about
for nearly 40 years.

She could've left.

But she didn't.

And look at them now.
They're more in love

than they've ever been.

That's what marriage
is all about.

Uh, thank you Bobby.
Thank you very much.

Well,

that was a difficult few days,
but your mama made it through.

Hold on now, what do you mean,
"It was a difficult few days,

and we made it through"?

Well, no, no, no, see,
w‐what I was, I was...

I mean that, like, in a good
way, I was saying. We, us,

as a, you know, as a couple.
We made it through, together.

No, we are trying
to make it through.

Okay. You know what
I meant though?

See, I was trying to say
as‐as‐as‐as‐as testament

to our relationship...
(clears throat)

...you were strong enough
to forgive me, you know.

And, uh, the rest is,

the rest is like water
under the bridge, it's...

JERROD:
Dad, Dad,

you've got to stop talking, man.

CYNTHIA:
Joe,

no, it is not just
water under the bridge.

I cannot believe
you just said that!

You know what?
Maybe these kids are right.

Maybe divorce should be
an option for everybody.

You know, I just...
I got to get out of here.

C‐Cynthia, Cynthia.

Don't you follow me.
Cynthia!

Cynthia!

Don't you listen to these kids,
these dumbass kids.

They stupid!

I'm not gonna apologize
for what I said,

but I will apologize
for the tone.

Mama.

Hey, sweetie.

Look, I'm making
one of those pussy hats

the women were wearing
at the march.

Hey, you want me
to make you one? A pussy hat?

Mom, stop saying
that word.

It's so embarrassing.

Listen, you cannot
leave him.

You can't get a divorce.
That's crazy.

You're just ruining
my whole life.

Don't you come in my house
acting like a teenager.

I am not acting
like a teenager!

I just hate this family!

(stammers)

What has gotten into you?

You lucky you too old for me
to send you to your room.

Oh, Mom.

(clicks tongue)
Oh, baby.

Mama, you really want
to divorce him?

I don't know.

It's hard to imagine
life without him.

VERNON: Evelyn, there's
a Mexican in the yard.

Sometimes it's easy.

How long have you
been thinking about it?

VERNON: Evelyn,
he's blowing leaves.

It's been awhile.

Ma...

does it make you weak
if you give up on a marriage

or is it weak to stay in one
that you're not happy in?

Baby, I don't know.

That's why I was
asking you.

(sighs)

Joe, he has a son...

from before
we were married

and I only found out
a month ago.

I haven't told you
because it's been so painful.

I... I don't know
what to do.

I'm sorry, baby.

I raised you to be a good wife
and stand by your husband,

just like I was
taught by my mother.

But maybe I should've
been telling you

that your own happiness
is just as important.

See, I'm just
learning that myself.

I don't know what
would make me happy.

(sighs)
I just know it hurts.

(clicks tongue)
Oh, precious.

Mom.

I know, baby,
it's okay.

VERNON: Evelyn, he's
still here! Do something.

Daddy, we're in
the middle of something!

Hey, Jerrod, I been
meaning to ask you this.

Do you shave your chest?

(knock on door)

What do you boys know about
blood pressure medication?

Mom still not home?

No, she spent the night
with your grandparents.

Now, she usually puts
the right pill on a napkin

next to my breakfast.

I‐I'm trying to
figure out

if I got high blood pressure
or low blood pressure.

I know your mama got one of them
and I got the other one.

I guess that's why y'all boys
got normal blood pressure.

Well, just take them all.

At your age,
there's no wrong pill.

You got any sandwiches?

No. I don't just keep premade
sandwiches around my apartment.

Well, your mama usually makes
me lunch, so I'm starving.

All right, fine.
What kind of bread you want?

We got organic whole wheat
or sprouted flax loaf.

Uh, forget about that.
Just give me the meat.

JERROD:
What kind of meat?

You want low‐sodium turkey
or tempeh bologna?

What is happening
to this country?

Never mind.

Dad, what are you
gonna do about Mom?

Shoot, I don't know.

I'm trying to figure it out,
but I'm so damn hungry.

If I could get some
protein in me,

maybe I could save my marriage.

Okay, Dad, I don't think
protein is your problem.

Oh, what do you know
about relationships?

Your generation

got it too easy.

What are you
talking about?

It's exhausting being
a good boyfriend these days.

You had it easy.

You started dating before
the age of social media.

Now, being a good boyfriend
is a 24‐hour job.

I got to respond to her on
Instagram, check out her Snaps,

send unsolicited happy texts
that say, "Thinking about you"

when I'm not.

I‐I bet you

if you look into it,
you'll see a correlation

between the rise
in the suicide rate

and boyfriends
having iPhones.

I don't know what your mama
wants from me here.

I mean, she knows I'm sorry.

Yeah, but, Dad,
maybe that's not enough.

You know something, Dad?

Maybe you should kill
your illegitimate son for her.

Hey, man, look, I thought
we was brainstorming here.

You say something,
then I say something.

Look, somebody else go.

Hey, Dad, is that a Band‐Aid
on the back of your head?

Yeah, I cut myself
shaving this morning.

Your mom usually takes
the head and neck hump.

(sighs)
Dad...

you're gonna die without Mom.

Yeah, I know.

I got to find a way
to work through this

and convince her
that I still love her.

Ooh. (whoops) Man.

Well, I figured out it's
low blood pressure that I got.

(sighs)

(groans)

You think he's okay to drive?

Yeah, he took both pills.
He'll be fine.

You know, one of these days
a Muslim ban is gonna stick.

I just hope I'm alive to see it.

(knock on door)

Hello, Joe.

We know about your son.

Well, I figured as much.

Evelyn, I need
to speak with Cynthia.

She's not here.
Go away.

Joe, what are
you doing here?

Look, Cynthia, I'm sorry
for not understanding.

And I want to make this
better for you.

Joe, this is all so hard.

And I need you
to understand.

You didn't get anyone pregnant
on your way over here, did you?

(chuckles)

Vernon, just eat your cookies.

Mm.

Joe, just because I don't
talk about it all the time,

doesn't mean
that I'm okay.

I mean, there are
times when I'm angry

and sometimes I'm
sad and confused,

and then, there are days where
I think it's getting better,

but others, it
gets so painful.

I‐I feel I can, I
can barely take it.

Well, look, I'm sorry.

I'm not proud of this.

I guess it was something I just
thought I could get behind me,

but I realize that's
not gonna happen now.

So, I'm here, Cynthia.

And anything you need to do‐‐
you want to get angry or sad

or throw things at my head‐‐
whatever you need.

I realize now
there's no end to this.

I'll end it.

Evelyn, get my gun.

EVELYN:
Vernon.

At least Joe's here, wanting
to work through their problems.

He can admit his shortcomings

and‐and be sensitive
to her needs.

Oh, you like it
because he's sensitive?

You know what that makes him?

A homosexual.

Daddy!
What?

You'll see.
(chuckles)

One day he's gonna
move down to Miami

and just let it all hang out.

Daddy!

Vernon!

Vernon, just shut up.
Just shut up right now.

You're disrespectful
and out of line

and it stops right now.

Don't talk to me
like that, woman.

Cynthia,
you two go on home.

Are you sure?
EVELYN: Yes.

You and Joe have something
worth fighting for.

Thank you, Mom.
I love you, Mom.

I love you, too, Daddy.
Y'all be good to each other.

But wait a minute,
I want to see what happens.

Come on, Joe!

Have you lost your damn mind?

Vernon, I'm leaving you.

What?

(whispering):
Hi, uh, Joe.

I think, uh, Cynthia
left something.

I don't know
how living together

while being divorced
can work.

Look, don't you
worry, Grandma.

It's gonna be
hard at first,

but you'll get
used to it.

You just need to lay
some basic ground rules,

like don't share food.

You let him go buy

his own damn
Lean Cuisine.

And if the hair trap
needs to be cleaned out,

don't you touch it.

It's her hair.

You let her do it.

And hide your exfoliant.

Now, he gonna act like
he don't know what it is,

but when you get home, all your
products gonna be missing

and his skin's gonna
be mysteriously soft.

Look, Granddad, this is
more of a tip than a rule.

When she starts sleeping
with other dudes,

and she will,

you get you some
Bose headphones

so you can just
drown out the sound.

And the only thing
you got to worry about

is the pain of knowing what's
happening in that next room.

I hope I die soon.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org