All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e05_English

The Carmichael Show is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Me first, Mama. Now,
after years of trying

and failing and
trying again,

I finally found you
the perfect birthday gift.

Okay, Bobby,
don't put too much on it.

Ooh. Luther Vandross's

entire box set.

Vanilla scented candles,
some bubble bath.

Ooh, and some chocolate covered
strawberries.

Oh, Bobby, these
are great gifts

if you're trying to
seduce our mother.

Look, Jerrod, diminishing
sex life in elderly couples

is the number one
cause of divorce.

Is that what you want?
Sexless divorced parents?

See, that's why Bobby,
you my favorite.

You're not only my son,
but you my wingman.

Body oil.
Ooh.

I can't wait
for your birthday

to turn into
your birth‐night.

(laughs)
Come here, girl.

(smooches)

Boys,

we might just give you
a little brother

on this couch.

(laughs)

Sorry.

All right,

happy birthday,
Cynthia.

We wanted to be sure to get you
something really special.

Oh, look at
this fancy bag.

It's all shiny
and metallic.

I like it so far.

What is this?

This is a limited
first edition hardcover

of Jacqueline Kennedy's
biography.

MAXINE: Yeah, you know, 'cause
you're always talking about

how pretty she was
and how much you admire her.

I don't understand.

Have I wronged
you in some way?

(laughs):
What? No.

You know what would be a better
gift than that? A Kindle.

See, while you're pretending
to read, you can enjoy the apps,

the games, the e‐mails,
and more.

Oh.
Yes, a Kindle
can do it all.

And I heard that you
can even watch movies

on those things now.

Oh, can you imagine
me with a Kindle?

Oh, some day.

Sure, Kindles are fine, but
what's wrong with a book?

Jerrod, don't make me
say that out loud.

Say what out loud?

You really gonna make her
say it out loud?

On her birthday?

Say what out loud?
What are you guys talking about?

Look, Jerrod,
your gift is stupid...

...because black people
don't read like that.

Why do you make him say
these kind of things?
Mm‐hmm.

Okay, you're joking, right?
'Cause that's the most

racist thing
I've ever heard.

(squeals):
Oh, Joe!

You got me a Kindle
movie watcher.

(laughs)

Oh, I could
just cry.
(laughs)

See, that's why I set
the Kindle up before, you know?

I set my pins up
and I knock 'em down!

♪ ♪

You guys have the audacity
to say

"black people
don't read like that"?

W‐What does that even mean?

Well, we read
some things.

Like if I'm at the dentist's
office and my phone dies,

I may scan through
a copy of Essence

or read a pamphlet
on tooth decay.

Yeah, look,
let's me honest, man.

Black people didn't start
going to the library

until the library got Internet.

Facts.
Those are not facts.

Okay, this is
incredibly insulting.

Well, that's why black people
like The Cosby Show so much.

It was just mystical seeing
all those people reading

and being doctors.

It took me to a
fantastical place

I'd never been before.

The Cosby Show
was my Star Wars.

Uh, The Cosby Show
was supposed to be

a realistic portrayal
of a black family.

No...

Is that what they
were going for?

You think we proud of this?

No, this is an embarrassment
that black people would rather

sweep under the rug,
like Stacey Dash.

Okay. This is all just a
offensive generalization.

Black people read all the time.

Jerrod reads, I read.

Well, that's one
and a half black people.

I mean, those are not
record‐breaking numbers, Maxine.

And to be totally
honest, Maxine,

I wasn't gonna even
read my birthday cards.

Happy birthday,
Cynthia.

Oh, thank you, Nekeisha.

JERROD:
Nekeisha, Nekeisha, please,

answer this question for us,
okay?

How many black people
do you know that read?

Uh, you mean, like,

when they
don't have to?
Yes.

Like, reading
just for fun?
Yes.

You mean, like,
reading just to read?

Yes, Nekeisha, reading
for the sake of reading.

Mm, that's a tough one.

Does Essence Magazine count?

Told you.

Th‐that's nothing
to be proud of.

For all your bragging
about reading,

your knowledge of black people
is on a fifth grade level.

Yeah, Jerrod, why you acting
like this is news?

Listen, there are some things
black people just don't do.

No. No, no, Dad.

We do not have a set of
rules we need to abide by.

Sure we do.

We don't ski.
Mm‐mm.

We don't let dogs lick
all up on our faces.
Oh, no.

And under no circumstances

do we ever, ever
drive a Subaru.

You know, they say dogs' mouths
are cleaner than humans,

but I think white
people just saying that

to justify their actions.

See, there's all sorts
of rules, Jerrod.

Like, you got to say
all black movies are good,

even if they bad.

Yeah, yeah. You got to
assume all cops are bad,

even when they good.

We don't like halibut.

Well, we don't
eat halibut.

Okay, no one eats halibut.
It's a very dry fish.

Okay, sorry. I was just
getting a little frustrated.

JERROD:
So, wait.

You guys really want
to live in a world

where black people
only do things

other black
people approve of?

Oh, I love black approval.
JOE: Yeah.

Mm‐hmm. Nothing
wrong with that.

See, Jerrod, these rules,
they have purpose.

They bind us
as a community.

They unite us against
the threat of a white culture

that brought us here
as slaves.

Dad, that's the most
eloquent explanation

I've ever heard for not reading.

You know, it would be nice if
we could just say what we think

without black people getting
mad. Like this one time,

when I went to
the hair salon,

and I said Michelle
Obama should smile more,

and the bitch cut
me with scissors.

Mmm.

JOE:
Well, now,

if you gonna talk smack
about Michelle,

prepare to get cut.

JERROD:
No, Pop.

Nekeisha should be able
to think and say

whatever she wants
without judgment.

We all should.
I mean, Ma,

I know you got a
thought in there

that black people
wouldn't approve of.

I do, but I don't want
to say it out loud.

Ooh, I wouldn't
mind hearing this.

"Unpopular black thoughts."

It sound like
a fun podcast.

(scoffs) Cynthia,
you're in a safe place.

No one here's
gonna judge you.

Yeah, Ma, go ahead.
Free yourself.

Fine.

(clears throat)

I don't think Denzel Washington
is that talented an actor.

He just plays Denzel
in every movie.

I'm just asking
for a little range.

Look, Mom, wow,
you've been holding onto that.

Yeah. I've got that
off my chest.

I feel a lot lighter,
less stressed.

(laughs)

I bet you all this
suppression is what

causes high blood pressure
in the black community.

Who else has an unpopular
black thought?

Bobby, I know
you got something.

Are we doing this?

Now, look, one day,

there was a bunch of young black
dudes standing near my car.

And you know what I did?

I went back
in their Starbucks,

got me a Peppermint
Hot Chocolate,

and I waited
that thing out.

Well, Bobby, that one was
definitely a little racist,

but you got every
right to say it.

You didn't see
them boys, Jerrod.

Look, this is good.

I feel like we're making
so much progress, right?

You know what? Instead
of going to Niecy's,

like we always do
for your birthday, Ma,

let's go somewhere else.

Every year, we go to Niecy's
for my birthday,

ever since Coretta Scott King

ate there
for her birthday, 1972.

Niecy's is a staple
in the black community.

But let's break the rules.
Niecy's will be there.

We can go anywhere.

We can even go to
Florentine's if you want.

Florentine's?

No...

We can't eat at Florentine's.

Could we?

Why can't we?

Because black people
don't eat there, that's why.

We barely even drive
through the neighborhood.

Come on, Dad. We got to
stop thinking like that.

Florentine's is a
great restaurant.

And you would like it
and it's Mom's birthday.

You think we can even
get reservations?

It's so last minute.

Yeah. My buddy, Drew,
from high school,

his family
owns the place.

All I got to do
is text him.

I'm sure he can
get us in.

Oh, my God,
are we doing this?

We are crossing
racial barriers

that this family
has never crossed before.

Oh, I know how
Sidney Poitier felt

when he got that Oscar.

Ooh!

Now, that's an
actor with range.

(sighs) I'm gonna go upstairs
and put on an even nicer outfit!

I cannot believe
my little brother

is getting us
into Florentine's.

I knew you going to
the integrated high school

would pay off some day.

Yeah, I'm taking my
wife to Florentine's.

You paying for
this, right?

Oh, this place is nice!

They keep their Christmas lights
up the whole year round.

Man, Niecy's don't even
have a doorman.

Mm, last time I was at Niecy's,
they didn't have a door.

Any place where the employees
look happy makes me suspicious.

Well, I want
to see the bathroom.

I bet they have
granite countertops

and those paper towels
that are more towels than paper.

Baby, grab some of those
for the house, please.

Okay, baby. I will.

DREW:
Yo!

Look at this guy.
What up, man?

Hey, thanks so much for
getting us in here, my man.

Hey, anything
for you, my nigga.

You know that.

All right,
I got to run.

We're gonna take
great care of you.

Yeah.

BOBBY:
Jerrod,

what the hell was that?

There it is. I'm out.

Remember when I told you
black people don't eat here

and you asked me why?

(pops)

Your server will be over to take
your drink orders shortly.

Enjoy your meal.
Thank you.

Why do you guys
keep staring at me like that?

Come on. Just sit down.
Everything's fine.

Don't ruin Mom's birthday.

(sighs)

So you gonna just let white
people call you "nigga," huh?

I knew you shouldn't have went
to that integrated high school.

I guess we better
get out of here.

No, Dad, Dad, Dad.

All right, you're overreacting.
We don't have to leave.

Okay, Drew is my friend.

That's just how we talk.
I'm completely cool with it.

Jerrod, when a white man
uses the "N" word,

that is a fire alarm
in a burning building

that you need to get out of.

Maxine, will you please
tell them they're overreacting?

No, your dad is
absolutely right.

I'm‐I'm not comfortable
eating at a place

where one of the owners
casually says that word.

You know, we don't
have to be outraged

every time we hear the word,
all right?

That's just another black rule

that hurts us
more than it helps us.

Ooh, this place,
it's incredible!

There was a container of
mints in the bathroom.

I almost took one.

Can you imagine
how nice a place is

if you want to eat
in the bathroom?

What? Where's
Nekeisha?

Why you all so silent?

(clicks tongue)
I'm sorry, Cynthia,

but we have to leave.

Ow!

Why would you want
to take me away

from a nice place
like this?

Tell me.
Why, Maxine? Why?!

JERROD:
Maxine,

don't upset Mom on her birthday.

That's right. Do not
upset Mom on her birthday.

And don't tell me
no bad news.

I don't care if
it's a terrorist attack,

I don't want
to hear about it.

We'll pray for the victims
and the family after we eat.

Well, unfortunately, it's much
worse than a terrorist attack.

Jerrod was racially slurred
when you were in the bathroom.

Lord, no!
On my birthday?

I'm afraid so.

Dad, stop.
I wasn't slurred, okay?

Yes, my friend Drew
called me "nigga,"

but he said it in a sweet
and loving type of way.

Jerrod, you know
I don't like that word at all,

but we cannot stop your
generation from saying it.

Yeah, Mom,
but it's a twist to it.

Drew is white.

(gasps)
Sweet shepherd of Jesus!

On my birthday?

Jerrod, how can you be so
nonchalant about that word?

It has such an intense
history of hate.

It's the last word that
so many black people heard

as they were being
hung from trees.

Okay, I don't think the problem

in that scenario
is the word, Maxine.

I think it's the hanging.

All right?
If you ask me,

the black community gets
way too caught up on that word.

It's just a distraction.

We should focus on things
that actually matter,

like, I don't know,
voter suppression,

instead of Hulk Hogan,
or Dog the Bounty Hunter,

or Justin Timberlake
saying the "N" word.

Oh, no!
JT said it, too?

Well, he hasn't said it...

yet, but come on.

Look, the point is,

you guys saying black people
don't read like that

is way more offensive than
someone saying the "N" word.

I've known Drew
for a really long time.

He's had nothing
but black friends.

He's dated nothing
but black girls.

I mean, the man has on
a fresh pair of Jordan 11's

with a suit right now.

He's embraced black culture
more than anyone.

Well, just because you
appropriate our culture

doesn't mean that
you can use our words.

He is not black.

And if you haven't experienced
the pain of that word,

then you do not have
the right to say it.

CYNTHIA:
She is right, Jerrod.

They called me that word
when I was the only black girl

in my fifth grade class.

I went to school every day
knowing that I was not welcome,

and that's
what that word is.

It's a sign
that you are not welcome.

Well, I'm sorry you had to
go through that, Cynthia.

You know what, I'm just
gonna go and get our coats,

and I will meet
you all out front.

We just can't
stay, Jerrod.

Why is it
every time Maxine is right,

we all have to suffer?

Yeah, we should have just gone
to Niecy's.

Ooh, but it's gonna be hard
to eat there

after I have experienced

all this elegance today.

You guys sound like you don't
actually want to leave.

Do you really want to

or do you just feel obligated to
as black people?

Well, I feel obligated.

You see how mad Maxine is
and she only half black.

Does that mean I got
to be double angry?

Well, yeah, those are the rules.

Your anger has to match
your melanin.

Jerrod, look at your skin.

You should be furious right now.

Enjoy.

Damn, that bread looks warm.
You think they made it in‐house?

Of course they made it in‐house.

Look at the cartoonish
amount of steam

rising off the backs
of them rolls.

God, I'm hungry.

You know, Dad,
if you want a roll,

you could just
take a roll.

Oh, what a dilemma.

This must be what it felt like

to sit at that
Woolworth's counter in the '60s.

I'm just gonna...
Joe.

...have a bite, 'cause,
you know, my blood sugar's low.

Mmm. This is for you,
Greensboro Four.

This is for all the lunches
you were never served.

Good God.

They're pretzel rolls, baby.
Oh!

A pretzel roll?
Mmm.

Very ambitious.

This restaurant is
taking some swings.

CYNTHIA:
Mm‐hmm.

Oh, nailed it.

This makes the oppression
go down a whole lot easier.

Mmm.

Uh, why are you
guys still sitting?

I was waiting
out front.

Now, look, Maxine,
I know what we said

about oppression
and us having the integrity

to stand up for ourselves
as black people.

But that's before
I tried this pretzel roll.

This is honey butter, Maxine.

I'm sure you should be able to
relate to this dilemma, right?

What?

Would you like
sparkling water or still?

Oh, why would you even ask?

Of course we'd like
the sparkling.

Mmm!

It tastes like
healthy Sprite.

Would you care to hear
about our specials today?

Um, can you just please
give us a second?

Of course.
Take your time.

Maxine, don't you see

that by making a big deal
about this word,

you're just giving it power?

You're basically giving someone
a weapon to hurt you with.

I mean, we can't control
who says the word,

but we can control
our reaction to it.

You know what I think?
I think everyone

should just use the word
constantly.

So much until it dilutes
its power,

makes it meaningless.

I'll know we've come a long way
as a nation

the day I turn on Ellen
and she says,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
my nigga, Bruno Mars."

And all the soccer moms
in the audience cheer.

Well, Jerrod
makes a good point.

Look, in ninth grade,

my friend, Kevin, was called
that word by a white guy,

and he beat his face
until it was unrecognizable.

Just the way I taught you boys.
I am so proud of Kevin.

Yeah, but Kevin got expelled.

And you know
what he's doing now?

Selling drugs?

Maxine, that is racist.

But that's exactly
what he's doing.

Look, you see, Maxine?
This is exactly what I mean.

Obsessing over the word
just ruins people's lives.

Now, the only people
you'll be punishing

by making us take a stance
against this restaurant

is my family, who won't be able

to eat a nice meal
on my mom's birthday.

No, the people who are punished
are the victims of that word.

(sighs)

You know, I don't know if
I told you this, but...

when I was 16, my swim team
made it all the way

to the state championship.

And just before the final meet,

a white kid
from the other team yelled,

"Hey, what are you doing here?

'N' words can't swim."

Except he actually
said the word.

And it zapped all my confidence.

That day, I swam the worst time
of my entire life.

I was so upset that I...

eventually quit swim team.

Wait. That was your story?

That wasn't inspiring at all.

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be
a story of triumph, Maxine.

Yeah, why are you telling us

your story of not rising
to the occasion?

This is a story of how damaging

that word can be
to someone's spirit.

It is used to humiliate us,

and we can't just ignore
that fact

because we like a dinner roll!
DREW: Hey, Jerrod.

I'm just checking in.
Now, be sure to let me know

if you need any...
Hey!

We are not niggers!

Maxine is right.

We should probably leave.

I can't believe we are back up
in Niecy's again.

They still got a sandwich
named after O. J. Simpson.

What the hell are we doing
in here?

Well, we're definitely
not allowed back

at Florentine's
any time soon.

Yeah. I've been
sitting here 30 minutes

and nobody's come over
for my drink order.

(sighs)

Look, I'm sorry that
I got us kicked out.

But, you know,
they didn't deserve

our business anyway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We already heard about your
failed swimming career, Maxine.

Look, I don't know

if white people should
be saying the "N" word,

but I definitely know
Maxine shouldn't say it.

The way you said it,
it hurt my soul.

JOE:
Hear! Hear!

I'd like to toast to that,

but we haven't gotten
our drinks yet.

Maxine, why did you have to
put the "E‐R" on the end?

Yeah.

Drew didn't say it
like that.

There was actual hate
in your voice when you said it.

Yours is like
the curb‐stomping scene

from American History X.

It wasn't hate
towards black people.

It was hate towards
your friend.

Well, Maxine, hate is hate,
and it's hurtful on all of us.

Excuse me.

Would you happen to have
some sparkling water?

WAITER:
Come on.

You know we ain't got
no sparkling water.

Yeah, I‐I know.

Well, could I have
a Sprite?

We got Pepsi.

Oh, Lord,
I miss Florentine's.

Got me on my birthday,

up here eating
with all these niggas.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org