All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e02_English

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Dad, Donald Trump
is the president

of the United States.

That's crazy, right?

I mean, it still
looks like an ad

for The Apprentice to me.

Hey, Cordell.

Tony... I see that
salt and pepper

in your hair, man.

You gettin' up there, boy.

Dad, how often do you come

to this army recruiting center?

Well, I come here
about once a week.

I like to drop off doughnuts,

show my appreciation.

You haven't taken Mom
on a date in six months,

and you come here
once a week?

I bring your mama doughnuts,
too.

Wait a minute,
is that Kevin Wilson?

I didn't know
he joined the army.

Oh, you mean that kid
that lived down the block?

Well, so it is.

Well, give him a doughnut

and thank him
for his service.

No. I don't like
Kevin Wilson.

None of us do.

He's an arrogant bastard
who used to

beat Bobby up
all the time.

Okay, come on, man,
I mean,

we scrapped a few times
here and there.

You know, it was
mostly fifty‐fifty‐‐

he'll win some,
and I'll win some.

Oh, no, Bobby,
you never won.

Remember, you had
to transfer schools

just to get him
to stop.

Yeah, he did used
to whup your ass.

Well, I'm sure
he's changed now.

They're not gonna let
some violent man

who likes to bully
other people into the army.

What are you talking about, Dad?
That has to be, like,

75% of the army.

He got my friend
Stacy pregnant

and has done nothing
to help raise that kid.

He used to wear his sunglasses
on the back of his head.

He drinks Monster
Energy drinks.

The man's a terrible person,
case closed.

Yeah, well, he's a troop now.

And those uniforms,
they're like

a cloak of forgiveness.

Even the worst
troop is better

than the greatest
civilian.

If I were walking home tonight

and I got jumped by a troop,

I would be thankful I gave him
the extra training.

Kevin.

Mr. Carmichael.

(laughs)

So, when'd you
join the army?

Just finished basic
training last week.

Hey, Bobby.
Hey, man.
All right, quit playing.

Hey, Jerrod.
Kevin.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank
you for your service.

I'm not thanking you
for your service.

You used to beat
my brother up.

This guy? We just always
used to have fun.

No, you didn't.

Look at his face;
he is terrified right now.

No, I'm not.
I'm cool.

Jerrod, quit bringing up
old bidness.

Now, Kevin, I am proud
of the man that you have become.

And we all know
you're gonna go out there

and kill all the bad hombres
and make us proud.

Thank you,
Mr. Carmichael.

You know, I just
woke up one morning

and felt there was a greater
calling for my life.

I decided to join something
bigger than myself.

I wake up before
the sun rises

just to get to work protecting
this country from threats

you can't even imagine.

You just completed
basic training.

You learned how to do
sit‐ups and make the bed.

I don't expect you
to understand

the type of responsibility
this takes, Jerrod,

but you don't have to.

Because there will always
be people like me

to take care of
people like you.

Kevin, what's the real
reason you joined the army?

Was it the easiest way to get
respect you don't deserve,

or are you just trying
to avoid fatherhood?

You don't have
to answer him, Kevin.

He is just a scrawny,
rude civilian.

It's cool, Mr. Carmichael.

Jerrod, for starters,
I joined because

I love my country.
Loves his country.

And I wanted to give
something back.

Give something back.

You know,
make a sacrifice.

Sacrifice!

Daddy, it's like
you're his hype man.

Jerrod, no more
disrespecting Kevin.

Kevin is a good soldier

on his way to
achieving greatness.

Now, thank him for his service

and give this man a doughnut.

Fine.

Kevin, thank you
for your service,

you arrogant deadbeat dad.

Hmm, um,

cinnamon sugar
or jelly?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Do you know how
un‐American you are right now?

Now, why don't you just
go up to Arlington

and piss all over
JFK's eternal flame?

Cynthia... come on in here

so we can shame Jerrod.

What's going on?

Joe, what happened?

You remember
Kevin Wilson,

the boy that used to
live down the street?

The same Kevin Wilson
that got my friend

Stacy pregnant, and then
abandoned her and the baby.

Oh, Kevin, he's the worst.

I saw Stacy crying in the mall
just the other day

'cause she couldn't afford
to buy her baby a pretzel.

I wanted to help her, but
it was so sad and messy,

I didn't want
to get involved.

Well, Kevin was the worst,
but now he joined the army.

He's a troop now, Cynthia.

Oh, Kevin is a troop now.

Well, God bless him,
and God bless America.

Wait, wait, wait,
weren't you just talking about

how sad it was that his
poor, abandoned child

couldn't get a pretzel?

Kevin is fighting for
the country now, Maxine.

I guess that pretzel
is the sacrifice

that baby had to make.

Well, Mama,
Jerrod refused

to‐to thank Kevin
for his service.

Instead, he cursed him out
in front of everybody.

It was crazy.
JERROD:
No, no, no.

I think it's crazier
that Bobby thanked him

after Kevin used to
beat him up all the time.

Look, Jerrod,
everybody knows this.

You have to thank a troop
for their service.

That's just the way
you do things, okay?

Look, let me tell you
what happened to me.

Nekeisha slept with a Marine
last week, okay?

As he was leaving,
I thanked him for his service.

You did the right thing, Bobby.

Be patriotic.

Well, maybe it's my fault

that I let you boys
form your own opinions

when I should have been
ramming my opinions

down your throat.

Should have seen this coming
when you got suspended

from elementary school
for refusing to say

the Pledge of Allegiance.

It is ridiculous to ask a kid

to pledge allegiance
to anything.

They wanted me
to vow loyalty to a country

six months after I found out
Santa Claus wasn't real.

This is America
we're talking about.

It's not like we ask you to say

the Pledge of Allegiance
to some crappy country

like Slovakia.

That would be ridiculous.

I mean, I don't even think
they got a pledge in Slovakia.

If I lived in Slovakia,
I'd kill myself.

Joe, you can't call
Jerrod unpatriotic

just because he didn't
thank some guy

who sounds like a real jerk.

And I love
that Jerrod

didn't pledge allegiance
to the flag when he was a kid.

I think the most patriotic
thing an American can do

is question authority.

Well, I think the most American
thing for Americans to do

is to shut up and do
what the American leaders

tell them to do.

JOE:
Jerrod,

by not thanking Kevin
for his service,

you have spit in the face
of all the brave men and women

who are at war right now
fighting for your freedom.

You don't even know what
you're talking about.

Do you even know who
we're at war with right now?

Of course I know who
we're at war with!

Iraq, Iran, um...

Eurasia.

I'm pretty sure we got some boys
over there in Pakistan

and that Afghanistan.

You got to watch them 'stans.

Them 'stans will
sneak up on you.

Oh, Daddy,
what about Aleppo?

There's something
going on in Aleppo.

Oh, yeah, Aleppo, too.

We got a lot of bad guys
we got to get out

of that Aleppo right now.

Oh, yeah, I think
we're gonna have to just

wipe out Aleppo completely

and, uh, start over.

I mean, uh, it's a shame,

but we got to do it.

You know, it's fine to
just say "I don't know."

It don't matter who
we're at war with.

Just know they had it coming.
What?!

They had it coming?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Did you forget that we
invaded Iraq over a lie?

Oh, please, spare me the

"we invaded Iraq
over a lie" nonsense.

I told you why we went!

Iraq had oil.

Now, these terrorists were gonna
do bad things with that oil.

So we had to go
over there,

stop them, get the oil,

and return the oil to freedom.

Mission accomplished.

Look, America does a lot
of terrible things,

but we'll never improve
as a country

if we get called un‐American
every time we criticize it.

You know, when I was in college,

I made a point that we shouldn't
celebrate Columbus Day anymore

because of all the terrible
things that Columbus did

to the Native Americans,

and then someone spray‐painted
the word "Communist" on my car.

Good. They should've
slashed your tires

while they were there.

Look, Maxine,

it was either
the Native Americans

or the real Americans;
one of them had to go.

Yeah, and we took
all of their land,

but we named a lot of
our sports teams after them,

and I think that's nice.

Look, does this country have
a history of doing evil things?

Of course.

But there is a necessary evil.

And that has led us to being

the greatest nation
in the world.

Okay, but, Dad,
you can't just excuse

all of America's injustices.

I mean, do I need to bring up
the elephant in the room?

We are black.

Oh... there it is.

Now you done played
the slavery card.

Dad, it's not a card, all right?

It's a real thing that happened.

I just think,
when it comes to slavery,

you need to see the big picture.

Dad, are...

are you about
to defend slavery right now?

Joe?

Daddy?

I am not defending slavery.

Slavery is the darkest shame
on the history of America.

Oh, good, thank God.
Whew. Took a turn
there for a minute.

Yeah, I was worried.

However...
Uh‐oh.

... let me just
say this.

If it hadn't been for slavery,
we'd still be in Africa.

Probably starving to death.

Probably wind up on one
of them infomercials

begging some family from Ohio

to sponsor us
for 98 cents a day.

What‐‐ what kind of food

can you get
for 98 cents a day?

What are we sending
them, a pack of gum?

Uh‐oh, Jerrod?

Kevin just pulled up outside.

What is he doing here?

Well, Jerrod offended him,
and he's come for revenge.

Now, the parent in me
wants to protect you,

but the patriot in me is
thinking you probably deserve

what you're about to get.

Joe, he's going
into his trunk.

What if he's
got a gun?

Oh, no, he's just
putting his coat away.

J‐Jerrod, you'd
better hide, okay?

Kevin fought like a soldier
in middle school.

(knocks on door)
Okay, should we be nervous?

Sorry to intrude,
Mr. Carmichael.
Ha‐ha! Kevin!

Come on in,
come on in.

Listen, Kevin,
I know my son

is a coward, and I
should step aside

and let you punch
him in the face,

but just know this‐‐

I have just lectured
him on the importance

of loving his country

and supporting all
the brave men and women

who are
sacrificing for us

in all branches
of the Armed Forces.

Mr. Carmichael, I'm actually
the one here to apologize.

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Hello, Kevin. Thank you
for not murdering my son.

I wanted to talk
to you, Bobby.

I just want to
say I'm sorry.

I never saw myself
as a bully,

but I thought about
what Jerrod said

and I apologize if I ever
did anything to hurt you.

Thank you, Kevin.
That means a lot.

Just when I thought this man
couldn't get more heroic.

And, Jerrod, no hard feelings
about the way you acted.

Oh, no, Kevin,
I thought about it and...

completely cool
with the way I acted.

Kevin, I couldn't
be more proud of you

if you were
my own son.

And if there
is anything

I can do while
you are over there

fighting for your country,
just name it.

I appreciate that.

Just name it, Kevin,
and I will claim it.

Because Joe Franklin Carmichael
supports the troops.

Well, there is
one thing I need.

I'm being deployed
to Afghanistan tomorrow

and I haven't been able to
find someone to watch my dog

while I'm gone.

Ooh, a dog?

Ooh, a dog sounds fun.

Hi, I'm Maxine;
no one introduced me

'cause they were afraid
you were here to kill Jerrod.

Joe, tell him we are
not dog people.

We're not into dogs like that.

Oh, don't worry
about it.

I know it's
a big ask.

No, no, no,
no, no, Kevin,

there's not an ask too big
when it comes to my dad,

especially with
the military.

In fact, before you got here,
he was just lecturing us

on the importance of
supporting the troops.

Ain't that right, Dad?

Man, it would mean a
lot knowing Lincoln

was safe while
I'm gone.

This dog
is my heart.

Lincoln? Your dog's
name is Lincoln?

That is
a patriotic name.

What type
of dog is it?

Golden Retriever.

Dad...

a Golden Retriever.

Kevin, it would be my honor
to watch your dog.

Oh, seriously?
Thanks, Mr. Carmichael.

You saved me.

The six months will
fly by, I promise.

I'll go get him out the
car so you can meet him.

Joe, are you crazy?

Yeah, Daddy, you hate dogs.

Yeah, but we've never
had a dog before.

Because we hate them!

We ain't gonna have a
problem with this dog.

We're just gonna
serve our country

and protect Kevin's dog 'cause
it's the right thing to do.

(barks)

Oh, God, he's hideous.

CYNTHIA: Joe, I'm coming
down the stairs.

Is the dog tied up?
He don't need to be tied up.

Joe, put the dog outside.

You know I can't stand dogs
in my house.

He's not an
outside dog, Cyn.

Kevin said, "This is
not an outside dog."

It's an outside dog
if you put it outside.

You can't turn an inside dog
into an outside dog.

That's like
gay conversion therapy.

You just need to accept
him the way he is.

Joe, there is a spirit inside
this dog that just is not right.

Last night
while we were making love,

he came inside the room
and watched us.

And his eyes rolled up
in the back of his head.

Well, next time,
we'll just close the door.

Well, he's just gonna
sit outside and listen!

So what if he listens?
He can't tell nobody

'cause he's just a damn dog.

Joe, I can't believe that
you are doing this.

We had a happy home until

you brought this evil,
perverted dog up in here.

I don't want him here, either.

I'm just trying to prove
a point to Jerrod.

I‐I'd rather this dog maul
both me and you

than have that lanky bastard
thinking he's right.

What if Kevin dies?

Are we gonna be stuck
with this dog forever?

Well, if Kevin dies,
then we put the dog outside.

Hey. So, how are things
going with the dog?

Oh, we love this dog.

That is not a dog.
That is a demon.

That has a demon's spirit,
and I want it out of my house!

Well, your mama's
taking a little time

to get used to the dog,

but we're gonna have a good time
with this dog, I can tell.

CYNTHIA:
Oh, Joe!

You're letting him lick
all on your face.

It makes me
just want to throw up!

Well, I can't help
how the dog choose

to show his damn love, Cynthia.

Oh...
Dad, you know

you don't have to keep this dog

if you don't want to.

This is what loving your country

looks like, Jerrod.

Dad, just admit it.

You're not doing this
because you love the troops;

you're only doing it
to prove a point to me.

This really isn't about you,
Jerrod.

This is about
the brave men and women

who are fighting
for our freedom.

I am a proud American.

I will do anything I can
to support the troops.

Hey, y'all. I've
been calling you.

Why you ain't pick
up the phone?

We had to unplug the phone.

Every time it rings, we have to
give this dog an anxiety pill,

and they cost $75 a bottle.

Well, I was trying to tell you
about Bobby.

What about Bobby?

He went to join the army.
What?

Oh, no, my baby!

He's too frail
for military life.

And he's definitely the type
to get PTSD.

He already screams
in his sleep now,

and that's just
if he ate something spicy.

We're not gonna let him
do this to himself.

Wait a minute, what happened
to loving the military

and supporting the troops?

Well, that's what
the doughnuts are for.

They make us feel less guilty
knowing we never had to

make any real sacrifices
ourselves.

Look, everybody has a limit.

And my limit is
taking care of that creepy dog.

There, I said it. You happy now?

Actually, yeah,
it's incredibly fulfilling.

Joe, go bring my baby home.

I will. He got friendly fire
written all over him.

Bobby.

Daddy?

Bobby, what are you thinking?

What are you guys doing here?

We came here to tell you
that joining the army

is the biggest mistake you
gonna make in your life.

Dad, why are you telling me
I'm making a mistake?

You didn't tell Kevin
he was making a mistake.

Okay, I see. I know
you're looking at Kevin

thinking he's a hero,
thinking you can be one, too.

But heroes need
regular people to save.

Bobby, you are
not Kevin, okay?

I don't even like him,
but he's built like a soldier

and you
are built like...

someone made for
customer service.

Look here, okay?
I'm not trying to be like Kevin.

Then why are you here?

Because of you.
What?

(sighs)
Look, growing up,

I always wanted
to make you proud.

And it seemed like it
never happened, not even once.

And I see the way
you look at Kevin

and all these soldiers
around here.

And I realized
this was my opportunity

to become the son
that you always wanted

and make you proud.

Bobby, why are you
wasting so much damn time

trying to
make me proud?

That's why you never
accomplished anything.

Look at your brother.

He don't give a damn
what I think about him.

He's right. I don't.

In fact, I usually ask myself
"What would make Dad proud?"

Then I just do
the opposite.
See?

And that makes me feel
ashamed of him.

We got a thing
and it works.

(sighs) But I love the way
you talk about this country.

It just makes me want to be
a better American.

I do love this country,
but I don't trust your life

in the hands of
this government.

I love you too much.

Now, look,

I know you're looking
around this room,

seeing all these posters,
getting all hyped up

and inspired,
thinking you can do anything.

But you can't.

You wasn't made
for the battlefield!

Look at this man.
This is your president.

I voted for him
and even I know he's crazy.

There are gonna be
so many wars.

You could die
out there.

And so could all these
people up in here, too!

And for what?
Nothing!

Everybody's gonna die
for nothing!

We‐we, um, we're just gonna
get out of here. Uh...

thank you guys for your service.
Thank you for your service.

Thank you for‐‐ Cordell, is it?

Thank you for your service,
Cordell. All right.

(emotional music playing on TV)

WOMAN:
All across America,

helpless animals are brutalized
and cast aside,

condemned by their abusers
to a life of agony and pain.

But for just 20 cents a day,

you can help end
their suffering.

You can save their lives.

Don't ignore
these victims' cries.

Call now and be a hero
to an innocent animal today.

Don't you worry.
Don't you worry at all, Lincoln.

(sniffs)
I'm gonna save you, okay?

(sniffs)
You are coming home with me.

Lincoln, look at me.

I'll be your hero.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. wgbh. org