All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e01_English

"The Carmichael Show" is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Man, this girl still
ain't text me back.

It's probably 'cause
you're unemployed,

you live with your ex‐wife

and you owe Bank
of America $35,000.

Jerrod, I told you.

Stop being so honest
with Bobby.

He's not strong enough.

Bobby, you beautiful.

Bobby, just give
her some time.

I mean, the date
was just last night.

See, that's the problem
with technology.

You sitting here waiting for
this woman to text you back.

In my day, you just park
in front of a woman's house

and you stay there.

He did, he did that.

Your daddy wouldn't
leave for nothing.

I'm glad you're back in
the dating game, Bobby.

I wanted to win the divorce,

but I never wanted
it to be a shutout.

I'm happy Bobby's
dating, too.

See, if Bobby's getting dates,

that means if me and Maxine
ever break up, I'll be fine.

Oh, my God.

Maxine, calm down.

I hardly ever think about
breaking up with you.

No, no, I just read
that this girl, Sara,

I used to work
with was raped.

Oh, wow. That was not
what I was expecting.

Sorry to hear that, Maxine.

Oh, that's just terrible.

It happened last year.

I guess she's just started
talking about it.

Poor girl.

Well, what happened to the guy?

Nothing, apparently.

It was his word versus hers.

See, that happens way too often.

She needs to take the justice
system into her own hands.

This one time, this guy was
pulling this girl into an alley,

and me and my cousins took
turns beating his face in.

We took his shoes
and everything.

That ain't even enough.

If I was in charge,
the punishment for rapers

would be they'd be put in prison
and raped every single day.

Then they'd be put
into the halfway house

where they raped
every other day.

But they wouldn't
get raped on holidays

'cause, you know,
this still America.

It's crazy you haven't been
elected to office yet.

Where are you reading all this?

She posted on this Facebook
hashtag called #ItHappenedToMe.

There are over
100,000 posts.

Man, rape is the worst.

Real brave stance you're
taking there, Bobby.

Yeah, so, apparently,
Sara went to a party

where she ran into a guy
she knew named Mark Henderson.

They went back to his house

where they were
making out on his bed.

She told him she wasn't
gonna have sex with him,

she only wanted to make out,

but before she realized it,
sex had started.

Wow.

Wait.

I‐I missed the part
about the rape.

Did you switch
to a different story?

No, that's the story.

She didn't give consent.
That's rape.

Well, maybe I'm unclear
as to the definition.

What's the one where they
drag somebody into a alley

and they force
themselves on them?
Rape.

That's the one
I was thinking of.

Look, this is clearly
a very delicate subject

and pretty scary stuff.

Yeah, it's terrifying.

If we just jump to conclusions,

a rape accusation can
really ruin a man's life.

Are you kidding me?

You're worried
about the man?

Someone has to be, Maxine.

I mean, we just heard
about this Mark Henderson guy

and we were all
ready to kill him,

and then after a few more
details of the story came out,

we're not necessarily sure
if he did anything wrong.

Like, nothing about that
bothers you?

No, we do know that
he did something wrong.

Sara didn't give him consent.

That's assault.

Well, that's her
version of the story.

We don't know his version.

Okay, well, Sara is one

of the most reliable
people that I know.

Oh, my bad.
I didn't know

she was one of the most
reliable people you know.

Oh, in that case,
let's lock him up.

Let's send him to
Dad's rape prison.

Look, this is exactly why

you should get
a verbal yes for consent.

Then there are no questions.

"A verbal yes"?

(laughs) That's not
the rules for sex.

That's the rules for
emergency exit row seating.

No, a woman should
never say yes verbally.

I mean, if a man wants sex and
a woman says, "Yes," out loud,

well, that just makes her
a dirty whore.

I don't know.

I think I'm with
Jerrod on this one.

I mean, it's
confusing, Maxine.

What if you meet a woman who has
a rape fantasy and she says,

"No matter how many times
I say no, keep on going."

Now, how do you know
if you've gone too far

or if you just making
a woman's dreams come true?

Well, if you guys have decided
to role‐play a rape fantasy,

then that is consent and a safe
word should be established.

Mike Pence.

That's my safe word.

If you hear "Mike Pence,"

you've gone too far
for Nekeisha.

Well, uh, now, what if both
of y'all are so drunk

you in no condition
to give consent?

Does that mean
you raped each other?

Okay, how about this?

What if I fall asleep
in a short skirt on a bus?

Should someone be allowed
to have sex with me

while I'm passed out?

Well of course not,
but‐but, see...

Okay, so what
if I was drunk?

Should someone be allowed
to do whatever they want?

No, but...

Okay, so in a perfect world,

a woman should be able
to be black‐out drunk,

break into someone's house,

pass out, and still
not have to worry

about being
sexually assaulted.

What are you doing drunk
on the bus, Maxine?

MAXINE:
I'm just saying

that it shouldn't all be
on women to stay safe.

We should be teaching
our sons not to rape,

to get a verbal yes
every step of the way.

All right.

So, if a guy had a drunk hookup
with a girl last night,

and he doesn't remember
verbally getting a yes,

could that guy be a raper?

Yes. Thank you, Bobby.

Finally, someone understands
what I'm saying.

Oh, Lord.

What's wrong, Bobby?

Mama, I might be a raper.

Oh, sweet shepherd of Jesus!

You a raper?!

Bobby, I didn't raise you
to be no raper.

Hold on, everybody.

Before we go any further,

the correct word is rapist.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, am I a monster?

Bobby, look me in my eyes
and be honest.

Did you rape that girl?

I don't think so.

I believe you.

Come on, y'all,
everything's okay.

But I don't know for sure.

Bobby, what makes you think
this is even possible?

Look, I wouldn't
intentionally hurt a woman,

and I always go
with no means no,

but I've never
thought of consent

the way you talk about it.

JERROD:
Bobby.

What are you talking about?

You didn't do anything wrong.

At any point during the night,
did she ever say no to sex?

Oh, yeah.
Wait, what?

But it wasn't during sex.
Oh.

You know, she‐she did that thing
that girls do, you know,

before the start of a date,
where they let you know

that they're definitely not
having sex with you tonight.

They still doing that?

So how did you two
end up sleeping together?

Well, I mean,
we had a few drinks,

you know, and
dinner was fun.

And I went to put
her in an Uber,

and she was like,
"I'm not tired,"

so she said she'll come back
to my place and watch a movie.

Oh, she said she was gonna
come back to your place

to watch a movie, well,
there's consent right there.

You think so?
No!

Come on, Maxine, just let
my son not be a rapist.

I'm not saying that
he did anything wrong.

And he's the one
questioning himself.

And I actually think
that it's pretty admirable

that he even cares
to try and see this

from the woman's
point of view.

I just never thought I'd need
to hear the word "yes."

I mean, at one point I thought
she yelled out, "Don't stop."

Or maybe it was just, "Don't.

Stop!"

Son, that's a very
important pause.

Well, have you,
have you talked to her?

No, she hasn't answered
any of my texts.

Oh, man, you don't think
that's why?

Rape or no rape, I think it's
rude not to return a text.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Bobby, there's no way
you did anything.

You're not a rapist,
you're a sweet guy,

You're caring,
and considerate,

and you got asthma,

and you can't see
without your glasses.

You can't keep a secret.
Mm‐hmm.

And you got no grip.

Almost any woman could
get away from you

'cause you got these
weak‐ass arms.

Thanks, guys.

I really appreciate that,
but Maxine's new rules

on consent
really got me thinking.

You know, asking men to
treat women with respect

isn't some new rule
that I made up.

Well, I had never
heard of it before.

I'm just saying that there
should never be any doubt.

You should get clear consent
and hear her say "yes."

I don't know.

Not letting any
of these men touch us

until we get a verbal "yes,"

could take some of
the fun out of sex.

I don't want to share too much,

but I like to get choked
and pinned down sometimes.

Nekeisha, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

but you already told us that.

But let's not pretend that
you and I ask for permission

every step
of the way.

Yeah, that's because there's
no surprises with you,

you do the same thing in the
same order every single time.

Maxine,

have a little class, okay?

We're in front of my family.

Let's stay on the subject.

We're talking about rape.

Uh, I know this is an awkward
time to to say this,

but I ordered an Uber before
this conversation even started,

and if I don't leave now
I'm gonna have to pay for it,

so I'm out.

God, I can't believe
she hasn't answered my texts.

Bobby, you're really
overthinking this whole thing.

Why are you saying that
he's overthinking this?

Maybe a little caution
when it comes to sex

would be a good thing.

It would be great if men
had to think about rape

as much as women do.

Maxine, are you kidding me?

When I was single,
I thought about

rape accusations constantly.

That's why I was so nice
to girls all the time.

Opening doors and stuff.

Really, that's all chivalry
is, it's just a man

trying to show a woman
how much he's not a rapist.

I read somewhere that
Justin Bieber

makes everybody he sleeps
with sign a consent waiver.

That is so sad,

a young pop star
can't even enjoy

a gratuitous amount
of casual sex anymore.

Man, I should've got her
to sign something?

I don't even have a printer.

I mean, it's not
a bad idea.

Really, being falsely
accused of rape

is as bad as
being raped.

What? How could you possibly
say a dumb thing like that?

You can't compare being accused
to being mentally

and physically
assaulted, Jerrod.
True, true.

But if you're accused,
your life is over.

Yeah, ever since
I accused myself,

I've been devastated.

That is not
true, Jerrod.

Um, Kobe Bryant,
Nate Parker, Ben Roethlisberger.

None of their careers
have been affected.

Roman Polanski,
Julian Assange.

CeeLo Green.

JERROD:
Yeah, okay.

Sure, but those accusations
will follow them

for the rest
of their lives

because rape is
the worst crime.

Well, what about murder?

That's pretty bad
when you think about it.

Sure, but murder
can be justified,

or even celebrated
in a certain context.

There's never been a movie
where the terrorists surrender

and the audience cheers because
Mark Wahlberg raped the bad guys

just in the nick of time.

Jerrod, a man who bragged about

sexually assaulting women,
and then dismissed it

as "locker room talk"

was elected as the president
of the United States.

Clearly we don't
take it seriously enough.

BOBBY:
Damn.

You can brag
about sexual assault

and become president.

I don't know if I
should be horrified or inspired.

Everybody, that's enough.

Now, we have done nothing

but talk about rape,
rape, rape, rape, rape.

(whoops)

Who wants ice cream?

You know what, Maxine,
my mom is right.

Let's just drop it, all right?

I'll make you a sundae.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, do you want
one scoop or two?

One.

Okay, 'cause I know, like,

usually you want one,
but occasionally two,

and I just want to be sure
before I do anything.

One.

Okay. Oh, Maxine, sprinkles?

Mm‐hmm.

I'm‐I'm sorry, is that a yes?

'Cause I need to hear
a verbal "yes."

I‐I don't want to make
any assumptions

about what you want
going in your body.

Are you really mocking me
right now?

Yeah, Jerrod. Are you
trying to mock us?

This is serious.
No.

No, no, I'm just doing
what you said, Maxine.

Making things crystal clear.

Okay, you know, you're worried
about accusations,

Bobby's worried that he may have
accidentally assaulted somebody.

You know how you fix all that?

You communicate
with your partner.

It's very simple.

Watch. You are a dick.

I'm taking the car. Good night.

I think we all
have to give her that one.

Bobby, I hate
to see you like this.

You hardly even touched
your ice cream. Are you okay?

No, I'm trying to put together
the pieces from last night.

We were both so drunk.

And I remember that she hurried
off at the end of the night.

And she still hasn't
answered any of my texts.

Well, did you check
her social media?

Yeah, she hasn't posted all day.

Well, that's not normal.
I mean, even I posted

a picture of the ice cream
on Facebook.

You got to...

you got to read
what I wrote about it. I said,

"Coolin' out with my family."

Oh, Joe, that's so clever.

T‐Tag me in that
so Sylvia can see

how much fun
we're having over here.

BOBBY:
Uh‐oh.

Oh, did she post something?

Yep.

"Trying to forget about
last night, but I can't.

Need good energy right now."

I got to talk to her.

Bobby.

Bobby, what are you doing?

You're‐you're gonna go find
this girl and ask her what?

I don't know.
I just need answers.

Son, you gonna show up at this
woman's house unannounced

and ask her if you raped her?

Are you trying to get
a restraining order?

Look, Dad, she's clearly
upset about something.

I need to make sure I didn't
do anything to hurt this girl.

Bobby, I know how
you were raised.

You are a sweet boy.

You wouldn't
even rape a fly.

Now, come on,
don't do this.

But Mama, you always told me
to own up to my mistakes.

Bobby, if you go over there,

you're gonna be asking her
a very real question

and you have to be ready
for a very real answer.

I know, and‐and
whatever she says,

at least my conscience
will be clear

and I've owned up
to whatever I did.

Now, the only thing worse
than being the type of guy

that does something like this

is being the guy that
tries to get away with it.

All right, man,
if you feel that way,

then maybe you should go.

Thanks, Jerrod.

Come on, let's go
to your place.

But wait‐wait, w‐why my place?

She lives in your building.

You...

you maybe raped my neighbor?

I mean, Jerrod, where am I
supposed to go to meet girls at?

Okay? I'm always here
or at your place.

Come on, Jerrod.

I can't do this by myself.

I'm nervous.

You know, we don't
have to do this.

No, man, I'm ready, you know?

Let's just go up
there and talk...

oh, God, she's coming.
I'm not ready.

Hi.

Bobby?

(chuckles)

H‐hey, Natalie.

What are you doing here?

Well, um, Natalie, I mean, um...

(clears throat)

I'm sorry I raped you.

Hey, I'm Jerrod.

I'm just here to make sure
everybody feels safe.

What are you talking about?

Well, last night, you said
you didn't want to have sex,

and then we did,
but did I ever get a verbal yes?

No.

Well, I'm sorry
to tell you this,

it means I raped you.

Bobby, you did not.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.

Bobby, what are you
trying to talk her into?

Did you really come down here
with another guy

to explain to a woman
what rape is?

Well, it sounds bad when
you say it like that.

Bobby, I wanted
to sleep with you.

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

(exhales)

So, how do you
like the building?

You know something, Natalie?
You know, next time,

we just got to do a better job
at communicating. (chuckles)

Bobby, I don't think
there's gonna be a next time.

Wait, what?
How‐how come?

I can think of
a couple reasons.

Look, Bobby, it was a fine date,

but I just don't think
we connected.

What are you talking about?

We got so much in common.

No, I don't mean that.
I just mean...

What?

Physically, it was... you know?

Nah.

I don't think I do know, nah.

Bobby, don't...
(stammers)

What are you trying to say?

Bobby, the sex was bad,
all right?

Oh, okay. You know,
that's what's up.

Yeah. Sorry.

And the tweet earlier?

I was ashamed.

Okeydoke. You know...

I mean, I'm not a rapist.

But I'm bad at sex.

This moment is
really bittersweet.

Natalie, one last question.

What exactly about the sex
was bad?

Well, I just don't think you
were aggressive enough.

Huh.

Jerrod, it is impossible

to describe
how I'm feeling right now.

You don't have to pretend
to be asleep, Maxine.

You were right
about consent.

I'm awake.

I just watched

a man try and tell a woman
that he raped her

and her response was,
"No, you didn't.

You're just bad at sex."

So, if the choice is
to communicate before or after,

before is definitely
the way to go.

Well, thank you for
acknowledging that.

That is all I wanted.

But I can't believe you guys

actually let Bobby
go over there.

He showed up at a woman's house
and asked if he raped her?

Was he trying to get
a restraining order?

Oh, he tried his hardest.

Also, the girl lives
in our building,

so we might have to move.
What?

So... we good?

Yeah, we're good.

Cool. Um, may I...

lie next to you?

Yes.

May I kiss you?

Yes.

Left hand, right thigh?

Come on.

Get under the covers.
(laughs)

Consensual sex is fun.

It's kind of like
playing Twister.

(laughs)

Hey, maybe tonight's
the night we finally...

Mike Pence.

Okay, that's why we ask.

Well, I'm relieved
to hear that, Bobby.

But why didn't she answer
your text messages?

She was afraid of how attached
she was getting.

Matter of fact,
she said, and I quote,

"Bobby, you've made me feel

"like no man's ever made me
feel before.

"I almost got your name
tattooed on my shoulder.

"And that's why we can never be

because I can't handle
the emotions."

She said all of that?

Yep. Word for word, Mama.

Good news.

Bobby, you didn't rape her.

I got a friend
that knows Natalie

and she said
you're just bad at sex.

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