All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e12 Porn Addiction.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

What the reverend said today
was absolutely disgusting!

It was vile!

If he'd said that 1,000 years ago,

the church would've
hung him for heresy!

Okay, Mom, well, I think you
are tremendously overstating

what happened here today
and being quite irrational.

No, I am not.

Okay, well, I think you are.

No, you do not.

All right, well...

I think it was pretty
brave of the reverend

to get up there in front
of the congregation

and admit he'd been
battling a porn addiction.

Boy, oh, boy what that
reverend did today was brave!

Somebody needs to make a meme of him

standing in front of a tank
in Tiananmen square.

Joe, it was

not brave, it was disgusting.

Not to mention

the children had to hear that filth!

Man, this is the first time

I haven't fell asleep
in church in years.

I wonder what the reverend
gonna confess to next week.

I hope it's tax evasion.

You know, tax evasion
is sexy right now.

I loved how open and
honest that reverend was.

Is church always this interesting?

It's not supposed to be
interesting, Maxine.

It's church. It's not a TED Talk.

I wonder what type of pornography

the reverend watches.

I would've asked, but he never
opened the floor to questions.

All right, well, hold on
to your question, Bobby.

Maybe you'll get a chance
to ask it next week.

Okay, look here, Jerrod,
if that's sarcasm,

I don't appreciate it, okay?

You stifle my curiosity,
and that belittles us both.

Reverend Carlson is
supposed to be a leader.

I've turned to him for moral
guidance for over 35 years.

Now I'm gonna have to figure out

where I can find a new
church home for every Sunday

and Wednesday and Thursday.

My entire social
calendar is in shambles.

Well, Mom, you don't

have to leave the church
just because the reverend

admitted something
honest and made himself

vulnerable to the congregation.

Well, I can't think of a better
reason to leave a church.

Sounds like somebody
hasn't seen Spotlight.

Well, I don't think it's as big a deal

as y'all are making it out to be.

The reverend just admitted
to doing something

that's perfectly normal
that every man does.

Joe, how you gonna sit there
and say it was perfectly normal,

something that every man does?

You don't watch porno.

Joe?

You watch porno, Joe?

Daddy?

Well, you know what?

I'm tired of being
ashamed anyway, damn it.

And if this reverend can find
the strength to come clean,

so can I.

Joe Carmichael watches porn.

There, I said it.

Bobby!

?

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Joe, you are a sexual deviant,
just like my reverend.

I'm not no sexual deviant.

I don't watch anything too hard-core.

I'm mostly into...

lesbian stuff.

Look, I enjoy the supple,
gentle nature of women.

Joe!

Look, Ma, Dad's right.

It's not really that big of a deal.

I know this is a weird thing to admit

in front of your whole family, but...

I watch porn, too, Ma.

God.

That is a weird sentence
to say out loud.

Oh, no, Jerrod, not you!

Maxine, did you know about this?

I mean, we've never really
talked about it, but I assumed.

That's why I always knock
before I enter our bedroom.

Bobby.

Sweet, innocent, pure-spirited Bobby.

Tell me you don't watch pornography.

Okay, Mama, you're putting
me in a tough spot.

Uh, I don't want to lie to you,

but I don't want to let you down.

So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say no,

and then I'm gonna
wink right after that.

No.

Now, you interpret
that how you see fit.

Oh, my God!

All my boys are watching the
lesbians on the Internet?!

Now, look here, Mama.

I actually don't really
like lesbian porn.

It's just too many toys.

I don't think lesbians
should be able to use toys.

Look, you made a choice, stick with it!

Is my entire family addicted to porn?!

I don't think anyone here
is actually addicted to porn.

And I think watching it in
moderation is a healthy way

for people to explore
their own sexuality.

You always have an opinion!

Hey, Ma, look.

No one in the family
is addicted to porn.

In fact, I don't think the
reverend's addicted to porn.

He just lives in this
environment where people

judge him and make him
feel guilty for watching.

JOE: Yeah, honey.

Porn is not a-a real addiction.

I mean, it's-it's...
sexuality is natural.

It's a basic need.

Next thing you're gonna say

is people can get
addicted to air or food.

Uh, actually, Joe,
people can be addicted to food.

People go to programs
for overeating all the time.

Overeating?

There's no such thing as overeating.

You eat till your hand gets tired.

That is not when you're
supposed to stop eating.

I mean, you can watch
as much porn as you want,

but you need to eat better.

Well, if you are telling me
that I can't eat a cheeseburger

while watching two lesbians
make sweet love to each other

on the Internet, kill me now.

Ain't nobody want to live in a world

without girl-on-girl
action and ground beef.

No more porn, Joe.

I will not stand for that
disgusting smut in my house!

No! No! No, no.

You may think that porn is harmless,

but let me tell you, I've seen
it destroy too many marriages.

Tammy's marriage, Denise's marriage...

BOBBY: Whoa, whoa, wait.

I thought Denise's marriage ended

because her husband was abusive.

No, her first husband was abusive.

Her second husband was on that porn!

(sighs) Look, y'all,

Mom's right, okay?

I mean, porn can mess you up.

You know, I-I saw
professionals having sex

before I even did it myself.

And, I mean, it creates these
unrealistic expectations.

How do they not take a water break?

Well, Bobby is right.

I mean, our generation
starts watching porn early.

I saw my first porn before
I saw The Lion King.

Well, that's why I never gave
Jerrod and Bobby the talk.

I figure they gonna watch porn anyway,

and a picture's worth a thousand words,

and videos have thousands of images,

so they got a very thorough sex talk.

And thanks to the Internet,

I didn't have to
participate in any of it.

God, I wish my mom had left me
to figure it out on my own.

She just had a couple martinis,
sat me down and said,

"Sex is power."

I was eight.

All of you have lost your way.

I'm gonna shut down that Internet.

I'm gonna find us a
new place to worship.

Because you all need church right now.

'Cause you're nasty.

You're just nasty!

Uh, Cynthia, don't go searching
the history on our computer.

I came clean. I told you everything.

You think your mama
knows what a MILF is?

- I...
- Cynthia?

Cynthia, MILFs are the same age as us,

so that's not nasty.

(sighs): Oh.

Church for the first time,

talking about porn with your family.

Not a bad Sunday, huh?

Well, let's do neither of
those things again for a while.

All right, Maxine, Netflix Sunday.

Let's, uh, put on our sweats

and watch Friends
until we see a black person.

(chuckles)

Last time, we got through
an entire season.

You know, porn has such
a stigma attached to it

because people in our country
are so uptight about sex.

Mm-hmm.

We should be able to talk about it.

Mm-hmm.

Let's talk about it.

No.

Come on, what kind
of porn do you watch?

Maxine, why do you insist
on asking questions

that will destroy us?

Come on, this is ridiculous.

We can have sex,
but we can't talk about sex?

Yeah, because talking about sex

is way more intimate than having it.

In fact, people have sex
just to avoid talking about it.

Do you have any fetishes?

I'm not doing this with you, Maxine.

Or, like, a favorite porn star?

(sighs)

Ariana Marie.

Who's that?

Actually, it's a tie
between her and Alexis Texas.

Uh, they're both from Texas.

Actually, Ariana is from
Clearwater, Florida.

She grew up in Texas though.

She's, like, five-four,
dark hair, green eyes.

You know the type.

What, what, do you have

this girl's rookie card or something?

Oh.

Also, I really like Dani Daniels.

She's really funny on Instagram.

Oh, you follow her on Instagram?

Yeah. Oh, honorary mention...
Cassidy Banks...

and Harley Dean.

Okay, how much porn are you watching?

And when are you doing all this?

Well, you know when I text you

and I ask you, like, what time
are you coming home exactly?

You send me those texts a lot.

Yeah, because I'm a man, Maxine.

I can't be pent up.

You know what happens
when a man is pent up?

People get killed.

Like, the last mass shooting
could've been avoided

by a visit to Pornhub.com.

Well, Jerrod, women have just
as much need and desire as men.

This might surprise you to
hear, but I watch porn, too.

You watch porn?

What type of porn are you watching?

I search for more amateur stuff.

I like it when they're,
like, real-life couples.

'Cause I think an
honest human connection

is a... huge turn-on.

Maxine, that's disgusting.

I mean, what I watch is fantasy.

You're being a creepy third wheel

in someone else's relationship.

Okay, I thought we were having
an open, honest conversation

without judgment.

Who promised no judgment?

I didn't promise no judgment.

I am judging you right now.

When are you finding all the time

to watch these real
people have sex anyway?

I don't know, like, last night.

Last night?

Uh, I was here last night.

Yeah, I know you were home.

I just... I drew myself a
bath, had a little me time.

You were asleep.

Well, why didn't you wake me up?

Think I could've helped you
out with that, Maxine.

Uh, you wake me up for everything.

You woke me up 'cause you thought

you solved Making a Murderer.

Are you really uncomfortable

with the idea of me watching porn?

No, I'm not uncomfortable.

I'm just worried about you having

all these products near the bathtub.

It voids the AppleCare.

So you're just gonna take
all my Apple products?

Steve Jobs didn't die for this!

Dad, you're in here drinking whiskey?

Well, your mama's mad
at me, so here we are.

There are other ways to relieve stress,

but your mama's holding
the computer hostage.

She's really mad, huh?

What happened after I left?

She screamed, "You're
not the man I married,"

and slammed the door to our
room and hasn't come out since.

Your brother's, uh, sulking
because your mama's mad

and nobody wants to go
to Red Robin with him.

So it has been... a
rough day for everyone.

- Yeah.
- (clears throat)

Uh, kind of want to talk
to you about something

between me and Maxine,
but I got to be honest,

it's a little awkward to bring up.

Jerrod, I gave you a
Diane Sawyer amount

of access to my life today.

Okay.

Maxine told me that she watches porn.

Well, a lot of your modern
women are into that now.

Your Lena Dunhams,
your Rashida Joneses,

that girl that works at the Rite Aid.

No, but she doesn't just watch it.

She, like, sneaks off and
does it while I'm still at home.

You telling me that Maxine watches porn

while her able-bodied boyfriend
is available in the next room?

Yes.

Thank you.

Now, clearly you need sex advice.

Now, you came to the right place.

You see, son, good sex is
all about the calf muscles.

Nope. Nope.

I am not here for sex advice.

I'm just concerned.

I mean, Maxine and I
are going on two years,

and I'm worried that this is a sign

that maybe the passion is
fading in our relationship.

Well, in my 34 years of marriage,

I've had plenty of worries and fears.

Am I good enough?

Am I making her happy?

Is ten minutes too long or too short?

So worrying about the
passion fading is normal.

Not for you.

Y'all ain't even been
together barely two years.

You should still be in
the honeymoon phase.

This is a disaster.

You know, you may want to
consider the possibility

that you just bad at sex.

Oh, no. No, no, no, Dad.

I'm not bad at sex.

Well, let me see your calves.

No, no, don't...

Are you serious right now?

Do you really think that
maybe Maxine isn't satisfied?

Jerrod, if your mama makes me dinner

and I sneak out the house
for a cheeseburger,

I'm unhappy with my dinner.

Maxine is unhappy with
her dinner, capisce?

(sighs) Yeah.

Uh, and take this with you.

I think you need it more than I do.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

- And Jerrod.
- Yeah?

Two short, one deep.

I am not having this talk with you.

Just to be clear, if I turn on
the parental control setting,

I can block the lesbians
and still stream Ellen?

Well, thank you.

No, you've been incredibly helpful.

(clears throat)

(knocking on door)

Mom, I need to talk to you.

I'm not going to Red Robin.

It's new, but it's a chain,
and they're all the same, Bobby.

No, that's not it,
even though I will argue

that each Red Robin got
their own distinct personality.

(sighs) I just think you overreacted

how angry you are
with us and the reverend.

I don't want you to leave the
church; you love that place.

It's been your second home for years.

But I don't think

you in a place to be,
um, so judgmental.

Well, now, what is
that supposed to mean?

(sighs)

I got something to tell you.

Ooh, okay, I hoped
this day would never come.

What day?

What are you talking about?

All right, when I was 13, I came
up here looking for my VHS

of all my favorite
Fresh Prince episodes.

Uh-huh.

You know, I wanted to watch
the one where Will got shot

and-and Carlton got nervous
and ended up buying a gun.

Well, what happened?

Well, in a very emotional moment,

when they got to the hospital,

Will took the gun from Carlton, right?

And listen, every time I think
about this, it makes me cry.

He just, "Give me the gun,
Carlton! I saved your..."

Bobby, Bobby!

What happened in the story
you were telling me about?

(sighs) All right.

Uh, so I put the VHS in,

expecting to see a
Fresh Prince episode,

but it wasn't a Fresh Prince episode.

It was, uh, you and Daddy...

...in a sex tape.

Oh!

What?!

Oh, I-I... I told Joe to get rid of it.

Well, oh, God, I really
wish he would have.

Those few seconds really messed me up.

I haven't been able to watch
Fresh Prince for 20 years.

Matter of fact, I can't see
anything that Will Smith was in.

Do you know how bad I
wanted to see Hancock?

Bobby, you shouldn't have seen that.

I'm sorry.

I don't want you to
think any less of me.

It was just, your daddy,

- you know, he was trying to...
- Okay, wait. Nope, nope, stop.

- He had this thing with his calf muscle...
- Please, don't! Stop, stop!

Mama, you don't have
to tell me anything, okay?

(sighs) Look, I don't think
less of you because of this.

It's your private life.

But you shouldn't think
less of us either.

It just feels so good to judge people.

Until you get called on
it, you know what I mean?

Look here, Ma, look, you have
nothing to worry about, okay?

There's still plenty of
people you can judge.

Matter of fact, your friend
Denise is back in rehab.

Oh. (chuckles)

Bobby, you always know
the right thing to say.

Ah, come on, let's go to Red Robin.

(laughs)

I need some gas money, too, Ma.

Oh...

Maxine, am I bad at sex?

Um, first of all, close the door.

And secondly,
why are you asking me that?

Because I want to know.

I mean, you're in the
bathroom watching porn.

You're not calling
Big J in that moment.

Not gonna lie, Big J's ego
is hurt a little bit.

I'm sorry I said anything.

I should have never pushed us
into having this conversation.

Yeah, but, like, why
are you watching it

while I'm sitting there
in the next room?

(sighs): Okay.

How do I explain this?

Okay, you know how sometimes you go out

to brunch and mimosas
with friends, and it's great,

but then other times
you just want to come home

and have a glass of Bordeaux alone?

Nah, I grew up poor.

None of that really relates to my life.

Okay, that's a bad example.

Yeah.

Okay, you know how sometimes
you need a workout partner,

and then sometimes you just get
on the treadmill by yourself?

Yeah, I don't really
work out like that.

- I, like, tried...
- Do we have anything in common?

Well, apparently just watching porn.

(sighs)

Jerrod,

why does it have to signal that
something is wrong when I do it,

but you list off the name
of ten porn stars...

and I got to be honest,
it seems a little excessive...

but it's okay?

August Ames.

I'm sorry, I left her
off the list earlier.

Jerrod.

(sighs) Why is it such a big
deal to you that I watch porn?

Well, because women watch porn
because they're not satisfied.

Men watch it because we're monsters.

But that is just not true.

It is such a fallacy that
women's sexual appetites

are different than men's.

This is just a classic
instance of society creating

double standards in
order to control women.

Okay, uh, Maxine, please do
not make porn sound boring.

I'm not gonna lie.

I think it's a little
weird that you watch it.

Well, I think it's weird
that you watch it.

I think it's weird
that any of us watch it.

We're watching strangers
having sex on camera.

It's weird. But we do it.

And that doesn't mean that
there's anything wrong with us.

I mean, what do you want to do?

You want to both agree
to not watch it anymore?

No.

Okay. (chuckles)

Uh, well, then how about this?

I... I promise that I
will not watch it anymore

while you are home,

if you unfollow Dani
Daniels on Instagram.

Deal.

(sighs)

But you're missing out on some
really funny posts, Maxine.

Like, she's great...

- Okay.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.

God, the things I do for love.

(chuckles)

So what time are you
getting home tomorrow?

Exactly?

(both laughing)

We were so young.

I know.

- Oh, Joe, there your move!
- Oh!

That's your move, baby!

(laughs)

I'm glad we got that on film,

'cause I damn sure
can't do that no more.

(laughs)

WILL SMITH: ? Now this is
the story all about how... ?

What happened?

Oh, if Bobby had hung in there,

he could have seen
the rest of his show.

Mm-hmm.

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