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1
00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:04,367
The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.
2
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(exclaims)
3
00:00:05,843 --> 00:00:07,363
Thank you for that French toast, Mama.
4
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,781
Freedom toast, Bobby.
5
00:00:08,815 --> 00:00:10,315
(chuckles)
6
00:00:10,353 --> 00:00:12,019
Joe, when are you gonna let that go?
7
00:00:12,061 --> 00:00:16,096
There's nothing more American
than holding onto a grudge.
8
00:00:16,194 --> 00:00:18,595
Look, either way, it
was a powerful breakfast,
9
00:00:18,655 --> 00:00:20,355
because I was powerful hungry.
10
00:00:20,397 --> 00:00:22,964
You know, that's how Huck Finn
a-a-and Tom Sawyer used to talk.
11
00:00:23,027 --> 00:00:24,726
It was "powerful" this, "powerful" that.
12
00:00:24,769 --> 00:00:26,636
You know, I'm reading the classics now.
13
00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:28,701
Bobby, you were supposed
14
00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,433
to read those books
while yowere in school.
15
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:33,781
Oh, but I was supposed to read
them in summer school, too,
16
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:35,523
but here we are.
17
00:00:35,565 --> 00:00:36,664
Hey.
18
00:00:36,692 --> 00:00:37,658
Hey, y'all.
19
00:00:37,683 --> 00:00:38,949
Sorry we're late.
20
00:00:38,981 --> 00:00:41,515
Yeah, you guys are not
gonna believe what happened.
21
00:00:41,578 --> 00:00:43,077
So, we were getting ready to leave,
22
00:00:43,115 --> 00:00:44,882
and Jerrod's car had a flat tire...
23
00:00:44,926 --> 00:00:48,527
Well, so far, that is
very believable, Maxine.
24
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,415
...and Jerrod said that he
didn't want to be bothered
25
00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:52,220
with changing it so I
said, "I'll change it,"
26
00:00:52,287 --> 00:00:53,437
and you know what he did?
27
00:00:53,466 --> 00:00:55,300
He laughed in my face.
28
00:00:55,346 --> 00:00:57,646
Maxine, I told you,
I only laughed 'cause
29
00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,970
I found it really, really funny.
30
00:01:02,143 --> 00:01:03,710
It is funny!
31
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:04,715
That's funny, right?
32
00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:07,208
(laughing): Yeah, Maxine,
33
00:01:07,269 --> 00:01:10,370
Danica Patrick doesn't
even change her own tires.
34
00:01:10,446 --> 00:01:12,746
Why is the notion of me
changing a tire so absurd?
35
00:01:12,803 --> 00:01:15,504
Come on, Maxine, don't
make us say it out loud.
36
00:01:15,570 --> 00:01:17,503
Say what?
37
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(groans)
38
00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:22,626
Ah, it feels like a trap.
39
00:01:22,676 --> 00:01:26,044
Yeah, that's not something
you want to say out loud.
40
00:01:26,126 --> 00:01:28,246
You know, that's like all
the thoughts that go through
41
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,747
your mind when you're
talking to a little person.
42
00:01:30,806 --> 00:01:32,106
Yeah.
43
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,173
Am I missing something?
44
00:01:34,223 --> 00:01:36,924
They're saying a woman
shouldn't change a tire.
45
00:01:36,991 --> 00:01:38,257
- Yup, that's it.
- Yeah.
46
00:01:38,289 --> 00:01:39,421
Yeah, that's pretty much
what we're saying, yeah, yeah.
47
00:01:39,450 --> 00:01:41,083
Maxine, why did you make me
48
00:01:41,124 --> 00:01:43,257
say that sexist thing out loud?
49
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:45,911
It don't feel good.
50
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,708
Yeah, Maxine, it's 2016.
51
00:01:47,752 --> 00:01:51,154
How dare you make my mama
say something like that.
52
00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:53,003
Just not cool.
53
00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:54,980
Yeah, it's 2016, Bobby,
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00:01:55,028 --> 00:01:56,728
men and women should be treated equally.
55
00:01:56,771 --> 00:01:59,004
Do men and women really
want to be treated equally?
56
00:01:59,059 --> 00:02:00,359
Okay, now,
57
00:02:00,392 --> 00:02:02,358
there's this guy at work,
we call him Big Mike.
58
00:02:02,407 --> 00:02:04,908
Now there's a woman at work
who's even bigger than Mike,
59
00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:06,636
and one day I called her Big Sherry,
60
00:02:06,678 --> 00:02:08,511
almost lost my damn job.
61
00:02:09,820 --> 00:02:12,789
See, you get around women,
you got to be delicate.
62
00:02:12,862 --> 00:02:16,163
Wow, I can't believe how
you guys are sounding,
63
00:02:16,244 --> 00:02:18,164
especially you, Jerrod,
because you don't believe
64
00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:19,524
that women are delicate flowers
65
00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,257
who are supposed to
be kept in their place.
66
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,000
Yeah, well, it sounds horrible
when you say it like that.
67
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,409
Now had you said that men are
better suited at certain tasks
68
00:02:25,468 --> 00:02:27,468
than women, I would have
given you one of these.
69
00:02:28,473 --> 00:02:30,040
What?
70
00:02:30,079 --> 00:02:31,345
You know, some people would say
71
00:02:31,377 --> 00:02:33,911
not letting a woman fix
a tire is chivalrous.
72
00:02:33,974 --> 00:02:35,407
And I'm one of those people.
73
00:02:35,443 --> 00:02:37,643
The sexiest thing a man can do for me
74
00:02:37,698 --> 00:02:39,765
is to tell me to sit down.
75
00:02:40,909 --> 00:02:43,377
Yeah, okay, but there is a difference
76
00:02:43,438 --> 00:02:46,105
between chivalry and sexism.
77
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:48,270
Yeah, but it's hard to see
that difference, Maxine.
78
00:02:48,322 --> 00:02:51,190
Chivalry and sexism are,
like, Olsen twins similar.
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00:02:51,261 --> 00:02:53,294
I can't believe how crazy this sounds.
80
00:02:53,345 --> 00:02:55,505
I mean, you're making it
sound like we live in the '50s
81
00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:58,233
where all the woman does is
cook and clean while the man
82
00:02:58,298 --> 00:02:59,831
just sits there and rubs his stomach.
83
00:03:02,465 --> 00:03:04,466
(scoffs)
84
00:03:06,736 --> 00:03:08,904
Is this what d�j� vu is?
85
00:03:10,186 --> 00:03:11,820
Look, Maxine, I'm just saying
86
00:03:11,861 --> 00:03:13,460
that we kind of have our own roles.
87
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:15,467
Like, when's the last time
you took out the garbage?
88
00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:16,782
You don't do that 'cause you're a man,
89
00:03:16,815 --> 00:03:18,281
you do that 'cause it's
what you like to do.
90
00:03:18,318 --> 00:03:20,358
Yeah, I'm not complaining,
but it's just what we do.
91
00:03:20,431 --> 00:03:22,469
I take out the garbage and
then you do the laundry.
92
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:23,486
Yes,
93
00:03:23,511 --> 00:03:24,510
I do the laundry,
94
00:03:24,536 --> 00:03:25,869
but I only do it because if you did it
95
00:03:25,903 --> 00:03:27,235
you would mix all the colors together,
96
00:03:27,268 --> 00:03:28,868
and you'd shrink
everything in the dryer.
97
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,229
Of course, I don't like reading
those little tags, and plus
98
00:03:31,309 --> 00:03:33,701
I don't believe in
segregation of any kind.
99
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,759
Well, I don't cook.
100
00:03:34,785 --> 00:03:35,984
I know you don't cook.
101
00:03:36,014 --> 00:03:38,400
I mean, wouldn't be mad
at you if you did, though.
102
00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:40,640
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, is that asking for too much?
103
00:03:40,694 --> 00:03:42,828
I'm just saying, look, Maxine,
104
00:03:42,881 --> 00:03:44,514
we have different roles.
105
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:47,356
I mean, w-who-who's the one
that always loads the dishwasher?
106
00:03:47,425 --> 00:03:49,591
Because you never
rinse the dishes first.
107
00:03:49,645 --> 00:03:51,445
What's the point of having a dishwasher
108
00:03:51,490 --> 00:03:53,157
if you've got to rinse off the dishes?!
109
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:56,797
We have a system that works, all right?
110
00:03:56,854 --> 00:03:58,754
I like it, you like
it, what's the problem?
111
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:01,768
I don't like being told a
woman's place, Jerrod, and
112
00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,842
for the record, the men in this
family aren't particularly manly
113
00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:06,182
at all.
114
00:04:06,214 --> 00:04:08,948
Why, I never.
115
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,616
Oh, come on, Joe.
116
00:04:10,656 --> 00:04:12,689
Look, your favorite
actor is Sandra Bullock,
117
00:04:12,739 --> 00:04:14,172
and, Bobby,
118
00:04:14,209 --> 00:04:17,577
you cry more than any woman
I have ever met in my life.
119
00:04:17,659 --> 00:04:18,725
Well, look here, Maxine,
120
00:04:18,752 --> 00:04:20,592
if you're trying to make
me cry, it's too late.
121
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,829
I cried a bunch of tears this morning.
122
00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:27,289
Yeah, and, Jerrod,
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00:04:27,327 --> 00:04:29,247
you have the arms of a
person who's been battling
124
00:04:29,318 --> 00:04:30,958
a heroin addiction
for the last ten years.
125
00:04:32,758 --> 00:04:34,292
- Now that is not true.
- Thank you.
126
00:04:34,331 --> 00:04:38,066
A heroin addict has
veins and definition.
127
00:04:39,181 --> 00:04:43,818
If anything, my son has
the arms of a snowman.
128
00:04:43,930 --> 00:04:45,163
No, no,
129
00:04:45,195 --> 00:04:46,661
Mama, I don't-I don't about that.
130
00:04:46,698 --> 00:04:48,938
I mean, I've seen snowmen
with some big branches on them.
131
00:04:49,016 --> 00:04:49,853
Maxine,
132
00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:51,708
who you think built
this roof over your head?
133
00:04:51,754 --> 00:04:53,721
- Me and my sons.
- JERROD: That's right.
134
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:56,804
You reshingled half the
roof about ten years ago,
135
00:04:56,878 --> 00:05:00,079
so I don't know what
you're bragging about.
136
00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:02,725
Now, Mama, that was the
hottest summer on record.
137
00:05:02,788 --> 00:05:05,155
You wanted us to die up there?
138
00:05:05,214 --> 00:05:08,015
Yeah, see, Cynthia, they're
not as manly as they claim.
139
00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:09,316
I'm not taking sides.
140
00:05:09,348 --> 00:05:11,548
I'm just saying I want my roof finished.
141
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:12,734
Well, you know what, Ma,
142
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:15,365
maybe today is the day
that we finish the roof.
143
00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:17,062
(laughs)
144
00:05:17,103 --> 00:05:19,003
Oh, you're gonna...
you're gonna fix the roof?
145
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,783
Yes, yes, I'm gonna
fix the roof, Maxine.
146
00:05:20,827 --> 00:05:22,026
It's a man's job.
147
00:05:22,056 --> 00:05:24,490
Let's not be so civil
that we deny reality.
148
00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:25,883
There are men's jobs.
149
00:05:25,917 --> 00:05:27,216
Let me ask you a question.
150
00:05:27,249 --> 00:05:28,281
If you're walking down the street,
151
00:05:28,308 --> 00:05:29,508
you saw a building being built
152
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:31,005
by an all female construction crew,
153
00:05:31,042 --> 00:05:33,409
would you go in that building?
154
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,800
Of course. That's a stupid question.
155
00:05:35,858 --> 00:05:38,125
Please. There's no way
you're gonna risk your life
156
00:05:38,181 --> 00:05:39,280
for feminism, Maxine.
157
00:05:39,308 --> 00:05:40,641
JOE: That settles it.
158
00:05:40,675 --> 00:05:42,975
The Carmichael men are
gonna finish the roof!
159
00:05:43,032 --> 00:05:44,799
- Yes.
- Ooh, a battle
160
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:46,476
of the sexes. That's right, Mama,
161
00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:48,483
we're about to give
you broads the business.
162
00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:49,832
Bobby!
163
00:05:49,865 --> 00:05:52,098
Sorry about that. I
just love challenges.
164
00:05:52,154 --> 00:05:54,288
Not only are we gonna fix the roof,
165
00:05:54,341 --> 00:05:56,574
but we'll do so before
you can have a chance
166
00:05:56,629 --> 00:05:57,895
to change that flat tire.
167
00:05:57,927 --> 00:06:00,361
Oh, so you're allowing
me to fix the tire now?
168
00:06:00,422 --> 00:06:03,423
Maxine, not only am I
allowing you to fix the time,
169
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,229
I'm timing it.
170
00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:08,107
Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!
171
00:06:08,176 --> 00:06:10,510
Come on, "on like Donkey Kong"?
172
00:06:10,568 --> 00:06:13,235
You're gonna embarrass me in
front of my mama like that?
173
00:06:14,462 --> 00:06:15,929
Come on, Cynthia, we can do this.
174
00:06:15,966 --> 00:06:18,199
"It's on like Donkey Kong"?
175
00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:19,954
What the hell was that, Maxine?
176
00:06:19,997 --> 00:06:23,132
I got caught up in the
moment. Let's move past it.
177
00:06:23,209 --> 00:06:25,108
Look, I need a ride,
'cause we Ubered here.
178
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,756
Mm-mm, I just sat down...
I ain't gettin' up.
179
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,954
Come on, Cynthia. We need to prove
180
00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:33,041
to these men that women
can do anything men can do.
181
00:06:33,116 --> 00:06:35,316
Pass.
182
00:06:35,370 --> 00:06:36,936
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
183
00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:38,976
Well, why didn't you say so?
184
00:06:39,025 --> 00:06:41,859
Wasting time with all
this feminist jargon!
185
00:06:41,929 --> 00:06:43,796
Show me the money!
186
00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:45,443
Oh, "on like Donkey Kong" is bad,
187
00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,416
but "show me the money" is okay?
188
00:06:47,464 --> 00:06:49,697
No. I'm not quoting anybody.
189
00:06:49,752 --> 00:06:52,987
I mean, actually show me the money.
190
00:06:55,491 --> 00:06:57,559
?
191
00:07:16,262 --> 00:07:18,330
?
192
00:07:32,741 --> 00:07:39,241
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
193
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,918
This is a great day
to stand on the roof.
194
00:07:47,247 --> 00:07:48,087
Day like this
195
00:07:48,108 --> 00:07:49,940
makes me want to grab one of you boys,
196
00:07:49,986 --> 00:07:53,754
hold you up, and show you off
to the neighborhood like Simba.
197
00:07:54,563 --> 00:07:55,763
Guess it's pretty obvious
198
00:07:55,794 --> 00:07:57,460
which one of you'd be Simba.
199
00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:59,469
Yep. Thank you, Daddy.
200
00:07:59,518 --> 00:08:01,718
(chuckles) Yeah, you do feel
201
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,306
pretty powerful up he... Oh! Spider web.
202
00:08:04,369 --> 00:08:06,335
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
203
00:08:06,384 --> 00:08:08,318
You feel real powerful up here.
204
00:08:08,366 --> 00:08:10,332
You know, just make you want to...
205
00:08:10,381 --> 00:08:12,615
(yelling)
206
00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:20,705
All right, before you do any repair job,
207
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,467
it's important that you
got the proper equipment.
208
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:26,469
Failure to do so can and
will get both of y'all killed.
209
00:08:26,541 --> 00:08:28,341
So let's do a checklist. Hammer!
210
00:08:28,386 --> 00:08:29,385
- Yeah.
- Check.
211
00:08:29,411 --> 00:08:30,810
- Nails!
- Yeah. - Check.
212
00:08:30,845 --> 00:08:33,045
That's the end of the checklist.
213
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,433
Wait, a hammer?
214
00:08:34,466 --> 00:08:36,232
How come we can't use a nail gun?
215
00:08:36,277 --> 00:08:37,710
That seems way faster.
216
00:08:37,746 --> 00:08:40,614
Well, I'm not letting you two
idiots mess with a nail gun.
217
00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:43,518
You can't even work a stapler
without winding up in the E.R.
218
00:08:43,588 --> 00:08:44,887
BOBBY: Look...
219
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,888
Daddy, they tell you not to
look down a barrel of a gun,
220
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:51,062
but nobody ever says it about staplers!
221
00:08:51,138 --> 00:08:53,004
All right, now, look, we got to rip off
222
00:08:53,051 --> 00:08:54,951
all these shingles here on this side
223
00:08:54,998 --> 00:08:57,766
- before we put down the new ones.
- Wait, wait, we can't just
224
00:08:57,834 --> 00:08:59,400
put the new ones over the old ones?
225
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,307
I tried that, Bobby... it don't work.
226
00:09:02,377 --> 00:09:03,897
All right, I'm with y'all in a second.
227
00:09:03,935 --> 00:09:06,375
Let me take these shoes off...
I don't want to get them dirty.
228
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,677
You can't be barefoot
on a construction site.
229
00:09:08,732 --> 00:09:10,531
Dad, did you see these?
230
00:09:10,576 --> 00:09:12,443
They're limited.
231
00:09:13,547 --> 00:09:15,882
Are they more limited than your feet?
232
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:18,481
Oh. Whoa, whoa, wait.
Come here, come here.
233
00:09:18,543 --> 00:09:20,070
Is that a naked woman over there?
234
00:09:20,108 --> 00:09:21,607
Ooh. Where?
235
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,645
There, two houses down. Didn't we go
236
00:09:23,695 --> 00:09:25,128
to high school with her?
237
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:26,296
I don't know.
238
00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:28,292
I need her to flip over.
239
00:09:28,341 --> 00:09:30,975
(chuckles): Oh, yeah, we
went to high school with her.
240
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,206
Yeah.
241
00:09:32,236 --> 00:09:34,569
All right, let's enjoy
this father-son moment,
242
00:09:34,627 --> 00:09:37,628
gaze at this butt-naked sunbather.
243
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,869
Then we'll get right back to work.
244
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:45,784
This is nice.
245
00:09:47,028 --> 00:09:49,129
All right, who wants to bang some nails?
246
00:09:52,493 --> 00:09:54,227
(car alarm beeps)
247
00:09:54,271 --> 00:09:57,005
We are independent women
doing it for ourselves.
248
00:09:57,072 --> 00:09:58,305
Calm down.
249
00:09:58,337 --> 00:10:00,304
All you did was pop a trunk.
250
00:10:00,353 --> 00:10:03,587
Listen, I'm all for female solidarity.
251
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:06,600
If you want to call Triple
A and have a man come
252
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:10,040
- and fix this tire, I won't tell.
- No, Cynthia,
253
00:10:10,122 --> 00:10:13,224
the whole point of feminism
is that we can do it ourselves.
254
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:14,966
We are equals. We are women.
255
00:10:15,008 --> 00:10:16,874
Hear us roar!
256
00:10:17,877 --> 00:10:20,845
Don't you get tired of being you?
257
00:10:22,215 --> 00:10:26,318
Isn't it exhausting just
always trying to make a point?
258
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,485
Always trying to prove things?
259
00:10:28,537 --> 00:10:32,406
Don't you want to just
bake cookies sometimes?
260
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,333
No. I'm terrible at baking cookies.
261
00:10:34,379 --> 00:10:36,512
Yeah, I know that. I've
tasted your cookies.
262
00:10:36,565 --> 00:10:39,333
Well, maybe society shouldn't
force me to bake them,
263
00:10:39,401 --> 00:10:41,067
just because of my X chromosomes.
264
00:10:41,109 --> 00:10:45,044
Listen, don't blame your
DNA for your bad cookies.
265
00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:46,940
Look, Cynthia, it is
not about the cookies.
266
00:10:46,985 --> 00:10:49,452
It is about proving to Jerrod
that there are no such things
267
00:10:49,513 --> 00:10:51,046
as man jobs and woman jobs.
268
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,283
There are just jobs.
269
00:10:52,314 --> 00:10:54,348
We can do anything they
can do, and vice versa.
270
00:10:54,398 --> 00:10:56,798
That is not true, Maxine.
271
00:10:56,858 --> 00:10:58,725
Men can't have babies,
272
00:10:58,771 --> 00:11:02,272
and women don't get prostate cancer.
273
00:11:02,358 --> 00:11:04,959
Prostate cancer's not a job.
274
00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:08,991
Well, it looks like a lot of work to me.
275
00:11:09,088 --> 00:11:11,889
Like what you're doing with this tire.
276
00:11:13,392 --> 00:11:15,659
You know something? You turning red.
277
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:20,146
You're already two colors,
now you're adding a third.
278
00:11:20,225 --> 00:11:23,526
(groans) No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
279
00:11:23,607 --> 00:11:26,041
You, uh, you need some help over there?
280
00:11:26,101 --> 00:11:27,771
Why? Because I'm a woman
281
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,375
you think I can't change this tire?
282
00:11:29,415 --> 00:11:30,975
No, I was just trying to be neighborly.
283
00:11:31,037 --> 00:11:32,269
Keep walking, oppressor.
284
00:11:39,014 --> 00:11:41,315
Careful, son. Take pride in what you do.
285
00:11:41,372 --> 00:11:42,538
No time for pride, Dad.
286
00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:43,888
I got to embarrass my girlfriend.
287
00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:44,900
Why-why...
288
00:11:44,925 --> 00:11:46,685
are there are so many
shingles on this thing?
289
00:11:46,752 --> 00:11:50,454
How come they-they can't
make just one big shingle?
290
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,275
Ooh, man. Bobby's having a head rush.
291
00:11:54,354 --> 00:11:56,788
Altitude.
292
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,396
Jerrod, I don't care about your contest.
293
00:12:10,445 --> 00:12:12,078
I care about this roof.
294
00:12:12,119 --> 00:12:14,586
You do realize this roof
is our last line of defense
295
00:12:14,647 --> 00:12:16,413
from all the dangers in the sky, like
296
00:12:16,457 --> 00:12:19,325
nuclear weapons, seagulls,
297
00:12:19,396 --> 00:12:22,530
rain, heavy rain, downpours.
298
00:12:22,607 --> 00:12:24,294
Okay, you ran out of things, didn't you?
299
00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:24,981
No, I didn't.
300
00:12:24,998 --> 00:12:26,831
Aggressive squirrels.
301
00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:29,244
Dad, this is taking way too long.
302
00:12:29,303 --> 00:12:31,637
What if Maxine actually
changes that tire?
303
00:12:31,695 --> 00:12:33,528
And then what if there's
like this Clinton-esque shift
304
00:12:33,573 --> 00:12:34,906
in power in our relationship.
305
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:36,239
I can't be the Good Wife.
306
00:12:38,731 --> 00:12:40,299
Jerrod,
307
00:12:40,338 --> 00:12:42,972
are you trying to dig
through to the living room?
308
00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:44,403
'Cause the way you're moving,
309
00:12:44,438 --> 00:12:46,871
that's the only logical
conclusion I can jump to.
310
00:12:46,931 --> 00:12:48,231
Dad, just stop. Let me get it.
311
00:12:48,264 --> 00:12:49,797
No, just wait, wait, Jerrod, Jerrod.
312
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:51,267
No, no, oh... ow!
313
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,238
Oh, man, I didn't shove you that hard.
314
00:12:53,286 --> 00:12:55,753
I-I stepped on a nail.
315
00:12:55,814 --> 00:12:58,748
Well, I hope your
tetanus shot's up to date.
316
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,654
Move your mouth like this
so you won't get lockjaw.
317
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,682
(grunting) Come on.
318
00:13:08,876 --> 00:13:10,142
I cannot let Jerrod win,
319
00:13:10,174 --> 00:13:11,973
'cause I will never hear the end of it.
320
00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:13,777
With all that yoga
you've been talking about,
321
00:13:13,844 --> 00:13:17,664
I thought you had more
upper body strength.
322
00:13:17,757 --> 00:13:19,724
(sighs) God.
323
00:13:19,773 --> 00:13:21,506
What if we were on the
side of the road somewhere,
324
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:22,916
and no one was around to help us?
325
00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:24,116
I wouldn't be there.
326
00:13:24,146 --> 00:13:26,045
If it was a road trip
with just you and me,
327
00:13:26,093 --> 00:13:28,694
I'd stay home.
328
00:13:28,758 --> 00:13:31,425
Can you at least help me?
329
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:34,458
No, because this is crazy.
330
00:13:34,531 --> 00:13:38,400
Wasting a whole day watching
you try to prove something
331
00:13:38,495 --> 00:13:40,561
you don't even need to prove.
332
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,746
It's not even worth a hundred dollars.
333
00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:46,467
I mean, I'm gonna keep it, though.
334
00:13:46,557 --> 00:13:48,424
What is this about, Maxine?
335
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:51,704
You think Jerrod wants a-a girlfriend
336
00:13:51,783 --> 00:13:53,249
who can change a tire?
337
00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:55,988
I don't care what kind of
girlfriend Jerrod wants.
338
00:13:56,054 --> 00:13:59,289
Well, then, Maxine, what is this for?
339
00:13:59,368 --> 00:14:02,268
The world doesn't care if
you can't change a tire.
340
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:04,741
And I know that you don't
have to change a tire
341
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,099
before you go in to one of them
342
00:14:06,132 --> 00:14:09,734
feminist bra-burning meetings of yours.
343
00:14:09,822 --> 00:14:12,556
(groans) It's because no
one ever takes me seriously!
344
00:14:12,623 --> 00:14:14,623
Did you just stomp your foot?
345
00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:18,033
Well, that was adorable.
346
00:14:18,089 --> 00:14:19,255
Ugh, God.
347
00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:20,985
See?
348
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,027
Everyone just thinks that
I'm cute and I'm nice.
349
00:14:23,077 --> 00:14:24,410
No one's scared of me.
350
00:14:24,444 --> 00:14:26,177
No one thinks I'm a formidable opponent.
351
00:14:26,220 --> 00:14:27,953
Any time I try to do
anything that requires
352
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:29,096
any sort of strength,
353
00:14:29,124 --> 00:14:30,557
a man thinks that I need his help,
354
00:14:30,593 --> 00:14:31,759
but I don't.
355
00:14:31,789 --> 00:14:32,921
Maxine.
356
00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:34,950
I do not think you are helpless.
357
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,702
In fact, I think you are
one of the most bull-headed,
358
00:14:38,792 --> 00:14:40,992
aggravating people I have ever met.
359
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,681
When you find a bone to pick,
360
00:14:43,746 --> 00:14:45,412
you just won't let it go.
361
00:14:45,454 --> 00:14:47,354
And even when you win the argument,
362
00:14:47,401 --> 00:14:49,768
you're still just picking at it.
363
00:14:49,827 --> 00:14:51,560
Really?
364
00:14:51,603 --> 00:14:52,969
Thank you, Cynthia.
365
00:14:53,004 --> 00:14:54,737
That is not a compliment.
366
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,280
You should be offended
367
00:14:56,318 --> 00:14:58,551
by what I just said to you,
368
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:01,374
and honestly, I think this is
369
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,510
what's going to break up you and my son.
370
00:15:04,586 --> 00:15:06,452
What? My belief that a woman can be
371
00:15:06,498 --> 00:15:08,198
more than a wife and a mother?
372
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,876
Oh, well, excuse me, Ms. 28-year-old,
373
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,999
"I think I can change a
tire to prove I'm equal."
374
00:15:15,073 --> 00:15:17,574
True feminism is when a woman knows
375
00:15:17,636 --> 00:15:20,470
where she wants to be in the world.
376
00:15:20,539 --> 00:15:22,072
Now, if you want to join the Army,
377
00:15:22,111 --> 00:15:24,644
and get trench foot, you go for it.
378
00:15:24,707 --> 00:15:26,674
But if I want to be in my kitchen,
379
00:15:26,723 --> 00:15:28,623
baking cookies for my family,
380
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:30,503
then you can't say boo to me,
381
00:15:30,549 --> 00:15:32,249
because I have burned
382
00:15:32,291 --> 00:15:34,925
bigger bras than you will ever wear.
383
00:15:39,465 --> 00:15:40,999
My boobs are bigger than you think!
384
00:15:41,037 --> 00:15:43,037
That wasn't meant for you.
385
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:46,529
Ah, Dad, this really hurts.
386
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,538
Who steps on a nail, Jerrod?
387
00:15:48,587 --> 00:15:50,253
You know how many
nails I got in my body?
388
00:15:50,295 --> 00:15:53,463
None. 'Cause I got gravy
and Wendy's double stacks
389
00:15:53,541 --> 00:15:55,841
pushing back against them.
390
00:15:55,898 --> 00:15:57,665
Now, Dad, I don't want to kick Jerrod
391
00:15:57,709 --> 00:15:58,875
when he's down,
392
00:15:58,905 --> 00:16:00,265
but I just want to make the point,
393
00:16:00,322 --> 00:16:03,507
that Bobby Carmichael didn't
step on any nails today.
394
00:16:03,585 --> 00:16:06,552
I got one son drinking
juice out of a pouch,
395
00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:08,192
and another son whining
396
00:16:08,231 --> 00:16:10,030
about this little nail in his foot.
397
00:16:10,075 --> 00:16:12,309
I-I don't even know
what I'm doing here.
398
00:16:12,365 --> 00:16:13,631
A-actually, you know what?
399
00:16:13,663 --> 00:16:14,895
It's all your fault.
400
00:16:14,926 --> 00:16:17,427
You raised us to be men for a world
401
00:16:17,489 --> 00:16:19,322
that doesn't exist anymore.
402
00:16:19,368 --> 00:16:22,202
Jerrod, a man is a
man in whatever world.
403
00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:24,406
No, Dad. You know you
taught us how to, like,
404
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,958
re-shingle roofs, and change tires,
405
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:28,820
and check out other women
406
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:31,332
while our wives don't notice, but...
407
00:16:31,393 --> 00:16:32,626
you basically
408
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,392
showed us how to be the
greatest men of 1972,
409
00:16:35,459 --> 00:16:37,959
but that's not the
point anymore, you know.
410
00:16:38,021 --> 00:16:39,621
I-it's not what defines you as a man...
411
00:16:39,661 --> 00:16:41,160
strength and fixing things.
412
00:16:41,198 --> 00:16:42,398
Yeah, that's right, Dad.
413
00:16:42,428 --> 00:16:43,694
Women don't care about muscles
414
00:16:43,727 --> 00:16:45,026
and tool belts no more.
415
00:16:45,059 --> 00:16:46,425
Look, I got a friend
named Clayton, right.
416
00:16:46,459 --> 00:16:47,992
He's frail and he play the ukulele.
417
00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:49,263
This dude has banged
418
00:16:49,294 --> 00:16:50,861
more women than Wilt Chamberlin.
419
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:53,201
Yeah, that's true, Dad.
420
00:16:53,258 --> 00:16:54,624
Like, when you were a
kid, if you saw a dude
421
00:16:54,658 --> 00:16:56,391
with, like, a thick
beard, and a flannel shirt,
422
00:16:56,435 --> 00:16:57,801
you'd think he was a lumberjack.
423
00:16:57,836 --> 00:16:59,302
Now that dude sells organic juice,
424
00:16:59,339 --> 00:17:00,572
and he doesn't climax
425
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:03,937
until he's sure his girlfriend has.
426
00:17:04,019 --> 00:17:05,219
Why would he do that?
427
00:17:05,249 --> 00:17:07,082
Daddy, 'cause it's all mixed up, man.
428
00:17:07,128 --> 00:17:08,561
Like, for instance, I
went on a date, right.
429
00:17:08,597 --> 00:17:09,796
And this girl just wanted me
430
00:17:09,827 --> 00:17:11,107
to be a man in public, you know.
431
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:13,326
She had me opening
doors, and buying dinner.
432
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:16,114
And then when we got
home, she took control.
433
00:17:16,181 --> 00:17:17,881
Yeah, she did things to me in bed,
434
00:17:17,924 --> 00:17:20,224
I've been trying to block
out of my head for years.
435
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,993
Son? Never block out your sex memories.
436
00:17:25,063 --> 00:17:28,064
You're going to need them one day.
437
00:17:28,138 --> 00:17:30,405
You know, I just got to accept I'm not
438
00:17:30,461 --> 00:17:32,094
a man in the traditional way
439
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,635
you're supposed to be a man.
440
00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:34,738
I'm the type of man
441
00:17:34,765 --> 00:17:36,498
who needs a man around the house.
442
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:41,186
The other day, I was
trying to make dinner,
443
00:17:41,257 --> 00:17:43,023
and I couldn't open a jar, you know.
444
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,233
You know what I did?
445
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,730
I ate something else.
446
00:17:49,045 --> 00:17:50,779
- You ate something else?
- Yeah.
447
00:17:50,823 --> 00:17:52,122
Son, you got to break the jar.
448
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,255
- Eat glass if you have to.
- No.
449
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:57,141
No, Dad. I'm not that
type of guy, you know.
450
00:17:57,211 --> 00:17:58,911
And I'm not dating that type of girl.
451
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:00,286
I'm in love with a woman
452
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,719
that wanted to change a tire,
453
00:18:01,755 --> 00:18:03,021
and I stopped her,
454
00:18:03,053 --> 00:18:04,813
because I was afraid
of what you would think,
455
00:18:04,856 --> 00:18:05,856
and what Mom would think.
456
00:18:05,904 --> 00:18:07,555
But I can't think of one good reason
457
00:18:07,597 --> 00:18:09,397
why she shouldn't change that tire.
458
00:18:09,442 --> 00:18:11,108
Well, I can.
459
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:13,317
You know, what if she
slips and-and falls,
460
00:18:13,370 --> 00:18:16,271
and cuts her face on the tire iron?
461
00:18:16,343 --> 00:18:18,309
Now you're dating Seal.
462
00:18:21,431 --> 00:18:23,733
You want to date Seal, Jerrod, huh?
463
00:18:23,790 --> 00:18:26,390
I didn't think so.
464
00:18:26,454 --> 00:18:28,414
So you mean, seriously,
you're going to sit there,
465
00:18:28,486 --> 00:18:30,237
and watch your girlfriend
change the tire?
466
00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:32,048
No, no, no. I wouldn't watch her do it.
467
00:18:32,092 --> 00:18:34,192
I'd go in the house and
watch Property Brothers.
468
00:18:34,244 --> 00:18:36,444
Uh, let me ask you something, son.
469
00:18:36,498 --> 00:18:38,364
Did I fail you, or
did you fail yourself?
470
00:18:38,411 --> 00:18:41,112
No, Dad. No one failed anyone.
471
00:18:41,179 --> 00:18:43,713
I just don't want to be
told what to do as a man,
472
00:18:43,775 --> 00:18:45,041
and I can't tell my girlfriend
473
00:18:45,073 --> 00:18:46,506
what to do as a woman.
474
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:49,477
Well, I guess I have to accept you as a
475
00:18:49,549 --> 00:18:51,015
gender-neutral, 21st century
476
00:18:51,052 --> 00:18:52,385
creature that you are.
477
00:18:52,419 --> 00:18:55,053
Okay, no one said anything
about gender-neutral.
478
00:18:55,118 --> 00:18:56,450
I'm just evolved.
479
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,684
No. You can use any restroom
480
00:18:58,739 --> 00:19:00,305
that you feel fits you.
481
00:19:00,344 --> 00:19:01,476
Matter of fact, I'm not even
482
00:19:01,505 --> 00:19:02,871
going to call you "he" or "she",
483
00:19:02,906 --> 00:19:04,773
from here on out, I'm
going to call you "Thou".
484
00:19:06,526 --> 00:19:08,661
All right, no one's transgender, Dad.
485
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,447
I just don't want to fix this roof.
486
00:19:10,491 --> 00:19:14,059
Well, Thou can do
whatever Thou wants to do.
487
00:19:14,146 --> 00:19:15,345
Daddy, that was beautiful.
488
00:19:15,376 --> 00:19:16,742
- Thank you, son.
- No, no, stop.
489
00:19:16,776 --> 00:19:18,896
I'm going to go down here.
I'm going to call a roofer.
490
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,449
Well, I hope it's not
going to be a woman roofer.
491
00:19:20,487 --> 00:19:22,767
I don't mean to be sexist,
but if the police find
492
00:19:22,823 --> 00:19:24,463
a woman on my roof,
they're going to think
493
00:19:24,505 --> 00:19:25,671
she escaped from the basement
494
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,160
after 20 years of imprisonment.
495
00:19:32,217 --> 00:19:33,484
(sighs)
496
00:19:36,693 --> 00:19:39,094
Hey.
497
00:19:39,153 --> 00:19:41,420
Ha. I did it.
498
00:19:41,476 --> 00:19:43,009
Screw you, Jerrod.
499
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,083
Oh, roses.
500
00:19:46,157 --> 00:19:47,990
Maxine, I'm not a roofer.
501
00:19:48,036 --> 00:19:49,335
So you guys didn't finish?
502
00:19:49,368 --> 00:19:50,734
Nah. Not even close.
503
00:19:50,769 --> 00:19:52,769
In fact, I think it's
worse than when we started.
504
00:19:52,819 --> 00:19:54,319
But you're right, Maxine.
505
00:19:54,356 --> 00:19:56,689
You can do anything that I can do.
506
00:19:56,747 --> 00:19:58,147
Thank you.
507
00:19:59,207 --> 00:20:00,373
But I-I mean that.
508
00:20:00,402 --> 00:20:01,168
Like, from now on, you're going to do
509
00:20:01,189 --> 00:20:02,255
all the things that I do.
510
00:20:02,282 --> 00:20:03,722
You're going to change all the tires,
511
00:20:03,759 --> 00:20:04,891
you're going to take out the garbage,
512
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,346
you're going to kill all the bugs,
513
00:20:06,382 --> 00:20:08,382
uh, I think that's pretty
much the end of the list.
514
00:20:08,432 --> 00:20:09,432
Yeah, you don't do a lot.
515
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,322
I know.
516
00:20:10,344 --> 00:20:12,344
I should do more, but...
517
00:20:12,394 --> 00:20:13,693
Hey, what happened here?
518
00:20:13,726 --> 00:20:16,094
Oh, uh, yeah, I slipped
on the tire iron,
519
00:20:16,153 --> 00:20:17,352
and scratched myself.
520
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:18,502
Oh, my God, Bobby was right.
521
00:20:18,554 --> 00:20:21,178
Let me see your face.
522
00:20:21,242 --> 00:20:24,944
Whew. God, we dodged the Seal bullet.
523
00:20:25,035 --> 00:20:26,968
What... what is a Seal bullet?
524
00:20:27,016 --> 00:20:28,496
That's where a bullet hits your face,
525
00:20:28,556 --> 00:20:30,856
and you end up looking like Seal.
526
00:20:32,544 --> 00:20:35,703
- Why is there so much junk up here?
- Oh, no, Maxine, I went
527
00:20:35,779 --> 00:20:37,819
through a phase where I
thought I could throw things
528
00:20:37,892 --> 00:20:40,695
over the house... I couldn't.
529
00:20:40,764 --> 00:20:42,404
JOE: Said it once and
I will say it again,
530
00:20:42,468 --> 00:20:44,272
it's fun being up on the roof,
531
00:20:44,317 --> 00:20:47,451
if you're not waiting for FEMA.
532
00:20:47,528 --> 00:20:49,362
Well, me and Maxine,
533
00:20:49,408 --> 00:20:51,174
we couldn't have done a better job.
534
00:20:51,218 --> 00:20:54,286
You should have seen the
way we changed that tire.
535
00:20:55,248 --> 00:20:56,949
Oh, we changed that tire?
536
00:20:56,992 --> 00:20:59,025
Oh! Look!
537
00:20:59,075 --> 00:21:02,944
Is that a naked girl over there?
538
00:21:03,039 --> 00:21:04,271
Where?
539
00:21:04,302 --> 00:21:08,304
(calling): Denise! We can see you, girl.
540
00:21:09,972 --> 00:21:12,540
Put some clothes on!
541
00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:15,137
No, don't stand!
542
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,467
Squatting is worse!
543
00:21:17,517 --> 00:21:22,067
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