All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e07 Ex Con.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

(cell phone ringing)

Who was that?

Didn't recognize the number.

If it's an emergency, they'll,
like, leave a frantic voice mail

telling me who died
and what the next steps are.

Well, did they leave a voice mail?

Yeah, no. No voice mail.

How can you just sit there,
like, not knowing who called?

Doesn't it drive you crazy?
It drives me crazy.

You know what? We should call them back

and we should find out who it is.

It'll be exciting.

I-I don't answer the calls
that I don't recognize

'cause it could be anybody.

It could be Bank of America

calling, asking for all
that money I owe them.

Or, like, it may be, like,
this scorned woman from my past

that's calling, trying to seek revenge.

How many scorned women
from your past want revenge?

And how much debt are you in?

Both are high numbers, Maxine.

(phone ringing)

Oh.

Hello.

What?

Are you kidding me? Yeah, no.

Come over now.

Yeah, 1311 Sycamore Ave, apartment 4-B.

Perfect.

All right. I'll see you soon. Peace.

Who was that?

That's my friend Shawn.

He just got out of prison.
He's on his way over here now.

Wait. How-How long was he in prison for?

Oh, ten years.

Damn...

I am so excited to see Shawn.

Wait, ten years?

Yeah, and, uh...

Wait, as your boyfriend, Maxine...

and I never thought I'd says this...

but maybe you should
change into something

less attractive, you know?

I love Shawn, he's one
of my best friends,

but he's been in prison
for, like, ten years,

and right now, your legs
look like the Golden Arches.

You know what I mean?

- It's just...
- Okay.

Should I be concerned?

No, don't be concerned at all.

Shawn is great and you're
going to love him, really.

But... if at some point
during the conversation,

you want to slip in this lie

about how you have herpes,
it couldn't hurt.

Shawn's coming over.

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Jerrod, we heard.

Your convict friend is free.

We came over to say
the man is a monster,

a menace to society

and all those other movies that
I can't think of the name now.

Boyz n the Hood.

Yeah, that one, too.

We hope you are not considering

bringing this man back into our lives.

Yeah, what she said.

Hey, Maxine.

So, wait, let me get this straight.

You guys came all the way over here

just to yell at me?

Well, your mama insisted on
yelling at you to your face.

I wanted IHOP, but I thought,

well, y'all probably got
breakfast over here, too.

We could just kill

two birds with one stone.

I'll have a waffle.

I'm not sexist, so I'm fine

with either one of you
preparing it for me.

Don't say those things about Shawn.

He's a nice guy, he just
got into some trouble.

He stole out of the collection plate.

He was getting change.

He stole our car, son.

He borrowed your car without asking.

He brought it back.

Jerrod, he was always
coming over to the house

smelling like weed.

He gave me a contact high, I think.

It was relaxing...

but I'm still mad at him about it.

You guys, I'm sure that he has gotten

a chance to do some growing up.

I mean, it's been ten years.

Yeah, exactly.

Ten years in prison.

You don't spend ten years in the
most violent place on earth

and magically reappear less violent.

Shawn's not violent,
he's a drug dealer.

He's basically Gandhi

if Gandhi sold cocaine
within a school zone.

And don't say things

like that about Shawn.

You're going to get in Maxine's head

and she's going to have
these preconceived notions

of who he is before he even gets here.

He's coming over here?

Well, if he's coming here, honey,

I'm going to go hide
all of your valuables.

This here painting, how
much y'all pay for that?

The one with the umbrella.

Ma!

It's going in the closet.

Why are you guys going
crazy over Shawn?

It's Shawn. You know Shawn.

You've known him since we were kids.

Yeah, and I knew since you were kids

he was going to be a drug dealer.

You could see it in his eyes.
He had them cocaine eyes.

We used to pray for Shawn
to turn his life around

and become a productive
member of society.

But that didn't happen.

So now I'm focusing all my prayers

on those people in Flint
drinking that gasoline water.

JOE: You know, when Mexico's

got cleaner water than you,

you know it's time to move.

Okay, you guys, come on.

Jerrod seems to trust the guy.

We should give him a chance.

I mean, especially at a time

where he needs support and to be

surrounded by people who love him.

Well, that's not us.

Why is he out so soon?

I thought he got 13 years.

He got out early for good behavior.

Good behavior in prison?

That's like when you don't
shank somebody in the shower.

Now, good behavior for normal people,

that's like, say, you give a
homeless man five dollars.

You ever done that?

I gave a homeless man
five dollars once.

It was an accident,
but it still felt good.

CYNTHIA: Maxine,

why are you letting a
convict into your house?

Especially wearing that outfit.

I'm not saying you asking for it,

but you not not asking for it.

He's going to find out where you live.

Where you sleep.

Where you think you're safe.

But you not gon' be,
'cause he's watching.

Always watching.

Okay, relax, everybody.

It's Shawn we're talking about.

Not the woman that killed
Selena, all right?

He's a good guy, and he's my friend.

And just because he went to
prison doesn't change anything.

When he returns and gets here,
he'll still be my friend.

(knocking)

My man!

Ah! What's happening?

Jerrod, what's up, baby?

Damn, you grew up on me.

You got a little taller, but you
still ain't gained no weight.

Yeah, man. You look good, man.

Like, you got no visible gashes.

No neck tattoos.

You might be able
to get a job at a bank.

MAXINE: Well, hello.

Welcome. I'm Maxine. Nice to meet you.

- Damn. She's fine.
- Right?

Yeah. I mean, she's, like, a ten, brah.

- Yeah.
- And not just by prison standards.

Well, thank you.

Oh, stop it. She look all right.

How you doing, Mrs. Carmichael?

Shawn, you're not gonna charm me.

I already know I'm fine.

Mr. Carmichael.

Yep.

Shawn,

talk to me, man...
where are you staying?

Well, right now they got
me at this halfway house.

You know, everybody in there
look like a Batman villain,

but, you know, I'm gonna make it work

until I could find something better.

Don't... You can't stay
at a halfway house.

You know what? Just stay here
with us for a couple of days.

Now, look at that. There it is.

He hasn't been here five minutes,

and he already wormed his
way into a place to stay.

Jerrod, don't let him charm you.

Look, Cynthia, he just
got out of prison...

don't you think he deserves a
couple of nights in a nice place?

I mean, have you ever
been in a halfway house?

Do I look like I ever
been in a halfway house?!

Well, they're overcrowded,
there's no privacy,

no sense of safety or well-being.

It's no better than jail.

Look, I promise y'all I'm
not looking for nothin'.

I just wanted to reconnect
with my man Jerrod,

meet Maxine, and just
pick up where I left off.

You know, I'm glad you guys are here,

'cause I just want to say thank you.

All you ever did was try to show me

what a God-fearing,
stable house looks like,

when nobody else took
the time out for me.

That's nice, man. And you don't have

to explain yourself to them.

I'm happy you're here,
and you can stay here

as long as you need to.

You sure? I mean,

you ain't got to do this.

And you shouldn't.

Hey, man, I'm really happy you're here.

In fact, hey, Maxine, is
it cool if I hang out

with Shawn for a bit?
You want to get some breakfast?

Yeah, man. I been dreaming
about IHOP for ten years.

Hmm.

Well, we came to yell at
Jerrod; he didn't listen.

Mm-hmm.

I wanted breakfast;
they ended up getting IHOP.

Cynthia, I don't think we
killed any birds on this visit.

Well...

Maxine, you can't say
we didn't warn you.

That Shawn is bad news.

Mm-hmm. Jerrod has always been
too blind to see Shawn's faults.

Look, Jerrod is an adult now.

I trust him to make good decisions.

Look, I promised myself a
waffle on the way over here.

Now, if you get the waffle iron,
the batter, make the waffle,

I can do the rest.

(both laughing)

Oh...

(slurring): You... Okay, okay, all right.

- All right, you good?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Here's what we're gonna do...
we're gonna go in here,

we're not gonna look
like we been drinking,

at all, we're not gonna act
like we've been drinking...

Your girl don't let you drink?

She does, but...

we left at breakfast time,

and it's almost breakfast time again,

and so she might be a little concerned.

Jerrod, I'm a little concerned.

(sputters)

Hey, boo.

I'm so sorry we came in so late.

But... I stopped by the taco truck

and got you a burrito!

Who's the best boyfriend ever!

What...

Is that blood on this bag?

Yes.

But it's not mine.

Jerrod, what happened tonight?

(exhales) Nothing much.

I mean, Shawn got in a little scuffle.

MAXINE: A scuffle? Like, a fight?

No, no, not, like, a fight.

Like, a little dust-up.

That also means fight.

No, like, a...
like, a scrum, if you will.

Okay, well, Shawn can get
arrested for a scuffle,

- and then he'll go right back to prison.
- SHAWN: Maxine,

- don't be mad at Jerrod.
- Yeah, don't be mad at Jerrod.

- It was my fault.
- MAXINE: Yeah.

I know. You got in a fight
your first night out of prison.

I'm pretty sure it's your fault.

Well, don't be mad at Shawn.

I mean, he was

a hero tonight.
You should've seen what...

So, this is what happened.

So, we were just at the
bar, we're having fun,

we're having a great time,
and then this man

who was incredibly rude just came out

and he stepped on my Jordans.

These!

Like, my first thought
when he did it was like,

"Man. I really want to punch
this man in the face."

- But I didn't do it.
- He didn't.

- I did not do it, right?
- Nope.

I didn't do it. Well, let me
tell you what happened next.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I know what happened.

You don't know what happened,
Max. You weren't there.

You weren't there, Max.

- Are you ready? Are you excited?
- I know what... Okay.

Don't get ahead of the story.
You're gonna spoil it.

Shawn punched the man in the face.

Didn't you do it?

- Didn't you do it though?
- I did it.

He did it. He really did it.

SHAWN: Can I go wash

- the blood off my hands?
- Yeah,

- you go do that right now.
- Thank you.

That's actually a good idea.

You got to wash the evidence off.

Jerrod, Shawn

is supposed to be making
a new life for himself.

And staying out and getting
drunk isn't helping.

Well, I mean,
Shawn just got out of prison,

like, a day ago, Maxine.

Okay, look, I don't
know Shawn like you do,

but what he does in
these first two weeks

is critical to his success.

What he does is critical to his success.

Okay, I got it.

(sighs)

Hey, Maxine.

- Maxine.
- Hmm?

- Ma-Maxine.
- What?

(burps)

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

Good morning.

You guys partied pretty
hard last night.

Jerrod's still passed out.

I don't think I've ever
seen him that drunk before.

Hey, Maxine.

You think you could give me a ride?

Uh, yeah, I'm sure once Jerrod gets up.

Come on, Maxine,
you can't give me a ride?

It's work-related.

It's this girl. She said she
might have some business for me.

- Um...
- Come on, Maxine.

What about all that stuff you
was sayin' about me needing

to get out there and get
started on the right foot?

Hmm? You ain't gonna
help me get some work?

Okay. Yeah, fine.

I think I'm having a herpes flare-up,

so...

...I'm just gonna, um,
go get my herpes medicine

and then, uh, we can... we can go.

I-I have herpes.

So no one was gonna tell Nekeisha

that Shawn was out of jail?

I mean, I would've tried to
sleep with him already, but...

(chuckles) Okay, Nekeisha,

look, you're not gonna come
over to my parents' house,

using their washing machine,

talking about sleeping with
somebody I grew up with.

Okay, you're only gonna
take advantage of me

one way at a time.

Bobby, there's something
that you got to realize, okay?

During the course of this
divorce, eventually,

we're gonna sleep with
each other's friends.

I mean, Charlotte is a growing city,

but it's still a small town.

That's not fair at all.

Because all your friends are
dudes you used to sleep with.

How is that fair to me? I don't
want to sleep with other dudes.

So it's my fault that I know
how to maintain relationships?

I'm not playing the blame
game with you, Bobby.

- I'm not the one, okay?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Have either of you seen Maxine?

No, I haven't seen her.
But if I do, I'll let you know.

She will. She'll
definitely let you know.

- That's what she's good at.
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I'm a very
informational type of bitch.

Ma, Dad, have y'all seen
or talked to Maxine?

She left this note saying she
was taking Shawn somewhere,

but neither of 'em are
answering their phones.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Wait a minute, you think
Maxine is cheating on you?

Ooh. Or worse,

she dead in a ditch somewhere.

I'm pretty sure those aren't
my only two options, Bobby.

You're right. It's just
the first 48 hours.

- 'Cause after that, the trail gets cold.
- No, no.

I'm certain I'm just
overreacting, right?

Sure. Don't worry.

I mean, you did say, "So
what if he dealt drugs?

So what if he wound up
locked up for ten years?"

Cynthia, you remember all
those nights he was hanging out

with Shawn and we told
ourselves, "Don't worry"?

Oh, yeah. But it didn't matter though.

- We still worried.
- Mm-hmm.

So why don't you do what we did
when we worried about you?

You can sit on the couch all
night watchin' infomercials.

Do you know how many Miracle
Mops I bought because of you?

A lot of 'em.

And the miracle was they was just mops.

Got so bad for me,

the only thing to keep me awake,

I had to watch the Weather Channel.

Thanks to Jerrod and his
knucklehead friend Shawn,

now I know the average annual rainfall

of every part of this
country from 2002 to 2006.

Syracuse, New York.

38 inches.

Wow, Daddy, you the Rain Man of rain.

Hold on. Why y'all
trippin' off of Shawn?

Just because he's a drug dealer
doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

Some would call him an entrepreneur.

Okay, relax. Let's not talk
about the man like he's

an American hero.
I mean, he is a drug dealer

who punched a man
in the face last night

for stepping on my J's. I
thought it was cool at the time,

but sober me is realizing
that's insane behavior.

Well,

Jerrod, you the one that
brought him into your house

and said that everything
was gonna be fine.

It's fine for me. I know
when not to get in the car

with Shawn. But Maxine's not
used to these shady situations.

She's not used to dealing
with shady people.

She's only used to dealing
with amazing people like me.

Jerrod, I'm sure Maxine'll be
just fine. She's not helpless.

She kind of is though, Nekeisha. Like,

she's not used to handling
things like this.

She's not street-smart like you are.

Is that your way of
calling me book-dumb?

Because that is offensive.

I should've never brought
Shawn into my home.

Or you can look at it another way:

you should've never invited
Maxine into your house.

- (Maxine and Shawn chuckle)
- (scoffs)

There you guys are.
Where have you been?

What? Shawn asked me to take
him to see an old friend

about a job. What are
you so worked up about?

I've called you, like, a million times.

- You didn't call me.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait. Oh, my phone
is on silent. Sorry.

Oh, 16 missed calls.
Geez, what's wrong?

Maxine, do you mind if I talk
to Shawn alone for a minute?

Yeah. All right.

Shawn,

where'd you have Maxine
take you just now?

Why you trippin', man?
I just had to drop something off

real quick. No big deal.

What'd you have to drop what off?

Some cocaine.

Really?

Yeah, the girl I was going to see,

she wanted to buy some cocaine.
I was gonna get laid, too,

but I didn't want to be rude and
keep Maxine waitin' in the car.

You know, that's your girl and all.

Why would you involve
Maxine in a drug deal?

Why would you bring drugs into
my apartment in the first place?

I've been trying to look out for you.

Yeah, I know. And I was trying
to look out for myself, man.

Listen, I got to make money, bro.
I'm a felon.

What you want me to do,
work at McDonald's

so I can save up enough money
to buy a little crappy car,

just so I can drive back and
forth to McDonald's every day?

I-I thought you understood
my dilemma, bro.

What are you gonna do
when you get caught again?

I spent a whole lot of time
thinkin' about that, right?

Now, prison taught me
that I don't ever want

to go back there.

Period.

But I made myself a promise.

I said, "When I get back
out here selling drugs,

I'm-a make sure I try real,
real hard not to get caught."

(scoffing)

Ten years in prison and-and
that's the lesson you learned.

Listen, man, why you coming
at me like this, Jerrod?

Come on, man. I'm the same
person I was ten years ago.

I know. I know you are.
But I'm not, man.

A lot's changed. I got
something to lose now.

And if you're gonna do that,
you can't be around me,

you can't be around my girl, and
you can't be around my family.

Look, I-I really hate

to throw you out, Shawn,
but if you're gonna do that,

I'm sorry, but...

you got to go, man.

Hey, um,

I think you should know, man,

your girl got herpes.

Thank you.

Did Shawn just leave?

Yeah. And he's not coming back either.

- Why? What happened?
- Well,

Maxine, how do I say this?

You were just the wheelman
in a cocaine deal.

What?

- At that girl's house?
- Mm-hmm.

He was selling her drugs?

Man, I figured he was lying to me,

but I thought they
were just having sex.

I mean, he was only in
there for a few minutes,

but, you know, the guy's been
in jail for ten years, so...

Well, look, I'm really sorry you
had to get involved in all that.

It's so hard for me, you know?
Like, Shawn was such

an important part of my life.
And it's hard to imagine

my life without him in it.

Yeah, I know.

But, hey, I still believe
that anyone can change.

Yeah, I hope so, too.
But mostly for your sake.

Shawn just used you as a drug mule,

so you're a drug dealer now, Maxine.

Hey, does this give me street cred?

People with street cred
don't use the term

- "street cred," Maxine.
- (chuckles)

- They don't have to ask either.
- (laughs)

- Okay. "Dear Shawn, how are you?"
- Mm-hmm.

Don't ask him how he's doing.

He's doing bad, Maxine.
He's back in prison.

Ooh, tell Shawn that I said hey.

But put, like, a lot of Es in it,

so it'd be like, "Hey..."

Shawn is so cute.
He's almost as cute as that dude

with the mug shot picture
that got the light eyes

and the teardrop tattoo.

Jeremy Meeks.

Yeah!

(chuckles) Uh...

Somethin' like that.

How much time is he
gonna get this time?

It wasn't an insignificant
amount of drugs.

It's kind of like if

Rite Aid and CVS had a baby

and that baby was on crack.

You remember when I coached
your boys' basketball team?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I may have told him

"Go big or go home" too many times.

You never know who's
gonna take to what.

You never told me that.

Well, I didn't want to
encourage you to do something

you couldn't do, son.

Daddy, you always got my back.

JERROD: Maxine,

tell Shawn to keep his head up

and also tell him you
don't have herpes.

I don't want that floatin'
around the prison system.

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