All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e05 Gentrifying Bobby.eng

The Carmichael Show is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Wow, Nekeisha.

This place looks a lot different

from when Bobby used to live here.

Yes, hot pink and animal print.

Oh, you're making a lot
of bold choices in here.

This looks like the front room

where you pay to get in the strip club.

Joe!

I need to explain something;
I've been to strip clubs.

Man, I am excited about
moving back in here.

You know, giving our
relationship another shot.

But-but this time, it's not
a real relationship at all.

It's just two platonic friends,

uh, sharing the rent and a bathroom

and sexual tension.

There will be no sexual tension, Bobby.

See, there it is.

Okay, Joe, so how many strip
clubs are we talking about?

(chuckles)

I can't believe I...

remember something trivial like that.

That's like me asking you

how many Burlington Coat
Factories you been to.

Seven.

I've been to seven
Burlington Coat Factories, Joe.

Thirty-two.

Look at you. You're moving
out of Mom and Dad's,

and that's amazing.

And you're moving back in
with your ex-wife,

and that's...

amazing.

Uh, Nekeisha, is this ottoman

- okay to sit on?
- Uh, that's not a ottoman.

That is just one of my sweaters
thrown over some shoeboxes,

but you can sit on it.

Oh.

I'll just stand. (chuckles)

Thank you so much for having us.

(knocking on door)

Nekeisha, you expecting somebody?

MAN: Nekeisha Williams.

I know you're home.

- Shh. Everybody shut up.
- Open up.

Are we in danger?

(chuckles nervously)

Nekeisha, who's at the door?

- No one.
- Who wants to play a game?

Ooh, ooh, I got a game.

It's called, uh,

who the hell is at the door, Nekeisha?

(knocking)

I got a game.

Let's play Follow the Leader.

Out the window, down the fire escape.

Line up fastest to slowest.

Well, how do we know who's fastest?

See you in the car, Joe!

What is going on here, Nekeisha?

MAN: Open the door or I'm coming in.

Nekeisha, I need you
to be honest with me.

Do you have cocaine in this apartment?

You cannot come in here.
That is illegal to come

into somebody's apartment
without their permission.

No, it's illegal for you not to
pay your rent for three months.

We've already given you
your final eviction notice.

We've been through this before.

Don't act surprised.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Evicted?

I just moved all my stuff in here.

Then you can act surprised.

And I told you, no pets.

? ?

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Can you believe that guy?

Kicking me out of my own home.

Shoot, you? He kicked both of us out.

Look, Nekeisha,
of course he kicked you out.

He said you hadn't paid
your rent in three months.

I mean, what did you expect to happen?

I thought he had to hand me
the eviction notice in person,

so I just kept trying to avoid him.

How did you get so far behind?

They kept doubling my rent.

Ever since that Whole Foods
moved in around the corner,

I don't know what it is,

but there's something
about cold-pressed juice

that make people feel safe.

(sighs)

It's been a rough day.

I'm just gonna unbutton
my pants and lay down.

Excuse me.

You know, there's a term for
what's going on with Nekeisha.

Poverty?

Or a bad attitude?

You know, she's kind of

like if a TSA agent and a
postal worker had a baby.

What? No, no.

You know, it's no coincidence
that a Whole Foods moved in

and Nekeisha is getting pushed out.

It's called gentrification,
and she's a victim.

She's a victim?

She's unbuttoning her pants
in our bed right now.

I think we're the victims.

Gentrification. I've heard
Spike Lee say that word

on CNN every 25 minutes.

Yeah, that's one of those long words

I was told to be afraid of.

Gentrification, hypertension,

refinance...

I know I'm missing a word,
but y'all get the point.

Yeah.

Well, Dad, let me explain
what gentrification is.

You see, gentrification is
a beautiful thing where...

Mesothelioma!

I knew I was missing a word.

Carry on.

Well, gentrification is essentially

when developers look at
a neighborhood the way

Richard Gere looked at
Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

You know, you see past
all the flaws of the past.

You see a perfect spot for a Starbucks

or an Ethiopian restaurant
run by non-Ethiopians.

So you're saying gentrification
is like when rich people

say to a neighborhood,
"I can change you."

And the neighborhood is like,
"Good, because I want to leave

this dirty prostitution life behind."

And-and the rich people

are like, "Well, I'm gonna
give you a bunch of money.

"Go clean yourself up so
you don't embarrass me

in front of my classy friends."

Yes, yes.

That's exactly what it is, Ma.

It's when really nice rich people

give a bad neighborhood
a new beginning.

What? That is such a glorified
view of gentrification.

Well, what is it, then?

And can you use a movie example?

Well, I don't have a movie example,

but I can just tell you what it means,

- if that works.
- JOE: Well, I suppose,

but just know I'm gonna be
thinking of a movie example

the whole time.

Look, gentrification
is when developers see

an opportunity to make money

off of a low-income community.

You know, they buy up
a bunch of property for cheap,

and then they build
high-end apartment complexes

and restaurants and stores,

and that attracts
wealthy new residents,

and then that drives property values up

until people are forced out.

Now, I know you're trying
to say something negative,

but everything you saying
so far sounds good to me.

I mean,

you're basically just describing
how to win at Monopoly.

BOBBY: Look here.

Those people you pushing out got
names, like Nekeisha and Bobby.

And those buildings
you're talking about

is like this one right here.

Bobby's got a point.

You and Jerrod are living in
this newly-renovated apartment

just minutes from Nekeisha's.

And just the other day,
you all were going on and on

about the fancy ice cream parlor

that just moved into your neighborhood.

It's actually a Japanese
shaved ice shop.

You're not helping your case, Maxine.

It sounds to me like the two
of you are the gentrifiers.

What? No, no.

Jerrod and I are not those people.

Well, of course we are, Maxine.

I mean, think about it.

Our street's shut down every
Sunday for a farmer's market.

You know your spin class
instructor by name.

Sometimes we take jogs
around the neighborhood

just to appreciate all
the murals around here.

You know, a mural on the
side of a warehouse

is the official flag of gentrification.

Yeah, but I have a social conscience.

I mean, I support local business.

I give my leftovers to homeless people,

even if I know I'm
gonna want them later.

Well, a lot of those
people are friends of mine

that's being pushed out for you
and your farmer's markets.

How come everything around
here got avocado in it now?

Bobby, please.

Quit acting like this
neighborhood used to be amazing.

I mean, when you first moved in,

you were afraid to go out at night.

I mean, buildings were falling
apart, drugs were everywhere.

If anything, I'd say people like me

made this neighborhood better.

How?

By kicking people like me out of it?

You sound real arrogant right now, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, you guys, come on.

- I mean, this is complicated.
- No, no, it's simple, Maxine.

Jerrod gentrified me and Nekeisha

out our own neighborhood.

And now I got to move
back in with Mom and Dad.

You're blaming me for this, Bobby?

You were living with Mom
and Dad this morning.

It's really not that
big of a move, man.

I can't believe you gentrified
a member of your own family.

You two are brothers!

Now, listen.

I always did get a Cain and Abel vibe

from you two boys.

But I was never sure
which one was Cain.

But now it's obvious.

Bobby, watch your back,

because Cain was the skinny
one in the Bible, too.

Ma, you have no idea
what Cain looked like;

he was literally the
third person on Earth.

I can make a guesstimate.

I don't know why

I'm the one that has to
defend themselves here.

Aren't you supposed to
be proud of the son

who has a nice place to live,
who has a good job

and a hot girlfriend to come home to?

I also realize you're smart,

but I'm making a point here, Maxine.

Okay, wait. So I'm the loser
son they should be ashamed of?

Wait a minute, you calling me
the Jeb Bush of this family?

No, Jeb Bush was a governor, Bobby.

You got fired from Arby's.

That was a conspiracy.

I saw a lot of things
I wasn't supposed to see.

Look at you. You're always
making excuses, man.

Excuses?

Oh, you mean like, uh, lack
of jobs, lack of opportunity,

a system that's set up

to keep us down?

Those are real.

You used to know that.

But I guess you forgot
where you came from.

How in the hell could I
forget where I came from

when everybody I grew up with
is in my apartment right now?

Bobby,

people get knocked down all the time,

but they get back up and
they dust themselves off.

But no, not you.

You just lie there on the ground

and complain about how bumpy it is.

Wow.

That's what you really think of me?

You know something, man?

Let me get out of here, man,
go lay on the lumpy ground.

Jerrod, you apologize right now.

Before he actually go out there
and lay down on the ground!

I'm not going to apologize
because I didn't do anything.

It's hard to get any rest
with all this arguing going on.

But I guess it's for the best,

'cause I got to find
a place to stay tonight.

You can stay here.

Maxine, what are you doing?

Well, look, I need to help her, Jerrod.

Last week, I had shaved ice
with my spin instructor.

I'm in too deep.

Nekeisha, you are welcome to
stay here as long as you need,

until you figure things out.

Seriously? That is so nice of you.

Uh, but just a heads-up.

I like to start my morning
off with a hit of weed,

so how sensitive are
your smoke detectors?

Very.

Cool. I'll take the batteries
out before I smoke.

What are you doing up so early?

Couldn't sleep.

I was up all night texting Bobby,

but he won't text me back.

Well, maybe because it was
the middle of the night

and he hasn't gotten them yet.

Oh, no, he got them.

I keep seeing those three dots,

like he's gonna say something,
but then he doesn't.

And it happened, like, ten times.

And look.

He posted this on Instagram.

Aw, he looks so sad.

"That moment you realize

when you're all alone in this world."

He needs to stop acting like a victim.

He needs to stop letting
life happen to him

and start living it.

You know, I just want him to know

that I think he could do anything

if he just believed in himself.

But why didn't you just tell him that?

(snorts)

Say something nice to my brother?

You're such an only child, Maxine.

(thump)

NEKEISHA: My bad!

Ooh, I hope that didn't wake you up!

(sighs)

I promise you,

letting Nekeisha stay here
is gonna get old really soon.

You're better off just
feeling guilty, Maxine.

No, it's too much.

Last night, I dreamt that
some poor mother and her kids

got kicked out of this place
just so we could move in.

Oh, we got nothing to worry about.

No families lived in this
place before we moved in.

- Thank God.
- Yeah.

This building used to be a nursing home

for people on Medicaid.

Yeah, if those people had families,

they wouldn't have been stuck here.

(Nekeisha and woman laughing)

WOMAN: Girl!

Does she have people over
this early in the morning?

Really?

You're surprised Nekeisha
isn't an amazing houseguest?

Shh.

Girl, don't tell me you
feeling the pressure

from the establishment
to vote your gender.

Look, in theory, my policies do align

with the Democratic Socialist Party.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I do want to "Feel the Bern."

But I have to hold it
down for my ladies.

What is this, The Tavis Smiley Show?

Who are you?

Who am I? I'm the person
who owns this place.

Oh, okay.

Well, then, I'll make sure
to get the grand tour.

Is it just this room and another
little room in the back? Done.

Did I do something to you?

NEKEISHA: Vanessa,

that's Jerrod and Maxine.

Maxine, Jerrod,
this is my girl Vanessa.

Hi.

So what are you guys doing?

Braiding hair.

Huh.

Cool, cool.

Um, about how long is that gonna take?

Shouldn't be more than six hours or so.

Cool, cool.

Um, you know what, Maxine?

I'm just gonna go back to bed.

Um...

does anybody else see a
little girl standing here,

or is it just me?

That's Susie.

Okay, well...

Hey, little Susie.

How are you feeling?

VANESSA: She don't talk.

Not since the fire.

Uh...

did you start the fire?

Well, tell her to stop staring at me.

Jerrod, one of the rules
while you living with me

is that you have to respect my guests,

'cause they are an
extension of Nekeisha.

Oh, my God, why is there a pile
of hair on my cutting board?

Oh, that is also an
extension of Nekeisha.

Is Bobby here?

Well, if it isn't Cain

checking on his dead brother Abel.

Did you see your brother's Instagram?

It's dark, Jerrod.

Yeah, he's being very dramatic.

I just wanted to tell him
that he could do anything

if he just put his mind to it.

Well, why didn't you just say that?

I did say that.

Just more aggressive,

'cause I was trying to prove a point.

And, you know, the way
you two coddle him

may not be helping.

Lower your voice.

You know, Bobby's still sleeping.

It's 11:30, Ma.

You ever think that maybe
removing his safety net

may inspire him to do more?

Well, everybody doesn't
respond to tough love.

I yell at you, you
rise to the occasion.

I yell at Bobby, he
dies to the occasion.

That's not your first time
saying that, is it, Dad?

Well, I been tossing it around.

You know, when you were little

and I tried to coddle you,

you said, "Affection is for the weak."

That was your first complete sentence.

Just because Bobby
doesn't have your strength,

that doesn't mean he doesn't
have any strengths at all.

He keeps his room tidy.

He folds up all of his
clothes very neatly.

I told him if he keeps working hard,

he can get a job at Old Navy.

He was dealt a bad hand in life.

How were we dealt different hands?

His room was, like,
ten feet across from mine.

But your room had a heating vent.

And I stopped smoking
right before you were born.

That makes a difference, I hear.

Have you thought about it like this?

What if you removed his crutch?

Like, what would happen if you
kicked Bobby out of the house?

Kick me out?

Jerrod, you already got me
kicked out of one neighborhood.

Now you're trying to get me
kicked out another one?

- Bobby?
- Bobby?

JOE: Bobby? Bobby!

Man, save it! You're not
better than me, Jerrod.

I never said I was, man.

Look, no one needs to worry
about Bobby Carmichael,

'cause Bobby Carmichael
about to set the world on fire.

But no thanks to any of you.

Well, except Mom and Dad.

Go get 'em, son!

- We love you!
- (door closes)

There's bees outside.
I got to leave out the back.

NEKEISHA: ? And I don't
want the world to see me ?

? 'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand ?

? When everything's
made to be broken... ?

Okay, this has gone on long enough.

Okay, good. I'm gonna
go kick Nekeisha out.

No, no, no, Jerrod. Let me handle this.

I want her to know that she can
do more with her life, too,

but I want to present it in
a more inspirational way.

- Oh, inspirational.
- Cool, it'll be fun.

It's like watching
Dangerous Minds, but look.

Here's a tip.

If she starts pulling your hair,

just go limp until it's all over.

Damn, I like the acoustics in there.

Everything about this
apartment is perfect.

It used to be.

So, have you started looking
for a new place to live yet?

I searched on Craigslist,
but everything in the area

is just out of my price range.

Have you been on there lately?
It got creepy.

It's nothing but guys
looking to bang other guys

while their wives are at work.

You know, if you want a
nice place of your own,

you can have one; you
just need to have a plan.

Okay, well, what's my plan?

Well, that's the part that you
are supposed to figure out.

Um, what...

What do you want to do in life?

Live in an apartment.

Uh, okay, more specifically,
what are you good at?

I can tell when a conversation
is organically over.

How you feeling about this one?

It's close.

Look, you are really
great at doing hair.

That's a great career.

Oh, no, see, Vanessa
doesn't pay me for that.

I just hooked her up
'cause she's my girl.

But you know you can
get good money for that.

All you have to do is take
a cosmetology course,

and you get your license.

And how much does that cost?

Uh, I don't know.

Like, a few thousand dollars.

"A few thousand dollars"?

I thought I was trying to make money.

That sounds counterintuitive.

Well, you can take out a loan.

You know, you think of it as
an investment in yourself.

So, Maxine, you want me to borrow money

to pay somebody to teach me
what I'm already good at,

so I can find a job to pay back
the money with interest?

You've got a week on our
couch, and then you're out.

I got us an apartment!

- Ooh, you did?
- Thank God!

Because Maxine is trying to get me

to start meeting my potential,
and it sounded exhausting.

That's great, Bobby. Where?

Same place we was at before.

You got our apartment back?

I marched back into
that landlord's office

and accused him of being a slumlord,

and I said he was doing
discriminatory practices.

And then I threatened to take
it to the housing authority.

- And that worked?
- No, it did not.

But as I was leaving, I saw some
police tape on the door, right?

And I'm like, "Uh, what
happened in there?"

He was like, "A murder."

I said, "What? You'll never be
able to rent that place out.

I'll take it."

So, what, you got cheaper rent
because there was a murder?

Even better, it's free.

Look, I was willing

to clean up the aftermath,
which come to find out

is the job of the building super.

The landlord was like, "Man, I'm tired

of cleaning up crime scenes."

I was like, (scoffs) "Not me."

So now I got a job.

Dang, Bobby, you living
the American dream.

Nah, baby, we both living the dream.

See, Jerrod, it took you
years to get a nice place,

a good job and a girl to come home to.

(chuckles) Took me all of 20 minutes.

That's right.

Bobby's on the rise,
and I'm coming for you.

(chuckles) And soon as you know it,

I'm gonna be gentrifying
your ass up out of here!

Now, Nekeisha, let's storm out.

Oh, storming out is the only way
I know how to leave a room.

Well, that was a little aggressive.

No, are you kidding me?

I've actually never been
more proud of him.

Actually I've never
been more proud of me.

I hurt my brother's feelings so bad,

it inspired him to
make his life better.

I'm a hero.

Hey, you want to go
make love to a hero?

You're messing my torque up.

Bobby, there's no torque involved;
we're lifting a couch.

You're throwing off my equilibrium.

Okay, now you're just
using physics words.

Damn, y'all wouldn't last
a second in the workforce.

I mean, the real workforce.

Not none of that white
collar stuff you do.

I like to live by the motto
"Work smarter, not harder."

(laughing)

Well, good luck with that.

We gonna see how that
serves you once they invade.

What-what are you talking about?
Once who invades?

Oh, you'll see.

You'll see once they arrive.

But by then, it's gonna be too late.

(laughing)

You know, he keeps
saying stuff like that,

and I'm starting to think
he knows something.

Well, look at this place.

Just look at it.

Look at this!

Will you just look?

I'm sorry, this looks just like
the last place y'all lived in.

Nasty.

Just nasty!

Are these bullet holes?

If I put a frame around it,

actually it'll be a modern art piece

with a powerful message about Ferguson.

(phone rings)

What's up?

Yep, I'm the new super.

Well, can you describe the rat?

Okay, how big is it?

Like a golf-ball big
or a basketball big?

Ooh.

You got a bucket and some string?

Perfect, I'll be right up.

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