All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e04 Perfect Storm.eng

The Carmichael Show
is taped in front of

a live studio audience.

Well, this is bad.

This is really, really bad.

No, it's not great.

You're sure the condom broke?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure the condom broke.

But could we maybe take a second to,

I don't know, celebrate this?

Celebrate?

Yeah, look, Maxine.

I've never broken a condom before.

It's my first time, and it's
kind of a big deal for me.

And I feel, like,
really strong right now.

This must be how Bruce Banner felt

when he became the Incredible Hulk.

Oh, calm down. I'm sure
the condom was just expired.

So should I not buy condoms
from The Dollar Store anymore?

Maxine, look.

I just want you to know that
whatever you decide,

I'm on board, okay?

It's your body, it's your choice.

I'm just here to support you.
There are no wrong answers.

And everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, I know we're going to be fine,

because we're going to go to CVS

and we're going to get a Plan B pill.

(sighs)

You don't know how happy that makes me.

God, emergency contraception
is always the answer.

You're the best girlfriend
ever, Maxine. Thank you.

Okay, let's go.

All right. Oh, man.

You know, I don't care
if they ever cure cancer,

'cause science has done enough.

They cured pregnancy,
and that's a hard thing to do.

It's so amazing... all we got
to do is just take a pill.

We? We're not cutting the pill
in half and going splitzies.

Fair enough.

It's the women's job to take the pill.

But it's the man's job
to watch anxiously

and then check underneath your tongue.

Okay. Well, let's go.

All right.

I don't know, Maxine.

You sure we should go out?
It's a pretty bad storm.

Like, you have to take it
within the first 72 hours,

and the sooner you take it
the more effective it is.

Plus, I am way more scared of the storm

that may be brewing
in my uterus right now.

Fair enough.

I got to ask... how do you
know so much about Plan B?

Because I'm an adult, Jerrod.

I'm an adult, too.

I broke a condom today.

? ?

Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

(thunder booming)

God.

How can CVS close at a time like this?

Don't they know people
are stuck out there

with no food or water or Plan B pills?

What the hell are y'all doing out here?

I don't know if you're aware of this,

but they got gale force
winds out there.

Yeah, we went to CVS, but it
shut down 'cause of the storm.

Yeah, tress are knocked down,

entire streets are flooded.

We could barely see more
than a foot ahead of us,

so we had to stop here.

CYNTHIA: Joe, who are you
talking to up there?

Jerrod and Maxine just walked in!

Don't they know about the
gale force winds outside?

Yeah, Mom, we know about
the gale force winds outside.

Yeah, we gotta get to the basement.

Dad, what are you
grabbing your gun for?

Boy, you got to be prepared.

I'm I the only one that learned
something from Katrina?

Hey, Mom, we got some
sliced green beans,

uh, some cream of mushroom...

and some type of meat in a can.

I've seen Paula Deen do more with less.

I'm just glad that black people
finally got the big picture

and they let her back on television.

If somebody stopped me from cooking

every time I used that word,

y'all would have starved to death.

Y'all plan on being
down here for a long time?

Oh, yes. We could be
down here a couple of days.

For a couple days?

We can't be stuck down
here for a couple days.

Yeah, they can't keep the CVS
closed for a couple days, right?

This is America.

CVS? What's so important
at CVS that couldn't wait?

Okay, something's up right here.

Let's see what we got.

A couple rushing to CVS...

in the middle...

of a storm.

JERROD: Look, Bobby. Save your energy.

Our business is our business,

and you're making Maxine and I
very uncomfortable right now.

Oh, so Maxine's uncomfortable.

Uh-huh.

Dad, what was the last thing
you rushed to CVS for?

My buddy Bernard texted me,

said he saw Cam Newton
at the drug store.

So I came home,

threw my jersey on and grabbed
my digital camera.

Head on over there,
I went to the wrong CVS.

See, no, Jerrod is not
into sports like that.

Yeah. Mom, what was the last
thing you rushed to CVS for?

Cinnamon-flavored Trident.

But they didn't have any
in stock, so I went over

to the cashier and I said,
"Hey, you don't have

no cinnamon-flavored Trident.
What's up with that?"

Well, she looked at me

like there was nothing
she could do to help me.

She needed an attitude adjustment.

But Jerrod wouldn't rush
to no CVS for no gum.

Pregnancy test. Maxine's pregnant.

(Cynthia shrieks)

Maxine, you pregnant?!

What? That's... What?

Oh, she pregnant paused.
She's pregnant.

That's where the term comes from.

When you ask a pregnant
woman if she's pregnant,

she pauses, thus... pregnant pause.

Well, if you're not going to tell us,

I'm going to have to take
control of the situation.

I can always tell when
somebody's pregnant,

just by touching their stomach.

Come here, Maxine.

No, I'm good.

Mom, weren't you banned
from a church for doing this?

Jerrod, let your momma do her work.

You know she's got the gift.

What... (stammers)

(humming)

(melodic vocalizing)

(gasps)

Maxine ain't got no vibes.

I don't get nothing.

I ain't never met nobody
that had no vibes.

Look, if you must know...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
are you going to tell them?

I was just going
to tell them the truth.

Well, how are you going to say it?

I don't know, I was
probably going to use

the whole Incredible Hulk thing.

No, no. Let me... Let me do this.

(exhales deeply)

Jerrod and I had a sexual accident.

Did you pull something, son?

'Cause I told you, you got
to practice like you play.

Look, look.

There is a slight possibility
that Maxine could be pregnant.

I knew it!

Jerrod, I hate when you

make me fish for information.

You know something,
it makes me not trust you.

It makes me think
you don't want us to be

as close as we should be, as brothers.

And that's on you.

Maxine, you're telling me
I might be a grandmother.

Oh, wow! I got to sit down for this.

Grandma Cynthia.

Ooh, I know it's going to be hell

getting suitable hair products
for the little mixed kid.

But I don't mind,

because I'm going to be taking
care of a precious baby.

"Might" be pregnant.

Now, how far along are we talking?

I don't know. An hour?

An hour?

What kind of scare is that?

People scared too easy these days.

Look, times have changed.

There's nothing scary about this.

We just have to act fast.

Oh, yes, if you're expecting,
we have to act really fast.

In fact, I got my old wedding gown

down here... you can use it, Maxine.

Hey, Jerrod, I'm going to
be your best man, right?

We're not getting married, Bobby.

Look, that's fine if
I'm not your best man,

but don't lie to me.

Don't lie.

Okay. Go, Jerrod. Oh.

Now, this has been over
by the water heater

for what, 30 years.

Which accounts for its off-white color.

But I guess, uh,

given the circumstances,
it's appropriate.

Look, the thought of
having to get married

because of a pregnancy, that's archaic.

In fact, I kind of see the whole

concept of marriage as archaic.

It was created in a time when
women were viewed as property.

Now, I don't need to be
given away by my father

to the possession of another man

just so I can take his last name.

You mean like me?

Or my mother? Or her mother before her?

JOE: Yeah, Maxine.

If marriage isn't so great,

what have all these gay people

been fighting for all these years?

Are you saying

that they just like to complain
for the hell of it, Maxine?

Are you saying, Maxine,

that gay people just
like to make a scene?

Because if that's what you are saying,

I find it incredibly insensitive.

Maxine, if you're pregnant

you need to get married.

Now, Jerrod is my son
and I love him dearly,

but once he hears
that baby crying at 3:00am,

he's a flight risk.

JERROD: All right.

Everybody calm down. Relax.

None of what you're saying
matters anyway,

because Maxine and I
are not having a kid.

They're having an abortion.

Do something, Joe!

Jerrod, don't have an abortion,
you're upsetting your momma.

Hey! (gasping)

Nekeisha. Nekeisha,
where did you come from?

Maxine texted me.

Here. I brought your Plan B.

Well, thank you.
I guess you missed the part

where I said,
"Let's keep this between us."

Oh, I thought that meant,
"Don't post it on Facebook."

Nekeisha, you, uh, you just keep.

Plan B pills laying around your house?

Oh, yeah, I'm a modern woman.

I'm like Mary Tyler Moore with braids.

You see, Cynthia, nobody
is having an abortion.

I just take this pill
and I will avoid pregnancy.

It's just contraception, no
different than using a condom.

Well, it sounds like
you're pulling a condom

over your baby's face.

Ma, Ma, stop acting like
we are killing a baby.

We're not.

We're killing the idea of a baby.

Man, this thing's childproof.

Kind of ironic when you think about it.

They're having a Plan B.

Joe, do something!

So, this B plan, it stops
anything before it gets started?

Mm-hmm.

And you just buy it over the counter?

Yeah.

Well, get out if here.

How much does this scientific
achievement cost?

Joe, who's side are you on here?

It's like 40 bucks.

"40 bucks"?!

Man, something that amazing

should cost like $7,000.

I just don't understand
how y'all can act so casual

about a decision this big.

Cynthia, we're not acting casual.

We're actually doing
the responsible thing.

I know you think this morning
after pill is gonna solve

all of your problems, but what
about the morning after that

when you start feeling regret?

You got a pill for that, Jerrod?

Yeah, Xanax, Zoloft, Paxil,

uh, uh, what is that...?

- Abilify.
- Abilify!

I got that on deck...
you want one? I got it...

I most certainly want one of them.

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Jerrod, before you do this,

I got something I need
to tell you, okay?

(sighs)

The Carmichael men got
a low sperm count.

Matter of fact,

we might not have a sperm count at all.

What are you talking about, Bobby?

Me and Nekeisha tried to get
pregnant for years, right?

You know, I thought I could have a baby

that would accomplish
all the things I didn't.

You know, I thought, like,
if Big Bobby can't do it,

then Little Bobby would.

But we'll never know.

Wow, I'm sorry, Bobby.

We never even considered that.

Look, the Carmichael men
can make babies.

Now, I've been referred to by
several doctors as being potent.

Now, that's not a word
they just throw around.

BOBBY: But look, Dad.

Maybe it skipped a
generation, you know?

I just don't want Jerrod
to be as crushed as I was

when I found out I
couldn't have a baby.

Oh, Bobby, no worries about that.

I was on birth control the whole time.

Wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?!

You was on birth control the whole time

we was trying to get pregnant?

Yeah, to protect you.

I mean, when you look
at the big picture,

we were not in a situation
to be having a baby.

I mean, you didn't have a job,
I didn't have a job.

That's good enough reason right there.

Well, look, this is not a family vote.

This is a two-person decision.

Or in your case, one person.

Now, Bobby, I appreciate
you looking out for us.

Can you open this thing?

Yeah.

CYNTHIA: Jerrod?

How long am I gonna
have to stand around

and watch you two make bad decisions?

I've watched you two

move in together. Fine.

She don't want to get married.

Fine.

But we are talking about a baby here.

And I'm not fine.

Okay, uh, Mom?

Mom, what are you doing?

No! No, no...

I guess you're gonna have
to come up with a plan C.

She never would've flushed it
if it cost $7,000.

Mom, I'm gonna ask this politely.

What the hell did you just do?

I flushed that horrible pill,

so you'll do the right thing
and save my grand-baby.

That I may or may not
even be pregnant with?

Cynthia, you can't flush away
everything you disagree with.

Our pipes can't take it!

Well, won't this be a delightful
birth story for the child?

It was a dark and stormy night,
and your grandma flushed

the plan B pill, so we had
no choice but to have you.

Anyway, happy birthday, son.

You know, Ma?

I could've just lied to you, you know?

I didn't have to tell you
the truth, but I did.

And then what did you do?

You ran around trying
to plan my wedding,

and doing everything
shy of naming the child.

Jeremiah.

I was gonna name him Jeremiah.

No.

Look, Cynthia, I know

that you don't agree
with what we're doing,

but Jerrod and I discussed this
before we even got here.

Yeah, we were making a decision

that was right for the both of us.

Well, what if all of this happened

for a reason?

What if this is
your last chance to have a baby?

You're gonna end up like...

Do not say Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston!

Well, you know what, Mom?

Maybe we do.

And maybe we never have kids.

That's just fine with us. Whoa.

I'm not fine with that.

Are you fine with not having kids?

I mean, I said it.

Um...

Clearly,

this is not the place to say it.

So yeah, I guess am cool
with never having kids.

Wow.

I think I'm gonna go take my chances

- out in the storm.
- Maxine...

This has been a most unpleasant day.

Look what you did.

Me?

You know, Ma, let's make a deal.

How about you don't tell me
how to live my life,

and I won't tell you how
to live yours... is that okay?

If I say yes...

then you're telling me
how to live my life.

Look it... You know what?

I'm out. I'm fine.

Look, look, Maxine, Maxine,

I don't want you to be
mad at me, all right?

And I know you think
you want to have kids,

but can we stop and ask
a very important question?

Why?

What do you mean why?

It's kids. It's what people do...

Why wouldn't you want to have kids?

I-I've only seen people
have kids out of like

complete arrogance or utter despair.

Either you think I'm great
and there should be more of me

or you look back over your life,

and realize you never
accomplished any of your goals,

and you go, "Well, I guess
I could have a human being."

It's basically giving up.

So you think your parents
gave up when they had you?

No, I think my parents gave up
when they had Bobby.

Then they gave up on Bobby and had me.

So, what do we do?

I'm sorry.

I love you, but I am
not gonna wait around

and see if you're ready one day.

Maxine, I really don't
want to hurt you or anything,

but it would be a lie if I sat here,

and didn't tell you how I really felt.

(knocking)

Perfect timing.

We've already shared

so many intimate moments today,
why stop now?

What are you two doing here?

Um...

well, um...

it's been called to my attention

that I may have overstepped my bounds.

And, um,

I came to apologize
for flushing your pill

and-and say that it's your life,

and I apparently have no right
to tell you how to live it.

That's very good, honey.

See, rehearsing in the car paid off.

So, what's happening here?

Y'all still having your little fight?

Well, Jerrod doesn't
want kids and I do,

so that's where we're at.

Then, Maxine, don't take that pill.

You don't need Jerrod

to have a baby.

His part is over.

We can raise that baby just you and me

together.

We'll take him walking.

We'll sing him to sleep.

Oh, and we'll just smell

that little fresh baby head.

Look, son, I know you said
you don't want kids.

But do you think maybe
that's 'cause you're scared?

I-I just don't want
my freedom inhibited.

I want to travel.
I want to see the world.

See the world?

You live in America.

You got the world right here.

What?

They got Chinatown in New York.

They got that Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

Shoot, we got so many
Syrians running around here

we don't know what to do with.

Jerrod, you need to hear this.

Life is boring.

See, you're young,
you think life is too short.

No. Life is too long.

Fill the time, go have kids.

Look, I get why kids could be amazing,

but I don't think I should have them

unless I really, really want them.

You know, the first time your momma,

she told me she was
pregnant with Bobby,

I kissed her and I told her

she made me the happiest man
in the world.

Then I got in my truck

and I cried.

Drove around for hours.

Wound up eating a bag
of cereal at the cemetery.

So when you came back hours
later with those flowers,

were they from a grave?

Well...

the point is, sometimes fear
isn't necessarily a bad thing.

If you don't feel like
crying in your truck

before you're about to do something,

maybe it's not worth doing.

Well, that's beautiful, Joe.

You know, it's not like
I don't have my own fears

about becoming a mother, and I'm
sure Cynthia felt the same way.

Nope, I never felt that.

I mean, it's my baby, why would
I be afraid to have him?

She is trying to connect with you.

I don't understand her.

I mean, Maxine, am I
a little afraid? Yeah.

But neither one of us
wants kids right now,

maybe that's all that matters.

I mean, who knows
what the future holds?

It holds kids.

I'll try really, really
hard to be open.

I really will, because I don't
know if I'll ever want kids,

but I know I'll always want you.

Mm.

Yeah, I don't want kids today.

And being a mother is the
hardest job in the world.

I don't know, it's tough,

but it's not like
we're on The Deadliest Catch.

Right. Boom.

Maxine, you are a very strong,

very independent woman,

and I just want you to know
that we're in this together.

Any way, bon app�tit.

Ah, Plan B.

The breakfast of champions.

Oh, just so you know,
I made that a mimosa

'cause, you know, you're not pregnant.

Can you settle a debate for us?

It's why we woke up this morning.

What's up, guys?

Now, you remember
when Nekeisha admitted

that she was on birth control

when I was trying to get her pregnant.

You know, when we all
were stuck in the basement.

You mean yesterday.

Are you asking me if I remember
yesterday? 'Cause yeah.

Look, let me ask y'all this.

Am I entitled to sue Nekeisha
for pain and suffering?

We're thinking about
taking this to Judge Judy

'cause she is my moral compass.

Ooh, is that the Plan B pill?

Look at y'all, still going
through with it, huh?

Well, let me throw a scenario at you.

Have you thought about adoption?

Think about it.

Uncle-daddy-bobby.

Uncle-daddy-bobby.

Let me have y'all baby.

Maxine, take the pill.

On it.

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