All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e01 Everybody Cheats.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Bobby, I am telling you,

you could not be a professional boxer.

Yes, I could, okay,
I got nothing to lose.

I love belts, okay?

All I'm missing is those thick
neck muscles and some pigeons.

Bobby, no.

I was too nurturing a father
for you to be a good boxer.

What are you talking about, Dad?
You weren't nurturing at all.

Manny Pacquiao became a champion

after his father cooked
and ate his pet dog.

So, yeah, I'd say I
was pretty nurturing.

Whew, I saw something
today that I cannot unsee.

I was at the cheap burger
place on Third Street...

Cynt, where are the burgers?

I am trying to tell a story here.

Y'all know my best friend, Karen?

Wait, wait, I thought Sylvia
was your best friend.

Uh-uh, I haven't talked
to Sylvia in two years,

not after she thought I
thought I was better than her.

Wait, I thought you
stopped talking to Sylvia

'cause you thought she thought
she was better than you.

No, that's Patrice.

But I remember Patrice.

She actually was better than us.

The point is: at the burger place,

we saw Karen's husband
with another woman.

Maxine, I am trying
to weave a tale here.

At the burger place,

we saw Karen's husband
with another woman.

So wait, wait, wait.

You didn't say nothing to him, Ma?

You didn't let him have it?

No, I got out of there
before he saw me.

Yeah, I had to hop in a running car.

That's my girl, don't get involved.

They can't blame the messenger

if you don't deliver the message.

Boys, your mama's no snitch.

That's one of her strongest attributes.

- Aah!
- Mmm! I got you!

It's not snitching, it's called
being a good friend, Cynthia.

You have to tell Karen.

Eh, kind of sounds
like snitching, Maxine.

I mean, don't you think we're getting

a little ahead of ourselves here?

You're telling my mom what to do

without getting all of the facts first.

Mom, how much money does
Karen's husband make a year?

What does that have
to do with anything?

Eh. This is an interesting
line of questioning.

Proceed.

Well, uh, he does have
his own roofing company,

and he did just buy her a new Mercedes,

so I-I'd say it's in the six figures.

Six figures, there you go.

Case closed.

Jerrod, just because you say
"case closed" and you do this

doesn't mean you've made a point.

The point is, successful people cheat.

That's the reality, all right?

Uh, let's break this down by income.

If a man makes less than
$50,000 a year, that man...

...probably faithful.

But if he makes, like, 50 to 100 grand,

that means he thinks about
it but he won't act on it.

That's me. You got nothing
to worry about, though.

What?!

100 grand to half a mil means
he's definitely cheating.

And then anything over
half a mil just means

his wife knows his mistress by name.

So like I said... case closed.

He's right.

Any man who gives his wife
a car with a big bow on it

- is probably cheating.
- Oh.

Those Lexus Christmas commercials

are darker than you think.

?

Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

I hate having this information

about Karen's husband's cheating on her,

and she not knowing about it.

It's like taking your
dog to be put down,

and he thinking you
taking him to the park.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Well, if you see something,

you don't always have to say something.

All right, let's weigh the pros
and cons of Mom telling Karen.

Con: you could ruin your friendship.

Con: you could destroy a happy home.

Pro...

Uh, hold on, hold on, wait.

I'm trying to think of a pro,

but all I keep seeing
is Linda Tripp's face.

Pro: you would be doing the right thing.

Well, I don't want to be responsible

for breaking up somebody's happy home.

But how happy can the home be

if this man is running
around with another woman?

You guys, you should
have seen this guy.

It was like he had no shame.

Like he was proud to have some
sexy young woman on his arm.

Don't let men have this
entitled attitude, Cynthia.

Do you want to live in a world

where powerful men get
to do whatever they want

without any consequence?

Yeah, I guess so.

Why can't love be like
in the books, you know?

Where you meet somebody,
you fall in love,

and-and... and you live
happily ever after.

Because life's not a fairy tale.

There's a reason fairy
tales don't have sequels.

Cinderella 2 would just start
with Cinderella being like,

"How come you didn't
come home last night?"

And then the prince would be like,

"Bitch, I rescued you from the gutter.

You were making dresses
with mice when I met you."

Don't listen to him.

Just think about your
friendship with Karen.

Well, yes, I do care about Karen,

but I think telling her could
just jeopardize the friendship.

I can't afford to lose another friend.

I'm very opinionated, and
my experiences are limited.

JOE: Yep.

Once you reach 50, you're pretty
much stuck with what you got.

Why do you think
Bernard's my best friend?

'Cause he's alive, that's it.

Look, look, Ma, I know you, okay?

This is gonna eat you up inside.

And your blood pressure gonna go up.

And then you gonna have a stroke.

And then, Ma, you'll only
be able to talk in blinks.

Okay, what I think
Bobby is trying to say

is, you need to be a friend to Karen.

You know, don't let fear
dictate your conscience.

Fine, fine, I'll call her.

All right, good for you.

Sisters before misters.

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

Please, stop talking.

Whew, she is very loquacious today.

Word of the day App?

Yeah, and it's working very well.

Oh, oh, it's ringing.

As phones do.

Karen?

Uh, this is Cynthia, your
best friend for life.

Listen, I don't know how
to put this delicately,

but, um... your husband is a lying ho,

and he's sleeping with another woman.

What?

Well, why would I make that up?

Jealous?

Why would I be jealous of you?

Both of your sons are drug addicts.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Uh, oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Well, listen, honey, that's
why they call it a battle.

Sometimes you win some,
sometimes you lose some.

Well, fine, Miss Thing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

(sighs) Uh, Cynthia, I still think

- that you did the right thing...
- Uh-uh, enough's enough, Maxine.

Now, you come in here,

planting your soapbox in the
middle of my living room,

making me destroy the best
friendship I ever had this year.

Are you just one of them sick people

who like to see other people's pain?

Bobby, quick, what's that word
from the word of the day App

that perfectly explains what Maxine is?

- Schadenfreude.
- Schadenfreude.

That's what you are,
Maxine, a Schadenfreude.

But for you, Maxine...

Whoa, whoa, I am not the bad guy here.

Karen's husband is.

I mean, yeah, sure, but that's
not how the world works.

Like, we never blame
the guy who cheated.

You know, take the Clinton
situation, right?

If Monica Lewinsky came in here,

we'd all look at her like
she's some home-wrecker.

Hillary Clinton's running for president,

and we think she's weak
because she should have left.

But if Bill Clinton walked
through that door,

we'd all go, "Oh, my
God, it's Bill Clinton."

Yeah, when it comes to cheating,
we always blame the victim.

Look at Ben Affleck.

He cheated with that nanny,
and we made him Batman.

All right, Maxine, it's not your fault.

I know.

It's my fault.

For listening to somebody

that has no business even
discussing the topic.

What are you talking about?

Baby, you do not have
enough life experience.

I have plenty of experience.

(chuckling): Sure you do, pumpkin.

JERROD: No. No.

No, you do, you have
plenty of life experience.

You, uh... you took the
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

You, um...

You, uh, you went to Texas that time.

That was a big trip.

And, uh, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah, look, look, he's right, Maxine.

Uh, look, uh, uh, I was
on your Instagram,

and you went to Six Flags, and
you got on the Superman ride.

That ride is no joke.

Is this what you guys just think of me?

You think I'm some sheltered kid

who's never been through anything?

A little bit.

Well, it just so happens
that I am uniquely qualified

- to give advice on exactly this topic.
- Really?

Yes, I have been in a relationship

that involved cheating,
and it was a lot to go through,

but I ended up getting through it,

and it was a great learning
experience for me.

And I think that Karen
will feel the same way,

- and she will thank you...
- JERROD: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maxine, what do you mean
you were in a relationship

that involved cheating?

Like, uh, you-you were cheated on?

Uh, no.

Are you a home-wrecker?

Uh, Maxine, you cheated on someone?

Uh, it was, like, a while ago.

How long?

Um, I don't know.

It was, um... around
the time I met you.

Maxine, you cheated on me?!

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't...

I had a boyfriend when I met you,

and I cheated on him with you.

We did it together.

As a team.

So you were seeing someone

at the beginning of our relationship?

I'm a mistress?

Maxine, I thought I was
your Jackie Kennedy.

I didn't know I was your Marilyn.

No, you're not my Marilyn.

JFK didn't end up with Marilyn.

Well, in fairness, he was assassinated

before we could figure out
which direction he was headed.

Jerrod, Garrett and I
were never that serious.

(scoffs)

Garrett.

Garrett sounds like a dude
who owns a lot of Patagonia.

Look, hey, are you okay?

I mean, you look kind of mad, Jerrod.

Of course he's mad, Bobby.

He just found out his live-in girlfriend

is as loose as a goose.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not upset about Garrett, you know?

I won in that situation.

I'm upset, because you
could've at least told me

that I was winning.

What?

Yeah, I mean, think about all
the fun we could've had.

The-the love triangle.

We sneak around and have,
like, the forbidden sex,

like Kerry Washington has on Scandal.

Think about all the stolen glances

we missed out on, Maxine.

Look, check this out.

You know what I mean?

You stole that glance now.

Thank you.

I mean, I-I was working so hard

at being a good boyfriend
when I didn't have to.

Doing fun stuff like
taking you go-kart racing

and to the park and
pushing you on a swing.

Damn, y'all fun.

I was spending all this time crafting

these perfect text messages to you,

when all I had to send was,

"Yo."

"You up?

He around?"

You know, stuff like that.

I got to hand it to you, son.

You are taking this well.

It's inspiring to see a relationship

built on lies and mistrust.

It's beautiful.

Well, at least now we know Maxine

has had life experiences.

Nasty, dirty life experiences.

And-and my son doesn't
seem to be bothered

by the fact: once a cheater,

always a cheater.

Your son's a little
bothered by that fact.

Uh, Maxine, you want to,

you want to come talk to me
in the kitchen for a minute?

Well, this relationship
could go either way.

(laughs)

I think I'm gonna go pray on it.

I thought Maxine was one
of the good ones, okay?

She's beautiful, she's smart,
she's got nice teeth.

I thought if I end up
with a girl like that,

I wouldn't even have any problems.

What? No, of course,
you'd have problems.

- Why's that?
- I'm glad you asked me that.

I got something I'm gonna show you

that's gonna explain it all to you.

It was inspired by
a YouTube video I saw.

What?

Hold on.

Damn, it's lonely when you're alone.

Is that you, Daddy?

Now, calm down, Bobby.

I wasn't gone that long.

All right, now...
(clears his throat)

This X-axis

is self-esteem.

The Y-axis represents all the problems

you're gonna have in your relationship.

Why do you even got a chart on this?

Well, every time I
think up a good idea,

I like to make a chart out of it.

Let me ask you something.

If you're at a chef's
house and he offers you

a piece of cake, are
you gonna question it?

Hell no, I'm gonna eat the cake.

Exactly.

Well, then shut up and eat the cake.

Now...

a girl down here, she ain't
never gonna leave you.

And she gonna put up with
just about everything,

which is fine for the
first couple of weeks.

But after that, you're gonna want

to feel challenged to an extent.

Oh, I love being
challenged to an extent.

Now...

a woman right up here, that's Maxine...

self-esteem through the roof.

Sure, she gonna make
you a better person,

but, boy, is it exhausting.

I hate being exhausted.

Now, right here

is the sweet spot.

That's a seven.

Just enough self-esteem
so you got morals and ethics,

but not so low that they keep
crying for no reason at all.

Your mama's a seven.

Strong, reliable.

She asks just enough questions.

Honey?

Yeah, Joe?

About how much self-esteem
you think you got?

Oh...

I'm about a seven.

Maybe a seven and a half,

depending on how much Beyonc�
I've been listening to.

Jerrod, I know this isn't ideal.

And this isn't how I
wanted this to come out.

Uh, I just want dates.

When did you officially
break up with him?

Well, I never really broke up with him

as much as I phased things out.

"Phased things out"?

No, you phase out of a gym membership.

You don't phase out of a relationship

with a human being, Maxine.

(sighs)

When did we become
official in your eyes?

Well, I don't know... there's
not, like, an exact date.

I guess I remember thinking

this might be something serious

the first time we took a walk
on the beach late at night.

Of course you felt something
on a walk on a beach.

Everyone feels something
on a walk on a beach.

It's clich� for a reason, Maxine.

But the beach was at
least our sixth date.

I thought I meant
something to you by then.

And you did.

But you never know at the beginning

what something's gonna become.

(quiet laugh) I don't know.

I... Just before this,

it never occurred to me that you could

actually cheat on me.

Really?

That's kind of stupid.

You are a mean person.

Oh, come on, Jerrod, it's so obvious.

Anyone can cheat on anyone.

Uh, have you really
not thought about that?

I thought we were supposed to be
comforting each other right now!

But it's true.

I mean, aren't you the one who
likes to live in the real world?

Didn't you say it yourself?

You're one tax bracket
away from cheating on me?

That?

That's just something
you say, you know?

Like...

It's some... it's a pla...
It's like "Bless you."

Or "I know you're gonna
beat this cancer."

You know, but I...

I had no intention of
actually going out

and really cheating on you.

Yeah, and neither do I.

And just because I've cheated before

doesn't mean I'm gonna do it again.

Yeah, but how do I know that?

How do I know you're not

cheating on me right now?

Because I'm not.

Okay, I trust you.

- Why?!
- What are we doing?

I want you to promise me.

Promise me you will never cheat on me.

And promise me you'll
never break my heart

the way you did poor
little Patagonia Garrett.

Oh, my God, I can, I can
promise you anything.

But they are just words.

I mean, the possibility of cheating is,

is apparent in every relationship.

You can cheat on me,
I can cheat on you.

But I would rather take the
risk of being hurt by you

than not be with you.

So what you're saying

is that we should use the
looming threat of cheating

to keep each other
interested in each other.

I don't think I said it like that.

Close enough.

The point is, maybe

it's not love that makes
a relationship strong.

It's fear.

Okay, does that make
you feel good, Jerrod?

Yeah, it actually does.

Okay, then yes.

I fear you, Jerrod.

Aw, I fear you, too, Maxine.

And I'm terrified that
you're gonna break my heart,

you cold, cold bastard.

That's weirdly the sweetest thing

you've ever said to me.

I know.

- You kids work it out?
- MAXINE: Yep.

We're so afraid of
cheating on each other

that we'll never take
each other for granted.

Yeah. Neither of us cheated today.

And that's all we can ask for.

Man, relationships are bleak.

Now I don't understand what's going on.

Is this one of these
young people things

like believing that Bernie
Sanders is a viable candidate?

No, we're just accepting

the realities of our relationship.

Well, I don't get it.

Are y'all swingers now?

We've having a breakthrough.

So yes?

(phone ringing)

Oh, goodness.

Oh, it's Sylvia.

What does she want?

Hey, Sylvia, what do you want?

Karen told you that...?

Oh, that woman is in denial.

Listen.

We need to meet and talk
about this in person.

I'm gonna see you at Ruby
Tuesday's at the mall, okay?

I'm on my way.

Hey, Sylvia and I, we're friends again.

Oh, Mama, Sylvia's back?

I'm so happy for you!

Uh, pick me up some of that new
chicken marsala with no peppers?

Oh, Lord.

Y'all try that new chicken marsala?

It's good.

I don't like peppers, though.

You want to know how I'd cheat?

Oh, yes, please regale us with how you

would successfully cheat on me.

You know, sarcasm never
deterred me, Maxine.

JOE: I don't know why not.

That's what it's there for.

All right, this is what I'd do.

I'd say, "Maxine,

I decided to go on a camping trip."

Ha! A camping trip... you know why?

No cell phone reception.

And it would explain why
I came back so relaxed.

You know something,
yeah, camping makes sense,

but you got to do laundry
right after that,

so you could wash out
all the sex stains,

you know what I mean?

And once that stuff dry
up, it's like concrete.

Oh!

You know how I would cheat?

I would cheat with a person
who had a terminal disease.

That way my secret's
only gonna be out there

for like six to eight months.

Joe!

Nah, I'd make it real nice.

I'd take them to a game
or maybe a hot air balloon ride.

And if I made it nice enough,

I might be able to get
sponsored by Make-A-Wish.

Well, Mom tell us about you.

How would you cheat on Dad?

Oh, I could never!

- Mm-mm.
- Now, come on.

- It's just hypothetical.
- No!

- Yeah, go ahead. I want to know.
- Oh, no...

Well, if you're gonna force my hand.

Uh, I think maybe I'd drive to Raleigh

to this nice little hotel
called The Moonlit Inn.

You don't even need
a key for the elevator.

You can just go straight
up to your room

without talking to anybody.

I'd bring a couple of wigs
and some sunglasses

and a different shade of makeup.

See, that is the key
to a good disguise.

Mm-hmm, subtlety.

And then I'd call Joe

and I'd fill him in on how great

the church retreat is going.

And then I'd put my phone

on airplane mode

and, babe...

Oh, you know, I don't know.

Something like that.

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