All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s01e01 Pilot.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped

in front of a live studio audience.

? It was all a dream ?

? I used to read Word Up magazine ?

? Salt-N-Pepa and Heavy
D up in the limousine ?

? Hanging pictures on my wall ?

? Every Saturday, Rap Attack, Mr.
Magic, Marley Marl ?

? I let my tape rock till my tape... ?

What are you... You can't
dance like that to Biggie.

Hey, I like that song. Is it new?

What... How the hell do
you not know that song?

It's so important.

People get married to that
song where I'm from.

This place has really come to
life since it's been Maxine'd.

You added pillows.

You came in, you added
tampons and pillows.

Really? Live with a
woman for five minutes,

already gonna make a tampon joke?

Yeah, well, someone's got to be
brave enough to do it, Maxine.

Hey, it's our first mail together.

Yeah, yeah.

And it says "Resident."

Well, that's us. We're Resident.

So how have you told your parents yet?

Ooh. About what?

About us living together?

Oh, that. No, no, not at all.

What... Come on, you
said you were going to.

It's been, like, four weeks.

I know, and then I thought
about it and I was like,

"Hey, let's just never do that."

What's this "last chance
to register" thing?

Oh, this? They trying to get me to vote.

Let me take care of this for you.

What? You don't vote?

I... Look, in 2008, right,

I saw this man rise from being
poor and black in America

to the greatest office
in the United States.

Actually... the greatest
office in the world.

And I felt pride, you
know? I felt inspired.

He inspired me and so many other people.

I mean, so many other people, I figured,

hell, he doesn't need me.
Like, I think he...

he won the Nobel Peace Prize,

and I don't even know what he did.

All right, you know
what, enough politics.

Don't try and shy away from the topic.

We see your parents all the time.

I mean, we're going to their
house for dinner later.

- They should know.
- You know what,

you're right, Maxine. We
shouldn't talk about politics.

And why bother, anyway?
'Cause your vote doesn't count

and democracy is dead.

Now, why would you say that...

No. No, no, no, no.
Stop trying to deflect

from the real subject.

- Women's rights.
- No.

Why can't we tell them?
Your parents are harmless.

Yeah, they're harmless now,
because they don't know

how serious we are, all right?
But once they find out

we moved in together, it's
gonna change everything.

Like, my mom's gonna give a
million reasons from the Bible

why that's wrong. Then
my dad's gonna start...

I really don't know what he's
gonna do. He's a wild card.

But he's probably gonna do
something crazy and give advice.

But right now it's cool,
it's peaceful, you know?

Because you mean nothing
to them. I mean, nothing.

But, like, in a good way, you know?

(phone vibrates)

Wait a minute.

My brother's here.

Text him back and tell
him you're not home.

I can't lie to my brother.
I can't even tell a lie.

I'm like George Washington.

Bet you wouldn't have
voted for him, either.

That's more because of the, you know...

slavery.

How long after you've
been divorced is your

ex-wife/roommate allowed
to sleep with somebody else?

Immediately. You're divorced.

Look, man, I came home, and
there was a butt-naked dude

sitting on my couch
watching my TV, and there...

and there was sex musk still in the air.

Like, a bunch of sex musk.

I'm sor... I'm sorry, wha...

What's that? What was...

Sex-sex musk.

I have no idea what he's saying.

Sex musk, okay?

It's the musk in the air
after you have sex.

Oh, sex musk.

Oh, sex musk. Oh, okay.
That is hard to say.

That's pretty interesting. Sex musk.

Look, Bobby, technically
she's your ex-wife,

so she's free to do whatever she wants.

You know something?
Look, you are so neg...

Not for long, okay?
It's all gonna be over.

I'm gonna be out of there
soon, because my business

- is about to take off, Jerrod.
- Nope, nope, nope.

Stop calling it your business

when you know it's a pyramid scheme.

I know, I get it... you
went to business school.

But I'm from the school of hard knocks.

Mm. Not a real school, bro.

Say what? Look... '03, valedictorian.

Stop it. Stop it.

Bob.

The next time there is
a sock on the door...

That was unclear.

...and a sign that says "sexual
intercourse in progress,"

do not enter.

Do you know how uncomfortable
you made Lamont?

You wouldn't watch the game with him.

He's trying to make friends with you.

You hurt his feelings.
You need to go apologize to him.

I don't give a damn about no Lamont!

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys maybe want to finish
this in your own apartment?

Oh, I'm gonna have a argument
wherever I damn... Hey, girl!

- I was just about to cuss your man out.
- (Maxine chuckles)

Please do.

Oh... Are you all having a fight?

- No.
- Yup. Y...

She's mad at me 'cause
I'm not registered to vote.

Mm, I wish we had them problems.

MAXINE: No. N-no... (chuckles)

That's not it. I just
want to tell your parents

that we've moved in together.

No!

You crazy?

Dude, you cannot let Mom and Dad

in your personal life like that.

Man, they are too judgmental.
You know, they scare me.

They hurt my feelings.
That's why I haven't

even told 'em me and
Nekeisha are divorced.

See, Maxine?

What? How long

are you gonna keep that a secret?

(short chuckle) Forever.

Mm-hmm.

So I've been thinking about
this problem you have

with telling your parents
we live together.

And I think I came up with
the perfect solution.

You did?

I'm just gonna tell them tonight.

- You will not tell them tonight.
- Oh.

You don't control me.
I'm not your girl puppet.

These strings are cut.

I'm like a puppet out of a horror movie.

No, no, no, Maxine, you
will not even mention...

- Hey! Mommy.
- Oh!

Come on in.

?

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Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

CYNTHIA: I'll be right
out with the snacks.

Okay. Maxine...

you will not tell my parents
we're living together tonight,

and if you do, I will
deflect, I will distract,

and you won't be able
to get a word in.

We'll see about that.

Oh, we will see about
that, won't we? We will see...

- Hey, hey!
- Hey.

Oh... Come on, what's
that on your plate, Dad?

Ribs with a nacho cheese dipping sauce.

You just had triple bypass surgery.

It's like you're trying to commit suicide.

No, now, wait, wait, wait.

What happened was
I was eating some ribs.

And I had this nacho
cheese dipping sauce,

and then I thought, "Well, hell."

He did. He did that.

Why are you proud of this?
And why are you

out of breath? And all you did
was walk from the kitchen.

Listen boy, I work a ten-hour shift

driving trucks every day.

When I come home,
I want to eat something

that helps me forget how hard life is.

You're not gonna stop
me from enjoying this.

If I have to raise these hands

to defend these ribs, I will.

And I will strike down upon thee
with great vengeance

- and furiou...
- Hey, we brought you guys something.

Oh! What is this?

It's Pinot Grigio.

Pinot... Wha...

- It's white.
- Oh.

You like white, right?

Not as much as your daddy.

Is it sweet?

Uh, not really.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, well, Jerrod and I have
something to tell you, don't we?

Th... Yes.

Yes, we do. We have something
very, very important

we should say.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I figured it's time to tell
you guys. And I didn't

want to say anything,
'cause I thought you'd be

mad or something, but I am...

thinking about registering Republican.

Oh, no.

Jerrod, you know we didn't
raise you that way.

I know, but I was thinking about it.
Like, do we really know

- why we voted for Obama?
- No, that is not what...

No, I'm not saying he's
doing a bad job or anything.

I'm just saying none of
you could tell me why

you voted for him without using
the words "hope" or "change."

Michelle.

Or Michelle.

Okay, this isn't what
we're here to discuss.

Obama is a good president.

He is a good man.

All right, well, you just said
nothing at all right there, Mom.

You know, come to think of it,

maybe this boy does have a point.

No, he doesn't have a point.

He's just trying to distract us.

Well, I did vote for Bush in 2004.

- What?
- What? - What?

Lead with that, man.

Don't leave me all alone out here.

Well, I didn't really think it had much

to do with the conversation.

Joe, you have on

an Obama T-shirt right now.

This is not Obama, this is Neobama.

Wait, wait, wait, wait...
why would you vote for Bush?

I mean, he favors the rich,
and you're not in that...

bracket.

You calling me poor?

Yes.

That's why I did it.

He sent me that stimulator check.

No president ever sent me $1,600.

Nobody ever sent me $1,600.

You can bomb whoever you want

long as you send me $1,600.

JERROD: You see?

Dad's right. I mean, we
could have done without

- the whole bombing part, but...
- I stand by the whole bombing part.

And-and I'm sure you do, but I'm
just saying we don't need it...

Guantanamo Bay. It's a good thing.

Okay, Dad, please don't
say stuff like that.

Well, sometimes you just got to
put water in somebody's face

to get answers.

Joe, are you saying that your
vote could be bought?

No. But it can be stimulated.

I am taking away your ribs.

- I'm not gonna let 'em go.
- You have lost your ribliges.

I will not... I-I will
not... I will not...

- Joe!
- Give me these ribs!

That stimulator check paid
for part of those ribs.

You know what, it doesn't matter.

Now that we're done
distracting everyone, Jerrod,

what we really want to talk about...

Is prayer in school.
Let's talk about it.

- Huh?
- There is prayer

- in school.
- No, there's not, Mom.

And it's because of the Democrats.

You mean they won't let
the little babies pray?

And think about it, Mom...
what kind of prayer

would they say if they could?

Well, just normal, regular prayer.

You know, thanking Jesus
for all he done for you.

Yeah, but then what about
the Jews or the Muslims

- or the atheists?
- Okay, Jerrod and I want to tell you...

Well, then I would put
them in a separate place,

like the cafeteria.

Jerrod and I have life news.

So you would segregate them?

Oh, no, of course not.

But just for their comfort,
I would remove them

from the prayer room, I would

put them in a separate room

that was equally as nice, becau...

Oh!

I know what you're doing,
and I don't approve.

So what you're telling me is

you would pick religion
over civil liberties.

Good question, Dad!

That is not what I'm saying!

Joe, stop putting words in my mouth!

Well, I mean, if you had to pick,

which one would you choose,

serving Jesus or freedom?

Serving Jesus, because
if it wasn't for Jesus,

you wouldn't be free!

Damn good answer, Mom.

That's not a good answer.

Without freedom, you
wouldn't have religion.

Listen, don't you be upset with me

because I'm sticking up for my beliefs

instead of being bought by
a $1,600 stimulus check!

Well, look at you, all holier than thou,

acting like we didn't have sex
before we got married.

(Cynthia yelps)

Joe, that wasn't me!

Oh, yeah. Damn.

So, uh, Maxine,

you had something you
wanted to say, right?

(grunts)

So, to avoid telling them,

you picked a fight between your parents?

I know. It's crazy how
well that worked, right?

Are you trying to do that right now?

Yeah. It's makeup sex.
We got to have makeup sex.

Oh, no, we're still fighting.

Don't push me in my Snuggie.

Why are you being so
aggressive right now?

Because you pissed me off.

Wait, wait, are you
really mad about this?

Jerrod, I want to have

a real relationship with
you and your parents,

but if you can't even tell them

that we live together, then maybe

we shouldn't even be dating.

(sighs): God.

Damn it, I have nowhere
to go! We live together!

Maxine, I knew you wanted to tell them.

I just didn't know you were
this serious about it.

Why can't we tell them? No, honestly.

Like, no jokes, no song and dance,

no man-child bull crap.

Just tell me. Why?

Honestly, because I don't want my mom

getting in your head, you know?

Like, once she's in there,
she's not gonna get out.

I'm a therapist.

In training.

And you're still no match for my mom.

And I don't want my dad
handing out useless advice.

I like it how it is right now.
It's just us, you know?

Just me and you and...

a whole bunch of candles.

Why are there so many
candles here, really?

It's like you're having a s�ance.

Look,

it's unrealistic to believe

that we'll never tell
them we live together.

Fair enough.

And if it's that important to you,

you're that important to
me, and we'll tell them.

All right?

Great. Let's go.

Uh, I'm sorry, now?

- Yeah. Let's go!
- Yeah, but now?

Okay, yeah, let's go. Let's go.

Let's go back to my parents' house,

'cause that worked so
well the first time.

- Oh!
- (gasps)

Hi, Joe.

I thought you were a burglar.

But you still were gonna answer the door?

Yeah, to kick your ass.

Where's Mom?

In the kitchen, where a woman belongs.

I'm just kidding. She's in the kitchen.

It's her choice.

And for my final SlicePro demonstration,

I am going to cut this
penny right in half.

- Oh!
- Uh-uh, we can't afford

- to be cutting up money like that.
- No, watch this.

Here we go.

Now, watch out. You're
gonna cut your finger.

No, I got this. Watch this. Here we go.

No, you're gonna cut
yourself again, Bobby.

- No, I won't. I got it!
- It's too strong.

Did the boy cut himself yet?

No, I got... (shouting)

Aah! Y'all done got in my head!

You done ruined the whole demonstration.

Okay, never mind that. I got something

I got to tell you, Mom and Dad.

Are you about to come out of the closet?

Is that what's happening here?

No. No, Dad.

- You know Marvin?
- Yeah.

He gay.

(laughing)

Like Marvin Gaye.

I get the joke. I get the joke, Dad.

It's a good dad joke.

I know, I know.

You got to write that down, man!

Okay, enough... You guys,

I have something really
important I got to say.

- Oh, Lord, here goes. Let me get my Bible.
- Ma...

(humming)

- Ma...
- Dear Heavenly Father...

Ma...

There's something Jerrod
and I need to tell you.

All right, but you know it is bad luck

to interrupt mid-prayer.

Is that in the Bible or are you
just winging it right now?

Look, Ma,

Maxine and I

are thinking about moving in together.

Oh?

And by "thinking about,"

I mean Maxine moved in three weeks ago.

Well, congratulations.

This is exciting.

- It is?
- Yeah, it is.

Of course it is. Unless you're
sleeping in the same bed

or anything like that.

- Ma, don't...
- I mean, the Bible

is pretty clear on that one.

Put a ring on it!

JOE: Honey,

you're prying a little bit.
Let's respect their privacy.

Now, these kids obviously love each other

or y'all wouldn't have moved in.

That's right.

You do love each other, right?

Dad, I'm not having this
conversation with you.

You know how you tell if
you really love somebody?

Next time you're at home alone,
you turn off all the lights

and you put on Al Green's
"Love and Happiness"...

- Okay. All right. Thanks, Dad...
- and-and...

and you picture her face,
and if you don't start crying,

it ain't meant to be.

Okay, Dad, thank you for...

- ? Love and happiness ?
- Oh!

? Make you want to, ah... ?

I feel the tears coming. I'm
thinking about your mama. (squeals)

Come here, baby! Mmm!

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

See, this is why I didn't
want to tell you guys.

- You didn't want to tell us?
- Why not?

'Cause you guys are so overbearing

with your judgment and advice.

We're just trying to help.

Oh, no. Okay, it doesn't need to be...

Oh, my. Y'all been together
for a couple of weeks,

and you think you figured
it all out, huh?

No, no. We...

Uh-huh. Voting Republican
and living in sin.

That's nasty.

Look, Ma, I don't need
your criticism, okay?

And, Dad, I don't need your unsolicited,

barely even relevant advice, okay?

We just want to have
our own relationship

without outside interference.

What is wrong with my advice?
I give great advice.

Like I told you that time at McDonald's,

always order your fries without salt.

That way, they got
to make a fresh batch.

Damn, that's good advice, Daddy!

Well, I think moving in is a great step.

It's just a-a little bit out of order,

- if you were to ask me.
- Ma...

So, you're going to be
living together, huh?

Well, have you at least
talked about tying the knot?

Not really.

Well, Maxine, you ain't getting no younger.

(clears throat) Well,

with all due respect, Mrs. Carmichael,

I don't believe that a
woman's sole purpose in life

is to get married and start a family.

- Uh-oh.
- CYNTHIA: Oh.

Oh. Sweet, sweet Maxine,

thinking that, oh, you got
all the time in the world

to date and see how everything goes.

You know, I bet your life
is just one big episode

of Sex and the City, huh?

Fine.

When do you plan on having children?

Well, I plan to focus on my career first

before I even start thinking
about that. (chuckles)

CYNTHIA: Well, now, Joe, let's see,

she's got a couple of years

before she finishes her schooling...

And to become a psychologist,
you got to go to grad school.

- That's a few more years.
- Uh-huh.

And don't forget about her post-doc.

And you got to set up your practice.

Oh. Well, I hope

your ovaries don't mind
waiting because...

...'cause, honey, we talking
powdered eggs, Joe.

Mm-hmm.

Nothing but dust up in there,

- like-like emptying out a vacuum cleaner.
- Oh!

Honey, we're just saying,

biology is biology.

Have you thought about that, Maxine?

Have you? Have you?

Bobby and Nekeisha got
divorced three months ago!

What?!

CYNTHIA: What?!

Man... boy...

(stammers) Man, why would you do that?
Man, what's wrong with you?

We do not get divorces in this family.

We just suffer through it!

And you two are still living together?

Well, now I can tell y'all
about Lamont, right?

Who the hell is Lamont?!

Oh, Lord Jesus, look
what you made me say.

I think I might know this Lamont.

Does he have a flattop?

NEKEISHA: Yeah, yeah, that's him.

Thank you. (chuckles)

Welcome to the family.

Nasty. Y'all just nasty!

I don't know why they
keep trying to sell us

these electric cars.

'Cause they're so much
better for the environment.

What's wrong with the environment?

The Chinese keep messing it
up... that's what's wrong.

Come on, Dad, you can't say that.

CYNTHIA: You know,

I just don't think these cars is safe.

You know, they look like
they're made out of tinfoil.

Hey, Jerrod.

Hey, Jerrod.

- Jerrod, hey.
- Yes. Yes.

What do you call a Chinese rapper?

Vanilla Rice. (laughing)

(laughing)

BOBBY: Daddy!

Oh!

Oh, you need to do
standup comedy, Daddy.

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