Original subtitles

.

- Whoo! Party bus.

- Okay, a toast! To our girl Sandra--

Whoo-whoo-- [laughter]

for being awesome,

for finding true love,

and most importantly,

for giving me my first chance

to par-tay in, like, decades.

Thank you. - [chuckles]

- All right, let's get drunk

and take this bitch to see a horse.

[all cheering]

- You guys are the best. I love you all.

- Aw... - Aw!

- Wait! Don't eat that.

They're filled with laxatives.

- What? Why?

I mean, I get that some of you may have that problem.

For the record, I do not.

My doctor is begging me to eat less fiber.

I won't do it.

- I wanted Sandra to get sick

so tomorrow would be ruined, okay?

- What the hell, Carol?

- I knew you hadn't changed.

- I'm sorry. I tried.

But I just couldn't let the anger go.

I'm a mess.

I shouldn't be any part of this.

- Mmm, that cupcake was delicious.

Mmm.

- Ooh, someone should tell him.

- Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no!

- Maybe he'll be fine.

- Oh, he's not fine.

- [grunting]

[upbeat music]

♪

- I knew we were here too early.

They haven't even finished setting up the...

[stammering] s-ship?

Is--is it a cowboy ship?

- No, their theme is nautical,

but they got this western place for cheap

because Jerry got hit by a dart here.

Oh--bar! Come on.

- Wow, going right at it, huh?

- Yeah, well, I didn't get to cut loose

at the bachelorette party,

so I'm cutting twice as loose tonight.

My phone is on do not disturb,

and my liver is on high alert.

- That's where you think your liver is?

- I don't know. Where's my liver?

- It--it's not there.

- Excuse me. - Oh, sorry, folks.

I'm not open yet.

- Oh, okay. No worries.

But you've got bottles, and glasses,

and the garnish buffets all set up.

Looks good to go!

- And yet, nope.

- No rush. No rush at all.

- No, please. God, no.

No, no, take your time.

But, you know, when the time comes,

I would love an old-fashioned.

Or, you know, something like quick and easy

like a beer-- there's a bunch of them here.

I could just-- - Ma'am.

- Sorry.

I was just trying to help you.

- I said ma'am. - He did say ma'am.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, hey, Glenn. - Mm-hmm?

- Getting ready for the ceremony?

- Yeah. You bet.

I know this backwards and forwards.

Though I would not recommend it backwards.

I sound like a lunatic. - Yeah.

- So how's your toast coming?

- Oh, well, you know, I'm still working it out.

I just have this, like, little story about him.

Basically, Jerry and Sandra

have this sweatshirt with a crab on it,

and whoever's feeling crabby has to wear the sweatshirt.

And the only time Jerry's worn it

is when Sandra was out of town.

- That's nice. And then?

- That's--Well, that--that's it.

- Oh, that--that's--

that's your whole speech?

- Yeah. - Oh, okay.

Well, I do not see a problem with that.

- It sounds like you do.

- No, no, no.

What I'm saying is there's no disaster ahead.

You know, nobody's going to hate you.

- Hate me? Why would anyone hate me?

- That's what I'm saying. Most of them won't.

[murmuring] Yeah.

- I bet this place sees a lot of ill-fitting denim.

- Yeah, just imagine how many bad butts have been in here.

- Call me an optimist,

but I think there are no bad butts.

There's just bad pants.

- Aw, that's beautiful.

- Okay, I'm going to hit the little cowboys' room.

Not my words. It says that on the door.

- So?

- Oh! He's great! Yeah, he's so nice.

- I know, we're working on

getting him to talk trash about people.

- Yeah, it just takes practice.

He'll be a nasty bitch real soon.

- Thanks. [chuckles]

I was a little worried, you know,

inviting him to a wedding this early on.

But then I thought it'd be weirder not to bring him.

- Totally--that's how it was for me and Bo at homecoming.

But then we just did a bunch of whip-its in the DJ's van,

and it was great.

- I say this with love--

it's crazy you haven't been murdered.

- I know.

- But you're not some kind of nerd like Glenn.

You're just going to find your speech

in, like, the moment, right? - No, sir.

I take my maid of honor duties very seriously.

So I've rehearsed it down to the syllable.

I know exactly where I'm going to...

[sniffles] almost start to cry.

And where I'm going to... [chortles]

get myself a little bit with my own joke.

And then I'm going to bring it home

with a series... of meaningful...pauses.

- So you have thought about it. All right.

- Guys, they haven't put out the shrimp yet,

in case anyone is wondering.

I saw cocktail sauce, though, so we are close.

- Oh, whew. - The wedding starts soon.

Shouldn't all this stuff be ready by now?

- Carol snapped and left us hanging,

Sandra's sister is useless, and Jerry's family members

are definitely related to Jerry.

- You know, it's funny.

I always thought if Carol snapped,

she'd do something crazier than putting laxatives in cupcakes.

- What do you mean? - I just thought

she'd go bigger.

Plus, I'm surprised she did it at the bachelorette party,

instead of the day Sandra marries her ex.

- In front of all her friends and family.

- Mm-hmm. - Hmm.

- [exhales] - You don't think

Carol's behind the shrimp delay, do you?

- Yes, definitely.

- Strike two.

- What is that bartender's problem?

This is a wedding, not a rules convention.

Get me a drink!

- I feel like flirting with him could've worked,

calling him a fascist could've worked,

but I think doing both just kind of confused him.

- [sighs] Okay, centerpieces, chairs...

- Hey, Dina. Everything okay?

- Carol's going to do something.

I can feel it. - What? No.

Carol's working at the store tonight.

She's not even here.

- What if she threw us off the scent by making us think

her plan was over at the bachelorette

so we'd let down our guard at the wedding?

The wedding that she helped design?

Huh? [chuckles]

If Sandra makes it through today without

being decapitated, it will be a miracle.

- Dina, it does seem like there's a lot

that still needs to get done.

Isn't that kind of your job?

- My job is keeping the bride safe.

I need to find a sewer map.

- Um, wait, Dina. Who--

[sighs]

- No, no, no, no, no.

This is not your problem. You have a liver to ruin.

- Yes, but-- - I'm sure

they're going to figure it out.

- Yeah, yeah, no. Totally, totally.

Things have a way of working out for Sandra.

- Hey, guys. Having fun?

Don't forget to sign the guestbook.

- Sandra!

You look beautiful! - Yeah!

- And why are you carrying chairs?

- Yeah, do you need a hand, or--

- No, no, no. It's just, uh,

I don't know where Dina is,

and, uh, Jerry's busy parking cars, so...

It's fine. You guys are guests.

Sit down, enjoy.

- I have to. - I know.

- I hate it. - I know.

- Oh, God. Sandra, stop, please.

I-I will make sure everything gets done.

You go. Get ready.

- Oh, really? Thank you so much.

Maybe I can still get into the family photos.

- Yes. Go, go, go.

- I can't wait to have some champagne.

- [groans] Me, too.

.

- All right, guys, listen up.

There is still a lot that needs to get done,

and it is crunch time.

I'm going to finish the centerpieces,

Jonah, you set up the chairs. Cheyenne, can you make sure

that the sound system's working?

- Oh, God, yeah, I totally forgot. Sorry.

- Had you already asked her to do that?

- No.

[cell phone rings]

- Dina, hey. Are they inviting me after all?

'Cause I did throw my nice socks in the car,

just in case.

- No, you're still not wanted here.

Look, I'm worried that Carol is plotting something.

Has she been acting weird?

- I guess, like, her regular level.

- Okay, yeah, what's her energy like?

Is she laughing to herself?

Rubbing her hands together maniacally?

- Okay. She's eating a sandwich,

not in an evil way, but...

it's not so positive, either. Should I send a pic?

- Absolutely, you should.

- Okay, the seating cards are placed.

Sandra's cat has the ring.

Jonah, do you want to go make sure that the caterers

have everything that they need?

- On it. Also, are we hanging

these fishing nets? They're so wet.

Were they just used?

Oh, wow.

You--uh, you really went all out, huh?

- The invitation said Cowboy Charlie's Old West Steakhouse.

I assumed what any sane person would.

- I told you.

- Oh, you love this, don't you?

This is the greatest gift I could give you.

And now you give me the cold shoulder.

Perfect!

- Make sure we're at their table.

- ♪ I'll take you home

♪ Happenin' now, I'll take you home ♪

- Oh, thanks.

Hey, man, sorry about earlier.

It's my eighth straight day of work.

I'm usually better with pushy guests.

Although, they're usually much older.

And whiter, too. - Well, she breaks barriers.

So they have you setting up the bar and all the food?

- Man, this company is so cheap,

they never send enough people.

But, hey, at least they pay us a whopping 9 bucks an hour.

- 9 bucks? That's--wow!

[stammers] Hey, you know, I actually work

with an organization that can help you.

Here, take my card. There's a link to the web--

- Man, I don't want to join another cult.

- Oh, no, no, no. I'm with Raise the Wage.

You deserve better than this. Look us up.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

So do I give off, like, a cult leader vibe?

- I didn't say leader.

- Ah.

- You took over a wedding.

This is the Amy-est thing I've ever seen.

- I don't want to be doing this.

I'm just trying to make this

the best day of their dumb lives.

- Tell me how to help. - Now you want to help,

when we're almost done?

Next time, figure out how to help on your own.

I'm not going to help you help. - You see?

She's like a 12-year-old when I'm around.

- Oh, shut up, Eric.

I'm like this all the time, idiot.

- [gasps] - Oh, she's so mad.

This is my favorite.

I mean, Eric, stop. Come on, she's my boss.

- [sighs]

- I think everyone would understand

if you just went home.

- Trust me, when Sandra and Jerry come out in their

western garb, you're all going to look like fools.

- Dina, we should get this thing started.

This place has line dancing at 10:00,

and I'm not sure line dancers take kindly to boat people.

- I haven't locked everything down yet.

- Well, we're already 20 minutes behind.

- Yeah, we've got to get things going.

- I'm telling you, it isn't safe.

[mellow instrumentals]

♪

- Ohh...

- Jerry and Sandra

have requested a non-religious ceremony,

so I'd just like say that the following

is from a book I highly recommend,

written by the greatest and most powerful author

in history of the world, so...

"Love is patient, love is kind.

Love does not envy." [electronic beeping]

- Bomb! [beeping continues]

Everyone, stay calm, even though there is a bomb!

- It's not a bomb, not a bomb.

It-it's my ankle monitor. I just--

I-I thought I charged it.

S-Sorry, everyone. So sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, I-I'm just going to--

I-- Mazel.

- Oh, no. - I know, so embarrassing.

- Yeah. - Poor guy.

- Yeah.

- Never mind. Go, Glenn, go.

- Yeah, well-- - Get back in.

- [stammers]

Ah, okay, um-- Jesus Christ...

[stammers] is not welcome here.

So, um...

[guests whispering]

So, something fun about Jerry and Sandra is that

they have this little tradition.

When one of them gets crabby, they have to wear a T-shirt

with a crab on it.

But the only time that Jerry ever put it on

was when Sandra left town.

audience: Aww. - Aww, that's sweet.

- I know, it's cute, isn't it? It's a little insight

into who they are as people. [laughs]

- [whispers] What the [bleep], man?

.

- Dina, a bomb? Really?

Nothing happened, okay? Everything's fine.

So get it together and give Sandra what she needs.

A lovely toast,

some assurance that she's better than her sister,

and no drama.

- Yeah, I got it. Sorry.

- Jonah, what are you doing?

- Just, uh, grabbing myself some grub.

How about I grab you some and meet you back over there

at the table? - Um, doesn't catering

have people who can do this?

- Uh, yeah, they did.

Until a bunch of them walked off.

They got really upset about the pay.

You know, these things bubble up,

no rhyme or reason-- - You too, man?

- I-I forgot how inspiring I can be.

- Justine, how are you at cutting cake?

- Honestly, weird.

[beep]

- Hey. - How's it going?

- The charging light is acting up.

I called ICE to complain, but, you know,

they're not really known for their customer service.

So embarrassing.

- Whatever, it was exciting. And now you're, like,

the story of the wedding.

- Yeah, it's fine. Just juice that bad boy up,

and we'll get back out there.

- It takes two hours.

- What? - You two should go.

I'm good.

I saw that Lasagna Bear is trending on twitter,

so I definitely have to see what that's all about.

- I'm going to hang out.

I like it in here.

- Cool, okay, you two hang.

Because to me, this room sucks.

I mean, compared to out there, where the party is?

This is not close.

both: ♪ You're my weirdo

♪ I'm so happy that you're here ♪

♪ We both belong here

♪ We both belong here ♪

[applause]

- Hey, I just wanted to say thank you.

Your anecdote really got me back on track.

And it went over great. I booked three more weddings.

- Hey, Glenn, that's the only story I had.

That's all I know about them.

- Okay, I'm sorry. I just--I panicked.

But you're going to be fine.

I remember you told me something about

you and Jerry eating corn, so maybe go with that.

- What? We ate corn once.

- Well, don't just blurt it out.

Come on, paint me a picture. What time of day was it?

Was there butter? Hmm? Was there salt?

[cell phone ringing]

- Marcus, I realize you feel left out,

but you have to let the invited move on with our lives.

- No, I'm calling to see if we have a spare key

to the printer ink case. Elias can't find one,

and Carol's not answering her walkie.

- Wait, really? - Yeah.

No one knows where she is, and it's a bad time, man.

We've got that Saturday night ink rush.

[plate clatters]

- It's go time.

- So I don't have access to the printer case,

but I can offer you condoms or razors.

Take your pick.

- A lot of people assume I'm the younger sister,

and I am. It's pretty obvious.

[laughs] Love you.

Remember to moisturize, okay?

And now, I'm going to pass it on to the best man,

Jerry's best friend, Garrett. [applause]

- Here we go.

So, uh,

one story that comes to mind when I think of Jerry

is Jerry and I went to...

A rodeo.

Yeah, yeah, it's funny,

because we're in a cowboy restaurant,

but I would've told this story either way.

Um, so we're at the rodeo, right?

And we're watching these guys ride the bucking broncos.

And Jerry leans over to me and says...

"I can do that." [laughter]

- Really? - [laughs]

- It was so sad. So sad.

- You sure I can't get you a drink?

- No. - Cranberry juice?

- What do I have, a UTI?

Sorry. Just go enjoy the wedding.

- That sounds like something someone says but they don't

actually want you to do it. - It's not like that, okay?

There's no reason for both of us to be stuck back here.

- You sure? - Please, just go have fun!

- All right, I'll be back in a few.

- [scoffs] Rude.

- So we're flying, okay? We're doing 80

down the freeway, and the mob guys

are chasing us 'cause they had money on the rodeo, all right?

And I lean over to Jerry.

I go, "Jerry, what are you getting me into here?"

And Jerry, calm as a cucumber,

looks at me, tips down his sunglasses, and goes,

"Welcome to my life."

[laughter]

- "Welcome to my life"! - So, Sandra,

welcome to Jerry's life.

Let's all raise a glass to many more adventures.

Congratulations. all: Cheers.

- When did you get sunglasses?

- I guess at a rodeo. - All right, so next up,

we have the maid of honor. Um, Dina?

Anyone? 5'9", brown hair,

shouted, "Bomb!" during the ceremony?

- Damn it, Dina. You had one job.

- Uh, okay.

Uh, so what else can I tell you guys about Jerry?

Um, apparently anything I want.

- Okay. - Dina, come on, you--

[cat meows] - What the hell?

.

- So your crisis of conscience

at the bachelorette? - Totally fake.

I wanted you all to let your guard down.

- I knew it! Yes! But what are you doing now?

Are you gonna kill Sandra's cat?

- Dina, she's not gonna kill the--

- I'm gonna kill the cat.

- [gasps] - Oh, yes--two for two!

- "Oh, I'm marrying Jerry. It's the best day of my life."

We'll see about that when your cat explodes

on the dance floor.

- Wait, you're going to blow up the cat?

- Okay, that was misleading. I'm going to throw it

over the balcony, and ideally,

the impact will make it explode.

- Carol, you can't do that!

- Yeah, that carrier's way too sturdy.

The cat will never explode. - No, Dina.

I mean, like, she shouldn't kill the cat.

- Yeah, and she won't, if she throws it in that carrier.

- It could totally die in here, Dina.

- It's a 15-foot drop.

These things are built sturdy for travel.

It will absorb all of the impact.

- Dina, this really isn't the point.

- This is a very good plan.

- It is a terrible plan.

The bottom's completely rubberized. Look at it.

- No, it's not completely--oh!

Oh! - [yelps]

We got the cat back! - [exhales]

We? You just stood there with your wang in the wind!

["Dancing in the Moonlight" playing]

- ♪ Such a fine and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪

- Tough night, huh?

- [laughs] What are you talking about?

I love being stuck back here, tied to this wall.

My little friend. Plus, my phone died,

and Eric hasn't been by in an hour, so...

- Yeah.

- He left, didn't he?

- I'm sorry.

- I don't blame him. It's my fault.

I don't know what I was thinking,

trying to get into a normal relationship.

It was going so well, you know, that I forgot about all this.

It's just too much to ask him to deal with, you know?

- Well, I can stay here with you,

and we can watch Lasagna Bear on my phone.

- I watched it.

It's just a bear eating a lasagna.

I don't know what I was expecting.

- Yeah, the internet has gotten so bad.

- Yeah, I think it's over.

- Sorry to interrupt,

but I was wondering if you wanted to dance.

- The cat's not going to last...[murmurs].

- Dina, where have you been? I've been looking for you.

You missed your speech. - Hey, Sandra.

Listen, I know Dina's been all over the place.

But just trust me, it was for a good reason.

- Was it her?

Was it bad?

- Almost. - Is it over?

- It's over.

Oh.

- Aww.

- Amy, this is kind of a private moment.

- Yeah.

- Hey, there you are, I was looking for you.

Everything okay?

- Yup, cat's fine.

- Oh, wow. Now we're talking. - [sighs]

- Oh, that was actually for m-me.

If you want, I can-- - Yes, bar.

- Got it.

[Pink's "Raise Your Glass" playing]

- ♪ So raise your glass if you are wrong ♪

♪ In all the right ways

♪ All my underdogs

♪ We will never be, never be ♪

♪ Anything but loud

♪ And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks ♪

[Khalid's "Talk" playing]

- This is really awkward, but I have to fire you

from Sandra's wedding. - Oh, man.

I get zero perks for dating the boss.

- Mmm. [gasps]

- What?

[laughs]

- You sure you want all this? I hate doing this to you.

- This is not something you're doing to me.

This is something we're doing to each other.

- I like being married to you.

- Yeah, I'm having a really good time.

- ♪ Can we just talk?

♪ Can we just talk?

♪ Talk about where we're going ♪

- Oh, watch out for the cord. - Oh, my God.