All language subtitles for Schooled s02e13_English

LAINEY: Back in the '90s,
there was no
bigger blockbuster

than James Cameron's
Titanic,

but it was the love story
between Jack and Rose
that captivated the nation.

Some people saw it
30 times in the theater.

As for me, I only saw it 29.

I'm the king
of the world!

Naturally,
a movie this huge had
famous lines everyone quoted.

Like this.

I'm the king of the world!

(LAUGHTER)
Like, from
the Titanic movie.

LAINEY: It became
the funniest joke
on the planet...

I'm the king of the world!

...until it was
totally played out.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

From Titanic.

Wait, am I not funny?

I was so infatuated,
I even took CB to see it.

Titanic is gonna
blow your mind, dude.

It's the world's
greatest love story

and disaster film
all rolled into one.

Eh, for me,
love is always a disaster,

so maybe instead of
seeing sad old Titanic,

we take a trip
into the future with...

The Fifth Element.

Bruce Willis drives
a flying taxi cab.

Trust me,
watching Jack and Rose

is exactly what you need
to believe in love again.

But turns out,
even the most epic
of love stories

couldn't change CB's mind.

And it also didn't help
that I kept bringing up Barry

the whole three hours.

(SOBBING) I don't know
what I'd do if I lost Barry.

I just love him so much.

Yeah. That is my one
takeaway from the movie.

Tissue?

No. I'll just cry alone
in my car later.

'Cause love sucks.

* One of these days
you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life
and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go
Do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was January 29th,
1990-something,

and school spirit
was at an all-time high.

Oh, man. Which sport
is this one for?

Oh, we're just
getting pumped up

for the big
WP/GA Day football game.

WP/GA wha?

Oh. I keep forgetting
you're new here.

Follow me. This will only
take 20 to 30 minutes.

Is there a version
where I just say "Got it"

and we move on?

It was a crisp autumn day
in 1887.

Ah, sonuvabitch.

A brash young Quaker
named Wilbur Smedley

challenged a young German
settler named Hans Schneider

to a friendly game
of pigskin.

Naturally,
the Germans cheated,

resulting in the most heated
feud in football history.

So, like every team that plays
sports, you have a rivalry.

No, not just any rivalry.

This is the oldest rivalry
in the entire sport.

It's older than anything
in the NFL or college.

Explains why Rick's been
stress eating whole artichokes

in the teacher's lounge.

Yep, every year
it's all up to him

to bring us back
this bad boy.

The Quaker Cup. That trophy
is Rick's life force.

Thanks to him,
we've had this cup
for 14 straight years.

Go on.
Give history a feel.

Who touched the trophy?

No one, pal!

I heard a ting.

No ting.

It was a very faint
but distinct ting.

LAINEY: Coach was on edge,
and it got worse

when Ronnie suffered
a terrible injury.

Turf toe?

Turf toe, Coach.
I can't walk.

From turf toe? C'mon!
It's just turf toe!

Terrible turf toe.

How terrible
can turf toe be?

(PLAYERS GROANING)
Oh! Gah!

Not gonna lie, Ronnie,
that's some terrible turf toe.

(RETCHES)

It's like a foot-colored
clown shoe.

(RETCHES)

ALEC: We're so boned!

Ronnie's passing game
was the only shot we had
at winning.

Coach always has
a game plan.

Reza, you're starting QB.

(PLAYERS GROAN)

Hey... (RETCHES)

Knock it off!
We're a team!

No, they're right, Coach.

We'll never beat Germantown
if I'm QB.

Yeah, well, lucky for us,
we got something

Germantown'll never have...
And that's a Coach Mellor.

And he always gets the win.

Reza, hit me!

LAINEY: The team
was in shambles,

and I was trying to
knock some sense into CB.

Seriously, if this is
how you really feel,

I don't know how
we can even be friends.

I have a right
to my own opinion.

Not if your opinion
is dumb and wrong.

That's not
how opinions work.

Guys! I don't know what
you two are fighting about,

but we've all agreed,
no talking politics

up in the teacher's lounge.

Politics? We're talking
about Titanic.

CB said the movie sucked.

Oh. Well, in that case,
yeah, CB's opinion
is dumb and wrong.

I mean, when that
old white lady

dropped that diamond necklace
back in the water...

(SIGHS)
...that really moved me, man.

You mean moved you to anger

'cause she threw away
$100 million for no reason?

She was letting go
of the past or something!

It made sense at the time!

Easy, big guy. Maybe CB just
needs to see it again.

Face it, Kate Winslet
let Leo freeze

so she could
save her own butt,
just like anyone else would.

Who hurt you?
Who what?

There's gotta be a reason
why you hate love.

Tell me her name.

(CHUCKLING) Never!

And how exactly is it love
when a lady lets a dude die
of hypothermia?

Um, I'm sorry,
Leo sacrificed himself
for love

'cause the door
was too tiny!

What kind of munchkin cruise
do you think they were on?

There was ample room
on that door!

A floating door can
only hold one human person.
It's science.

Too bad there's no way
to prove it.

Actually, there is,
with a simple small-scale
science experiment.

Get ready to
believe in love, sucka!

Wilma,
to the science lab!

All right, Quaker warriors!
Change of plans!

Today we are scrimmaging
against the JV squad.

Why don't we just come up
with some new plays

so Germantown
doesn't totally smoke us?

Why don't you
shut your face holes,

because I am the coach
and I'm sick
of your back talk!

Now, I'm not one to
stand up here

and give big speeches,
but now I'm mad!

LAINEY: But, in fact,
epic locker room speeches
were Coach's specialty.

He had them down to a science

and always began with
the angry jug kick.

Ahhh!
(JUG CLATTERS)

I can't take it no more!

For once in your lives,
stop worrying about them

and focus on your
own damn selves!

LAINEY: Followed by
the heartfelt apology.

Well, Coach is sorry
you had to see that.

It's just...
Coach believes in y'all
so damn much

that sometimes Coach
can't contain it.

LAINEY: Then came the classic
"I quit" maneuver.

That's it! I'm done!

I quit! I'm out!

You did this!
Happy?

And, of course, the triumphant
return five seconds later.

After much soul-searching,
I'm back,

and, damn it, I'm fired up!

Now who's ready to get
fired up with me?

JV shrimps are
going down!

ALL: Yeah!

Wow, you sure got them
to bounce back fast
after losing Ronnie.

Coach always has
a game plan.

First, I fire 'em up,

then I boost their confidence
with a much-needed win.

(CHUCKLES)

(THUDDING)
(PLAYERS GROANING)

Rick, they didn't win.

(GRUNTS)

They did not.

My house!

Well, I'm sure you're already
cooking up a new game plan.

That, I am. Yes.

And my new plan is to...

Go think of a new plan.

I'm gonna go stress eat
this entire avocado

until the plan comes to me.

LAINEY: As Coach
doubted himself
for the first time ever,

I was certain Wilma would
change CB's stance on love.

Okay, as you can see,
I've built a to-scale
recreation

of a floating door scenario.

Leonardo DiCaprio
will be the Power Ranger,

and Kate Winslet
is the Mutant Turtle.

I hate to be that guy,

but the Turtle's actual name
is Leonardo,

so it'd make more sense to...

If you hate to be that guy,
stop doing what you're doing.

WILMA: As you can see,
our miniature oak door

allows us to determine if its
buoyancy is greater than

the force of gravity
pulling down on the...

Yeah, we don't need
the play-by-play.

Just do your science
and tell CB love isn't dead.

Then scientifically speaking,
love is dead as hell.

Ha! Told ya!

Wait, what?

There is an embarrassing
amount of room on this door.

No. Wrong.

Hey, Wilma, is there a world
where love is such a sham

that Rose, Jack, and me
could fit on that door?

With 100% certainty.

Observe.
There I am.

Is there a world where love
is such a suck show

where Rose, Jack,
me, and you
fit on that door?

WILMA: Yes. Agreed?

Agreed.
Permission to gloat?

Permission granted.

Told ya!
Wrong.

I refute these findings.

Excuse me?
You heard me.

Your experiment is wrong,
and you do science bad.

I graduated first in my class
at Caltech.

You really think I can't prove
a slab of wood can float?

You didn't factor in the most
important scientific element.

Love.
Love is an emotion,

which is
the opposite of science.

Ha!
Permission to high-five?

Allowed.

Don't high-five
against love!

Some things are bigger
than science,

no matter what
your experiment suggests.

My experiment doesn't
suggest anything.

It proves all Rose had to do
was scoot over,

but she didn't,
'cause she wanted

that big-ass door
all to herself.

Copy that. Love is a sham.
We're done here.

No, we're not.
Just tell me who hurt you.

No!
Gimme her name,
and I will fight her.

That would be weird.

And also, why does it matter
so much to you?

Because you're one of
my best friends, dude.

I want you to be happy,
but it'll never happen

if you go through life
hating love.

Well, your best dude friend
appreciates the concern.

However, I will be siding
with science on this one.

Wilma, permission to
give you a fist bump
and clean up this mess?

Allowed.

(SIGHS) My God.

You two callous nerds
deserve each other.

Charlie Brown,
of course.
I love that.

You really
do deserve each other.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Whoa! Oh, shoot.

It's perfect.

The Titanic experiment
hadn't gone my way,

but now I had a new plan to
help CB believe in love.

What up, playa?

No. Stop.

Whatever scheme you got
cooking up, it's a hard pass.

No scheme.

Except maybe a small scheme
for you to open your heart.

Ugh! Fine. You win.

I loved James Cameron's
Titanic, okay?

It's his greatest movie yet,
other than Aliens.

And True Lies.

No, wait.
Terminator 2.

It's not about Titanic.

It's about you being happy

and forgetting about
the hag who broke your heart.

I'm here.
Give your heart to me.

You really don't have
the details of my situation.

Doesn't matter. Clearly,
there's only one gal for you.

Wilma.
Wilma?

You have so much
in common.

You both love teaching,
and books,

and Wayne Brady,
for some reason.

Plus, you're annoying
know-it-alls.

It's a perfect match!

First of all,
Wilma terrifies me.

Second,
she only likes bad boys.

That's just an excuse
so she doesn't have to
put herself out there.

See? Another weird thing
you have in common.

You're really not gonna
give up on this, are you?

God, no. I've mapped out
a very detailed six-phase plan

to help you find
the courage to ask her out.

Yo, Wilma,
do you wanna go out?

Nah.
Cool.

Come on!
CB's the best!

Any girl in this place
would be lucky to date him.

First of all,
I terrify him.

I tried to tell her.

Secondly,
I only like bad boys.

I tried to tell her.

And I told you
that's just a bad excuse
to hide from love.

Yo, I don't know whose burrito
exploded in the microwave,

but I will kick his ass.

Spread the word.

Mmm.

Ew. Don't "Mmm"
Johnny Atkins.

I know.
I got a problem.

Okay, so you like
gross bad boys.

I did, too,
before I met Barry,

but then I realized
how happy life can be

when you have someone
amazing to share it with.

If I take the kid to a movie,
will you shut up?

Done! Wow, look!
Sparks are flying already! Ha!

**

(THUD)

Mmm.

This is gonna be fun.

LAINEY: As I was
playing matchmaker,
Glascott was making sure

Coach was okay
after the JV fiasco.

Hey, pal.

Just checking in on ya
after your tough loss

to your own JV team.

Feeling good,
Johnny Boy!

As always,
I worked out a new game plan

that guarantees us the win.

Guarantees? I like
the sound of that. Hit me.

We swap jerseys
with Germantown,

and every time they score,
we get the points!

Mmm, seems like a reach.

New plan!

We hire David Copperfield
to make

the entire Germantown team...
Poof! Disappear!

Maybe you should
get some sleep.

But I've got
the longest winning streak

in the oldest rivalry
in the history of football,

so losing
is not an option!

Y'know,
sometimes when you lose,

you still learn
a valuable lesson,

which really makes it
a win.

How can you lose
but also win? (CHUCKLES)

'Cause teaching them
to lose like winners

is just as important
as winning itself.

But a loser
can't be a winner,
'cause he lost.

Rick, I'm trying to
help you here.

New plan!
We build a wall on the field,

and on said wall, we paint
a photo-realistic image

of our end zone,

so every time they come in
to score, kaboom!

They hit a big ol' wall!
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that's from
a Road Runner cartoon.

New plan!

Okay,
get some sleep, Coach.

LAINEY:
That conversation was over,

but CB and Wilma's date
was just starting.

Here you go.
Lainey bought us
tickets already.

Titanic?
We both already saw it.

Well, she said maybe
if we saw it together,
we'd appreciate it more.

And also fall in love.

I can't sit through
a damn three-hour movie.

I got a date after this.

Oh, good for you!
Good guy?

Not at all.
Total dirtbag lawyer.

No future there.
He's perfect.

You got problems.
Sure do.

Let's just
sneak into something else.

I'm dying to see
The Fifth Element.

Oh, never heard of it.
Do you like science fiction?

Well, I like science.
It's got Bruce Willis.

Is he all sweaty and beaten-up
in a dirty undershirt?

You've got problems.
Sure do.

Let's hit it.

LAINEY: And so began
CB and Wilma's non-date

in a movie
that they naturally assumed

would be the exact opposite
of Titanic.

Except it had a cruise ship.
In space.

It was also
a passionate love story...

In space.

And, unlike Titanic,
this movie

cracked his heart wide open.

(SOBS)

I don't know if this
was clear, but the fifth
element was love.

That's how you
make a love story
and disaster movie.

Listen, I said yes
to this whole thing
'cause I want to help.

You really are a good guy.

You just can't be so afraid
of getting hurt...

And try to put yourself
out there.

I know.

To be clear...

I know
the hurt is Lainey.

No... How?

You told Susan Cinoman,
Coop, and Mellor,
and, boy, do they talk.

So you're saying that
the only person

who doesn't know this
is Lainey?

That is very concerning
in my bones.

Good news is,
Lainey has no idea
'cause she only sees you

as a platonic,
non-sexual man-friend.

Not totally non-sexual.

I have that one soft,
silky satin tie.

Point is,
you can't give up on love

just because
you can't be with Lainey.

You deserve to be happy,
but that will never happen

if you don't move on
once and for all.

You're right.

As hard as it may seem...

I got to move on.

Thanks for the awesome date,
Wilma.

Not a date.
But anytime.

Speaking of,
time to go meet
my dirt-bag lawyer!

**

Morning, boss.
Hey!

Look at you.
Feeling better, huh?
Better than ever.

Had a big moment
of clarity last night

and finally
figured it out.

Ooh! How to win?

Oh, God, no!

See, I figured out
that I don't actually matter.

Boom!

I'm sorry, but you're saying
that like it's a good thing.

No, it's not.
It's soul-crushing.

See, I realized that
no matter what I do,

we're gonna lose,
which really means

that I serve
no actual purpose.

Okay, you're using
a very chipper tone,

but the words you say
sound sad.

I'm devastated!

See, I always thought
that I was the one
that got the win,

but turns out,
it's not me.

It's the actual players!

Whoo! Good stuff!

Wrong.

It's a fact,
only a great coach
can make a great team.

Let's talk facts.

Who scores
all the touchdowns?

The players.
And who sacks
the quarterback?

The players.

And in our game
against Germantown last year,

who told our quarterback
to go no huddle on third down

and pass for the win?

A-ha! That's you!
Correct!

But then Ronnie called an
audible and ran it in himself,

and I just stood there
and I watched!

At the end of the day,

me and my whistle
don't do a damn thing.

No, Rick, do not
take that whistle off.

Whistle's off.
Take it.

But it's
your main coach tool.

Doesn't matter what I use.

Let's face it,
nothing I do
makes a difference.

**

Why is it wet?

LAINEY: It had been a day
since Coach handed over
his whistle to Glascott,

but it was far from over.

Boss, we got
a huge problem!

I told you, Johnny,
you're the one
with the rubber gloves.

You handle it.

No, it's the Quaker Cup.

It's gone.

That's impossible!

Mellor checks on that trophy
once an hour on the hour.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, no, Rick, no!

Oh, no!

Don't look at me.
I'm hideous.

Put that spoon down
right now!

Let me say goodbye to
my trophy in peace!

No!

Do you know how many times
you've picked me up

when I felt like
I was bad at my job?

Like, a lot.
Like, way too many times.

Like, so much that it's
a bummer to even think about.

It does seem to happen
with great frequency.

We both agree
it's an alarming amount!

Point is,
you've always picked me up

when I felt like
I was bad at my job,

and now it's time for me
to give you

an inspirational
locker room pep talk.

LAINEY: That day,
John Glascott gave

the greatest
Rick Mellor speech
of his life.

Naturally, it began with
the angry jug kick.

I'm tired of your
defeated attitude

and your sad
dairy consumption!

You may wanna give up,
but I refuse to give up
on you!

Aah! Ow!

LAINEY: Followed by
the heartfelt apology.

I'm sorry
you had to see that.

It's just that
I care so much.

Especially in my foot,

which hurts so bad
that I may throw up.

LAINEY: Then the classic
"I quit" maneuver.

You wanna just
throw in the towel?

Then I will, too!

I quit!

That's on your head!

You did this!

LAINEY: And then
the triumphant return.

Hey, look, it's me.
I'm back.

And I believe in you
more than ever.

LAINEY: None of it worked,
so he went rogue.

Listen up,
you sack of (BLEEP)!

Stop acting like
a sorry-ass (BLEEP)

and get your head
in the (BLEEP) game,
for (BLEEP) sake!

Whoa! Stop! What's
the matter with you, man?

I don't know.
I... I'm not good at this.

Is that what I sound like when
I'm giving a pep talk?

Oh, God. I'm more
useless than I thought.

You're not useless, Rick.

Okay, so, maybe
you don't actually

make the players
win the game,

but, honestly,
that's not your job.

Of course it is.
No.

Your job is to teach
those kids that even
when they lose,

they can still
feel like winners.

You're right.

And ya know...

I actually think I have a plan
that just may work.

All right, Quaker warriors.

Huddle up.
We got a big game today.

No more pep talks, Coach.

There's no point
in trying to convince us

we can actually
beat Germantown.

Agreed!

Look, I'm not one
to get up here
and make big speeches,

but like it or not,
we got a game to play.

But we can still find
a way to win.

How?

We do everything
in our power

to make sure this game
isn't a total blowout.

But that means
we still lose.

But we do it with dignity.

I know you're all thinking
we're gonna lose
by at least 50.

Well, guess what.

I know in my heart
that we can lose
by just 49!

That's impossible, Coach.

Is it, Ronnie?

Reza, we all agree
you're gonna throw

a minimum
of nine interceptions.

But if you can
throw just four,
that's a win.

The biggest.
Is it even possible?

Hell yes!

I know our defensive line
is as thin as paper,

but I say
be thick as cardboard!

And I know our running backs
are as slow as molasses,

but I say be maple syrup!

And if you're gonna
sloppily fumble the ball,

you do it
with your head held high!

Am I right?
PLAYERS: Yeah!

Are you ready to go out there
and show Germantown

that no matter
how many points they score,

we draw the line at 50?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, then let's get out there
and get our asses kicked,

but not as badly
as everybody expects!

ALL: Yeah!

**

(CHEERING)

(BUZZER)

We did it!
We only lost by 49!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

* ...forever this way

* You are safe... *

You do know
we won, right?

Only according
to the scoreboard.

Here.
I believe this is yours.

Take good care of her.

LAINEY: That day,
Coach won the biggest game
of his career.

Sure, the team may have lost
in epic fashion,

but in doing so,
they learned
a valuable lesson...

If you always try your best,
you'll never be disappointed.

Well?
How was the big date?

I need details, now.

Uh, y'know,
you were right.

It really was exactly
what I needed.

As in sparks?
You and Wilma had sparks?

Oh, God, no. No.

But it made me realize
that maybe love

isn't a sinking ship,
and to give it another shot.

Awesome.

And for the record, whoever
that girl was that hurt you,
she's an idiot.

She's actually
pretty great.

(GROANS)
You're too nice.

So are you.

I mean, you let me
crash on your couch
for the last month.

But I should
probably start looking
for my own place.

Really?
There's no rush.

I know,
but it's time to move on.

Thank you for being
the best damn best friend
in the world.

Always.

Turns out, CB did
believe in love after all.

He just needed a little proof

from the people
who care about him.

Seriously, still trying to
refute my findings?

Sorry.

I just can't get over knowing
there was room on the door.

Just say it.
Wilma is always right.

You really are.

I mean, you went on
one non-date with CB,

and now
he's all happy again.

What did you even
say to him?

Just helped him figure out
a way to move on.

**

It's time I move on.

* We'll stay

* Forever this way

* You are safe in my heart

* And my heart
will go on and on... *

Oh, my God.

I'm the girl.

I'm the girl.

Life can throw some huge
surprises at us.

But if you have the people
who care about you

there to support you,

you'll always
find a way to win.

**

(DING)

I'm the king of the...

(SCREAMING)

Starting today,
this school has a strict
zero-tolerance policy

for "King of the world'ing"
in any of its forms.

You think it's fun
to pull a Jack?
Well, it's not!

Do not Jack in the hallways
or Jack in the parking lot.
(LAUGHTER)

Do not Jack near your locker.

Do not Jack
near your friend's locker.

And please, for God's sakes,
do not pull a quick Jack

with the skeleton
in science class.

Yeah, that's right,
we all heard!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Hey, boss!
Sorry to miss the assembly.

Just rigging this beauty up
for the sailing team.

Also, look at me!

Oh, God,
no, no, no, no!

No Jacking
in the parking lot!

No, no!
Look away, children!

I'm the king of the world!
No!