Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there was no bigger blockbuster

than James Cameron's Titanic,

but it was the love story between Jack and Rose that captivated the nation.

Some people saw it 30 times in the theater.

As for me, I only saw it 29.

I'm the king of the world!

Naturally, a movie this huge had famous lines everyone quoted.

Like this.

I'm the king of the world!

(LAUGHTER) Like, from the Titanic movie.

LAINEY: It became the funniest joke on the planet...

I'm the king of the world!

...until it was totally played out.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

From Titanic.

Wait, am I not funny?

I was so infatuated, I even took CB to see it.

Titanic is gonna blow your mind, dude.

It's the world's greatest love story

and disaster film all rolled into one.

Eh, for me, love is always a disaster,

so maybe instead of seeing sad old Titanic,

we take a trip into the future with...

The Fifth Element.

Bruce Willis drives a flying taxi cab.

Trust me, watching Jack and Rose

is exactly what you need to believe in love again.

But turns out, even the most epic of love stories

couldn't change CB's mind.

And it also didn't help that I kept bringing up Barry

the whole three hours.

(SOBBING) I don't know what I'd do if I lost Barry.

I just love him so much.

Yeah. That is my one takeaway from the movie.

Tissue?

No. I'll just cry alone in my car later.

'Cause love sucks.

* One of these days you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was January 29th, 1990-something,

and school spirit was at an all-time high.

Oh, man. Which sport is this one for?

Oh, we're just getting pumped up

for the big WP/GA Day football game.

WP/GA wha?

Oh. I keep forgetting you're new here.

Follow me. This will only take 20 to 30 minutes.

Is there a version where I just say "Got it"

and we move on?

It was a crisp autumn day in 1887.

Ah, sonuvabitch.

A brash young Quaker named Wilbur Smedley

challenged a young German settler named Hans Schneider

to a friendly game of pigskin.

Naturally, the Germans cheated,

resulting in the most heated feud in football history.

So, like every team that plays sports, you have a rivalry.

No, not just any rivalry.

This is the oldest rivalry in the entire sport.

It's older than anything in the NFL or college.

Explains why Rick's been stress eating whole artichokes

in the teacher's lounge.

Yep, every year it's all up to him

to bring us back this bad boy.

The Quaker Cup. That trophy is Rick's life force.

Thanks to him, we've had this cup for 14 straight years.

Go on. Give history a feel.

Who touched the trophy?

No one, pal!

I heard a ting.

No ting.

It was a very faint but distinct ting.

LAINEY: Coach was on edge, and it got worse

when Ronnie suffered a terrible injury.

Turf toe?

Turf toe, Coach. I can't walk.

From turf toe? C'mon! It's just turf toe!

Terrible turf toe.

How terrible can turf toe be?

(PLAYERS GROANING) Oh! Gah!

Not gonna lie, Ronnie, that's some terrible turf toe.

(RETCHES)

It's like a foot-colored clown shoe.

(RETCHES)

ALEC: We're so boned!

Ronnie's passing game was the only shot we had at winning.

Coach always has a game plan.

Reza, you're starting QB.

(PLAYERS GROAN)

Hey... (RETCHES)

Knock it off! We're a team!

No, they're right, Coach.

We'll never beat Germantown if I'm QB.

Yeah, well, lucky for us, we got something

Germantown'll never have... And that's a Coach Mellor.

And he always gets the win.

Reza, hit me!

LAINEY: The team was in shambles,

and I was trying to knock some sense into CB.

Seriously, if this is how you really feel,

I don't know how we can even be friends.

I have a right to my own opinion.

Not if your opinion is dumb and wrong.

That's not how opinions work.

Guys! I don't know what you two are fighting about,

but we've all agreed, no talking politics

up in the teacher's lounge.

Politics? We're talking about Titanic.

CB said the movie sucked.

Oh. Well, in that case, yeah, CB's opinion is dumb and wrong.

I mean, when that old white lady

dropped that diamond necklace back in the water...

(SIGHS) ...that really moved me, man.

You mean moved you to anger

'cause she threw away $100 million for no reason?

She was letting go of the past or something!

It made sense at the time!

Easy, big guy. Maybe CB just needs to see it again.

Face it, Kate Winslet let Leo freeze

so she could save her own butt, just like anyone else would.

Who hurt you? Who what?

There's gotta be a reason why you hate love.

Tell me her name.

(CHUCKLING) Never!

And how exactly is it love when a lady lets a dude die of hypothermia?

Um, I'm sorry, Leo sacrificed himself for love

'cause the door was too tiny!

What kind of munchkin cruise do you think they were on?

There was ample room on that door!

A floating door can only hold one human person. It's science.

Too bad there's no way to prove it.

Actually, there is, with a simple small-scale science experiment.

Get ready to believe in love, sucka!

Wilma, to the science lab!

All right, Quaker warriors! Change of plans!

Today we are scrimmaging against the JV squad.

Why don't we just come up with some new plays

so Germantown doesn't totally smoke us?

Why don't you shut your face holes,

because I am the coach and I'm sick of your back talk!

Now, I'm not one to stand up here

and give big speeches, but now I'm mad!

LAINEY: But, in fact, epic locker room speeches were Coach's specialty.

He had them down to a science

and always began with the angry jug kick.

Ahhh! (JUG CLATTERS)

I can't take it no more!

For once in your lives, stop worrying about them

and focus on your own damn selves!

LAINEY: Followed by the heartfelt apology.

Well, Coach is sorry you had to see that.

It's just... Coach believes in y'all so damn much

that sometimes Coach can't contain it.

LAINEY: Then came the classic "I quit" maneuver.

That's it! I'm done!

I quit! I'm out!

You did this! Happy?

And, of course, the triumphant return five seconds later.

After much soul-searching, I'm back,

and, damn it, I'm fired up!

Now who's ready to get fired up with me?

JV shrimps are going down!

ALL: Yeah!

Wow, you sure got them to bounce back fast after losing Ronnie.

Coach always has a game plan.

First, I fire 'em up,

then I boost their confidence with a much-needed win.

(CHUCKLES)

(THUDDING) (PLAYERS GROANING)

Rick, they didn't win.

(GRUNTS)

They did not.

My house!

Well, I'm sure you're already cooking up a new game plan.

That, I am. Yes.

And my new plan is to...

Go think of a new plan.

I'm gonna go stress eat this entire avocado

until the plan comes to me.

LAINEY: As Coach doubted himself for the first time ever,

I was certain Wilma would change CB's stance on love.

Okay, as you can see, I've built a to-scale recreation

of a floating door scenario.

Leonardo DiCaprio will be the Power Ranger,

and Kate Winslet is the Mutant Turtle.

I hate to be that guy,

but the Turtle's actual name is Leonardo,

so it'd make more sense to...

If you hate to be that guy, stop doing what you're doing.

WILMA: As you can see, our miniature oak door

allows us to determine if its buoyancy is greater than

the force of gravity pulling down on the...

Yeah, we don't need the play-by-play.

Just do your science and tell CB love isn't dead.

Then scientifically speaking, love is dead as hell.

Ha! Told ya!

Wait, what?

There is an embarrassing amount of room on this door.

No. Wrong.

Hey, Wilma, is there a world where love is such a sham

that Rose, Jack, and me could fit on that door?

With 100% certainty.

Observe. There I am.

Is there a world where love is such a suck show

where Rose, Jack, me, and you fit on that door?

WILMA: Yes. Agreed?

Agreed. Permission to gloat?

Permission granted.

Told ya! Wrong.

I refute these findings.

Excuse me? You heard me.

Your experiment is wrong, and you do science bad.

I graduated first in my class at Caltech.

You really think I can't prove a slab of wood can float?

You didn't factor in the most important scientific element.

Love. Love is an emotion,

which is the opposite of science.

Ha! Permission to high-five?

Allowed.

Don't high-five against love!

Some things are bigger than science,

no matter what your experiment suggests.

My experiment doesn't suggest anything.

It proves all Rose had to do was scoot over,

but she didn't, 'cause she wanted

that big-ass door all to herself.

Copy that. Love is a sham. We're done here.

No, we're not. Just tell me who hurt you.

No! Gimme her name, and I will fight her.

That would be weird.

And also, why does it matter so much to you?

Because you're one of my best friends, dude.

I want you to be happy, but it'll never happen

if you go through life hating love.

Well, your best dude friend appreciates the concern.

However, I will be siding with science on this one.

Wilma, permission to give you a fist bump and clean up this mess?

Allowed.

(SIGHS) My God.

You two callous nerds deserve each other.

Charlie Brown, of course. I love that.

You really do deserve each other.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Whoa! Oh, shoot.

It's perfect.

The Titanic experiment hadn't gone my way,

but now I had a new plan to help CB believe in love.

What up, playa?

No. Stop.

Whatever scheme you got cooking up, it's a hard pass.

No scheme.

Except maybe a small scheme for you to open your heart.

Ugh! Fine. You win.

I loved James Cameron's Titanic, okay?

It's his greatest movie yet, other than Aliens.

And True Lies.

No, wait. Terminator 2.

It's not about Titanic.

It's about you being happy

and forgetting about the hag who broke your heart.

I'm here. Give your heart to me.

You really don't have the details of my situation.

Doesn't matter. Clearly, there's only one gal for you.

Wilma. Wilma?

You have so much in common.

You both love teaching, and books,

and Wayne Brady, for some reason.

Plus, you're annoying know-it-alls.

It's a perfect match!

First of all, Wilma terrifies me.

Second, she only likes bad boys.

That's just an excuse so she doesn't have to put herself out there.

See? Another weird thing you have in common.

You're really not gonna give up on this, are you?

God, no. I've mapped out a very detailed six-phase plan

to help you find the courage to ask her out.

Yo, Wilma, do you wanna go out?

Nah. Cool.

Come on! CB's the best!

Any girl in this place would be lucky to date him.

First of all, I terrify him.

I tried to tell her.

Secondly, I only like bad boys.

I tried to tell her.

And I told you that's just a bad excuse to hide from love.

Yo, I don't know whose burrito exploded in the microwave,

but I will kick his ass.

Spread the word.

Mmm.

Ew. Don't "Mmm" Johnny Atkins.

I know. I got a problem.

Okay, so you like gross bad boys.

I did, too, before I met Barry,

but then I realized how happy life can be

when you have someone amazing to share it with.

If I take the kid to a movie, will you shut up?

Done! Wow, look! Sparks are flying already! Ha!

**

(THUD)

Mmm.

This is gonna be fun.

LAINEY: As I was playing matchmaker, Glascott was making sure

Coach was okay after the JV fiasco.

Hey, pal.

Just checking in on ya after your tough loss

to your own JV team.

Feeling good, Johnny Boy!

As always, I worked out a new game plan

that guarantees us the win.

Guarantees? I like the sound of that. Hit me.

We swap jerseys with Germantown,

and every time they score, we get the points!

Mmm, seems like a reach.

New plan!

We hire David Copperfield to make

the entire Germantown team... Poof! Disappear!

Maybe you should get some sleep.

But I've got the longest winning streak

in the oldest rivalry in the history of football,

so losing is not an option!

Y'know, sometimes when you lose,

you still learn a valuable lesson,

which really makes it a win.

How can you lose but also win? (CHUCKLES)

'Cause teaching them to lose like winners

is just as important as winning itself.

But a loser can't be a winner, 'cause he lost.

Rick, I'm trying to help you here.

New plan! We build a wall on the field,

and on said wall, we paint a photo-realistic image

of our end zone,

so every time they come in to score, kaboom!

They hit a big ol' wall! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that's from a Road Runner cartoon.

New plan!

Okay, get some sleep, Coach.

LAINEY: That conversation was over,

but CB and Wilma's date was just starting.

Here you go. Lainey bought us tickets already.

Titanic? We both already saw it.

Well, she said maybe if we saw it together, we'd appreciate it more.

And also fall in love.

I can't sit through a damn three-hour movie.

I got a date after this.

Oh, good for you! Good guy?

Not at all. Total dirtbag lawyer.

No future there. He's perfect.

You got problems. Sure do.

Let's just sneak into something else.

I'm dying to see The Fifth Element.

Oh, never heard of it. Do you like science fiction?

Well, I like science. It's got Bruce Willis.

Is he all sweaty and beaten-up in a dirty undershirt?

You've got problems. Sure do.

Let's hit it.

LAINEY: And so began CB and Wilma's non-date

in a movie that they naturally assumed

would be the exact opposite of Titanic.

Except it had a cruise ship. In space.

It was also a passionate love story...

In space.

And, unlike Titanic, this movie

cracked his heart wide open.

(SOBS)

I don't know if this was clear, but the fifth element was love.

That's how you make a love story and disaster movie.

Listen, I said yes to this whole thing 'cause I want to help.

You really are a good guy.

You just can't be so afraid of getting hurt...

And try to put yourself out there.

I know.

To be clear...

I know the hurt is Lainey.

No... How?

You told Susan Cinoman, Coop, and Mellor, and, boy, do they talk.

So you're saying that the only person

who doesn't know this is Lainey?

That is very concerning in my bones.

Good news is, Lainey has no idea 'cause she only sees you

as a platonic, non-sexual man-friend.

Not totally non-sexual.

I have that one soft, silky satin tie.

Point is, you can't give up on love

just because you can't be with Lainey.

You deserve to be happy, but that will never happen

if you don't move on once and for all.

You're right.

As hard as it may seem...

I got to move on.

Thanks for the awesome date, Wilma.

Not a date. But anytime.

Speaking of, time to go meet my dirt-bag lawyer!

**

Morning, boss. Hey!

Look at you. Feeling better, huh? Better than ever.

Had a big moment of clarity last night

and finally figured it out.

Ooh! How to win?

Oh, God, no!

See, I figured out that I don't actually matter.

Boom!

I'm sorry, but you're saying that like it's a good thing.

No, it's not. It's soul-crushing.

See, I realized that no matter what I do,

we're gonna lose, which really means

that I serve no actual purpose.

Okay, you're using a very chipper tone,

but the words you say sound sad.

I'm devastated!

See, I always thought that I was the one that got the win,

but turns out, it's not me.

It's the actual players!

Whoo! Good stuff!

Wrong.

It's a fact, only a great coach can make a great team.

Let's talk facts.

Who scores all the touchdowns?

The players. And who sacks the quarterback?

The players.

And in our game against Germantown last year,

who told our quarterback to go no huddle on third down

and pass for the win?

A-ha! That's you! Correct!

But then Ronnie called an audible and ran it in himself,

and I just stood there and I watched!

At the end of the day,

me and my whistle don't do a damn thing.

No, Rick, do not take that whistle off.

Whistle's off. Take it.

But it's your main coach tool.

Doesn't matter what I use.

Let's face it, nothing I do makes a difference.

**

Why is it wet?

LAINEY: It had been a day since Coach handed over his whistle to Glascott,

but it was far from over.

Boss, we got a huge problem!

I told you, Johnny, you're the one with the rubber gloves.

You handle it.

No, it's the Quaker Cup.

It's gone.

That's impossible!

Mellor checks on that trophy once an hour on the hour.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, no, Rick, no!

Oh, no!

Don't look at me. I'm hideous.

Put that spoon down right now!

Let me say goodbye to my trophy in peace!

No!

Do you know how many times you've picked me up

when I felt like I was bad at my job?

Like, a lot. Like, way too many times.

Like, so much that it's a bummer to even think about.

It does seem to happen with great frequency.

We both agree it's an alarming amount!

Point is, you've always picked me up

when I felt like I was bad at my job,

and now it's time for me to give you

an inspirational locker room pep talk.

LAINEY: That day, John Glascott gave

the greatest Rick Mellor speech of his life.

Naturally, it began with the angry jug kick.

I'm tired of your defeated attitude

and your sad dairy consumption!

You may wanna give up, but I refuse to give up on you!

Aah! Ow!

LAINEY: Followed by the heartfelt apology.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

It's just that I care so much.

Especially in my foot,

which hurts so bad that I may throw up.

LAINEY: Then the classic "I quit" maneuver.

You wanna just throw in the towel?

Then I will, too!

I quit!

That's on your head!

You did this!

LAINEY: And then the triumphant return.

Hey, look, it's me. I'm back.

And I believe in you more than ever.

LAINEY: None of it worked, so he went rogue.

Listen up, you sack of (BLEEP)!

Stop acting like a sorry-ass (BLEEP)

and get your head in the (BLEEP) game, for (BLEEP) sake!

Whoa! Stop! What's the matter with you, man?

I don't know. I... I'm not good at this.

Is that what I sound like when I'm giving a pep talk?

Oh, God. I'm more useless than I thought.

You're not useless, Rick.

Okay, so, maybe you don't actually

make the players win the game,

but, honestly, that's not your job.

Of course it is. No.

Your job is to teach those kids that even when they lose,

they can still feel like winners.

You're right.

And ya know...

I actually think I have a plan that just may work.

All right, Quaker warriors.

Huddle up. We got a big game today.

No more pep talks, Coach.

There's no point in trying to convince us

we can actually beat Germantown.

Agreed!

Look, I'm not one to get up here and make big speeches,

but like it or not, we got a game to play.

But we can still find a way to win.

How?

We do everything in our power

to make sure this game isn't a total blowout.

But that means we still lose.

But we do it with dignity.

I know you're all thinking we're gonna lose by at least 50.

Well, guess what.

I know in my heart that we can lose by just 49!

That's impossible, Coach.

Is it, Ronnie?

Reza, we all agree you're gonna throw

a minimum of nine interceptions.

But if you can throw just four, that's a win.

The biggest. Is it even possible?

Hell yes!

I know our defensive line is as thin as paper,

but I say be thick as cardboard!

And I know our running backs are as slow as molasses,

but I say be maple syrup!

And if you're gonna sloppily fumble the ball,

you do it with your head held high!

Am I right? PLAYERS: Yeah!

Are you ready to go out there and show Germantown

that no matter how many points they score,

we draw the line at 50?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, then let's get out there and get our asses kicked,

but not as badly as everybody expects!

ALL: Yeah!

**

(CHEERING)

(BUZZER)

We did it! We only lost by 49!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

* ...forever this way

* You are safe... *

You do know we won, right?

Only according to the scoreboard.

Here. I believe this is yours.

Take good care of her.

LAINEY: That day, Coach won the biggest game of his career.

Sure, the team may have lost in epic fashion,

but in doing so, they learned a valuable lesson...

If you always try your best, you'll never be disappointed.

Well? How was the big date?

I need details, now.

Uh, y'know, you were right.

It really was exactly what I needed.

As in sparks? You and Wilma had sparks?

Oh, God, no. No.

But it made me realize that maybe love

isn't a sinking ship, and to give it another shot.

Awesome.

And for the record, whoever that girl was that hurt you, she's an idiot.

She's actually pretty great.

(GROANS) You're too nice.

So are you.

I mean, you let me crash on your couch for the last month.

But I should probably start looking for my own place.

Really? There's no rush.

I know, but it's time to move on.

Thank you for being the best damn best friend in the world.

Always.

Turns out, CB did believe in love after all.

He just needed a little proof

from the people who care about him.

Seriously, still trying to refute my findings?

Sorry.

I just can't get over knowing there was room on the door.

Just say it. Wilma is always right.

You really are.

I mean, you went on one non-date with CB,

and now he's all happy again.

What did you even say to him?

Just helped him figure out a way to move on.

**

It's time I move on.

* We'll stay

* Forever this way

* You are safe in my heart

* And my heart will go on and on... *

Oh, my God.

I'm the girl.

I'm the girl.

Life can throw some huge surprises at us.

But if you have the people who care about you

there to support you,

you'll always find a way to win.

**

(DING)

I'm the king of the...

(SCREAMING)

Starting today, this school has a strict zero-tolerance policy

for "King of the world'ing" in any of its forms.

You think it's fun to pull a Jack? Well, it's not!

Do not Jack in the hallways or Jack in the parking lot. (LAUGHTER)

Do not Jack near your locker.

Do not Jack near your friend's locker.

And please, for God's sakes, do not pull a quick Jack

with the skeleton in science class.

Yeah, that's right, we all heard!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Hey, boss! Sorry to miss the assembly.

Just rigging this beauty up for the sailing team.

Also, look at me!

Oh, God, no, no, no, no!

No Jacking in the parking lot!

No, no! Look away, children!

I'm the king of the world! No!