All language subtitles for Schitts Creek - 06x04 - Maid of Honor.CookieMonster.English

Oh my God, I just sent you

the first trailer to the "Crows" movie!

- What?!
- My "Crows" movie?

No. Gwen's.

They sent over a little sneak peak

before it goes live tomorrow.

Oh, Alexis!

This is a critical moment.

A siren call to the cinematic
rapture that is to come.

- How did it look?
- It like literally just came through

John, draw the curtains.

- David!
- David: What?

We're going to watch
the "Crows" trailer.

No! No, go away.

Perhaps I should screen
it privately first.

Okay. Well, I'm here now.

So the least you could do is show me it.

Dad!

John, it's practically obsidian in here!

You just said close the curtains!

Okay. Okay, family, be kind.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, we gotta press play.
- Oh. Okay.

Ad voice: Some banks make
mortgages way too complicated.

I don't remember any of this... ?

- Oh, it's just an ad, Sweetheart.
- Skip it.

Trailer voice: There was a time

when the Crows were our friend...

- It's halted. Someone hit resume.
- Just let it buffer.

- Friends.
- Well, we best be returning...

Dad, I told you we needed
to upgrade the Wi-Fi.

Oh, this is a no way an
optimal viewing experience.

- It's back!
- Okay, start it over.

Okay.

Ad Voice: Some banks make mortgages...

- You know what, this is excruciating.
- You know what, Sweetheart?

Why don't you just give us
a holler when it's ready?

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

Oh my God, David!

I totally forgot about
the wedding dream book!

Um, where did you find that?

Um, I was looking for an earring

and found it under your
pillow. Anyway, you did it.

You manifested your wedding
and I'm like literally stunned.

You're stunned.

Yeah, but like in a good way.

Like think of all the
people on the planet

who find someone, somehow
you're one of those people.

I don't know how to take that.

I mean, you didn't end up marrying
JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman.

But I actually feel
like Patrick is kind of

- the best of both of them.
- Mhmm.

Oh, so you're still
gonna do Keira Knightley's

green dress from Atonement
as my maid of honor look?

You know what, haven't got to that stage

in the planning process
yet. So I'm not quite sure.

Okay. Well, I'm here for a month

so you better put me
to work while your can.

Hm. Come in.

Well, if it isn't our
very own little JC Chasez.

- Sorry. Who?
- Ooh, we've been over that.

Um, we should probably go though.

Oh. Where are my favourite
groom and David off to?

We are taking Patrick
to get his suit fitted.

What kind of suit?

- Hopefully my wedding suit.
- Oh my God.

Well, I'll just grab
my bag, and come with.

You know what, I don't even
know if that's necessary.

Honestly, David, it's fine.
I'm your maid of honor.

Um... hmm...

Okay re: that.

You weren't supposed to
be here for six months,

so I might have asked someone else.

Okay. Well, I'm here now. So...

who did you ask?

If you say Ronnie...

Oh, I don't think she
would have said say yes.

- Does not like him.
- Yeah.

Um, I asked Stevie.

David, you better be
talking about Stevie Nicks.

Stevie said yes?

I mean, it was more
of a reluctant "sure."

Okay, well, it sound like she
doesn't actually wanna do it.

So why don't I just come with,

and I will gently take it off her hands.

Fine. But I don't
want any hurt feelings.

Because the last thing we need right now

is interpersonal conflict
eclipsing my... our day.

Imagine what I could do with
you bachelor party, David.

Diplo still sends me nudes.

- It's a DJ.
- Okay.

Oh Roland, I'm shocked.

These rooms are in good shape.

Well, I don't know what you
were expecting, Johnny.

I mean, no offense, but I don't
throw good money down on lemons.

Who am I, you buying your car?

Okay, we've had no problems
with the car, Roland.

No, this place has good bones.

Oh, look... the maid
forgot to pick up her tip.

Is that a bag full of money?

Yeah, it's kinda a generous
tip when you consider

she didn't clean up this garbage

and this loaded gun.

All right. Don't point it, put it down.

Put the gun down.

Someone's clearly been squatting here.

And by the looks of it,

they don't appear to
be on the up and up.

Well, maybe Benny and
Betty left this here.

And we just inherited a
bag of money and a gun.

If we're gonna split
it up, I call the money.

We're not taking the money, Roland.

Whoever left it here is
obviously coming back for it.

Why do you say that?

I left a pack of chewing
gum at the movie theater

two weeks ago, and I
haven't gone back for it.

Look at this, a
cigarette and a newspaper.

That stuff could've been here for years.

Then explain why the
coffee is still hot?

- It's called global warming, Johnny.
- Okay.

Why do you strike me as one of

those people that
doesn't believe in that.

Roland, I say we go to the police.

We have to let them handle it.

And then what? We offer
our guests a discount

to stay in the middle of a crime scene.

Then what do you suggest?

Let's stake out the place,

Person comes back, takes
their stuff, leaves,

and we can change the locks.

Okay, we give it a day,
see if the guy comes back.

Or gal. This is the
21st century, Johnny.

- Okay.
- Let's get with it.

Come on.

I'm with it.

Well, we best be returning
to the lab, Nathaniel.

It's getting dark.

But it's the middle of the afternoon,

must be a solar eclipse.

That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel!

Those are birds!

Ahhh!

And so... what have we done?!

Trailer voice: "The Crows
Have Eyes: The Crowening."

Mrs. Rose, was that you the whole time?

Indeed it was.

Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy

of our special effects department.

Stunning, isn't it?

What a human beak can do?

So wait. Did you get
the virus in the end?

Was that not clear?
Should we give it another watch?

No, I think three times
through is the sweet spot.

This is so exciting.

What if it gets nominated for an Oscar?

Twyla! No, we must keep the
carriage in the wake of the mare.

Golden Globe, perhaps,

but I won't let myself envisage that.

I gotta say, those
special effects looked

way better than what I
pictured when you described it.

Credit the technical wizardry
of our team of imaginators.

Gals, we're being rude.

Jocelyn hasn't had a chance
to render her opinion,

though the adulation does
appear to be unanimous.

Well...

it looked just like a real movie.

Now there is the quote
for the sizzle reel!

Oh... it's-it's neat!

"Neat."

To see you in a... in a real movie.

Anyways, I bet we are dying
to get to rehearsal, ladies.

So let's get those stands.

Of course. We'll pick up
this parley after rehearsal.

- Were the crows nice?
- Hm.

My uncle had a parrot
that just kept asking me

to take my bra off.

Okay, so you guys just chat up here,

and I'll keep it cool, keep it casual.

Okay. Here she comes.

She'll probably gonna be
uncomfortable admitting

that she doesn't wanna be a
part of your wedding party,

so I'm gonna make her feel
like she's doing me a favour.

- Patrick: Isn't she though?
- Alexis: Okay. That's funny.

More of that. But aim it at David.

Please drive.

- Like, now.
- Yep.

So that's your uniform, huh?

You do know that "Pan Am" was canceled

after a season, right?

Cool and casual, please David.

I am sitting next to her so I
will be the one to handle this.

This is the flight attendant's uniform.

Why am I wearing it, you ask?

Because this morning I found out

I was gonna be a flight
attendant on a real flight.

Wait, didn't you like just start?

Uh, less than a week ago? Yeah. Mhmm.

So how safe can the plane be

if I'm the one in charge
of saving people's lives?

Yeah. Yikes. Not safe.

So you probably just
wanna like head home then.

I'm fine. As long as I
don't have to go back there.

I was gonna put my
life in danger for what?

To see the world?

They only fly to Hoboken,
Windsor and South Dakota.

I've actually heard South
Dakota is quite scenic.

- Okay.
- Did you know that Larry

Air has 18 ongoing lawsuits?

- One of which is from Larry himself.
- Wow, okay. Got it.

I left a job that I
actually liked for this.

What is wrong with me?

How honest do you want us to be?

Oh no, babe. It sounds like you
have so much on your plate already,

on top of your bridesmaids duties.

Are you sure you want that much stress?

As crazy as this sounds,

I'm actually looking forward to that.

Feel like it's the only job
I can't mess up at this point.

Totally.

Hmm.

Okay, Johnny.

As soon as we get this
place up and running

the first order of business

is to restock the vending machine.

Do you know that all they had was this

Drink Tyme Orange Sodas
and one bag of Poly Puffs.

All right, we're gonna have to get

some brand names in there.

No, I'm saying get more of this.

Do you realize that this soda
is made with 99% real drink.

You can't argue with that kind of math.

Roland, can you focus on
the task at hand please?

If we're gonna be partners,

you've gotta take this
job more seriously.

Well, why do you think
I got these snacks?

I mean we could be on
this stakeout for days,

maybe weeks.

Someone's coming.

Get down.

It is a man.

Your sexist instincts
were right as usual.

Okay. Good, good, good.

Maybe he'll just get
his stuff and leave.

He's taken off his jacket.

He's going to the vending machine?

Roland, we can't have squatters here.

One of us is gonna have to talk to him.

Johnny, the guy has a gun.

Okay, then as partners,

I think it's only fair thing
to do is handle this together.

Okay.

I just need a minute to
figure out what I'm gonna say.

Come in.

Oh, good, Jocelyn,

I caught you in a moment of repose.

Yeah. I was just grading book reports.

Heh. Tell me about it!

So how are you doing, Jocelyn?

You seem to be wishing
to discharge something

from your chest today at rehearsal

and... didn't get a chance.

- Uh, no, I'm fine.
- You're fine.

Why? Why do you hate my movie?

- I just saw the trailer.
- Exactly!

Yet you've already deemed
it this year's John Carter.

- I never said that.
- You didn't have to.

Just the look in your
eyes sent a chilling,

wet gust of raspberries to my face.

I just don't like horror movies.

My first boyfriend took me to a Michael
Meyers movie and I never got over it.

Not "The Love Guru"?

Moira, you don't really
care if I like your movie?

Don't be giddy.

But just so you know, Jocelyn,

an actress is only as happy
as her unhappiest audience.

What do we think? Bow tie or no bow tie.

- Oh, bow.
- No bow.

I sort of feel like bow
tie is kind of classic, no?

Okay, you sort of made it
seem like you weren't sure.

I'm not sure. But I also very much am.

Also, a black bow
ties photograph better.

I should know. I once hooked up

with three different GQ Men of the Year.

At the GQ Men of the Year party.

Okay, sorry.

I'm probably not the person
to ask for fashion stuff.

Um, speaking of maid of honor duties...

Stevie? Thoughts on the bachelor party.

Oh-oh.

Um, I think I was just gonna
see what David wanted to do?

Okay. I'm super easy.

Although I did find a
gorgeous ryokan in Hakone

With a hot spring-fed
onsen on the balcony?

Private Chef optional.
But I'm open to other ideas.

Okay. Hot tip: it often
makes for less stress

if you just plan it yourself
and then tell the bride after.

Okay. Stevie, not hot on that tip. Okay?

Okay, I'm starting to realize

that there's a lot more
to this job than I thought.

Tell me about it.

I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette

on this tiny island off
the coast of Montenegro

where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

Okay. Are you sure
you shouldn't do this?

Because, I mean...

you're here now, you're David's sister,

and you're clearly
better suited for the job.

Oh my God, Stevie.

I get why you and everyone else
would be asking that question,

but... the answer is...

like maybe?

What am I doing?

Well, we can just
crossfade responsibilities.

No. What am I doing with my life.

I'm now unemployed in my thirties.

For the second time in a week.

I left your dad high
and dry at the motel...

and now I'm...

Okay, all of what you're
saying may be very, very true.

Which is why I will not
let you give up this job.

You can do this. And if you can't,

I will be here for the whole
month to help you through it.

Bring it in, girl.

Oh no, I don't think
you need to... okay.

Hey, what do we think about this one?

Oh my God. Since when did
James Bond shop to Elm Glenn?

- So that's a yes?
- Yes.

Um, we still need to pick a tie.

So what does our maid of honor think?

Hm. Hm.

Which one is your favourite.

Hm...

Yes.

Can we just get married already?

I'm kidding, I want pageantry

that takes months and months to plan.

- Of course you do.
- You look so good.

Fits in the shoulders.
Make you button it up.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, I really don't
know about this, Roland.

Still feels like a police matter to me.

Johnny, you got this. Relax.

Remember there is two
of us, one of him so.

Okay.

Of course he does have that gun.

- Yeah?
- Hi. My name is Johnny Rose...

and this is my partner...

Partner.

He calls me... No we actually just met.

What're you, guys, cops?

No. No, no.

No weapons here.

No, we're um,

we're the new owners of this motel

and we just stopped by and say hi,

and to get a little more information

about what exactly you are
doing here on our property.

And by the way, whatever
you're doing is A-okay with me.

But unfortunately Professor Prude here

is not too keen on "squatters."

Who said I'm a squatter?

I'm a long-term tenant.

Betty told me she'd bake
that into the contract.

Bake it into the contract. Roland?

Was it in the contract?

The contract is like 25 pages.

- That's what lawyers are for.
- Well, I'm a lawyer.

And I assure you that it's in there.

You're a lawyer?

Then might I ask what you're doing here?

I'm a prosecutor.

And uh, when you're putting
away the kind of guys I do...

- Or gals.
- No, never women.

It's always safest
to keep a low profile.

So part of that involved
paying Betty and Benny in cash.

Okay.

Well, that explains what
that big ole bag was for.

- How do you know I have a big old bag?
- I didn't know.

I don't know anything about a bag.

You guys have been in
my room, haven't you?

You know I keep a lot
of very highly classified

- documents in here.
- Uh, no, it wasn't us.

No.

But we will make sure
no one ever pokes around

- in here again.
- Right.

We wouldn't want you
to have to use your gun.

You found my gun?

I don't know what he's talking about.

Obviously you're a valued guest here.

So here's my card,

and we can set up the same cash payments

that you gave to Betty.
Have a very pleasant stay.

Well, Johnny, you still
wanna call the cops?

Okay, you were right
on this one, Roland.

I think this was a pretty
important one to be right on.

Our first guest, not bad, huh?

- Not bad.
- Okay. How about "Good job, Roland."

- Good job, Roland.
- You're a professional, Roland.

Dr. Clara Mandrake: What have we done?!

Good. Good. And the
egg-laying feels grounded.

Hi Moira,

I don't wanna interrupt you,

I can see you're busy...
watching the trailer again.

I just wanted to apologize for earlier.

No need to self-flagellate, Jocelyn.

Even if yours is the
lone dissenting voice

in the canticle.

Sorry, Moira, I think my reason

for not wanting to jump on the bandwagon

is just that I've seen you
get your hopes up before,

only to be disappointed
when things didn't work out.

I don't require coddling.

I know.

Now that I realize that my
opinion means something to you,

there is a lot that I
liked about the trailer...

Do go on.

"From the first ominous syllable

of the narrator's tale,

one can feel the hair
on one's arms standing

at affrighted attention.

Yes, there will be blood.

And, yes, you will be horror-struck.

But, more than that, you will be lured,

against every instinct
for self-preservation,

to look inside, and face your very own

futile resistance to transfiguration."

- Who wrote that?
- I did.

You? You did.

Oh, wow... Jocelyn, thank you.

Nothing about me or my performance?

Oh. It's just a first draft.

Yes. Okay.

- I really liked your feathers!
- Mhmm.

They're very life-like.

Surprise. They are real.

1200 of them hand-sewn into my costume.

Mhmm.

The live crows on set
welcomed me as their own.

One even tried to mate.

- Ooh. Sounds dangerous.
- Wow.

Perhaps one more watch to get
your superlatives surging anew?

Oh Moira, I'm sure
that you're tired and...

okay.

Trailer Voice: "There was a time

when the Crows were our friends."

- That voice really is creepy.
- Shh.

Wow, so what happened?

She was ready to hand over the crown.

Oh, she was, but...

I feel like she needs it more than I do.

Wow. Who are you?

I know, right? Like
what's happening to me?

- You're going soft.
- Ugh.

But don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

Anyway, it might kill me on the day,

but I'm glad that she
actually found something

- to distract herself.
- Hm. Mhmm.

Speaking of the day...

I have a better job for you?

Okay. I think it would
be a weird look for me

to be a flower girl at my age, David.

I've thought about it...

and I want you to give me away.

Oh my God, David.

That's like arguably the most
important role of the wedding.

A simple yes or no is
fine. No need to pull focus.

Okay. I do.

Great.

Although now that I think about it,

I could also be the flower girl.

Like come out first, wearing a
gown made entirely of flowers...

- No.
- Just walk down the aisle,

- and loop back...
- Absolutely not.

And then quick outfit
change, and we're up.

I take it back, I'm gonna ask Jocelyn.

- Hm. Hey...
- Enough.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --