Original subtitles

[Man Narrating] This is the village of Putnam's Landing...

located some 50 miles north of New York City on Long Island Sound.

Rich in history and tradition...

Putnam's Landing was founded in 1628...

by one Samuel Putnam.

There is very little to be said about Samuel Putnam...

as the day he landed, he was scalped.

It was the last really interesting thing that happened in Putnam's Landing...

for more than 300 years.

- This is the crack commuting train... - [Horn Blaring]

The 5:29 from Grand Central.

It makes its run in an hour and 10 minutes.

These are the happy commuters.

In the last five years, these contented country dwellers...

have made 1,250 round-trips.

That means they have each wasted a total...

of 2,920 and two-third man-hours aboard this train.

- Hey, a scotch and soda! - [Chattering]

Scotch and soda!

- Hey! - Here you are, sir.

Pass one of those back here, will ya?

Make it a double. It's gettin' late.

Hey, hey. I'll settle for a single, straight.

Thank you. I'm very grateful.

[Chattering]

It took me all this time to get my first drink. I sure can use it.

- [Glass Clatters] - Putnam's Landing!

Putnam's Landing! Don't forget your parcels.

- [Chuckling] - [Forced Chuckle]

[Woman] Do you think success will spoil you, Harry Bannerman?

Hi, Angela.

Say, you haven't seen Grace around here anyplace, have you?

No. Have you seen my Oscar?

No. Well, he wasn't on the bar car anyway.

Well, if he wasn't on the bar car, he wasn't on the train.

Yes. You have a point there, yes.

[Dinging]

- [Ringing] - Hello?

No, honey, it-

No, uh, it's just that Danny swallowed something.

Fortunately, the plumber's here.

Um- Honey, look, there's a lot going on.

Do you suppose you could take a cab just this once?

All right.

- Everything all right? - No. Grace got tied up. She wants me to take a cab.

Oh, that's all right. I'll drop you.

Look. No meter.

Well, thanks.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Can I make an observation? - Yes.

What is that devastating perfume you have on?

- Pink Boudoir. - Well- [Italian]

- Now may I make an observation? - Go right ahead.

That is sweeter than anything my husband has said to me since we've been married.

I'll remember it as I sit alone tonight getting loaded.

Gee, I wonder why Grace couldn't meet me. Probably something got clogged.

Oh, think positively. The trouble with you is...

you should've had a couple more drinks on the train.

[Chuckles] I didn't have a drop.

- Why? - Well- [Chuckles]

It's a long story with an unhappy ending.

Oscar always has a couple of drinks on the train...

to brace himself so he can face me, I guess.

Oh, I don't know about that.

But I have a couple of doubles because the way I look at it is that...

he is twice as hard to face as I am.

Not that I miss him, but I wonder what happened to him.

I don't know. Guys in television...

are always going off somewhere unexpectedly.

Mmm. One of these days...

I'm going to go off somewhere unexpectedly.

- Oh, yeah? - To Reno, Nevada.

Of course, the sad part is I don't really want a divorce.

I mean, I like being married.

[Sighs] I just don't like being married to Oscar.

Actually, Grace is a remarkable girl.

Actually, Oscar is kind of a poop.

No. The whole problem is there just aren't any eligible bachelors...

in Putnam's Landing.

Of course, the joint is absolutely jumping with married men.

I could pick off any one of them-

ping- anytime I wanted to.

[Chuckles] Don't point that thing at me. I'm a- I'm a-

[Clears Throat] I'm a happily married man. I have a happy home...

and a happy wife and two happy children.

I couldn't be happier. I'm very happy indeed. Oh!

If I- If, uh- If someone were unhappy...

you could certainly make 'em happy.

- Oh. - I mean, you're very attractive.

- And, gosh, you sure do smell good. - Thank you.

Don't you think you'd better watch where you're going?

Um, no, I-As I was saying, there's no question about it.

I mean, if-if, um-

If I weren't as happy as I am, uh-

I mean, there wouldn't be any question about it.

You could, uh, make me- You know what I mean?

Oh. Oh, I didn't mean anything, uh-

- Angela, really, I-I didn't mean, um- - I wish you had.

Are we, uh, waiting for a red light or something?

No.

Here's your happy home. [Laughs]

Oh, yes, so it is. Well, gee.

Thanks for the, um-Thanks for the lift and for the laughs, Angela.

So long, Happy.

Oh, funny girl.

- [Thundering Hoofbeats On TV] - [Dog Barking On TV]

- [Gunfire] - [Blows Kiss]

- Hi, fellas. - Shh!

Hey, uh, fellas, Daddy's home.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you, gentlemen. I am deeply moved.

We gotta do something about that television.

Oh, boy.

- Is this all we got? - Mm-hmm.

Well, while you're at it, will you, uh, make a note to get some more whiskey?

- All righty. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Now, drop the pen. What are we writing?

A deposit for a new washing machine.

A new w-

- You're in a lovely mood. - What kind of a mood do you expect me to be in?

I come home to my mortgage-covered cottage. The kids don't talk to me.

You only come home to your mortgage-covered cottage.

I am home. I'm the one who has to face...

the washing machine breaking down and Danny swallowing his allowance.

- All of it? - All five pennies.

Well, I, uh- I knew something got clogged.

Very funny.

[Snickers]

[TVContinues]

Uh, why did you do that to your daddy?

Now, just for that, you turn off that television set...

and you take your brother and you go upstairs and you look at your radio.

How do you look at a radio?

Don't correct your father.

You heard what your mother said. Now!

- That's right. Yell at the children. - [Door Slams Shut]

That's the alcohol speaking.

- What? Where? I haven't had any alcohol. - I don't know why you do it.

You can't face us when you come home. You can't face me...

or your beautiful children or your lovely home.

I can't face you? Honey, half the time, you're not here to face.

Now, people are beginning to think that the babysitter's my wife.

And what have you been doing to make them think that?

What have I-

Honey, wait- Don't change the subject.

Now, where were you on Monday when I came home?

Monday was den mothering it in the woods with a pack of other people's mistakes...

and I had cold scraps from Sunday.

Then on Tuesday-Tuesday was the meeting for the Committee...

for the Preservation of, uh-

- Unknown Landmarks. - Yeah, thank you.

Unknown Landmarks. And I sat shivering with a frozen TV dinner.

Hey, listen! [Chuckles]

I get the chills every time I think of dinner at home.

So now you think it's wrong for me to take an interest in my community, hmm?

No, no, an interest is fine. Honey, this town...

has got more committees than the United Nations.

You seem to be on every one of them.

We had more homelife before we were married, Grace Oglethorpe.

And now you're attacking me for doing my civic duty!

No. Civic duty's fine up to a point. Up to a point.

But you've gone beyond that point.

Honey, you're not a conscientious citizen anymore. You're a conscientious sucker.

Thank you very much.

We had a fellow in the office had a wife just like you-

committees, committees, committees.

You know what he did?

He went out and he found himself a little homelife away from home.

She was a rare beauty too.

Where did you see her?

He showed me her picture.

All right. All right, Harry Bannerman.

If that's what you want, you go out and you find yourself some little floozy...

and you see if-

[Sobbing]

Honey!

[Sobbing Continues]

Will you-

Darling, I don't want that. I couldn't afford it even if I did-

Darling, I want you. I love you.

And I love you too. So why are we fighting?

Because when I come home, I'd like-

[Chuckles] I don't know.

[Sniffles] Harry, how would you like to go away for a couple of days?

- Me, alone? - Oh, no, honey. I mean both of us.

Honey, you mean that?

Of course I mean it.

Oh, now you're talkin'. Now you're really talkin'.

I'll get that babysitter in, and I'll get Sid Harris to take over at the office for me.

- I got a great idea. - What?

We'll go to New York. We'll get us a suite at the St. Regis Hotel.

Oh, that's a divine idea!

Can we have breakfast in bed?

Ooh, can we have breakfast in bed!

And lunch in bed, and dinner in bed.

Maybe even a midmorning snack in bed.

Hey! Look, if we leave right now-

Honey, we can't leave now.

- Why not? - Because there's a town meeting.

- Oh, so what? Skip it. - Well, darling, I would love to.

But Betty O'Sheels garbage plant comes up for a vote, and I swore to her we'd be there.

Well, can't we send proxies? I mean, that's only garbage.

Oh, honey, I'm on her committee. She needs my moral support.

Well, I need your support too, honey, moral and otherwise.

Well, how about tomorrow?

I don't know if I can restrain myself until tomorrow.

Then you'll just have to make the effort.

Okay.

Tomorrow.

- Honey? - Hmm?

- I can't make it tomorrow either. - Why not?

I've called a meeting of my Pageant Committee.

Is it that time of the year again already?

Now, Harry, you know what my pageant means to the town.

Well, what would they do on the Fourth ofJuly without it?

They might enjoy themselves.

You think it's any fun sitting up there in those bleachers...

watching George Washington... dripping sweat...

when he's supposed to be freezing to death at Valley Forge?

Well, this year, I've decided to do something different-

something... bigger and better.

Like what?

I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Well, have you decided that we can definitely go on Saturday?

Harry Bannerman, where is your mind?

- Saturday's your son's birthday. - Which one?

- Harry Bannerman! - Well, I got a right to know.

Well, it's Danny's.

What about Sunday? Hmm? I love Sunday in New York.

- Sunday's the birthday party. - I thought you said the birthday was on Saturday?

Well, the birthday's Saturday, but, you see...

Dickie Sutphen and Billy Nye have a dancing lesson on Saturday...

so we decided to switch the birthday party on Sunday.

Well, for $64,000, why can't you make it Monday?

- Well, we can. - We can?

If you wanna take Peter with us.

Honey- Now, I-I love our firstborn...

as though he were human...

but why do we have to take that little monster with us on our second honeymoon?

Because Monday's the day you take Peter in to get his bite plate fitted.

Oh, yeah, his bite plate.

[Sighs] Just one last damaging question.

Since you knew all along that we were never gonna be able to make it...

why did you tantalize me by bringing it up in the first place?

Oh, it's not all my fault.

I love you.

And I love you too...

from afar.

And someday, someday...

when Dickie Sutphen and Billy Nye have learned to dance...

and- and they found a new driver for the bloodmobile...

and- and they haven't formed that committee...

that you'll have to form the women's auxiliary of...

and- and medical science has found a cure...

for these mentally retarded do-gooders-

[Sighs] Someday-

Someday, Grace Bannerman...

mark my words...

I'll get you yet.

All right.

[Narrator] If Harry Bannerman believes that his life is complicated now...

- he should only know that at this very moment... - [Phone Ringing]

Angela Hoffa is doing a bit of conniving on her own.

But wait. I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

Let's see who's calling.

Yeah? Well, what I said still goes.

- [Buzzing] - Yeah?

Who? Mrs. Hoffa? That's my wife. Tell her to hang on.

[Woman] I'm sorry. He's on another line.

Oh, he's on another line? Well, all right. I'll wait.

I've got nothing else to do but stand here and shiver and drip.

Who? Oh, all right. Put her on. Angela, what do you want?

[Sighs] What do I want?

Oh, I don't know. Love, power, immortality.

What's the matter with you? Are you loaded? Now, what is it you want? I'm busy.

I hate to remind you that you called me.

But while you're on, I was just wondering in my naive, girlish way...

why you weren't on the 5:29?

How should I know why I wasn't on the 5:29?

Oh, here it is in black and white. I'm flying to Hollywood tonight.

Didn't they tell you? Of course I gotta go. How do I know why? I'm goin'.

Let's keep it gay, Oscar. Let's close with a laugh.

And here's the biggest laugh of the evening: I'll miss you!

Angela, I don't get it.

Ping.

No, of course not, Angela. No, it's no trouble at all.

Angela, what good is it to be neighbors if we're not gonna be neighborly?

Yeah. All right, in half an hour.

Bye.

That was Angela Hoffa calling. She wants us to pick her up on the way to the meeting...

'cause it seems that Oscar is off to Hollywood again.

I don't know how they live together. They never see each other.

Harry?

Harry, how long have you been seeing imaginary movies?

- On the back of my eyelids. - On the back of your eyelids.

- Since you were six? - Five.

I've told you a million times.

When I was a kid, they were mostly Westerns.

But then around 10, things kind of changed.

Harry Bannerman in Red Dust.

With Jean Harlow.

Of course, in- in my version, I took her away from Clark Gable...

which was quite a trick considering that I was only three feet tall.

You know, I've been discussing this with Sally Stengel's brother.

He thinks it's a definite neurotic symptom.

- It's a gift. - Not according to Sally Stengel's brother.

However, he says it really isn't serious...

and he can probably stop it in six weeks' therapy.

Stop it? Honey, it saved my life a thousand times.

Town meetings, P.T.A., lectures...

and often when we have company.

And may I ask what's playing at the Harry Bannerman Theater tonight?

[Harry] It's a movie I created myself.

And I can twist it any way I want.

Harry, beloved, I have traveled halfway round the globe...

to tell you I'm ready to make amends.

No more committees, no more outside activities.

I am ready to spend all my waking hours making you happy.

You are my life, my love, my all...

and I'm ready to prove it.

Darling, what more can I say...

after I say "I'm ready"?

Harry Bannerman, I'm ready.!

Mm-hmm.

- Harry! - Grace, let's skip the meeting and stay home.

- Grace, I love you. - I love you too, but you're messing me up!

- Well? - Honey, we gotta go to the meeting.

- We can't stay here? - [Chuckling] No.

Okay. Okay, tonight's the town meeting, and tomorrow's the pageant.

Saturday is Danny's birthday, but Dickie Sutphen and Billy Nye have gotta learn how to dance...

so they can't have the birthday party until Sunday.

On Monday, you gotta take Peter and have his bite plate fixed. But on Tuesday-

On Tuesday, you and I are checking in to the St. Regis Hotel...

come rain, snow or gloom of night.

[Chuckling]

Now, we may get there a little late for breakfast in bed, but we'll be there-

- We'll get there in time for lunch? - In bed.

- Is that a date? - Yes.

Next Tuesday at the St. Regis no matter what?

All right, you great big lovable, overgrown boy.

You have a date at the St. Regis next Tuesday no matter what.

Let me up! We gotta go!

Come on! Come on.

Let's go in and take a peek at the kids, hmm?

[Girl] Cinderella's sisters are two real cubes...

but, uh, her fairy godmother digs the action the most.

"Oh, you wanna go to the ball?" She asked.

"Crazy, dad," Cinderella says.

And wham, bam, alakazam, that no-talent pumpkin...

suddenly turns into a four-passenger T-Bird.

And off they go to have themselves a ball. Dig it?

- The most. - The most.

At least our kids are learning a foreign language.

Oh, you just don't dig it. You're getting old.

I am, huh? Just wait until Tuesday.

Before going on, I should like to pause briefly...

to examine some of the broader aspects of garbage disposal.

We must face the fact that garbage disposal-wise...

new vistas, new dimensions...

new horizons are daily being opened unto us.

Even a superficial glance at the facts reveals...

that there are not one...

but three basic methods of garbage disposal.

I have brought a loaf of bread, a jug of wine.

All I need is thou... now!

We must stand together. And I am very pleased to report...

- that if we stand together... - [No Audible Dialogue]

We can acquire the perfect location for this plant-

the old Yarboro property on Shore Road.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I own the old Yarboro property, and you're not gonna get it for a- for a garbage plant.

Mr. Crummitt, may I-

Now, let's save some words, Mr. Moderator.

You're going to ask me, "Why not?"

And I'm going to tell you I've sold it.

And you're gonna ask me who bought it...

and I'm gonna tell you who-

the United States Army.

- [Woman] What? - [Murmuring]

Why is the army moving into a peaceful little village like this?

What about our daughters?

Our daughters have been gently reared.

What'll happen to these pure, innocent girls...

when the town is filled with soldiers?

- Mr. Crummitt- - I knew you were gonna get back to me.

Now, you're going to ask me, "What does the army want with that property?"

And I'm going to tell you word for word-

verbatim- exactly what they told me- nothing!

- Top secret. - [Man] Atom bombs!

- [Murmuring] - The whole town might blow up!

Order, please. We must have order. His Honor has the floor.

Fellow citizens, as your mayor, I can safely say...

that our town faces the greatest crisis since Samuel Putnam was scalped.

- [Murmuring] - Absolutely!

Are we going to sit by and be calmly blasted into kingdom come?

[All] No!

Let's forget all this silly talk about garbage...

and get on to the important problem we've got ahead of us.

We've gotta keep this top secret out of Putnam's Landing.

Bravo!

[Woman] Mr. Moderator, I move that we form a committee right now.

The Women's Safety Committee for the Protection of Putnam's Landing.

And as chairman of that committee, I would like to nominate...

the most public-spirited citizen it has ever been my honor to know-

Mrs. Harry Bannerman.!

[Cheering]

No, you're swearing off, remember?

But they need me.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors...

fellow citizens...

I am humbly grateful for this great honor...

this chairmanship of the-

- What was that name? - Women's Safety Committee.

The Women's Safety Committee...

- for the Protection of Public's- - For the Protection of Putnam's Landing.

Putnam's Landing, yes. Thank you.

Now, of course, we're all aware that we have to act quickly.

So I move that we appoint a spokesman to go to Washington...

and tell whoever's in charge that they will have to move their top secret someplace else!

Who has the public relations experience...

the strength and the courage to put the Pentagon in its place...

and convince them that we mean to fight this-this-

whatever it is no matter what the consequences?

For this vital mission, I appoint...

none other than my husband, Harry Bannerman.!

- [Cheering] - [Man] I second it.!

Motion has been made and seconded to appoint Mr. Bannerman spokesman.

- All those in favor. - [All] Aye!

- Opposed? - Nay.

[Mr. Moderator] Motion is carried. Mr. Bannerman...

how soon can you be ready to go to Washington?

Oh, he can be ready to go on Monday. Can't you, Harry?

Mmm. Peter's bite plate.

I forgot about that. Then you can go next Tuesday.

No- No, next Tuesday is definitely out of the question.

- Why? - Well, I'll tell you why. My wife and I are-

Harry, please.

He'll be glad to go, Mr. Moderator.

Good. Well, that's it.

[Narrator] Grace immediately called a meeting...

of the Women's Safety Committee for the Protection of Putnam's Landing.

So poor Harry took Angela home.

And that's how Harry got his first drink, and his second, third and fourth.

On reaching his fifth, Angela decided to get into something more comfortable.

[Spraying]

What's on your mind, Harry?

[Snickers] I'd rather not say.

Well, give me a little hint.

That's a-That's a devastating outfit you have on, Angela.

I'm glad you like it.

[Spraying]

Grace, uh- Grace used to have a devastating outfit.

- Oh? - Yeah, when we were first married...

she had this, uh- she had this pink peignoir.

Mmm!

That's a transparent bathrobe, only pink.

- Mmm. She must have looked like a living doll. - Yes, she did.

And, uh, we were very happy then.

I guess most people are at first. Well, what happened?

Well, uh, she spilled cod liver oil on it.

- Mmm? - Yeah, one night right in the middle of everything...

she suddenly remembered that she hadn't given Peter his cod liver oil.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

I guess a pink peignoir loses its magic when it has cod liver oil all over it.

[Chuckles] Yeah, the cleaners tried, but it was never the same.

She finally gave it to the janitor's wife and never got another one.

I don't know what to say, Harry.

Well, of course, that... made me look kind of silly.

Why?

Well, you see, I had this black dressing gown that I-

I sort of slipped into it when Grace slipped in and out of her pink peignoir.

[Chuckles]

With the pink peignoir gone, why, suddenly...

the black dressing gown didn't mean very much.

She finally gave that to the janitor.

I mean, it must've worked because within a year, they had twins.

I had no idea, Harry.

You've led a very tragic life.

Oh, I'm not complaining. It's just that sometimes...

I get this...

kind of helpless-

We've both had quite a bit to drink.

[Whispering] Angela, I think I'd better go home now.

[Whispering] Why?

Grace told you to take me home and not wait up for her.

And the meeting may go on for hours and hours, so why hurry home?

Hmm. I don't know.

[Chuckles]

When you get right down to it, I don't know.

Well, ring-a-ding-ding.

- Well, ring-a-ding-ding. - [Giggling]

## [Rumba]

I think I could be very funny if I could just think of something to say.

Well, how about, "Shall we dance"?

How about that?

Shall we? May I take off my jacket?

Ch-Ch-Cha!

Choo, choo, choo.

One, two, three. One, two. One, two, three.

One, two. One, two, three. One, two. One, two, three.

One, two. One, two, three. One, two.

Cha-cha-cha. One, two. Cha-cha-cha.

One, two, three.

Ooh.

Cha.

[Chuckles]

- You live here alone? - No, I have a roommate.

Oh!

- But he's away in Hollywood tonight. - My roommate's away too.

- Isn't that a coincidence? - Yes, it is.

I wonder if coincidences have a meaning?

- Leads to exciting thinking, doesn't it? - Mm-hmm.

- Dangerous thinking if we weren't both so strong. - Yes.

I think I'd better have another drink...

so I can think clearer.

I've got just what you need.

Well, hot-choo-choo-choo.

[Bell Tolling]

- [Glass Shattering] - [Angela Laughing Hysterically]

Oh, you should've seen what happened!

I broke one of the lightbulbs with my head!

[Indistinct] Because I was laughing-

Harry? Harry?

## [Singing, Indistinct]

Harry! Harry, come down!

- ## [Singing Continues] - Harry.!

Stop it, Angela! Don't laugh like that!

- Harry- - [Laughing Hysterically]

Don't laugh at me! I'm losing my grip!

You're losing your grip!

[Both Laughing Hysterically]

Harry, you're the funniest man I've ever seen in my life!

Will you stop being so funny?

I'm not- I'm not trying to be funny!

Harry?

- Now, listen. Come on. - [Laughing Continues]

Now, stop. I wanna show you something.

Come on. Now, come on! Get up.

Don't tell me you got a man under your bed?

Oh, Harry, isn't that funny?

What am- Now, wait. What am I gonna see when I get there?

Just me.

[Laughter Continues]

Oh, God!

Angela Hoffa, I'd know that face anywhere!

Oh, no! Oh-

No, Angela, I gotta go home before I collapse.

And if I collapse, you'll have to send for the doctor.

And there'll be a scandal in Putnam's Landing!

- You know something? - What?

Oscar wouldn't like this.

Grace wouldn't like it either.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'll never have another night like this again until the day I die.

- Well, hot-cha-cha! - Cha-cha-cha!

[Narrator] While Harry takes his problem to Washington...

the Bannerman's babysitter has a problem ofher own.

Daddy-O, I wanna talk to you.

You do? How unusual. Is there something wrong?

Oh, I'm bugged, Daddy-O. Something weird has happened.

- All of a sudden, I like boys! - Oh?

No, no, Daddy-O. I don't just like 'em.

I mean, I go all ape when I even think about 'em.

- [Squeals] - I see.

Uh, when did you first observe this, uh, phenomenon?

This-This morning when Grady Metcalf got his motorcycle.

You see, yesterday was his birthday...

and his fossils promised him a motorcycle if he passed math.

By "fossils," I presume you mean parents?

- What else? - Excuse me. Am I also to understand...

that Grady Metcalf passed math?

- Weirdsville, ain't it? - It is indeed.

Well, he must've cheated.

Well, anyhow, Grady Metcalf...

who is one of the really serious meatballs of our generation...

took me out riding on his motorcycle this afternoon.

And do you know what? All of a sudden...

he didn't seem like such a serious meatball at all.

- Weirdsville. - You're getting sharp.

But that's not the worst of it. All of a sudden...

all the boys seemed good to me.

[Horn Honking]

- Oh! - That is, I take it, in the nature of a mating call?

- It's Grady! - [Honking Continues]

Stop!

Oh, I just hear that silly horn, and I go all ape!

Daddy-O, why do I feel this way?

Comfort, child, if the good Lord in his wisdom...

had not seen fit to take your mother...

perhaps she could answer you.

All I can say is that no matter how bewildering it all seems...

it is all quite natural, and soon, everything will be in order again.

Oh, crazy. But what do I do in the meantime?

In the meantime, you've got 300 years...

of Puritan blood in your veins.

- Listen to it. - Okay.

- Good night, Daddy-O. - Good night, Comfort.

[Grady] Tell me something, hey. What do you got against kissin'?

[Comfort] I don't know. I just don't like it.

Well, how do you know you don't like it, hey?

Uh-

Did you ever try?

- No. - [Clicks Tongue]

Oh, look. Don't be a cube!

L- I-I mean, there's nothin' to it.

You just- You just gotta remember to-

to close your eyes and breathe through your nose.

Close your eyes and breathe through your nose.

There, now, uh, was that so bad?

No.

Do you like it?

- Yeah. - Well, okay then!

Mmm! Mmm!

- [Gasps] - [Groans]

[Screams, Gasps]

Now, why'd you wanna go and do that for? L- I thought you liked kissin'.

Oh, I do!

L- I just figured it out. Kissing is wonderful.

It's you I can't stand.

[Narrator] Across the Potomac...

from Washington, D.C. Stands the Pentagon...

mighty nerve center of our nation's defense...

with 171/2 miles of corridors and 40 snack bars.

Do you realize that this is your first assignment...

since the army got rid of its mules?

[Both Chuckling]

- [Intercom Buzzes] - Yes?

[Woman] Mr. Bannerman is here to see you, sir.

Send him in.

Here are the special orders for your troop detachment.

You'll pick them up in Tennessee and have them in Putnam's Landing by the 27 th.

- Yes, sir. - [Door Opens]

- Oh. - How do you do, Mr. Bannerman?

I'm General Thorwald.

Oh, yes. How do you do, General? Pleased to meet you.

- My pleasure. This is Captain Hoxie. - How do you do, Captain?

I've asked him to be present because he'll be in command of the troops at Putnam's Landing.

Now then, Mr. Bannerman, why don't you tell us what's on your mind.

Oh, yes. Well, um, uh, the reason I'm here, General, is, uh...

I'm in the public relations business, and I have, uh-

Well, I'm alleged to have a certain persuasiveness-

a command of the English language as it were.

Well, uh, at any rate, uh...

you see, my wife sent me to-

I mean, the whole town sent me down to try to attempt...

to dissuade you people from putting your highly secret, uh...

whatever it is thing in Putnam's Landing.

The point is, General, that ours being a very simple residential community...

why, we- it's the town's feeling...

that this highly- this thing, whatever it is...

will drastically upset the social equilibrium...

and the real estate values and that sort of thing.

Yes, well, I hope you understand.

Oh, you needn't be embarrassed, Mr. Bannerman.

The army is somewhat accustomed to experiencing, uh, civilian opposition.

What's all this bunk about social equilibrium and real estate values?

Everybody agrees we gotta have an army, sure...

but not in our town, eh?

Oh, no, no, no. Just put 'em in somebody else's town.

- Wait, Captain. That isn't what- - Mr. Bannerman, the point is-

The point is that Putnam's Landing is full of yellow-livered...

money-grubbing, potbellied feather merchants.

If I had my way, I'd line 'em all against the wall and shoot the whole creepy mess of'em...

beginning with you, you buck-passing civilian.

Now, wait a minute, Captain. I did my part in the last war...

and I'm still in the naval reserve.

Ah! Ah. A summer vacation sailor, huh?

Serving this nation on a full-time basis...

ain't good enough for high-class guys like you.

- That's strictly for slobs like me and the general here, huh? - Captain Hoxie!

Yeah.

All right, mister. Okay.

We'll save your bacon for you. We always have, we always will.

But just keep out of our way.

And don't try to stop us from performing our duty.

Captain Hoxie, that will be all. Wait outside till I send for you.

- Yes, sir. - Mr. Bannerman-

I'll see you in Putnam's Landing, feather merchant.

Mr. Bannerman, permit me to apologize.

- [Door Slams Shut] - Captain Hoxie is a fathead. I mean, he's a hothead.

But he's a good soldier.

Please, General, uh, don't apologize to me.

I, uh- I mean, I said what I had to say...

but my heart wasn't in it.

I apologize for me, and...

well, I apologize for Putnam's Landing, and-

Well, mostly I apologize for my wife...

who got me into this preposterous position to begin with.

Now, I don't know what you're gonna do in Putnam's Landing...

and I of course know that the army is under no obligation to tell me.

But whatever I can do up there, General, for you public relations-wise...

why, you just let me know.

[Chuckles] And, uh, with that hot fathead-

Uh, to use your own words, that hot fathead in charge...

you're gonna need plenty of help.

Thank you, Mr. Bannerman.

Thank you very much. Send Captain Hoxie in.

Yes, well, thank you, General. And, remember, if I can be of any help-

- I'll call on you. - Thank you.

- [Thump] - [Loud Yell]

[Chuckles] Well, good-day.

- 412, please. - We've moved you into a suite, Mr. Bannerman.

- 608. - What do you mean, you moved me?

- Mrs. Bannerman insisted on it. - Mrs. Bannerman?

That's right. She checked in about a half hour ago.

You mean Mrs. Bannerman is here in Washington?

She's upstairs waiting for you right now.

No kidding? How about that Grace?

How about that girl?

Hello? Give me room service, please.

## [Humming]

Hello? Uh, this is Mr. Bannerman speaking.

Would you please send a tray of caviar and a bottle of champagne...

to, uh- to, uh, suite 608?

Yes. Well, just make it, uh...

lots and lots of caviar, service for two, and immediately.

Well, I don't care, just as long as it's French and it's large. Make it a magnum.

[Gasps]

Hello, Harry.

- Where's Grace? - In Putnam's Landing, I imagine...

doing something noble and civic-minded.

Harry, I'm not going to bite you.

[Chuckling]

Hadn't you better come in before a crowd gathers?

He said, uh, at the desk that Mrs. Bannerman had checked in.

Well, I suppose I could've registered as Mrs. Hoffa.

But I was afraid eyebrows might've been raised.

You know how provincial they are in Washington.

What are you doing here anyway?

- Lobbying. - Oh.

[Laughing]

I'm sorry, but you look so funny.

I really can't tell whether you're coming or going.

But anyway, here we are...

Mr. And Mrs. Harry Bannerman.

- Oh. - Mmm, I like the way that sounds.

Yeah, and so does Grace.

- Darling, you seem absolutely miserable. - I am.

Look, Angela, we just- I mean, this is- this is improper.

Why? We're both married.

[Giggling]

Aha. I know what the trouble is.

Remember Pink Boudoir?

I wore only one drop the other day, and you became quite excited.

Two drops, they say, is guaranteed to reduce any man...

to a quivering, whimpering mass of jelly.

Angela, please. In that case, I wouldn't go fooling around with it...

'cause I'm a quivering, whimpering mass of jelly right now.

Oh, but it all seemed to go together so nicely.

Pink perfume, pink peignoir...

pink me.

[Giggles] Oh!

Darling, it seems to be stuck. Here, you try it.

Angela, I wouldn't touch that for a million dollars.

Well, darling, we have to get it open. I have this enormous investment.

- Angela, please. - Oh, well. All right. I'll call the bell captain.

Oh, no! No, no, I'll do it. [Grunting]

You're so strong. I love a man with powerful hands.

[Banging]

[Grunting]

Oh! Darling, are you all right?

[Sniffs] Ooh!

Smell the coat. Just smell it.

- I'll have to burn it or something. - Mmm!

That's the only suit I brought- I'll never be able to go home like this.

It smells delicious. There's no question about that.

Oh, I only wish you'd managed to get a little of it on me.

Well, maybe if we sort of hang it outside and let the air get to it or something.

You won't be needing it for a while anyway.

Mmm! I don't know how you can resist you.

- I know I can't. - Oh, Angela, please.

[Laughing]

What-

I won't be able to go home for a week.

Well, that's all right with me, Harry.

Oh, that's very clever.

Oh! Sorry.

There you are, Black Beauty.

You know, if I'd known you were gonna spend so much time behind that chair...

I'd have ordered a smaller suite.

[Chuckles] Angela, you just fracture me.

Well! It certainly is cozy, isn't it?

Say, listen, I, uh- I don't suppose...

you'd be, uh, willing to slip into something a little less cozy?

Oh. Well, don't you like my pretty, pink peignoir?

I bought it especially for you.

No, it's not that. It's just that-

[Exhales] Grace used to have a pink kind of-

Darling, I understand perfectly.

I'm sure that it will be a lot better like this.

- That's worse. - [Sighs]

Well, Harry, what else do you suggest?

Oh, no. Angela, take this and go.

Okay. Fine! I'm going!

And don't come back till you're dressed for the street!

All right, all right. Calm down. I'm going.

I'm going.

Don't worry, Harry. I'll think of something.

Operator, get me the valet service.

Valet service, this is 608. How long would it take you...

to have a suit cleaned and pressed?

Wait a minute! Can you fumigate it?

Oh. Uh, yes, put it on special, super special.

And beside that, hurry.

Operator, uh, this is, uh- Would you please, uh, call room service...

and have them cancel that order for champagne and caviar to room-

- [Doorbell Buzzing] - Never mind. It's here.

[Giggles]

Well, surprise!

Darling, you've won. I said to myself when you left this morning...

"Now, this is the day I promised Harry we would start our second honeymoon.

"And there he is all by himself.

Now, this is cruelty, not only to him but to me. "

So here I am feeling all lovable and cuddly inside...

and ready to make up for everything.

I'm gonna go down and get a haircut.

Honey, like that?

Besides, to use your own words, I don't think I can restrain myself.

Why, Harry Bannerman!

A suite, no less.

Oh, you knew I was coming.

Yes, you did too.

Well, honey, don't stare at me like that. I'm not a ghost.

I'm for real, and I'm here to prove it too.

Oh.! Uh- Uh-

You see? I travel light.

- [Chuckles] - [Sighs]

And since you look so comfortable, I may as well go and get cozy myself.

Oh, uh, Grace, honey, I just wanna tell you one thing.

I love you. I've always loved you and I always will love you.

But- But right now, Grace, I love you the absolute most.

I don't think a husband in the world could- could love you as much as I do.

- Now, would you believe that? - Oh, darling, of course I believe you.

- And may I say something? - What?

I'm convinced. Now, as Cleopatra once said:

"Who takes the shower first, Mark?"

Oh, flowers! Darling, you think of everything.

Harry, I've got some clothes on now.!

## [Humming Middle Eastern Theme]

## [Humming Continues]

Oh, Grace. Grace. You said you'd believe me.

I had nothing to do with it. It was a complete surprise.

Your caviar and champagne, sir.

You were right, Harry. It was a complete surprise!

- And then the fairy godmother touched the pumpkin- - [Sneezes]

God bless you- with her magic wand...

and it turned into a coach.

- Mommy, it isn't a coach. It's a T-Bird. - [Blowing]

- Yeah, T-Bird. - Yeah, you're a cube, Mommy.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

No, it's all right. You're absolutely right. Mommy is a cube.

Well, run along upstairs and get ready for bed.

I'll be up to tuck you in later.

- Good night. - Good night.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

[Sighs]

- Grace, before you slam the door- - Hello, Harry.

Come in. I'm very glad you came.

You are? Oh, Grace, that-that's big of you.

Yes, this way you can take your bags with you. I won't have to send them.

Grace, now-now wait a minute.

There's a very, very simple logical explanation to all of this.

- I'm sure. - It's not what you think. I tried to get away from her.

- But you couldn't. - No, I couldn't.

- Angela had a gun? - No, it wasn't that either.

- She had an ether cone? - Honey, I didn't have any pant-

I mean, uh, I wasn't dressed-

Grace, please. Now, you're making this very difficult.

What did you expect? A gold watch?

Harry, I have thought this all over, and it is very clear to me now.

I just don't want to be married to you anymore.

Grace, now that's ridiculous.

- What are you saying? I love you. - I can't believe that, Harry.

And if I can't believe that, then I just can't be your wife anymore.

- You see how-how simple that is? - Hi, Daddy.

- Hiya, Danny. - Say good-bye to Daddy, boys.

He's going away on business.

- For how long this time? - Oh, for quite a while.

How long is "Oh, quite a while"?

Why, uh, I think you'll have to ask your mother.

Come on. Say good night to Daddy and run along upstairs to bed.

Good-bye, kids. I'll miss you.

- Come on. - Hey. Come on now.

- Do what your mommy says. - Good night.

Harry, up until now I've managed to hold myself together...

but one more minute of this, I-

Harry.

[Sniffing]

Oh!

- Out. Out. Out. - What did I do? Oh!

- Out. Out. Out. Out. - What did I do, Grace?

Harry Bannerman, you stink!

[Crying]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Gotta have some form of recreation.

[Horn Blaring]

[Narrator] And here is a troop train heading eastward from Tennessee.

Just a small cog in the big wheel that is destined to churn Putnam's Landing into chaos.

Men. As you were.

In exactly 10 minutes we reach our rendezvous point for the motor convoy.

We'll proceed directly to our base, bypassing Putnam's Landing.

Now, you've all been fully briefed. You know exactly nothing.

That's the way it's gonna be.

Not gonna be any guessing games about this top secret project you've been assigned to.

All your mail will be censored. All taverns are off-limits to enlisted men.

I'll tell you about further restrictions...

uh, as they occur to me.

Carry on.

This is the first time I've ever been top secret.

What's more important is what are we gonna do for boojum...

in a jerkwater town like Putnam's Landing?

Brother, we're dead. Stone-cold dead.

I mean, small-town boojum's tough enough. But boojum in a small New England town?

Gentlemen, it's hopeless. I don't know.

Friends, let me tell you about hick towns.

I've been in New York, New Orleans, St. Louis, Chicago and Hollywood...

and I tell you the mortal truth.

You'll find more boojum per square inch in hick towns...

than you will find in any big city on this here green earth.

Now, but just remember one thing-

that when we get there, when we start lookin' over that boo...

they're gonna be lookin' us over too.

And most important thing of all is look sharp.

That's half the secret.

And I'll tell you the other half: Act miserable.

I don't get it. Look sharp and act miserable?

Son, there ain't nothin' attracts boo more than a miserable man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how do we convince them we're miserable?

Now, that's the easiest thing in the world.

Tell the boo how lonesome you are for the boo you left back home.

- Tell the new boo about the old boo? - Well, sure.

Yeah. But what if you ain't got an old boo back home?

Well, then lie.

Oh, but lie from here. Lie from the heart.

- Man, you are really an inspiration to us all. - [Laughing]

Looks like a crowd's gathered at the bridge. I wonder why.

They're probably feather merchants.

I'm sure it's not a welcoming committee.

Close up! Close up!

All right. All right, let's clear this road.

Clear this road, everybody. I said clear this road.

- Never. - Nev-

What's goin' on here?

We have asked you to move your top secret elsewhere.

You have refused.

Now we refuse to accept your refusal.

Lady, I got my orders, and I am crossing that bridge.

So get these women and kids out of my way. Now clear out, everybody!

- Never. - What?

Never!

Oh.

I'll- I'll run 'em down.

- Boo! Boo! - [Protesters Booing]

[Booing Continues]

Captain Hoxie, why don't we just take another road?

There must be another way to get to the base.

My orders read, "Proceed north on Route 27 to the base. "

This is Route 27, and this is the way we're gonna proceed.

Keep up the fight, girls!

Let's keep up with the spirit. We're bound to win. Come on. Close in the ranks.

We'll wait 'em out. They gotta take those kids home sooner or later.

That's it, driver. We'll wait 'em out.

[Man] That's mighty pretty-lookin' boojum over there.

Don't see any reason for us to stand here.

I, uh, suggest that we advance and reconnoiter.

- Yeah, there you go. - Yeah.

Howdy, ladies. Uh, my men would like to tell you how delighted we are to be here.

We regret this, uh, temporary minor unpleasantness, and we trust it'll quickly pass.

Ooh, a Southern accent. I just go all ape when I hear a Southern accent.

- I'm gratified. - [Laughs]

Listen, if you army cats think you can just come waltzin' in here and take over our boojum...

you got another thing comin'.

- I gotta talk to you. - Oh, flake off.

No, no. Hey, I gotta see you right now.

- Go away, little man. Shoo! - Come on. Come on. Hey, cut the comedy.

Hey, friend?

[Giggling]

I don't believe the young lady wishes to accompany you.

What's it to you, army?

Why don't you be a good fella and, uh, just-

- Flake off. - Flake off.

[Laughing]

- Yeah? - Yeah.

[Laughing Continues]

Now why don't you take off before I gotta make little bumps all over your head?

Well, it's almost lunchtime. They gotta take those kids home and feed 'em.

Gangway, ladies!

Come and get it!

There you are.

Okay, lady, if that's what you want, you got it.

We'll wait. We got all day.

These mothers are imbued with the spirit that has made America great.

All right, fellas, bring it in.

- Hey! - That'll do it.

- Hey, what do you think you're doing? - Mobile news unit.

- We're covering the crisis for television. - Nah, nah. No pictures.

Get this junk out of here. We're a top secret project, you crumb.

Captain, watch your language. You're on now.

Now, listen. You get-What?

[Chuckles]

[Intercom Buzzes]

- Yes? - [Woman] Mr. Bannerman to see you, sir.

Send him in.

Oh, hello, sir. I, uh- I flew down here the minute my office located me.

I understand there's something urgent you want me to do.

- Yes, you can adjust that left-hand knob. - What?

- The left one- the vertical hold. - General, I'm not a repairman-

If you please? Fix it.

[Reporter] I wonder if you'd be kind enough to explain your position to our viewers at home.

Gladly.

- Fellow citizens of America- - Situation normal for Captain Hoxie.

Here in Putnam's Landing we have built a beautiful, peaceful little community.

The, uh, women and children are offering stubborn resistance to him.

...to establish something so horrible...

that they're even afraid to tell us what it is.

We are protesting with the only means available to us:

- Orderly, legal picketing. - Legal, my eye.

Oh, uh, I might add this is Captain Hoxie's first appearance on television.

...watch the feathers fly.

Here is their lovable, gentle leader.

Notice the intelligent face.

It gives one the impression that he uses his head only to keep his ears apart.

[Laughs] Hey, that's very funny what she just said.

[Laughs] Yeah. That witch is the big troublemaker!

I'd like to put a bomb under her.

- I beg your pardon? - I said I'd like to put a bomb under her.

She should be home pushing a broom.

Better still, the witch should be riding it.

- She's my wife. - Well, she-

She, uh- She photographs nicely, doesn't she?

Tell SergeantJackson to load up and get ready to roll. We're movin' out.

I'm warning you for the last time. I'm coming through!

That fathead!

- Sure you can run it, sir? - How do you think I got these bars?

Okay, take it away.

[Protestors Shouting]

Oh, no. I can't look at this.

[Shouting Continues]

Where is he now?

He's in about four feet of water, sir. Maybe five.

I knew it. I knew it!

Mr. Bannerman, you once offered to do a public relations job for us...

in Putnam's Landing if we had trouble with the civilians.

Yes, sir. And it looks like you're having it.

Yes, it's quite a mess. And because of this...

I have requested the navy department to activate your status...

as a reserve officer in the navy and assign you to me.

Lieutenant Commander Bannerman, you are in the army now.

Yes, sir.

[Sneezes, Blows]

There's a naval officer to see you, sir.

A naval off- Well, that's all I need.

All right, send him in. Send him in.

Now- Oh, no.

- What are you doing here? - I, uh- I believe I outrank you, Hoxie.

But, uh, we'll dispense with the customary formality.

I'm here partially because of my affection for the naval reserve...

but mostly because you, to put it mildly, lack tact.

Well, I had a little accident.

Oh, it was quite spectacular. The general and I saw it on television.

- The general? - Mm-hmm.

Here are my orders putting me in full charge of public relations for this base...

reporting directly to General Thorwald.

You mean after 17 years in the army he expects me to work with a civilian navy officer?

- Not with, Hoxie- For. - Huh?

That is, in matters of public relations, you will take orders from me.

You are forbidden to use your brain.

It's fully explained in there. Fourteen copies.

- Well, he can't do this to me. - Mm-hmm. That's what I said, and here I am.

He- He- [Sneezes]

- Is your head clear now? - [Stammers] Uh-huh.

All right. Hoxie, the most important thing that we have to do is to prove to this town...

that this top secret project is-is absolutely harmless.

It, uh- It is safe, isn't it?

Top secret.

And the most important person that we have to convince is my wife.

You can stop right there. I dislike your wife.

Oh, well, then the feeling is mutual.

In fact, I might say I dislike your wife almost as much as I dislike you.

- Also mutual. - She made me look like a fool.

Well, don't blame my wife for your looks.

- Now, listen, Lieutenant! - Commander.!

How are you two men getting along?

Uh, army and navy.

- Hand in hand. - [Chuckles]

He- He- He- He- [Sneezes]

[Doorbell Buzzes]

- Who is it? - [Buzzing Continues]

Hello.

I'm still not speaking to you, but why are you in uniform?

Oh, well, I vaguely remember that somebody nominated me to go to Washington...

and that's where all my troubles started.

Now I find myself back in the service helping the army create goodwill...

- in a little town that I wished we'd never moved into! - Shh!

It's Saturday. I just put the children up for their naps.

Children, Daddy's home!

- Hi, Daddy! - Hi, Daddy!

- Are you a soldier? - Yeah.

Uh, let's go and play in your room, huh? Huh?

- Fine. - Forward! March!

- [Sighs] - [Door Closes]

Because of the peaceful influence of these God-fearing people...

the Pilgrims soon won over the Indians and the pipe of peace was smoked.

- [Blows Raspberry] - You wanna hear it again, boys?

- Yeah. - Ah, ah, ah. The party's over.

Come on, boys. It's bedtime. Get into your pajamas.

- Come on, boys. Mind your mother now. - That's right.

- Down. Down. Down, Rover. - Five minutes I wanna see you in those pajamas, all right?

- And I wanna have a few words with you. - Oh.

Don't forget to brush your teeth.

As for you, Harry Bannerman, I am not at all surprised...

that at a time of crisis in Putnam's Landing, you have joined the enemy.

Well, go. Good-bye.

[Chuckles]

- Good night, Mama. - Good night. [Kisses]

Good night, dear.

Well, you said everybody in pajamas.

And I brushed my teeth too. See?

- [Knocking] - [Grace] Go away.!

I can't. The boys made me promise I'd stay.

You coward, hiding behind children.

I hope you spend a miserable night in the guest room.

I have been miserable in the guest room. Grace, I, uh-

I've been thinking about a lot of things, among other things...

but one thing I've been thinking about most in particular.

And I think now, darling, is the time to discuss that important thing.

- Get up and get out. - L-

All right, let's discuss the other things.

- Grace, you don't realize what a spot I'm in. - Yes, I do. With me you're dead.

Yes, I know that. But I'm talking about General Thorwald.

Look, I flew in with General Thorwald this afternoon, and he made quite a point...

about telling me how important myjob is.

- Better luck away from home. - Thank you.

- Honey, look, if I goof on this job- - Ah, ah.!

If I goof on this job, General Thorwald says he has another job waiting for me...

in Alaska.

Well, suppose I get shipped up to Alaska?

Wear heavier underwear.

[Laughing]

Well, just laugh this off.

If I do get shipped to Alaska, that means I have to give up my business.

And, uh, well, on my navy pay, I-

I can't possibly keep up the payments on the house.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

And, uh, let's see.

Oh, yes, they'll probably repossess the car...

and, uh, Peter will have to be removed from preschool.

Uh, there will be enough for the bare essentials, I suppose.

I mean, plain, wholesome food.

While you're at it, why don't you suggest we put the children up for adoption?

Okay. All right, maybe I was laying it on a little thick...

but let me tell you something, Mrs. Bannerman.

This is serious. And you can help.

Maybe we can turn one of your many vices into a virtue.

Just what do you mean by that?

Your pageant, honey. Maybe the darn thing'll bail me out.

The way I see it, if you can use some of the soldiers in it, along with the local talent...

it's sort of a gesture of goodwill.

Of course, it's only a little acorn, but, uh-

Why don't you and your acorn grow up?

All you have to do is prove to the people of Putnam's Landing...

that whatever that is out there is safe.

- Now can you do it? - How can I, honey? I don't know what it is.

You're not only unfaithful. You're stupid. [Scoffs]

- [Doorbell Buzzing] - I wonder who that is.

It's probably Angela Hoffa crocked and wondering if you can come out to play.

- Who is it? - [Man] Military courier from Washington, D. C...

with a special message for Mrs. Grace Bannerman.

Uh, just a minute.

Did you hear that?

Harry, can they do anything to me?

Well, I don't know, honey. You have been fighting the army.

- If they tell me to go to Washington, do I have to go? - Of course.

That'd be funny if you had to appear in front of a committee you didn't form.

Mmm.

- Mrs. Grace Bannerman? - Yes?

- Of Putnam's Landing? - Yes, yes.

It's for me, all right.

It's from the secretary of the army.

Oh, he's very important, honey. He's close to the top.

But he's appealing to me. He calls me "the leading force in the opposition. "

He calls upon me to help give the installation a chance to establish itself...

peaceably in the community.

"In so doing, Mrs. Bannerman, you not only will be ending a major internal crisis...

"but will establish yourself as one of the truly great and unselfish patriots...

in our nation's proud history. "

Isn't that a slight overstatement?

Well, Grace, now, uh, we don't know how vital this thing out there is to the army.

But what can I do about it? I'm on the other side.

We can solve a lot of our problems if we'll just put our heads together.

- Just our heads. - Like we used to. Up in the bedroom?

No, like we're going to right down here.

You heard me. Same thing goes for all of you.

Let's finish our drinks and get out of here, huh?

Aw, please, Captain. What are you trying to do, empty my joint?

You shouldn't have called them all feather merchants.

Huh? That goes for you too.

Hey, where were you during the last "unpleasantness"?

I keep telling you, I was all over Korea.

Well, don't change the subject. Look at you now.

Yeah? Well, how come you got no higher than a captain?

L-

Well, I've been reclassified three times.

- Yeah? Well, once more oughta do it. - Mm-hmm.

You stay out of my icebox.

I wanted a- Never mind. I'll just drink.

No whiskey, huh?

As long as you're not around, we don't need any alcohol.

Of course, if I'd known you were coming, I could've gotten champagne and caviar.

[Ringing]

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

It was Angela.

- How could it be Angela if nobody answered? - I see it all now.

You probably told her if a woman answers, hang up.

I wouldn't have your mind for anything. Now just stop thinking about Angela-

How can I? The very idea.

A married man, father of two lovely boys, not satisfied.

- Not satis- Grace, I didn't do it. - And premeditated too.

How long have you two been planning this orgy?

Orgy? Grace, I'm absolutely innocent!

- The minute I saw Angela, you know what I did? - You took your clothes off!

It all comes back to me! [Sobbing]

I forgot. We're finished.

Now, and just what did you have in mind about my damn pageant?

- I can't concentrate. - Well, come on. I'm listening.

No, it was only a half-baked idea.

Well, that's all right. Tell me anyway.

Well, when I was reading to the kids it occurred to me...

that maybe the- the army could play sort of, uh, brave, pioneering Pilgrims...

that landed in a swarm of savage, hostile Indian-

- Forget it. - It is a half-baked idea.

- Nothing would appeal to you in your frame of mind. - Is that all there is?

- No, I had some other- - You're gonna leave it hanging there?

It could all end with a-with all of these people smoking a peace pipe.

Well, it's better than last summer's George Washington...

freezing to death at Valley Forge.

Perspiring? Huh.

- Good night. - Well, you've done it.

Ah. [Laughs]

Uh, I beg your pardon, but is there any reason why you shouldn't talk to me?

- [Door Closes] - [Engine Starts]

No.

As a matter of fact, you could do me a very large favor.

Well, things are picking up here in Putnam's Landing.

Will you call this number?

Mm-hmm. Oh, now, please.

And whom shall I ask for?

- Harry Bannerman. - Mm-hmm.

Uh- Oh, no.

[Laughing]

I think I'll just have another drink here. L-

Harry- Innkeeper!

May I, uh, use a little of your hot water?

- You kill me. - Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Well, without any help from you, I think we're doing very nicely.

We, uh- It's taking very definite shape, and, uh, in fact, it could be brilliant.

All we need is just one ingredient to sort of hold this spectacle together.

Yes, I think I've got it.

Um, towering above this-this majestic spectacle...

will be one dramatic voice: The narrator.

Of course, I really don't know who's available for the part.

We'd have to get a vibrant personality with a fine voice, beautiful.

Uh, a captivating figure, simply clad.

Angela Hoffa in a bedspread.

Yeah.

Actually, Captain Hoxie, I think you've misjudged Harry Bannerman.

- [Laughs] - He has a very understanding and kind...

- and sympathetic heart. - [Laughs] Yeah.

Look, if you'd just call him and tell him the truth.

Tell him that you accidently drove your jeep into the statue of Samuel Putnam...

that you're here in the bar, loaded...

that you want him to come over and drive you back to the base.

- I wouldn't ask a civilian in uniform for anything. - [Sighs]

Well, then will you just call this number and ask for Harry Bannerman?

- And I'll take it from there. - Mmm.

For me?

All right. F-For you.

You got a dime?

Thank you very much.

What a beautiful day it'll be. First your magnificent pageant...

and-and- and, uh, with you having the only speaking role.

And then the fun and the fraternization later.

Very beautiful, except who's going to persuade the citizens...

to participate with the soldiers?

That's your job, honey. After all, you're their leader.

I am not their leader if I'm speaking for the army.

Well, what about the secretary of the army? Are you gonna let him down?

[Phone Rings]

Why don't you answer it this time? Maybe she'll talk to you.

Oh. Hello.

Uh, Bannerman? This is Hoxie.

Now this wasn't my idea, because I wouldn't talk to you-

- Uh, yes, Captain Hoxie. - Oh, come off it.

Excuse me. Well, it is Captain Hoxie.

- Would you like to speak to him? - Yeah.

- Listen to me- - Captain Hoxie. Get yourself a drink, Captain.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Uh, just a minute. What was that, Captain Hoxie?

Uh, no, darling. This is Angela.

Look, I'm here at Ye Olde Putnam House with your little friend Captain Hoxie.

And he-he's really- He's full of flit, and he's stoned out of his skull.

Uh, yes, Hoxie.

He's ready to turn everything else upside down around here...

so you'd better come right over and get him right away.

- Well, look, dear, I can't get over there- - What?

Uh, just a minute.

You got me so confused. See, I thought I was talking to you.

- Let me talk to him. - Honey, you don't want to talk to him.

Wait a minute. You don't want to talk to him. He's drunk.

He's at Ye Olde Putnam House. He's wrecked his jeep.

He's about to wreck my whole public relations job. You don't want to talk to him.

- Yes, I do. - Oh, you do?

Yes.

Well, uh- Uh, listen here, Hoxie. Mrs. Bannerman wants to talk to you.

Oh. Oh. Yes. Captain Hoxie!

And-And watch your language, will you?

And-And pull yourself together, Captain Hoxie.

Yes, I will. Mrs. Bannerman. Mrs. -

- [Stammering] - Mrs. - Mrs. Bannerman wants to talk.

- Uh, hello, Mrs. Bannerman. - Oh, it is you, Captain Hoxie.

Well, who did you think it was?

I welcome this opportunity to say a few words to you, you-

Captain Hoxie, I think you're a disgrace to the army.

Drunk and wrecking public property? You ought to be ashamed.

I want to talk to Mr. Bannerman.

- Mrs.? - Mister.

- Mister? - Mister.

Oh! Oh.

On second thought, I- I'd rather speak to your husband.

He says he wants to talk to you so he can swear probably.

- Well, I'll take care of him. - Just a minute.

Here-Here's Mr. Bannerman.

[Gagging]

L- I-I beg- I- I- I beg, uh-

- I beg your-your pardon. - You need a drink, Captain Hoxie.

- To the bar. Bar. - I think you're exactly right.

Now, listen here, Hoxie-

No, no, no, darling. You listen to me.

You can't avoid me. I'm inevitable.

Now, I understand that you are being tossed out of your happy little home.

And Oscar called from Hollywood, and he's very suspicious.

So why don't you help me make his suspicions come true?

Well, uh- Such language. It's just shocking.

Listen, Hoxie, I will not drive you home.

Can you imagine? You and me in Reno together for six weeks...

with nothing to do but roll dice?

No. No. My wife considers your call an intrusion...

and she insists that I do not go out tonight.

- Now you're hiding behind me. You're welcome to go. - Shh. No.

And stay. And hurry.

- He'll be right over. - Wonderful-

What? Who is this?

[In Nasal Voice] One, two, three, four.

This is the operator.

Is your line in order?

Angela Hoffa is a worse actress than I am.

Now she's playing an operator with adenoids.

The number you have been dialing is a wrong number.

Operator, tell your party I'll be right down.

It did sound like Angela, didn't it?

Well, all right, it was Angela...

but-but it was also Hoxie, and he's drunk and he's on a rampage and-

Well, I couldn't get in any deeper than I am now...

so I'm going.

[Angela] Hi, Harry.

- See what I mean? - Come on, Hoxie. Come on.

- Hmm? Huh? [Mutters] - Come on, Hoxie. Come on.

- Sh-Shut up, sir. - Come on.

- Harry, what's your hurry? Have a little drinkie. - No.

- He'll have one. Three brandies, please. - No!

Angela, please give me a hand. Help me get him to the car.

I've gotta get him back to the base. Come on, Hoxie.

- Only if I can go along. - [Muttering]

- All right. All right. All right. - All right. All right. All right.

- What? What? - Come on, Hoxie.

Wait a minute. Who's gonna pay his tab?

Here. Don't bother about the change. We'll be back.

Angela, please. Come on.

[Laughs] We'll-We'll be back.

Uh-oh. In here.

Bannerman, are-

Oh, General. Oh, boy.

I've been working on a little public relations.

- Are you doing a bit of relaxing? - Do I look relaxed?

I've asked everybody on the base but you. Have you seen Hoxie?

Hoxie? Oscar Hoffa?

Hello, Bannerman. Have you been fooling around with my wife?

Whoa. Uh- Now, why would you say something like that?

Just got in from Hollywood. A bad report on my wife.

- Some chiseler right here in Putnam's Landing. - Is that so?

- Mm-hmm. - [Objects Clattering]

[Angela] Ouch.!

There's only one woman in the world who says ouch like that.

So I caught you. Army, huh?

- [Punches Landing] - [Stammering]

- I'm sorry. - Oscar, I never knew you cared.

Mm-hmm.

[Engine Starts]

[Vehicle Departs]

First and foremost, I want to thank Mr. Isaac Goodpasture...

for that splendid article describing my pageant.

And, of course, I'm intensely grateful to General Thorwald.

Through his efforts, our pageant will be even greater than ever this year.

Now, of course, you understand, this does not mean...

that I am dropping my opposition to the establishment of a top secret base in our community.

Oh, no. It simply means...

that I am willing to give the army a chance to prove that I am wrong.

I regret to report that we have already received...

a great deal of unfavorable publicity.

News of our resistance has caused grave concern in Washington, D.C.

As a matter of fact, I have right here...

a letter that I received from the secretary of the army.

- How did he get into this? - L- I'll find out.

I repeat, none other than the secretary of the army...

asking us to demonstrate our patriotism...

by giving the army a chance.

- [Applauding] - A letter from the secretary himself.

How did you ever swing that?

- Well, at the time it seemed- - All right, Mr. Secretary.

- We hear your- - What is the rap for forgery?

- We give your army a chance. - Well-

- [Applauding] - It's that bad?

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Excuse me.

Good evening, Mr. Bannerman.

Why, Mr. Hoffa, we haven't seen much of you lately.

- Yes, I realize. - However, we've seen a great deal of Angela.

Yes. Angela's given me a sense of guilt.

I've been absent so much I've missed out on being a part of the local activities.

Oh, yes, you have "missed out" on a great deal.

Angela, however, has been very active.

Now here is my blank check to cover the cost of the costumes.

Make it out for whatever you want, Mrs. Bannerman.

[Laughs] How generous.

What part do you have in mind for me, Gracie?

Oh, I'll give it a lot of thought, doll.

I'll try to come up with something that'll bring out the... real you.

[Laughing]

- Oh, I see you have company. We won't keep you anymore. - Aw.

Good night, Harry. Good night, Gracie.

Good night.

- [Forced Chuckle] - [Chuckles]

"Good night, Harry. "

� [Guitar Strumming]

You know, I think it's about time we-

- What's the hardware? - This?

Oh, this is Opie's sharpshooting medal.

- He pinned me last night. Didn't you? - That's right.

And he is just about to sing a song that he wrote especially for me.

That's right too.

Now, look, why don't you and I step outside-

Why don't you just run along and write a song?

Well, come on. Give.

Glad to, ma'am.

When a man's in love, he wants to sing it to the whole world.

# I was so-oh forlorn and so blue #

# Missin' the kissin' I knew #

#Then I saw you and, wow #

# I ain't lonely now seein' as how #

- #You're my boojum # - [Laughs] Aw.

# I was, oh-oh, so low I could crawl #

# Now I'm 11 feet tall #

- [Laughs] - # Swear that I'll kiss a sow #

# If I'm lonely now seein' as how #

#You're my boojum #

� Now I'll swing from a star and play my guitar�

#You made me forget my old flame #

- Hey. - #Your cute little face #

# Has taken her place #

# I've even forgotten her name #

- [Squealing] - # Oh, you've brought a new love to me #

# Baby, how happy we'll be #

# Holy smoke Holy cow #

# I ain't lonely now #

- # Seein' as how # - [Squeals]

#You're my boojum #

- # My boo-boo-boo-boo-boo- boo-boo-boo-boojum ## - Ah! [Laughing]

- Do you know who's gonna be the Pilgrims? - The army.

Yeah. So-So you know who's gonna volunteer to join the Indians?

Us. And-And then when the rumble's over...

we've wiped out the army.

Now-Now, the way that I see it-

[Narrator] Well, this is it. The day of days at Putnam's Landing...

where Pilgrims meet Indians, and civilians meet army.

And doves of peace whisper gently...

that all must learn to live happily side by side.

Friends and neighbors, there's a well-known saying...

that coming events cast their shadows.

Now today I hope-

[Audience Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

Well, so much for that. [Clears Throat]

"I will now take you back many, many years...

"to the time when our eastern seacoast was occupied by hostile Indians.

- ## [Drumbeat] - "On this day in the early 1600s...

- "the Indians are celebrating a happy event- - [Whooping]

"The betrothal ofbeautiful Princess Pocahontas...

"the daughter of Chief Powhatan...

to the handsome young brave, White Wing. "

[Whooping Continues]

"In true Indian fashion, the young lovers learn of the sweet mysteries of marriage...

"from the most experienced member of the tribe...

Princess Flaming Tepee. "

[Whooping]

"Legend has it that Princess Flaming Tepee has broken up many a wigwam.

The Indians were unaware they were gazing at the good ship Mayflower. "

- Boat! - [Whooping]

"Suddenly, the princess's dance was cut short. "

## [Ends]

I repeat, "Suddenly, the princess's dance was cut short. "

Mrs. Hoffa. Mrs. Hoffa!

The boat is here.

Thorwald to Bannerman, you're on. Get the lead out of your Pilgrims.

Bannerman to Thorwald. Wilco and out, sir.

Captain Hoxie, you will proceed to shore.

All right, snap to it, you guys. Let's get this clambake over with.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a glorious moment in history...

"the landing of the Pilgrims on Plymouth Rock.

"First to set foot on the rock was GovernorJohn Carver...

"who was to rule the little colony wisely and well.

Let us all watch in reverent silence. "

Is the Plymouth Rock greased?

- What else, man? - [Shouts]

[Laughing]

Boat! Boat! Boat!

[Whooping]

"Learning that the military leader of the Pilgrims is Captain John Smith...

"the Indians prepare to burn him at the stake.

"Uh, but at the last minute Pocahontas intercedes...

"to plead for the life of Captain John Smith and for the others.

"Uh, for those of you who do not understand Indian sign language...

"I will translate.

"'Uh, Father, I beg of you, do not destroy this paleface...

until you know whether he and his people come to us as friend or foe. "'

The rumble now?

Now.

[Popping]

It says here that this peaceful relationship...

continued for over a hundred years.

- [Whooping] - [Popping]

Uh, Mayflower to General Thorwald.

Sir, my ship seems to be changing position rapidly.

Is it changing to port or to starboard?

I would say it's downward, sir.

[Cheering]

Thorwald? This is the Mayflower, sir. L- I've got a bit of a problem.

- Don't give up the ship. - Aye, aye, sir.

Calling General Thorwald, sir.

Over... and under.

[Narrator] In a last desperate effort to save the day...

General Thorwald decided to let the governing body of Putnam's Landing...

in on the big secret.

Now we find Captain Hoxie in charge of a chimpanzee.

He, the chimp- the one on the left-

plays an important role in the army's closely-guarded secret.

- Ah. - [Chimp Shouting]

Here's the secret we are going to share.

Come on, LeRoy. [Chuckles]

There we are. Oh!

Ah. This little fellow is going to take a journey into space...

and return, alive.

- Aren't you? Yes, he agrees. - [Chattering]

Every conceivable precaution has been taken for his safe return.

It's 99 and 9/10ths percent assured.

But that is why we are sending this little fella instead of a human volunteer.

Now then, we will enact for you just what will take place in the foreseeable future.

Uh, up to the point of takeoff, of course.

Captain, would you take LeRoy and put him up in the cone, please?

- Yes, sir. - There.

LeRoy won't let anybody but Captain Hoxie put him up there.

Well, lately he's begun to fight me too.

- [Squealing] - Huh?

Y- You see what I mean, sir?

Uh, this- this may take a little time.

So while we're waiting for LeRoy to get housed in the cone...

- I'd like to show you the extreme precaution... - [Squealing Continues]

We will take at the actual launching.

Follow me, gentlemen.

Now, gentlemen, if all these gadgets confuse you...

believe me, you are not alone.

Only the big brains- uh, the scientists- know the inner workings.

In layman's language it boils down to...

lever number one, lever number two...

and the button.

Now, if you'll retain that simple thought, I'll take you into control room number two.

Uh, this way, gentlemen. Through there, please.

[LeRoy Screaming]

You will follow me, please.

[Screaming Continues]

[Chuckles]

They've been together so much I think they're getting on each other's nerves.

[Laughing]

- No. You- - [Screaming Continues]

Ah!

Now you remember the controls in the other room-

Lever number one, lever number two and the button.

Now, gentlemen, this is indeed a mechanized age we're living in.

Uh, for instance- Excuse me.

N-

[Narrator] At the base hospital, they removed Grace's wet clothes and dismissed her.

As an afterthought, they gave her this outfit.

Here. You see? Each step of this complicated procedure...

can be followed on these panels around the room.

And, uh, later you'll be able to see the activity at the actual launching site.

But, gentlemen, in the final analysis...

it is the human equation that really counts.

Hello, operator. I was told that I would find General Thorwald...

in control room number one, but he-

Never mind.

I just missed you at the base hospital.

They told me that they had ordered you home and straight to bed.

I have to apologize to General Thorwald first. Thank you.

Well, forget about General Thorwald.

- You know, maybe you'd better apologize to me first. - Harry!

This is a showdown!

The first thing I have to say is I love you, and I'm tired of sleeping in the guest room.

- Harry! - And the second thing that I have to say...

is that- that I am a man who wants his wife back.

- And I'm gonna get her back, too, because I am right on my side... - [Squeals]

And-and no pigheaded woman's gonna wreck my home.

The rocket cannot be launched until all are agreed that conditions are perfect.

At that moment, lever number one here and lever number one in the other room are pulled.

Harry, you're going berserk!

- Not only that, but I am running amok! - [Screams]

Now watch.

Uh, this is our closed-circuit color television.

And I will try to describe some of the intricacies of this massive operation.

Now this on the side is the crane.

Uh, we call it the "gantry. "

Here you see a long shot of the crane. There it is.

There's the rocket which is 90 feet high.

Now in a moment the crane will be removed.

Every man becomes tense as we near the end of the countdown.

Although this is only a dry run...

one still gets a great feeling of excitement.

Then if the men controlling lever number two are in accord, the same thing applies.

Follow?

Now, while I'm still the aggressor, we're gonna get one thing straight.

There was absolutely nothing going on between me and Angela Hoffa.

- But I mean absolutely nothing going on- - Stop. Stop.

I believe you.

Would you like to, uh, clarify that statement?

- I have faith in you. - Honey, do you-

[Clears Throat] Do you have a fever? I mean, you're not yourself.

- Like this afternoon, jumping into the bay... - [Sighs]

And trying to end it all because your pageant was a flop.

Oh, honey, you're lovably stupid.

Aren't you ashamed? I mean, did you forget that you're the mother of two children?

No. I was thinking of their father.

When I saw you hit the water, and I didn't see you come up-

You mean, you tried to re-

- Honey, the deepest water you've ever been in is the bathtub. - Uh-huh.

- I mean, without water wings. - [Laughs]

And, now, when all are agreed the conditions are perfect...

and during the countdown procedure at "X" minus five...

two men must make the same momentous decision...

to press the identical buttons setting off the electronic triggering device.

Oh, Grace Oglethorpe, home we go.

And then I'm gonna put you in a hot tub of water.

- Yeah. What else? - And then I'm gonna give you a big snifter of hot brandy.

- Yeah. What else? - And so to bed.

[Moans]

And then we'll attempt to solve my problem.

What do you say to that?

Now when the triggering device is set off, the red light goes on overhead...

and LeRoy is on his way.

- Of course, nothing happens now. - [Machinery Starting Up]

The red light is on.

What happened?

[LeRoy Chattering]

LeRoy! Where's Hoxie?

[Chattering]

Is that Hoxie up there?

[Laughing] Who-Who else?

Can he get out?

If he has sense enough to eject himself, he'll float down.

And be court-martialed.

[Laughing]

[Phone Rings]

- Hello. - Good luck, Harry.

Thank you.

Well, who was that?

Angela Hoffa.

Oh, Harry.

[Laughing]