Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays.

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Mom, I need to tell you something.

Is it that we're in the sixth phase of mass extinction?

Because you've got to stop telling people that.

We are running out of babysitters.

No, it's that Dad said not to use the sink.

Was your snarky retort worth it?

[scoffs]

Um, Kay? Oh, hey, buddy.

There's a plastic lady private part in our microwave.

What?

Plastic V.

In the micro-dubs.

Okay, this is not a micro-dubs.

This is Brian's 3-D printer.

Why would we have a microwave in the living room?

Why do our kids face magnetic north when they sneeze?

I don't understand most of what goes on in this house.

-Just take a look. -Okay.

You are crazy.

There is no way there's an--

Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

You don't think Brian is using that to...

you know?

He's definitely using that to...

you know.

And probably while facing magnetic north.

Okay, well, Marc and Leila might find it, so

-you can't just leave it here. -What, me? No, what?

You know better than anyone I don't know

what to do with one of these.

-Oh. Oh. -Excuse me,

what are you two do...?

Where did you get that?

[stammers] It's not mine.

I three-dimensionally printed it for a friend.

Sweetie, it's okay.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

I-I'm not, but before you judge me,

you have to picture it attached to someone.

You're attaching this to someone?

I know this is hard to think about.

But one day, I might have to attach it to one of you.

Wait, wait, what is this thing?

It's a polycarbonate tricuspid arterial prosthesis.

A plastic heart valve.

Of course it is!

It's just a standard,

run-of-the-mill, non-sexual heart thing.

Ha-ha!

Aw, my sweet, innocent boy.

See, Mike?

He's a good boy.

It's actually just a rough prototype.

It's not my best work but...

Wait.

What'd you guys think this was?

A poorly constructed heart thing.

We are very disappointed in you, young man!

♪

Whew!

That was a close one.

I mean, I know Brian told us what it really was,

but I am going to be having nightmares

about that first thing.

You know what made it even worse?

It made me realize we have no idea

what Brian knows about sex.

I mean, did you ever have the talk with him?

I took him to a lake once.

So, that's a no?

Yeah, that's a no.

But giving him information is terrifying.

Did you ever have the talk with Nicole?

No, she is way scarier than Brian.

But-but we can't avoid this anymore.

Hey, hey, hey.

We can avoid anything we don't set our minds to.

No, this is what parents do, Mike.

They have awkward conversationsabout sex that their kids hate.

But our parents didn't talk tous and we turned out just fine.

We got pregnant at 19!

You told me weed was "nature's condoms."

You told me that.

But, look, sex is one of the few things

we actually can teach them about.

We are great at it.

Especially you.

You could teach a class at Harvard.

[laughs]

Well, I... I don't know about Harvard, but...

You're right, it was the only college I could think of.

But we have to get in front of this

before they get all genius-y andobsessive about it on their own.

Yeah, you are absolutely right, Kay.

We got to try to keep these kids on a normal track.

We'll keep it simple!

Same rules as when we get pulled over.

Stick to the facts and say no more than you have to.

Yeah.

Except in this case, I can't cry

and you can't flash them to get out of it.

All right, for Brian and Nicole,we're gonna focus

on being responsible; and Marc and Leila,

just stick to the basics.

Oh, you're putting out the fancy chips?

I mean, are we gonna do this or are we gonna do this?

[clears throat]

Brian, come on in.

Fancy chips?

This is a trap.

-No. -No! No.

We just have somethingimportant to talk to you about.

We are going to talk to you about sex.

Fine, what do you want to know?

It's all hormones.

Oxytocin, specifically.

The body produces it when you kiss.

And also, when you breastfeed.

So, really, kissing is just

breastfeeding from each other's mouths.

Gauguin, Oscar Wilde...

Sex is about power.

It's a game.

And like in any game, there's a winner.

And a loser.

Wait, why was she looking at mewhen she said loser?

Manet...

Edgar Allan Poe...

all died of syphilis.

[sighs]

Even conception is war.

A mass genocide where a single sperm goes racing to glory,

while half a billion of his faceless brethren

go screaming to their deaths.

Where's their parade?

They scream?

In a million years,humans will reproduce asexually

and penises will be mostly decorative.

So, does that all make sense?

Yes, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much,

two storks make a babyand then mail it to their house.

-Nailed it! -We love you so much!

That was awkward, but we did it.

Still can't believe we made it

through the condom demonstration.

You're actually going to eat that now?

[mouth full]: What?

It's back to being a banana again.

You know, I am proud of us.

We were informative,

patient... mature.

So, what do you think we should do now, Professor?

Hmm, shall we practice what we preached?

So, according to Brian, that's the same thing...

As breastfeeding, yeah.

Why don't we skip this part?

-Yeah. -Um...

[grunts]

Are you... trying to win?

No!

I'm just trying not to lose.

Let's try this, here. Go like this.

-What? -This way.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -All right.

Uh, yeah...

[clears throat]

This is hot.

Yeah.

What are you thinking?

I'm picturing Edgar Allan Poegetting syphilis from a banana.

I'm stressed about all the traffic

caused by the sperm parade.

[sighs]

So, I guess we'll just call it a tie then?

Excuse me, littles?

Senior staff needs the room.

I assume this is regarding Mom and Dad's talk?

Yes!

How mortifying was that?

For them.

Of course, for them.

As if they could teach us anything about sex.

I know more about sex by 9:00 a.m.

than most people know their whole lives.

Why are they even wasting our time with these hypotheticals?

I know.

Unless... they're not supposed to be hypotheticals.

And they actually think we're close to having sex.

[scoffs] Then they're even dumber than I thought.

Let me ask you something.

How far have you gotten, like, in bases?

What are the bases?

First base is kissing...

Then none.

None base.

Hey, me, too!

But now, I'm worried.

Are other kids our age kissing and having sex?

Are we behind?

I think we are.

This is unacceptable.

I've never been behind in anything in my life.

Yes, you have.

To me.

Is this what being you feels like?

No.

I can't have this.

We need to have our first kiss.

With each other?

No! No, you weirdo!

-With someone else! -[both exclaim]

Okay, try it now.

Nothing.

Nothing? [groans]

You know, I see what the problem is here.

I'm not a plumber.

You know what it is?

I took it for granted.

And now that it's gone,

I realize how much I miss it.

Man, you really love that sink.

Kay and I are having sex issues.

Okay. I'm not a quitter.

-I'm gonna give it one more try.-Whoa...

We, uh, we had the talk.

-You know, with the kids? -Oh.

And, uh, they've totally gotten in our heads.

They-They've ruined our sex life.

Well, sure, that's what kids do.

They ruin all the things you love.

Your couch, your sleep,

your collection of glass penguins.

I told you, you got to keep them up high.

Then how's anyone gonna see them, Mike?

How long has it been?

Well, we had the talk three days ago.

-Mm-hmm. -But...

now that I think about it,

we haven't had sex in...

Okay, if you go to your second hand, I might need to tap out.

Oh, my God, it's been...

Eight freakin' weeks?

Uh, let's just say two months.

It sounds less sad.

Come on, you're supposed

to be making me feel better.

Better? You don't need to feel better.

You need to have sex.

So, look, is this the longest you've ever gone?

I don't know.

I've never really thought about it.

But now that I am thinking about it,

it's all I can think about.

So, girl, what you gonna do?

I don't know what we're gonna do.

You think "talk about it with Irwin" was my first choice?

Okay, you and Kay just got to mix it up a bit.

You know, like, surprise her.

Like a little, um... boo!

Oh, geez!

-See? -Whew!

Oh.

Yeah, my heart is racing. [laughs]

Yeah.

That works for you guys?

Honestly, bro, I can't evenremember half the stuff we try.

Like, we started doing this thing

where we take sleeping pills,

and then we do crazy stuff to each other.

And the next morning, that bedroom is wrecked!

So, I started doing this thing, right,

where I give Irwin sleeping pills.

He passes out, I trash the room.

Next day, he thinks we had a wild night,

and I got my eight hours.

So, you have so much sex,

you have to drug your husband for a break.

How does that help me?

[sighs] All right.

What about role-playing?

Me and Irwin do that.

Last week, I was a teacher

who had an affair with a student.

And he was my state-appointed attorney.

And we both knew I was guilty.

So, after starting with

118 suitable first-kiss candidates...

I've narrowed it down to these three options.

I've based my rankings on a proprietary algorithm

that factors criteria like reputation,

reliability and quality of character.

I like the one in the middle.

[laughs]: Oh, me, too!

He's so cute, right?

How's the first kiss search going?

Mm, making progress. What about you?

I'd say... pretty good.

What is that?

It's a 3-D-printed, polycarbonate half-face.

The future of first base.

It's creepy.

It's smart. Before I kiss someone,

I need to be good at it, soI'm gonna use this to practice.

Malcolm Gladwell says you have to do something

for 10,000 hours to be an expert,

so watch out, ladies of 2029.

When I run for office,

you're just gonna go away, right?

Quip all you want, old mare.

While your kissing is still in beta,

mine will be ready to launch.

Come on. I'll show you my room.

Lucky Brian.

He's gonna live at home forever.

[singsongy]: Oh, Mike?

Mike?

-Mike?! -Boo.

-[shrieks] -Ooh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?

-What was that? -Irwin said...

[wheezes] ...surprise you.

[wheezes] Is it... [wheezes] sexy?

-Uh, no. -[clears throat]

[panting]

What-what are you wearing?

Oh.

I dressed up as that superhero you think is hot--

the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

No, no, no, that... It's Captain Marvel.

Mrs. Maisel could never defeat Thanos.

[Kay scoffs, sighs]

So I guess you did the math today, too?

No, I went to the Halloween shopin February

because I'm feeling great about our sex life.

What happened?

We never used to have to try like this.

The moment would just hit us.

It wouldn't matter where we were or what we were doing.

Or what denomination the church was.

-It was just spontaneous. -Yeah.

And now we're trying to plan spontaneous.

All those times other couples complained

about their sex lives, we were like, "Sucks to be them."

Now we're the them it sucks to be.

Well, I guess Brian was right.

Your penis has become mostly decorative.

We are right on schedule, Leils.

As soon as that guy and his mouth shows up,

I'll suggest we skip tutoring and take a walk.

Then, after two-thirds of a mile,

I'll take out my hair tie and do one of these.

A single strand of hair will fall in my face.

That's when he'll reach out with his hand,

tuck the hair behind my ear, lean in and...

Checkmate, another rite of passage in the books.

Like a fairy tale.

I've made sure everything is perfect.

How do you make sure a kiss is perfect?

Well, you, uh...

Huh?

What if it's bad?

It won't be. I excel at everything.

Except, I've never done this before, so I suppose

there is a non-zero chance that I might be bad.

But who cares? It's not a big deal.

It's just a really cute guy

on his way to my house right now to kiss me.

And did you know he plays guitar?

I mean, he only knows that one Ed Sheeran song.

But maybe it's because he's too busy

kissing other girls to learn another one.

And what if he kisses me and I'm the worst?

Or maybe it'll be good.

[Nicole sighs]

Hey, babe.

What are you doing?

Baking bread.

Yeah, I bake bread now. Mm-hmm.

I was thinking, instead of stressing at night

about if we're gonna do it, or why we're not doing it,

or can we get it done before they unmask the singer,

I am going to channel that energy into bread.

I love that. I love it!

No one is ever mad when bread shows up.

I had the same thought, except I am going to try

every single type of soda.

Domestic, small batch, international.

We are in the middle of a soda-sance

-and almost missed it. -Yeah.

Time to pop the top on a new chapter of life.

Croatian soda.

This shouldn't exist.

Hey, honey. Want to come in and help your mom bake bread

for the rest of her life?

You know what? Sure.

Really?

Awesome.

Pull up some dough.

So... can I ask you something?

This is your first time doing this, right?

Oh, God, yeah.

And since this is your first time,

it's okay if it's not perfect, right?

It would even be understandableif it were bad.

Hmm. I used to think that.

But now I realize

it's important it's good in the beginning,

'cause before you know it, it all fades away,

and all you have left isthe memory of when it was good.

So, if this bread doesn't turn out great,

I don't know what the point of everything after it is.

-I need your mouth. -What?

The half-face.

I need to practice.

I'm on the precipice of a majordevelopmental milestone.

I'm not kissing the same thermoplastic half-face

as my sister.

That's weird.

Okay, you're weird, and that thing can do better.

Now where's the face? In your room?

-Yes. -Give it to me!

No, I love her.I mean, I mean, she's expensive!

Hey, guys, what is going on?

Some of us are trying

to drink the root beers of Russia down here.

She's trying to kidnap my mouth!

-Give it! -No!

Why do I ever leave the basement?

Keep back, or I'll shoot!

Okay. Okay.

-What is happening here? -I don't know,

but if they screw with my egg bread,

I will burn this house down.

Brian's been making out with a weird plastic mouth.

She has more class in her half-face

than you have in your whole body.

Give it to me!

-Oh! Turn it off! -Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-It won't turn off! -No, no, no, no!

Oh, okay. Hold on.

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

-You got it? [groans] -Got it.

[both panting]

I think the sink might be broken?

[both laugh]

Oh.

[exhales]

-I hate soda. -I am done with bread.

Well, hello there, Mr. Harvard.

Oh, actually, it's Dr. Harvard.

Dr. Harvard J. Yale.

Why are you two happy?

Because...

the sink is working again.

Ay-oh!

Yeah, and we just accepted

that sometimes the sink's gonna work a lot,

sometimes not at all.

You know, the problem wasn't even the broken sink.

-It was all of the analyzing and overthinking. -Yeah.

By the way, if there was anyone

I could share a sinkless forever with,

-it's you. -Aw.

I don't understand.

They just storked.

[Mike clears throat]

So, you guys want to tell us what that was all about?

Uh, we panicked. Your talk freaked us out

and made us think we should becloser than we are to doing it.

I couldn't even kiss the half-face.

I've been wooing it for two days.

I guess we did throw a lot of stuff at you.

We thought you were ready, butthe most important thing to know

is that it's okay to not be ready.

And when you are, you'll know.

-[doorbell rings] -Oh, that's my kiss.

-I don't think I'm... -I'll take care of it.

Sorry. Nicole's not coming.

But there's someone else you should meet.

Treat her right. I just want her to be happy.

[voice breaking]: That's why I printed her

with a smile.

[door closes]

Hey, buddy.

We're returning that 3-D printer.

Okay.

Can we have a movie night?

-[gasps] Absolutely we can! -Yeah.

-Great idea. What's up? -Yes. Oop. Yup.

-[clears throat] -Oop, oop. -What should we watch?

Oh, Marc DVR'd a documentary that explores the multitude

of possible gradations present in an achromatic color.

-Sounds thrilling. -Yeah.

It's called Fifty Shades of Grey.

-No. No, no. No. -No!

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox.