Original subtitles

>> PREVIOUSLY ON "NIP/TUCK."

>> MRS. CALDARELLO, WE'VE HAD

TREMENDOUS SUCCESS IN LIP

RECONSTRUCTION USING THE

PATIENT'S LABIAL FOLDS.

>> WHAT ABOUT WHEN

MY HUSBAND KISSES ME? IF HE

FINDS OUT, HE'LL NEVER KISS ME

AGAIN.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE SECRET JOY OF

KNOWING THAT IT'S THE FIRST TIME

THOSE LIPS WILL HAVE EVER BEEN

KISSED?

>> DO IT. PUT MY PUSSY ON MY

LIPS.

>> IF I MAY ASK, THEODORA.

>> CALL ME TEDDY.

>> WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME?

>> I AM.

ANYTHING ELSE YOU FIND

INTERESTING?

>> THE TUMOR HAS SPREAD TO THE

SUPRACLAVICULAR LYMPH NODES.

>> GIVE ME A BALLPARK.

>> 6 MONTHS.

[BEEPING]

>> I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

>> HOW DOES IT LOOK? ANY MOTHS?

>> GIVE ME A MINUTE.

JUST TO TRY IT ON.

>> EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, BIZZY?

IT'S BEEN IN STORAGE SINCE THE

DAY YOUR FATHER AND I GOT

MARRIED.

>> NO, IT'S FINE. I JUST NEED

A LITTLE PRIVACY. PLEASE.

>> OH. SURE.

BIZZY. THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL HER,

HUH?

>> SINCE SHE WAS 2 YEARS OLD,

SHE WAS ALWAYS GETTING INTO

THINGS. REARRANGING HER ROOM,

SORTING OUT THE SILVERWARE.

VERY INDUSTRIOUS LITTLE GIRL.

I ENCOURAGED HER. I TOLD HER,

YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT, WORK

HARD, YOU'RE GONNA GET WHATEVER

YOU WANT IN LIFE.

BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT. SHE WAS

NOT GOING TO GET ANYWHERE ON

HER LOOKS.

>> COULD I GET YOU A DRINK,

MARIELA? SODA, WATER?

>> PLEASE. AND CALL ME "MAMA".

>> OH.

>> PATRON DOBLE. BECAUSE WE ARE

CELEBRATING, AREN'T WE?

MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED.

AND TO A MAN OF ALL THINGS.

>> YEAH, WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.

>> PRETTY CLOSE.

>> HA...

>> SO WHY ARE YOU MARRYING

MY DAUGHTER?

>> UM...THE SEX.

>> HA HA HA!

THE LAST TIME I VISITED, SHE WAS

A FLANNEL-SHIRT WEARING

LESBIANA WHO WAS HAVING TROUBLE

GETTING A DATE.

WHAT IS THE REAL STORY HERE?

>> THE REAL STORY IS I SHOULD

BE TOASTING YOU FOR GIVING ME

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

TO FAMILY.

>> SO YOU'RE GAY? THIS IS AN

ARRANGEMENT BETWEEN YOU TYPES?

YOU GET INSURANCE NOW OR

SOMETHING. HMM?

>> CHRISTIAN. CAN YOU COME IN

HERE, PLEASE?

>> YEAH.

>> CAN YOU PLEASE--COULD YOU

HELP ZIP THIS FOR ME?

>> AH...

[LIZ GRUNTING]

>> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET

THIS OUT A LITTLE.

>> OH, NO, I CAN'T. THIS IS AN

ANTIQUE. IT'S AN "AS IS" KIND OF

THING.

>> WELL, THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.

SO, UH, WHY DON'T WE JUST BUY

YOU ANOTHER DRESS AND WE CAN

START IT ON TRADITION?

>> OH-OH. NO. YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND. EVER SINCE I COULD

REMEMBER, MY MOM HAS WANTED ME

TO WEAR THIS DRESS IN MY

WEDDING. AND THEN I CAME OUT

TO HER, AND NEITHER OF US

THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN.

A TRADITIONAL WEDDING?

IN A CHURCH?

IN MY MOM'S DRESS?

THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME NOW.

>> ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT THIS

IS ABOUT?

>> BIZZY. YOU KNOW VERY WELL IT

IS BAD LUCK FOR THE GROOM TO SEE

YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT BEFORE

THE WEDDING.

>> MA! THE DRESS DOESN'T FIT!

>> AY, MIRA. IT'S THOSE TATAS

OF YOURS. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN

TOP-HEAVY.

>> LADIES, I THINK WE'RE GOING

GOWN SHOPPING.

>> NO. IF I CAN'T TOUCH THE

DRESS, THEN I'M GONNA SHRINK

MY CHEST. I WANTED IT BEFORE,

NOW I HAVE TO.

BOOK ME FOR A BREAST REDUCTION.

>> * MAKE ME

BEAUTIFUL

MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL

A PERFECT MIND

A PERFECT FACE

A PERFECT

LIE *

>> WELL, THIS IS QUITE

A SURPRISE.

>> IT CERTAINLY IS.

TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF NOW,

MRS. CALDARELLO.

>> HER TITS, HER ASS, THAT

TURKEY WADDLE UNDER HER CHIN,

AND MAYBE YOU COULD LIGHTEN THE

LUGGAGE UNDER HER EYES.

>> I GUESS THE ONLY THING YOU

DON'T HAVE TO DO ARE MY LIPS.

>> OH, NOT THOSE BEAUTIES.

YOU DID SUCH A BANG-UP JOB ON

THEM, DOCTORS. THAT'S WHY WE

FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.

>> WELL...THAT'S VERY

FLATTERING, MRS. CALDARELLO.

YOU NEVER STRUCK ME AS THE

MAKEOVER TYPE. WE COULD BARELY

TALK YOU INTO REPAIRING THE

DAMAGE FROM YOUR OVEN, I BELIEVE

IT WAS?

>> IT'S NICE WORK IF I DO SAY

MYSELF. I MEAN, YOU COULD NEVER

TELL THAT THE SKIN CAME FROM

YOUR--

>> BREASTS. NO. NEVER.

>> ORDINARILY IT WOULD BE FINE

FOR ALLEGRA HERE TO LET GRAVITY

TAKE ITS COURSE, BUT SHE'S GOTTA

GO BACK IN THE MARKET.

I'VE GOT PROSTATE CANCER.

THE DOCTORS AREN'T OPTIMISTIC.

OH, BOY. I ALWAYS FIGURED BY THE

TIME I KICKED, SHE'D BE SET,

FINANCIALLY SPEAKING.

>> I'LL BE FINE, MANNY.

I CAN GET A JOB.

>> WITH WHAT SKILLS, HONEY?

WITH A LITTLE LUCK AND A LOT OF

SURGERY, SHE'LL FIND ANOTHER

GUY. SOMEONE WHO CAN CARE FOR

HER IN THE MANNER TO WHICH SHE

SHOULD HAVE BECOME ACCUSTOMED.

OH, THOSE LIPS...

I'M GONNA MISS THEM LIKE

NOBODY'S BUSINESS. OOH. DAMN.

WHERE'S THE HEAD?

ALL I DO IS PISS THESE DAYS

'CAUSE OF THE BIG "C."

[DOOR CLOSES]

>> BY THE WAY, I SAW YOU ON THAT

TV SHOW YOU DID. I WAS QUITE

UPSET ABOUT THAT CHARACTER YOU

BASED ON ME. THE ONE YOU

CALLED--I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

>> PUSSYLIPS.

>> THAT'S THE ONE.

AND THE PART ABOUT HER FATHER

ABUSING HER?

>> MRS. CALDARELLO--

>> HOW DID YOU KNOW?

>> I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR

HUSBAND. I KNOW HOW DEVOTED YOU

ARE TO EACH OTHER.

>> I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT

HIM.

>> HEY, SADIE.

>> SADIE?

>> SADIE SADIE, MARRIED LADY.

JUST TRYING TO KEEP THINGS LIGHT

SINCE YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE

I STOLE YOUR JOB, WHEN YOU LOOK

AT ME AT ALL.

>> LET'S HAVE A LITTLE GIRL

TALK, SHALL WE?

THE THING IS, IS THAT I WANNA

SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH

CHRISTIAN AND WILBER AS I CAN.

BUT IF I STAY HOME 24/7, THEY

ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRAZY.

SO, I THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT

THE JOB.

>> THAT'S GENIUS.

I'M TOTALLY OK WITH THAT.

>> OH, NOW WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

>> HA HA!

>> IT'S SO MUCH EASIER.

>> HA HA! OK, I JUST HAVE TO

ASK.

>> OK. I KNOW, I KNOW.

NOW, I AM...NOW, LET'S SEE.

I DON'T TAKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS,

I HAVE NO HISTORY OF DIABETES,

NO ALLERGIES TO ANY DRUGS,

NO HYPERTENSION. I'M ALL READY

FOR MY SURGERY, MR. DEMILLE.

>> THAT'S HELPFUL. THANK YOU.

UM, BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO

KNOW IS HOW IT WORKS.

BEING ONE WAY AND THEN SUDDENLY

SWITCHING HORSES MID-STREAM.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD? YOU JUST LOOSE

INTEREST IN GIRLS? I'M JUST

CURIOUS.

>> BI-CURIOUS?

>> HA. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE TOO

PERSONAL. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE

TROUBLE KEEPING MY OWN WILDER

SIDE IN CHECK.

HAVING SECRETS IS DIFFICULT,

PAINFUL. DON'T YOU THINK?

>> HOW'S OUR GIRL?

>> HER MILK BOTTLES ARE DOWN

A QUART, BUT ASIDE FROM THAT,

SHE'S DOING FINE.

>> I'D SAY THEY'RE ONLY DOWN

A PINT. DIDN'T SHE ASK FOR

A HIGH "C?"

>> SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO FIT

INTO HER MOTHER'S GODDAMNED UGLY

DRESS, OK? A "D" WILL DO.

DIDN'T THIS ALL START BECAUSE

SHE HAD BACK PAIN? I MEAN, NOW

WE'RE KILLING TWO BIG-TITTED

BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME ON,

HANG AROUND. THIS IS HISTORY

RIGHT HERE.

THIS...MY LAST SURGERY.

NO MORE LIPO ON CHUNKY DIVORCEES

OR RHINOPLASTIES ON SELF-HATING

JEWESSES. I AM FREE, BABY.

I'M TAKING LIZZY AND THE KID TO

ITALY. WE'RE GONNA EAT LIKE

PIGS. I MEAN, WHO CARES IF I GET

FAT, RIGHT? HA HA.

WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?

LISTEN, I'VE HAD TO ACCEPT THIS

AND YOU WILL, TOO, ALL RIGHT?

WHICH IS WHY, I'M GONNA START

INTERVIEWING REPLACEMENTS.

>> WHO SAYS I WANNA HIRE SOMEONE

NEW?

>> OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP

THIS TRAIN RUNNING ALL ON YOUR

OWN? THIS O.R. IS IN USE 70

HOURS A WEEK. I OWN HALF OF

THAT, WHICH MEANS THAT WHEN

I'M DEAD, THAT MONEY GOES TO

LIZZY AND THE KID. I DON'T WANT

THEM TO MISS OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE

SO DEPRESSED YOU CAN'T GET REAL.

>> THEY'LL BE TAKEN CARE OF.

YOU KNOW THAT. EVEN IF I HAVE TO

PAY THEM OUT OF MY OWN POCKET.

I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE

MORBID TO START INTERVIEWING

PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE STILL

SEEMINGLY HEALTHY.

>> LOOK, SEAN, I'M DOING THE

BEST I CAN TO KEEP IT TOGETHER

ABOUT ALL OF THIS. IT'S NOT EASY

KNOWING THAT YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS

GONNA GO ON WITHOUT YOU.

I JUST WANNA KNOW THAT THE GUY

STANDING OPPOSITE YOU IN THE

SCRUB ROOM EVERY DAY IS THERE

BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO BE.

>> I CAN'T REPLACE YOU,

CHRISTIAN.

>> EVERYBODY'S REPLACEABLE,

SEAN.

EVEN ME.

CAN YOU, UH, CAN YOU CALL ME

WHEN SHE'S COMING OUT?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET HIM GO,

SEAN. THAT MAN IS DYING AND NOT

IN A METAPHYSICAL "WE'RE ALL

DYING" KIND OF WAY. HE'S GOING

TO BE A GHOST BEFORE HALLOWEEN.

LIFE IS CHANGING. YOU CAN EITHER

RIDE THE WAVE OR GET SMASHED TO

SMITHEREENS ON THE ROCKS.

>> IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

HE'S MY BROTHER.

>> GRADUATED WITH HONORS FROM

U.C.L.A. AND TRAINED AT CEDARS,

DISTINGUISHED RESIDENCY AT THE

JOSEPH STILL BURN CENTER IN

AUGUSTA, GUEST EDITOR FOR NJM.

CREDENTIALS SPEAK FOR YOU.

>> THAT'S ENCOURAGING.

>> IF I WAS LOOKING TO HIRE

A NOBEL LAUREATE FOR SURGEON.

[CHUCKLES]

SO MY PARTNER AND I HAVE BEEN

TOGETHER FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

WE'VE DONE OVER 6,000 SURGERIES,

I WAS BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING,

AND WE HAVE A SON TOGETHER.

SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, WE'RE NOT

LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO JUST

COME IN AND PLAY DOCTOR.

IT NEEDS TO BE THE RIGHT

PERSONALITY FIT AS WELL.

SOMEBODY WHO'S WILLING TO

EMOTIONALLY INVEST IN THE

PRACTICE AS WELL AS THE

PARTNERSHIP.

>> OH, WELL, THAT'S DEFINITELY

NOT ME. I'M ONLY IN THIS

BUSINESS FOR THE MONEY AND THE

GIRLS.

>> HMM. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED?

>> DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.

>> KIDS?

>> NOT YET. BUT UNDER THE RIGHT

CIRCUMSTANCES...

>> WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATING LIFE?

>> OFTEN, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE

A 9 OR A 10.

>> EVER HAD TWINS?

>> SISTERS, BUT NOT TWINS.

>> ASS MAN OR TITS?

>> WHY CHOOSE?

>> NEW YORK OR VEGAS?

>> NEW YORK IS VEGAS FOR ANYONE

WITH TASTE.

>> WELL, YOU HAVE TASTE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

>> SO DO YOU, DR. TROY.

THIS ROOM, FOR INSTANCE,

IMPECCABLE DESIGN. THIS CHAIR,

MILO BAUGHMAN. DISTRESSED

CELADON VELVET. THAT COUCH...

THE COLOR, VINTAGE TWEED.

THE WHOLE PALETTE OF THIS ROOM

IS...INSPIRED.

>> I SHOULD GIVE YOU THE NUMBER

OF MY DESIGNER. YOU COULD KISS

HER ASS INSTEAD.

>> HA HA HA!

I'M SORRY. I KNOW I GET A LITTLE

CARRIED AWAY. MY MOTHER WAS IN

THE BUSINESS. I GREW UP AROUND

THIS STUFF.

>> YOU HAVE A PATIENT. FEMALE.

SHE'S COMING FOR A BROW LIFT.

WHAT'S YOUR APPROACH?

>> HOW OLD?

>> EARLY 50's.

>> I'D PUSH FOR AN ENDOSCOPIC

BROW LIFT. PROVIDED YOU USE

A LASER. YOU GET NEARLY THE SAME

RESULTS. PATIENT TELLS HER

FRIENDS ABOUT IT. QUICK

RECOVERY, AND THAT ONLY MEANS

MORE REPEAT BUSINESS.

>> I DON'T WANNA DO THIS.

>> WOULD YOU RATHER I HIRE HIM

FIRST AND THEN YOU FIND OUT

YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?

>> I WON'T LIKE HIM NO MATTER

HOW GOOD HE IS. HE'S NOT YOU.

>> NO, BUT HE'S GOT THE BEST

CREDENTIALS BY FAR. I WOULD

THINK HE COULD BE ABLE TO BREAK

YOU OUT OF YOUR...SHELF FROM

TIME TO TIME, WHICH YOU'RE GONNA

NEED WHEN I'M GONE.

>> DON'T SAY THAT.

>> LET'S GO BACK TO THE WEDDING,

RIGHT? I MEAN, I NEED TIME OFF

FOR THAT FIRST, REMEMBER?

>> WHO PICKED OUT THIS TABLE?

THIS IS TOP OF THE LINE.

DOUBLE-SWIVEL CASTERS, SPLIT

LEG PLATES. BEAUTIFUL LINES,

TOO.

>> SEAN SPENT WEEKS LOOKING FOR

THE RIGHT TABLE. HE HAD TO HAVE

THE BEST ONE.

>> WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.

>> WORK WITH THE BEST, YOU NEVER

GO WRONG.

>> GUESS I HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG

SHOES TO FILL THEN.

>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, I GUESS I'LL

LET YOU GUYS GET BETTER

ACQUAINTED.

>> SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU ALREADY

PERFORMED A LABIAL TRANSFER

ON THE PATIENT.

>> MM-HMM. ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO.

>> FANTASTIC JOB. NO WONDER SHE

FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO

HAVE YOU DO IT AGAIN.

>> THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

>> I JUST HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN

SAY THE SAME THING TO ME.

>> OK. FIRE IT UP.

>> * YOU'RE NOBODY

TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU

YOU'RE NOBODY

TILL SOMEBODY CARES

YOU MAY BE KING

YOU MAY POSSESS THE WORLD

AND ITS GOLD... *

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> BEAUTIFUL WORK, DOCTOR.

>> OK. LET'S DO SOME LIPO.

>> * ...THE WORLD

STILL IS THE SAME

YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE IT

AS SURE AS THE STARS

SHINE ABOVE

BUT YOU'RE NOBODY

TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU *

>> AFTER WORK, DO YOU WANT

TO GET A DRINK?

>> I'D LIKE TO, BUT I'M SCOUTING

LOCATIONS FOR CHRISTIAN'S

BACHELOR PARTY.

>> MIND IF I TAG ALONG?

IT'S ALWAYS BEST TO GET A SECOND

OPINION.

>> SURE.

[BEEPING]

>> SO THIS IS CHRISTIAN'S

FAVORITE PLACE, HUH? NICE.

>> * I HOLD MY HEAD UP

JUST ENOUGH TO SEE THE SKY

AND WHEN WE GO

WE WON'T GO SLOW

WE'LL PUT UP CERTAIN THINGS

WE'LL REDEEM INTO THE DUST

AND INTO AIR

BUT ALL THE CHILDREN KNOW

THAT SOON THIS PAIN

WILL SURELY PASS... *

>> WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

10 TO 15 GIRLS BACK IN THE

"CHAMPAGNE ROOM" FOR THE NIGHT?

THAT'D BE FUN.

>> YEAH. FUN.

YEP..

>> * ...IF YOU'LL BE ONE

THEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE

JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UP

KISS YOUR FEET

THEN TOUCH THE SKY

TOO LATE

TO KEEP THE WORLD

FROM DYING

IT'S NOT TOO LATE

TO SPARE THE LOVE YOU HAVE

AND ONE DAY

WHEN WE'RE READY FOR CRYING

ONE DAY

A LITTLE BIT

WILL BE THERE, LITTLE GIRL *

* TOO LATE *

>> I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

>> NO, THIS WHOLE THING IS

WRONG.

CHRISTIAN USED TO PULL ME IN

HERE AFTER A DIFFICULT SURGERY

TO BLOW OFF STEAM.

OF COURSE HE GOT THE DANCES

FOR FREE. THIS DOESN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE ANYMORE.

>> IT IS A BACHELOR PARTY.

>> IT'S NOT JUST A BACHELOR

PARTY. I MEAN, HE'S NOT JUST

GETTING MARRIED. HE'S LEAVING.

THE 20 YEARS WORKING TOGETHER.

I SUDDENLY DON'T HAVE A PARTNER

ANYMORE.

>> YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, SEAN.

I KNOW I CAN NEVER REPLACE

CHRISTIAN. BUT IF YOU GIVE ME

A CHANCE, I KNOW WE COULD MAKE

A GOOD TEAM.

>> IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

>> WELL HEY, NOW THAT YOU

MENTION IT, I REALLY CAN'T SEE

CELEBRATING IN THIS DUMP ANYWAY.

IT'S GROTESQUE.

>> GIRLS AREN'T SO BAD.

>> THE GIRLS ARE TOP SHELF.

BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE

UPHOLSTERY ON THAT COUCH,

IT'S ALL FRAYED, THERE'S FOOD

STAINS ON THE CARPET. AND I

DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU

CAN SEE IF YOU SHINE A BLACK

LIGHT ON THE CHAIRS IN THE VIP

ROOM. ARE YOU HUNGRY? 'CAUSE I

KNOW A GREAT PLACE TO GRAB

A BITE. IT'S NOT TOO FAR FROM

HERE, AND IT'S REALLY TASTEFULLY

DECORATED.

>> SURE.

>> YOU'RE SUCH A LUCKY DUCKLING,

MIJA, TO HAVE A HANDSOME PRINCE

WITH THE POWER TO TURN YOU

INTO A SWAN.

>> OW. THAT HURTS.

>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE A LITTLE

TENDER, OK? NO FONDLING FOR

A WEEK. DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL

LEARN TO LOVE IT DOGGIE STYLE.

>> CHRISTIAN, MY MOTHER IS

STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

>> AY, THAT'S MUSIC TO MY EARS.

NOTHING BETWEEN A MAN AND

A WOMAN IS EVER WRONG.

>> THERE WE GO. PERFECT

TEARDROPS.

>> THEY'RE MORE LIKE WATER

BALLOONS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO WHAT WE

DECIDED?

>> LOOK, I TOOK THEM DOWN SO YOU

DON'T NEED BACK SURGERY AS YOU

GET OLDER, PERIOD.

AS FAR AS GETTING RID OF THE TWO

MOST BEAUTIFUL ASSETS YOU

HAVE, I MADE AN EXECUTIVE

DECISION. ONE THAT WE COULD BOTH

BENEFIT FROM.

>> HUH. YOU'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED

YET AND YOU'RE LYING TO HER.

THAT WAS A BAD DECISION

FOR YOU TO MAKE. MY DAUGHTER IS

IN CHARGE OF HER OWN BODY.

>> MOM.

>> YOU'RE IN CHARGE--

>> AH! PLEASE STOP. PLEASE.

CHRISTIAN, I AM IN CHARGE OF

MY OWN BODY.

>> THEN WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR

BODY TO PUT THIS ON INSTEAD OF

THAT MOTH-RIDDEN RELIC?

>> OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GORGEOUS.

SORRY, MOM. OH, MY GOD, IT'S

GORGEOUS.

>> IT'S NOT YOU.

BUT YOU WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW

HOW RICH AND GLAMOROUS YOU ARE?

OR DO YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR

SACRED VOWS IN THE SAME BLESSED

TRADITION PASSED ON FROM MOTHER

TO DAUGHTER FOR GENERATIONS?

>> * SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES

WAS SO INVITING... *

>> MA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> I'M GONNA PHONE YOUR

GRANDMOTHER AND TELL HER THE

NEWS. DIOS MIO. ME VA A MATAR.

SHE'S GONNA KILL ME. AND WHEN

SHE DOES, ENJOY YOUR WEDDING.

>> MAYBE WILBER'S WIFE COULD--

>> ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL CHANGE

MY WILL.

>> * STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

EXCHANGING GLANCES

WONDERING IN THE NIGHT

WHAT WERE THE CHANCES... *

>> HERE'S THE KEY. DR. TROY

SAID TO MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

>> THANKS.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> * ...BEFORE THE NIGHT

WAS THROUGH

SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES

WAS SO INVITING

SOMETHING IN YOUR SMILE

WAS SO EXCITING

SOMETHING IN MY HEART

TOLD ME I MUST HAVE YOU

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

TWO LONELY PEOPLE

WE WERE STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

UP TO THE MOMENT

WHEN WE SAID OUR FIRST HELLO

LITTLE DID WE KNOW

LOVE WAS JUST A GLANCE AWAY

A WARM, EMBRACING DANCE AWAY

EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER

LOVERS AT FIRST SIGHT

IN LOVE FOREVER

IT TURNED OUT SO RIGHT

FOR STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT *

>> * LOVE WAS JUST

A GLANCE AWAY

A WARM, EMBRACING DANCE AWAY

EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER

LOVERS AT FIRST SIGHT

IN LOVE FOREVER

IT TURNED OUT SO RIGHT

FOR STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

DOOBY DOOBY DOO *

>> I JUST WISH YOU WOULDN'T

HAND OVER YOUR OFFICE TO HIM

SO SOON.

>> I'M NOT GONNA BE USING IT

NOW. AND HE REALLY LOVES

MY DECOR. HA.

>> * DOOBY DOOBY DO... *

>> AH!

JEEZ.

>> THAT WAS AWKWARD, HUH?

>> WELL WHAT THE HELL WERE

YOU DOING?

>> WERE YOU MASTURBATING?

>> PROBABLY LOOKED THAT WAY.

>> LIKE YOU WERE SCREWING AN

INVISIBLE WOMAN ON MY COUCH.

>> IT WAS NO INVISIBLE WOMAN.

>> YOU WERE SCREWING THE COUCH?

>> GENTLEMEN, I'M COMPLETELY

EMBARRASSED. SO LET ME APOLOGIZE

AND EXPLAIN. I STRUGGLE WITH

OBJECTUM SEXUALITY.

>> WHAT'S THAT, COUCH-BANGING

IN ENGLISH?

>> O.S. IS NOT A WIDELY KNOWN

CONDITION. IT'S BARELY

UNDERSTOOD. BUT IT IS REAL.

THOSE OF US WHO IDENTIFY

OURSELVES WITH O.S. ARE FULLY

CAPABLE OF FORMING A STRONG

RELATIONSHIP WITH...PHYSICAL

OBJECTS. IT STEMS FROM A BELIEF

IN ANIMISM.

>> WAIT A SECOND. SO YOU BELIEVE

THAT PHYSICAL OBJECTS CAN BE

SENTIENT BEINGS?

>> LIKE US, THEY HAVE FEELINGS.

THEY CAN COMMUNICATE,

EVEN EXPRESS LOVE.

>> SO ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT

RELATIONSHIPS IN THE INTERVIEW,

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SCREWING

ONE OF THE FLOOR MODELS

AT POTTERY BARN.

>> I DO HAVE NORMAL

RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN.

THEY'RE JUST NOT AS SATISFYING.

THERE'S A LONG HISTORY OF GENDER

ASSIGNMENTS WITH CARS, BOATS,

BUILDINGS--

>> THE DIFFERENCE IS I'VE NEVER

STUCK MY DICK IN A TAILPIPE.

>> I TRY TO FIGHT THE URGE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT

I COULD BE CAPABLE OF FINDING

SOMETHING LIKE A PIECE OF

FURNITURE SO ATTRACTIVE.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

IRRESISTIBLE TO ME ABOUT A

REALLY WELL-BUILT PIECE.

MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN

ATTRACTED TO PERFECTION IN ALL

OF ITS FORMS. AS PLASTIC

SURGEONS YOU CAN RELATE,

CAN'T YOU?

>> GET OUT.

GET OUT!

NEXT TIME I'LL DO A BACKGROUND

CHECK.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> YOU'RE VERY GOOD,

DR. McNAMARA, BUT I THINK IT'S

GOING TO TAKE SOMETIME TO GET

USED TO THESE.

>> THEY'LL LOSE SOME VOLUME ONCE

THE SWELLING GOES DOWN.

>> NO. I LIKE THIS SIZE.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M A SHY PERSON.

I'M NOT USED TO BEING SO OUT

THERE.

>> THERE'S MY BABY.

DID I TELL YOU, TITO?

REINCARNATED AS GINA

LOLLOBRIGIDA, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN

ALL HEALED UP YET.

>> HELLO, ALLEGRA.

>> WHAT IS HE DOING HERE, MANNY?

>> OH, HE INSISTED ON BEING HERE

FOR YOUR RECOVERY.

WHAT A GUY, RIGHT?

SORRY, DR. McNAMARA, THIS IS

TITO.

>> OUR BUTCHER FROM COCONUT

GROVE.

>> MY BEST BRISKET.

I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON

THE X-RAY GUY'S FACE AT THE

AIRPORT.

>> I'M SORRY, MR. CALDARELLO,

BUT WE ONLY ALLOW FAMILY IN

RECOVERY.

>> BUT TITO IS FAMILY. AT LEAST

HE WILL BE AFTER I DIE AND

HE MARRIES ALLEGRA.

>> HIM?

>> YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND A

BETTER CANDIDATE. THAT BUTCHER

SHOP IS A CASH COW.

HE'S A WIDOWER, AND HIS LITTLE

GIRL CONNIE IS PREGNANT WITH

TWINS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT

GRANDBABIES.

>> YOU CAN'T HANDPICK YOUR

WIFE'S SECOND HUSBAND.

>> WE NEVER AGREED TO THIS,

MANNY.

>> I'M JUST HELPING MOVE THE

PROCESS ALONG. I KNOW MY WIFE

BETTER THAN SHE KNOWS HERSELF.

SHE'S ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW SHE

AND TITO CARRY ON.

>> I LIKE HIS GROUND CHUCK,

MANNY.

>> NOT TO BE TOO FORWARD,

ALLEGRA. I'VE BEEN GIVING YOU

AN EXTRA QUARTER POUND OF IT

FOR YEARS NOW, HMM?

>> I'M VERY FLATTERED, TITO,

BUT I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED IF

MANNY HAD WAITED UNTIL MY

TRANSFORMATION WAS COMPLETE

BEFORE INVITING A SUITOR IN

TO SEE ME.

>> I'M DYING, BABE.

EVERY MINUTE COUNTS. IF I'M

GONNA HAVE SOME SAY IN ALL OF

THIS, I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO

WASTE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE HER NEW BREASTS,

TITO? GRADE A PRIME, NO?

>> ALLEGRA NEEDS HER REST.

AND TAKE YOUR MEAT WITH YOU,

PLEASE.

>> WONDERFUL SEEING YOU,

ALLEGRA. I AM AT THE RAMADA INN

IN BURBANK IF YOU WANT TO CALL.

[CHEERING]

>> TO THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> FINALLY.

>> SALUD.

>> OH, MY GOD.

WNBA SEASON TICKETS. OH, TESS.

>> I LOVE YOU, DOLL.

>> THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

>> AND TELL CHRISTIAN THOSE ARE

JACK NICHOLSON'S LAKERS

SEATS, OK?

>> HA HA!

>> MAYBE THAT'LL CONVINCE HIM

TO GO.

>> MEN DON'T WANT TO SEE TALL

WOMEN WITH MUSCLES SLAMMING

EACH OTHER. QUE ES ESO?

>> I KNOW, MA. THAT'S WHAT YOU

USED TO TELL ME WHEN I USED TO

PLAY FOR ST. MARY'S.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND DID YOU HAVE MANY DATES

IN HIGH SCHOOL? WITH MEN?

>> ARE THERE ANY NORMAL MEN

IN HIGH SCHOOL?

[EVERYONE LAUGHING]

>> THIS ONE'S FROM ME.

IT'S HEAVY. BE CAREFUL.

>> WOW, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

WHAT'S IN THIS ONE.

>> OPEN IT UP. YOU CAN READ THE

CARD LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S A SET OF ALL CLAD.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN

HOW TO COOK. LIKE A STRAIGHT

WOMAN. NO MORE TAKE-OUT.

AND IT HAS A LIFETIME GUARANTEE.

>> WOW. THANK YOU.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME, SWEETIE.

>> WOW, THAT'S GREAT, HUH?

>> YEAH.

>> A LIFETIME.

>> OH, SWEETIE, I DIDN'T MEAN

ANYTHING. NONE OF US CAN COOK,

RIGHT?

>> IT'S NOT THAT.

YOU'RE ALL JUST SUCH GREAT

FRIENDS.

CHRISTIAN HAS CANCER.

AND WE WON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME

TOGETHER. MAYBE 6 MONTHS TO

A YEAR.

>> OH, SWEETIE.

>> I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

>> NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

A MAN, A DOCTOR WITH HIS LOOKS.

>> WHAT? MARRYING ME?

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

>> OK. OK, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL

GO.

>> NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE.

NO, DON'T.

MY WHOLE LIFE YOU MADE ME FEEL

LIKE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH

ME. I WASN'T AS PRETTY AS

CHRISTY SHERMAN OR AS FEMININE

AS KELLY PETERSON. I LAUGHED TOO

LOUD, I WAS AWKWARD, I WAS

CLUMSY. YOU CALLED ME YOUR UGLY

DUCKLING. AND I BELIEVED YOU.

>> THAT WAS A JOKE, AND YOU

KNOW IT.

>> DID I? YOU COULD NEVER SEE ME

FOR WHAT I WAS. IT WAS ALWAYS

WHAT I WASN'T. IT DIDN'T MATTER

THAT I WAS FUNNY, THAT I WAS

SMART. THE TRUTH BE TOLD, IF YOU

COULD REPLACE ME WITH CHRISTY

OR KELLY, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE

IT, WOULDN'T YOU HAVE?

>> YOU WEREN'T EXACTLY AN EASY

CHILD, LIZZY.

>> HOW COULD I BE? I WAS

FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE, AND THE

ONLY ONE ON MY SIDE WAS ME.

IF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF ME, WHAT

DID YOU DO? YOU TOLD ME TO LOSE

WEIGHT, STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR.

IS IT ANY WONDER THAT I SPEND

MY LIFE SURGICALLY ALTERING

PEOPLE WHO HATE THEMSELVES

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT MEASURE UP?

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE PEOPLE

IN THIS ROOM, I WOULD HAVE

NO SELF-IMAGE AT ALL.

THESE WOMEN LOVE ME.

AND A FEW OF THEM HAVE EVEN

SHARED MY BED. OH, YES, THAT'S

RIGHT, MOMMY. OH, I'M SO SORRY

IF THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU CONSIDER

NORMAL. BUT MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE

YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING

ANYONE. NOT EVEN YOUR OWN

DAUGHTER.

I DON'T WANT YOU AT MY WEDDING.

I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU IN THIS

ROOM ANYMORE.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

>> MAKE SURE YOU GET UNDER THE

CUSHIONS, TOO. I THINK HE

CONSUMMATED IT THERE.

>> I'D LIKE TO PAY FOR THE

CLEANING, IF I MAY.

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

IN MY OFFICE?

>> I REALIZED I LEFT BEHIND MY

THINGS, AND I ALSO WANTED TO

RETURN THIS TO YOU.

>> YOU COULD HAVE MAILED THEM

IN.

>> I DIDN'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT

ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE.

>> YOU REALLY WANTED TO HELP ME?

YOU COULD HAVE FOUND ME ANOTHER

REPLACEMENT. I'M GETTING MARRIED

IN TWO WEEKS.

>> CONGRATULATIONS. I FEEL

REALLY TERRIBLE THE WAY THINGS

WORKED OUT.

>> JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BANG

THE RECEPTIONIST'S DESK ON THE

WAY OUT.

>> EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE NOT USING

ANY TOXIC CHEMICALS ON HER,

ARE YOU?

>> IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE GONNA

LOOK LIKE SOFIA LOREN, I'D TAKEN

BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.

>> I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

>> LOOK, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS

WRONG. I'M SORRY.

TITO WAS A STUPID IDEA.

CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME, DOLL?

>> I CAN NEVER BUY MEAT THERE

AGAIN. I'M NOT JUST A POSSESSION

YOU CAN GIVE AWAY TO THE TOWN

BUTCHER. I'M WORTH MORE THAN

THAT, MANNY.

>> I KNOW THAT, BABY.

YOU DESERVE THE BEST.

>> YES, SHE DOES.

I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY SEE THAT.

>> AND THE BEST IS WHAT YOU'RE

GONNA GET FROM NOW ON.

ANTHONY...

LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU.

>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

>> SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> WELL, MANNY...

IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

>> SHE'LL FORGET ME WITHIN A

MONTH AFTER I'M DEAD.

>> PEOPLE AREN'T LIKE FURNITURE.

THEY'RE NOT THAT EASY TO

REPLACE.

>> REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU?

YOU THINK YOU CAN DO IT?

YEAH, ARE YOU SURE?

ARE YOU SURE? OK. I'M GONNA GO

OVER THERE AND YOU COME OVER TO

ME AND SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, OK?

>> OK.

>> OK.

OK. READY? COME ON OVER.

>> I THINK WE HAVE AN EXPERT.

I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD.

NOW YOU KNOW, THE RING BEARER,

THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT JOB.

>> OK.

>> YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

>> HELL YEAH.

>> HELL YEAH? ALL RIGHT!

SO LISTEN TO ME THEN, WHY DON'T

YOU PRACTICE A LITTLE BIT MORE?

>> OK.

>> OK. KISSY KISS.

THANK YOU. GO.

YOUR MOM REALLY SHOULD SEE HIM

WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

>> OH, PLEASE DON'T START WITH

ME, CHRISTIAN. I'M HAVING A HARD

ENOUGH TIME AS IT IS.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET MARRIED,

BUT IF I DID, I WAS PRETTY SURE

THAT MY MOM WOULD STILL BE THERE

IF SHE WAS ALIVE.

>> SHE CALLED YOU AT LEAST?

>> YEAH. BUT MY DECISION IS

FINAL. SHE'S NOT INVITED.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA NEED

HER WHEN I'M GONE.

>> MAYBE. BUT I DON'T NEED HER

NOW. SHE'S BEEN REPLACED.

>> OH, YEAH?

>> YES. YOU GUYS ARE MY FAMILY.

>> WELL HEY THERE, BUDDY.

YOU WANNA GET IN THE MIDDLE

OF THIS? YOU DO?

ALL RIGHT.

>> OH, LITTLE WILBER SANDWICH,

HUH? LITTLE HUG. COME ON,

SQUEEZE IT IN.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[INDISTINCT VOICES]

>> I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

>> HA HA HA!

>> KEEP SMOKING AND KEEP GOING.

>> CHRISTIAN, IF YOU'D HAVE PUT

THE MONEY YOU SCORED THIS WEED

WITH TOWARD THE BILL, WE'D

MADE THE PAYMENT.

>> WELL...ALL WE HEAR IS...

[COUGHING]

>> OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ON THE

CAMERA, GUYS. WE'LL ALL BE IN

THE DARK.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL

AND BE A PEDIATRICIAN ONCE...

>> FEELS LIKE I'M LOSING

EVERYONE.

>> BABY, BABY!

>> I WAS OUT OF FOCUS.

I'M SETTING IT ON THE RIGHT.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

>> I PROMISE THAT YOU WON'T LOSE

ME.

>> CHRISTIAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT

OUT OF YOUR LIFE?

>> I KNOW THAT I CAN'T REPLACE

THEM. BUT THAT'S THE BEST I HAVE

TO OFFER.

>> IT'S A LOT.

>> AND A KICKING-ASS PRACTICE

WITH SEAN WHERE WE MAKE WOMEN

FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

>> I WANT YOU.

>> AWW...

>> I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE'S LIVES

BETTER. I WANT TO MAKE A

DIFFERENCE.