Original subtitles

>> PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...

>> MARRIED?

WHAT KIND OF A JOKE IS THIS?

>> THIS ISN'T A JOKE, CHRISTIAN.

MATT AND I EXCHANGED OUR VOWS

3 DAYS AGO.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE PREGNANT.

>> YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

>> YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE,

WHICH IS WHY I AM LEAVING.

>> WHAT ABOUT JENNA?

>> JENNA WILL BE AT RAM'S

WITH THE NANNY, AND THAT'S WHERE

SHE WILL BE STAYING WHEN I AM

NOT WITH HER.

>> MR. McNAMARA?

I'M COLLEEN ROSE. YOU HAVE

A VERY NATURALISTIC PROCESS.

>> SEANIE, I NEED YOU TOMORROW

MORNING, 6 A.M. RESHOOT.

>> EXCUSE ME.

>> NO, EXCUSE ME.

I'M FREDDY PRUNE, EXECUTIVE

PRODUCER AND CREATIVE

AT HEARTSAND SCALPELS,

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

>> AND I'M SEAN'S AGENT.

NEXT WEEK YOU HAVE A NUDE SCENE.

>> BUT IT'S UNDIGNIFIED--

>> I TOLD THAT FREDDY,

FORGET IT! YOU GET TO KEEP THAT

SCRUMPTIOUS WEENIE OF YOURS

UNDER WRAPS.

HEY, COOKIE.

GOT US SOME JAMBA JUICE.

I'VE GOT BANANA BERRY

OR RAZMATAZRAZZMATAZZ

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

>> EDEN, RIGHT? ARE YOU LOOKING

FOR SEAN? I THINK HE'S HANGING

OUT WITH THE EXTRAS,

SOMEWHERE...

>> NO, ACTUALLY, I TOOK

THE STUDIO TOUR AND SNUCK AWAY.

I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED IF THE BIG

STARS HAVE BEDS IN THEIR

TRAILER.

>> I AM BIG, DARLING.

>> [MOANING]

OH, DO WE HAVE ENOUGH TIME?

>> OH, THEY'LL WAIT. I RUN THIS

SHOW. IN FACT, I RUN THE WHOLE

GODDAMN NETWORK.

>> IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?

>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY I'M HERE.

>> SEAN McNAMARA!

YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE

THE NEW STAR OF HEARTS AND

SCALPELS, THAT'S WHY

YOU'RE HERE!

>> WHAT?

>> YOU PUT THAT LITTLE BITCH UP

TO IT TO SET ME UP!

>> I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF

A SURGERY HERE.

>> HI, SEAN. WE'RE CAA,

AND WE WANT TO BE IN

THE SEAN McNAMARA BUSINESS.

>> YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY

MY STAR! NOT TAKE AWAY MY SEAN.

>> [MUFFLED GROANING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

COLLEEN? I'M CALLING 9-1-1.

>> I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

>> I'D RATHER STICK WITH

THE COLD PHONE CALL.

[GASPING]

>> I WANT TO LOOK YOUNGER,

LIKE I DID WHEN WE MET.

THAT'S KIND OF WHAT NEW YORK'S

ABOUT, TOO.

>> NEW YORK?

>> I ACCEPTED A POSITION AT

NYU'S TEACHING HOSPITAL.

WE'RE MOVING BACK IN 3 WEEKS.

>> SEAN, SHE'S IN V-TAC.

HER RATE'S 150.

>> CALL 9-1-1.

WE LOST HER. OLIVIA'S DEAD.

>> NEW YORK'S GONNA BE

SO STRANGE WITHOUT HER NOW.

>> YOU'RE STILL GOING?

>> MM-HMM.

>> LIZ?

>> YEAH?

>> CAN YOU STAY AWHILE?

JUST UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP?

>> [MOANING]

I'M NOT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

>> WELL, YOU ARE KIND OF.

I MEAN...NOT REALLY,

BUT SORT OF.

>> CHRISTIAN, I DON'T LIKE MEN.

I LIKE YOU.

>> I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

MOST OF THE TIME YOU DRIVE ME

BATSHIT, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY

WOMAN I REALLY TRUST.

>> SEAN...

CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT

SOMETHING?

>> LIZ WON'T BE COMING OVER

TONIGHT. SHE RESIGNED.

SHE'S MOVING BACK TO MIAMI.

>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF, MR. SKERRITT.

>> THE SIZE OF MY PENIS.

>> A PENIS ENLARGEMENT, GREAT.

>> NOT AN ENLARGEMENT,

A REDUCTION. I'VE GOT

A TYRANNOSAURUS PRICK.

I'M A YOGA INSTRUCTOR,

AND A FEW MONTHS AGO I WAS

AT A RETREAT UP IN BIG SUR.

IT WAS 6 WEEKS, INTENSIVE,

MY BODY REALLY STARTED TO OPEN

UP. AND ONE DAY I WAS IN PLOW,

AND I JUST STARTED SINKING

DEEPER AND DEEPER--

>> SO WAS YOUR PENIS PROHIBITING

YOU FROM ACHIEVING CERTAIN

POSES?

>> NO.

I CAN'T STOP SUCKING ON IT.

>> YOU MEAN METAPHORICALLY?

>> NO, I MEAN, I SPEND ALMOST

ALL DAY IN MY APARTMENT

WITH MY DICK IN MY MOUTH.

>> OH.

>> GIANT PENIS PLUS INCREDIBLE

FLEXIBILITY EQUALS THE BEST BLOW

JOB YOU HAVE EVER HAD.

>> SELF FELLATIO,

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

>> MR. SKERRITT, THAT'S NOT--

>> NO, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU CAN--YOU CAN DO THAT?

>> I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB.

AND FORGET ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP,

BECAUSE NOBODY GETS ME OFF

THE WAY I CAN.

YOU GUYS HAVE TO HELP ME.

I SPEND ALMOST EVERY WAKING HOUR

WITH MYSELF.

I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE.

BUT, IT'S A GODDAMN CURSE.

>> DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD

MAYBE SEE A THERAPIST? YOU KNOW,

TO DEAL WITH YOUR COMPULSIVE

BEHAVIOR?

>> I'VE TRIED SHRINKS. I EVEN

TRIED THE DRUGS THEY PRESCRIBE.

BUT NOTHING IS AS STRONG

AS THE IMPULSE.

LOOK, YOU GUYS STAPLE FATTY'S

STOMACHS SO THEY WON'T EAT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

>> WELL, THE DIFFERENCE IS

THERE'S NO KNOWN SURGERY FOR

A PENIS REDUCTION.

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW THAT

PROCEDURE MIGHT NOT BE IN

HIGH DEMAND.

>> SO, UM...

HOW MANY INCHES DO YOU WANT

TO LOSE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

JUST ENOUGH SO I'D HAVE TO BREAK

MY BACK TO GET A TASTE.

[GRUNTING]

2 INCHES?

>> WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TO RESEARCH SOME OPTIONS

AND GET BACK TO YOU.

>> JUST DO IT QUICK.

I'M DESPERATE, MAN.

WILL YOU STOP WITH

THE JUDGMENTAL LOOKS? DON'T TELL

ME YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER TRIED IT.

>> THAT CLOSE.

WHAT?

>> * MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL

MAKE ME

THE PERFECT SOUL

A PERFECT MIND

A PERFECT FACE

A PERFECT

LIE *

>> LET ME BE CLEAR, KIMMY.

I WILL NEVER, EVER DO ANOTHER

SURGERY ON YOU AGAIN.

>> WELL, THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE

I LOOK AND FEEL FANTASTIC

THESE DAYS. I'M NOT THE ONE

WHO NEEDS THE TOUCH-UP.

SHE DOES.

HELLO.

>> OH, I SEE. SO YOU'VE GONE

FROM STUPID TO COMPLETELY

INSANE.

>> MAKE FUN OF ME ALL YOU WANT,

GRANDPA, BUT THANKS TO MY

TIRELESS DEVOTION, YOUR

GRANDDAUGHTER HAS JUST BEEN

SIGNED TO THE HOTTEST BABY

MODELING AGENCY IN TOWN.

BUT IN ORDER TO BOOK

THE HIGH-END CAMPAIGNS,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT HER MOUTH.

>> HER MOUTH?

>> THE STEVES, HER AGENTS--

STEVE MEYER AND STEVE FREEDMAN

SAID SHE WAS PERFECTION, RIGHT?

OTHER THAN HER THIN, VILLAINOUS

LIPS. WHICH SHE DID NOT GET FROM

MY SIDE, BY THE WAY, SO IT HAD

TO HAVE COME FROM THAT WITCH.

JULIA.

>> HEY, LINDA, DO YOU MIND STOP

PRACTICING YOUR PUTTING AND GET

YOUR BUTT IN HERE, PLEASE?

>> ARE YOU GONNA GIVE HER

THE INJECTIONS RIGHT NOW?

WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

[DOOR OPENS]

>> LOVE OF MY LIFE. WOULD YOU DO

ME A FAVOR AND TAKE LITTLE

JENNA, AND GIVE HER A FRUIT

BOWL? COME HERE, YOU SWEET

LITTLE THING. OH, MY GOODNESS.

AREN'T YOU SO SWEET? WHY DON'T

YOU GO WITH HER WHILE I HAVE

A LITTLE CHAT WITH

JOAN CRAWFORD.

>> I KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE ISSUES

WITH THIS!

>> THERE IS NOT A PLASTIC

SURGEON ALIVE WHO WOULD OPERATE

ON A BABY, INCLUDING ME.

>> THERE ARE A NUMBER OF PLASTIC

SURGEONS RIGHT HERE IN BEVERLY

HILLS WHO DO WORK ON BABIES.

>> REALLY?

NAME ONE.

>> I DON'T KNOW THEIR NAMES,

BUT I KNOW THAT THE STEVES REFER

ALL THEIR CLIENTS TO THEM.

THEY DO RESTYLANE, BOTOX, LIPO.

>> KIMBER, GET OUT.

>> ANSWER ME THIS, CHRISTIAN,

WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR HER COLLEGE

EDUCATION?

YOUR SON, THAT ZERO?

>> YOU TOUCH ONE FLAXEN HAIR

ON THE HEAD OF THAT BABY,

AND I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL GET

CUSTODY OF JENNA.

>> CHRISTIAN...

YOU AND I HAVE GONE TO SUCH

TRAGIC LENGTHS TO FEEL LOVED

BECAUSE WE WEREN'T VALUED

AS CHILDREN.

>> [SCOFFS]

>> NOW, I AM DETERMINED TO GIVE

OUR JENNA A SHOT AT FEELING

SPECIAL, AND TO DEVELOP HER

SENSE OF SELF AND HER VALUE.

AND I WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH

TO GIVE THAT TO HER, BECAUSE

NOBODY DID THAT FOR ME.

SO ARE YOU--ARE YOU ON BOARD

WITH THAT?

>> [SCOFFS]

>> [EXHALES]

>> BOTOX ON A BABY?

>> UH-HUH.

>> IT'S CRIMINAL. YOU NEED

TO GO TALK TO THOSE MODELING

AGENTS.

>> KIMBER WOULD NEVER TOUCH

JENNA NOW, TRUST ME. I'LL PUT

THE FEAR OF GOD IN HER.

>> WELL, IT'S NOT JUST FOR

JENNA. YOU HAVE A MORAL

OBLIGATION TO FIND OUT THE NAMES

OF THE QUACKS THEY'RE USING

BEFORE THEY HURT ANY MORE KIDS.

>> FINE! YOU FIGURE OUT HOW

TO TURTLE MR. SKERRITT'S DONG,

AND I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

>> WELL, THE PRINCIPAL WOULD

JUST BE THE INVERSE OF

THE FUNDITORY AND SUSPENSE

RELIGAMENT RELEASE WE DO

FOR A PENIS ENLARGEMENT.

>> MAKES SENSE. TIGHTEN THE

LIGAMENTS, SHRINK THE WANG.

>> YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IF LIZ WERE HERE,

SHE'D BE GIVING US A LECTURE

RIGHT NOW ABOUT

HOW MR. SKERRITT'S

COMPULSIVE SELF-FELLATING

IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF OUR

NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY.

>> TELL ME ABOUT IT. ISN'T IT

NICE NOT TO HEAR HER VAGINA

MONOLOGUES ANYMORE? I TELL YOU,

SCREW LIZ. SHE WALKED OUT ON US.

>> NO, SHE WALKED OUT ON YOU.

HOW CAN SOMEONE AS SELF-INVOLVED

AS YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS IS ALL

YOUR FAULT?

>> I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY,

WHICH IS WHY I'M TAKING CARE

OF FINDING A REPLACEMENT.

I TALKED TO A HEADHUNTER

YESTERDAY, AND HE'S ALREADY SENT

OVER A STACK OF RESUMES.

>> UH-HUH. AND WHAT

QUALIFICATIONS DID YOU GIVE HIM?

MUST HAVE BIG TITS

AND A WILLINGNESS TO GIVE

BLOW JOBS?

NO. YOU PUT THE RESUMES ON MY

DESK, OK? I'M NOT GETTING STUCK

WITH SOME MEDIOCRE DOCTOR JUST

BECAUSE SHE HAPPENS TO BE

A NICE PIECE OF ASS.

[CLEARS THROAT]

UM, WELL...

LET'S, UH...

[MURMURING]

UH, IF I MAY ASK, THEODORA...

>> CALL MY TEDDY.

>> TEDDY...

WHO IS HARLEY?

>> THAT'S MY HOG.

[LAUGHS] IT'S A MOTORCYCLE.

I RACE IN THE DESERT.

>> OH. THAT WOULD EXPLAIN

THE MOTTO ON YOUR OTHER ARM.

>> [LAUGHS]

I GOT THAT AFTER A WILD NIGHT

AT COACHELLA. MMM.

>> AND HOW DO YOUR PATIENTS

REACT TO THESE UPLIFTING

TATTOOS?

>> I'VE ONLY EVER GOTTEN

COMPLAINTS FROM OTHER

PHYSICIANS. UPTIGHT OLD FARTS.

>> YEAH.

WELL, DR. ROWE--AHEM--

YOU CERTAINLY LIKE TO LIVE

DANGEROUSLY.

>> MMM, I LIKE TO LIVE, PERIOD.

LOOK, I AM VERY GOOD AT WHAT

I DO. TO GET THIS JOB, DO I NEED

PERMISSION FROM YOU TO BE

WHO I AM? IF SO, LET ME KNOW

NOW. I'M OUT THE DOOR.

>> UH, YOU WERE FIRST IN YOUR

CLASS AT UCLA?

>> I CHEATED.

KIDDING.

>> [BOTH CHUCKLE]

>> I JUST HAPPEN TO PICK THINGS

UP PRETTY FAST.

>> YOU'RE LUCKY.

>> MAYBE. MAYBE I JUST GET BORED

QUICKLY.

>> I SEE. SO...WHAT GUARANTEE

DO I HAVE THAT YOU'LL STAY

IF WE HIRE YOU?

>> [LAUGHS] THERE ARE NO

GUARANTEES IN LIFE, DOCTOR.

BUT I DO PROMISE IF I TAKE

THE JOB, I WILL ONLY TAKE IT

IF I FIND THE PLACE INTERESTING.

>> MM-HMM. AND, UH, HOW--

HOW DO WE SEEM SO FAR?

>> SO FAR, SO GOOD.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

>> UH, YOUR VITAE IS CERTAINLY

OUTSTANDING, SO--

>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

ANYTHING ELSE YOU FIND

INTERESTING?

>> WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME?

>> [LAUGHS]

I AM.

>> OH, MY. SHE SAID GRANDDADDY

HAD GOOD GENES, BUT WE'RE

TALKING EXTRA SPECIAL GENES.

>> [CHUCKLES] I DON'T KNOW IF

KIMBER'S FILLED YOU IN, BUT

SHE'S GETTING IN ON THE GROUND

FLOOR OF A BILLION DOLLAR

INDUSTRY--MAKE-UP, ACCESSORIES,

AND OF COURSE, FASHION.

ARMANI, GUCCI. EVERYBODY WANTS

IN, EVERYBODY'S PAYING.

WE THINK JENNA CAN BE THE NEXT

BABY CINDY CRAWFORD.

>> SO WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK

ABOUT CHANGING HER?

>> DR. TROY, IN THEATRICAL

PARLANCE, JENNA HAS THIN,

VILLAINOUS LIPS.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT LOOK

ON BABIES. THEY LIKE FULL,

BEE-STUNG, SENSUAL LIPS.

>> THAT IS REALLY SICK.

>> TRY TO THINK OF IT

IN ANOTHER WAY. YOU WERE

CIRCUMCISED, I PRESUME?

WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF SCARRED

OR TRAUMATIZED BY THAT

PROCEDURE? PROBABLY WHAT SCARRED

YOU WAS MORE ABOUT BEING

MISUNDERSTOOD OR UNLOVED

BY YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ANSWER, STEVE,

THAT'S VERY GOOD. HA HA HA.

SO WHO YOU GO TO, BABY PLASTIC

SURGEONS? I'M CURIOUS IF I KNOW

ANY OF THEM.

>> WE DON'T DISCLOSE THAT

INFORMATION.

>> I'M--I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT WE

CAME HERE TODAY BECAUSE YOU'RE

INTERESTED IN JENNA'S FUTURE.

>> RIGHT, YEP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

>> IT'S THE BABY DIOR PEOPLE.

THEY WANT TO BOOK LITTLE AMBER

FOR THE FALL COLLECTION.

>> MMM!

>> HELLO, MARY, WE'RE THRILLED.

WHAT'S THE OFFER?

WE'RE LOOKING FOR 5 DIGITS,

MARY. 10,000 A DAY.

>> 10,000! I HAD TO DO ANAL FOR

THAT KIND OF MONEY.

>> A LIMO WITH A FULLY STOCKED

BAR FOR MOM AND ALL WARDROBE

BECOMES PROPERTY OF BABY AMBER.

LOVE YOU, MARY. STEVIE SENDS

KISSES. SO...WHERE WERE WE?

>> WHAT TYPE OF AUGMENTATION DID

BABY AMBER RECEIVE?

>> SHE WAS A SCOWLER.

THERE'S CUTE CRYING, YOU KNOW,

WITH THE TENDER LITTLE TEARS,

AND THEN THERE'S ANGRY, SCOWLY

CRYING. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT.

SO SHE WAS GIVEN A LITTLE

BENADRYL LOLLY TO KEEP HER CALM,

AND 4 UNITS OF BOTOX.

>> SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

BEFORE THE BOTOX.

SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL NOW.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, NOW HER

COLLEGE FUND IS FULL.

>> [LAUGHS]

>> HEY, STEVES, COULD YOU TELL

CHRISTIAN HOW HORRIBLE

AND DEMEANING CATALOG WORK IS?

YOU KNOW, THE KIND THAT YOU SAID

THAT JENNA WOULD ONLY BOOK IF

SHE DIDN'T DO THE LIP FILLER.

>> IT ONLY PAYS ABOUT 275

A DAY. AND BE PREPARED TO WAIT

IN HALLWAYS WITH A SEA OF SNOTTY

TOTS AND POORLY-GROOMED MOMS.

>> HMM.

I'M ONTO YOU GUYS.

>> HMM?

>> WHY ACTUALLY GO OUT

AND HUSTLE WHEN YOU CAN BEAT

THE COMPETITION WITH CHEMICALS?

COME ON, KIMMY.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

WE ARE NOT SHARING JENNA'S

FORTUNE WITH THESE LAZY

SCUMBAGS. I'LL BE HER MANAGER.

>> GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

>> OH, SEAN BEAR!

[MOANING]

OH!

OH...

OH, MAN.

I COULD USE A CIGARETTE RIGHT

NOW. OR A JAMBA JUICE.

>> YOU'RE INSATIABLE, COLLEEN.

>> YOU'RE WHAT FILLS ME UP,

SEANIE BEAR. YOU, AND YOUR

SCRUMPTIOUS, SUPER-SIZED WEENIE.

>> OH. [CHUCKLES]

LET'S DO IT ONE MORE TIME BEFORE

WE EAT, OK? I'M GONNA MAKE YOU

HIT AN E FLAT. THEN YOU CAN

RUN OUT TO HOOTERS, YOU CAN PICK

ME UP SOME HOT WINGS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

>> OH, HOOTERS. OH, MY GOD.

>> YEAH?

>> AIDAN, THIS IS INSANE.

>> I KNOW. I WROTE THE SHIT

OUT OF THAT SCRIPT.

>> NO, NO, NO. IT'S COMPLETELY

INACCURATE. I NEVER SLEPT WITH

COLLEEN.

>> OH, THAT'S ARTISTIC LICENSE,

DUDE. IT'S CALLED INCREASING THE

STAKES, RAISING THE DRAMA.

WHAT WE'RE DOING IS WE'RE TAKING

THE VIEWER ON A JOURNEY, SEAN.

KEEP READING,

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

>> [CHUCKLES]

>> NO, JULIA. I SAID NO,

GODDAMNIT! YES, I SCREWED A HOT

TEEN, BUT I'M NOT LOSING

MY CHILDREN OVER IT.

THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL GET CUSTODY

OVER MY CHILDREN IS OVER

MY DEAD BODY, WOMAN!

DAMNIT!

[GROANING]

OH, WHY, WHY?!

[SOBBING]

HEY, CHRISTIAN, I DIDN'T SEE YOU

THERE, BUDDY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY, PARTNER?

ROUGH ONE, HUH? YEAH, ME TOO.

OH, I GOT A FACE TRANSPLANT

AT 7 A.M. I BETTER HIT THE SACK.

DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE.

>> YOU KILLED CHRISTIAN?

>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH

HIS CHARACTER ANYMORE.

>> [WHISTLING]

[GASPS]

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

COLLEEN!

OH, MY--

>> I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING,

COOKIE.

>> OH--AH!

>> HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME

FOR THE CIA?!

>> THE CIA? I LEFT COLLEEN

FOR CAA!

>> I KNOW. HOW COOL IS IT THAT

I MADE YOU A SPY?

WHAT'S THE BIG DIFF, ANYWAY?

CIA, CAA. COME ON, THEY'RE BOTH

BIG AND SCARY AND THEY THINK

THEY RULE THE WORLD.

>> NO. I'M NOT SELLING YOU

THE RIGHTS TO MY STORY, NO WAY.

>> LOOK, SEAN. YOU OWE ME, DUDE.

EVER SINCE I GOT OUT OF SEX

REHAB BECAUSE OF YOUR LITTLE

SET UP WITH EDEN--

>> HEY, LOOK, I DIDN'T

SET YOU UP--

>> DON'T EVEN GO THERE, SEAN.

DON'T EVEN GO THERE. NEXT THING

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET A JOB.

FREDDY REPLACES ME WITH

RICKY SCHROEDER. I AM DEPRESSED.

AND I SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,

SCREW HIM, I'M COSTNER, MAN.

I'M A TRIPLE THREAT. I WRITE

THIS SCRIPT ON SPEC, LIFETIME.

THE NETWORK PICKS IT UP.

THE FAIRCHILD ATTACHES HERSELF

TO PLAY COLLEEN. COME ON, SEAN!

THIS IS MY COMEBACK! DEADLY

TIGHTROPE: THE SEAN McNAMARA

STORY. [SIGHS] IT'S MY DANCES

WITH WOLVES, MAN.

>> NO.

>> I'M GIVING MYSELF TO YOU,

SEAN. I'M SACRIFICING MYSELF

FOR YOU. I'M UNARMED. WHAT ARE

WE GOING TO DO? WE'RE GONNA KILL

SOME INDIANS?

>> AIDAN? NO.

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO KILL THEM,

NO. WE'RE GOING TO HELP THEM.

YOU'RE GOING TO READ IT.

JUST READ IT, SEAN. JUST READ

THE WHOLE THING. THE ENDING'S

AMAZING.

THEN WE'LL TALK. I'LL CALL YOU

IN THE A.M., OR YOU CALL ME.

I'LL LET YOU SLEEP ON IT.

I LOVE YOU. SEE YA.

[BABIES CHATTERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

>> MAYBE SHE NEEDS SOME FOOD.

WE'VE BEEN HERE OVER AN HOUR.

>> NO, I'VE FED HER TWICE

ALREADY. I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP

HER FROM NAPPING. SHE'S HOT.

HONEY, DO YOU WANNA PLAY PATTY

CAKE? NO?

>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXCUSE ME, MISS? MISS, EXCUSE

ME. WHY DID THAT LADY JUST GO

STRAIGHT IN THERE?

WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE NOON.

>> SHE HAD AN APPOINTMENT.

>> AN APPOINTMENT! WE HAD

AN APPOINTMENT AN HOUR AGO.

>> YOU'RE NOT WITH THE STEVES,

ARE YOU? THEY ALWAYS GET IN

FIRST.

[BABIES CHATTERING]

>> OH, THAT IS BULLSHIT!

COME ON, KIMBER, WE'RE GOING IN.

LET'S GO. GET THE KID,

WE'RE GOING IN.

>> I'M SORRY, SIR, WE STILL HAVE

ONE MORE MOM WE'RE WAITING FOR--

>> LISTEN, LADY. THEY'RE NOT

GOING TO GET THE JOB. WE ARE.

HMM?

>> WOW. THIS IS SO HOLLYWOOD.

SEE, HONEY, LOOK. THAT'S CALLED

A FAKE BEACH.

>> HI. I'M CHRISTIAN TROY.

I'M THE LITTLE STARLET'S MANAGER

AND THIS IS KIMBER HENRY,

HER MOTHER.

>> NEXT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

HAVE RECEPTION SHOW

THE NEXT ONE IN.

>> IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S TOO FAT?

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T NEED TO EAT

THE DAY OF THE SHOOT.

>> YOU CAN'T JUST DISMISS US

LIKE THAT. SHE'S THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL GIRL YOU'VE SEEN

ALL DAY.

>> 'FRAID NOT.

THANKS FOR COMIN'.

>> THIS THING'S FOR THOSE

SUNGLASSES, RIGHT? OVER HERE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, COME ON, SWEETIE.

SHOW THIS LADY. HEY, LOOK,

THE KID IS A STAR. HUH?

>> YOU WANT THE HONEST TRUTH?

COVER HER EARS, SWEETIE.

YOU'LL NEVER GET HER A NATIONAL

CAMPAIGN. NOT WITH THOSE THIN,

VILLAINOUS LIPS.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[OH YEAH BY YELLO PLAYING]

>> * OH, YEAH,

OH, YEAH,

OH, YEAH *

>> THAT'S MY JOB.

>> SINCE WHEN IS THE

ANESTHESIOLOGIST NOT ALLOWED

TO SEE THE PATIENT'S BODY?

>> I WOULD JUST PREFER IT IF WE

FOLLOWED PROTOCOL.

>> OH, MY GOD IN HEAVEN!

LINDA, GET OVER HERE.

>> LINDA, YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE

YOU ARE. TEDDY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> WHY WOULD A GUY WRITE "NAM"

ON HIS DICK? HE LOOKS WAY TOO

YOUNG TO HAVE EVER SERVED OVER

THERE.

>> [SIGHS]

WELL...

IT DOESN'T SAY "NAM," OK?

>> NAMASTE.

>> NAMASTE HOME AT NIGHT

AND PLAY WITH THAT THING,

OH, YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> I'VE GOTTA GET A PICTURE

OF THIS FIRST.

>> NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

THAT'S UNETHICAL.

>> THEN I WON'T ASK YOU TO TAKE

IT. YOU DO IT, LINDA.

>> IT'S NOT FUNNY, TEDDY.

>> OH, SEAN, RELAX. NO ONE

WILL FIND OUT. OK.

>> AH, GIVE ME THAT.

>> NOW I KNOW WHY LINDA SAID

THE OTHER GUY'S THE FUN ONE.

>> FINE.

I'LL GET IN THERE. YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT A TIGHT ASS, YOU KNOW?

I CAN KICK BACK.

>> UH-HUH. STRETCH IT OUT.

I'LL DO IT.

>> OK, THAT'S GREAT. FANTASTIC.

COME ON, SMILE. GET DOWN,

OH, YEAH. OH, GUYS, THAT'S

FANTASTIC. I LOVE THAT ONE. OH,

MY GOD. ONE MORE. COME ON,

JUST--

>> HOLY SHIT! WHOA! TAKE ONE OF

ME WITH THAT MONSTER!

>> AIDAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING HERE?!

>> I'M SHADOWING YOU, BRO.

FOR THE MOVIE.

>> PERFECT.

>> OH, WAIT, GET ONE OF ME WITH

MY LIPS ON IT. WAIT, MAYBE THAT

WOULD MAKE ME GAY.

>> WE JUST TOOK A PICTURE

FOR OUR MEDICAL RECORDS, OK?

>> OH, ALL RIGHT. BUT WHAT IS

HE? IS HE LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK?

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

IT.

>> A YOGI, ADDICTED TO SUCKING

HIMSELF OFF.

>> WOW. GOD, IF I COULD DO THAT,

I SWEAR, I WOULD NEVER WATCH TV.

HEY, LET'S SEE HOW LONG

IT CAN GET.

>> THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> DON'T--DON'T--YOU'RE

SUFFOCATING HIM. OH, HEY, DID

YOU READ THE SCRIPT YET?

THE LAST SCENE?

>> I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT

INTERESTED IN HAVING A MOVIE

MADE ABOUT MY LIFE. AND THAT

SCRIPT IS FULL OF LIES.

>> WELL, SO WHAT? COME ON,

AT THE END OF IT, YOU COME OUT

LOOKING AMAZING, SEAN. THE LAST

SCENE, SEAN, WHEN YOU READ IT,

YOU'RE THE HERO. YOU OFF

COLLEEN, YOU SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER.

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE COULD YOU

WANT?

>> AND DON'T FORGET THE NUCLEAR

BOMB UNDER THE OPERATING TABLE.

>> THAT'S--YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

>> MMM.

>> EASY LIFT.

>> THAT'S IT.

>> WELL, IT'S AN EASY LIFT.

>> NO, THIS NEGOTIATION IS OVER.

THAT'S IT. OUT, OUT.

>> WHAT?

WELL...

YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T LIKE

YOUR FANCY COSTUMES, ANYWAY.

AND YOUR--AND YOUR MEDICAL

JARGON, YOUR FANCY TALKS.

DOESN'T EVEN FIT ME!

NONE OF THIS FITS ME!

>> I'M GONNA SCRUB UP.

PREP HIM.

[JENNA CHATTERING]

>> [EXHALES]

>> COLLAGEN'S A NATURAL

SUBSTANCE. I MEAN, BABIES GET

THEIR EARS PIERCED, RIGHT?

I MEAN, DO YOU CONSIDER THAT

CHILD ABUSE? NO. COME ON,

DO IT.

>> [SCOFFS]

>> [JENNA CHATTERING]

>> NO. I'M NOT DOING THIS.

[OPENS DOOR]

>> YOU ARE A STUPID WIMP JUST

LIKE YOUR PATHETIC SON.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

>> [JENNA CHATTERING]

>> TO BABY JENNA.

>> TO BABY BURBERRY.

>> TO MY NEW BEST FRIENDS.

RIGHT?

CHEERS.

[GLASSES CLINKING]

>> [GROANING]

>> WHOA, DUDE.

WATCH IT, YOU'RE GONNA STRAIN

YOUR MILK, BUDDY.

>> OH, IT'S OK. STRETCHING

HELPS THE CIRCULATION.

I'LL HEAL UP FASTER.

HMM. ARE YOU HERE TO CHECK

MY STITCHES?

>> UM...

[CHUCKLES]

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT I'M NOT REALLY A DOCTOR.

>> OH, OK. I'M SORRY.

WHO ARE YOU?

>> GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE

ASHRAM, BUDDY. WATCH SOME

TELEVISION. SERIOUSLY.

>> I CAN'T. I DON'T OWN ONE.

>> YOU--NEITHER WOULD I IF I

WERE SWINGING YOUR CLUB.

OH...

>> I GUESS DOCTOR-PATIENT

CONFIDENTIALITY DOESN'T MEAN

SHIT AROUND HERE.

>> NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE

RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOUR DOCTOR, SEAN

McNAMARA, NARCISSISTIC PRICK.

YEAH. HE'S A RUINER OF LIVES.

I'VE OBSERVED THIS FIRSTHAND.

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING HIM IN

ANTICIPATION OF A TELEVISION

EVENT I'M ABOUT TO FILM.

I WAS THERE WHEN HE SNAPPED

A PHOTO OF YOUR SUPER DICK.

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH, HE DID.

I AM A PHENOMENAL ACTOR.

AND EVEN I COULDN'T HIDE MY

DISTASTE AT HIS DESPICABLE

ACTIONS.

>> WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!

>> WHY WOULD HE? THAT'S A GREAT

QUESTION. I DON'T KNOW,

WHY WOULD HE? IS HE JEALOUS?

IS HE?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> IS HE JEALOUS

OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN GIFT,

YOUR BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL GIFT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S POSSIBLE.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

>> OK...

DOES HE STILL HAVE THE PICTURES?

>> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY,

I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I AM ON YOUR SIDE. WE ARE

GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

WE'RE GONNA FIGURE--YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

>> NO, WHAT?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO CASH IN.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU GUYS TAKE

A VOW OF POVERTY OR SOMETHING,

RIGHT? ALL YOU OWN

IS A PAIR OF SWEATY SHORTS

AND AN INCENSE BURNER,

AM I RIGHT?

CASH IN!

>> OH, MY GOD. I SHOULD

GET A LAWYER.

>> YES, YES! YOU SHOULD GET

A LAWYER. YOU SHOULD GET

A LAWYER, YOU SHOULD SUE

THE PANTS OFF THEM.

NOW TEACH ME HOW YOU DID IT,

MYAGI.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

>> ...YOUR HANDS ON IT,

LOOKS GOOD.

>> AND THE ARMS. [CHUCKLING]

>> PUT DOWN THAT COFFEE CUP.

YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> YOU'RE FIRED.

>> YOU CAN'T FIRE HER.

>> I CAN DO WHATEVER I GODDAMN

LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO VIOLATING

THE RULES OF THE AMERICAN BOARD.

ONE OF WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE

TAKING PORNOGRAPHIC PHOTOGRAPHS

OF A PATIENT UNDER ANESTHESIA.

I JUST GOT AN EARFUL FROM SUCK

ME OFF IN THERE, AND HE'S

THREATENING TO GET A LAWYER.

>> AIDAN.

>> SO YOU DID. YOU ACTUALLY TOOK

A SEARS FAMILY PICTURE

OF YOU TWO AND THAT GUY'S DICK.

THAT IS JUST NOT FUNNY.

>> YES, IT IS.

>> NO, IT'S NOT!

>> LOOK, IT WAS TERRIBLE WHAT WE

DID, OK? WE WEREN'T THINKING.

BUT IT WASN'T MEANT FOR

PUBLICATION. WE WERE JUST TRYING

TO RELIEVE THE STRESS OF BEING

SNAKE-WRANGLERS.

>> [BOTH CHUCKLING]

>> WHEN DID I BECOME

THE RESPONSIBLE ONE? DO YOU

REALIZE HOW UGLY THIS COULD GET?

>> OH, RELAX, THERE IS NO

EVIDENCE. I ERASED

ALL THE PICTURES.

THIS GUY IS A YOGA TEACHER.

HE LIVES OFF CANNED LENTILS.

THROW HIM A BONE.

HE'LL LEAVE HERE THINKING

HE WON THE LOTTERY.

>> I DON'T WANT TO RELAX,

SWEETHEART. OK? AND WHERE AM I

GONNA GET THIS BONE FROM?

PETTY CASH?

>> WE COULD SELL A PAIR

OF YOUR SHOES.

>> [CHUCKLES]

>> OH, YEAH, THAT'S REAL FUNNY.

YOU HIRED HER. YOU FIX THIS.

>> [BOTH LAUGHING]

>> THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> SORRY, IT IS.

>> IT IS, IT'S TERRIBLE.

WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.

>> SORRY.

>> [DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

>> YOU EATEN YET?

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT

HERE. SO I WAS GONNA GRAB SOME

DINNER. YOU WANT TO COME?

>> NOPE. I ORDERED CHINESE

FOR ME.

>> OH, COME ON.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED. IT WAS STUPID

AND IMMATURE, AND HOW CAN I BE

TALKED INTO SOMETHING THAT WAS

JUST SO MUCH FUN?

HEY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

I CUT LOOSE? BEFORE JULIA LEFT?

OH.

MAYBE I'M JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO

GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HAVING FUN.

MAYBE YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE,

AND FUN JUST ISN'T WHAT LIFE'S

ABOUT. CERTAINLY HASN'T BEEN

WHAT MY LIFE'S ABOUT.

[DOOR OPENS]

>> WHAT THE--

>> HURTS, DOESN'T IT? PROBABLY

NOT AS BAD AS WHEN YOU STUCK

A NEEDLE INTO MY DAUGHTER'S

MOUTH!

>> JESUS.

>> WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG

WITH YOU?

>> OH, DON'T WORRY, IT'S STERILE

AND THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE CRAP

YOU SHOT INTO JENNA'S LIPS

SO SHE COULD SIGN SOME MODELING

CONTRACT.

>> DID YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT?

>> OH, OF COURSE NOT!

>> STOP LYING, MAN! I JUST

PICKED HER UP FROM A PLAY DATE

AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT

A DAMN INNERTUBE IN HER UPPER

LIP! THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER,

CHRISTIAN, HOW COULD YOU DO

THAT?

>> IT WASN'T ME, YOU ASSHOLE.

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT KIMBER?

WHERE'S YOUR PHONE?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD--

>> SHUT UP!

[DIALING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT, MATT?

I'M SHOPPING.

>> IT'S CHRISTIAN ON

SPEAKERPHONE WITH MATT SO HE CAN

HEAR. WHO THE HELL DID YOU GET

TO SHOOT UP MY GRANDDAUGHTER?

>> BOTH OF YOU NEED TO CALM

DOWN. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH JENNA. HER LIPS ARE FUN.

I'M THE ONE WHO GAVE HER

THE SHOT.

>> YOU DID WHAT?!

>> WELL, I'VE BEEN INJECTED

A THOUSAND TIMES. I KNOW

WHERE TO AIM AND I KNOW HOW HARD

TO SQUEEZE. IT'S COMPLETELY

SAFE. I SIMPLY BORROWED

THE SUPPLIES FROM CHRISTIAN

WHEN HE REFUSED TO DO IT,

AND NOW JENNA'S A STAR.

>> KIMBER, ALLEY CATS WHO DUMP

THEIR LITTERS IN GUTTERS

MAKE BETTER MOTHERS THAN YOU.

>> OH, WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU

SUE ME, MATT? OH, WAIT, ON

SECOND THOUGHT YOU BETTER NOT,

BECAUSE I'LL HAUL YOUR ASS INTO

COURT FOR THE MONTHS YOU'RE

BEHIND ON JENNA'S CHILD SUPPORT.

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP

AND SAY THANK YOU?

>> WHAT--THANK YOU FOR WHAT?

>> YOUR DAUGHTER IS ONLY

18 MONTHS OLD AND SHE'S ALREADY

MORE OF A SUCCESS THAN YOU'LL

EVER BE. BE GRATEFUL.

>> [SIGHS]

I'M SORRY I STABBED YOU.

>> DON'T POP ANY CHAMPAGNE CORKS

JUST YET, AIDAN. I'M NOT SAYING

YES. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW

WHAT THE NUMBERS MIGHT BE.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL CALL YOU.

AIDAN SAYS THEY'RE WILLING TO

PAY 300,000 FOR THE RIGHTS,

AND ANOTHER 50 TO CONSULT ON

THE PRODUCTION.

>> HOLY SHIT.

>> YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

IF YOU COULD HAVE READ THIS

SCRIPT, IT IS TERRIBLE.

>> SO HAVE THEM HIRE SOMEONE

ELSE TO REWRITE IT. OR DON'T,

WHO CARES?

>> I CARE. I MEAN, I DON'T WANT

MY IMAGE MISREPRESENTED.

I'VE PERFORMED SOME OF THE MOST

INTERESTING SURGERIES OF ALL

TIME.

>> OF ALL TIME?

SEAN, YOU SHOULD GO HANG OUT

WITH MR. SKERRITT, YOU TWO HAVE

SO MUCH IN COMMON. YOU BOTH LIKE

BLOWING YOURSELVES.

>> I DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO

THIS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

THE PRESSURES I'M UNDER.

TRYING TO RAISE 3 KIDS,

TRYING TO SAVE UP,

BUY A PLACE OF MY OWN.

>> AND YOU'RE WILLING TO TURN

DOWN $350,000? YOU WALK AROUND

HERE LIKE YOU HAVE A CAMERA ON

YOU, MR. PERFECT. THE DIRTY

SECRET IS, NO ONE CARES.

TAKE THE CASH, GIVE HALF OF IT

TO MANNY SKERRITT AND BLOW

THE REST ON A TRIP TO VEGAS.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW OTHER

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO REACT TO

YOU, AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

>> REALLY. IT'S THAT SIMPLE?

>> IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF.

>> [SCOFFS]

UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T

LIKE ABOUT L.A., BRO--

DOING 95 DOWN SUNSET'S

AGAINST THE LAW.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NECK,

AIDAN?

>> OH, HEH, FUNNY STORY.

I WAS, PHHTT, I WAS OUT BIRD

DOGGING WITH MY GREATEST BRO,

PATTY D...DEMPSEY. AND PAPARAZZI

STOPS US AT A STOPLIGHT,

AND THEN, UH, WE PEELED OUT WHEN

THE LIGHT CHANGED. GOT SOME

DISTANCE ON THOSE JERKS,

AND THEN, UH, PHHTT,

MY MASERATI HITS AN ICE PASS.

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,

WE'RE SLAMMED AGAINST A PHONE

POLL AT BEVERLY GLEN. SO WEIRD.

>> YOU HIT AN ICE PATCH

ON SUNSET BOULEVARD?

>> YEAH. YEP.

ANYWAY, BROKE MY NECK.

>> WAIT, DOES THIS MEAN THAT

DEADLY TIGHTROPE: THE SEAN

McNAMARA STORY IS NOT

HAPPENING? DO I HAVE TO GIVE

THE MONEY BACK?

>> JESUS, SEAN, IS IT ALWAYS

ABOUT YOU? I BROKE MY NECK.

THE PRODUCERS PUSHED THE START

DATE. IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD

THING FOR ME, BECAUSE I CAN

REWRITE THE SCRIPT AND, YOU

KNOW, MAKE IT BETTER, MORE

HONEST, MORE REAL. YOU KNOW, GET

RID OF ALL THAT BORING BULLSHIT

WITH THE--SNAPS--WHAT'S HER

NAME, UM...

>> JULIA?

>> JULIA AND THE KID.

LET'S MAKE IT MORE ABOUT MY

CHARACTER, YOU KNOW? REALLY

FLESH IT OUT. WORKSHOP IT.

>> SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

AIDAN?

>> WELL, I GET THESE THINGS OUT

TOMORROW, AND I KNOW THAT

THEY'RE GONNA LEAVE A NASTY SCAR

RIGHT AT MY TEMPLES.

>> WELL, THAT'S EASY. I THINK WE

CAN FIT YOU IN FRIDAY MORNING.

>> OH, GREAT. THAT'S PERF--

YEAH, I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

[EXHALES]

WHICH REMINDS ME, OH, UM...

UH...

UH, YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M UNDER,

YOU GUYS WOULDN'T MIND ADDING

A COUPLE INCHES IN MY PANTS?

>> YOU WANT A PENIS ENLARGEMENT?

>> WELL, UNLESS YOU CAN LENGTHEN

MY TONGUE. [LAUGHS]

>> YOU BROKE YOUR NECK TRYING TO

SUCK YOUR DICK, DIDN'T YOU?

>> [LAUGHS]

WHAT?

WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?

THAT'S--WHAT ARE YOU--

THAT'S JUST--[CHUCKLING]

I CAN'T KEEP THE CHARADE UP.

UM...

[SIGHS]

>> I WASN'T BIRD DOGGIN'.

THERE WAS NO ICE PATCH.

EVER SINCE MANNY SKERRITT TAUGHT

ME HOW TO PLEASURE MYSELF,

I'VE BEEN A MAN POSSESSED.

I HAVE GOTTEN SO CLOSE SO MANY

TIMES. BUT I JUST COULDN'T--

I JUST COULDN'T--I JUST COULDN'T

GET TO THE--YOU KNOW, I JUST

COULDN'T--I JUST WANTED TO GIVE

IT LITTLE BABY KISSES, THAT'S

ALL I WANTED. I DIDN'T ASK MUCH.

THEN WHAT HAPPENED? [SIGHS]

I FALL OF MY GODDAMN BED

AND I BREAK MY C2 VERTEBRAE.

I JUST WANT TO TASTE SOME

NECTAR, GUYS. THAT'S ALL I WANT.

CAN YOU MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

>> * I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS,

AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME *

>> SO, WE HAVE SOME SCARS FROM

HIS NECKBRACE THAT WE'LL HAVE TO

REVISE, AS WELL AS THE PENIS

ENLARGEMENT. AND I ALWAYS SAY,

START WITH THE HARD STUFF

FIRST. 15 BLADE.

>> A 15 BLADE? ARE YOU SURE

YOU DON'T WANT A PAPERCLIP?

I MEAN, LINDA, HAVE YOU EVER

SEEN ANYTHING THAT SMALL?

>> LOOKS LIKE 2 BLUEBERRIES

AND A COCKTAIL WEENIE.

>> HE DOESN'T NEED SURGERY.

HE NEEDS A MIRACLE.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST GONNA--[CLEARS THROAT]

DON'T NEED TO CAUSE ANYMORE

TROUBLE.

>> ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT,

HE'S THE ONE THAT CAUSED ALL

THE TROUBLE.

>> HE ALMOST COST YOU

YOUR LICENSE.

>> PRICK.

>> LITTLE PRICK.

>> DO YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE

ON YOU?

>> MM-HMM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> OH, JUST A LITTLE INSURANCE

POLICY JUST IN CASE MY FEE

ON THE SEAN McNAMARA STORY

DOESN'T QUITE COVER MY EXPENSES.

HEH, HERE WE GO.

>> [GIGGLING]

>> YEAH, NOW I CAN OFFER UP

A LITTLE BLACKMAIL OF MY OWN.

>> [LAUGHS]

HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT.

>> SORRY, NOT INTERESTED.

I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE ADVENTUROUS.

>> * I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS

AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME,

I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS,

AND EVERY WOMAN, SEXY ME,

THEY TELL ME SO *

>> YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

YOU ARE PERFECT. HUH?

AND I LOVE YOU.

>> [WHISPERING]

>> I DO. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...

THAT EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU,

I DO...

>> [BABBLING]

>> I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

THERE'S SOMEBODY WHO WOULD GIVE

THEIR LIFE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW?

[BELL RINGS]

>> CHRISTIAN, COME ON, GET OUT

OF HERE, WE HAVE A SHOOT TO DO.

>> AH.

>> HER LIPS ARE IMPECCABLE.

>> AND JUST THE RIGHT PLUMP.

>> [SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]

[JENNA CHATTERING]

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

>> WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE,

CHRISTIAN.

>> IT'S LOPSIDED, YOU SICK,

TWISTED BITCH.

>> I'VE HAD FILLER A THOUSAND

TIMES. IT JUST NEEDS TIME

TO SPREAD.

RIGHT?

>> [SIGHS]

GIVE ME THE GODDAMN NEEDLE.

SHE LOOKS DEFORMED.

>> [JENNA CHATTERING]

>> [SIGHS]

>> SEE, SHE'S NOT EVEN CRYING.

LIKE THEY SAID, WHEN YOU MIX IT

WITH LIDOCAINE, IT JUST FEELS

LIKE A KISS.

>> [SIGHS]

>> OH...

NOW YOU ARE PERFECT,

AREN'T YOU, SWEETIE?

>> BY THE TIME I TURN AROUND,

YOU BETTER BE GONE.

>> DON'T WORRY, GRANDPA.

YOUR REPUTATION'S SAFE,

I'LL TAKE THE FALL.

EVERYONE THINKS I'M A HORRIBLE

MOTHER ANYWAYS.