Original subtitles

>> PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...

>> SEAN McNAMARA, YOU ARE THE

NEW STAR OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS!

SEAN McNAMARA IS SEXY AND

VULNERABLE, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE

SEEING A LOT MORE SCENES LIKE

THIS ON HEARTS 'N SCALPELS.

>> I MADE SOME FRUITCAKE.

IT'S SORT OF A PEACE OFFERING.

>> [GAGGING]

>> SO TELL ME, WHAT EXACTLY DOES

A FLUFFER OF YOUR CALIBER DO?

>> I GOT N.G.U. THAT MEANS

I GAVE IT TO YOU.

>> LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL

ME YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME.

>> I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU.

>> I'M IN LOVE WITH HER,

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO

ABOUT IT.

>> AVA'S A MAN.

>> WANT A DRINK?

>> YOU GOT A GODDAMN DICK. I'M

NOT GAY! OK?! I'M NOT INTO THAT!

IS THAT A SWASTIKA ON IT?

>> I'M NOT A NAZI, MATT,

BUT I AM A PURIST.

>> THE TECH WORKS, MATT.

YOU JUST GOTTA TRUST IT.

>> MARRIED?

>> MATT AND I EXCHANGED

OUR VOWS 3 DAYS AGO.

I NEVER LOVED YOU, MATT.

I TOLD YOU I DID, BUT I LIED.

>> I'M RACHEL BEN NATAN, YOUR

BURN REHABILITATION COUNSELOR.

I'M HERE TO ASSIST YOU.

>> HEY, LISTEN TO THIS. "HEARTS

'N SCALPELS HAS SUNK TO A NEW

LOW. WHAT WAS ONCE A MILDLY

INTERESTING MELODRAMA HAS NOW

REPLACED ITS SOLE CHARISMATIC

PLAYER, AIDAN STONE, WITH THE

MILQUETOAST DR. SEAN McNAMARA.

WHILE STONE DOES THE REQUISITE

HOLLYWOOD STAR TURN IN REHAB,

McNAMARA RUINS THE ROME THAT HE

BUILT. HE'S SO DULL AS DR. PETER

CASEY, THE BEST THING I CAN SAY

IS THAT WATCHING HIM IS A CURE

FOR INSOMNIA, OR MAYBE HE'S

THE ANSWER TO GLOBAL WARMING,

FOR SOON TELEVISIONS AROUND

THE NATION WILL GO DARK."

OH, MY GOD. I AM SO GLAD THAT

I TOOK THAT OUT OF THE LOBBY

BEFORE SEAN GOT TO SEE IT.

>> LET ME LOOK AT THIS THING.

"AND I'M NOT YET SPEAKING

OF McNAMARA'S ABILITIES AS

AN ACTOR. I CAN'T GET PAST THE

FACE, OR SHOULD I SAY CARDBOARD

BOX ON SHOULDERS, A PUDDLE OF

MUDDY WATER, A JELLYFISH WITHOUT

THE STING? MY ONLY WISH IS THAT

HE TURN THAT SCALPEL ON HIMSELF.

PERHAPS A SCAR COULD BRING SOME

CHARACTER TO THAT BROWN PAPER

BAG McNAMARA CALLS A HEAD."

OH...

>> WHAT ARE YOU READING?

>> OH, EH--

>> NOTHING. UM, IS YOUR

10:00 HERE?

>> AUGUST WALDEN'S REVIEW

OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS

IN ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.

>> GUESS HE DOESN'T LIKE ME

VERY MUCH.

>> YOU ARE VERY HANDSOME, SEAN,

AND WALDEN DOESN'T LIKE ANYBODY.

I MEAN, HE SAID THAT

JAMES GANDOLFINI LOOKED LIKE

A SCROTUM WITH LEGS.

>> IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A TV STAR,

BUDDY BOY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

GET A THICK SKIN ABOUT THIS KIND

OF STUFF. HEH HEH.

>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE CONSULT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

>> OH, COME ON, MAN. WHO GIVES

A CRAP WHAT SOME JEALOUS LOSER

WANNABE SAYS? IF IT MAKES YOU

FEEL BETTER, JUST GET A GOOD

REVIEW AND READ IT 10 TIMES

OVER. THAT'S WHAT I DO ON

THE ODD OCCASION SOME SEXY LADY

DECLINES TO DO THE HORIZONTAL

SHUFFLE WITH ME. I FILL

MY DANCE CARD WITH 10 MORE.

>> YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE

TELL YOU YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE

A BROWN PAPER BAG.

>> TRUE.

OH, COME ON. YOU'RE A

GOOD-LOOKING GUY. LOOK,

I'LL TAKE THIS CONSULT. YOU GO

GET YOURSELF SOME ICE CREAM OR

A LOLLIPOP OR SOMETHIN'. EH?

>> [SIGHS]

>> * AHH,

MAKE ME

BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME

THE PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIE *

Sean: SHE WAS OVER AT OUR HOUSE

THE OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.

Christian: FALAFEL FACE?

>> YEAH. SHE AND MATT

WERE LOCKED IN HIS ROOM

FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

>> "LOCKED IN HIS ROOM"

LOCKED IN HIS ROOM?

>> SOUNDED LIKE IT. I DIDN'T

HEAR ANY TALKING.

[DOOR OPENS]

>> OH. HEY, GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'

OVER THERE?

>> THESE ARE ALL THE SURGERIES

WE'VE PERFORMED ON RACHEL.

>> 6 OF THEM. CAN YOU TELL

A DIFFERENCE?

>> A LITTLE.

>> YOU'RE BEIN' TOO GENEROUS.

WE HAVE RELIEVED MOST OF HER

PAIN, GIVEN HER CHEEKBONES

SOME DEFINITION, AND RESTORED

ABOUT 60% OF HER SENSE OF SMELL.

>> OTHERWISE, SHE LOOKS

EXACTLY THE SAME.

>> UH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

>> THE POINT IS SHE'S NEVER

GONNA LOOK ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

>> OH, RIGHT. AND LOOKS ARE ALL

THAT MATTER.

>> OF COURSE NOT.

>> LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT,

ALL RIGHT? I DON'T CARE IF SHE

SHITS SOLID GOLD. YOU CAN'T

UNDERESTIMATE THE BURDEN THAT

COMES WITH DATING SOMEBODY

LIKE THIS.

>> YOU TWO ARE UNBELIEVABLE.

LOOK, SHE NURSED ME THROUGH MY

RECOVERY. SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE

I WAS ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING.

>> ARE YOU WEARING RUBBERS

WITH HER?

>> WH-WHY?

>> WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERFECT

CATCH FOR A GIRL LIKE THIS.

SHE FORGETS TO TAKE HER PILL

ONE DAY, A-AND YOU'RE TRAPPED

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

>> YOU GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES.

>> MATT, WAIT. MATT, YOU WERE

VULNERABLE WHEN YOU MET HER.

YOU JUST GOT OUT OF ONE BAD

RELATIONSHIP. WE JUST DON'T WANT

TO SEE YOU GETTING BURIED

IN ANOTHER ONE.

>> NO, YOU JUST DON'T WANT YOUR

SON DATING SOME GIRL WHO'S

WALKING PROOF THAT YOU TWO

AREN'T GODS, THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE

EVERYONE LOOK PERFECT. YOU KNOW,

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN MESSIN' WITH

PEOPLE'S FACES FOR SO LONG THAT

I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU KNOW

WHAT UGLY LOOKS LIKE ANYMORE.

>> MISS LOWELL, TELL ME WHAT YOU

DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.

>> [SOUTHERN ACCENT] YOU'RE

SWEET. NO ONE'S EVER PRETENDED

NOT TO NOTICE BEFORE.

BUT CALL ME EMME.

>> EMME, IF THERE'S ONE THING

I'VE LEARNED IN THIS BUSINESS,

IT'S NOT TO ASSUME. SO TELL ME,

YOU WANT A NOSE JOB?

>> HEH. WHEN I FIRST SAW YOUR

PICTURE ONLINE, I DIDN'T THINK

YOU'D BE SO FUNNY.

>> HEH.

>> I LIKE IT. MAKES THE PLANE

TRIP OUT HERE EVEN

MORE WORTHWHILE.

>> SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

SOUTH CAROLINA?

>> PLEASE. I'M A JERSEY GIRL,

BORN AND RAISED.

GUESS WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME

SENSE OF HUMOR, HUH? ACTUALLY,

I'M FROM CLEVELAND,

GEORGIA. IT'S A TINY, LITTLE

TOWN IN THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS

UP NORTH. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME

TRAVELIN' AWAY FROM HOME, IF YOU

CAN BELIEVE IT. [SIGHS] I THINK

I'M AFRAID OF FLYING, TOO.

>> YET YOU GOT ON A PLANE FOR

THE FIRST TIME EVER AND CAME ALL

THE WAY OUT HERE FOR A CONSULT.

WHY?

>> YOU'RE THE DOCTOR WHO SET UP

THE HEDDA GRUBMAN FUND, RIGHT?

WELL, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF

MONEY, AND WHEN I WENT ON GOOGLE

AND TYPED IN "FREE PLASTIC

SURGERY," YOUR NAME CAME UP AND

SAID YOU DO CASES LIKE MINE FOR

NO PAY. WELL, YOU KNOW, WHERE

BIRTH DEFECTS ARE INVOLVED.

>> HEH. TECHNICALLY WHAT YOU

HAVE IS CALLED NAEVUS FLAMMEUS.

IT'S WHERE THE, UH, DEEP

DILATED CAPILLARIES, UH,

CAUSE THE SKIN TO TURN A REDDISH

PURPLE. IT'S REALLY MORE OF

A BIRTHMARK THAN A SKIN DEFECT.

IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE COMMON.

ONE IN 3,000 NEWBORNS HAVE IT.

>> NOT LIKE THIS, THEY DON'T.

>> THE PROCEDURE INVOLVES, UH,

SEVERAL LASER TREATMENTS. I KNOW

YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE,

BUT I REALLY HAVE A VERY LONG

WAITING LIST RIGHT NOW.

>> A WAITIN' LIST? I'VE WAITED

24 YEARS. I SPENT ALL I HAD JUST

TO GET OUT HERE, AND THEN

THE CAB RIDE FROM THE AIRPORT

COST ALMOST AS MUCH AS

THE PLANE. YOU EVER READ

THE SCARLET LETTER, DR. TROY?

>> IN COLLEGE, YES.

>> THAT'S WHAT MY MOM USED TO

CALL THIS, HER SCARLET LETTER,

SAID IT WAS THE SHAME SHE HAD TO

BEAR FOR HAVIN' ME WITH SOME

ONE-NIGHT STAND. BUT IT'S NOT

JUST HER. I'VE NEVER BEEN

ACCEPTED BY ANYONE MY WHOLE LIFE

BECAUSE OF THIS FACE. THAT'S THE

REAL REASON I NEVER LEFT HOME

UNTIL NOW. AND NOW THAT I'M

HERE, I CAN'T GO BACK LOOKIN'

LIKE THIS. I WON'T.

[BELL RINGS]

>> YOU KNOW, WHEN AUGUST WALDEN

GAVE ME MY FIRST REVIEW,

I ATE AN ENTIRE BOX OF THOSE,

EVEN THE KINDS WITH SPRINKLES,

WHICH I DON'T EVEN LOVE,

AND A HALF A TRAY OF SAUSAGES.

I WAS SO BLOATED I COULDN'T

GET MY COSTUME ZIPPED

AFTER MY LUNCHTIME COMA.

IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

>> SO THIS IS WHAT THIS DOES?

RIPS PEOPLE TO SHREDS?

>> YEAH. LET'S SEE. UH,

"THE DREARY KATE TINSLEY BRINGS

TO MIND A SULLEN COONHOUND." UH,

"HER BODY RESEMBLES THAT OF

A BUTTERNUT SQUASH, AND HER

SPEECH PATTERN MAKES ME WONDER

IF SHE HASN'T YET SWALLOWED HER

BREAKFAST KIBBLE." YEAH.

EMBLAZONED ON MY BRAIN FOREVER.

>> I HOPE YOU'VE GOT SOME OF

YOUR GOOD REVIEWS MEMORIZED

AS WELL.

>> YEAH, WELL, THE GOOD ONES,

YOU FORGET. THE BAD ONES ARE

FOREVER. AHEM.

>> OH--

>> YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT,

YOU KNOW. I MEAN, BEING IN

THE SPOTLIGHT, YOU, UM--

YOU'RE ASKING PEOPLE TO WEIGH IN

ON WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. WHAT YOU

CAN AVOID IS CHOOSING A LOVER

WHO LOOKS AT YOU WITH

A CRITIC'S EYE.

>> SO, WHERE DOES THIS GUY LIVE?

HEH. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE ONE NIGHT

I'LL GET HAMMERED AND SHOW UP

AT HIS DOOR AND TAKE HIM OUT.

>> ACTUALLY HE ALWAYS HANGS OUT

AT THAT COFFEE SHOP OVER ON

RIVERSIDE. SITS THERE ALL DAY

LONG TYPING ON HIS COMPUTER. OF

COURSE NO ONE WANTS TO CONFRONT

HIM. EVERYONE'S SO SCARED OF HIS

SCATHING TONGUE, YOU KNOW.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU SEEM LIKE

YOU'RE IN A GOOD PLACE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I HOPE WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

>> YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.

ON ONE CONDITION. YOU ACTUALLY

DO IT. GO TO THE COFFEE SHOP.

RIP THE GUY A NEW ONE ON BEHALF

OF ACTORS EVERYWHERE AND RECORD

IT ON YOUR CELLPHONE SO I CAN

WATCH IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

>> IT'S NOT REALLY MY STYLE.

>> REALLY? MILQUETOAST? "HIS

FACE LOOKS LIKE A CARDBOARD BOX

ON SHOULDERS, A," UM, "PUDDLE OF

MUDDY WATER." UM, "JELLYFISH

WITHOUT THE STING." YOU GONNA

LET THAT GO? [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] PUDDLE OF MUDDY WATER.

[GODZILLA BY BLUE OYSTER CULT

PLAYING]

>> * WITH A PURPOSEFUL GRIMACE

AND A TERRIBLE SOUND,

HE PULLS THE SPITTING

HIGH-TENSION WIRES DOWN *

* HELPLESS PEOPLE

ON A SUBWAY TRAIN

SCREAM BUG-EYED

AS HE LOOKS IN ON THEM *

* HE PICKS UP A BUS... *

>> HERE'S YOUR DOUBLE ESPRESSO,

MR. WALDEN.

>> * ...CENTER OF TOWN *

* OHH *

>> AUGUST WALDEN?

>> HAVE WE MET?

>> NOT OFFICIALLY. I'M THE

PUDDLE OF MUDDY WATER WHICH

CAN ONLY EVOKE YAWNS

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

>> AH, YES. AND A MEMORABLE

APPEARANCE OFF-SCREEN AS WELL

AS ON.

>> YOU KNOW, I CAME HERE WITH

THE INTENTION OF GETTING SOME

SORT OF APOLOGY FROM YOU FOR

THE WAY YOU JUST ATTACK PEOPLE,

BUT NOW I GET IT. NOW I

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DO IT.

>> I DO IT BECAUSE I AM PAID

TO ADVISE THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF

WHAT AND WHOM IS WORTHY OF THEIR

ATTENTION AND ADMIRATION.

>> JUST CUT THE SHIT, WILL YOU?

YOU'RE SO EATEN UP WITH

JEALOUSY, SO FULL OF

SELF-CONTEMPT BECAUSE OF YOUR

OWN EXTRAORDINARY UGLINESS,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE OTHERS PAY.

I SHOULDN'T BE ASKING YOU FOR

AN APOLOGY. I SHOULD BE

APOLOGIZING TO YOU FOR WHAT YOU

HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY

LOOKING THE WAY YOU DO. IF ONLY

MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BADLY

COULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

>> * GODZILLA *

>> * ZILLA, ZILLA, ZILLA-- *

[BEEP]

>> HEY, BABY, IT'S CHRISTIAN.

JUST CONFIRMING LUNCH TODAY.

[BEEP]

[MUTED SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING AND MOANING]

>> THOUGHT YOU'D GONE.

I WOULD HAVE.

>> WHO WAS SHE, SOMEONE YOU

PICKED UP AT THE CARWASH,

THE DRUGSTORE?

>> GAS STATION.

>> YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT

ABOUT ME AT ALL, DO YOU?

>> FOR YEARS, I'VE FANTASIZED

ABOUT BEING WITH YOU. IT'S JUST

IN MY HEAD, YOU WERE SO PERFECT.

BUT IN LIFE, WITH ALL THIS MESSY

PAIN AND ILLNESS AND GODDAMN

REGRET, IT'S JUST--

IT'S NOT THE SAME, IS IT?

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T CHANGE

WHO I AM. I TRIED.

>> YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN IN MY HEAD

FOR A LONG TIME, TOO, ALWAYS

THERE TEMPTING ME. ONLY, IN MY

HEAD, YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL, DEEP

DOWN, YOU HAD A KIND, CARING

SOUL. AND ONLY NOW DO I SEE JUST

HOW UGLY YOU REALLY ARE.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT A MISTAKE I'VE

MADE. [SIGHS] I HAD A SECOND

CHANCE WITH OLIVIA--KIND, CARING

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

YOU KNOW. AND I'VE BLOWN IT,

WASTING ALL MY TIME ON YOU.

>> IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T

LOVE YOU.

I JUST WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.

>> FRIENDS? HEH. YOU HAVE DONE

A LOT OF THINGS IN YOUR TIME,

CHRISTIAN, BUT TO DO THIS TO ME

NOW, WHEN I NEEDED YOU SO MUCH.

MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL BE ABLE

TO FORGIVE, BUT I KNOW THAT

I'LL NEVER FORGET.

[DOOR CLOSES]

>> SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU

DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF,

ALTHOUGH IT'S SADLY OBVIOUS.

>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD ONLY BE

FAIR TO WRITE A REVIEW

OF MY APPEARANCE.

>> I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

>> "IN ALL MY YEARS, I'VE NEVER

MET AN UGLIER HUMAN BEING THAN

AUGUST WALDEN. THOUGH CALLING

HIM HUMAN COULD BE CONSTRUED

AS AN INSULT TO THE PHYLUM."

>> PLEASE, CONTINUE.

>> "BELOW THE MATING

CATERPILLARS WALDEN CALLS BROWS,

TWO EXTREMELY FARSIGHTED EYES

DROOP LIKE A BASSET HOUND'S

UNDER THE PULL OF GRAVITY.

IN FACT, HIS ENTIRE FACE LOOKS

AS IF IT'S BEEN PULLED AND

STRETCHED BY A HYPERACTIVE

TODDLER PLAYING WITH

SILLY PUTTY."

>> ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THE OTHER

DAY I WAS MAYBE A BIT TOO HARSH.

IF I'M THE REASON YOU'RE HERE--

>> YOU ARE THE REASON I'M HERE,

DR. McNAMARA. I AM THANKFUL FOR

YOUR WORDS. YOU WERE RIGHT AND

FRANKLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY

IT TO MY HORRIFIC FACE. I HAVE

BEEN ISOLATING MYSELF FOR YEARS

BEHIND THIS HALLOWEEN MASK,

SCARING AWAY EVERYONE

WITH WHOM I COME IN CONTACT,

IN PARTICULAR, A YOUNG LADY OF

WHOM I HAVE GROWN FOND, A LITHE

BEAUTY OF A BARISTA AT THE CAFE.

EVERY DAY, DOCTOR, I AM THERE

TRYING TO CONNECT WITH HER,

YET UNABLE TO HOLD HER GAZE FOR

MORE THAN A MERE MOMENT. CAN YOU

HELP ME CONNECT WITH HER,

DR. McNAMARA?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN BED.

>> WELL, SINCE THE SURGERY WAS

FREE, I FIGURED I HAD TO DO

SOMETHING TO PAY YOU BACK. OH,

I CLEANED THE BATHROOM, TOO.

HEH. SOMEONE DOES YOU A FAVOR,

YOU DO ONE BACK.

>> WELL, TAKE A BREAK. SIT DOWN.

I NEED TO SEE HOW

YOU'RE HEALING.

>> DON'T YOU THINK IT'D BE

BETTER IF YOU FOUND A PLASTIC

SURGEON YOU DIDN'T JUST TRASH

IN YOUR MAGAZINE?

>> HEH. IF I DID, I COULDN'T

CORRECT THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.

AFTER THE SURGERY, I WILL

HAPPILY WRITE ANOTHER CRITIQUE

OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS AND

SPECIFICALLY YOU, WHICH I CAN

ASSURE YOU YOU WILL APPRECIATE

MORE THAN THE LAST.

>> SO MAYBE MY FACE ISN'T

A CARDBOARD BOX ON SHOULDERS?

>> I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG

THE LINES OF "REMINISCENT OF

A YOUNG GARY COOPER."

>> OH.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THE KIDS

USED TO CALL ME IN SCHOOL?

SWAMP THING. ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

THE BOYS WOULDN'T GO NEAR ME

IN HIGH SCHOOL 'CAUSE OF HOW

I LOOKED. I NEVER EVEN HAD

A REAL BOYFRIEND, THOUGH I DID

MEET THIS ONE GUY ONLINE.

SOMETHIN' WRONG?

>> NO. IT'S--COME HERE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THERE ARE ETHICAL QUESTIONS

TO ME PERFORMING YOUR SURGERY,

CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.

>> IF YOU HAVE AN OPENING,

DOCTOR, I AM READY TO GO

UNDER THE KNIFE IMMEDIATELY.

>> WE HAVE AN OPENING AT 2:00.

[BUZZING]

[THE UGLY DUCKLING

BY DANNY KAYE PLAYING]

>> W--I COULD REALLY USE

SOME LIPSTICK, COULDN'T I?

>> * THERE ONCE WAS

AN UGLY DUCKLING WITH FEATHERS

ALL STUBBY AND BROWN... *

>> AND MY--MY HAIR'S A MESS.

>> * IN SO MANY WORDS SAID,

"PPPT, GET OUT OF TOWN,"

NOT A QUACK, NOT A QUACK,

NOT A WADDLE OR A QUACK,

BUT A GLIDE AND A WHISTLE

AND A SNOWY WHITE BACK

AND A HEAD SO NOBLE

AND HIGH... *

>> EMME, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

>> * NOT I,

NOT I *

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

>> HEY, MATTIE.

>> OH. HEY.

>> HOW YOU DOIN'?

>> UH, I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT.

>> NICE FLOWERS.

>> OH. UH, THANKS. YEAH.

THEY'RE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S IN RECOVERY.

>> EMME, THIS IS MATT.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> EMME JUST HAD A PORT STAIN

REMOVED FROM HER FACE.

DOESN'T SHE LOOK GREAT?

>> YEAH. SURE. CONGRATULATIONS.

>> WE'RE GOING TO, UH, NEIMAN'S

TO CELEBRATE. YOU SHOULD COME

WITH. WE COULD HAVE LUNCH.

>> UM, YEAH, NO, THANKS.

I'M, UH--I'M GONNA WATCH MUNICH

WITH RACHEL.

>> FUN.

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, EMME'S NEW IN TOWN,

SO MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD GET

TOGETHER LATER, AND YOU COULD

SHOW HER THE SIGHTS.

>> UH, STOP IT, CHRISTIAN.

>> STOP WHAT?

>> LOOK, EMME, YOU LOOK GREAT,

AND I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU,

BUT CONTRARY TO SOME PEOPLE'S

OPINION, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH.

>> LEARNING HEBREW?

>> YEAH. I'M TAKIN' A COURSE

AT THE JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER.

>> JESUS. YOU'LL TAKE ANY KIND

OF KOOL-AID A GIRL FEEDS YOU,

HUH?

>> IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

>> HONEY?

HONEY?

OH, HOW ARE YOU? I'VE BEEN

SO WORRIED. OH, MY GOD.

YOU LOOK SO SICK.

>> I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE I LOOK.

AND IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS RELIED ON

A CERTAIN BEAUTY, AND IT'S

REALLY SUPERFICIAL, I KNOW,

BUT WITHOUT IT, I JUST--

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.

JUST DON'T GET UPSET, PLEASE.

>> I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAVE EVER

KNOWN IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.

I'VE REALLY MISSED YOU, JULIA.

I'M NOT GONNA LET ANYTHING

HAPPEN TO YOU. YOU'RE MY ANGEL.

>> I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH CHRISTIAN.

YEAH. ITS OVER, FINALLY AND

FOR THE LAST TIME. I FEEL LIKE

I'VE BEEN IN A FEVER DREAM.

WELL, A NIGHTMARE, REALLY.

I--I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN

FORGIVE ME, LET ALONE LOVE ME.

>> NO USE GETTING ANGRY.

WE GOTTA PUT THAT ENERGY INTO

ACTION. WE'RE GONNA SEND THAT

HAIR TO A LAB IN WESTBURY,

VIRGINIA. THEY'VE MADE SOME

AMAZING DIAGNOSTICS FOR ME

IN THE PAST.

>> I HAVE BEEN TO EVERY DOCTOR

IN L.A., AND NO ONE SEEMS

TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

>> WESTERN DOCTORS. GOD,

THEY ALL HAVE THEIR NARROW,

LITTLE FOCUS. NO ONE'S LOOKING

AT THE BIG PICTURE.

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT WHAT'S

WRONG WITH YOU. I PROMISE.

>> JULIA, WOULD YOU LIKE HONEY

IN YOUR TEA?

>> UH, NO, THANKS. YOU KNOW,

YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN

A DOLL, EDEN. I KNOW WE'VE HAD

OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT FRANKLY,

YOU'VE BEEN THE ONLY ONE WHO'S

LIFTED A FINGER FOR ME SINCE

OLIVIA HASN'T BEEN HERE.

>> WELL, I KNOW I ACT UP

SOMETIMES, BUT YOU'RE SICK.

KIND OF TAKES THE FUN OUT OF IT.

HEY, THERE'S ONE MORE PIECE

OF FRUITCAKE IN THE FRIDGE.

YOU WANT ME TO GET IT?

>> OK. YEAH. SURE. IT SEEMS

TO BE THE ONLY THING I CAN

KEEP DOWN.

>> I REALLY HAVE TO BAKE YOU

ANOTHER OF THESE. WHO KNEW YOU

LOVED FRUITCAKE SO MUCH? WELL,

DON'T BE SHY. YOU'RE THE ONLY

ONE WHO EATS IT.

>> I THINK I'LL, UM, TAKE IT

TO MY ROOM FOR LATER.

>> READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP,

DR. McNAMARA?

>> SOMETIMES WE MAKE

MIRACULOUS IMPROVEMENTS WITH

A SINGLE SURGERY, AND IN OTHER

MORE SERIOUS CASES, WE HOPE

FOR INCREMENTAL IMPROVEMENTS.

IT MAY TAKE A FEW MORE SURGERIES

THAN I ANTICIPATED.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANY MORE.

>> WHY NOT? I THOUGHT YOU--

>> NO, MATT WAS THE ONE WHO

KEPT PUSHING AND PUSHING,

BUT MY PLANS HAVE CHANGED.

>> SEAN, OUR 11:00's EARLY.

SHE'S IN MY OFFICE.

>> DR. TROY, IN CASE I DON'T

SEE YOU AGAIN, I JUST WANTED TO

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE.

I'M LEAVING, GOING BACK

TO ISRAEL.

>> MATTIE DIDN'T MENTION

ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

>> I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET.

HE'S A NICE BOY, BUT HE'S

VERY CONFUSED.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU AND MATT, HE THINKS--

>> I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.

HE THINKS I AM THE ANSWER,

THAT JUDAISM IS THE ANSWER.

HE GOES FROM ONE THING TO

ANOTHER. THE ANSWER'S ALWAYS OUT

THERE SOMEWHERE. HE NEEDS TO GO

INSIDE. THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE

IT IS.

>> DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE

TELLING MATT ABOUT THIS?

>> TELL ME WHAT?

>> WE HAVE A CONSULTATION.

STICK AROUND AFTER,

AND WE'LL TALK, OK?

>> HEY. YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHAT'S WRONG?

>> I'M GOING HOME, MATT,

BACK TO TEL AVIV.

>> WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> IT IS NOT RIGHT BETWEEN US,

MATT. I JUST--

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

>> I--I THOUGHT WHAT WE SHARED--

>> WAS LOVELY, YES, BUT I'M NOT

ATTRACTED TO YOU. I'M SO SORRY,

BUT I'M NOT.

>> YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME?

>> ATTRACTION HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH WHAT THE PERSON LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S AN INNER CHEMISTRY.

IT'S THERE, OR IT ISN'T.

>> YEAH. I'M SORRY, BUT, UM,

HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A MIRROR

LATELY?

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST THINK.

YOU THINK BECAUSE I AM NOT

BEAUTIFUL, I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE

PICKY. PERHAPS YOU THOUGHT YOU

COULD AVOID GETTING HURT BY

CHOOSING SOMEONE TOO DESPERATE

TO REJECT YOU.

>> NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU,

OK? I MEAN, YOU AND ALL

YOUR BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW LOOKS

DON'T MATTER, LIKE YOU'RE SOME

POSTER GIRL FOR INNER STRENGTH.

>> YOU WON'T FIND THE PARTS OF

YOURSELF THAT ARE MISSING IN ME.

YOU NEED TO LOOK INSIDE. ONLY

THEN WILL YOU BE ABLE TO EXPRESS

LOVE INSTEAD OF NEED.

>> NEED? I DON'T NEED YOU,

RACHEL. I FELT SORRY FOR YOU,

BECAUSE THE ONLY CHEMICAL

REACTION YOU'RE GONNA GET

FROM A MAN IS PITY. HERE.

THESE ARE FOR YOU. ENJOY 'EM.

[VOICE ECHOING]

>> ...DREAM COME TRUE. I'M NOT--

NO, YOU'RE THE ONE LIVING

WITH REGRETS, NOT ME.

[DING]

[HANGS UP]

[SNIFFLING]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

>> HEY, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

>> OH. MY MOTHER. SHE CAN BE

A LITTLE, UH, OVERPROTECTIVE,

I GUESS.

>> UH, DO YOU WANNA GO GRAB

SOME LUNCH?

>> THERE WAS NO WAY I THOUGHT

YOU COULD DO THAT AGAIN.

>> I DIDN'T THINK I COULD DO IT

AGAIN EITHER.

>> [SIGHS]

>> MMM. MAN, I--I HAVE NEVER

FELT A CONNECTION LIKE THIS

BEFORE. IT'S AMAZING.

>> HEH. IT'S LIKE WE JUST

FIT TOGETHER.

>> YEAH.

>> OUR BODIES, OUR SKIN.

>> IT'S AMAZING.

>> GOD, I ALWAYS WANTED MY FIRST

TIME TO BE SPECIAL LIKE THIS.

>> YOUR FIRST TIME? I JUST TOOK

YOUR VIRGINITY?

>> YOU'RE NOT UPSET, ARE YOU?

>> UPSET? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

I'M HONORED. I'M HONORED.

>> HEH.

THESE LAST DAYS HAVE JUST BEEN

SO AMAZING. LET'S SEE. FIRST, I

MET MY FATHER, AND THEN I GOT MY

FACE FIXED, AND THEN I MET YOU.

>> WOW. YOU MET YOUR FATHER?

>> AND I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM,

I THINK. OH, AND WE HAVE

THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR, A--

IT'S AMAZING, JUST AMAZING.

>> WHO IS HE?

>> MY PLASTIC SURGEON, DR. TROY.

[MAN SINGING IN

FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

>> THEY STILL SAVED MY SAME

TABLE FOR ME, DR. McNAMARA.

NOW I'M CROSSING MY FINGERS THAT

A CERTAIN SOMEONE BOTHERS ME

CONSTANTLY.

>> YEAH. WHERE IS SHE?

>> BRAN MUFFIN. THANKS.

>> OOH. SHE'S VERY PRETTY.

>> THE APPLE OF MY EYE.

>> I'M GONNA GO CLEAN.

>> WELCOME BACK, MR. WALDEN.

ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

WE'VE GOT A FRESH BATCH OF

PUMPKIN MUFFINS TODAY. OH, AND,

UH, BY THE WAY, THANKS.

YOU CHANGED MY LIFE.

>> IS THAT SO?

>> WELL, I WAS IN AN EPISODE

OF NCIS THAT YOU REVIEWED.

YOU SAID THAT YOU'D RATHER CLEAN

CAT PISS OUT OF THE CARPET

THAN WATCH ANOTHER MOMENT OF MY

ACTING, THAT MY PORTRAYAL OF

A KIDNAPPING RAPIST WAS WORSE

THAN THE CRIME COMMITTED.

>> THEN YOU'RE LUCKY YOU

STILL HAVE THIS JOB.

>> YOU KILLED MY DREAM.

JUST WHEN I WAS STARTIN' TO

PICK UP MOMENTUM, MY RECURRING

ROLE ON THE SHOW WAS DROPPED.

MY AGENT LEFT ME. I DON'T MAKE

ENOUGH MONEY HERE TO MAKE RENT.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO OREGON

AND LIVE WITH MY MOTHER.

>> AND I AM TO BLAME? YOU NEED

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR

LACK OF ARTISTRY, NOT TO MENTION

INSIGHT.

>> YEAH, I DO. I TAKE FULL

RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY CAREER

AND FOR THIS.

>> [SCREAMING]

>> OK, SO ACCORDING TO

CALIFORNIA LAW, WHAT WE DID WAS

TECHNICALLY NOT ILLEGAL AND NOT

THAT CRAZY EITHER, OK? HERE.

COME HERE. LOOK.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> IT'S A BLOG DEVOTED TO

COUPLES WHO ARE RELATED.

>> [READING]

"TOM AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER

FOR TWO YEARS AND FEEL THAT

BECAUSE WE ARE RELATED,

HAVE A STRONGER BOND THAN ANY

OTHER NON-INCEST COUPLE.

FOR US, INCEST IS THE BEST

OF ALL WORLDS." WOW.

>> YEAH. THEY GO ON TO TALK

ABOUT THIS SCIENTIFIC STUDY THAT

WAS DONE SHOWING THAT, YOU KNOW,

SIBLINGS WHO ARE RAISED TOGETHER

DEVELOP THIS INNATE SEXUAL

REPULSION, BUT YOU KNOW,

WHEN THEY'RE SEPARATED AND

RAISED APART LIKE US, UH,

YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T HAVE THAT.

>> OH. SO THERE WAS NO WAY WE'D

FEEL LIKE WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG.

>> YEAH, AND APPARENTLY IN OTHER

CULTURES AROUND THE WORLD,

THEY DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH IT EITHER.

>> BUT MOTHER NATURE HAS A SAY.

YOU GET FREAK BABIES IF YOU

INBREED, RIGHT?

>> UH, WELL, UH...

LOOK, WE USED A CONDOM. IT'S OK.

WE'RE FINE.

>> I WAS BORN DAMAGED LIKE THAT.

>> NO.

>> LOOK, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD

IT IS, HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU. I

DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

>> IT WON'T. I PROMISE. OK?

>> DOES THAT MEAN WE

HAVE TO STOP?

>> 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO?

OH, MAN.

>> THIS IS WRONG.

>> LOOK, ONLY IF YOUR MOM'S

RIGHT, OK? WHAT IF SHE'S WRONG?

WHAT IF WE'RE NOT RELATED

AT ALL? IT'S ALL GONNA BE FINE.

HEY. [CLEARS THROAT]

>> HEY. MATTIE. EMME. HOW LONG

YOU GUYS BEEN HERE?

>> UH, ABOUT AN HOUR. UH, YEAH,

EMME'S NEVER SEEN THE OCEAN

BEFORE, SO I THOUGHT THIS'D BE

THE BEST PLACE TO CHECK IT OUT.

>> GREAT. WELL, YOU GUYS ARE

GETTIN' TO KNOW EACH OTHER, SO,

UH, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.

>> UH, ACTUALLY, UH, CAN I TALK

TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

>> OF COURSE.

>> YEAH. UM...

>> HUH? SHE'S A GREAT GIRL, HUH?

HUH?

>> YEAH. UM, UH, LOOK.

THERE'S SOMETHIN' THAT YOU NEED

TO KNOW, AND I-IT MAY COME AS

A BIT OF A SHOCK.

>> SURE.

>> EMME--EMME FORGOT HER

BIRTH CONTROL AT HER HOUSE, AND,

UH, WE NEED AN EMERGENCY

PRESCRIPTION.

>> OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE BEING SAFE.

[CHUCKLES]

[BELL RINGS]

>> HEY. PRETTY GREAT WHAT

HAPPENED TO WALDEN, HUH?

>> NO. IT'S NOT PRETTY GREAT.

THE MAN SUFFERED SECOND- AND

THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. GONNA NEED

4 OR 5 PAINFUL OPERATIONS.

HIS SIGHT MIGHT BE COMPROMISED

FOREVER.

>> OK. JEEZ. MR. SENSITIVE.

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK HE

DESERVES IT JUST A LITTLE BIT?

>> NO. I DON'T. AND THAT KID

WHO DID IT IS GOING TO JAIL,

SO IT'S NOT A HAPPY ENDING.

>> HELLO, DARLINGS. MAY I JOIN

THE WAKE? YOU HAVE READ IT,

RIGHT?

>> READ WHAT?

>> WELL, I NEVER TAKE THESE

THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY, BUT, UH,

WE WERE JUST SKEWERED IN THE LOS

ANGELES TIMES. UH, PERHAPS YOU

SHOULDN'T SEE IT. GIVE IT BACK

WHEN YOU'RE DONE. AND, DARLINGS,

DON'T LET THIS AFFECT TODAY'S

WORK. SEAN, YOU ARE NOT FLAT AND

MONOTONE, AND, KATE, DARLING,

YOU ARE NOT...

>> "A LUMPY ZERO."

>> [MUTTERS]

I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.

>> GET YOUR OWN. IT'S THE ONLY

THING KEEPING ME FROM SUICIDE.

>> * GO, GO, GODZILLA *

>> I SEE. THANK YOU.

>> HEY, JULIA. I MADE SOME OF MY

HEALING TEA. THINK IT'S REALLY

STARTIN' TO WORK. I FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE GETTIN' BETTER.

DON'T YOU?

>> YOU DRINK IT.

>> HEH. WHY WOULD I DRINK IT?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN SICK.

>> THANKS TO YOU.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,

JULIA.

>> DON'T YOU? YOU'VE BEEN

POISONING ME WITH ALL YOUR SOUPS

AND THE TEAS AND THAT FRUITCAKE.

>> I THINK WHATEVER YOU HAVE IS

STARTING TO SEEP INTO

YOUR BRAIN.

>> YES, IT HAS. MERCURY

POISONING DOES THAT TO YOU.

IT KILLS THE ORGANS AND DESTROYS

THE BRAIN CELLS. I JUST GOT OFF

THE PHONE WITH THE TOXICOLOGY

LAB. I SENT THEM THAT LAST PIECE

OF FRUITCAKE. IT HAD AN 80%

CONTAMINATION RATE FOR MERCURY.

I HAVE PROOF OF WHAT YOU'VE BEEN

DOING TO ME. YOU MADE A MISTAKE

IN UNDERESTIMATING ME, EDEN.

YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL. YOU ARE

A SICK, SICK GIRL, AND YOU NEED

TO BE LOCKED UP!

>> I'VE HAD FUN. YOU KNOW,

WATCHING YOU SLOWLY GET WEAKER

AND WEAKER. I COULDN'T WAIT

EVERY DAY TO COME HOME AND SERVE

YOU A CUP OF TEA, BOWL OF SOUP.

POURING THE MERCURY IN WAS THE

HIGHLIGHT, REALLY, KNOWING IT

WOULD EAT YOU AWAY FROM THE

INSIDE OUT. I COULD NOT WAIT TO

LITERALLY REMOVE YOUR PATHETIC,

WHINING PRESENCE FROM THE PEOPLE

THAT I LOVE THE MOST IN THIS

WORLD--MY MOTHER, SEAN. BUT I

CAN'T ARGUE WITH PROOF, NOW,

CAN I? YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME,

JULIA.

YOU WIN.

[SETS DOWN GLASS]

I HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT I'VE

DONE. I'LL GO PACK MY BAGS,

AND WE CAN WAIT FOR MY MOTHER

TO GET HOME, AND I, UM--

I'LL CONFESS EVERYTHING TO HER

AND TO THE POLICE. I'LL CON--

>> [GASPS]

>> IT'S OK. I'M GONNA CONFESS.

I'M...

I'M SORRY.

YOU REALLY SHOULD LOCK UP YOUR

FIREARMS AND NOT LEAVE 'EM IN A

BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER, YOU STUPID

BITCH. YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT

ABOUT ONE THING, JULIA.

I MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.

MERCURY TAKES TOO DAMN LONG.

>> OHH!

[GUNSHOT]