Original subtitles

>> PREVIOUSLY ON "NIP/TUCK"...

>> LOOK WHAT I MADE YOU.

IT´S A SEAN BEAR!

IT´S MY HOBBY. I MAKE TEDDIES.

>> HI, SEAN. WE´RE C.A.A.

>> WHO?

>> CREATIVE ARTISTS AGENCY.

>> YOU´LL NOT TAKE AWAY MY SEAN.

>> YOU WANT MORE OF THE TRUTH?

I AM GOING BACK INTO PORN.

>> WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

>> MAYBE WITH YOU.

>> OK. SO, THIS YOU ARE GOING TO

LOVE. YOU-KNOW-WHO BUSTED HER

TIGHT LITTLE TUCHAS AND GOT YOU

BOOKED AS A JUDGE ON THE MISS

TEEN U.S.A. PAGEANT. SO, WHAT DO

YOU THINK OF THAT, DR. SEXY?

>> AND WHY WOULD MY CLIENT BE

INTERESTED IN JUDGING A BUNCH OF

DOUBLE-DIGIT I.Q. ADOLESCENTS

WITH BULIMIA BREATH AND TACKY

BATHING SUITS?

>> UM, BECAUSE IT BEATS HAVING

LUNCH WITH A MENOPAUSAL AGENT

WITH CHARDONNAY BREATH AND

AN ILL-FITTING ENSEMBLE FROM

CHICO´S.

>> BLISS, COLLEEN´S JUST LOOKING

AFTER MY REPUTATION. THERE´S NO

NEED TO ATTACK HER PERSONALLY.

>> SEAN, DON´T WORRY ABOUT ME.

THIS MAMA LION COULD EAT YOUR

LITTLE PUSSYCAT PUBLICIST FOR

BRUNCH, IF SHE WANTED TO.

NOW, I JUST NABBED A VERY CLASSY

COMMERCIAL FOR YOU, COOKIE.

NATIONAL SPOKESPERSON FOR

THE NEW SIZZLER´S HEART SAVVY

SALAD BAR CAMPAIGN.

>> I´M SORRY. DID SHE REALLY

JUST SUGGEST YOU DO COMMERCIALS

FOR THE GERIATRIC COMMUNITY?

>> YEAH. THAT´S NOT THE KIND OF

THING I´M LOOKING FOR, EITHER.

>> SEAN, OUR 10:00´S IN MY

OFFICE. GEE. LOOKS LIKE

THE STAR-MAKING MACHINERY´S

WORKING A DOUBLE SHIFT IN HERE.

>> I NEED YOU TO DO THE CONSULT

WITHOUT ME. WE GOT SIDETRACKED.

>> YEAH. SIDETRACKED BY

GRANDMA´S FANTASIES OF

ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFETS.

>> BY THE WAY, COLLEEN, DID YOU

THINK ABOUT WHAT I ASKED?

ANY NEW SHOWS LOOKING FOR

A MEDICAL ADVISOR WHO, UH,

CAN ACT? MIGHT AS WELL BE

GETTING 2 COMMISSIONS INSTEAD OF

JUST ONE, HUH?

>> CHRISTIAN, I LIKE YOU.

[CLEARS THROAT] SO I´M NOT GOING

TO SELL YOU A LINE OF BULLSHIT.

>> [SIGHS]

>> I TOOK A LOOK AT THE FIRST

EPISODE OF "HEARTS AND

SCALPELS," SPECIFICALLY YOUR

OUTTAKES.

ACTING ISN´T YOUR THING, HONEY.

I MEAN, SEAN, NOW, HAS A GIFT.

HE´S WHAT WE CALL A NATURAL.

BUT I JUST DON´T HAVE THE TIME

TO TRY AND BUILD A CAREER FOR

SOMEONE WHO IS UNTRAINED AND...

UNTALENTED.

>> COLLEEN.

>> WELL, IT´S TRUE.

I´M SORRY, HONEY.

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> WELL, THAT WAS NICE, COLLEEN.

THAT´S GOOD WORK. YOU KNOW, JUST

GET HIM A GIFT CERTIFICATE FROM

BURKE WILLIAMS. IT ALWAYS MAKES

ME FEEL BETTER.

[DOOR SHUTS]

>> [PANTS]

>> LULU GRANDIRON.

>> DR. CHRISTIAN TROY. SORRY TO

KEEP YOU WAITING.

>> YOUR PARTNER´S JOINING US AS

WELL, CORRECT?

>> [EXHALES] ACTUALLY, MY

PARTNER IS OVERWHELMED WITH

HIS OTHER CAREER RIGHT NOW.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, I´M HERE,

AND YOU´RE MY ONLY PRIORITY.

SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF, MS. GRANDIRON.

>> CALL ME LULU, AND I´M NOT

HERE TO BE INTERVIEWED,

DR. TROY. I´M HERE TO INTERVIEW

YOU. I ASSUME YOU´VE HEARD OF

DR. WILLIAM HAMMERMAN?

>> PLASTIC SURGEON, SPECIALIZES

IN SOCIETY TYPES.

>> WOULDN´T YOU LIKE TO BE ON

THE SOCIETY PAGE, DR. TROY?

SURGEON TO THE CREME DE LA

CREME?

>> [SCOFFS]

I DON´T KNOW WHERE YOU´RE

GETTING YOUR INFORMATION, BUT

I´M NOT HURTING FOR BUSINESS.

>> DARLING, I´M NOT TALKING

ABOUT ALL THOSE DREARY LITTLE

STARLETS. I´M OFFERING YOU

A SHOT AT THE TRUE ELITE IN

THIS TOWN. WE´RE THE ONES WHO

PUT ALL THOSE NERDY BOYS IN

POWER, TAUGHT THEM EVERYTHING

THEY KNOW, AND THEN DIVORCED

THEM AND TOOK ALL THEIR MONEY.

>> [SCOFFS]

BACK UP A SECOND. WHAT DO YOU

MEAN--OFFERING ME A SHOT?

>> HAMMERMAN IS RETIRING.

MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I NEED A NEW

PLASTIC SURGEON. WE´VE BEEN...

INTERVIEWING CANDIDATES, AND WE

WANT YOU TO COME TO A DINNER

PARTY SO WE CAN GET TO KNOW YOU.

SATURDAY AT 9:00.

BLACK TIE.

>> I´M A PLASTIC SURGEON, NOT

A GIGOLO, AND I´M NOT LOOKING TO

BE PICKED OVER BY A PACK OF

BITTER DIVORCEES.

>> BITTER? [LAUGHS]

QUITE THE OPPOSITE. WE HAVE IT

ALL--EXPERIENCE, NO ONE TO

ANSWER TO, AND ALL THAT MONEY.

WE´LL SET A PLACE FOR YOU, JUST

IN CASE YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES.

[DOOR SHUTS]

>> ♫ AHH ♫

♫ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♫

♫ MAKE ME,

THE PERFECT SOUL

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIE ♫

>> THERE ARE 7 SIGNS OF

THE APOCALYPSE, RIGHT? NOT 2.

>> YOU 2 SOME SORT OF COUPLE

NOW?

>> MORE LIKE A TEAM.

>> WHEN SHE AND RAM SAW

THE VIDEO I MADE WITH AIDAN,

THEY OFFERED ME A DEAL AT

PENETRATE.

>> TO DO PORN. NICE.

>> EDEN IS ONE OF THE MOST

NATURAL TALENTS I´VE SEEN IN

A LONG TIME--WELL, SINCE MYSELF.

AND WE JUST HAD TO SNATCH

HER UP.

>> YOU MEAN, SUCK HER INTO THAT

DEEP HOLE OF WHOREDOM WHERE YOU

SPENT MOST OF YOUR MISERABLE

LIFE?

>> WE DIDN´T COME HERE FOR YOUR

APPROVAL. WE NEED YOUR HELP.

>> WELL, SINCE YOU´VE COME TO

THE WIZARD, I´M SORRY TO SAY

THAT WE HAVE NO MORE BRAINS

LEFT. OR HEARTS.

>> JESUS. WHAT HAPPENED?

[GLASSES CLICK]

>> I WAS FILMING MY FIRST SEX

SCENE WITH KIMBER, AND SHE HIT

ME.

>> BUT IT WAS BRILLIANT.

[NEW WAVE MUSIC PLAYING]

>> WE´RE SHOOTING MY NEW FILM

"INSIDE KIMBER HENRY"--IT´S VERY

ARTY. IT´S ALL ABOUT

SELF-EXPLORATION. AND SINCE

RAM´S TAKEN OVER MY CAREER, HE´S

ONLY ALLOWING ME TO DO SEX

SCENES WITH WOMEN NOW.

AND THIS WAS SORT OF AN HOMAGE

TO THE YOUNGER ME, WHEN I WAS

A VIRGIN.

>> ♫ ALL THE--[INDISTINCT]

AID MY MEMORIES,

GOT ME RUINING MY SUIT ♫

>> THE SCENE CALLED FOR ME TO

MAKE LOVE TO A YOUNGER KIMBER TO

EXPRESS MY FORGIVENESS OF ALL OF

HER YOUTHFUL INDISCRETIONS.

>> ♫ ALL THE--[INDISTINCT]

AID MY MEMORIES ♫

>> EDEN WAS TREMENDOUS. SO,

WE´RE BOTH CLIMAXING, RIGHT?

WHERE OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE

YELLS--

>> HIT ME.

>> ♫ WHAT I SHOWED YOU... ♫

>> HIT ME.

I´M A LITTLE WHORE, AND YOU NEED

TO HIT ME.

[GRUNTS]

I AD LIBBED A LITTLE. I WANTED

SOMETHING MEMORABLE FOR MY FIRST

FILM.

>> AND SADOMASOCHISM CAME TO

MIND?

>> IT´S THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME

A STAR NOWADAYS. I MEAN, YOU GOT

TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.

>> I´M GOING TO TAKE A LOOK.

>> WHAT´S THERE TO LOOK AT,

SEAN? I WOULDN´T FIX IT. MAYBE

IT WILL KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO

HER.

>> WELL, GUESS WHAT, CHRISTIAN?

WE DON´T WANT YOU TO FIX IT.

SEAN´S THE MARQUEE TALENT AT

McNAMARA/TROY, AND STARS FLOCK

TO STARS.

CELEBRITY IS A CLUB, AND IT´S

ONE YOU HAVEN´T BEEN INVITED TO

JOIN. AND YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD

FOR YOU, BABY, I REALLY DO,

BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD ANY REAL

TALENT, AND YOUR ONLY STRENGTH

WAS YOUR OWN STAR POWER. AND HOW

DISAPPOINTING IT MUST BE FOR YOU

TO REALIZE THAT IT´S FLICKERING

AT SUCH A DIM WATTAGE.

>> YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON´T NEED

TO LISTEN TO THE OPINION...

OF WHORES AND PORN STARS.

>> TRY BUSINESSWOMAN, JUGGLING

A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AND

MOTHERHOOD. AND YOUR

GRANDDAUGHTER IS DOING FABULOUS,

BY THE WAY, GRANDPY. IT WAS SO

CUTE YESTERDAY. SHE SAID HER

FIRST WORD, RAM.

>> [SCOFFS]

DESPITE POPULAR OPINION, I

ACTUALLY WORK WITH THE HOLLYWOOD

ELITE, AND I AM IN GREAT DEMAND.

SEAN, YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.

>> YOU FRACTURED YOUR EYE

SOCKET.

[DOOR OPENS]

>> IT´S DELICATE WORK.

[DOOR SHUTS]

>> THAT´S WHY I CAME TO YOU.

YOU HAVE JUST THE RIGHT TOUCH.

>> AND I´LL PAY, OF COURSE. I

JUST FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS.

SO, COULD YOU HELP US, SEAN?

[MONITOR BEEPING]

>> HOW YOU FEELING?

>> SCARED, ACTUALLY.

I ALWAYS THINK I´M GOING TO GO

TO SLEEP, THEY´LL PUT ME UNDER,

AND I´LL NEVER WAKE UP.

>> OH, NOT ON MY WATCH.

WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THIS,

YOU´RE NOT EVEN GOING TO

REMEMBER WHEN YOU STARTED TO

DRIFT OFF.

>> I USED TO HAVE A TERRIBLE

TIME FALLING ASLEEP, FOR

THE SAME REASON--

THE FEAR OF NEVER WAKING UP.

MAYBE I JUST NEVER KNEW WHAT I

WAS WAKING UP FOR.

>> LOOK, WHEN THIS IS OVER...

MAYBE IT WILL GIVE YOU A CHANCE

TO SORT OF RETHINK THINGS,

MAKE SOME BETTER CHOICES.

>> WILL YOU HELP ME, SEAN?

I KEEP GETTING MYSELF INVOLVED

IN THESE THINGS THAT...I DON´T

KNOW. YOU´RE THE ONLY ONE WHO

STILL CARES ABOUT ME. YOU

SHOULDN´T, AFTER ALL I´VE DONE,

BUT YOU DO. DON´T YOU?

>> I CARE ABOUT YOU GETTING

BETTER.

>> WILL YOU KISS ME?

JUST TO CALM ME DOWN.

>> AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS, WHEN

YOU´VE HEALED, WE CAN TALK ABOUT

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

>> SEAN, I DON´T HAVE A COUPLE

OF WEEKS. RAM HAS ME DOING

ANOTHER MOVIE IN 6 DAYS.

>> YOU´RE NOT DOING ANOTHER

MOVIE FOR THAT SMUT-PEDDLER.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO CHANGE.

>> I DO, BUT I DON´T HAVE

A CHOICE. I SIGNED A CONTRACT,

SEAN. HE OWNS ME. THAT´S WHY YOU

HAVE TO HELP ME.

>> I´LL FIX YOUR FACE, EDEN,

BUT THAT´S ALL I CAN DO.

>> OK.

COUNT BACK FROM 10 FOR ME.

[TANK HISSING]

>> 10. 9.

8...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

>> NICE PUSSY.

>> ♫ WHEN GOD APPEARED

BEFORE ME,

I WAS DROWNING IN MY POOL ♫

>> DR. TROY, COME MEET

THE LADIES.

>> ♫ HE SAID A LIFE OF

TEDIOUS... ♫

>> MARLA MIDDLETON.

>> NEWLY DIVORCED FROM MY THIRD.

>> CATHERINE WICKE.

>> STILL MARRIED, BUT

MULTI-ORGASMIC.

>> ANNETTE WAINWRIGHT.

MY HUSBAND DIED LAST YEAR IN

A SKIING ACCIDENT. BOO-HOO.

>> AND THIS IS DR. KAY.

DR. CASHMAN.

>> HELLO.

>> ♫ WAS HANGING,

BUT HE WOULDN´T CUT NO SLACK ♫

>> AND THE BERKOWITZ TWINS,

DR. JOSEPH AND DR. MICHAEL.

>> I´M DR. MICHAEL. HELLO.

>> AND I´M DR. JOSEPH. GOOD

EVENING.

>> ♫ I´M THE JAZZ DEVIL,

LIBIDO NEEDY,

I´M THE JAZZ DEVIL... ♫

>> SHALL WE DINE?

>> ♫ FLYMEAT IN THE MIX,

WHERE YOU CAN CALL ME

AGENT 00666, YEAH ♫

>> YOU LADIES SEEM VERY CLOSE.

>> WE ARE. I MEAN, I--

I´VE KNOWN ANNETTE SINCE SHE WAS

AN "A" CUP.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> LAST YEAR, WHEN I HAD MY

VAGINA TIGHTENED, IT WAS MY

GIRLS HERE WHO PULLED ME

THROUGH.

>> AWW.

>> IT WAS THAT DAMN HAITIAN POOL

BOY WHO DID ME IN.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> JEEZ. THIS REMINDS ME OF

MY LAST HUSBAND.

>> [LAUGHS] THE ONE SHE

NICKNAMED "IS IT IN YET?"

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> I´M SORRY. I--I DON´T GET IT.

>> WAIT A MINUTE. LULU, WEREN´T

WE SUPPOSED TO GET THAT ONE FROM

THE TV SHOW?

>> BUSY.

>> WELL, SCREW HIM, THEN, FOR

NOT SHOWING. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS

A SHOW? US.

>> I´LL DRINK TO THAT.

AND TO LOU VUITTON SHOES AND...

PERCOCET.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> I MEAN, SHIT. WE SHOP AND WE

SCREW, AND WE SCREW AND WE SHOP.

WHO WOULDN´T WATCH THAT SHOW?

>> ANNETTE, HAVE YOU LOST

WEIGHT?

>> DOWN 5. I HAVEN´T HAD A CARB

SINCE ´87.

>> SUCH DISCIPLINE. OK.

LET´S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

BOYS, TICKLE OUR FANCY WITH YOUR

CREDENTIALS.

>> WE GRADUATED FIRST...

>> AND SECOND...

>> IN OUR CLASS AT HARVARD.

>> BUT WE´LL NEVER TELL WHICH OF

US FINISHED WHERE.

>> NEVER.

>> I WENT TO BROWN.

>> DR. TROY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

>> WELL, I´VE NEVER SEEN

AN S.A.T. SCORE PERFORM

A PERFECT FEATHER LIFT.

FRANKLY, I DIDN´T GO TO MY OWN

GRADUATION. I WAS TOO BUSY

SPRAYING MY POPULATION PASTE ALL

OVER THE U. OF M. CHEERLEADING

SQUAD.

>> SOME RESUME. YOUR PARENTS

MUST BE SO PROUD.

>> YOU WANT TO SEE MY RESUME,

STRETCH?

[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR]

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

[PLATE CLINKS]

>> [EXHALES]

IT TAKES 2 THINGS TO MAKE

A GREAT SURGEON--

STEADY HANDS...

AND A MONSTER ONE OF THESE.

THE BIGGER THE COCK, THE GREATER

THE CONFIDENCE. THE GREATER

THE CONFIDENCE, THE BETTER

THE SURGEON. THIS DINNER IS

A PISSING CONTEST, AND YOU

LADIES HAVE ALL THE POWER AND

ALL THE MONEY. YOU´VE INVITED US

HERE TONIGHT TO ENTERTAIN YOU.

SO, I´M CUTTING STRAIGHT TO

THE CHASE.

ANY OF YOU BOYS THINK YOU CAN...

TRUMP MY ACE OF CLUBS?

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

[DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGS]

>> I WANTED YOUR NEXT FILM TO BE

SET IN THE 18th CENTURY. I JUST

THINK IT´S GOING TO BE MORE

ROMANTIC THAT WAY. WHAT DO YOU

THINK?

>> [SIGHS] I´M PLAYING A MAID IN

A WHOREHOUSE.

>> BUT YOU´RE THE UNDERDOG, AND

THE AUDIENCE IS GOING TO ROOT

FOR YOU. BESIDES, YOU´LL BECOME

THE HOUSE MADAM IN THE END.

>> [SCOFFS] YEAH, AFTER

A BUKAKKE SCENE WHERE A DOZEN

MEN STAND AROUND ME AND SPOOGE

IN MY FACE. UGH! THAT´S GROSS.

FORGET IT.

>> HEY!

>> I´M NOT DOING THIS.

>> HEY. SHOW A LITTLE GODDAMN

GRATITUDE. I WORKED ALL NIGHT ON

THIS.

>> EDEN.

SWEETIE.

KIMBER AND I HAVE BOTH BEEN

AROUND THIS BUSINESS A LOT

LONGER THAN YOU HAVE, AND

FRANKLY, SWEETHEART, YOU NEED TO

PAY YOUR DUES.

>> [SCOFFS] I PAID MY DUES

ALREADY, AND I WON´T BE DEGRADED

LIKE THAT AGAIN, NOT IF YOU WANT

ME TO BE THE STAR.

>> STAR?

DARLING, YOU´RE NOT EVEN A WET

SPOT IN THE PORN INDUSTRY. I´M

THE STAR. I´VE DONE OVER

50 FILMS. AND IF YOU WANT EVEN

HALF OF WHAT I HAVE, YOU´RE

GOING TO HAVE TO SHOW ME SOME

RESPECT.

>> HMM. [CHUCKLES]

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

FIRST OF ALL--[SCOFFS]

YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE

DILIGENT WITH THE MOISTURIZER.

AND SECONDLY, YOU WANT WHAT I´VE

GOT, BUT YOU´LL NEVER BE

18 AGAIN, NOW, WILL YOU?

I MAY BE NEW AT THIS, BUT EVEN I

KNOW THAT IT´S YOUTH THAT SELLS

PORN, NOT NOSTALGIA.

>> I´LL LOOK AT THE SCRIPT.

>> UNLESS YOU´RE FAMILY, WE

DON´T ALLOW VISITORS SO SOON

AFTER SURGERY. LEAVE, NOW.

>> SEAN.

WE WERE DISCUSSING BUSINESS.

>> DR. McNAMARA. RAM PETERS.

DOCTOR, YOU DID A FANTASTIC JOB

ON MY LITTLE GIRL HERE.

WHEN DO YOU THINK SHE´LL BE

CAMERA-READY?

>> LET´S DISCUSS THAT IN

PRIVATE.

>> [SIGHS]

DON´T YOU EVER CROSS ME AGAIN,

BABY GIRL. YOU´LL REGRET IT.

>> WHAT I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOU

IS WHAT WOULD YOU NEED TO BREAK

HER CONTRACT?

>> I DON´T BREAK CONTRACTS,

DOCTOR, NOT WITH ANY OF MY

GIRLS--EVER.

>> HOW MUCH?

>> [SCOFFS]

[LAUGHS]

WHY, DR. McNAMARA.

YOU CAD.

>> 10,000? 20?

>> I TELL YOU WHAT--I GOT

A BETTER IDEA.

I HAVE A LARGE STABLE OF WOMEN

OVER 50 UNDER CONTRACT AS WELL.

THEY´RE NOT THE TOP TALENT AT

PENETRATE, BUT THEY BRING IN

THE MOST RETURNS.

EDDIE, BOY!

GUYS LIKE TO SEE OLD GALS

POUNDED HARD. GUILT TITLES SELL

LIKE WILDFIRE.

FIX THAT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE OF THEIR AGE, I PAY THEM

A TENTH OF WHAT A 20-YEAR-OLD

WOULD MAKE. I CAN WORK THEM

TWICE AS HARD. THEY LOVE IT.

I´M FINDING THERE´S A SOLID

NICHE MARKET FOR OLDER WOMEN,

BUT IT´S HARD TO FIND ONES THAT

KEEP THEMSELVES IN SHAPE AT THAT

AGE AND ARE STILL WILLING TO DO

FILMS.

>> ♫ WHAT A CUTIE PIE ♫

>> GOOD WORK TODAY.

SO, YOU HELP ME TRIM THE FAT,

SO TO SPEAK, GET A COUPLE OF MY

OLDER GIRLS IN SHAPE, EDEN´S

FREE TO GO.

>> FINE. 4 GRANNIES--IMPLANTS,

LIPO. THAT´S IT. DEAL?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

>> I SURE HOPE SHE´S WORTH IT.

>> TELL ME WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF.

>> [PANTING]

>> I THINK YOU´RE PERFECT.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> YOU COULD USE SOME MICROLIPO

ON YOUR THIGHS.

[MACHINE SUCKING LIQUID]

>> MAYBE, UH--MAYBE AN ASS

IMPLANT.

>> SOCK IT TO ME, DOC.

SOCK IT TO ME, DOC, TO ME.

WHOA. OOH!

AAH! AHH!

>> ♫ COMIN´ FOR ME,

AND I DON´T KNOW

HOW THEY DO IT... ♫

>> YOU HAVE THE TITS OF

A 30-YEAR-OLD.

MAYBE YOU COULD GO UP TO

A DOUBLE "D," GIVE YOU THAT

FIRMNESS BACK.

>> THAT WAS THE BREAST-FEEDING.

HEY, WANT TO NURSE ME, PRETTY

BOY?

>> ♫ JUST 10 YEARS OLD,

I GOT IT FROM SOME KITTY

NEXT DOOR,

I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR,

AND HE GAVE ME THE CURE... ♫

>> [WOMAN GROANS AND PANTS]

OOH.

>> YOU NEED AN EYE JOB AND

A NECK LIFT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> MAYBE SOME BOTOX.

>> IS THAT ALL?

>> YOU WANT MORE?

>> UH-UH.

>> [TED NUGENT SCREAMS

INDISTINCTLY]

MEOW!

>> I DIDN´T BECOME PLASTIC

SURGEON TO THE RICHEST WOMAN IN

L.A. TO BE STUCK ON AN ASSEMBLY

LINE OF MIDDLE-AGED TITS AND

ASS. YOU´RE SUPPOSED TO HOOK ME

UP, GIVE ME THE KEYS TO

THE KINGDOM. [SIGHS]

WHAT AN IDIOT. JESUS. IF ANY

CELEBRITY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT

WHERE THE FIRST WIVES´ CLUB GET

THEIR FACES DONE--YOU AND YOUR

PACK WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY

ELSE TO BE AT YOUR BECK AND

CALL.

>> I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

THERE´S CERTAINLY NOTHING

GLAMOROUS ABOUT AN ASSEMBLY LINE

OF MIDDLE AGED TITS AND ASS.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A SURGERY THAT

WILL SET YOU APART, GIVE YOU

THE ATTENTION YOU DESERVE AS

A DOCTOR AND AS AN ARTIST.

>> [SIGHS] IT´S A GOOD START.

>> I´VE HAD A CHANCE TO WATCH

YOU WORK, DR. TROY, AND I´VE

SEEN THE RESULTS.

YOU´RE REALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN

A SCULPTOR, CHISELING AWAY AT

THE HUMAN FORM, MANIPULATING

TISSUE AND BONE. PLEASE, DON´T

EVER DENIGRATE YOURSELF. YOU´RE

NOT JUST A PLASTIC SURGEON.

YOU´RE A MODERN-DAY

MICHELANGELO.

>> [CHUCKLES]

I WOULDN´T GO THAT FAR. RODIN,

MAYBE. [SIGHS]

I´M GLAD THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.

>> OF COURSE I DO.

THAT´S WHY I SAVED MYSELF FOR

LAST. I AM THE CANVAS UPON WHICH

YOU CAN TRULY EXPRESS YOURSELF.

>> AND HOW EXACTLY WOULD YOU

LIKE TO BE EXPRESSED?

>> [INHALES]

I WANT MY FACE TO REFLECT

THE DUALITY OF MY NATURE,

MY...

SENSUOUS ANIMAL SPIRIT. THE...

SACRED FELINE ESSENCE WITHIN.

>> YOU WANT A SOFTER, MORE

SENSUAL LOOK?

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT

THE EGYPTIANS BELIEVED THAT

THE CAT WAS ENDOWED WITH

THE LIGHT OF HUMAN

CONSCIOUSNESS? THEY BELIEVE THAT

THE SOULS WHO HAD DIED ENTERED

INTO THE CAT, GIVING IT ITS

POWERFUL RADIANCE. I WANT YOU...

TO BRING ME CLOSER TO THAT

RADIANCE.

>> YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU LOOK

LIKE A CAT.

>> DON´T BE RIDICULOUS.

I´M NOT INSANE.

>> [CHUCKLES] THAT´S A RELIEF.

WHISKERS AND TAILS ARE REALLY

NOT MY SPECIALTY.

>> WELL, MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT

YOU. I THOUGHT, AS AN ARTIST,

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A WAY

TO ACCENTUATE MY MORE FELINE

CHARACTERISTICS, TO SUGGEST ITS

FORM WITHIN MINE.

>> WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT THIS

DONE?

>> IF I CAN NO LONGER BE YOUNG,

I WANT MY FACE TO REFLECT ALL

THE WISDOM AND POWER IN ME.

WE´RE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE

LIVING ORDINARY LIVES, YOU AND

I, BECAUSE NO ONE SEES US, NO

ONE REALLY KNOWS WHO WE ARE.

YOU´RE AN ARTIST, NOT

A MECHANIC.

I´M OFFERING YOU A CHANCE TO

PROVE IT.

[DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGS]

>> ♫ TAKE, TAKE

ALL THAT I AM,

TAKE... ♫

>> HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

>> IF I SAY I FEEL LIKE CRAP,

WILL YOU LET ME STAY HERE

LONGER? I CAN´T DO ANOTHER PORN,

SEAN.

>> YOU DON´T HAVE TO.

THIS IS YOUR CONTRACT WITH

PENETRATE. TEAR IT UP.

>> ♫ TAKE... ♫

>> [SCOFFS] DID YOU STEAL THIS?

>> NO. I JUST TALKED TO RAM, AND

HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU

I DO--THAT YOU DON´T BELONG IN

THAT BUSINESS.

>> [EXHALES] SEAN!

IS THIS YOUR WAY OF SAYING YOU

LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU?

>> IT DOESN´T MATTER HOW I FEEL.

THIS CAN´T HAPPEN. NO ONE WOULD

ALLOW IT.

YOU´RE 18. I´M OLD ENOUGH TO BE

YOUR FATHER. OUR FAMILIES WOULD

HATE US, AND BUSINESS WOULD TAKE

A DIVE. WE´D BE PARIAHS.

>> I DON´T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY

OF THAT. I DON´T. I DON´T CARE.

>> ♫ LOVE ME,

LOVE ME ♫

>> ♫ WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OH,

WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,

I´VE GOT FLOWERS

AND LOTS OF HOURS

TO SPEND WITH YOU,

SO, GO AND POWDER

YOUR CUTE LITTLE PUSSYCAT NOSE,

PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,

I LOVE YOU,

YES, I DO,

YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT NOSE,

WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OH,

WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,

YOU´RE SO THRILLING,

AND I´M SO WILLING

TO CARE FOR YOU... ♫

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> MAKING MY CLIENT HAPPY.

>> BY TURNING HER INTO GARFIELD?

>> NO. I´M BRINGING OUT HER TRUE

SELF. NOSE JOBS, TIT JOBS, TUMMY

TUCKS--THEY´RE ALL THE WORK OF

A SIMPLE CRAFTSMAN, WHICH IS WHY

SEAN IS SO GOOD AT THEM. WHAT I

AM DOING TO THIS WOMAN IS ART.

>> WHAT YOU´RE DOING IS

BARBARIC. BY THE TIME YOU´RE

DONE WITH HER, SHE´S GOING TO

LOOK LIKE THE SIDE OF A HELLO

KITTY LUNCHBOX.

>> WHY IS WANTING TO LOOK LIKE

A GLAMOROUS PUMA ANY MORE

STRANGE THAN WANTING TO LOOK

LIKE PAMELA ANDERSON OR

ANGELINA JOLIE? IT´S ALL

IDOLATRY, LIZ.

>> THIS SURGERY IS NUTS.

I´M OUT.

>> GREAT. GO ROLL YOUR EYES AT

THE GODDAMN GOLF COURSE FOR ALL

I CARE. [SIGHS]

LOOK, STOP PANICKING, LIZ. SHE´S

NOT GOING TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE

A CAT. SHE´S JUST GOING TO HAVE

A FELINE ESSENCE.

>> OH. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT

LINE, OUT OF HER LITTER BOX?

>> DON´T MOCK WHAT YOU DON´T

UNDERSTAND.

>> OH, I UNDERSTAND THIS. THERE

IS GOING TO BE A STORM OF SHIT

AROUND THIS, AND I´LL TELL YOU

RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT GOING TO GET

CAUGHT IN THE RAIN.

>> ♫ LIPS ♫

>> ♫ WHOA, WHOA ♫

>> ♫ YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT

EYES ♫

>> ♫ WHOA, WHOA ♫

>> ♫ YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT... ♫

>> YOU A DOG PERSON, TOO?

>> ♫ NOSE ♫

>> [SIGHS] WHERE ARE YOU, CHAZ?

PICK UP. LOOK, I NEED YOU TO

BRING ME SOME NEW MAGAZINES, MY

MAKEUP, AND SOME GOOD COKE.

[CHUCKLES] CALL ME BACK, OK?

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

>> HELLO, EDEN.

>> [EXHALES] JESUS. YOU SCARED

ME.

>> SORRY.

>> DO I KNOW YOU?

>> WELL, NOT TECHNICALLY, BUT

WE´RE KIND OF IN THE SAME

FAMILY. I´M COLLEEN ROSE, SEAN´S

AGENT.

>> WHERE´S SEAN?

>> BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT. I

THOUGHT YOU COULD USE A SPECIAL

LOVE-YOURSELF EDEN BEAR.

[CHUCKLES] MAYBE A SYMPATHETIC

EAR. I MAKE THESE FOR PEOPLE.

LISTEN.

>> [SQUEAKING] I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

>> [GIGGLES]

>> OK, THAT´S CREEPY, AND SO ARE

YOU. LOOK. I DON´T NEED YOU TO

MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. WHAT I NEED

ARE SOME MORE PAINKILLERS.

>> I WAS LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW.

HAD ALL THE BOYS EATING OUT OF

MY HAND, AND THE ONLY ONE THAT

I WANTED WAS THE ONE I COULDN´T

HAVE.

>> [SCOFFS] EXCUSE ME?

>> WHEN YOU´RE A MAMA LION, AND

YOU SEE A BABY CUB IN DISTRESS,

YOU INSTINCTIVELY MOVE TO HELP.

>> [SCOFFS]

>> YOU NEED TO BE TOLD

THE TRUTH.

>> MMM. AND WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?

>> SEAN DOESN´T LOVE YOU.

AND HE NEVER WILL.

>> [SCOFFS] AND YOU KNOW ALL

THIS BECAUSE?

>> BECAUSE THERE´S NOTHING HE

DOESN´T TELL ME. THE MALES OF

OUR SPECIES ARE JUST SILLY,

SELFISH, PREENING FOOLS, WHICH

YOU WILL COME TO UNDERSTAND.

>> [CHUCKLES]

MY GOSH.

OH. YOU´RE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH

SEAN. [CHUCKLES]

YOU´RE A DESPERATE OLD BAG WHO

HAS A PATHETIC CRUSH ON HER

CLIENT. WHAT A CLICHE.

>> OH, PLEASE. THE WHOLE WORLD

IS IN LOVE WITH SEAN. THAT´S NOT

THE POINT.

>> WHAT IS THE POINT, COLLEEN?

>> I HEARD SEAN AND AIDAN

TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY LIKE TO

PASS YOU AROUND AND HOW YOU´RE

QUICKLY BECOMING THE TOWN PUMP.

AND THEY SAID IT IN FRONT OF

A LOT OF CREWMEN. IT WAS

DISGUSTING, ESPECIALLY ONE GRIP

WHO SAID, "I´D LIKE A PIECE OF

THAT WHORE." AND SEAN AND AIDAN

LAUGHED AND SAID, "WE CAN MAKE

THAT HAPPEN. SHE´LL SCREW

ANYBODY."

HE´S USING YOU, HONEY, ALL

RIGHT? SO HE CAN FEEL YOUNG AND

VIABLE. THAT´S ALL.

>> HE SAID HE HAD FEELINGS FOR

ME.

>> YEAH, FEELINGS FOR YOUR SWEET

SUGAR TITS, MAYBE. NOT FOR YOU.

LOOK, I WENT TO YOUR DEFENSE.

I SAID, "SHE´S JUST A BABY."

AND THEY SHOULD START LOOKING AT

WOMEN THEIR OWN AGE. BUT THAT´S

OUR SICK SOCIETY FOR YOU.

>> [SCOFFS]

YOU´RE A LIAR.

>> YOU LOOK AT ME, HONEY...

AND TELL ME YOU REALLY THINK

I´M LYING.

>> [WHISTLING]

HEY, YOU. HOW´S YOUR TV SHOW

GOING?

>> SINCE WHEN DO YOU WANT TO

HEAR ABOUT THE SHOW? HMM?

>> DESPITE WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK,

SEAN, I DON´T NEED FOR YOU TO

FAIL IN ORDER FOR ME TO BE

HAPPY. I WISH YOU MANY YEARS OF

SUCCESS ON YOUR LITTLE TV SHOW.

>> SPOKEN WITH INCREDIBLE

CONDESCENSION.

>> NOT AT ALL. I HAVE A GREAT

RESPECT FOR THE MEDIA. IT´S NOT

FINE ART, BUT IT DOESN´T PRETEND

TO BE, AND IF IT´S AN OUTLET FOR

YOUR CREATIVE ENERGIES--

>> YOU´RE DOING THAT SMUG THING

AGAIN.

>> OH.

>> WHENEVER SOMETHING NICE

HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU BECOME

THE CAT THAT ATE THE CANARY SO

YOU CAN BASK IN YOUR 5 MINUTES

OF SUPERIORITY AS LONG AS

POSSIBLE.

>> I´M NOT BASKING IN ANYTHING.

I´M JUST FEELING NEWLY INSPIRED.

I´M LOOKING AT MY JOB IN A NEW

LIGHT, LIKE A FORM OF

SELF-EXPRESSION, TRUE ART.

IT´S LIKE I´M MICHELANGELO...

WITH A 10 BLADE.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

>> HELLO?

>> SEAN? BLISS. YOU HAVE TO MEET

ME AT HOLLYWOOD AND HIGHLAND.

>> WHY? IS THERE A SALE? BLISS,

IT´S THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

>> LOOK, I DON´T GIVE A SHIT

WHAT TIME IT IS, OK? THIS IS

AN EMERGENCY. YOUR CAREER AND

YOUR REPUTATION DEPEND ON IT.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

>> HMM.

ALL RIGHT. I HAVE TO GO.

BLISS IS HAVING A MELTDOWN OR

SOMETHING.

[PLATE CLINKS]

>> LISTEN, MICHELANGELO, I´M

GLAD YOU´RE FEELING INSPIRED,

BUT JUST REMEMBER--

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

A PLASTIC SURGEON AND A SCULPTOR

IS THE MARBLE DOESN´T SUE IF

YOU SCREW IT UP.

>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

>> THERE WE GO.

>> YUMMY-YUM.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> [INDISTINCT]

>> OH, NOW, YOU DON´T NEED

THAT--

>> LADIES.

>> OH! HOW IS SHE?

SHE CAN´T EVEN TALK UNDER ALL

THOSE BANDAGES.

>> I MEAN, WE TALK AND WE TALK,

AND SHE JUST NODS. IT´S LIKE

DINNER WITH MY HUSBAND.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> AWW.

>> ♫ SHE´S SITTING WITH YOU,

BUT HER EYES ARE ON THE DOOR ♫

♫ OH, HERE SHE COMES... ♫

>> I THINK YOU´RE GOING TO LIKE

WHAT YOU SEE.

>> LULU!

>> ♫ OH, HERE SHE COMES,

SHE´S A MAN-EATER,

OH, HERE SHE COMES ♫

>> OH.

>> ♫ OH, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT,

WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT,

OH, HERE SHE COMES-- ♫

[BANGS]

>> JESUS CHRIST!

WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?

>> OH! YOU´RE JEALOUS.

LET ME SEE.

LET ME SEE.

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> OH. OH, I LOVE IT. OH,

I WORSHIP IT. [GASPS]

[HISSING]

I´M A HOT LITTLE PUSSY NOW.

>> SHIT. SHE´S OFF HER MEDS.

>> WHAT?

>> MEDS?

>> [SCOFFS] SHE´S BI-POLAR.

JESUS, A WOMAN ASKS YOU TO TURN

HER INTO FRISKY, AND YOU DON´T

SUSPECT THERE´S SOMETHING

SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER?

>> YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU HAVE TOO

MUCH DICK AND NOT ENOUGH BRAINS.

>> I CAN FIX THIS.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER, OR

YOU´RE GOING TO BE GIVING NOSE

JOBS TO HOMELESS WOMEN ON

SHITTER´S ALLEY.

>> COME ON, GIRLS. WE´RE OUT OF

HERE.

>> OUGHT TO BE SHOT.

>> [SIGHS]

>> COME ON.

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> HOLLYWOOD AND HIGHLAND? "A,"

WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DOING

OUT HERE? AND "B," I DON´T

BELIEVE YOU.

>> OK. THE CHANEL MAKEUP WAS

75 OFF, AND I LOVE A GOOD SALE.

SO SUE ME. NOW, I KNOW THIS

SEEMS SHOCKING AND TERRIBLE, BUT

I CAN SPIN IT--IT IS SO GOOD.

LIKE, "VANITY FAIR" GOOD.

"POSING AS A POWER PLAYER AMONG

HOLLYWOOD´S ELITE, SHE WAS

DESPERATELY HIDING A SECRET LIFE

OF TALKING BEARS AND

INTERACTIONS WITH HIDEOUS VALLEY

TODDLERS."

>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

>> WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MINUTE,

PLEASE?

>> COLLEEN, WHAT´S GOING ON?

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> IT´S MY NIECE´S KIOSK, AND

I´M JUST FILLING IN ´CAUSE SHE

WAS SICK. WHY? IS THAT WRONG?

>> AND THE LIES JUST KEEP ON

COMING. THIS ISN´T YOUR SECOND

JOB, COLLEEN--IT´S YOUR ONLY

JOB. I CHECKED WITH MALL

SECURITY. YOU´RE HERE, ON

AVERAGE, 8 HOURS A DAY.

>> WHY DON´T YOU JUST BUTT OUT,

YOU STUPID LITTLE BARBIE DOLL?

>> OH, I KNEW THERE WAS

SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. I JUST

KNEW IT! YOU´RE JUST A SAD

LITTLE NOBODY WITH A GOOD SCAM.

>> YEAH, WELL, WHO THE HELL ARE

YOU TO CRITICIZE ME FOR HAVING

2 JOBS? WHAT, DID YOU EVER LACK

FOR ATTENTION?

>> OK, JUST SPARE US THE STURM

UND DRANG, HONEY, OK? I CHECKED

THE ENTIRE DATABASE OF LICENSED

AGENTS, AND YOU´RE NOT ANYWHERE.

YOU NEVER WERE AS FAR BACK

AS ´85.

>> YOU LIED ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

THAT´S UNFORGIVABLE. I DON´T

CARE HOW HARD YOU WORKED.

I TRUSTED YOU.

>> DOES THAT MEAN THE FACT THAT

I GOT YOU THE LEAD IN "HEARTS

AND SCALPELS" MEANS NOTHING TO

YOU? WHY, BECAUSE I DON´T HAVE

THE RIGHT PIECE OF PAPER?

>> DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY OTHER

CLIENTS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CLIENTS?

>> YOU´RE SCARING ME.

I WON´T HAVE YOU TALK TO ME THIS

WAY WHEN I TREATED YOU WITH

RESPECT.

I DESERVE RESPECT, TOO.

>> COLLEEN, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE

ME ALONE NOW. NO CALLS, NO

VISITS, NOTHING. THIS IS THE END

OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. DO YOU

UNDERSTAND?

>> HOW DID YOU EVEN GET ON

THE LOT, ANYWAY? THE TOUR?

>> WHY? WHY ME?

>> DON´T EVEN ASK, SEAN, OK?

SHE´S CLEARLY DEMENTED.

COME ON.

>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

>> [WHIMPERS]

>> [GRUNTS]

[SNIFFS]

YOU KNOW I DON´T LIKE IT WHEN

YOU DO THAT, MAMA.

>> DON´T START WITH ME ABOUT

WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE,

NOT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO START

COMPLAINING.

>> YOU KNOW...

I THINK YOU´RE THE CAT´S

PAJAMAS.

BUT THIS IS BUSINESS.

THAT´S WHY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

YOU´RE A HOT, SEXY WOMAN WHO

ALSO UNDERSTANDS THE BUSINESS

SIDE OF MY LIFE...

THE REWARDS...

PRESSURES.

>> I GET IT.

JUST DON´T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

[CLATTERS]

>> HI.

>> HI. [GRUNTS]

>> HOW´S MY BABY DOING?

>> GOOD.

>> YEAH?

>> HMM.

>> WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.

[GRUNTS]

[MONITOR BEEPING]

>> [RESPIRATING]

>> GO AHEAD. SAY IT.

[METAL CLANGS]

>> I KNOW YOU WANT TO.

FINE. I´M AN IDIOT, OK?

>> AND?

>> AND WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO GET

ON MY KNEES? I´M SORRY.

>> AND JUST SO WE DON´T GET

SUED, THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE

COMES IN HERE WITH AN OUTRAGEOUS

REQUEST, YOU´LL DOUBLE-CHECK

THEIR BACKGROUND FIRST.

>> LIKE YOU RESEARCHED COLLEEN?

>> THAT´S DIFFERENT.

>> HOW? SHE CAME INTO YOUR

OFFICE, BLEW SMOKE UP YOUR ASS,

AND YOU HANDED HER YOUR CAREER,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED. HMM?

>> YOU´RE RIGHT. DAMN, IT FELT

GOOD, THOUGH, GETTING MY EGO

STROKED LIKE THAT.

>> IT´S A MENTAL BLOWJOB. YOU

CAN SIT BACK, RELAX, LET THEM DO

THE WORK WHILE YOU GET OFF.

>> IT´S ADDICTING, THOUGH. I

FEEL LIKE I´M IN WITHDRAWAL.

>> YOU GOT WORSE PROBLEMS THAN

THAT, MY FRIEND. YOU THINK

YOU´RE AN ACTOR.

[SURF ROARING]

>> [SIGHS]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

COLLEEN?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I´M CALLING 911.

[CELL PHONE DIALING]

>> [WHISPERS] I think that´s

a good idea.