Original subtitles

Bring out the prisoner!

This man has been accused of conspiring with the Valdrogians!

Should he be granted mercy?

No!

Then, in the name of King Cragnoor the Heartless,

this man is condemned to death!

Wait, do we drink when they scream or when they throw mud?

One for scream, two for mud, three for the crazy hag.

There she is.

You're all gonna burn in hell!

The devil's gonna pick his teeth with your bones!

Mm.

Do you ever feel like we're living

during a particularly bad period in history?

- It's time to kill a person! - Whoo! Yeah!

Sometimes.

Man, I hate this stupid town.

Hi-eee!

Oh, hey, guys!

Oh, my God, did you see the execution yesterday?

So good.

My favorite part was that thing at the end

when they cut that guy's head off.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that guy was innocent.

Man, I can't believe summer's over.

I know, right?

And we're all, like, adults now with jobs.

Oh. What are you guys... doing?

Well, Ted Carpenter's gonna be a carpenter.

Yeah, Mary Baker's going into baking.

And Wesley is...

W-What are you doing again, Wesley Pervert?

Stuff.

Just stuff.

- Nice. - Cool.

What are you thinking of doing, Alexandra Shitshoveler?

I'm going to school.

- What? - I-It's this...

It's this new thing where you learn information?

I've been preparing for years.

Saving up money, teaching myself how to read and count.

But what are you gonna do for your job?

Anything.

I could go into science or law or travel.

You mean, like, past the tree?

Yeah. Or, like, farther.

So, off the Earth?

I was thinking more like, you know, a city.

Al, not to be harsh,

but that's the dumbest [BLEEP] thing I've ever heard.

But, great news, if the school thing doesn't work out,

you can always shovel shit, just like your dad.

See you tomorrow, Agnes.

Thanks, Eddie.

Jennifer, you feeling okay?

I haven't seen a lot from you lately.

- I'm good. - All right, just checking in.

- Abigail. - Oh?

I'll see you after breakfast, and, Peter, after lunch.

Life doesn't get any better than this.

Some caviar for you, Winifred?

Henry, you have already had seconds.

Don't be greedy.

Now, everybody focus.

It's showtime.

The Valdrogians believe their cavalry can outrun our archers.

But we shall sow their fields with blood.

We shall burn their homes,

take their land,

- destroy... - Hi, Dad!

[BLEEP]

Great news!

It took 16 months,

but Prince Chauncley's Amazing Duck Show

is finally ready to premiere.

This is not a good time.

Are you sure?

Because Jargar and Bloodgosh

look like they could use a laugh.

Right, guys?

No?

Lord Vexler, would you get rid of him, please?

I'm going to ask you a personal question.

Do you think I've lived up to my father's expectations?

Hmm.

What makes you wonder?

By my age, my father had already earned his terrifying nickname.

I haven't earned any nickname at all.

Perhaps he would respect me more if I were more like him?

Eh, I mean, probably, or, you know, just less like...

- you. - Hmm.

Yes.

Okay, class, settle down.

I know it's the first day, but we've got a lot to get through.

The Earth is flat.

The devil is real.

The sun is crazy.

And that is everything that we know.

Congratulations, graduates!

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo!

That's it?

Well, no.

You still owe tuition.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

What a journey.

Goblin! Kill the goblin!

Oh, shit!

Kill the goblin!

Goblin!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

For the last time, my brother is not a goblin!

But he's got the devil's mark!

- That's just a third nipple. - Aye!

That's where the devil takes his suck!

God, Reggie, just go home.

Come on. You're such a bully.

Get out of here!

Oh. How was your day?

Yeah, not bad. How about you?

Mm. I don't want to talk about it.

Congratulations, graduate!

Ah, your mom would have been so proud.

Mm. Thanks, Dad.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I just feel like I made a huge mistake.

I mean, we didn't learn anything practical.

And now I have this expensive degree,

but it's not like I can do anything with it.

Aw, Allie, sweetheart, just because you're done with school

doesn't mean you quit learning.

That's why I got you this.

Dad! You don't have to get me anything.

- You earned it. - What is it?

I'll bet Allie can guess.

Not if you don't give me a clue.

Okay, let's just say I've been reading you for a while now,

and I hope you don't judge this gift by its cover.

- Oh. - But if you read me correctly,

I'd say you just might book it.

It's a shit shovel! For shoveling shit!

I mean, now that you're done with school,

you can finally join the family business.

Yeah. Oh, congratulations, Al.

Yeah, uh, thanks.

Wait, what were all the allusions

you were making to books and reading?

Oh, no. Just because there's writing on it.

You know, I mean, these are words.

I think that's your name.

And watch this.

Whshht! Boom!

It also doubles as a gravestone.

So when you drop dead shoveling,

it's just one-stop shopping, baby.

- Wow! - Look,

it's just like mine, only you got the newer model.

All right, you.

Off to bed 'cause you need your rest.

Tomorrow starts your real education.

Mm.

Everything in the world is perfect.

Dad, why do we have to start so early?

Well, you know the shoveler's pledge.

"Any time, anywhere, even if it's big."

- That's the pledge? - Yeah.

It's easy to remember because it doesn't rhyme.

First job. Big moment.

Okay. Let's just get this over with.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy there, cowboy.

I got to teach you "la technique."

All right, now, never turn your back on the cart,

and always lift from your neck.

The neck is the body's power center.

Why are these shovels so short?

Well, this way we have to stoop over more, and it's harder.

Those are negatives.

That's the way my dad taught me.

I remember what he said just before he died of shoveling.

"Son, I feel weird."

All right.

What did you say?

I want to help you conquer the Valdrogians,

to swing the sword, and hit the... the...

The... the things.

Yeah, like you.

You do realize that defending our kingdom

is a solemn and sacred honor?

Once you take up arms, there's no going back.

Oh, yeah! No, I totally get it.

Do you?

Totes.

For the first time in my life,

I can gaze upon you without feeling wrenching shame.

Thank you.

I-I-I love you, too.

Lord Vexler, escort him to the town gates

with full military honors.

Are... Are you sure about this?

He... He doesn't even have any armor.

He can wear mine.

All right, we're coming up on Mitchell's house.

Now, he's a heavy hitter.

He's got real health problems.

But don't let that psych you out.

You know, just... We got to get in there.

Hi-eee!

Oh, God.

I'll be right back.

Hey, guys!

How's it going?

Not gonna lie. It's pretty lit.

Carpenter stuff is going great,

and Wesley Pervert over here is killing it do...

What are you doing again, Wesley?

Things.

- Nice! - Cool!

Oh, and Mary's got some big news.

I'm getting married!

I think you met him. He's my brother.

Sorry, fiancé.

I just got to get used to it.

Fiancé. Fiancé.

Still feels weird.

Anyways, how's school?

- Uh, you know, it... - Al.

You dropped your shit shovel.

Wait. Oh, my God.

I'm so confused. Are you shoveling shit?

That is so great.

I just love this for you

'cause when you said you were doing school,

I was like, "Huh," but this just fits.

It's like you finally found your thing.

Speaking of, I took a truly wild shit

behind that tree over there.

Do you think you could...?

Oh, we're all over it.

Hey! Tell them about today's special.

No, I don't think they want to hear about today's special.

Please tell us about today's special.

Uh, Double Trouble Tuesdays are here.

Triple Dookie Sweepstakes.

Buy one, get one, kids go free.

That's my girl.

Aw!

Nice seeing you!

Well, that went great!

I'd say we earned our lunch today.

Hey, don't turn your back on the cart.

Gonna take my lunch break alone.

Oh. Okay, well...

Well, see you later.

Huh.

All hail Prince Chauncley, the... TBD.

Thanks for letting me tag along.

We are honored to fight by your side.

You do your father proud.

Ohh, guys, come on!

We mean it.

It isn't every prince who would march into the Realm of Blood.

Uh, listen, I'm a bit of a battle newbie.

These Valdrogians we're off to conquer,

what's, um... What's the sitch?

They're a war-based people.

A band of blood-mad maniacs who live only to kill.

Hmm, so... so, they all have previous fighting experience

is... is what you're telling me.

Their currency is blood,

their music human screams.

They have no fear of death and live as ghosts.

But our... our weaponry is superior, I imagine.

I don't know.

They have these new things called guns.

They're pretty nuts.

Maggie.

Right, I'm taking my break.

My dad is driving me crazy.

He's just... He's so old-fashioned and rigid.

You need to lower your expectations.

I mean, look at me.

I've been in this convent two days,

and I can already tell it's a total dead-end job.

I mean, the pay's crap, the upward mobility

is nonexistent, but it's cushy.

I mean, we're supposed to cut off our tongues,

and they never even check.

Go ahead and tell on me, Trish.

Oh, wait, no.

You can't because you've got no tongue.

off!

I just always thought our lives would turn out differently.

I mean, didn't you think you'd be doing something... more?

No.

Where you been?

You missed the post-lunch rush.

Sorry about that.

You know, this business isn't something you can play at.

I mean, it requires dedication, hard work...

W-W-W-What the heck is that?

Oh, I just made a slight design modification.

You made a what... What... a what-what?

I made the handle longer. Why?

So I don't have to, you know, stoop over.

Aw, sweetie, you're supposed to stoop over.

I showed you. That's how we do it.

Maybe there's a better way?

Okay, I get it. You're confused.

I've been throwing a lot at you today, but don't worry,

you have the rest of your life to master this.

But in the meantime, let me just fix this for you.

Ohh!

All right, all set.

Now, I want you to re-shovel what you shoveled,

but do it the right way.

What? Re-shovel what you shoveled.

No, I'm not gonna re-shovel what I shoveled.

- Why not? - Because it's already shoveled.

I'm trying to teach you how to shovel.

I don't want to shovel!

Have you ever considered that maybe there's a chance

that I don't want to do this stupid job?

No, because you...

You don't care about what I'm going through.

You don't care about me at all.

Uh, uh, okay, but...

What?

You turned your back on the cart.

Stop that cart!

I say, I'm starting to think that, um, strategically,

this... this battle might be a bad idea.

That's no excuse to turn back.

After all, we're able-bodied men.

Stop that cart!

Oh, no! I've fallen out somehow!

Aah! Ah, father.

I apologize for summoning you from your war chamber,

but as you can see, we have had quite the calamity,

and I have become wounded.

Aah.

Look, it's perfectly obvious that you faked this injury.

What?! No!

Dad, I...

How, even?!

It's not my fault somebody pushed a cart at me!

Oh, somebody pushed it?

Yes, that is what I am now saying,

that somebody else did this.

Then punish them.

What?

If somebody else is responsible,

then punish them!

Or can you not even do that?

No, no, no, of course I can.

Um...

Who... Who... Who is responsible for this?

Yeah, hi, uh, uh... It was me.

Uh, I did whatever the thing was.

I'm very sorry.

Come with me.

I just... I can't believe

they're gonna chop your head off.

You'll do fine without me, kiddo.

Just remember this life advice...

If you work hard and be kind,

everything will always go your way.

Bring out the prisoner.

Got to go.

Dad!

Why did you take the blame?

For the same reason I do everything.

'Cause I'm your father, and I love you.

I am so sorry. Everything I said, I...

No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

The truth is you're too smart for this job.

You get your brains from your mother.

Before she died, I-I promised her

I'd do my best for you.

I taught you everything I knew this morning.

And I know you'll succeed at whatever you do.

Got to go.

Is this good for you?

In the name of Prince Chauncley the...

Wait!

You can't kill this man.

Uh, why not?

This kingdom needs him.

He is the heart and soul of this town.

I mean, Linda,

when you ate that curry, remember?

He was there.

And, Todd, when you had that flu thing,

he was there.

A lot.

And, Mitchell, I mean, where to start?

We all need my dad

because he is the kind of guy who is there for us.

Any time, anywhere, even if it's big.

Yeah, look, I-I'd love to help your father,

but I'm afraid it's just not possible.

What? Why not?

Well, it's hard to explain.

I come from a long line of murderous tyrants,

and there's just...

There's a lot of pressure on me to, um...

Carry on the family tradition.

Yes.

Yeah, e-e-exactly.

And when everyone expects you to be one thing,

can you ever really be a different thing?

I don't know, but you can try.

Um...

Wait. Uh...

Let... Let him go.

We've been waiting for an hour. At least torture him.

Yeah, or flog him.

Yeah, or spank his butt or suck his dick or something!

Hey, let's hear it for the prince. Chaunc-ley!

Chaunc-ley! Chaunc-ley! Chaunc-ley!

Oh, wow. He... He did not like that.

Well, I thought it was pretty cool.

Huh.

Pretty cool.

Ugh.

Terrible.

Bring out the prisoner!

Hey, no crazy hag this time.

Wow. Yeah, that's a first.

Oh, wait, no, she was just hiding in that barrel.

You know why this town is so stupid?

Because nothing ever changes.

You're all gonna burn in hell!

Like this?

Close.

You might want to move your hands a little higher.

Okay.

Gotcha.

Here goes nothing.

Oh, yeah, I can get used to this.

Right?

Oh, thanks, Allie.

Anytime.

You want to grab lunch?

- Really? - Yeah.

I'd say we earned it.

You lead the way.