Original subtitles

Ah! Jesus!

Dad, it's eight in the morning.

Aren't you ashamed? What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?

It's my stag do.

Yeah. And did you celebrate it by yourself?

No, by myself, no. With Paco.

Paco!

Yes, yes.

Hey, wait. One more thing.

Which one do you think is better to get married with?

It makes no difference.

Why? Because I look great in either of them?

No, because you're not going to get married.

Paco, I'm getting married, right?

Yes, yes.

-Which one should I wear? -Neither.

Why? Don't you like them? They're gorgeous.

Oh yeah, they're gorgeous alright,

but the thing is you're not going to Mexico.

Are you just going to let her go, pregnant and all?

What do you want me to do? I might not even be the father.

If I was,

you'd be in her tummy instead of sitting there bugging me.

You're the one who has been sat here two hours without going in

because your wedding is inside.

Think about it, if I get married today and you are here,

-maybe she's your mother? -The gardener?

Like you believe that, dad. Don't invent fairy stories.

Life isn't a fairy story.

So why don't you go on in?

-Where do you go, crazy woman? -To the airport, can you take me?

But you've always been mad about romantic comedies

and they always end up well.

Yes, with a wedding, like Javi and the gardener.

But that's not a happy ending at all!

It's like... a... a bad afternoon soap opera.

Yeah, if it's a daytime soap, as an ending, it's tacky.

Life isn't like the movies which pisses me off, 'cos Javi was right.

You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

Can't you both stop bugging me and give me a hug cos I'm leaving,

and it makes me really sad you're not coming with me.

I'm not going to hug you!

I'm the gay friend

and they're always the last to give up in a romantic comedy.

Great, okay, you can take me to the airport.

No, no, no.

That goes in the garden, the garden, sunshine,

and those flowers in the hallway

so don't leave them there, hey?

Oswaldo, what are you up to?

Listen, that's not what we agreed on.

No, no.

This is the worst catering company I've ever worked with.

No, no, it's not what we agreed.

What? Amateur?

Look, guess what? You're fired.

Yes, fired, you can swallow your own shit food.

Please! Can you believe this?

I can't believe it. Can you tell me what's going on here?

The catering company has left us up shit creek.

It's not right.

No, this isn't right. Can I remind you, you're an oncologist,

not a wedding planner?

And can I remind you you're marrying my sister in a couple of hours

and I've just lost the caterers?

No worries, you're Argentinian,

we'll get the barbacue going and throw some meat on it.

You think it's funny? Really?

Look, it's all prepared, all prepared.

The waiters, the trays, the plates,

even the after disco karaoke.

All that's missing is the damn food.

Look, David, I don't want a disco and certainly not a karaoke.

Have you ever seen me at one?

Every time you get drunk

you want to go to a karaoke and sing 'Hey' by Julio Iglesias,

-you think you're a great singer. -I do it pretty good.

-Um... -Don't go changing the subject.

This isn't a real wedding for godsake, it's a formality.

A formality? It was a formality until you idiots decided to

accept the offer of the Immigration guy to marry you

and so if this all goes tits up,

they'll deport my sister and I swear, I swear

I'll cut your balls off!

You're the right height for it.

No...

C'mon, get working!

Javier isn't getting married.

Everyone knows.

It'll be like the films. At the last moment,

Marta will turn up at the wedding.

And what's more, you have no one to go with. Do you miss her.

Couldn't care less.

Elisa can do what the hell she wants with her life.

I meant your wife.

Oh, yes, yes, so did I, so did I.

Look, okay, you won't believe me,

but I swear to you I really miss my little piggy-wiggy.

Hi there.

I have a package for Ignacio Rubirosa.

They told me this is his only known address.

Yes, it's for me. Who sent it?

Jesús Rubirosa.

My father?

You're asking me?

No, no, I know he's my father, well, I think so, but...

You open it. I'm getting a bad feeling.

No, don't get me involved in your messes.

-It's not going to explode. -I won't!

-Can you open it for me? -Me?

Here are some dogtags, like those of some Vietnam nerd.

And a letter.

'Dear Nacho:

I've been thinking a great deal

and the best part is that I think I need to leave the battlefield.'

'Elisa is the most wonderful woman I have ever known,

but I failed you once son,

and this will be the second time I abandon you.

The first time I hurt you deeply,

this time I'm leaving so that I don't make that same mistake.'

Now what do I do?

-Well, you have to sign here. -That's not what I mean.

I'm going to do something crazy! How much to rent your bike?

-Leave my bike alone! Hands off! -Well, I'll take the van!

-Quick, Rafa, give me the keys! -But where the hell are you going?

I'm going to find Elisa

like in a romantic comedy! Don't you get it?

What I don't get is why you just don't jump in your own car.

You just want to ruin all the excitement!

Can't someone make these things prettier?

'In 500 meters, turn right.'

Giovanni, what address did you put in my phone?

The airport.

Iris, what address did Giovanni give you?

"He said, literally:

'Let's go to Javi's to stop this fucking wedding.'"

Telltale!

Look, Javier, do me a favour, let me organize everything, okay?

Don't get nervous

and just try to enjoy your day.

It's just such a normal day,

that's what's making me nervous.

Hey ho! Hey! Well, finally, here they are, half-an-hour late.

Hm, very good, yes, good good.

Yes, it's okay. Look, this is Javier, the bridegroom,

these are Claudia's parents and mine of course.

What they have to do is to go round meeting everyone

so when Immigration get here, they seem to be family,

that there's a connection...

Uh... But... but... you're actors?

Yes.

You've hired actors to play your parents?

Yes, I realize that the casting was perfect.

We'll have to say that Claudia is adopted,

they're not going to believe that they're your parents.

Javier, they are our parents, they arrived yesterday from Argentina.

But didn't you just say they were actors?

They are actors. So what? Why shouldn't they be?

Don't you know that in Argentina half the population are actors,

and the other half are therapists?

Ah.

Nice to meet you.

Eh... Sorry, if you will excuse me, I have to speak to the bride,

I mean, with your daughter, excuse me.

Yes.

No, mum, he's like that, don't worry.

-Claudia? Are you there? -Javi! What are you doing here?

It's bad luck to see the bridal dress.

Well, I'm going to take the risk. I need to speak to you, please.

No, I'm already dressed and I don't want to jinx the wedding.

Speak, I'm listening to you.

Have you seen my house?

It's all done up for a super-wedding.

I've just met your parents and you don't want me to see you,

this is beginning to look too much like a wedding.

Would you rather it looked like, a funeral?

Well, maybe I will have to kill your brother, yes.

Claudia, c'mon, this isn't a real wedding,

I mean, it's real, but it's not real-real.

You understand me, right?

We both have to know exactly where we stand.

What band?

No, Christ, not band. Stand, stand.

This is ridiculous. Can you come out, please?

But turn around so you can't see me.

Er okay, c'mon, ready. Come out.

Okay, you see?

Now we can talk.

Okay, what I was saying was...

This is nuts, I want to talk to you properly...

-Jesus! What are you playing at? -What do you think?

I took off the dress so I could talk to you.

Er...

Claudia, look, everything is getting out of hand.

We should both be clear about which things are real

and which things aren't.

Javi, you mustn't worry.

I know exactly what's real and what's not.

And you?

Me? Me too, of course.

Clear as daylight.

So you should get your outfit ready, shouldn't you?

Excuse me?

You're not getting married like that?

Ah, okay...

Er... Not really, no, no.

You neither I suppose.

Eh... Well, if that's that...

see you later at the altar.

-Bye bye. -Ciao.

Coming!

But what the hell are you doing here?

I came as soon as I could, I've got something important to tell you.

Nacho, look, I'm sorry, but I can't...

Wait, this time you won't have to push me off.

Elisa, I realized that my dad is in love with you

and I think you feel something for him.

But... but, Nacho...

It's absurd that you're not together just because of me.

Anyway I have to get back my pi... my... Míriam.

-And you? -I'm surplus to requirements.

Just promise me that you'll call him

and give him an opportunity.

Okay.

Okay, I'll call him.

Thanks.

And don't take too long, he's old enough already.

Ciao.

Your son really cares about you.

But he's an asshole. Old enough already?

I'm like a little kid.

Oh!

Rafa, I owe you one! I swear, thanks a million!

I didn't know how to fix the catering problem.

-What do you bring? -Beer on tap.

No, but what about the food?

Look, we all know there's not going to be a wedding.

-People will want to drink. -What do you mean no wedding?

Don't you watch romantic comedies in Argentina?

How can it end this way? What a shit ending.

This wedding is going ahead, it's all ready to go.

The happy couple, the guests, the waiters...

Even the civil servant who is going to marry them.

Shit, the civil servant who is going to marry them!

-Calm down, relax. -No, I'm perfectly calm.

I'm talking to myself, numbnuts. Get inside, get inside.

Hi! How's things?

I'm the bride's brother,

the bridegroom's friend and the wedding planner.

And I'm the district councillor

and crack marriage of convenience detector.

Oh.

-Just kidding! -Oh! Yes, of course. Come in.

Hi.

I'm the best man.

What?

Javi told me to come to be his best man.

Oh! Strange, I thought

I'd be the father or the brother.

I didn't know that Javi had a father.

He's the best man and doesn't know her father?

But he does know the brother, right?

Yes, I, I know... Chechu.

Hello. Uff, I thought I'd be the last to arrive,

-not that there's any hurry. -Sh!

Paco! Hey, what are you doing here?

He's the best man.

Ah. And who might you be?

The councillor who's going to marry them.

Ah! How's it going? I'm the brother of the bride.

Chechu.

And I'm Nacho, nice to meet you.

Let's all go inside, hey?

-Let's go. -Councillor.

How's things, Paco, my man?

Marta, have you never seen 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'

-or 'My Best Friend's Wedding'? -Giovanni, give it a rest.

What are you looking for? Oh, sure you want this

to be more like 'Love Actually' or 'Casablanca'.

-What do you mean? -Gotcha.

You want Javi to come

to tell you not to go and you kiss in the rain.

-Rain? We're in an airport. -Right, an airport.

There's nothing more romantic than an airport.

Well, give me a romantic kiss because I'm leaving.

You're going nowhere!

Let's stop this wedding now.

-You're making me hysterical! -Stop being a pain in the ass!

I'm going to the bathroom and then I'm off.

Gorgeous!

Love is beautiful when it's the real thing...

and as if to show how real this love between Claudia and Javi is,

all the people who love them the most are here,

David and Paco, the parents of the bride,

the father of the groom and his brother, Chechu.

Yes!

-Let's begin, friends. -Stop!

Hey... hey...

Sorry.

Hey...

It's just that I have to nip to the bathroom.

Now?

Can't you wait?

No, must be beginner's nerves,

I've never been married before,

I didn't know I had to have a wee beforehand.

If you'll excuse me a minute.

He's off. You owe me twenty.

What are you saying? We didn't bet.

Yeah, I dunno, but that's what they say in the films, right?

C'mon.

Bye.

Hello?

Hello?

Okay, I know that I told you to go,

but now I could really do with your help.

C'mon, please!

I just need you to tell me what to do

so I can do the opposite.

That's the way we've always done it.

Okay.

If you're there inside listening give me a sign.

Yes?

Oh, Josemi, it's you.

Hey?

Yes, I have saved your number,

I just didn't look.

What? Dad did what?

No, no, no, no,

Tell him not to even think about, it, okay?

Okay, look, I don't care,

I'm about to get on a plane, he can do whatever he wants.

-Can you tell me what you're up to? -No. What are you up to?

Marta is waiting for you at the airport and you here.

She's not waiting, she's off and that's it.

If she didn't want to go, she could come to the wedding.

Why does everyone think this is a romantic comedy except you?

You too? For real?

Have you noticed that romantic comedies don't have a second act?

Because they're not believable,

no one could be such an idiot for such a long time.

Sure, but a New York policeman can keep killing Chechen mercenaries

over a six-part franchise because it seems realistic, right?

Well, yes, it's like that, with New York cops

or hired killers or orcs killing elves in Mordor,

but love stories don't have sequels, they finish and that's it.

Well, I don't know if I want to live in this shitty world.

Excuse me?

Are you so stupid that

you think it's more believable that people kill one another

than love one another?

'Thanks and have a safe flight.'

'Last call for Marta.'

Someone stop her catching this flight.

Someone stop the wedding before the 'I do'.

It's no longer cool to want the handsome prince.

and fairy tales just make us wince.

And though you're no longer a damsel in distress,

You want to be the heroine, of this stupid mess.

Someone stop her catching this flight.

Someone stop the wedding before the 'I do'

You want to be Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock.

Bridget Jones though not quite so plump.

And dance 'til you drop by the light of the moon

with a kiss at the end

that will make us all swoon.

It's not strange or obscene

to love the silver screen.

Someone stop me getting on this flight.

Someone stop the wedding before the 'I do'

It's no longer cool to want the handsome prince

and fairy tales just make us wince.

It's not strange or obscene

to love the silver screen.

But what the hell are you doing here?

I think we can go on now.

I'm skipping the part about 'speaking now or holding your peace'

-we can't let... -This wedding go ahead!

I still don't know why you asked me to come along.

In case they go for us, son, in case they beat us up.

And who is this gentleman?

He's one of my patients who went a bit mad after an operation,

-but don't worry... -I'll deal with him.

Eh...

Excuse me once again, this is a family business.

I'll be right back.

C'mon, c'mon.

I'm coming.

Marta, Marta, listen,

I arranged all this with my ballroom dance group

to stop you from leaving.

You think I'm not going to go so I can stay with you?

No, no, not with me, with Javi, with Javi.

After all the mess I got you in I had to do something.

And after all, that's why I'm your therapist.

Can you tell me what the hell you're doing here?

I've come to help, it's the least I can do

seeing that you gave me a kidney.

-In the end he didn't. -True, it was an anonymous donor.

-It was me. -Don't be so touchy!

Can you give us a minute to speak in private?

-But... -Go, go, go!

Javi, you're making a big mistake, you can't let Marta go.

I'm afraid it's too late for all that.

It's never too late,

let me tell you, I only just found out.

Marta is pregnant and off to Mexico with a baby that's not mine.

Listen, I'm going to tell you something I never told anyone,

not even my own kids.

When I met Marieta, she was already pregnant with Marta,

by someone else, of course.

Mmm.

I thought I wouldn't be able

to love her like a real daughter,

so I can understand you.

I was going to give up

and leave Marieta when I found out she was pregnant

and look what happened.

She was the one who left me and went to México

and I begged her to leave Marta with me

even though she wasn't my daughter.

I'd also want one of Marta's kids if it wasn't mine.

Thanks, Joaquín.

I'm going to the airport.

Eh...

I'm going through here, okay? So they don't see me.

Good luck. I'm glad my advice was helpful.

It was a beautiful story but I didn't swallow a word,

Marta isn't even the eldest of your kids.

No.

I'm the eldest.

Tell me the truth, dad,

Am I your son?

Christ!

Have you seen your siblings?

I know you'll never be able to forgive me, Josemi.

Well...

You know my name.

So you're not angry with me?

You've been the worst bastard a son could have,

But you wanted to be my father.

Dad, I love you.

Uh!

Javier, where are you going?

Oh... Well...

Let's see, it's not what it looks like, I mean, we've...

had a problem with the catering and as I'm...

You're going to look for Marta, right?

Excuse me?

I twigged right from the start.

-Nothing gets past me. -No, no, let's see, what...

Eh...

Okay, right, yes, you got me, hey...

And now what'll happen to Claudia?

Not much, following section

27 004/11 of the Immigration Act

she'll be deported immediately.

What?

But...

Couldn't you possibly look the other way?

I've been looking the other way since I was a child.

Yeah...

But you could do something, couldn't you?

What can I possibly do?

Look, I marry you in a jiffy,

you go to the airport, get divorced in a month

and I'll keep quiet about it.

Sorry, sorry.

Hey...

And now, if we're agreed, to avoid any more surprises,

we'll go straight to the 'I do'.

Ok, yes we do. C'mon.

Oh... I mean, well, I want to say

that we both want to go to the 'I do'.

Good.

Claudia San Pietro, do you wish to marry Javier Rubirosa

under the terms of this act?

I do.

And you, Javier Rubirosa, do you wish to marry

Claudia San Pietro

under the terms of this act?

Oh... Yes, yes, I do.

Great.

By the power vested in me, I now declare you man and wife.

I suppose you can kiss the bride.

Marta!

Marta! Marta, wait! wait!

What? What should I wait for?

I waited and hoped for many things,

from you but that was not what I expected.

I want to have this chid with you.

Javi, you just married someone else

and anyway, it's not your child.

If this was a romantic comedy, you wouldn't leave like that.

But it isn't, life's not like that, you were right from the start.

No, no, Christ, I was wrong I'm a jerk because...

I don't know any cops from New York.

What?

I don't even know anyone who owns a gun

or anyone who kills Chechen mercenaries ,

I don't even know where Chechnya is for godsake but I do know

loads of people who've been together for years

who are still in love

and I'm a jerk because all I want to do is love you,

and love you forever and I know it's not going to be easy,

but it's probably more difficult killing orcs in Mordor.

What is all this shit?

Something a very small person told me.

David?

What? No, Christ!

Anyway, what does it matter?

She told me, but what she tells me is what I thought anyway.

I've no idea what you're speaking about, but I saw what I saw.

I'm going to the airport.

Marta, wait, it didn't mean anything.

Look, okay, I was with that girl,

and you with your step-brother, we have to forget about it.

I wasn't with my step-brother, you idiot.

I decided not to go to his room

because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

And how do I know what's true?

You can't, but it doesn't matter, you always choose not to believe me.

And why should I believe you now?

Javi, you just got married in front of my eyes!

Something you never even considered doing with me,

so if your 'I do' was sincere, I hate you,

but if you are only capable of faking an 'I do',

I don't love you any more.

Excuse me. Don't put the bag on the floor,

put it on the seat next to you, the one that's free.

But there's a girl sitting here.

Whatever you say.

Mum, can you explain why you lied to dad?

Argh!

Who the hell are you?

I'm an imaginary projection of your unconcious mind

-manifesting itself in the form of... -What?

Oh dad, you're so dumb.

Mum wasn't with the sculptor or with anyone else.

Isn't there a little something that you are forgetting?

I'm going to be a dad?