Original subtitles

It won't be perfect.

And we'll have to work at it every day,

but I want to be with you...

and not just today or next week,

but...

forever.

Foreve...? Foreve...?

Stop this shit, David! This film is ridiculous!

Stop.

Why don't we do it like Noah in 'The Notebook'?

Who is Noah, your ex?

I wish. No. I'm sure my ex would think Noah is a right wimp.

'The Notebook', the most romantic film ever made.

Don't you like romantic films?

All romantic films end in a death or a kiss.

'Titanic', death.

'Pretty Woman', kiss. 'The Notebook', death.

'Bridget Jones', kiss.

'Bridget Jones II', kiss.

'Bridget Jones III', kiss.

What do you think you're doing? So much talk about kissing...

Aren't you listening to what I'm saying?

I don't want the kiss.

I prefer death, to out in style.

What happens after the kiss?

That's...what they don't tell you, hey?

They reach the best part and bingo.

The best part usually comes after the kiss.

Stop trying to kiss me, numbnuts!

We need proof that this relationship is real

for the Immigration guys.

How you met, what made you fall in love,

and when he asked you to marry him.

When they ask me I'll, just make it up.

Javier, you're not a romantic.

If you make it up, it won't look good.

How do you know if I'm romantic?

Close you eyes.

-Eh? -Close you eyes.

What?

What colour are my eyes?

No, you musn't look.

Okay, okay.

Oh... I don't know! Who cares what colour his mate's eyes are!

Fair enough.

What colour are Claudia's?

Er, well... kind of greenish.

Right, green...

tending to black.

See what I mean?

Closing your eyes is the crucial moment of the love scene.

It's the code, Javier.

And you don't have the code.

What code are you talking...?

Okay, right, that's it.

We'll carry on with numbnuts Noah's soppy notebook...

Okay! Action!

Listen, a relationship

is like a bottle of wine.

You take out the cork, you're dying to taste it,

to savour it and then... It's gone...

and nobody wants a hangover.

Therein lies the trap,

because after the kiss, there's always the hangover.

Marta!

Wow! But...

What a coincidence!

I can't believe it.

Just what I needed. Are you stalking me?

What? What are you talking about? Stalking you?

No, no, no. What are you on about?

No. I... I come here a lot.

The owner is a friend of mine.

What's the name of the restaurant?

Um... it's called Marta's Tavern.

Ana. Juana.

Okay, yes, I was following you.

And so? It's not a crime.

-Yes, it is a crime. It's stalking. -Okay, very...

Okay fine, yes, yes.

It's a crime, okay, yes. So what?

I'm not doing anything wrong, hey?

Oh, it's a medical emergency.

-What medical emergency? -This one. I am a doctor and...

I needed to see you urgently.

Hear me out, please! Marta, I've left my wife.

Well, I let her leave me,

but I did it for you.

I've changed. I'm on a healthy diet.

I've started to paint.

I'm doing ballroom dancing classes.

I've changed.

Yes, into an old git. Congratuations.

I'd give it all up for you.

Don't want you to give up anything! I want you to leave me alone!

All of this is your fault.

No, no, stop.

This isn't believable at all.

It's a photo album of a love story,

but, if there is no love, it's not believable.

It's supposed to be a romantic photo on the beach.

What isn't believable is that a photo will make

all this look like a beach.

Rafa is a wizard with Photoshop.

It'll look perfect.

All the sand and so on;

the pool will look like Copacabana.

David, do you trust this idiot?

Normally, no.

But he is a dab hand at this photography business...

If I was your therapist, I'd say

that it's very easy to blame others for your own actions.

But, as I'm not your therapist,

you can throw anything at me. Anything you want.

Sorry.

-I'm sorry. -Don't worry. It's...

I'm used to it.

You can't imagine the number of pregnant women who've puked on me.

Did you say 'pregnant'?

Yes, you know...

pregnant women... throw up a lot.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Can we continue? I'm getting cold.

Yes, let's get on with it.

Hey... Claudia, you stay there and you,

Javi, put yourself on the towel, okay?

Show a little bit of love, hey?

And drop the book, make it look real.

I always read on the beach. That's realistic.

If we have to be realistic, I always go topless on the beach.

So I'll strip off.

No, no, no! Are you mad! No!

How can you show them off in front of these guys?

Don't worry about me. I'm a professional.

It's a good idea.

That way the inspector will only be looking at her.

Could you just try and do something to make it look real?

I can't do everything! I can't do everything!

Rafa, when you do the Copacabana Photoshop bit,

-will there be people swimming? -If you want. Why?

-To make it more realistic. -No, no, no!

No, no, no, no! No!

Nacho. You have to stop this.

The Uber thing is just a stop-gap.

No, no, no, not that, this. This is what you have to stop.

You requested it using the app.

All the hire cars in Madrid

and you chose mine. Then you sit.

in the passenger seat as if you were my partner.

-Theses are all signs. -Yes.

Signs that you have been going round and round my street in a

loop for the last three weeks.

And everytime I ask for a car, yours shows up.

Maybe, you're obsessed with me

and when you see another photo, you imagine it's my face.

Look, this has to stop or I'm liable to do something stupid.

What kind of stupid?

Like taking the metro to the airport.

Have you seen my dad again?

Why do you care?

You are my ex, he's my dad.

If I wasn't bothered, I'd have to be a psychopath.

Me and your father are history.

Nacho, I'm sorry about all that happened,

but, when I met him, I didn't know he was your father and afterwards...

it was impossible to see him as your father.

That's it. I only wanted to see you to see how I felt.

And how do you feel?

Like it's over.

That this has been a disaster for the three of us and that's all.

The four of us. Don't forget your wife.

Yeah, yeah.

By the three us, I meant my father, Míriam and me.

I wasn't counting you, you're not family...

and you never will be.

What are you doing?

You have to take me to the airport. I used the app.

Joaquín, this isn't working.

I can't feel any sexual tension.

But we're in a park.

It takes time to get to know someone. Yeah.

They're not going to...

Are you talking about the dogs?

Of course.

-I wasn't... -Silly boy!

-I was meaning the dogs too. -Oh.

You're right.

In the park they feel shy.

And if we take them to a more private spot...

Do you mean we should go to my place or yours?

Or to a hotel. It'll be more exciting.

-For who? -The bitch.

And the male? I don't know about the male.

Maybe, his collar is too tight and...

Do you think we should let him off his lead?

I don't know.

But remember, perhaps, if you let him off the lead...

...he'll run away.

There must be a way to stop him,

because I'm convinced that the bitch loves to be tied up.

Let's see, Amparo,

I know it's not normal for a dog to

resist so much when he meets a dog in heat.

But you have to realize

that he's been muzzled for a long time and...

Doesn't know how to wag his tail anymore?

Excuse me?

We're still talking about the dogs right?

-Of course. -Otherwise,

you'd have gone a bit too far with the 'in heat' business. I am a lady.

To be or not to be?

Or in my case, am I or aren't I.

Do you mind giving me a little privacy?

Of all the crazy things I have had to put up with since we met,

this is the one that affects me more than you.

Does that face mean no?

Are those little lines...

me?

Isn't a bit strange that you're still there

instead of here?

Maybe it's because I want to know who my father is.

So I don't get a big surprise when I pop out.

The important thing is that I know.

But do you know whose I am or not?

Of course I know.

So is my dad Javi... or the Mexican?

-What do you think? -I don't know.

And the odd thing is, it's the first time I don't know what do you think.

Well, you'd better get used to it.

Do you mean to say that when I'm, born I won't know your thoughts?

No, and you'll never know what any girl is thinking ever.

What would Marta think if she saw all this?

I don't even know what I think.

She should think that it's a marriage of convenience.

It's not very convenient for you if you want Marta to forgive you.

She doesn't have to forgive me.

And I should be the one thinking about if I should forgive her.

And what is your plan to have me?

Maybe I don't want to have you.

You do want to have me and you want to forgive Marta.

Otherwise I wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be speaking about her.

Get it into your head! I no longer wish to have kids!

Hey... I was rehearsing

in case the inspector asks tomorrow.

Great, but if he asks something,

you don't need to scream into his face.

So,

You don't want to have kids with me?

-Excuse me? -I'm asking because of the inspector,

in case he asks; just rehearsing the answer.

It's difficult to know what a girl thinks,

but I can see right through this little minx, dad.

We can't let you go to Mexico.

I called Marta and she's coming straight over.

Hey!

Just as well! I don't know how many more slaps I can take.

Dad, you're not going to Mexico.

I'm trying to get your mum back!

And to get rid of this collar.

What collar?

I'm not giving up and neither should you with Javi.

What's that got to do with it? You're fooling yourself about mum,

and I have no other choice. Javi's getting married.

Well, he's getting married because you're letting him.

Ouch!

You really do ask for it son.

Mum has had twenty years to come back and she hasn't, has she dad?

And Javi took 20 days to replace me.

It would make more sense if I went to Mexico.

-And moreover, Amparo is here. -And who is Amparo?

C'mon, c'mon. You have to tell me everything.

Does she fancy you?

Dad is playing the hard man.

Amparo is up for it, he talks about her all the time, but he's scared.

You're going to get, another slap.

Dad, you're not going for mum's sake,

you are running away from love.

Give it a chance.

-That's what I say. -Who else needs to tell you?

Christ! You're right, daughter of mine.

I can't stop talking about her but then I get scared.

But that's exactly what I said!

What does it matter who said what? What does it matter?

The important thing is that your sister is right.

That's nice, you're frightened of me,

but not of the cuckoo moving into your nest.

Claudia isn't moving in.

The wardrobe is full of her clothes

and her dirty knickers are in the laundry basket.

She's pretending she lives here

because the inspector is coming today, and anyway they're clean.

If her knickers are clean or dirty is the least of it.

Good morning, my love.

Hey... What are you doing here?

Bringing you breakfast, darling.

And that's not a bit strange?

Isn't that a bit strange?

Don't worry. I'll do it just until the inspector gets here,

to get used to the house.

And I wanted to say thanks for everything you've done for me

with a special little surprise.

What special surprise?

What special surprise?

You just have to get into bed and close your eyes.

-Don't get into bed. -Don't get into bed.

Javi, I've only brought you breakfast in bed.

You have to be in bed so you can have breakfast in bed.

-Butter wouldn't melt. -Can you shut up for a minute?

You're having regrets, aren't you? It's normal.

This is too good to be true. Hey... Javi,

you can back out if you want to.

Tell her you're backing out. She's putting it on a plate.

No. Uh...

Wait. Hey...

Thanks.

She put it on a plate! You didn't have to take the plate!

Okay, it's so they can see we have a normal life...

so it seems we're in love...

with no sex of course.

You've just given the perfect definition of marriage.

-Good afternoon. -Hello.

Hey! You're David. David, the...

-friend of Javi. -Yes, how's things? All okay?

Look, I..., hey...

I wanted something for a wedding.

We don't do many orders for men, but...

we are experts in made-to-measure.

It won't take long in your case because...

you're David the... the friend of Javi.

-It's for my sister. -Ah, your sister.

-Your sister, the gardener? -Yes.

For Javi's wedding?

And you want a dress for your sister's wedding?

Yes, well, that's it, yes!

I want a dress for my sister the gardener's wedding to Javi.

-That's right. -Are you off your rocker?

How can you come to the shop of the groom's ex

to buy a wedding dress?

No, well, not buy exactly.

I was thinking that you might be able to lend it me.

What are you playing at little man?

-Are you making fun of my height? -No, your stupidity.

Get out before Marta arrives.

Shit!

-What? -Hide, quick!

Here.

Can you believe that idiot David sent me a message

saying he wants me to lend a wedding dress to his sister?

No way! What a cheek!

Let him come, we'll see, I'll cut his balls off.

Marta, this isn't what it seems.

Well, my bit, yes.

I wanted a wedding dress for my sister,

but the wedding isn't real.

That's why I wanted to borrow it,

so as not to spend so much cash on a wedding

that's really a kind of joke.

Oh, I just love joke weddings.

Watch me laugh.

In fact, this afternoon, an inspector came

to check out the house...

to the...

house.

There. C'mon, yup, I'll show you the dresses.

What?

Are you going to let him dress his sister in one of ours?

No, no, no!

Hey, hey!

-Marta, Marta! -Don't let him out.

-I'm going to stop this wedding. -Let me out.

What a fright! I thought you'd gone mad.

And, yes, you are crazy, but in your own crazy way.

Go, crazy woman! Run!

Let me out! Marta!

Marta, don't even think about it!

'It won't be perfect. And we'll have to work at it every day,

but I want to be with you,

and not just today or next week,

but forever'.

You're not such a bad actor after all.

If I saw this video, I'd think you fancied the actress a little bit.

-Hey! -Ah!

Idiot!

Get out of my house.

You can't throw her out.

I was speaking to you.

Half of this house is in my name.

-I'll leave you both to it. -No, no, no.

Stay. We're going to clear all this up.

An immigration official is about to arrive.

If they catch Claudia, they'll throw her out of the country.

Poor lamb, what a pity!

Let's be clear, she'll be sent to Argentina.

She's not escaping from some war-torn hellhole.

I understand how you feel.

If you understood, you wouldn't be marrying the gardener.

-What's her job got to do with it? -What?

If I was marrying a lawyer, would you still be mad?

What does it matter if she's a gardener?

It's a turn of phrase you knob! What does her job matter?

My thoughts exactly.

Maybe you have a strange obsession with gardening as a profession?

If you want me to tell you to go to, you're going the right way about it.

If I was her, I'd tell you to go to hell.

-Whose side are you on? -No one's. But let's calm down.

The inspector is due at 18:30 and...

-I'll go. -No, wait, Marta, stop!

Marta, stop. Think about what you're doing. Don't act like...

A spoilt girl?

When the door opens, you stop ringing the bell.

Oh, really? Excuse me.

-What a beautiful bride! -Hey?

Claudia Sampietro, I presume.

-Er... -No, no, no, no.

I'm not the one getting married.

-I'm Claudia. -Yes.

So, may I ask who are you?

I'm the gardener.

Just the gardener.

And you work in the garden like that?

No, no, no. She was just leaving.

Yes I was, but now I think I'll stay.

Hadn't you finished everything?

Well, the Judas Tree is getting out of control

and maybe I need to give it the snip.

Forgive me for looking at everything,

but some unwary souls

have tried to sneak a marriage of convenience past me.

Really?

Isn't that difficult to prove?

Difficult? Why?

Well, I don't know, we're speaking about love.

How do you measure that?

Because, well, it's not like doing your tax returns.

If they investigated some people's love life,

and they haven't declared much, they might end up having to pay it back.

Yes, I suppose I am the tax man of love.

Yes, well, I imagine there are those who are guilty

of fraud at the Tax Office of love.

You know?

Suddenly they are cooking the books,

maybe, dodgy cash-in-hand transactions...

with their therapist.

The analogy was getting a bit stretched,

but you lost me completely with the therapist.

Anyway, any doubts,

if you want to ask us anything else or to see the house...

or the video of when he proposed, for instance?

Oh! If I were to tell you

how many times people have tried to get the proposal from

the 'Notebook' past me...

What was yours like?

Sorry for butting in, but they haven't told me either.

It... Well, the proposal was...

Normal. It was... very normal.

What? Don't look at me that way.

As soon as I think of something to say, I'll ring.

No.

Perhaps we should go

and arrange to meet some other day so you can see her pooch.

Don't give me that look, eh?

I'm not scared. I'm here, aren't I?

And you're so brave, really brave,

but you haven't exactly got anywhere yourself, have you?

Amparo!

While you make up your mind, you should come in,

it's chilly here and you might catch cold.

Yeah. No, it's just that... Didn't know if I should call or not

because I thought: 'Maybe it's early or too late, depending on what for'.

Are you coming in or not?

In, I'm coming in.

One moment.

I'm coming in, I'm not not coming in, no, I'm coming in...

I... In, coming in, I'm coming in, look, coming in.

That's about it then?

If you want to know any more, ask away.

We love to talk about our beautiful love story.

-Don't we, my love? -Yes.

Normally, to make sure,

we like to talk to someone who isn't a family member,

a neighbour, maybe.

Will an employee do?

It's not the normal thing,

but in this case we'll make an exception.

What do you think about this love story?

Me? What do I think about it?

I don't know if it's love.

But, obviously,

Javier has opened his home,

his life, his future to Claudia.

And if that's not love,

it's pretty damn close.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the greenhouse

to hibernate for a bit.

Marta, Marta, wait, Marta!

Uh...

I need to tell her

not to forget to put the automatic sprinkler on.

Back in a mo'.

More coffee?

Thanks...

for not spilling the beans.

As for the house, as soon as I finish this,

I'll move and it's all yours.

I don't want it. I'm going to Mexico for a while.

You're going because of your brother the sculptor?

He's not my brother and he lives in Berlin.

Yeah.

Well, have a nice time in Mexico.

It's a good place to escape to.

I'm not escaping. I'm going because my mum is there.

When it's born the father won't be there but the grandomother will.

When it's born...

Are you pregnant?

No, Marta, wait!

If you're pregnant, you can't leave this way

and I can't get married.

We have to stop all this, my love.

I wish you had said that earlier.

Earlier?

If I'm pregnant, you don't want me to go.

If I'm pregnant, you'll stop the wedding.

So, you knew you were hurting me,

but me alone, I'm not a good enough reason to stop.

It's not like that.

Okay, we'll stop the wedding. Great.

And, if I lose the baby tomorrow, will you get married or what?

I love you, and I'll love you just the same.

I don't care if you're pregnant.

If they're triplets, I'll love you just the same.

Are you sure?

And what if it's not yours?

Even then?

Marieta,

I'm not going to tell you what I did because I'm a gentleman,

but I've been wanting to say something for a long time.

Oh, that made me feel just dandy!

What? Don't look at me that way.

I wasn't talking to anyone.

No. Look.

You see? There.

Please...

And I'm not going to tell Marieta either.

It's not her fault

how daft I've been all this time.

Dear God!

What the hell!

20 years...!

without watering the plants!

Well...

She's going to Mexico.

The gardener is going to Mexico?

Yes. Oh...

She just loves Cactus.

And some more good news. Marcial has offered to marry us.

Are you Marcial?

Yes. Besides being an inspector, I'm also a local councillor

and Claudia tells me you don't have anyone as yet.

So we'll have to fix a date, won't we?

Yes.

Why can't you tell me who it is?

Because I don't know if he'll be there when you are born.

So I can't rule out either of them.

Honey, I...

I think the time has come for me to go on alone.

You want me to go?

You're already here and in a couple of months,

we'll see each other again.

And everything will begin for real.

This has been like a... like a rehearsal.

Trust me.