Original subtitles

I told you, Nacho's wife doesn't talk to him

because he didn't tell her about Elisa.

-And Elisa? -She doesn’t talk to Nacho either,

or to Jesús because they wanted to share her between father and son

as if she were some pepperoni pizza.

-And Jesús? -Jesus doesn't talk to Nacho either

because of Elisa; Javi doesn't talk to Jesús,

but that was a long time ago.

-Javi? -He talks to everyone,

except with me until he explains what’s going on with my sister.

Nacho and Javi?

Can you stop talking as if we weren't here?

He is here, but it feels he wasn’t.

What the hell is wrong with him?

I think he has love issues.

Thanks again.

You didn’t have to bring me to the airport.

Thank you, I was mad at everyone.

I needed to laugh and, above all, to be listened.

I loved listening to you.

Good thing you didn't need to be seen,

it would’ve been hard for me.

'Ladies and gentlemen, the airport staff reminds you... '

Still here?

Hey, last night at the hotel...

No, let’s not talk about yesterday.

-Excuse me, mate. -Yes?

Lorenzo Cuervo?

Yes, that's me.

I am your steward to accompany you to board.

What love issues? He's not in love with my sister

because he knows she’s going back to Argentina.

I’m sure your sister fell in love with him.

-It always happens. -Yes.

All who hook up with him end up in love and want to be serious.

-He has a gift. -That’s nonsense!

It’s not your thing.

You’re not hot enough for them to just want to get laid.

Not funny enough for them to treat you as a friend.

So...

Friends like you are priceless.

Well, you're spraying a friend’s sister.

Who are you to give lessons?

Aren’t you the suitcase wrapper?

Yes, miss. You've got a good memory!

I must’ve impressed you.

It was the day before yesterday.

I see you are no longer angry at everyone,

so I can say goodbye.

-Oh! I almost forgot. -Oops!

Here.

For you to have some memory of me.

Uh... Thank you.

Don't worry about your sister. We broke up.

What?

Oh my fucking God!

I knew it!

You are selfish, you just think about you.

I’m marring her for the residence permit, so she stays,

and we broke up so we don’t confuse things.

Is...?

Is it...?

Ah!

It’s a column with an Ionic capital,

classic style.

I thought it was a penis.

Yes, it is a penis.

Looks like a penis to me too.

Are you going to marry my sister?

You are the best person in the world!

Oh! Oh!

You know I never doubted you.

-Ok, not big deal. -Not big deal?

Why do you fucking keep doing favors to people?

First your kidney and now this?

What? He’s a good person.

You mean to others, he’s a jerk to us.

I slept there yesterday and he just kicked me out today.

He didn't give me the Michelin star, though I only asked for one.

Don't be stupid, we're talking serious.

-So... -So...

Thank you.

I’m so excited!

Can’t wait to tell my parents!

David, it's not that kind of wedding, okay?

The fewer people know it, the better.

You mean you don't want Marta to know.

Marta is probably busy again.

'Passengers heading to USA, you must...'

Mom, this one won’t turn to look at you.

How long have you been there?

Long enough to need a child psychologist.

And what should I call him?

'Dad'? 'Uncle'? 'Daddy'?

Stop showing up everywhere!

What did you say?

Huh? Nothing.

I haven’t said anything.

What are you doing here?

We are at an airport, I'm a pilot... So...

The question is what are you doing here.

I came to accompany a friend.

No!

Don't tell me you've fucked your brother the sculptor?

First, he is not my brother.

Second, you are fucking your ex's father.

Third, who told you I fucked him?

Is that a penis?

What the fuck...?

Josemi!

What is it?

-What is that? -Yeah, right!

What the fuck did you do?

You tore my armchair, my bed, everything!

It wasn't me. It must have been Substitute.

I told you she bites my stuff.

I didn’t take it seriously!

I thought it just bullied you, as we all do.

This is serious, huh? This is fucking serious!

It’s my fucking stuff!

Well, I'm sorry,

but...

We'll have to take him to the vet.

What? You don’t mean slaughter, right?

Slaughter? We go just to know what's wrong.

Look.

Slaughter him!

I slaughter you first.

Busy.

Oh, okay, sorry.

What’s wrong? Are you okay?

Uh... Yes, I'm fine.

Everything is fine.

Everything is fine?

What is your fiancee doing here?

Not my real fiancee.

Ask her, she believes she owns the house.

-No. -No what?

Ah, uh...

I can't hold it, I need to piss.

What were you doing in there?

Weave a scarf. What do you think?

Ah, so she jokes.

Uh...

How come you were at my place?

Because she is in love and she wants to hunt you.

I was working in the garden and I needed to pee.

Next time, if you want, I’ll pee on the petunias.

She’s so vulgar. She’s not your type.

She is.

No.

I mean,

you can come to piss here when you need it.

OK. I wanted to start with the wedding preparations,

but first we gotta solve something.

What is it?

She’s in love with you.

Yes, we have a problem.

You are the man of my life.

I don’t know how it happened.

I guess it was when we were together, I...

-I fell madly in love with you. -Stop.

Uh...

I see where you're going

but Claudia, I...

-I don't feel the same -You don't feel what?

I don't feel the same as you.

We both felt things, but...

So, if you're like this now,

maybe the wedding thing is not a good idea.

If I'm like what?

Well...

In love with me.

No...

Look, first, I am not in love with you.

Second, perhaps you are the obsessed one.

I didn't even talk about us.

So what did I want to tell you?

So what did you want to tell me?

That there is a hornet in the greenhouse.

I don't know when they built it.

I guess it was when we were together,

I neglected the garden a little.

Wasps?

Eh... Ok. Forgive me. It’s just that you were so serious...

It is a very serious thing, Javi.

They are Asian wasps.

And you are wasp racist?

-Look, here it is. -Ah, here it is.

Yeah, he knows.

Well, it seems it is all good.

I’m taking her for a second to take another test

-and we'll be right back. -Very good.

-Have you noticed? -Huh?

You could try to meet the veterinarian.

Why would I?

If I get sick, I’ll go to a doctor.

I mean meet her on a date, you idiot!

You know what I mean.

Come on, cheer up.

Dad, leave it. You’ve tortured me enough with Tinder.

Josechu, you need to try to go out to meet girls!

You need to go out,

you’re always on the computer waiting for mom’s call.

-Me? -You.

-Me? -You.

Come on, please!

I just want to talk to my granddaughter.

Being a grandfather was my joy and you took it away from me.

You have four grandchildren here and you never listened to them.

For God's sake!

I've played so many times with Joaquinito!

None of their names is Joaquin.

-No one bears my name? -No one.

Very nice!

Yet you don’t get why I ignore them.

The Asian wasp is very dangerous.

It can even cause death to allergic people.

The worst part is they kill bees and prevent pollination.

That’s bad. They can kill, but they can’t prevent us pollinate.

No, wait. This is not a joke.

Apparently, there were many serious cases in Spain.

I called a fumigation company to have it removed.

Bad thing we can’t go out of the pool with this heat.

Are we scared of some wasps? That just takes some kick.

That’s exactly how professionals do,

a flying kick.

Let's see a tutorial on YouTube on how to get it removed.

I’ll take it off, we are fucking friends,

I’ll do it for 100 euros.

The spraying company charges 80.

Yeah, so you need to pay me extra,

because we are friends.

-Okay... -Doctor,

forgive me if I'm sassy

but may I ask you your phone number for my son?

No, one moment.

The poor guy is newly separated and he needs to meet girls.

No, you should give it to him,

he hasn’t got over my mother left him 20 years ago.

Uh...

Well, they are two tempting proposals,

but, for now, I'm going to focus on Substitute, huh?

She's perfect.

The only thing is that she has become adult

and so, she has altered hormones.

Oh my God!

Ha! Our dog has grown from girl to woman.

Is there anything you can prescribe?

Yes, sex.

Substitute?

Probably the three of you.

What the hell are you doing?

I thought an Eastern gang came in to rob.

And why an Eastern gang? Why not Spanish?

You are a bit racist to be a foreigner.

That's what I told her.

Just because she is Argentine, she can't be racist, right?

That is racist.

And I said 'Eastern band.' It could be from eastern Spain.

The typical band of ex-combatants from Murcia Herzegovina.

-How funny! -What are you up to?

Rafa is going to remove the hornet.

No! Don't even think about it, huh?

That is very dangerous.

Danger is my middle name.

No, your middle name is José.

Is your name Rafael José?

My name is My Nuts. Give me the hornet remover.

That's the pool leaves remover.

You are crazy!

Well, it's an adapted remover.

With a plastic bag with handles to catch wasps.

It's... It's a prototype.

Come on, let's go.

I am not going anywhere.

You are the only one with the Chirigota beekeeper costume.

You all saw the tutorial.

Someone has to hold the bucket

for Rafa to put the hornet in.

Why me?

It's your house!

But it is your idea.

Hey!

What happened to the spirit of the Pink Panthers?

All for one and one for all.

I don't know if that is exactly by the Pink Panthers, but okay.

-I’ll do it. -Seriously!

Be careful!

Javi, if a wasp bites you, let me know.

I have antihistamines in case you are allergic.

Javi? What about me? I am your brother.

Yes, sweetie, but Javi is my fiancé.

But he is your fake fiancé. He doesn't really love you.

Sorry to interrupt this awkward silence,

but my nails are sweating.

I'm out of this. I'll make some coffee.

-Hey... -Come on.

Wow! That's cool! It's like going towards the dome of Mad Max!

Javi, wait!

Just in case.

Ah.

Wasp in case.

Hello, dad.

-What were you doing? -Me?

Nothing, standing here.

What do you have in your hand? Is it a penis?

Yes. It's from Don Julio's son.

You’re not leaving it here.

I’m not leaving it in my house.

I've come to pick up some clothes. I'm going to my bedroom.

Hi.

I heard a girl's voice and thought: 'It must be Marta',

because at this house...

Here, an Ionic column, for you.

I’m losing my mind.

The vet is right.

I cannot believe it!

Josemi, what did you do to my Care Bears?

You too. But who do you think I am?

No, no.

It was your dog, she’s horny and so needy.

Well, take her to the park.

I always take him to the park, but he never catches any bitch.

Substitute is a female.

He didn’t ever learn my name, no way he’ll learn the dog’s sex.

We’ll have to open a dog Tinder account.

Is there a Tinder for dogs?

God!

If you want to pull, you’ll pull.

Unless you’re Josemi.

Turn off that phone, you moron.

The wasps will hear us.

-Oh! Oh! The bucket. -Hush, hush!

The bucket. Put it there.

Watch out.

-Piece of cake. -Like that.

Oh my God!

Get out! Get out!

Run!

Come on!

Hey, open, you idiots!

No! Leave him, leave him!

It's too late for him. He must be already infected.

What are you taking about? They’re fucking wasps, not zombies!

Did they bite you?

Don’t think so.

-Where’s Javi? -Javi!

-Save me! -This way, Javi!

-Javi, here! -I can’t see!

-Javi! -This way!

-No! No! -No, Javi! Right!

We can't take off the helmet. His face is swollen.

-He’s allergic. -I injected antihistamine.

I think he suffers anaphylaxis.

I'm not a jerk who searched it on Wikipedia. I’m a doctor.

-Will he be fine? -The first hour is crucial,

but you poke him antihistamine, so everything will be fine.

Call Ma...

Call Marta.

Let's not waste time. Take him, please.

What do you want?

Tell us what you want.

With what?

With my husband. Do not play innocent.

Pardon?

I had to tell him everything.

-You told her what? -My husband...

says he ran into you

and you threw yourself on him to make out.

I want to know if it's true

so I can rip your guts off to any of you.

It’s true. I put my mouth on your husband.

If you don’t believe me, I’ll get you a video of the moment.

Uh...

See?

That's why she came alone to the office,

because she is obsessed with me.

Don’t exaggerate.

I went to the office because I planned to have a child

but I took that idea out of my head.

Well, take my husband out of your head too!

Listen.

Don’t put your eye in someone else’s hive.

What?

I’m not getting my bumblebee taken away.

If you enter my hive, you will find me.

Ah!

Hi.

Where am I?

At the hospital.

You don’t remember anything?

Yes.

My friends are stupid.

-Have you called...? -Sure.

Waiting outside.

Ah.

Come in.

Thank you.

Hello Javi. Claudia told me you wanted to see me.

I told you I wanted to see Marta.

Ah!

You were like groggy and I understood: 'Call dad.'

I’ll call her now, it’s okay.

Doctors say you’ll get over it.

If Claudia hadn’t poked you...

Are you still mad at me? You could fucking die today.

I'm not going to die, moron.

Javi!

How are you? I'm sorry!

Come on, it’s not big deal!

Well, I'm leaving.

Dad, are you still mad at me?

Goodbye, Javi.

You should forgive me, Javi may die today.

I'm not going to die, you assholes.

You have shared secrets with my girlfriend

not to tell me you were with her.

Give me a reason to forgive you.

He forgave you.

What?

When you left us, Nacho was not even born.

You disappeared for 20 years and you didn't show up until...

Until mom's funeral.

You were not there when Nacho got sick,

you didn't take him to a football match,

you didn't help him with his homework.

You can tell.

You never did anything for him. Well, not even for me, but...

I...

I've hated you all my life,

father.

I want to forgive you, but when I talk to you

I feel I’m betraying my mother.

Nacho is different.

You see, he has forgiven you. He held no grudge against you.

You see.

He’s been a better father than you’ve ever fucking been.

Well, in that case,

you should forgive me immediately.

Of course I forgive you, son.

I don't deserve it, but I hope you forgive me one day.

Well, for now, we all could hug each other.

No, no way.

-It hurts. -What about this one?

-And this one? -Fuck!

-What do you think, Substitute? -Dad, leave it.

You are mad because the dog has more candidates

on Tinder than you.

Come on, don't get mad.

Don’t be angry.

Hey, post your picture here. You may be luckier.

Look, at last.

We have the chosen one, huh? Look.

What do we do now?

I’ll confirm a date with its owner, and then you go with Substitute.

Fuck, that’s dull!

She must be the bitter-old-with-a-dog kind of woman.

Oh, yeah, and you’re so loving and affectionate.

Uh... Marta?

What are you doing here?

I brought you some honey.

Huh?

What? You don't like my honey anymore?

Uh, yeah, I do, but...

I don't get why you’re dressed as a bee.

Well, because I'm the queen bee.

Javi, I have come to pollinate.

Won't you want to pollinate with me?

Po...? Pollinate?

Don't shout, if the wasp hears you, it will kill me!

What wasp?

Javi, Javi, please!

Javi, help me!

Please! We have to pollinate! Please!

I cannot move! I’m stuck to the bed!

Honey?

Do you want to marry me?

Javi, are you alright?

No! No!

I don’t know. Are you...?

Are you a bee?

What?

Nothing.

I think I had a nightmare. Sorry.

What are you doing here?

The garden... Claudia called me.

You finally woke up.

Just in time.

Come on, you have to choose.

-What? -Dinner.

Chicken or breaded hake. You didn’t eat anything.

Oh.

Can I have a glass of water, please?

Sure.

Hey, the sleeping beauty came back to life!

-So? How you doing? -Hi. Good.

I’ll change the dropper later.

But tell your fan club to take turns.

One visit per patient allowed.

-Ah. -I'm sorry, girls.

I'm glad you're fine.

You really scared me!

I was scared too. I thought I’d kick the bucket.

Remember the last time I thought you’d die

when you gave the kidney to my father?

I thought I was really dying,

but it was the same as you that time.

I just knew I wanted to be with you.

Well, it was a false alarm.

I know, but being apart makes no sense.

If I were to die tomorrow, I’d like to be with you...

and I know you’d want to be with me too.

Life’s not like that.

I can't live thinking the people I love

will die tomorrow, and I won’t see them again,

because then I’d leave now to live with my mother in Mexico.

And how do you want to live?

I don’t know.

Doing what I want to do at every moment.

You’ll have your time to die.

Okay, so, right now, what do you want to do?

I felt like it, but it means nothing.

And what do you want?

It meant nothing either.

In your case, it means more,

you worked on it.

If I tell you what I’d like now...

I don't think I’m strong enough.

Careful, careful.

-Wait. -Watch out.

Are you okay?

Hey!

Hey! How are you?

Well, well.

Wait. I’ll introduce you.

This is Substitute.

Well, actually, she's a girl

-This... -Cocoa!

Oh, Joaquin!

Joaquin, nice to see you!

-Oh! -Amparo!

What a coincidence!

How are you?

I’m great.

You see, I’m gorgeous.

I didn't expect you to be my date.

Ah, neither did I.

It’s... It’s the first time I use this.

He’s been having a hard time lately.

He growls all the time and,

apparently, it is due to lack of sex.

I guess you’re talking about the dog.

Sure, the dog, Amparo!

I'm well served.

It’s not like I have many...

No.

I can't complain at all.

It's the dog, well, it's a female.

I don't know, maybe...

the expression comes from there...

'You're hornier than a bitch.'

I had never heard that.

No? Well...

Neither had I. The expression is not mine.

Don’t worry, Joaquin.

I just...

I like it when you blush.

I'm glad to see you.

-Yeah, I'm glad too. -Yes.

How are you?

Well...

I'm afraid... I'm the same as the last time you saw me.

No.

I see you’re not wearing your wedding ring.

Ah. No.

So?

Your place or mine?

For what?

To start the fuck.

I mean the dogs.

Ah, okay!

-So do I. -The dogs.

Yeah.

This meant nothing either.

Nothing at all.

-I've missed you so much. -And you too.

Not so much, though.

Since this meant nothing,

we could give it one more try that doesn't mean much either.

And your girlfriend?

What girlfriend?

She’s not my girlfriend...

We broke up the day I saw you in ARCO.

Really?

So there is nothing between Claudia and you?

Marta, listen, it’s not what you think.

It’s not a real marriage.

It's just for the fucking papers.

She is David's sister and she saved my life.

I can’t say no.

Marta, I love you.

Listen to me, Marta.

Say something, please!

You want me to say something?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Wait...

Fuck!

Marta!

Nurse!