Original subtitles

Are you having another one of your stupid dates?

Obviously not.

So what are you doing here?

What do you think?

You can come here all you like, she's not going to come.

-Who's not going to come? -Who do you think?

Dad, accept it Marta has moved on

-and you should do the same. -It's not so easy.

If you keep coming back here, of course not.

Anyway, why do you think she'd come here?

Be... Because this is our spot.

And does she know it's your spot?

If not here, then where?

"Don Joaquín, how are things?"

Please!

Great, fine, all good.

"Marieta is still in bed."

Ah.

The same as the girl I picked up on Tinder.

Just where I left her, exhausted,

in bed.

Hello.

-Hello. -"Is that her?"

-Oh! Hello, don Julio! -"How are things?"

Shut it, shut it,

-or you'll wake her! -Mum?

"No. The girlfriend your father says he's got hidden away."

-Is Amparo here? -Which Amparo?

From Tinder.

Oh!

Amparo, Amparo.

There are so many I get their names mixed up.

Because... C'mon, let's go, let's go. C'mon, go and have breakfast.

It's 3 o'clock here.

C'mon, kidder, off you go go, go, go!

"Okay. What did you want to say to me?"

To you? Nothing.

"You called me."

"The rabbit always wants something when it pokes its nose out of the warren."

Well, yes.

I wanted...

to speak to my grand-daughter.

"She's sleepy because we got back

from Cancun last night."

Uh, from Cancun.

And I took you on our honeymoon to Benidorm.

"Three days in Benidorm."

Yes, but we had a laugh, didn't we?

They wantedus out of the hotel as we didn't have the family book.

"Oh yes! So embarrassing!"

"When you said you wanted a double room,

with a double bed."

"Excuse me."

-Sure. -"Breakfast, my love."

"The chilaquiles are getting cold."

"Oh, yes!"

"Well, Joaquín, bye."

One moment, hey, it's...

It doesn't matter if you've had three lousy dates.

I've had more than 15 and they we're all a disaster.

My life is like a bad version of First Dates.

Since you split up with Javi,

all your dates have gone badly.

Before Javi, it was worse.

The last one was Abracitos, who jilted you at the altar.

I'm jinxed?

No way. You're not jinxed.

That's love and sex after 35.

Welcome. I'm going to start a Tinder account for you.

Javi, you've had more than ten dates this month

and you ran away from them all.

No. I just walked out of the restaurant on the last one.

I began to run outside.

Guys like you give the rest of us a bad name.

I'd say you're making a good job of that on your own.

The worst thing is I've run out of diary.

You're not with it. Drop the notebooks and get on Tinder.

Please, that's awful!

Young folks who just want to get laid

and, then, bye bye.

See? It's all good.

I don't understand what you're doing on Tinder.

If your wife finds out...

No, no, no. It's just a wee hobby.

I've got a false profile, just so I can have a look.

Me too. Well, sometimes I arrange a date, but I don't go.

It's just for the thrill of knowing I can.

Great idea!

That's cleared up your doubts.

They're all nutters. Look, I'm not doing Tinder.

Babe, your problem is that your still hung up on Javi,

but it happens to all of us.

You're hung up on Javi as well?

We can all be hung up on an ex.

I'm not hung up on him.

-You need an uncoupling ritual. -Pardon?

They gave her a book one of Jodorosky's books on magic

and she's flipping out.

Who gave it you?

You did.

Well, you're making use if it.

Okay, you have to take a photo of yourself in bed,

naked, if possible.

Rolling around in the sheets.

And, after, the picture, in your fridge.

Shouldn't have given her the book.

And with the "Around me" you find girls within the radius you like.

We've put 1km to see how many Tinder girls are around here.

That must be your neighbour. Oh!

This one too.

And it's...

Hey! What's up? He's been trolled, right?

Let's see, let's see.

-No, no. -What?

It's my sister!

-Looks like her. -No, no!

"My name is Claudia, I'm Argentinian and I love gardening."

Eh...

No, no, no, no!

Hands off my sister, or I'll kill you!

Wipe her from Tinder.

I can't do that. She has to do it herself.

David, listen, it doesn't matter if your sister is on Tinder.

It's perfectly normal. There are loads of girls. Look.

Susi, Eva,

Raquel, Elisa, Lucía... Elisa?

What's wrong with her? Why is she on Tinder?

And why is she 700 metres away?

Hey, Javi, with Elisa, don't even think about it, hey?

That's all we need!

Anyhow, Elisa, she's got... a partner

On Tinder, we've all got a partner. Tinder is the new Facebook.

They're just desperate people.

And Marta.

What do you mean Marta? What Marta? Marta, my Marta?

Your Marta, yes, she's 200 metres away.

No, I mean, I don't believe that Marta is into Tinder.

And why is everyone so close? This shit doesn't work.

It's Marta.

She must have come with Elisa, who'll be waiting in the car.

They're on their way, that's why they're on Tinder.

That and because they signed up.

Okay, she must want to speak to me about something.

Go up to the bedroom and hide,

no speaking and no listening.

-C'mon! -Ah!

-Hello. -Hello.

Can I come in?

Er... No.

It's... I'm with someone.

Yeah. Dressed as a minstrel?

Yes, she likes me to wear these kind of things.

They like those kind of games, know what I mean.

Me as a minstrel, she as a nurse...

Off the wall, it's great. What did you want?

I wanted and still want to come in.

I have to go to the bedroom... to get something I left.

But you can't go to the bedroom.

There's someone there and it would be embarrassing, seriously.

-What's her name? -Marta.

Wow! That's my name!

Well, yes, there you go, little coincidences.

Marta, you can't go in there!

No, you can't go in!

What a surprise! No one here!

Or is she hidden in the wardrobe in her underwear?

-Shall we look? -Marta, really,

you can't burst into my house this way.

Tell me what you need and I'll fetch it.

I don't need anything from you.

I've come to perform an uncoupling ritual.

What?

Nothing, none of your business.

Give me five minutes and I'll be off.

Yeah. I prefer to stay to see what you do.

I'm sure you'd love to, but I have to do this alone.

-Out. -Hey...

You can come in now.

Why have you messed up the bed?

The strange thing is you made it in the first place.

-Bye. -Eh...

-I didn't see anything. -Nothing.

-I didn't look. -I promise.

-Why should I look? -Seriously, not a glance.

I told you to look.

No, I didn't see anything either.

Did you see anything?

-No. -Nothing, absolutely nothing.

-We didn't see anything. -Nothing.

Ah! What were you doing, calling mum?

What are you saying! Hey!

Did no one teach you to knock?

I'm sure your mother taught you.

You came to tell me to go on more Tinder dates.

Maybe today's the day.

And you don't have to come along.

But how could I possibly leave you alone?

No, no, get off, get off.

Do you remember Benalmádena, when you were four,

when I threw you in to swim in the middle of the bay?

Yeah, I'd burst your water wings without telling you

to see if you could handle it...

You nearly drowned.

No, I don't remember, but that's

another trauma for the collection.

C'mon.

-Hello. -Am I that ugly?

No, no, just that, sometimes, that happens to me.

With another girl.

Well, not that she's a girl, no... Well...

This time it was you, and you're not a girl.

I mean, I mean you're older, you know...

Eh... It wasn't because you're ugly... or pretty.

I mean, yes, no...

Neither pretty or ugly, I mean that...

Eh...

Perhaps, you're quite pretty, but it wasn't me that said it.

My brother warned you about me.

Eh... Maybe so, but only about 28 times.

He told me to watch out around you, but only 53 times.

The white one is much better.

-Sorry? -The shirt.

-Ah! -The black one is okay

if you have to hide something, but you're alright

as well, and no longer a little boy.

Oh, thanks.

And you're not bad considering you're David's sister.

Eh...

Okay, I have to change.

Another date today! You're a right Don Juan!

My brother was right.

So, you should take a look at the greenhouse.

Eh...

As you like to go from one flower to the next...

Ah, eh...

Sorry, sorry for taking liberties.

I like to mess people around. I'll be off now.

As soon as you let me have what's mine, I'll leave.

Eh...

Claudia, I think we should stop right now.

Maybe it's not a good idea.

I meant the money, you have to pay me.

I'm the gardener. Don't you remember?

Ah! Oh... Of course.

It's that...

How daft!...

Okay.

Can you hold it for a second?

Eh!

Thanks.

Eh...

Eh...

Which one do you like the most?

Are we talking about shirts?

So you were Mister Spain in 2012.

What are you doing on Tinder?

Guys like you aren't single.

Or girls like me. Perhaps it's a sign.

Hey! Some coincidence that we're both restaurant critics!

The truth is it's great to be able to have dinner with someone

who knows the difference between a Ribera and a Burgundy.

I'm not single.

I'm seeing a lot of women.

Let's order "carpaccio."

Hey, do you know what "carpaccio" means?

It's that stuff that's... like it was raw or something?

You're kidding, right?

So you're seeing ten different women? What do you mean ten?

Polyamory.

I'm polyamorous. Have you never tried it?

No. I have enough problems finding one, let alone nine others.

Well, you should try it. There are a lot of fish in the sea, babe.

Did you say "babe"?

So, If I want to be with you,

I have to be "polyamorish"?

It's "polyamorous", babe.

Shall I tag you on Insta?

We can post something after dinner.

-How many followers do you have? -Eh...

You know? I'm a serious critic.

Not one of the foodies who taking cool photos in cool places

to put on Insta,

with loads of hashtags like...

#YumYum.

#Healthyfood.

#Iateitup.

#Foodielovers.

#Foodiegirl.

#Delicious.

Let's see, look, you and me will do the following.

We'll meet up... We'll meet up on Tuesdays.

Because I'm free on Tuesdays so...

Marta, babe.

If you're not on Insta,

you're a dinosaur.

I just posted it and I've already got 1000 likes.

Don't you get it? You can't be a restaurant critic

if you can't tell a chardonnay from a sauvignon blanc?

See? You laugh at my hashtags in English

and now you're showing off with the three French words you know.

-Another glass? -No, I'm going home.

What's wrong?

I don't know, call me old fashioned,

but I don't want to be with a guy

who is going to throw me out quick

because others are clamouring in the queue.

No, no. It's not like that!

Okay, it's true there's a ranking,

But you'd come in..., you'd rank,

you'd be around six or seven.

Six or seven?

Sorry? Six or seven out of ten? What are you playing at?

Serious critics are already a little bit... #reallypissedoff.

That comment was a bit random.

It makes you look a little bit old.

Yeah. Eh...

#dontgiveafuck.

If you lost a bit of weight, you could be number five.

Up yours.

That's a bit random, but if we do it the other way round,

you'd be in at number two.

-The other way, I... -Got it, thanks.

Okay, see you on Tuesday, babe.

Oh, this is going to hurt.

A frozen food factory is giving me 10,000 euros

to promote their crabsticks.

Unfollow.

#Laters.

Forget it, Marieta.

If you have a good lentil and chorizo stew

you'll get rid of the taste of guacamole.

"Did you call me at 7:00 to tell me that?"

Eh... No, look, no.

Eh... I called... well...

to speak to my granddaughter.

How is she?

"Asleep, like the other eight times you've called at this time."

It's not my fault if you're six hours behind.

"Don't mess me around, Joaquín."

"If you want to see your granddaughter so much,

get on a plane and come and visit us."

You want me to come and see you?

"Me no, your granddaugher and your son."

"Oh, and bring Amparo if you want."

Which Amparo?

"That's your girlfriend isn't it?"

Oh, Amparito!

Amparito! I call her Amparito or dearest.

But, of course, when you say "Amparo", it's like I...

"I'm going to have breakfast, Joaquín."

"See you then."

Hey...

No way!

Yes, of course, I'm going to go to Mexico right now!

As if I have nothing to do around here.

With the problems I have with...!

You walked out on Mister Spain 2012?

-Are you nuts? -He was "Pollyannarous."

"Pollyannarous"? Gay?

He's got a ranking

and said I would be a six or seven at best,

a five if I lose five kilos.

Five kilos? No. Maybe three.

I did the stupid uncoupling ritual.

Why can't I find a normal guy?

They died out with the last ice-age.

I don't know if they died out, but they ain't on Tinder.

You should make a false profile. It's better that way.

I did. Do you know what happened?

So you are Rodolfo.

Leonor. Nice to meet you.

Can you tell me what the hell you are doing here?

Playing the fool.

Okay, hon, forget the social networks. Get your agenda.

I've been through it

and there's nothing to get excited about.

Have you called any exes?

All of them, and those that are single aren't interested.

All the married ones, very interested.

Did you call Abracitos?

Yes, he told to speak to his representative.

-He's an actor now? -No!

But chefs are all acting like stars these days.

Well, hon, we did the uncoupling ritual,

but if you're incapable of docking in another port...

Maybe I don't have to dock in any port

I have to let go of the ropes

and sail off into the distance, without a helmsman.

I'm going to kill Jodorowsky.

All of this began with the idea of having a kid, didn't it?

Who says I can't have one on my own?

Eh... Biology?

For that, I don't need a man.

And what are you doing now?

Looking for a date.

-On Tinder? -No.

A fertility clinic.

Boss.

I took up all of the weeds from the lawn.

Here we only have beautiful flowers.

It smells great.

Turbot in green sauce with clams, my speciality.

Well, one of them.

How amazing!

You're a cook too.

It's just a hobby. Let's say it helps me relax.

What happened? Are you stressed?

No surprise, with a different date every day, you must be worn out.

-Sorry? -No, sorry, please forgive me.

It's funny seeing you dressed to kill each time.

I'm not judging you, hey?

You're a Casanova, I love it. I never met one.

Well. You see me go out, but you don't when I come home late alone.

And playing this tender soul who comes home alone

is another trick to get sympathy?

No. I'm out of tricks and I've been through the black book too.

So, for a while, I'm going to be out of the game.

You don't have to worry.

I wasn't worried.

I can see. You're a lamb in wolf's clothing.

Don't you want to go to the doctor?

No. I just want to see my record so I can take it to a different centre.

Has there been any problem with us?

Well, actually, now you ask, yes, in truth.

Hello. Eh...

Have you come for an appointment, uh... Marta?

No. She's come for her clinical records. She wants to change centre.

Was there a problem here?

I asked her the same question.

What did she say?

Will you give me the records?

Lady, there's no need to be unpleasant.

Shall I tell something that really is unpleasant?

Tell me whatever you want.

Blondie, calm yourself.

Don't call me "blondie."

I was talking to her.

Ah.

Anyway you shouldn't speak to an employee that way.

I'm his wife.

Well...

no, no I haven't had any kind of problem.

I moved to another city.

I'd offer you a glass of wine,

but if your brother finds out, he'll kill me.

And it's a pity because it's a Rioja made from 100% grenache

which pisses on any Burgundy.

My brother says that if you want to seduce a girl,

you offer her a glass of wine.

And that's bad because...?

Because you're an asshole to women.

All that, according to my brother.

Yeah.

Well, pay attention to your brother.

And if I've been working hard and am a bit thirsty?

-There's water in the fridge. -Water is for plants.

You are at home. Take whatever you want.

No, no, pará!

No, Javi, no, eso no, no, no!

-What's up? -You just said it.

"Take whatever you want."

Do you know what that means in Argentina?

Ah.

Okay, okay, sorry.

Eh...

Eh... Oh! Eh...

Claudia, you've caught me at a really bad time, but...

But, well, there's plenty of turbot.

Just in case, you're thirsty, as well as hungry.

My brother said to be careful if you offered me wine,

but he didn't mention turbot.

Here are you records...

and Javier's too.

I wish you both luck.

I only want mine, please. I'm going to have a child on my own.

Really?

We split up and you know why.

You left him because of me?

That's one way of putting it.

Why have you come to see me, Marta?

No, don't get the wrong idea again.

I just came for my records. That's it.

So why didn't you tell my wife about it?

I should have told the police.

Why don't you give me a chance?

Can't you see the mess you have got me into?

It's not about giving you an opportunity or not.

I can't think about giving an an opportunity to anyone

I can't move on.

After you have met your soulmate it's difficult to.

If I was your psychologist, I'd say:

"You can't move on without wetting your finger."

And what does that mean?

You can't forget who you don't want to forget.

Do you understand me?

Uh... Yes.

-I'm getting back together with Javi. -What?

No, no, no, not with Javi. I was speaking about me.

Blondie, your husband is nuts about me but he'll get over it.

And he's going to come out now and give you a kiss.

Tonight, he'll take you to a nice place for dinner.

What have you gone and done?

It's a calculator but if you don't stop, I'll really tell her.

It's not a calculator! I just put in an intercom!

Eh...

I have to go. Good luck.

Coming! Coming!

What are you doing?

I want to speak to you.

Eh... it's not a good time, Marta.

Ah, yeah, yeah, of course, there's someone there.

Well, if you want, we'll go straight to the bedroom to say hi.

We'll end up there anyway...

Wait, really.

This time it's true. It's better if you leave.

I'm not leaving.

I can't turn the page without wetting my finger.

What?

What are you doing?

No, Marta, wait! Stop, stop!

Marta, don't go in there! No, no!

Who are you?

I'm Claudia.

She's the gardener.

And who are you?

Ask him.