Original subtitles

-Are you going back to sleep? -Oh!

Don't you know you should never wake a sleepwalker?

It's really dangerous.

Yeah, a sleepwalker who drinks tequila.

Really Dad? It's 8 o'clock. Tequila for breakfast?

No, clever clogs. It's not tequila for breakfast because I had no dinner.

Technically speaking, I'd be having dinner.

If you're ruining my life, what'll it be like once you're born?

Aren't you going in to speak to mum?

No. And we don't know yet if she is mum.

And if I did go in, I wouldn't know what to say to your...

to Marta.

Tell her you love her.

She cheated on me. You remember?

It's not about what I remember, it's about whether you can forget.

And don't shout. Act like and adult.

Take it easy, I'll sort it out

in a calm and collected way.

You just smashed a fruit bowl.

Okay, but I had the maturity and the sense

to take the fruit out first. You shouldn't play with your food.

-I'm glad you came... -Get out of my house.

-Our house you mean. -I saw it first.

"I saw it first." Are you four years old?

Anyway, we both saw it at the same time.

Javi, c'mon, all this is crazy over just one kiss.

Don't you think it's childish?

And what is being grown-up exactly?

Having a fight with your partner then going out on the pull?

-I'm the grown up here. -Javi...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blahba, blahba.

Javi, I love you. Do you love me?

I love you. And you show up in a video snogging a doctor.

-I understand how you feel, but... -Get out of our house.

Okay, fine.

If that's what you want, fine,

but I want you to know... that I'm taking the TV.

We bought that TV together.

But if we're going to separate, we have to divide up all our stuff

and I'm asking for the TV.

Okay, well I'm taking the king-size bed.

I think I'm going to make the best use of it.

-Enjoy. -Fine.

-I'm asking for Paris. -You can't ask for Paris.

Anyway, we were going to go in March.

Well, you're not going now. I'm going by my self.

And with whoever I invite.

Okay, well I get Santander.

What do you mean Santander? That's where I'm from

and my granny lives there, my aunts, uncles, cousins.

All for me.

They going to get upset that you swapped them for a TV.

Okay, fine, I get the centre of Madrid.

You can't ask for Madrid.

That's where the restaurants are and that's my job.

There are plenty of restuarants in Santander.

Okay, very well, well... well...

Well I...? Me... I...

Can we stop all this nonsense? This is insane.

-Tell me, what shall we do. -I don't know, Marta.

I really don't know.

I know I don't want you to go and that I don't want to see you.

All mixed up, at the same time. I don't know.

You want our life to be like a romantic film.

You know what would happen in a film after this fight?

They would kiss?

You haven't seen a lot of films, have you?

There we are.

That's your space and this part is mine.

And I can do what I want with whoever I want in here.

I know you're losing it, but, if I lose it, you'll see.

You haven't seen me when I'm losing it.

Think of it as the swimming pool.

The adults over here and the spoilt kids over there

playing doctors and nurses.

You're not being fair.

No, sure, I'm not being fair because

I get the broom cupboard and that

would be perfect for you if you want to hide a therapist or something.

Okay.

You've won. I've lost it. Gimme.

This corridor...

for me.

Let's see how you manage to get outside.

Great.

Okay, in this corridor, I'm going to draw...

a borderline, okay?

Let's see how you are able to to get to... the kitchen.

Oh dear! I wont be able to cook!

Or to eat either.

Well, I'll just have to have it delivered.

That way I'll get to meet people.

But they can't go to the bedroom because it's mine.

I'll use the guest room. The closet is mine.

Well, the bathroom's mine.

We have to share it. I'm not going to piss in the garden.

Why not? And the other, in the greenhouse, it's natural fertilizer.

And if I have the girls round for dinner and they need the bathroom?

And if I get the boys round to play poker and we need to smoke?

But you don't even smoke.

And you never cook dinner for friends.

And you don't play poker.

And, anyhow gambling doesn't suit you.

Nor does being cheated on.

Great, dad. So grown up.

A game? Cool brother! Count me in.

Shall I bring some snacks?

We're going to play poker?

Oh! So they play while we have dinner?

What do I care if Elisa is there? What does it matter?

For me Elisa... I don't care if she's there or not.

And so what if Nacho's there?

Nacho to me... I can take him or leave him.

Nacho? So what?

I was about to ask: "Which Elisa?."

You said she'd be there with Marta

so I supposed it was Elisa the pilot, right?

If you said it was, I dunno, Pau Gasol,

I'd be a bit nervous,

but Nacho, Nacho... Are you serious?

Whose bringing who?

-Who? -I can't hear you.

-Marta, I'm hanging up. -Bye bye, the line's gone.

Who was it?

Oh, my brother Javi,

he wants to go to see the new Bruce Willis.

Do you fancy the cinema?

The new Bruce Willis is supposed to be great.

You go. I can't stand his voice.

Smoking's great.

Javi, what the hell are we smoking for?

Because we're guys...

and us guys have to get back to the essence of masculinity.

Nobody is going to tell us

what we can and cannot do.

So true.

But we're smoking because you told us to.

If I have to choose between essential masculinity

and lung cancer I'd have to think about it.

Can you stop acting like idiots? It's disgusting smoking in here.

Did someone say something?

I heard Marta say that it's...

Rafa, can you tell that girl

that we are in my area and we can smoke in here?

Marta, Javi says it's his area and it's okay to smoke here.

Well, tell you friend that the smoke has gone over to my area.

And tell him he's a dick.

Marta says that the smoke has gone over to her area and...

I didn't get the last bit.

Okay, tell... tell...

the blonde one

to go to the greenhouse, where the air is pure.

And, as she looks after the plants, she should be...

Javi says, you should all go to the greenhouse.

That's what Javi says, hey? I couldn't care less.

Look, I'll tell you straight.

As I'm a spoilt girl who can't do anything for herself,

I'm looking for a gardener.

Anyone hear anything?

Excuse me, my sister Claudia is a great gardener

and she's looking for work. Why don't you call her?

Don't speak to her.

-To my sister? -No, to Mar...

I mean, to her.

Don't point at me. David.

Yes. Eh...

If Javi won't let you talk to Marta,

tell me about your sister and I'll pass it on,

because he let's me talk to her.

Ok, well my sister is a wonderful gardener

and she needs a job.

-Marta, if you need a gardener... -Don't speak to them.

-And if you do? What? -C'mon, let's go.

The pizza will go cold and you'll heat up.

-Whose turn is it? -Mine.

There you go. Snap.

What are you on about? It's poker.

Sorry, I don't know where my head's at.

I can't stop thinking about my poor unemployed sister

and I'm telling you it's breaking my heart.

Rafa, I'm going to give you my sister's number

in case you need a gardener.

Hey? C'mon, write it down.

Claudia,

666 12 69 69 3.

Do you mind if we give it to...?

Claudia.

Yes, your brother David gave me your number.

It's Marta. Uh huh. Yes.

What do you want me to do? She's my sister.

I don't get it. Marta needs a gardener not a garden gnome.

No, no, no, no, no!

You can laugh about anything but watch what you say about my sister

because I swear I'll knock your block off.

Hey! Where do you think you're going?

Uh... to get a beer?

The kitchen's in my zone. You can't go through.

Nacho, get me a beer, c'mon.

Hey...? What are you doing?

I'm being polite, Javi, being polite.

She's thirsty and like a gentleman, I'm giving her a beer.

Your shit is yours alone.

But me and the guys, we're human beings not macho men.

-Is that right? -Wimp.

-Sucker. -A bit wimpy for sure.

Hang on, no ones pulling my strings.

I was going to take the beer over

and drink it right in front of her.

Nacho, you were going to bring me a beer.

The only one pulling your strings is your brother.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

You can have it if you want, but it's empty.

Anyway why don't you get your boyfriend to get you one,

that boyfriend you claim to have.

Actually I do have a boyfriend and he's a real man.

Not someone who lets himself be pushed around by his brother

or any fit woman who makes eyes at him.

Firstly,

okay, yes, you're fit.

And, secondly,

I'd like to have a look at this boyfriend of yours.

No, Nacho, c'mon, you don't really want to see him.

It's true, you wouldn't because he's much better than you.

So I'd love to meet him.

No, no, no, no, it really isn't a good idea! What for?

He's just like the rest. Seen one, you've seen them all.

We can meet up whenever you want.

Me, with my boyfriend and you, with your piggy-wiggy.

Hey, Elisa, you can argue but with a bit of respect.

But that's what he calls her.

You call your wife "piggy wiggy"?

I don't speak with you lot over there.

Well, I do. Do you want me to tell her?

Okay. Tell her

we'll meet up tomorrow for dinner,

in that restaurant we always go to.

-Nacho says... -Rafa, button it.

Nacho, really, the dinner isn't a vey good idea.

Okay, we'll meet at ten.

Eh...

Great, at least we've got a gardener.

Did I miss something?

Mum!

Are you stealing dad's stuff?

Stealing to eat is not a sin.

Great telling your son that.

But what do you need six litres of milk for?

I have to have breakfast, don't I?

Six litres of milk?

What are you? A calf?

Okay, I'm doing it to piss off

I mean, to annoy Javier.

You're going to prove dad right. you're a spoilt girl.

-La la la, I can't hear you. -What are you doing?

That's my milk.

The milk isn't yours. It's the cow's.

Why are you in my area?

Your milk, your area...

Does everything belong to you?

Yes, from this line to there, it isn't mine.

From here to here, it is.

Happy now?

Give me back my milk, c'mon.

Don't tread on my area.

You don't even drink milk. You just want to piss me off.

I do, but as you know nothing about me...

Only your things are important.

"My house", "my milk"...

-I don't speak that way. -I know.

My impressions are rubbish. You should know that.

You don't know me, do you?

I'm sorry, I know more about you than you do about me.

-Ha! -Ha?

What's this "ha"?

This is new, you never say "ha". See how many things I know about you?

You don't know me more than I know you.

If you knew something about me, you'd know I know all about you.

What a chance! You know about me and I don't want to know you anymore.

This is crazy. Can we stop now?

Yes, it's crazy. It makes no sense to argue who

knows less than the other when we can bet on who knows more.

And what do we bet? The milk?

No, the house.

Okay, I can't take it any more.

When I get back from work, we'll bet on the house.

Here you go, so you can have your last breakfast here.

-What are you doing here? -Having breakfast. Coffee?

No. Why are you still in my house?

Last night I was shattered after...

-You know what. -And you stayed over?

Aha, after...

Stop winking at me!

Why the hell did you stay over?

I fell asleep and you didn't wake me, in order to throw me out.

No, excuse me, I don't throw you out, you leave.

You set the alarm for 2pm,

turn on all the lights and whisper to me that it's time to leave.

I don't do that. I don't whisper anything.

True, it's more like shouting.

Well, okay, but

this behaviour has an explanation.

I know. You don't want me to stay so it doesn't feel like a relationship.

No, really, that's not it, that's not it.

Seriously, Elisa, it doesn't matter.

No, really, that's not it.

It's more to...

We know what there is between us.

I know what I want and I like it. Close your eyes.

Hey...Are you going to kiss me?

Because I swear, nobody has ever

-kissed me in the morning. -No, no. Close your eyes.

When you open them, I'll be gone. If you want me to come back, call me.

Okay.

You think I'm crazy, insecure and paranoid, right?

I love it that you're crazy insecure and paranoid.

I'm not crazy!

-I'm not crazy. -You're not crazy.

And I don't care about what you're hiding from me.

I'm not hiding anything.

In fact, tonight,

I was thinking about dinner with a friends. A foursome.

Wow!

And why didn't you tell me before?

-I wanted to give you a surprise. -Really?

-Yes. -And what kind of...?

Surprise!

Where's the surprise in going out with one of your friends?

Well, her boyfriend as well. We never go out as a foursome.

We never go out, as a foursome or a twosome.

That's why, piggy-wiggy. You used to be up for it.

And the weekend starts on Thursday!

Nacho, are you alright?

Fine, I really feel like going out as a foursome

and later, we can come back home and slag them off.

Why do I need to slag them off?

Well... People are awful, aren't they? Make yourself pretty.

-Shall I take you to the hairdresser? -Excuse me?

Why do I have to get dolled up?

-Rivalry. -What? What rivalry?

When two couples go out together.

To see who is hot and who is not.

Don't you see we have to go out more?

We're not with it, piggy.

We're not.

You didn't expect all this for the competition, did you?

See how little you know me?

Thanks, Jose.

Have you been here before?

Me? Me? Never.

I said Jose at random. It's not so hard to get it right.

Almost all of us Spaniards are called Jose.

Your name's Nacho.

Exactly. Jose, Nacho, Nacho, Jose.

We're very predictable as names go.

And how do you know this girl?

Um...

I don't really. I know her a bit. By sight.

Far away. Like a distant cousin.

So, she's your cousin?

No, no, no. If she was my cousin, you'd know her and you don't, right?

You'd have heard of cousin Elisa

and no one ever told you about an Elisa, did they?

Nacho.

Elisa, what a coincidence!

Coincidence? We arranged to meet, didn't we?

Yes, yes...

Yes, of course.

I meant that it's a coincidence you're dressed almost the same.

Eh... Don't mind him.

He's acting very strange today.

I'm Míriam. Lovely to meet you.

Elisa. Nice to meet you too.

Míriam is my wife and, well, here she is.

Did your boyfriend pull out? Don't tell me he's not coming?

He's parking.

You sure? There was loads of space.

Yeah, but you look like you have a little car,

but he's got a huge one, enormous, know what I mean?

And he can't park it just anywhere.

Do you like big ones?

I like a normal runabout.

Yeah, that's because you're used to one, of course.

But, when you try one of these

you won't settle for less.

I know you're speaking about cars,

otherwise I'd think you were speaking about...

Jose, is the table ready?

Okay, we're going to start with an easy one.

When is my birthday?

-26th of June. -Oh! Close.

-26th of July. -Good try.

No, wait, wait. It's February 11th.

That's yours, stupid.

It sounded familiar.

Okay, okay.

Admit that you were trying to get me there.

Right, stop. It's...

It's my turn. Uh...

Let's see. What three spices do I put on a salmon...

marinade?

How should I know such dumb question? And I don't like salmon.

And I should know when your birthday is?

Is this the XIX century? Facebook lets us know those things.

Javi, you have to ask personal questions, not this shit.

Don't call my salmon marinade "shit."

Love.

Maybe he's afraid of commitment and he's run away.

Why do you say that?

Dunno. Maybe, she's nuts about him

but he's not about her.

Or, maybe, he's one of those guys or girls who is realtionship-phobic

and runs into someone who looks a bit soft,

falls in love a wee bit, then gets scared and runs off.

Do you know her boyfriend?

No, but I can picture him perfectly.

Well, you can stop picturing, because he's just arrived.

Knowing so much about me,

that's ten questions each and it's still 0-0.

Okay, but I ask you what my favourite book is,

my favourite colour or my second surname

or where we first kissed

or the first film we saw.

While you, for example, have just asked me

what was the best year for wines from the Rioja.

Uh huh. And it was 2001.

If you don't know that, you've never known anything.

You're playing tricks and you know it.

It's about who cares more about what matters to the other.

Do you want a personal question that you really should know?

Yes. If I get it right, the house is mine. If I'm wrong it's yours.

Are you sure?

Totally, but it has to be something really intimate and personal.

Very well. What's my father's name and why don't I speak to him?

Isn't that your...?

My old school chum! Nachete!

What a coincidence! It's been a long time!

Go along with it. Don't fuck me over.

Who'd have thought it?

Wow! What a surprise, hey?

Eh... School chum?

Yes, well, not from the same year. Were we?

I repeated a couple of years. I was a dreadful student.

So Nachete is your famous friend. When did you meet?

Well. Friends-friends, not really.

We're more like acquaintances.

We're something like distant cousins.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the loo.

Can you tell me what's going on?

Christ! Thanks for covering for me, guys.

I didn't tell her I had kids. It would look like I'm over 50.

Dad, you're 63.

Keep my secret.

It's not right.

Just the little white lie of an older lover.

What's more, I really like Elisa. Help me to keep her, please.

Shall I repeat the question?

It would be better, if you'd told me the answer.

I asked you about your family and you never spoke about your father.

You want an intimate question? It couldn't be more intimate.

Intimate and dishonest.

You know what was intimate? Offering my kidney to your father.

Without knowing him, I offered my kidney to your father,

and you don't know my dad's name.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

-Tick... -Your father's name is Jesús.

And you don't speak because he left you and your mother when she was

pregnant with Nacho.

Seeing as you never speak about your family, I asked your brother.

That's what you do when your partner matters to you.

I have to go to the bathroom.

He gets emotional seeing his dad this way.

Sorry, I'm not a pervert. It's an emergency.

Elisa, Elisa.

Put your hands down, dumbnuts, I'm alone.

Elisa, I have to tell you something.

It's the first time I've been in the ladies.

-It's a bit of an erotic fantasy. -You came to tell me that?

No, no, no. I'm here to tell you something that'll freak you out.

Hey... Elisa,

Jesús...

is my father.

You invent nonsense like that so that I drop him?

I swear it's true.

He's even on my mobile as a screensaver.

Look.

What?

Peas in a pod! Couldn't you tell?

No, no, no, it can't be.

It can't...

Here's what we do.

I'll forget about how sick I feel imagining things.

That way I won't get traumatized.

-And you forget about my father. -Hey, I think that's my decision.

He's really in love. He just told me.

If you get married, you'd be my mother.

And you and me, we've...

Look, I'm leaving and I'll figure it out for myself.

Wait, wait. If you don't leave him,

I'll tell him about us and he'll leave you.

Excuse me?

And I'll tell your piggy-wiggy about our filthy business.

But you don't love my father. You just want to make me jealous.

What are you talking about, dumbnuts?

You're stuck on me.

-No, I'm not. -Oh yes, you are.

-Oh no, I'm not. -Yes, yes, you are.

-I'm not, I'm not. -Oh yes, you are, you are.

-No! No! No! -Yes! Yes! Yes!

We're not shagging, Míriam.

I'll stay here a minute to make it look okay.

It would look bad if we leave the bathroom together.

I don't want the house.

So, first you want the house, then you don't,

-you love me, then you don't. -I do love you, you idiot!

I only wanted to show you how much you mean to me.

I never wanted to have a family until I met you.

How can I show you?

So, you love me.

I believe you, but up 'til when? Until the therapist showed up?

-He's not... -Yes, I know he's not a therapist.

Javi,

there's nothing between us.

I saw him coming out of the wardrobe in his underwear.

I find it hard to believe it was just a dream.

No one would belive it, but I saw it with my own eyes!

Can't you see that all this is crazy?

Hiding someone in a wardrobe in the XXI century?

Yeah, yeah, that's humiliating, but I saw the video as well.

Don't make me feel like a dick. I felt bad enough

when you took me to the consulting room and didn't tell me.

You don't do that to someone you want to have a family with.

Are you going to leave like this?

Are you going to let her leave like that?

Oh!

So funny!

Okay, a pity, but we have to go.

-I'm really enjoying myself. -Yes.

The two of you make a great couple.

You seem so in love.

Thanks.

And us?

You could say the same about us being so in love, couldn't you?

Honey, careful, please.

We'll have to do this again sometime, won't we?

Yes.

Are you okay, son?

Eh...

Son of a bitch!

Dad.

Mother...!

It's probably my future mother who is on the other side of the door.

Please don't screw it up.

Hello.

-Hello. -I'm Claudia.

Eh...

Uh... Claudia?

David's sister, your new gardener.

Ah, oh...

Wow! What a lovely house you've got!

Hey... Listen...