Original subtitles

I did what you asked me to, didn't I?

And did I get pregnant?

It's partly your fault too.

What? Aren't you going to say something?

My thoughts exactly. Say something, won't you?

How come I'm to blame?

I don't know about blame,

but you did give us false hopes.

All that stuff about finding a house so that the kids would follow

was your idea. -It was my idea

that you buy a house?

Let's see, more than just an idea, it was more like a prescription.

Let's say... it was like that was all we needed to do,

we didn't even have to...

The stork was already on its way, as they say.

Okay... listen

I'm going to write out another prescription.

It's in doctor's handwriting, but I think it says:

'Buy a monkey, it'll keep you entertained.'

This isn't serious.

What kind of psychologist are you? -No kind at all.

I have to repeat,

I'm a doctor who specializes in infertility treatments.

And yes, this isn't serious. I'm off.

Marta!

Have you seen my avocados?

Right, I think I know where they are.

And did you use my cotton wipes

to clean your saucepan? -It's not a saucepan, it's a wok.

Can't you clean it with a scouring pad like eveyone else?

No, are you mad? What will it do to the teflon?

I know you are going to say I'm crazy

but I'm saying you should clean your pan with a scourer,

not that you clean your teeth with the toilet duck.

Anyway. It's not a pan, it's a wok. It's not the same.

And this looks like a facepack, but it's actually my guacamole.

'My guacamole', 'My avocados'...

We're a couple, not flatmates.

What's in this fridge belongs to both of us.

Fantastic, in that case I can have half of this

milk carton that someone has emptied and put back.

Well, if it's empty, throw it in the rubbish.

I don't know if you figured it out,

but every day someone takes it out

as if by magic.

Great, but while that someone is taking it out,

someone else is doing the cooking.

Each to their own.

Are you saying that what I'm good at is throwing shit out?

Hey... it depends.

Are we speaking literally or metaphorically?

Let's see, I don't mind taking the rubbish out.

I just thought that you might like to stretch your legs...

You know, I'm happy to do it.

I love doing all the little chores

you know, living as a couple with you.

But now we've sent the the kid away to Ireland,

we could go out one day, together...

Couldn't we, piggy-wig?

But anyway, I love being here,

watching series with you, like boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yes...

Oh, by the way!

We have to watch the last episode of 'Hernán Cortés.'

Do you think that in the end he...?

Were you saying something?

Er... No. Well, yes. Someone has to take out the rubbish.

Ah, well, while you do it could you get me some sunflower seeds,

I'm watching 'Hernán Cortés' with nothing to chew on except my nails.

I'm useless in the kitchen

but I'm sure it's easier to fry an egg

than to put the toilet seat down.

Marta, I'm not going to argue like the typical old git

about whether or not to put the seat down.

It's not about old gits. It's about being disgusting.

The question is about how we share out the housework.

You cook so you think that gives you a free pass

and that I have to do the rest . -Okay, enough. You're right.

I'll take care of... cleaning the swimming pool.

That was your job anyway and you called someone to do it.

But who was it that called them?

Okay. Look, that's it.

From now on, I'll look after the flowers.

You won't need to do the greenhouse anymore.

But that was suppoesed to be your job.

I haven't set foot in the greenhouse since we moved in.

I don't know how to water them

or if they need to be fed.

So who has been looking after the plants all this time?

Do you remember what the old lady said?

Yes, she was going to Marbella to find a toyboy to sort her out.

Uh? About the greenhouse, stupid,

that these plants were like her children?

Do you get it?

If we can't look after a few plants,

how are we going to be able to bring up a child?

This is a sign from Mother Nature.

Marta, I don't know if there's any marijuana here

but you're losing it.

Let's see, I don't know how to look after a garden,

but I can hire a gardener. -Is that your answer to everything?

If I don't know about gardening, I'll hire a gardener,

and if you don't know about kids, are you going to hire a nanny?

Okay, fair enough, maybe that's not the best example.

Marta, it was a misunderstanding.

We thought it was the other's job. -That's what you'll say, isn't it?

If the kid gets electrocuted, you'll say:

'Darling, the kid has been electrocuted,

I thought it was your job, sorry'.

Why should our child get electrocuted?

Because these things happen to kids,

so you have to look after them they need a lot of attention,

far more than these plants.

You have to water kids every day.

They have their own built-in sprinkler.

Javi, Do you think it's funny? That we killed these plants.

That we have killed the old lady's children?

Marta, drop this conversation

because you're obviously a bit... flustered.

You were going to say 'hysterical', right? Right?

Now you've shut up, haven't you?

You think I'm a hysterical mad woman.

because I started my period, right?

It's not because of your period, but because you're holding a spade.

Ha. Don't pretend, I can see it in your face.

So I'm on my period, I'm on my period, so what?

That's it, I... I'm on my period.

I'm on my period. My period has arrived.

Period, period, period. Do you have a problem with that?

It's late, isn't it?

I'm not too sure about these things,

but if it's late...

it's exactly what we wanted, isn't it?

I've got something to tell you.

Sit down!

Involved with another married man? -Worse.

But, of course, it had to happen,

because I play the field so much...

-Is it an STD? -Worse. But yes, along those lines.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, poor thing. You going to drop him, right?

-Of course. -And how do you know you're in love?

Because he gave me a doormat.

Giovanni, no one has ever paid attention to my doormat.

No, what I mean is, that he cares about me,

and so he noticed that there was no doormat by my door.

-And he wants you to have a mat. -Don't be daft.

It's the thought that counts.

And it's lovely to the touch, so... soft.

It's so nice to stroke. Do you want to see it?

No, I don't want to see it. Thanks.

Look, babe, send it back, right now.

I've got something to tell you! You'd better sit down.

Um... Okay. You'd better stand up

so you can sit down again. -No, you should sit down yourself

Elisa has some front page news.

If yours is for the front page, mine is for the six o'clock news.

She always has to go one better.

Maybe mine is more important. -I think I'm pregnant.

Okay, mine is a piece of shit. I hate you.

Tell!

I'm certain. Look, I'd bet my life that she's on her period.

We were doing so well...

-Or maybe she's cheating on you. -it might not be cheating.

Perhaps, she just doesn't love you anymore and that's that.

Thanks, you're really helping.

Excuse me, isn't Rafa here?

Yes. Yes, yes.

Uh?... Yes, what?

Yes what... yes.

Uh... Is Rafa here or not?

Yes, yes!

Oh... so could you ask him to come?

Yes.

And on the way, bring three beers. To make the most of the trip.

Yes, beers!

Yes, yes.

'And how did Javi take it?'

Javi? He's taking it in his stride.

But maybe that's because I haven't told him.

Well, I'm not sure yet if I'm completely pregnant.

Are you or not?

You can't be a little bit pregnant.

The truth is... I'm a little late.

But, babe, why the alarm?

Maybe you're not pregnant.

Let's see, if you were pregnant you'd feel like puking.

-I do, but I think I'm in shock. -And they say your tits get bigger.

Are they bigger? -No.

I thought you'd been looking a bit chubbier lately.

And cravings? My mum says when she had me,

she stuffed herself with lentils.

Do you feel like lentils? Chorizo? Strwberries and cream?

-Stop. -Ice cream? Almonds?

Steak? -Shut up.

-Some kind of craving? -For you to button it.

Mood swings, typical symptom.

You're pregnant. -One moment.

Why don't you just do a pregnancy test?

Okay let's focus.

Go home to your boyfriend, do the the test with him like you should.

And you...

go and dump the doormat guy.

But one more quickie just to say goodbye?

Yes, with a bit of luck you'll get pregnant

and we can be mums together.

Um... No.

This is delicious.

We'll have to tell Rafa, the Chinese guy is a great signing.

Damn right.

I think that all the time that Rafa has been the cook here,

the best thing he's done is not be here.

Hey.

Hey! Bravo! Rafa!

Uh! Bravo!

Uh! Rafa! Bravo!

-Hello Paco. -Hello.

Yes.

Rafa! Rafa!

What's up? Always complaining you can't make ends meet,

now you roll up like a businessman giving orders to the workers...

Don't you owe us an explanation?

I'm bankrupt and to stop them taking the house,

I had to sell the bar to Paco? -Who is Paco?

The Chinese guy.

-Okay, that's a good explanation. -Yes. A bit sad, but yes.

Okay. -I've been saying it for six months,

but as you never take me seriously...

Guys, we've got to help him out.

Sure, and to get to know the Chinese guy.

This tortilla is great. Paco!

Would you mind not doing that?

-Why don't you just get on with it? -I'm nervous about the result.

How do you think I feel?

It's just that with you there... I can't go.

It's not pleasant for me either, but I'm your subconscious.

I can't disappear.

Can't you put yourself in flight mode for a bit?

Or lose the signal?

I love shopping with my little piggy-wig, like a married couple.

Shall I park and we can go in together?

Or if I just wait here so it won't take as long?

Okay, see you in a bit.

Nacho?

I wasn't smoking, I wasn't smoking, Miriam.

Hi.

Oh... Shit!

What are you doing?

Eh... Nothing, I'm an Uber driver now.

And they won't let me... set the car on fire.

That's daft.

And... how are you?

Uh... How are you?

Er... Are you with anyone?

No.

No.

Well, in fact...

I've just returned a doormat.

Oh, that's nice.

And you?

You... what about you? Are you free?

Me? Yes, yes. Of course I'm free.

Oh, yes?

Great.

So can you take me into town?

Oh, no, no. I meant that I'm free like you.

You know, without a girlfriend.

Ah, okay, but can you take me?

Er... No, I've got to go and buy a couple of things...

Oh, don't worry. I'll go with you so you can take me.

Really, I can't.

The rules say you have to use the app.

So... sorry about that.

Bye-bye. Another time.

You booked me with Uber?

I can't, call a different one. -But why?

If you're already here.

Always what missy wants, isn't it?

An Uber, a quick shag, chucking someone...

Well that's it, forget it.

Now you've blown it!

-What are you doing? -Well, if my Uber won't pick me up,

I have to give them zero stars.

And I'm going to write a complaint in the app.

-What are we waiting for? -I can't, I can't go.

That's two litres of water

and an hour dancing like Saint Vitus.

I like to dance.

And the person I like to dance with the most is Javi,

who might be your father.

so the best thing we can do is to wait for him

and we dance this one together.

But I can't wait.

Here he is.

What shall I do? Open the door? And what do I tell him?

I don't know, I could go, and he'll figure it all out at once.

Aren't you going to offer me the bottle of water?

Thanks.

Why don't you answer?

It's dangerous to speak on the phone while driving.

Yeah...

'Hi. Hi?'

'Hi!' -Hi. What's up?

What's up? Are you stupid? Where are you?

On a job... an emergency.

A difficult client, but he's going to pay me a shedload.

-But he can hear you. -'No, no. Well, yes.'

He's Russian, he doesn't understand.

-'And... And why didn't you tell me? Hey?'

Well... it was all so quick, an emergency, so he doesn't,

miss his plane.

And as I'm such a good person...

-'What you are is a doormat?'

Okay, and a good person as well, Miriam.

Why are you calling me Miriam now?

-That's your name isn't it? -'Yes, yes.'

I know my name, but you call me 'piggy-wig.'

'You only use my name when you're angry. You leave me

stranded and you get angry?' -I'm not angry.

But I'm not going to say that in front of a customer.

-But he's Russian. -'Whatever, he understands a little.'

Why should you care, if you don't like me calling you 'piggy-wig'?

'Well, it's better than when you call me 'little pussy.''

"Or 'titty.'' -Gotta go, it's the Civil Guard.

-So you're free, are you? -I didn't want to hurt you.

You put on that hard face, as usual, but you still feel something for me.

Yes. Pity.

Look at you, you haven't found anyone to replace me.

Yes, I have found someone, and I think I'm in love with him.

But you told me you were alone.

Just so you wouldn't bother me with:

'Who is it? What's he like?' -Me?

I don't care your flings. -Really?

Er... who is he?

-Hello. -Hello.

I'm looking for Javi.

Er... well he's not here just now.

Were you supposed to be meeting him? -Well, yes.

That's to say, no. I'm his...

his personal trainer.

Oh, I didn't know Javi had a personal trainer.

Oh, so he didn't tell you about me?

No. I imagine he's embarrassed about you.

Seeing as I'm always teasing him about his belly...

Oh, I see.

You don't know him, but let's say, he's...

everything that you're not.

you've nothing in common. You're like...

Bruce Willis and Sideshow Bob.

So childish. I'm happy I got away from you

and that I have a mature relationship.

Oh, yeah? With your piggy-wig?

You can't call her 'piggy-wig.'

And you shouldn't either.

Coming, coming.

Elisa!

Don't forget to give me five stars.

Ok, well, lovely to meet you.

I didn't know... that Javi had such a beautiful wife.

Excuse me?

My apologies. Maybe you think 'beautiful' a bit sexist?

No, I think it's perfect.

But I'm not his wife, we're not married.

Much better, because a marriage makes it all so complicated.

And as for kids, let's not go there.

Are you going to have kids?

Well now, I'm glad you asked.

As a matter of fact...

Are you okay? Are you feeling alright?

Er... No. No. Er... I'm doing my excercises.

It's for the abductors.

Could you come back some other time?

Javi is going to sweat quite a lot when he gets back.

Okay. Hey, don't tell him that...

Why don't you fly away home, ladybird?

And what if Marta is right?

Maybe I'll never be a good father.

I can't even look after a load of petunias.

You're going to be a great father.

Just that you don't like plants.

You like kids.

And how do you know?

Do bonzais appear to you or do I?

I'm glad that you're not a bonsai.

I'm like the crazy person who talks to his plants to make them grow.

You have to be a bit nuts to get that way...

talking to your plants.

I...

All that, and in the end, without waiting for dad!

What does it say?

I couldn't wait.

And it doesn't say anything.

It takes a bit of time,

maybe we won't get the results until tomorrow.

It's not the municipal elections, it should say right away.

'Lalalalalalala.'

During the pregnacy I'm going to stuff myself with ham

so maybe you won't turn out to be such a clever clogs.

Take a look!

Hello?

Marta?

Shit. Shit, you hide it.

I can't, I'm intangible.

-I have something to tell you. -Me too. Me first.

No, me first. It's like this...

Why do you smell of shit?

It's a bag of natural fertiliser. A present for you.

You're going to give me a bag of fertiliser?

Truth is it's for both of us.

It's a kind of symbol.

It's my way of telling you...

Okay, I couldn't care less about the greenhouse,

but if it's important to you,

I'm willing to share this shit with you.

Marta, I don't like plants,

but I do like kids.

Perfect, because...

I just did a pregnancy test.

-Well? Are you pregnant? -I don't know. I didn't dare look.

-Well, you'll have to see, won't you? -Right now?

I thought maybe at a more romantic time,

not with the two of us smelling like shit.

We've already gone over the romance business. Don't be childish.

Is it childish to want something special?

No, I think that you don't want to know,

and that the shit is an excuse not to look.

Look! It's not so difficult. -Well, if it's not so difficult

you have a look.

-What are you doing? -You called me childish

for a reason. -I'm not going to take it out.

Me neither. If I'm pregnant, I'll get fat.

It's my body, isn't it? -It's my child isn't it?

Yeah, but you aren't going to carry around

an alien in here.

And I don't know how it can come out of this hole.

And you won't have contractions

or get stretchmarks or droopy tits

or have nipples like paella dishes.

You see? You don't want to look

because it's not like a photo on Instagram-

if you don't like the filter, you can erase it.

Whatever it says there is forever.

Oh, so, I'm the mindless Instagrammer, am I?

And who are you? The guy on Twitter

handing out lessons about things you know nothing about?

Yes, you're right, I don't know.

I don't know if you want a kid or if you're a spoilt little girl.

I don't know what will happen if it's positive.

I don't know if you're going to hug me or burst into tears.

I don't know, Marta.

Well, you're not going to find out...

because it's negative.

And then he tells me that I'm a spoilt little girl.

Me!

Down in one!

But babe, what are you saying? You're so grown up.

Yeah, he just doesn't get any of it.

If anyone here is acting like a grown-up,

it's me. -You're right, babe.

Down in one!

One second.

The doormat guy.

-Didn't you drop him? -Yes.

Not entirely.

He's outside. -What?

You're kidding!

I did it in case you wanted to meet him

before I chuck him. -No way.

So, no. Off you go and dump him. Go on, go, go.

And don't even think about... a quickie before you do.

What! What are you saying? I'm not a spoilt child.

And I'm not a spoilt child either.

Me? Childish?

Down in one!

If you want to get pregnant, you shouldn't drink like that.

Well it's... What do I need a little girl for

if I've already got one at home? Right?

Yeah.

Do you have kids?

Yeah.

And do you think I'd make a good father?

Yeah.

Of course. You would say that.

Yes, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. I think it's normal.

And if you call me a spoilt child,

that is really childish, capisce?

Yes, I understand completely,

but I suppose that as usual, you have to tell me about it.

I really don't like your know-it-all tone, eh?

Going about... preaching

and that con... con...

con...

con... Fuck! 'conseden'...

Condescension.

Oh! Here's Mr Clever Clogs

putting everyone straight from the top of his ivory tower.

Come down from there.

Because you can't make a family, from way up above.

Hey? Clever clogs?

Look, you're talking to me as if I was... Javi,

which is bad enough at the clinic,

but here it's a bit...

Childish? You were going to say childish, weren't you?

I'll have you know I'm super-grown-up.

Down in one!

And my friend?

Elisa?

Uh.

My friend?

Uh!

Hey! I'm going to get some fresh air.

Daddy.

Let's go home, please.

And this gentleman wants to go bed.

-Paco. -Yes!

Can you see a young girl sitting on the bar,

a girl who is talking to me?

Yeah, yeah.

I knew you'd say that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the last time, hey?

And so as you know, I don't have a mat anymore.

What I mean is... I think I understand.

Hey... Marta. Marta. Wait.

Where are we going, clever clogs? As you don't know how to make me a

baby, at least take me to where they do a decent gin and tonic.

Well... look... I'd happily go for that drink, but...

I really think that you should go home to bed.

That's what you should be doing, clever clogs,

instead of calling me childish. Putting me to bed,

taking off my clothes, sorting me out and giving me a child.

Are you filming, you pig?

I was just checking the time.

What's up? Are you in a hurry? Hey?

What are you doing? You pig! -But...

One moment.

Are you talking as if I was Javi or as if I was me?

What are you talking about? You're taking advantage because I'm drunk?

I know full well you're not Javi. -So why did you kiss me?

What... I didn't kiss you.

You offered me your lips and that was that.

Me? Hold on, wait a minute.

Let's see, I think it was you who offered your lips not me.

And if it was me,

you could have pulled away,

but you didn't. -No, be... because I'm drunk.

And because... because...

I'm a spoilt little girl.

Hey?