Original subtitles

The fact it's empty is the least of our problems.

And I have my furniture... -Oh yes,

you got your furniture and a wonderful house

much better than any we've seen.

Don't repeat it everywhere.

My furniture has to be somewhere.

Well, it's all in the removal van?

There you go. Great. Why do we keep on looking

for a home?

The driver can park up at Puerta del Sol and we're done.

Arrange the furniture and we can live inside.

Cheap and central and in summer, a paella in the van.

That's not the right attitude for us to find a house together.

Oh sorry, but you started.

Shall we ask her

who started? -Okay.

Shall we go to the kitchen?

-What for? -So you can take a look.

You're going to love it. -Me?

Why? Because I'm a woman my place is in the kitchen?

I don't like the insinuation.

Right, you don't like cooking.

I don't know how to fry an egg. Any problem with that?

I'll go, I'll go.

Yes. This way please.

Ah.

Oh, it's ceramic.

I'm more of a gas person.

But why? It works fine.

-Ok, but... -Daddy.

You always find cons since you don't want to buy it.

-Here's clever clogs. -Sorry?

No, no, I didn't mean you.

I was talking to...

the kitchen.

It's just that... I like to bond with the fittings

to... to see if we get on.

Okay, well come with me...

Buy a house for Pete's sake,

I have to be born somewhere.

If you don't button it, we'll put you in the van

and lock you in it.

Excuse me, what did you say?

Hey... what van? I didn't say anything about a van.

Well, I didn't say anything about a van.

Okay, that's it.

Okay, what?

Are we off?

-Eh... -Yes. Yes.

It's best if you go.

Because, let's face it, this house isn't your style.

Dad.

Dad.

Ah!

What the hell are you doing here?

We're out of apricot marmalade.

And you have to get into my bed to tell me about it?

C'mon, Josemi, you can't be here all day long,

barging in on me in my own home.

Do you think I wouldn't rather be with Carolina?

-Well, go back to her! -She doesn't want me.

Well, find yourself a new family.

You are my family.

But if you don't want me to be here with you...

Well, I don't,

and even less with that glum, bored look on your face.

All day long in slippers and old-fashioned pyjamas.

Please!

But this house is mine, Elisa.

It's not like that top you lent me

which I didn't give back because you forgot.

-Which top? -The purple cashmere one.

-You slag, give it back. -I won't, you didn't even remember.

Anyway, a house isn't a sweater. Don't get confused.

How long have you been drinking cognac in the morning?

It'll be her new boyfriend's.

Well, this one is at least twenty years old.

What are you trying to say? I don't get off with adolescents.

I meant the cognac.

Oh.

Yes, well, I love congac like that, full-flavoured.

When did you start drinking cognac?

You know, flying the plane, if there's turbulance.

They give you those little bottles, so you try them all.

And now you have it for breakfast.

No. I mean yes. Well, sometimes. On Sunday.

-It's Tuesday. -And sometimes on Tuesdays.

-Your toyboy is here, right? -No. And he's not a toyboy.

Just a normal human being.

If he's knocking back the cognac as soon as he gets up,

he can't be that normal. -Okay.

He's in the shower. Leave me alone. But he's not my boyfriend.

So you bring along some guy who is not

your boyfriend here. -What? Are you nuts?

No, he only got here. -But you put him in my bed.

It's not your bed anymore, it's my house now and my bed,

so you can get out.

Get out of here. Go and find a woman.

C'mon, out. -But where can I go?

How should I know? Go and play pool, go to the bloody Prado museum.

I don't know. -How can I go out

in pyjamas and slippers? -In pyjamas and slippers?

The kid has got an excuse for everything.

But do you know how long it's been since I spoke to a woman?

Here, use this.

You want me to tie her up and bring her here?

Take the dog, son.

Dogs work wonders if you want to meet women.

Did it work for you? -No, not for me.

I always left her in the park and went to the bar.

Cute little thing, let's go for a walk.

Nothing. Even the dog knows I'm a loser.

-And if you go to your dad's place? -No way.

-Your brother's? -No way.

-You lived with him before. -Exactly.

I know what he is, I won't go back to that hell.

He's got his peculiarities, but he's nice.

Well, you go back to him and give us back my house.

-He's with his wife. -What's it to you if he's married?

She doesn't like the fact Nacho's married.

-I'm off to buy apricot marmalade. -That's it!

You're not going out to get the bloody marmalade.

-But dad... -No dad, no nothing.

You're going to have a shower, get dressed,

walk out of this door,

and come back with a crumpet you've picked up.

That's it. Then, along with her, you can leave this house again.

Leave me alone, I'm not leaving.

I'm sorry. And get out of here, because...

Because what? Is your toyboy going to come out of the shower

and get upset? -He's not a toyboy.

No, if he's slurping cognac for breakfast,

he's more likely somewhat mature.

Or maybe vintage.

You got away from the bed?

Oh, Jesús, sorry.

Thought you were in the shower. -Who were you talking to?

No one, Jehovah's witnesses.

You could have told them you didn't need them,

you'd already found...

Jesús.

Still with the same old shitty clothes?

That other thing just isn't me.

You'll have changed your underwear at least.

No, I don't mean that they're clean undies,

though that as well.

I'm talking about the kind of undies you've got on.

I don't know, just normal, special offer, who cares?

Someone, someone cares.

It's not the same to go around with some well-fitting boxers,

holding it all in place, giving you confidence and security,

as going out... everything loose, unprotected, please.

Drop your trousers.

-What? -Take your trousers down,

I don't trust you, you are capable of

wearing something with pictures of little smurfs on it.

No smurfs.

But they're like the ones my father wore after the war.

Okay, we can swop, if you want.

What are you saying, that's disgusting!

At my age, I go commando.

You go what?

Commando, all hanging loose.

Look. -Dad!

Dad?

Okay, see you later. You two get on with it, uh?

Why don't you two go and live with your dad?

-Dad's dead. -What? Are you kidding!

Did he die? Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's a lie, he's not dead. But Javi doesn't speak to him.

Precisely because he's alive.

If he was dead I'd visit his his grave to spit on it, probably.

-Ok, come to my place. -I'd prefer to go to David's.

Have you noticed there aren't so many ducks on the river these days?

I'm going to take a look. -Don't be a jerk.

You don't want me in your house? -It's not that I don't want to, Javi.

Just that I've got my sister living with me.

I'm sure that the two of you don't take up much space.

Why don't you get lost? I'd rather get a house.

-But why mine? -I don't want to go to yours.

I just want you to make the offer, like a friend would.

Don't get all melodramatic, Javi, finding a place isn't that difficult.

I'm not looking for a house, any old house, no.

I'm looking for 'the house', know what I mean? My house.

I mean, the house where I can start a family.

Are you looking for a house or a bird?

That's it.

Of course, that's what you have to look for.

Got one already. I don't know if you remember, blonde, like...

I don't know if... -No, no.

To find the house, you have to apply the same criteria

as when you were looking for girls, do you get it?

Sure! With the house, do the same as when you look for a man.

What? Sleep in a different one each time and never the same one twice?

Look for the ideal house as if you were looking for the ideal boyfriend

If you look on the internet it's the same as with guys,

all the photos look divine, but then you come up against reality.

That's the key! Look, look, think about it.

Can you remember how you felt the first time you saw Marta?

I realised that she was the one.

That's the good part of getting off with someone when you're not drunk.

I got off with your cleaning lady in some dive

I didn't realize it was her until the following day.

Eh... Nacho, she's a married woman

with three kids in Guatemala.

Okay, we're talking about houses, houses, no?

Adverts for houses are like men,

the good ones are already taken.

Yes, darling, and if you're not quick someone will snatch them away.

And all you're left with are second-hand options,

ugly and old. -And they all lie about the size.

They say they want to be reformed, but the bastards never change.

Javi.'

If you and Marta want to come to my place for a while...

it's there for you.

-Seriously? -Yes.

I heard you say to David earlier that you wanted us to make the offer.

But don't accept it for christ's sake.

This is what friends are for, hey?

Right, get to fuck. I'm off to find my house.

Put it on my tab.

And with friends like you this is the road to ruin.

50% of the beers I sell here are the ones you drink, but

as you don't pay for half of them. -That still makes 25%.

-Hey? -If we drink 50%

and we don't pay for half of them,

we still count for 25% of what you make,

so treat us right if you want us to come back, okay?

One day I'll close this place. You'll miss me.

Yes, of course. Do you know the boy who cried wolf?

Bring some beers, I'll pay for them tomorrow.

Well, this is the last, there aren't any more.

Let's be positive. This one has a lot of potential.

Oh... yes, yes, I think it's perfect for a seance...

or for hiding corpses...

The key question is renovation.

If we take down this wall and get rid of what's over there,

we can put in a walk-in closet.

Hey... Marta, That's the bathroom.

Well, we can put the bathroom where the kitchen is.

-And the kitchen? -Where the living room is.

And the living room?

Having a living room is obsolete. Nobody watches TV any more.

Do you watch TV?

Not really but if I feel like...

I don't know, reading by the fireplace.

Are you living in the sixteenth century?

So, your plan is to tear down walls to rearrange everything

and to build a room to keep our clothes in?

'Our'? No, sorry, where I can keep my clothes.

Your clothes can go in a wardrobe somewhere.

There's a nice one in the hallway.

Yes, yes, that's the fusebox for the lights.

Well, you'll be able to see better.

Okay, well that's it. Brilliant.

We still haven't found the house.

Maybe the house that his lordship wants doesn't exist.

Yes, it exists. It was mine.

The person who bought it must think:

'How could the owner be so stupid as to sell it?".

Do you regret selling your house?

-Wait, wait. -Careful. Careful.

Eh! You'll do yourself an injury!

Dad, I'm not getting in a rowing boat.

It's too pathetic even for me.

Don't you remember I get sea sick?

Son, I don't remember your name,

so how can I remember what daft things you did as a kid.

Anyhow, there's no sea here.

This is the lake in the Casa de Campo.

The best place in Spain to pick up women.

The last person who picked up a woman here

was Alfredo Landa's grandfather. Shut up will you? Here.

C'mon, get in.

Look, look.

Look at those two. Attack them from starboard.

Go. -Yes, and if you like,

I'll board the boat like a pirate.

Perfect! Like a dodgem car.

That always works, hey?

Firstly, move in from the front, so they know you're going to ram.

Dad, I'm going home, I'm going to get soaked.

You'll see. -Josete!

I'll make you understand, damn it!

If you want to fish, you have to get wet.

'He's really masculine.'

As soon as the going gets rough, what does he do?

Blame me.

And at heart, your house isn't what matters.

What's happening is that I scare you,

you're afraid of living with me.

Hey... look, at the risk of being boring,

I repeat again that I am not a psychologist.

We don't want a psychologist, we're right in the head.

But this thing with the house has got us a little...

But the reason you're here is so you can be helped to have kids.

But if you are looking for a house first, perfect.

There's an estate agents over the road.

Just cross the street... -Wait.

What do you mean 'first ...',

do you mean that before we find a house we should have kids?

No, what he means is that with kids being so important,

we should buy the house with them in mind. Is that it?

Well,I don't know. I've no idea, truth be told.

Have you seen that film with Robert De Niro where he says...

'You're good, doctor,

you're very good you doctor'?

I'm going to tell my brother Josemi to come and see you.

Want he children with his partner? -Don't think so, he's got three

and they've split up, but it'll be good for him.

I think it'd be a good idea if we stopped seeing each other.

Was it something that we did?

No, perish the thought, it's not you, it's me, I'm a doctor.

Doctor, doctor.

And we doctors do doctor stuff.

And I sell wedding dresses.

And one time a woman came with her overweight daughter

who wanted to be the most beautiful girl at her first communion.

So I made her a dress and she was so happy.

Why can't you do the same kind of thing for us?

Dad, how did you meet mum?

Very easy.

I asked her for a dance

and she said yes right away. -Of course.

Then, there weren't many boys in the village.

What boys? What village?

Your mum was born in Chamberi and I was born in Leganitos Street.

We were in the hippest place in Madrid.

It even had a transvestite.

Cleofax was the name.

The transvestite?

No. For godsake. The place.

Maybe it's still there? I'll take you tonight.

Thanks dad,

but I don't think getting off with a 70 year old

will help me forget Carolina. -Okay, okay, just go with the flow.

Trust me.

No, no! Careful! No!

Dad! Help, dad! -Help!

I'm drowning! -He can't swim!

Dad!

Please!

Won't someone jump in, please!

-Get me out of here! -Hold on, Josete, hold on!

What do you have to think about when you have a child?

The school.

So we find the best school and look for a house close by.

Wouldn't it be better to sign him up for football straight away?

Football instead of school is another option.

We might end up with the the next Cristiano Ronaldo.

We'll have to find a school.

Excuse me. Are they coming out now? -Yes, in five minutes.

Hey...

Sorry, just that we were arguing yesterday, me and my wife...

Is this one of the schools where you can leave the kids to sleep?

Er... No, It's not a boarding school.

-Ah. -Hey... Sorry.

But... not even for a couple of days or the odd weekend?

Sorry. Which mothers' Whatsapp group are you in?

In the one...

in the one for those who aren't mothers yet but who are trying.

I didn't want to carry on lying.

Don't want to be the usual parents, hovering over their kids all day.

We want them to be free.

For example, they can do their homework themselves.

Do you give them a lot here?

It depends on the course. Which one is your child in?

-Er... -He's over there.

Hey mum, you're late again?

No, she meant the other one,

the one sitting down over there.

Are you sure?

José Manuel. José Manuel!

José M...!

We think he has attention deficit.

We're going to speak to him.

Hey, kiddo! Hey, Buster!

If I give you some sweets, will you do something for me?

'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'!

'Paedofools'! -Shut up, kid!

'Paedofools'! -Shut up, you little bastard.

'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'!

'The important thing is that they grow up with loads of kids around.'

The most important thing for who? I'm not living in a communal block.

If it's better for the kids in a block of flats, so be it.

What's wrong with it?

Well, well, this is going to be awesome, hey?

Here we are always getting together.

Barbecues on Saturdays, kids' parties,

Seven-a-side for the dads on Sunday.

Do you know what we're called?

The Barrabas.

Bar...rabus

Because after we go to the 'bar by bus'...

Julio thought it up, he's in block 3, what a wag!

What a laugh.

You can join the womens' running club.

They don't run much, but they know how to slag people.

They meet up to slag people off.

It's like one big family.

Look, here's my little one. Marquitos!

Say hi to the new neighbours.

Look at him. -Oh!

'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'!

'Paedofools"! "Paedofools'!

'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'! 'Paedofools'!

Health, that's the most important thing.

We'll find a house close to a hospital or clinic.

'A good paediatrician.'

And how long have you been doing this?

Seven years.

Um... and that, for a paediatrician, it's not a long time is it?

Well, I mean that...

speaking in general terms,

the babies you've dealt with will be seven at most,

and at that age it's a bit early to know

if you have done your work well or not.

Isn't it?

Don't worry, you'll be in safe hands.

Shall we have a look to see how he is?

-The baby's fine. -Yes.

But maybe you're rocking him a bit forcefully.

If you let me...

I need a poo. I need a poo.'

He's adopted.

There should be a Trip Advisor for doctors,

so you can see if there's a five star paediatrician

in your neighbourhood.

Javi, we've seen 500 houses looking for the house.

We should lower the bar if we can't find one.

Maybe it should find us.

Well, maybe it isn't sure about our whereabouts.

Or it got lost on the M30.

Or it doesn't exist. -You wanted the perfect house,

like in a romantic comedy.

Now you'll make do with anything? -No, I still want it but now

I'm not sure if we're not fooling ourselves.

We wanted to have a child, we can't.

We wanted a house, none of them are right.

Perhaps, at heart, we don't want

to have a house or to have a kid.

-Look, you've made it cry. -Javi, I'm serious.

Are you sure you want this?

I put my house in a removal van to go off with you,didn't I?

Yes, yes it was lovely to see you roll up in a van,

with opera playing and flowers.

It was great, but it's not enough.

It wasn't a bunch of flowers, it was a bunch of kiwis.

That's what I mean, everything is a joke to you.

They weren't even flowers.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

The kids thing is more complicated than I thought,

the house thing as well, but as for the flowers,

I'll sort it out right away.

Javi.

Javi, are you nuts?

You can't just come in here.

What are you doing?

We can't sort things out this way.

We have to do it step by step.

But for the moment I'm just happy that... they don't have a dog.

Hello.

Are you here to see the house?

We got here a bit early.

I tell you, this place will fill up with talent any time now.

Why are you touching yourself there? -My undies are too tight.

I'm not sure. And I don't drink whiskey. It's best if we go.

What a downer you are. Look. That's where I got off with your mother.

She saw me dancing under the ball and she started dribbling.

-Dad. -What?

-You've never danced in your life. -What would you know?

Were you there? No. -No. You're right there.

Here among all these oldies, I just don't fit.

Oldies no...

Veterans.

And here's the jewel in the crown.

Look. They're like children to me.

I've watched them grow...

What I'd like is they make you as happy as they've made me.

So why are you selling the house? -I've been a widow for two years

and I'd like to spend my last years in Marbella,

with someone who does everything for me, of course.

-Are you going to an residence? -A residence?

A hotel, please.

And I'll see if I find a boy who bangs me, you know what I mean?

because it's been a while...

It's very nice but I have no idea how to look after plants.

Me neither.

Finally, something we have in common.

You're father and son, right?

How did you know?

You're not saying that he looks like me...

And you've come to score... here?

No, no, no. I'm just here to accompany him.

I don't hand out advice, but in this case I will, José Miguel.

If you want to score, go on Tinder.

Thousands of women at your fingertips.

My fingertips?

Bars are going out of date because of Tinder.

-Ah. And you're on Tinder, right? -Right.

That's where I met my girlfriend.

-Is that a message from Tinder? -Er... No, no.

It's my son, he's waiting for me outside.

Why don't you tell him to come in and he can meet...

mine? -No.

I don't let him hang around me when I'm on the prowl.

He makes me look old, know what I mean.

Another piece of advice: you should do the same

and say he's your pal.

Even better, I could say I've never seen him before.

Ah.

Very well.

Well...

What?

Sorry son, I was a bit busy.

No worries, dad. In this job I have to wait around a lot.

In this car I feel more at home than on my sofa.

I don't mean my wife. We're fine.

I mean... -Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Have you spoken to your brother about me?

I tried to insist, dad, I really did, but he doesn't want to see you.

Things can't go on like this. Give me his home address.

He hasn't got one.

Okay, let's see, now he's looking for a house with his girlfriend.

but as soon as he finds one, I'll give you his address.

It hurts me for us to be like this.

Hey, son, can I ask you for something else?

Would you give me a...? -Do you want me to give you a hug?

No. No, no, a bottle of water.

Ah.

Thanks. -It's a bit warm.