Original subtitles

Oh, oh!

Christ!

Hi dad.

I was hoping that you'd been a nightmare.

I'm not a nightmare, I'm an imaginary projection

of you unconscious mind manifesting itself in corporal form

to reveal your desire... -Okay, okay.

I can't believe it. Do I really have to go through all this again?

Can you explain to me why you have come back?

Can you explain to me why I am still here?

What do you mean still? You've never left.

Um, and even so we haven't got anywhere.

After your little talk with Javi...

'If we don't have kids, it doesn't matter.'

It's obvious you don't love me anymore.

It's not a question of whether I love you or not.

I love you a quite a lot, for a ghost.

But if you don't materialize,

I'll have to carry on loving a hologram

it's a bit schizophrenic, admit it.

Ok, you give up.

It's not a question of giving up. What's more, it's your fault.

Instead of being sat there, you should be inside here.

Not quite so big though..

I don't know what to do.

Wasn't it you complaining that your life wasn't like a romantic comedy?

Yes. So what?

The heroine can't give up so easily.

It's as if in 'Pretty woman',

when they won't serve her in the posh boutique,

she runs off to shop in Primark.

Can you see why you're still here?

Good morning, sleepy-head.

Orange juice without the pulp,

muesli with Greek yoghurt, egg-white omlette,

and a capuccino.

Why the hell are you bringing me all this?

If I did it for Carolina, why shouldn't I do it for my dad?

Look son...

I appreciate it, but, I keep it simple in the morning:

coffee, cigarette and a dump.

A dump?

Of course; and Julia Roberts goes up,

there's opera playing and it ends up roses.

But the next day, what?

You have to keep pushing.

It's not: 'That's it, I'm off now'. No, no.

You have created expectations, Richard Gere.

And I have expectations.

Don't you have expectations?

Do you have expectations?

Of course I have expectations, we all have them.

But the reality is that all expectations turn out bad.

Reality is what one wants it to be.

It's okay to pull up in the limosine, with flowers,

that's great.

But if the next day you're taking the basal body temperature...

I can't imagine Richard Gere

taking someone's basal body temperature.

Okay. Not Richard Gere nor Harry.

-Who is Harry? -The one who met Sally.

You're not taking this seriously, there's no point having therapy.

Do you realize that this is a fertility clinic,

not relationship counselling?

It might be a fertility clinic,

but you haven't given us any fertilizer.

You could at least try to help us from what we're telling you.

I don't really know what it is you're telling me.

About 'Pretty woman.' Haven't you seen it?

A millionaire falls in love with a prostitute.

-And does the prostitute want kids? -No.

-Are you a millionaire? -Who? Me?

-So, are you a prostitute? -Why should I be a prostitute?

I don't know. I'm trying to find a connection with the bloody film.

Dad, get up.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Yes, and it's my favorite time of day too, do you know why?

Because no one has had time to ruin it yet.

Would you rather I peeled you a kiwi?

Why the hell would you peel me a kiwi?

Son, you're henpecked. You're under her thumb.

Because I look after my wife I'm henpecked?

No, not because you look after her, because you peel kiwis for her.

That would destroy any marriage. -Why shouldn't I peel her a kiwi?

Because...

it's better to eat a kiwi with a a spoon

and that's it.

-Perhaps she liked it. -Yeah?

If she liked it so much, you wouldn't be here.

Why are you like this?

Why don't you let me prepare you breakfast with all my affection?

I don't want your affection. Thanks but no thanks.

I'm fine all alone.

I don't want to have breakfast with the the family ever again.

You'll be off to Mexico with your mother or back home to your wife

the moment I learn your name.

Josemi.

What does it mean to live in a romantic comedy?

To live in a five star hotel

and have champagne and strawberries for breakfast every day?

Well no, I don't need all that.

Maybe, it would be enough if you peel me a kiwi.

Why would I peel you a kiwi?

Because it's romantic to prepare breakfast bring it to me in bed.

That's what we're missing.

So, you can't get pregnant because I don't peel kiwis for you?

Well...

It's a figure of speech. I understand her.

Why are you sticking your oar in now?

Because he's our doctor.

But he shouldn't have an opinion about that, because...

Well, because... because he hasn't even seen 'Pretty Woman.'

Why don't you forget 'Pretty Woman' and make a 'Schindler's List'?

-Uh? -Yes, that's it.

Each of you make a list of what you expect from the other

in your relationship and see what you agree on.

As you both like playing at films...

Let's see. What would you write?

What do you expect out of a relationship?

I haven't had a sniff in more than a year,

I'm not going to put up any barriers.

How is it you don't score more often?

They're going to disqualify you from being gay.

It's one thing to be gay, it's quite another to be a slut.

I mean 'foxy',

like those who visit the hen-house

to eat 10 or 12 little chicks a week.

You'd like to though wouldn't you?

Truth be told, I would.

Well, for the past few weeks I've been seeing the cock himself.

Really?

You are quite a silent foxy.

Tell us all! -Hello?

Could we talk about me? We were doing the list.

-Look, put this on your list. -What?

What you expect from a relationship is that it's all about you.

You're that self-centred, darling. -I'm not self-centred.

No. I like speaking about myself because...

it's my favorite subject.

Let's see, over here, what is important is to think

about what women want.

What we want is easy.

What do your mean?

-For example, what is it you want? -Nothing.

That's what I'm talking about.

Put that what you want is commitment.

Commitment is the most important thing.

What are you talking about? Don't be so old-fashioned.

He'll ask her to marry him. -And what's wrong with that?

The question is what's right with it?

Most marriages end up badly. -So you split up and that's it.

But, just for the big fat wedding it's worth getting married.

I don't think commitment is the most important thing.

Or maybe it is? Or maybe not? I don't know!

But the question isn't whether to get married or not.

That's to say, more than commitment, what I want is risk.

Although, well, security too.

But with passion, and we can both do what we want.

But stabilty, of course.

So what I want is a whole load of aventures, but in a controlled way.

To sum up: I want craziness,

but with someone who is very responsible.

Easy, no?

But is there going to be a big fat wedding or not?

At the end of the day what women want is commitment,

the wedding and all that.

Rafa, what age are you living in?

Women don't want that stuff anymore.

-Depends on which one. In your case... -In my case, what?

Elisa wasn't interested in all that marriage business.

I'm talking about your wife,

I don't know why you're bringing up Elisa.

That's what I mean.

Why do you bring up Elisa? I haven't seen her for a year.

You're all right.

David, in that I should put down what she wants to hear.

Rafa, in that the important thing is commitment.

And Nacho, in that commitment is out-dated baloney.

Do you understand what that means?

That you have to bring Marta here to have some gin and tonics.

What's that got to do with anything?

-Business is going down the pan.

And if my friends don't come here to drink...

How are the kids?

Do they miss me?

They miss their dad, of course, it's normal.

And you, do you miss me?

The kids are fine.

Don't you miss my kiwis?

What kiwis? You love my peeled kiwis, right?

You didn't leave me because of them, right?

-Well, now that you mention it... -See?

I told you so.

I told you you could come if you keep quiet.

And I told you I'd only come if your father comes too.

-I'm only here as a mediator. -Okay, very well.

Whatever you like. -You see?

That's the problem.

'Whatever you want.'

It's always what I want, what your father wants,

what your boss wants, what your kids want.

What do you want?

What do you mean?

You're such a wimp, José Miguel.

I said you should try muesli because they say it's healthy

and for 20 years you've been eating yoghurt and muesli.

-But don't you like muesli? -Nobody likes bloody muesli.

And you José Miguel, do you like it?

You.

I don't care, but from now on,

if you want we can have something else.

There's no hope for this one, eh?

I told you to get out and in five minutes you were gone.

-Didn't you want me to leave? -Did you want to leave?

I wanted to stay, if you wanted.

If you wanted that I wanted you to stay, you could have stayed,

if you wanted to know if I wanted you to stay or not.

You'll have to forgive me, but now I'm lost too.

Caro... Caro... Caro!

How do you wrap a round box?

Shit...

What's all this?

This is someone not asking for your hand in marriage.

I've made my list.

'To live life without commitment.'

It's what you wanted,

all that living for today and so on.

The romantic comedy and all that?

A not asking for my hand in marriage.

Yes. Well, there's no ring involved, but...

I do have something for you

in this box.

I'll open it and you stick your hand in,

I close it and: 'Ha, ha, ha'.

Have you bought me a necklace?

Well, not exactly.

Marta.

Will you not get married to me?

And what do I have to do with this exactly?

Normally, it's for brushing your teeth.

Well, it's a non-matromonial symbol.

It's my way of saying:

'I'll do my thing, you can do yours,

but come and sleep over whenever you want.'

I do sleep over when I want.

But now, with a toothbrush, so that you feel at home.

To feel at home here, I'd need something else

besides a toothbrush.

I'll get you some mouthwash.

Marta, the mouthwash is a joke, but the toothbrush is romantic.

-Super. -Okay, but why are you angry?

Because it's ridiculous, we're speaking about having a child

and we're like a couple of kids.

A child... And I don't even have any knickers here.

Oh, that was my second option. Either knickers or a toothbrush.

Enough of the jokes.

That wasn't a joke.

We can't have a kid like this.

Not here. This is your bachelor pad.

Where can you put a cot in a bachelor pad?

Marta, stop, wait. Stop, stop, stop!

You haven't read me your list.

On my list there's only one word: commitment.

So many pages and that's all you've written?

Yes, just that I wrote it one hundred times

to not forget that I want someone

who'll take a chance on me.

What is it you want? Do you want me to really ask you to marry me?

You don't get it.

Between a wedding and a toothbrush

there are a lot of intermediate points.

Oh, yes? Such as?

Well, look

every month, a red stain reminds me that we're incompatible.

But if I'm at your place, I have to go to the pharmacy

because you're incapable of getting in some tampax

for your bachelor pad.

Rather than a toothbrush, I prefer tampons.

It's not a bachelor pad.

No, you're right, it's not a bachelor pad.

It's the house of

an immature 'fucker' locked in his own castle

who has decided to become a father because...

The truth is, I have no idea.

-Dad. -Oh!

Did you really think about buying knickers instead of a toothbrush?

Or you just wanted to piss her off?

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Why are you wearing a tracksuit? -Aren't we beginning training today?

A different kind of training!

Stop that, c'mon. Stop that.

Stop it. Here.

Black coffee. Two shots.

C'mon.

No!

Black coffee without sugar.

Anyway, sugar is poison.

Here. -Dad, I've never smoked in my life.

And look at your shitty life.

Go on!

Uh.

-Ah! -Ah!

-What are you doing here? -No, what are you doing here?

You haven't slept here for two or three months.

And why are you having breakfast in my house?

I have breakfast here almost every day.

I open the shop, and instead of going to the bar,

I'm here, looking after things.

Um... well, at least you've made me breakfast.

Morning!

Oh! Marta, what a surprise!

Are you having breakfast with us today?

Do you eat here every day as well?

No, not every day. If I'm not flying, no.

Unless I stay overnight.

-Do you both stay here as well? -You always sleep at Javi's.

And if houses aren't used, they fall to bits.

That's enough, c'mon.

Stop, stop, stop.

You'll puke the coffee.

Why did you start smoking? Are you daft?

-I do what you tell me. -Wrong!

You have to do what you want, not what someone tells you.

C'mon, c'mon.

There you are, eat what you want to.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Christ, I gave it to you for a reason.

Now you have to have whatever you want.

C'mon, try it.

And if what I want is not to have breakfast,

what do I do, have breakfast or not?

Son, you've given me a kidney,

you've given me a new life, and I'm going to do the same for you.

Are you going to give me a kidney?

Are you soft?

How can I give you a...?

It's a joke!

Maybe I'm a loser, but I do have a sense of humour!

But do you think that with this new life,

I could get Carolina back?

Look...

I'm going to help you get back your self-esteem.

If after that you want to fuck your life up,

that's your business.

Well, you can look around for another 'hostal.'

I'm not going back to Javi's for some time.

Problems in paradise?

Maybe it's Elisa's boyfriend.

Does he have breakfast here too?

Of course not. And he's not my boyfriend!

They meet here but she leaves him outside so I can't see him.

Hi.

Can we speak for a moment?

Alone.

We can stay. She'll tell us about it later.

It's electric. I could stay a week in your house with this.

It doesn't matter if I stay one night at yours

or if you stay three here.

That's not the problem. -And what's the problem?

That we can't conceive. But that's not my fault.

The problem is that the film's almost over.

And if there's no sequel, you can't force it.

What film is she talking about?

She's obsessed with 'Pretty Woman' and everything seems wrong.

My place isn't right, neither is hers.

She just wants me to peel kiwis.

Let's go to a five star hotel.

You get in a bath filled with bubbles,

and you call reception for fucking kiwis and champagne.

Well, perhaps I'll get pregnant that way.

-What? -Let's do it.

It's great, isn't it?

I was going to come here to write a review.

Are you serious? Do you have to work?

No, but I can take advantage, can't I?

Relax, I'm not going to give you a score.

Here are two dressing-gowns and some shoes for the two of you.

Great. I've got more here than in your place.

And the safe, in case you need to put some money,

passports, jewellery...

No, don't worry. I don't have a ring.

Can I keep my toothbrush there?

The 'amenities' are in the bathroom.

Anything else, you just have to call.

In the hotel we also have a spa, a gym

and a beauty salon, in case your wife would like...

No, I'm not his wife.

Have you seen 'Pretty Woman'?

I'm his...

His niece?

Maybe the spa will do you good, to relax.

Yes, and the gym for you, to lose weight.

A star with you. -Mum.

You... -Mum.

Mum! -What?

Why are you here instead of trying to make me?

Well, we were just trying but...

Can you tell me what went wrong this time?

No, I can't explain,

because what went wrong, it's a grown-up thing,

specifically, men,

who sometimes have a problem with...

Don't look, don't look!

Don't look at what?

Nothing. I'm in the bath. Can't you knock?

Hey, you weren't...?

What are you saying? I wasn't doing anything.

And if I was, it would be your fault.

Mine? You know when you get an ice cube stuck to your tongue?

I was scared that would happen with you.

I think you faked your impotence.

How can you fake impotence?

Anyway, it wasn't that, I stopped.

But I stopped because I wanted to but it was obvious that you didn't.

What didn't I want? You didn't want anything.

You were like a starfish, lying there.

I tried to kiss you and you moved.

Well, Vivian and me do everything except kissing on the lips.

Marta stop, please. Stop.

I can't take anymore of the bloody film.

This is crazy, really. You've lost the plot, for christ's sake.

Ah!

But son, come out will you?

But, what are you doing?

Are you leaving? -Yes.

You're right, I've lost it.

The hotel idea was amusing,

but it's just sticking on another band-aid.

We can't conceive here either.

What does the place matter?

You want to catch fish, but without getting wet.

If we really wanted to have a child,

we should be thinking about where to bring it up.

Is it going to be born in here?

'Reception.'

Hello. Can you bring up a cot to the room?

-'A cot.' -Yes, a cot .

-'Right away.' -Thanks.

That doesn't mean anything, but in a romantic comedy it would work.

You're very smart, but you're a coward.

And what do you consider brave? Tell me: What is bravery for you?

Going to the opera in a limosine, all dressed up and with flowers?

Is that what you call brave, is that what you want?

It's not what I want, it's what you want.

That sounds great, but do you know what you want?

I asked first.

Actually, I asked first.

Well, seeing as you're so clever, you can think up all the answers.

I knew you'd be back.

But this time, doing the starfish isn't going to work.

Where shall I put the cot?

Congratulations, you bought the ugliest thing in the shop.

I saw you looking at me like that and thought: 'I'm going to buy it.'

But do you like that shirt? I think it's awful, it's vile,

who wouldn't?

So why the hell did you buy it?

To not to do the things everyone else likes.

Oh my giddy aunt... Let's see, dummbkopf.

It's not about not doing what other people like,

if you have to be different, you have to like it, don't you see?

Well, little by little.

It's a start.

'Did you hear that?'

-'Don't worry.'

'Close the door, relax. They won't come in.'

Hello?

Ah!

Why do I have two squatters in my house?

Weren't you going to a hotel?

I don't know. What do you think?

That you should give me a Michelin star.

Are you stupid or what?

I tell you about what happened with Marta

and you give me this shit.

And how can I give a Michelin star to a dive like this?

Let's see, Martuchi.

If you're honest, you not risking a lot either.

You have your own singleton house.

Yes. Yes, if you really want to take a chance,

you should move in with him.

Go around there with your suitcases and see what he says.

Wait. Are you saying this because you think it's a good idea

or because you want me out

so you can keep the place to yourselves?

We're not so underhand. Well, Elisa is a little bit.

If you go, better to let me have the house.

Yeah, of course.

I have to listen to his amorous misadventures,

but he won't help me with my business

which is going to the dogs.

But what can I do?

Well, that Michelin star.

Rafa, I can't give you a Michelin star, it doesn't work like that.

They dont give them out like that, for christsake.

I don't carry them around with me.

Let's see now, she'd leave it to me,

that's why she's my best friend.

And I'm her colleague, and her best friend like you or more so.

She's not going to leave her place to a guy

who'll leave hairs everywhere.

And if she leaves it to you, there'll be guys everywhere.

Listen, I haven't even said if I'm going to leave yet.

And if I go, I'll have to rent it out.

I was the one who told you to put commitment on the list.

If you'd listened to me...

So help me out here.

But I don't know how to help you, Rafa.

This bar has never worked.

Maybe, the problem is the location.

Yeah.

Well, as my grandad used to say,

if you can't get milk from the cow,

let it graze on a different mountain.

If this one doesn't work,

I'll find another and start from scratch.

If it doesn't work, sell up and start from scratch.

I'm off to bed.

Tomorrow we'll see.

I'll change the lock.

You're not coming to my house to sponge breakfast.

Well...

But...

Hey!

Marta!

Marta!

And now what, can I kiss you on the lips?

But why did you come on a lorry?

Let's say that my furniture wouldn't fit in a limosine.

I put the house up for sale,

all my things are here, and I've come to live with you.

And what are you doing with all those suitcases?

Let's just say we'll have to find somewhere to sleep tonight.

So do we get the furniture out here or what?

Have you ever slept in a lorry

Great. First the motor home. Now a removal lorry.

And this is the way they want to start a family?

And where are we going to live, in a travelling circus?

Well. One step at a time

It's a start.