All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s08e08_English

MIKE (on computer):
Mandy, what do you want
me to do? I'm stuck here.

I need you to help your mom
get ready for Bonnie's wedding.

But she's being unreasonable
and I don't know

how to deal with that.

Usually I'm on the other side.

This blizzard has
the whole mountain shut down.

I'll get to
the wedding tomorrow,

even if I have to
tunnel through the snow.

But in the meantime, you're up.

Can't Kristin do it?
She's known Mom longer.

Listen, she's pregnant,

she doesn't need
the stress, kid.

Well, what about Jen?
Or the mailman?

He's reliable.

Uh-uh. We're family,
and you're gonna do this.

Fine.

-She's here, I have to go.
-(indistinct chatter)

...there was a kind of...
Oh, Vanessa, darling,

look at your wonderful daughter,
folding wedding programs.

-What a dear.
-Yeah,

well, waiting until
the day before the wedding

is cutting it a little close,
but yes, a dear.

Have you heard from your father?

I have, but I don't think
I want to tell you.

He's snowed in at the cabin,
isn't he?

Oh, I hope he started a fire.
Nothing is cozier.

Yeah, well, being where
you're supposed to be is cozier.

-You spit a little.
-What... Oh.

Uh, so how did it go
at the caterer?

Oh, everything seemed lovely.

Your-your mother had an issue
with the bread baskets, which...

W... No-no, no,
I j-I just thought

there wasn't enough variety,

so I had them add
a pretzel roll and a focaccia.

And I just, you know,
took a swing. (chuckles)

Darling, you have got to relax.

This wedding
is going to be just perfect.

-Nothing like my first wedding,
which was pee-ew.. -Okay.

Mom, Mom... you know,
that-that's like the tenth slam

you've taken against
your first wedding.

We get it.
It wasn't great.

Well, it's just that everything
was so rushed.

-The whole thing was...
-And now 11.

Okay. Well, I am off
to bed, ladies.

I'm going to be dreaming
of the perfect wedding.

I see focaccia plum fairies

dancing in my head.

Yes, she'll get
the perfect wedding.

You'll see.

You'll all see.

If you tell a crazy person
they're crazy,

does it make it better or worse?

Mandy, I am not crazy.

I just... I just need
everything to be perfect, okay?

Why?
It's Grandma's second wedding,

and Ed's, like, 12th.

All right, you know what?
I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna tell... I don't want
to keep things from you,

the way my mom did with me.

The reason this is so important
to me is because...

I ruined my mother's
first wedding.

How?
You-you weren't even born.

No, but I was there.
I was there.

She hated her first wedding

because she was pregnant,
with me.

-(gasps) I can't believe this.
-Yeah.

Grandma's cool?
(chuckles)

*

Oh. My. God.
I know something about you

nobody else in
this entire family knows.

I can't wait to tell them.

-N... Mandy. Mandy.
-No-no-no, don't worry.

I'll wait until after
you're dead. I can't wait.

Okay, you know what? Telling you
was a terrible mistake.

No, no, no, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
I am an amazing confidant,

okay? I... I know
exactly when to look concerned.

I-I know how to...
to gently touch your arm,

and I have got
the cutest sympathetic nod.

Mandy, please, please, honey,

this was not an easy thing
for me to admit.

(sighs)

I understand.
How long have you known?

All right, just a few weeks.

I saw Grandma's
wedding certificate,

and was definitely pregnant
with me when she got married.

Well, what did Grandma say
when you told her?

No. I didn't tell her.
No, wow. No.

I-I feel like this explains
so much about my childhood.

Look, if I can just give her
the wedding she'd always wanted,

always deserved, then,
I don't know,

maybe it'll
clean the slate between us.

What? Hold on, what do...
what do you mean,

clean the slate? Mom, you didn't
ruin Grandma's wedding.

You were just a little thing.

A little... pootie-pootie
doodle head.

-I want a baby so bad.
-I know.

Look, it doesn't make sense
in my head, either,

but it makes sense in my heart.

Oh...
Oh, and that was real sympathy,

I swear to God,
it just came out.

Look, honey, I really need
your help with this wedding.

Mom, every time
I was in trouble,

you were there for me,
so I'm gonna be there for you.

What-what can I do?

All right, well,
I'm putting you in charge of Ed.

He cannot ruin this.

-Oh, he's not gonna ruin it.
He loves Grandma.
-Mm.

-It's so sweet, sometimes
it crosses over into icky.
-Yeah.

Well, Ed has a history
of messing up weddings.

He was late for his first

and showed up drunk
at his second,

and came to his third
in cargo shorts.

Cargo shorts at a wedding.
This will not stand.

Where have you guys been?

I already finished
making all of the gift bags.

Ryan made us
swing by the church.

We're going to be ushers. I just
wanted to check the layout.

It's a bunch of benches.

How can you not know
what a church looks like?

Well, I didn't know
if it was a proscenium

or a church in the round.

I mean, the last time I ushered
was at my high school play.

Which I should have been in.

But we won't get into that
right now.

Oh, I understand.
I'm not upset.

No, I don't get upset.

Okay, I love you, too.

Jackass.

Talking to Mike?

No, Eve.

She can't make it
to the wedding, either.

Her commander thinks
tactical air training

is more important than love.

-Jackass.
-Yeah.

I guess you'll have to return

this beautiful dress.

Unless you know someone

her exact same size.

That's a great idea, Jen.

Would you like to fill in
for Eve?

More than anything in the world!

Oh, great.
Well, my workload just doubled.

I mean, I guess I'll just be,

uh, ushering people
to their seats

while everyone else
is up on stage.

It's Bye Bye Birdie
all over again.

Oh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Uh... (clears throat)

-Hi, Ed.
-Mandy. Mandy,
don't you look beautiful.

All right, so, uh, so
to what do I owe the pleasure?

Oh, well, uh, I hear
that it's tradition

for the groom
to see his future...

step... grand... daughter.

Mm, uh.
All right, I never heard that.

Anyway, since I'm here,

uh, I might as well give you
a ride to the church.

So-so we can
get you there on time.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh.
Look at the tux.

Oh...

Lovely jacket,

shirt, tie, pants.

-Good for you.
-Mm-hmm.

All right.

What you... what you working on?

I know what you're doing.

You're checking up on me, right?

Me? No.

All right, Mandy.
Cut the cute, now.

Now, if Mike put you up to this,

tell him I do not need
a babysitter.

-Now, come on, I've got
to get dressed. Let's go.
-Okeydoke.

Come on, come on.

Those were long pants, right?

Um... all right.

I wish people would stop
using my lint roller.

Every time I go to use it,
the sticky's all gone.

You know who you are.

You know you can just
peel off that top layer.

Maybe you can.

Moneybags.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm on a secret mission.
Follow me.

You know what?
Watch what you say in here.

I've always suspected your dad
bugged this place.

You know why?

'Cause he's a good man
who works hard.

Okay, listen. This wedding
is very important to my mom,

so she asked me
to keep an eye on Ed.

Why?

Well, apparently,
Ed has this history

with ruining his past weddings,

so it's my job to get him there
on time, sober, and in a tux.

No-no, I meant,
why did she ask you?

I'm head of security.

I got cameras
all over Outdoor Man.

If I can keep an eye
on a whole store

I can certainly
keep track of one old man.

Hey, babe. Uh, can I get a ride
to the church with you?

Why? I thought
you were going with Ed.

Me too.
But he just left.

What do you mean?
Where did he go?

I don't know, but he sure
did seem like he was in a hurry.

I'll check the monitor.

Chuck, get eyes for Ed.

Uh, I think you mean
"eyes on Ed."

Whatever.
Where are his eyes?

Right now they're driving
out of the parking lot.

Oh, no. Well, maybe
he's on his way to the church.

Yeah, not if he's planning
on wearing his tux.

Dad? If you're listening,
this is not my fault.

How did you lose him?

Well, there-there's a lot
of blame to go around,

-but most fingers
are pointing to Chuck.
-Hey!

You need to stop arguing
and start looking for him.

He's either at home, the VFW,

or any bar in the greater
Denver area, all right?

I wish you were here.

Listen, I'm working on it.

I drove a snowmobile
to the airport in Vail.

I'll be on the next flight
out of here,

all right?
Look, Ed couldn't

have gone far.
As long as we find him

and get him to the wedding,
none of this ever happened.

It's gonna be okay.

(sighs) Thanks, Dad.
You always know what to say.

Uh, Vanessa just pulled in.

Run for your lives.
Baxter out.

* Here comes the bridesmaids *

* All dressed like bridesmaids *

Kristin.
What the heck.

I told you I'm not
wearing that dress.

I'm pregnant.
The dress isn't.

But it's tradition.

Bridesmaids have
to dress the same,

so they can be a backdrop
for the bride.

The bride has to shine.

She will shine.
I just won't be as itchy.

(chuckles)
You can still wear the dress.

No. This is not
how it's supposed to go.

What if all the bridesmaids
in the movie Bridesmaids

didn't dress like bridesmaids?

Then it would just be called
Some Friends Who Show Up.

Oh, Jen, darling,

you look lovely.

Thank you.
See?

She wants us
to wear the dresses.

She'll be so mad if we don't.

Oh, honestly, no, no, no.

Y-You girls wear
whatever you like.

My first wedding,
we didn't even have bridesmaids.

(chuckles)
See?

Oh, technically, I guess we did.

My mother threw dresses
on two complete strangers. Ugh.

That's what you are to me.

A complete stranger.

Bet's to you, moneybags.

Hey, Mom.
'Sup?

Uh, I forgot to give Ed
his boutonniere.

-Where is he?
-Oh, it's okay.

I will give it to him.
Bye-bye.

What, uh, w-what are
you guys playing?

-Well, uh...
-Oh, God, I can't take
the pressure, okay?

He's gone.
Mr. Alzate is gone.

What?
Ed's gone?

I'm sorry I cracked, Mandy.

-You saw how she went after me.
-Wh...

Where-where is Ed?

We don't know. W-We...
He's not answering his phone.

But don't worry, we'll find him.

Oh, God, oh, God,
I did it again.

Oh, I've let my mother down.

So much for a clean slate.

The slate will just stay dirty.
I'll just...

I'll always be dirty,
filthy-slate Vanessa.

(computer ringing)

Hey, it's-it's Mike
calling back.

For the first time.

Mike! Mike.

Hey, have you heard?
Ed's missing.

What?

Drop it, Dad.
Give us what you got.

W-Wait. I got an idea.
Uh, Chuck, do you remember

when we put that tracking app
on Ed's phone?

Oh, yeah.
When he kept losing it.

T-This is no time to reminisce.

-We have got to find Ed.
-On it, Baxter.

A-All right. They're closing
the door, so I got to go.

Everything's gonna
be okay, Vanessa.

Yeah, I'm turning it off.

Are you gonna be like this
for the whole half hour?

H-Hey, h-hey, I-I found Ed.

What... Oh, thank God.

If he's in a bar, I'll kill him.

He's in the hospital.

What did you do?

Ed?
What happened?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, okay. I mean, you know,
I-I'm only asking

because you're in a hospital bed
on your wedding day.

(chuckles)

It's kidney stones.

-Kidney stones? (sighs)
-Yeah.

Why does everything
always happen to me?

Oh, y... To-to you.

No, I mean, to-to you.

I can usually ride them out,
but this one's different.

I mean, it's been getting worse
all week. I...

Damn thing feels like
the size of a meatball.

Ah, well, that's one thing

I'm gonna delete
from the family menu.

Ed, why-why didn't
you tell anybody?

-(moans) Don't.
-Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah, I thought I could
get over here, see the doc

and get some pain meds and still
make it to the wedding, and...

but when he saw
the size of it...

-Well, here I am.
-Mm.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I wish you had
said something sooner.

We could have postponed
the ceremony.

Oh, no, no, Vanessa. I th...
did not want that to happen.

This was too important to you.

-(clears throat)
-Mm, well, I mean,

not that it matters now,
but yeah, it-it was.

I was just... I was just trying
to make up for something

at her first wedding.

Her first wedding?

That's not something
you need to do.

No, trust me, it-it is.

E-Ed, I don't want
to talk about it.

I just... I can't.

Holy crap.
You know.

Know what?

Holy crap, you know!

-(exclaims)
-Oh, sorr... sorry. I'm sorry.

Please.
Oh, God...

Of course I know.
We're getting married.

She told me all about
her past life and I told her...

much of mine.

Well, I mean, I'm glad
she confided in someone.

When you love each other, you
don't have secrets between you.

Yeah, well, you'd think, right?

Yeah, but you're keeping a
secret now from her, right? Huh?

Maybe it's time
you two come clean.

(sighs) I don't know, Ed.
I ju... It's too scary. I...

Scary?
You want scary?

I'm about to become
your stepfather, so...

(both laugh)

-Oh! Don't-don't...
-I'm sorry. Oh...

-Don't come closer.
-So sorry.

What?

What happened?

(sighs)

You can tell me.
I'm a Marine.

I can handle bad news.

I just...
(sighs)

I mean, I don't know
what I'm gonna tell my mom.

(crying):
Oh, God.

I loved the guy so much.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do without him.

ED:
Get the hell in here, Chuck.

Damn.

(gasps)
Oh.

-How is he?
-Uh, he's fine.

Did he-did he
pass the stone yet?

Uh, well, the-the doctor
said it could take a while.

Oh. I suppose that's because

it has to travel quite a...

(chuckles)
...distance.

Oof.

Mom, I-I... I-I need
to tell you something

and, uh, it's-it's not easy.

I saw your old
marriage certificate.

I did the math.

Oh.

Surprise.

Mom, a-all those things
you've been saying

about your first wedding,

I mean, it's obvious
you resented me.

Even though

I-I was just a little
pootie-pootie doodle head.

Oh, darling, I...
Oh, please.

Oh, those barbs
were not aimed at you.

They were aimed at me.

I was... I was disappointed.

In myself, in your father

for getting us
into that situation, and...

Although...

we did have some fun
getting there, too. (laughs)

Oof.

I suppose I-I should've...

I should've told you the truth,

but in-in my defense,

I am a tightly-wound, repressed,

Episcopalian control freak.

I mean, apparently,
not that one night, but...

Look, Mom, I'm just worried

that I may have ruined more
than just your first wedding.

I-I feel like I may have
ruined your life.

Darling, what are you
talking about?

Well, I mean, you always
wanted a college education,

and-and being pregnant with me
kind of stopped that.

Sweetheart,

I got exactly the education
that I wanted.

I raised
an exceptional daughter.

Thank you, Mom.

-(crying)
-Thank you.

(chuckles)
Look what I found.

A giant kidney stone attached
to a stubborn Spaniard.

BONNIE:
Oh.

Edward, are you all right,
darling?

-Oh, oh, no, no, no.
-I know, I know.

All the better to see you,
my dear.

Wait, should-should he be up?

No.
But he's Ed.

He said there was no way
he was gonna miss this wedding.

Edward, you are not
to leave this hospital.

No, no. I've waited
through four bad marriages

to get to this one.

I'm not gonna wait another day.

You know what?

Maybe you doesn't have to.

(chuckles)
Don't start without us.

-VANESSA: Oh, wow.
-Oh... Oh, my God!

-Oh, you girls look beautiful.
-Yeah.

Kristin, I didn't know
you were gonna wear it.

I did.

We're your bridesmaids.
We-we wanted you to shine.

(chuckles)

She said it's coming off
in a half hour,

-so we should get going.
-VANESSA: Yeah, yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay.

We also brought you something
for your hair.

Oh, how beautiful.
Oh, darling.

-Thank you. Isn't that lovely?
-Here, Mom, I'll do it.

-Yes, beautiful.
All right, where?
-Yeah, yeah. Stick it...

-Right there? Okay, got it.
-I think the... Yeah.

-Let me do it!
-Aah!

There's a right way
and a wrong way.

Ooh, okay.
(chuckles)

You girls really do
look beautiful.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me, I'm looking
for the Alzate-Davis wedding.

-Mike! Oh, my God.
-(laughs) Oh, God.

And minutes to spare.
I could've got myself a hot dog.

Honey, honey, listen, I-I know
you had a long travel day,

but I-I kind of need you
to get in there.

-Yeah.
-Uh, gladly.
You two look wonderful.

Thanks, Dad.
Mwah.

-All right.
-And Mike?

-Yeah?
-I'm so glad you're here.

#MeToo.

(clapping)

Okay, people.
Here's how it's going to go.

Me first, because I'm shortest,
then Kristin, then Mandy.

Lead with your right foot and...

-(music playing over phone)
-Okay...

*

(music stops)

Okay, we're gathered here today
because of the miracle

of Yamaha snowmobiles

and Rocky Mountain
Regional Airlines.

So, we stand here

before God,

family,

friends

and the afternoon staff here
at Denver General Hospital.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man

-to tell you about
a-a secret sale.
-Shh!

Mm. "So, when is it?"
"What's for sale, Mike?"

"How much is discounted?"

Look, I'm not telling you,
because...

it's a secret.

That's frustrating, isn't it?

There are some things
you should keep secret,

some things you shouldn't.
(chuckles)

If you've ever owned
a pair of MC Hammer pants,

you might want to take that
to your grave.

Although they're
quite comfortable.

The saying goes, "Our secrets
make us sick, but be careful.

"Depending on
what you're sharing,

confessions can bite you
in the ass."

Now, if it's really important
to keep a secret,

word of advice:
don't bug your own office.

You were an odd bird,
Tricky Dick. Man.

Sometimes secrets
weigh so heavily on us

that it's hard to move forward
while carrying them around.

Mm, it's like trying
to paddle upriver

with a canoe full of beer kegs.

Trust me, it's easier coming
back upriver when they're empty.

Make it so.

So if something
is weighing you down,

maybe it's time
to lighten your load.

And if you need
somewhere to put it,

as chance would have it,
we've got 50% off

hard-shell cargo carriers.

Look at that--
I just told you my secret.

I-I feel better. How about you?
Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH