Original subtitles

MY SISTER IN LAW

What a doll!

Lady, what are you doing? It's a one way street...

You can't go that way.

I'm new to Bellignano...if you... Hey? Why don't you reply?

- Good morning, doctor. - Good morning, Lo Presti.

Hey, look who's once again. Let me give you my business card...

- Engineer Raffaele Ghislenghi. - It's a pleasure.

- Listen, I'm new to this little town. Do you know where the court house is? - Did you say the court house?

A small matter, nothing important. I'm a close friend of the minister...

...but I don't want to disturb him over something so trivial.

You know how things work in Italy...

...by a hundred notes I could just buy that dumb magistrate...

-...and in five minutes I'd be out, on my way back to Lugano. - Well done, well done.

Listen, lady, why are you so cold with me?

We might stay in touch for this evening.

What the fuck! She has just got in touch with me right away!

- Engineer Ghislenghi! - Who are you?

One moment.

Greetings.

Perfectly on time. Well done! Talk about Switzerland...

I'm Bortolon.

The lawyer Bortolon from the bar of Bellignano, it's a pleasure.

We must go to the court house. Have you forgotten?

The hearing is set at 9 o'clock. It's nothing, don't worry...

It's one of those cases where we've won before we even start.

It should only take a few minutes, there's no dispute against you...

- I've studied this case thoroughly. - That's what worries me.

Come, I'll clear a path, come.

Hi.

This is your seat.

- Who's he? - That's the lawyer Lo Presti.

A locum for the public prosecutor. He'll just make you die laughing.

- He's from Trinacria. - Strange, I thought he was Sicilian...

Is he tough?

Tough him? He's softy. An erotic maniac.

Both he and the chancellor the more are softy the more they comprime themselves being closer to the magistrate.

- Don't worry. - Who's worried?

- You don't know me, dear Burtacchion. - Bortolon.

A judge who can screw me over has still to be born.

Court is in session.

- Who's she? - The lady magistrate.

She works as a compressor for the two neurotic guys.

- As I told you, the whole thing is a farce. - A farce? It's a tragedy.

I'm asking the lawyer Lo Presti for providing the public prosecutor's functions. Lawyer Lo Presti?

- He...here! - Chancellor, write it down.

Yes, doctor. Right away.

Sit down, come on.

Here're the criminal proceedings versus Esposito Raffaele...

...also known as count Ghislanzoni Doria Raffaele...

...also known as professor Viscardi Raffaele...

...also known as engineer Ghislenghi Raffaele...

...and from now on also know as the fucked Raffaele...

Lawyer, how many years are for a sentence for fraud?

- From 1 to 6 years, but, don't worry, in your case... -...they will be 12! - Of course not!

- Is the defendant in this courtroom? - Unfortunately...here.

Come forward.

Who is defending you?

That's me, the lawyer Bortolon, mrs magistrate.

The usual.

Fine.

You know the charge.

Articles 640, 515 and 516 of the penal code...

...on the basis of a report by Spegiorin Oreste...

...as the owner of the restaurant "The gourmet's tavern"...

...you've been charged with selling a lot of one thousand...

...cans for food for dogs...

...passing them off as top notch goulash.

- What must you say in your defence? - I'm not guilty, I swear!

Illustrious mrs magistrate...

...there's only a way to dismantle this unequal accusation...

...which my client, a principled and honest citizen,...

-...has been charged. - A victim of a world bastard like a dog.

- A dog! - A dog? - A hard-working man...

...of a high degree and of a steady reputation in the business' world!

Who, according to what proceedings report, has been already sentenced many times.

- Article 669: unauthorized practice of hawker as a profession. Article 517:... - Don't worry about that...

-...sale of false industrial products... - Don't worry about that too...

673: removal of signs or shelters...

707: unauthorized possession of altered keys.

567: substitution of newborn babies.

498: usurpation of military command. 574: subtraction of persons of unsound mind.

Illustrious mrs magistrate...

...but these are small guilts, youth excesses!

I'm wondering who didn't make them! Who?

We are not here to judge these small guilts, but...

...a charge which my client rejects vigorously. May I have one of them please?

Mrs magistrate, but which food for dogs!!!

I do say, so I'm showing you,...

...mrs magistrate, that that lot sold to Spegiorin...

-...was an exquisite dish! - Be quiet Burtacchion! - Bortolon!

- A very good goulash, mrs magistrate! - Burtacchion! - Bortolon!

A very good goulash, I said, made by an extraordinary,...

...exquisite and amazing top notch meat,...

...meat, mrs magistrate, which I'm tasting right now!

Chancellor, be quick, get rid of those cans. They might explode.

What a scent, mrs magistrate. It's exquisite...

Now, I will try some.

Let's go to the bar. Go away, go away!

- How do you feel, lawyer? - How do you think I feel?

I'm feeling distraught. I'm not used to it.

It's feeling like my intestine has turned inside out...

Engineer, with all due respect, it's like I've got shit in my mouth.

- Two coffees. - Good, good.

The only thing I could do...

...was to request a laboratory analysis.

Sometimes, you know, you may buy time thanks to an additional inquest.

So, between the lab analysis and the delayed proceedings I'll get a life sentence.

Forget the life sentence, don't speak this way...

You as well, tough, of all the hot chicks in Bellignano...

...you had to go up against the lady magistrate.

She's not a woman, she's a cop. Everyone's scared of her...

There was a certain amount of freedom earlier.

Lawyer, damn! Do you want me to wrap some up so you can take it home?

Since the lady magistrate arrived on the scene...

-...it has become a town of puritans. - I understand you, lawyer.

No, you can't understand it...

This is a prosperous town, thanks to some small factories, farmings...

But she's quite something new... she's terrible.

They're bigots: when a spicy film plays in the cinema they all go crazy.

- That lady magistrate eats up all their bread. - I understand you, lawyer.

You can't understand it.

They're all madly in love with the lady magistrate.

First of all, because she's beautiful...

...and secondly, because she's a woman as a magistrate.

So they think they're advanced, evolved...

-...feminists. - I understand you, lawyer.

- You can't understand it. - So why are you telling me?

This way. She's giving a rough time. What a desperation she's!

And that great bigot, Lo Presti,...

...is her black soul.

Those two seize all the spicy comics, and when porn films are screened...

...they go insane, just like when they used to burn witches.

Where are you going?

Were you going to pay? No, not on your life! You're my guest...

- Lawyer, it was only a coffee and some snacks. - Okay for the coffee but the snacks were six.

- I won't allow you, I changed my mind, you're my guest. - Please, don't be ridiculous...

- I said I'm paying and that's it. - But...

Two coffees and six snacks.

Engineer, engineer, what about the rest?

The rest...well, you can tell me the rest the next time, lawyer.

- At this point you, what do you do to the common sense of decency? - Huh? - What do you do to the common sense of decency?

- What do you mean? - By now you're saying goodbye to it!

Good thing that we have the 2nd paragraph of article 508...

...where obscene language...- 28... - 28 you're right, obscenity, vulgarities...

...in every aspect, even into the movies!

We must believe, we must obey, and also fight!

Lawyer, I agree with you completely...

-...but this screening worries me a lot. - Why?

- We're in a delicate situation now. - Really?

I'm not sure if I've explained myself, but...

...th-th-that lady is a woman, she's naive...

- What does she know about dicks? With all due respect...- Sure, with all the due respect...

- So, how can she judge? - What's that got to do with it?

It's her profession. She studied at university. What the fuck!

Here she comes.

She's so beautiful.

Sit down, please.

- We can start immediately. - Yes, doctor.

We'll write everything down, chancellor.

- May I? - Who is it? The usual ball breakers.

- Mr Pavarin. - Has it started?

- Not yet, the lady magistrate has just arrived right now. - Take this.

- Come in. - Tony...

- I took the liberty of bringing the apothecary with me. - But... - He's outside the door. - Never mind...

Come in.

- I brought some friends along. - No...no other friends.

Come in...Bepi, Gaston, Pasquale.

Oh, my dear Bepi... Have your money ready, come on!

Great. Where are you going? Fork up!

Anyone else? No, that's enough.

I never earned so much, not even during the days of "Gone with the wind".

Let me through. I need to do that, that's my place there, are you crazy?

- One moment. - One moment, once again...

Chancellor, put this down in my verbal.

- Excuse me, can we stop the screening? - Yes.

Thank you.

Tony. Stop it.

Upon a report by Lo Presti Francesco,...

...legal proceedings are started, according to articles 528, 529...

They are started because later here...

Let's continue.

- Tony, play the movie. - Go ahead.

...and back...

Performance of acts of selferoticism...

- Huh? - Handjob, wank, jerking off, masturbation!

Many people practice it without even knowing the name...

There's a lot of ignorance around. It's crazy.

The scene, the scene.

Silence, please. Do you want me to go to jail? You're clandestine inside here. Quiet!

Someone starts to give permissions like in the nest of a cuckoo... [play on the words: cuculo=cuckoo and culo=back]

...and here's finally where we're gone.

Sodomy.

- What? - Sodomy.

Sodomy, sodomy, though it's little, it uses to slip on your ass like a bottle.

So they say...I'm sorry.

Stop.

I said stop.

- Rewind it. - Rewind it, Tony.

- I said rewind it. - Lawyer, it's me who can give orders around here.

Sit down immediately.

What is that "sodomy"?

- She took it in her ass. - We spent well our money.

Write, chancellor...

Fellatio in ore...[in legal language from ancient Latin=blowjob]

...ore...[from ancient Latin=mouth, also "ore" is the Italian for "hours"]

It's a quarter to four, your Excellency.

Yes, yes, I know that. I don't understand this "fellatio".

- Ah! Blow-job. - Perfect.

Thank you.

- Greetings, reverend. - Greetings, commander.

- Please, doctor. - Thanks.

Please, father.

Let's drink to the launch of our "Altero's domestic chicken of the castle"

- To the Altero's chicken. - Cheers.

It was a great idea, Bellignano deserves some recognition.

Thank you so much, mrs doctor Orlando, you've always been kind to me, however...

...it was really my father-in-law's idea.

As a commercial, the idea of the "Altero's domestic chicken of the castle"...

...is by my son-in-law. - Not to sound boastful! - Anyway chickens are bred...

...intensively into a modern and aseptic environment...

Mrs doctor, doctor Orlando.

Excuse me but it's urgent.

Please, excuse me. Thank you.

I'm sorry to disturb but this urgent telegram has arrived for you.

- Is it bad news, mrs magistrate? - No, no, nothing important.

- Can I make a call? - Yes, through there.

The telephone is in the study with the tapestries.

Hello? I'd like to speak to mrs Rosa Orlando please.

Yes, I'm waiting.

- Mrs Orlando? - Yes.

- There's a call for you. - Thank you.

Hello? Viola. It's you, sweetie.

- He left me. - Who was he this time?

What do you mean, who? The drummer of the Blue Boys band.

I met him a month ago in Cesenatico.

- What do you want me to do? - What? I'm desperate...

I loved him so much. He was so handsome, so manly.

- Just like all the others. - No...more, much more.

At least twice as manly.

Viola, I'm desperate. I'm ready to do something stupid really.

He left me alone and in trouble... ...and I've still got to pay the hotel bill.

It's not possible. You'll never change.

I get it, you'll kill yourself. Okay, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Are you crazy? With all those people next door.

There's no one here. They all left.

- And your father-in-law? - He took them to say goodbye to his chickens.

His, yours and your wife's ones.

This way you won't talk about the divorce, true?

You're not jealous of the chickens now? It's my job, what can I do?

I've got 120 families to maintain. Every week they come...

...with their hands out to ask for money. My father-in-law has to pay them. You can try to understand, my darling.

- Viola, my dear...you drive me crazy, I love you. - I can't, I have to go, let me go.

- I'm already late. - Where are you going Viola?

I have an appointment. I have to see my...

I have to see someone.

Viola...Viola.

You're not telling me the truth, you're leading a double life.

I'm really desperate. 300 in my account and 300 in his.

That's the sound of a Jaguar's engine...

I guessed it: a red Jaguar with a charming millionairess on board.

Hey.

- Great, boy, will you park my car? - Yes, sir.

- Will you check my tires? - Yes, sir.

- Will you clean the windows? - Yes, sir.

- Great, do you smoke? - Yes, sir.

So give me a cigarette because I've finished them.

Damn! He's playing even the discontent guy!

Nice.

What a pair...

...of margheritas.

I'd like to leaf through her. She loves me, she doesn't love me... she loves me, she doesn't love me...

The lady magistrate!

Forgive me, I didn't really think you loved me...

...I mean you didn't love me... I'm sorry, I'm confused.

- I bet you come from Bellignano, true? - What?

Don't you remember me? The tinned meat?

- Meat? - The tinned meat, don't you remember?

Sure, it's not easy to meet gentlemen like you nowadays.

But how?

Thus you mean to say... this morning...

After everything, you realise it was just an innocent prank.

- Perhaps I exaggerated a bit. - Did you exaggerate? Why?

Right...why?

- You're a really nice guy. - Well, I understand...

Public life is public life. Private life, on the other hand...

Yes, that's quite right. Listen...

- Why don't you invite me to dinner this evening? - If I invite you to dinner, you might...

...accuse me of trying to corrupt an official.

Men have been trying to corrupt me since I was 16 years old.

Do they ever succeed?

Almost everyone.

Hello, Broccolon? Take care of studying well the article 319!

- What has article 319 got to do with it? - It's crucial...

...because I'm about to sleep with your lady magistrate.

- How is that possible? - I've got her eating out of my hand.

It was an incredible coincidence, I won't let her get away.

I'm going to grab a piece of justice. I'm going to sodomise the law.

- What did you say, dear? - I'm calling Lecce.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Who is it? It's you Berficon?

- I'd better say goodbye because... - I remind you, Ghislenghi...

Your fate is in your hands. Your hands can help you to avoid handcuffs.

Understood? Be firm.

I couldn't be firmer.

Yes.

I recognize it.

This tune by Beethoven always excites me.

Which one is it? The fifth one?

How do I know? I couldn't keep score.

- Come dear, we can do it together again. - It's easier said than done!

...but I'm shattered.

Why don't you come, dear?

How do you feel?

What can I say?

If I ever meet a girl who likes it limp...

...I'll destroy her.

- Who is it? - The porter. - Come in.

I thought there were two of them.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- The bill for mrs Orlando and myself. - Very well, sir.

I'm leaving my suitcase. Don't take your eyes off it.

- I'm going to fill up and I'll be right back. - Please do.

- Add 50 thousand lire for yourself. - Thank you.

God damn it. I'll destroy them, I'll kill them...

Tell me, can we go on this way?

- What if we start shooting some of them? - Who?

What do you mean, who? Thieves, delinquents...

It's the second time I've been robbed in a month, got that?

I put 5000 francs in my wallet.

- How much is it? - 37.500 lire.

Look, there you go.

As you can see, it's a real gem.

It's worth at least two millions. Don't lose it.

I'll come back for it tomorrow. I trust you.

- Where did you get it? - Into my ass.

- My love... - Honey?

- I have a confession to make. - Okay, we'll stop at the first church.

- I knew you weren't the lady magistrate from Bellignano. - What will you do now?

- Do you kill me? - I'll make you rich.

The bill for room 54. Make sure they pay up.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- Your bill. - What bill?

The bill.

Lobster, champagne, caviar...

- Not bad for a single person. - It's for two, there's the engineer too.

Which engineer?

- Your fiance. - Listen...

You're mistaken, I'm not Rosa Orlando, I'm her sister Viola.

- And I'm your grandfather. - Don't play the fool please.

Thus let's stop joking around.

I've been doing this job for forty years, I've seen and known every trick...

If you think I'm going to return your suitcase, you're very much mistaken.

- Why? Is there a suitcase? - Yes, there's a suitcase too, didn't you know?

The lady's suitcase.

Do you see what brakes, commander?

Dear engineer Ghislenghi, allow me to introduce the commander Colombo.

A pleasure.

Mrs Ghislenghi. How are you, my dear?

Who's she?

As you can see, everything's ready: our motto is "efficiency and speed".

- I was saying... - It's a real jewel.

7000 km, air-conditioned, anti-theft windows...

...automatic gears, rear braking system, cassette player...

...auto-steering, auto-braking, auto-playing...

Do you need anything else?

This is really music to my ears, two millions in advance.

Bloody southerner, another 10 minutes and you'd have blown everything.

- Do you want to ruin me? - Excuse me, but this Jaguar...

...didn't we already sell it to Trabucchi? He's coming to collect it on Friday.

It's only Monday today, and tomorrow we've got that cheque from the notary.

But you don't care about that! What a great partner! Just look at you.

You're always messing around and playing. You look like a kid with a face like an ass...

And you look like an ass with a face like a kid!

Anyway, my dear partner, let me take care of business.

Is that what you mean by business?

You're always going around with bitches.

- Stop! She might look like a bitch. - But she's a saint, right?

Right, she's a saint. Our patron saint...

Pa-patron... In short, she's going to work miracles.

If the information is correct, they should be around here. Bend over...

There's her...that asshole of the lady magitrate.

They're taking samples.

You should see this, lawyer. You're going to have to fix this.

You have to show them my factory isn't polluting anything...

- I don't need a purifier. - It's easier said than done!

But where's your nose? Can't you smell it?

Ammonia, pure ammonia.

If only all magistrates looked like her.

Yeah, she's a real hot chick.

Our dear lady magistrate from Bellignano...

...I'll give you a purifier, but on my terms.

That's why I haven't sold any trout since Scotti built his factory.

They say it doesn't taste of trout. Get a whiff of it, mrs magistrate...

Try it for yourself.

Chancellor, seal that, compile a report and have all of these samples analysed.

- I want to know perfectly what it's. - What else could it be?

This is piss.

I don't give a shit about the law, my dear lawyer...

Do you realise how much this fucking purifier is going to cost to me?

A minimum of 200 million. I said minimum.

No, no...

Who the hell sent here that damned magistrate from Bellignano?

Can't you pay her off?

She has to cost less than 200 million.

Is her thing maybe made of gold?

No...just get a move on. Buy, buy!

Incorruptable my ass...

What are you talking about? Everyone has a price.

Well said, commander, well said!

You can go, thank you.

May I introduce myself? Engineer Ghislenghi Doria.

I'm taking a seat please.

Excuse, just tell me immediately what you want.

Do you recognize this woman standing next to me?

This is that asshole of the lady magitrate from Bellignano.

My wife.

- Your lady? - Yeah?

Forgive me... You know how it's?

- Is she really your wife? - Gosh! She's the lady and the owner of my heart...

A woman who's worth her weight in gold.

And...

...how much does she weigh?

- Around five millions now. - Five millions?

Because she's on a diet.

Let's keep her on this diet.

- Here's your new handbag. - A handbag? Why?

Because there's a little surprise inside.

Yes?

- I hope you won't feel offended... - Who knows?

- Five millions. - Yes, yes.

When people're drunk don't they see double?

- No, it's really five millions. - But I want to see double instead.

I understand.

- Let's make it ten. - That's the double.

I must say...

-...you're quite a top-level magistrate. - That's right.

There you go.

No, no...this one.

I drank too much.

- I can't even stand up. - No, no, why do you want to get up?

I'll come to you. Make yourself comfortable.

Let me get ready. I'll be right there.

I'm coming, dear. Here comes Scotti.

What are you doing, commander? Have you gone crazy?

- Do you know who I am? - Yes, you're Scotti's hot chick, Scotti's hot chick, beautiful, beautiful!

- What do we do about the purifier? - Whatever you want...

Tell me when you want it? Where, and how?

...this purifier.

I'm going to settle this matter once and for all.

- You'd better leave this up to me, commander. - No, no...

My dear famous lawyer, Scotti doesn't need help from anyone this time round.

Come in.

My respects, mrs doctor, here's mr Scotti, that one about the lake.

With all due respect.

- Take a seat. - Thank you.

- Are you Angelo Scotti? - Yes, Angelo.

Angelino, for my intimate friends.

Fine.

- You are aware of the situation? - Sure.

Any attempt for a compromise...

-...is totally out of the question. - Yes, right now...

- We'll talk about it later, later. - Pardon?

Later, later!

- It may be impossible later. - What do you mean with impossible?

I have to put myself in a position suitable...

-...for the needs of both parties. - Sure! Thank you so much!

"Both parties".

- Pardon? -"Both parties".

Very well, commander, I'll get to the point...

...the thing has grown since I put my hands on it...

- Good! That's how we should be talking. - There's no turning back.

- We have to take it to the very end. - The very very very end.

- Do you agree? - Sure, that's why I'm here.

Well chancellor, please go and get the other concerned party.

- This is great, I said, this is great! - Go on, chancellor, come on.

- Yes, but... - Go.

- Go. - My respects, mrs doctor.

Beautiful, beatiful! My hot chick!

- Have you gone mad? - Not just me...

I understand, you don't want others to know, but now we're alone...

Beautiful!

You hit me. Hit me, dear...

I'm the lady magistrate from Bellignano.

- My dearest magistrate... - Police!

- Police, police! - My hot chick! - Help!

Arrest this man!

He's insane.

Lady magistrate...magistrate, my ass...

Gross indecency in front of a public official...

Where was that public official last night?

Ten millions for a hand job? This is a joke.

Tell me this is all a joke. My hot chick! My hot chick!

Try to forget everything, my love.

Don't be so tense during these moments at least...

Relax. Think about something else.

We don't have much time, you know.

Bloody thing.

- I'm sorry, I've to go. - What's now?

- Damned alarm! - It's for Scotti's case.

- What about Scotti? - He's clearly out of his mind and I'm not scoring with you, come on.

- It's better to leave things as they are. - What do you mean with "as they are"?

You could have told me before. I'm here now.

That incident with Scotti has upset me, I feel like I'm to blame.

Why do you feel responsible? It wasn't your fault.

But it was.

I've given it a lot of thought.

Scotti would never behave like that...

-...unless he had been provoked. - What? Did you provoke him?

Put yourself in his shoes: he goes to bed with a woman who's very loose,...

...very sensual.

If she suddenly appeared in front of you, what would you do?

But why? Did you sleep with Scotti?

In a certain sense.

- Are you crazy? Sleeping with Scotti? - Not me physically.

- Rosa. - Rosa?

From his point of view.

Who the hell is that Rosa?

I never told anyone in Bellignano, not even you...

Rosa is my twin sister.

We look identical, unfortunately...

...she's very skittish and uninhibited.

She has no sense of responsibility,...

...her behaviour can be often quite embarrassing.

I've tried to explain it all to her but she just doesn't get it.

- Renato... - Yes, my love?

You should go and talk to her.

No, I'm not going.

I'm sure you could find a way...

...to get her to understand the situation.

No, absolutely not.

It might seem easy to you...

What would I'd say to her?

"Listen, your sister Viola sent me round to give you a sermon".

No, no. Not even if you cut off my balls.

Good morning, mr count, my respects. Can I help?

What are you doing here lawyer?

Duties, insolvencies, unsold stock, deadlines...

...consultancies. I do what I have to.

Come this way.

Have you seen? This is a major development, it's all new here...

- I'll show you the way. - I don't understand anything...

You've come here in order to see mrs Rosa.

I'll show you.

Please, go in.

This is Viola.

She's a nice lady.

She's a great girl. Modern...

...and very sportive.

I'll leave you to talk about family in private. May I go?

- I'm the count Renato Altero from Bellignano. - You're a friend of Raf's.

No, no. I'm here on behalf of your sister Viola.

- Has something happened to her? - No, nothing, I came here...

...to discuss a very delicate matter.

- The usual sermon, I bet. - No, no...

I'll put something on...

...because I don't like to receive people in an inconvenient manner.

Who knows what my sister told you about me?

"Rosa is like this, Rosa is like that". "She falls in love with everyone..."

Does she want me to become a nun? That would be fun.

The last time I saw her she tried to have me committed to a mental asylum.

What do you think? Have you watched well my face? Do I look insane in your opinion?

I say my sister is the crazy one.

She wouldn't be doing that job if she had any sense.

You can look, please. Don't be afraid.

I'm dressed now.

My name's Rosa and I'm longing for love.

Are you Viola's lover, excuse me?

No, no...

Yes.

- I know what Viola needs. - Yes?

A man,...

...a real man...

...like I use to say.

- Sorry but did you want to tell me something? - Yes, you see,...

...well, I respect your sister because she's a fine lady...

...but don't think I...they call me the hammer of this region...

- Funny. - Yes?

Do you want to know what I think of you?

- Yes. - You're really sexy.

I really don't understand Viola.

Do you mind if I get undressed?

When I like a man, I just take him and that's all.

I feel like getting some sun today.

Will you smooth some lotion on my back, please?

Please.

Please.

Don't be so shy, mr count.

Here?

- Lower. - How? Lower?

- Lower. - Yes... Lower.

There.

- I don't like tan lines, they're ugly. - Yes.

Viola...Viola, you didn't need to do this to me.

- Yes, like that. - Good evening.

- Hi, Cicci. - Hello, love.

Relax...

Excuse me.

Buttiglion alerted me of your visit.

- Bortolon. - Precisely, Bercoglion...

So I came up to meet you.

Careful, don't get too much sun. You're playing Snow White tomorrow...

- Snow White? That one white? - Snow White, the white one, Snow White was candid.

- What does he mean, candid? - She must be candid, mr count...

...because she plays Snow White as an artist of comics, didn't you know?

- No, I didn't know. - But how you didn't know that?

Then come back tomorrow at five. I'll wait for you on the set.

Vittorio.

Get a move on.

Excuse me, but aren't you the prince charming?

Cesaroli Vittorio, called "Seven times"...

...ah, seven times...

Don't you wake up Snow White by a kiss?

I don't know about. They just told me to fuck her.

What are you talking about? Fuck? You, being so distinguished...

It's meant to be a fairy tale.

Is this a kid's story or not?

Even the kids are screwing these days, they don't believe in fairy tales as well as many people...

Nowadays, you need to desecrate, demythologise, out with the old patterns, the old taboos...

I'm sorry, mr count. But Snow White, in short...

- Who was she? - She was a princess.

- Yes, but she was shagging with seven dwarfs. - No, no.

- And good thing the prince was a fag! - What did you just say?

- A fag! - You as well!

- What on earth is this? - Here comes our Snow White.

Clear the set, folks. Lights.

It's time to work. We're not in Rome.

You know what I think?

Fabulous.

Hurry up.

- Hey, where are you going? You're blocking the camera. - Sorry, I didn't see that.

Come on, my Snow White. We're making a masterpiece.

Tony, come here. Let's start.

Look at the camera. He's a great photographer.

Get her face...her eyes.

Everything.

It's going to be an amazing and exceptional comic strip.

Where's the queen? The queen, the queen!

This has to be a masterpiece, Tony.

Get some lower shots.

This is perfect. Go on, Tony. Take pictures, come on.

Hold the camera steady. Stop shaking it.

Higher.

What are you doing? Are you going limp?

You've got to leave space for the captions for the intellectual part, so we'll have that too.

Come on girls, don't get distracted. Make it a really good tête à tête, understood?

Keep taking pictures, come on!

Great. Like that.

Stroke her, stroke...stroke...

- Hey, you're touching me! - Lower...perfect! Great, great!

- Bring out the dwarfs. - Not these dwarves, little fuckers, go away!

What is all this? You, dwarfs, get out of here.

I won't allow this to go on. You must stop this filthy...

-...and depraved activity. - Very good, mr count...

Who's going to tell the editor now?

- You? - Sure, you don't scare me.

- Whatever it costs. - But it won't be cheap.

Okay, we'll see.

Look, I lost a lot of money over this...

I only charged you for my expenses.

Do you know how much money I would've made out of it?

At least 50 millions.

I would've sold it all around the world. It's amateur stuff, believe me...

For private sales the price is different, you know.

Listen...

Do you know what I'm going to do with all this great stuff?

Do you like fire? I'm going to burn it.

- No! - Yes, yes, a nice big flame.

- You're destroying a masterpiece. - It had a cultural significance, mr count.

Listen, Raffaele. May I tell you what I think?

Cultural my ass! This is trash, it's shit...

...and mrs Orlando will not be continuing in this line of work, my dear.

We will take care of all her necessities.

Is that clear? And no scandals.

Dear God, no scandals!

- Mr count? - There's more?

You lost your underwear.

No scandals.

Let's start the criminal proceedings versus Beato Onorini...

...as a filmmaker,...

...absent from this courtroom for a certified sick leave,...

...charged with a crime of pornographic publishing...

Defended by?

Lawyer Magni, from the bar of Milan.

Go on, chancellor.

...there're the essential elements of a crime whose according to the articles... - Lawyer Magni!

...528 and 529 of the penal code because the above mentioned Beato Onorini...

...has produced a movie called "A gold tongue into a deep throat"...

...where pornography is evident thanks to exhibit...

...of male and female genital organs,...

...scenes of so...so...

...sodomy, sodomy.

Sodomy.

The detailed charges directed towards my client require a lengthy discussion...

We've heard all this talk about spectacular obscenities...

...about fellatio or sodomy,... about moral outrage...

But can I ask you what is morality?

What does common sense of decency mean?

Where does this model of human behaviour come from...

...which we must all follow?

From the people who administer justice? Our very own judges?

We are all here to defend our rightful positions...

...even if, sometimes, they are conflicting.

But I'm certain this time we'll all agree,...

...most illustrious mrs magistrate,...

...about your positions.

Now I'm telling you the Snow White's fairy tale.

Please have a look at this. Thank you.

- This isn't for the ladies. - Why not?

What's so indecent about it?

Excuse me. Here's one for you.

No, not you. Take it.

What? What is all this?

The lady magistrate?

Look what a hot chick!

This is a comic book, mrs magistrate...

-...I purchased yesterday in Milan. - Pardon?

I purchased it yesterday in Mlan.

The contents...

First position.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."

"...who's the best kisser in the world?"

- "The prince or the queen?" - Lawyer! I won't allow this.

Turn it around.

What are you doing? Turn around.

May I continue, mrs magistrate?

Second position.

"Dopey, Sleepy and Doc arrive..."

...who can make your a...busted!"

- So....so... - Sodomy.

- The lady magistrate? - Turn it around.

Change it.

It's not over yet. Third position.

"Doc, you look like a drill...

...what a nice job to be a anteater!". Turn it around!

Lawyer, I order you to put away these obscenities!

Silence...

...or I'll have them clear the room.

Calm down, folks. Please.

And now...

...I ask you, mrs magistrate...

...we all, we all ask...

Who is Snow White?

- Excellency, mrs doctor Orlando. - Fine, let her come in.

Goodbye Eminence, goodbye.

Dear mrs doctor Orlando...

...what a surprise, please take a seat.

Well, my dear?

- How are things in Bellignano? - Very bad, mr attorney.

- Very bad? - That's why I'm here...

- I came here to present my resignation. - Your resignation?

But why? What reason do you have?

Read this.

"Snow White and the seven dwarfs"

I'm guessing there might be a handsome prince charming involved?

Look closely at the cover, please.

You'll understand when you see it.

Perhaps you won't be surprised about my request now.

My dear girl...

No, no, look... this doesn't have to deceive you...

I'm not me in the photographs.

It's my sister, Rosa.

We're twins, identical as well as two drops of water.

Are you exactly...

-...identical completely? - Only physically.

Right.

Physically.

Exactly the same.

Our childhoods were very different....

I lived with my mother and father, while she...

...left home when she was still very young.

There was nothing we could do. So...

I tried not to abandon her...

...to bring her back, but...

Attorney?

Sir attorney?

Yes...go on.

- I'm all ears. - I hope you will...

...understand my embarrassment and accept my decision.

Please communicate my resignation...

-...to the mr Minister. - There won't be any resignation, damn!

Don't speak of it. I told you already...

A judge like you is irreplaceable.

- Thank you, but... - No objections, dear Snow White.

Sorry, mrs doctor Orlando... as if things weren't bad enough...

Rather...

...ask this cursed sister of yours to come to Bellignano...

...so everybody will see.

You see...if you ask me,...

...on closer inspection, this girl has something good about her, that's obvious.

I could talk to her personally...

...I could convince her.

I'm not so sure it will be as easy as you think.

You have to try in these cases, my dear.

We must always keep trying. Besides, if you'll permit me...

...I'd have got more influence than one dwarf.

Don't you think so?

Thanks.

Viola, what are you doing with that suitcase?

- No, I'm Rosa, don't you recognize me, Renato? - Rosa...

What are you doing here?

I came to Bellignano...

...because I don't know what else to do. I did really a very stupid thing, true?

Come on, get in.

- Thank you. - No, leave it.

Thanks.

- Where can I take you? - To my sister's house.

I wasn't my fault, I assure you...

...I would never do something like that. I swear.

Forget about it.

It's better to forget that.

By the way, what happened to that friend of yours?

I left him.

- Good. - We couldn't go on like that.

I...

I met another man...

- Good. -...and I fell madly in love with him.

- Good. - He's fantastic...marvellous...

One reason I came to Bellignano....

-...was to be closer to him. - Someone from Bellignano, eh?

Who could it be?

Well, I thought you should know...

Why? Should I know him?

I see...

My dearest...

Rosa.

Rosa, where are you going?

Why don't you come back?

We can continue...the discussion at least...Rosa?

That's like a suicide! It's a destiny I'm always not scoring with her, damn!

Come in.

- My respects, mrs Orlando, may I? - Thanks.

- What's this? - A grace from God, mrs doctor...

...it comes from the tribunal in Padua, these documents are the...

-...verdict of divorce for count Altero. - Why do you bring it to me?

- It's not of my responsibility. - But I thought this particular case....

What particular case? All cases are the same to me.

- Serve the concerned person this act, please. - Okay, as you wish.

You have me at your disposal, as you wish.

One moment.

Hello? This is mrs doctor Orlando. It's you chancellor, tell me?

Yes, excellent. Thank you very much.

I'll pass by the court house later. Yes, yes, for the signature, thank you.

Hi, Rosa.

- Hi. - Is Viola around?

No, she's not at home. Would you like to wait?

- I'm glad I found you instead of Viola. - Why?

Well...because...

...because I need to talk to her...

-...about a very delicate matter. - Such as?

Now my divorce has come through, I think Viola...

...might be waiting for me to marry her?

If I were her I'd expect the same thing.

Or not?

And really you, just you are telling me these things? You, who made me think...

...first in Milan, now here in Bellignano...

...I don't understand anything anymore...

...I don't even see inside myself clearly.

- No, no, it's all very clear, very clear. - So it's true?

Tell me it's true.

Look, Rosa. I'm prepared...

...to put the past behind. If you'd only tell me...

What?

How come you don't get it?

Tell me it's true, you told me before. You made me believe.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

I don't do these things with my sister's boyfriend.

Thus you didn't come to Bellignano for me.

You'll never change. You and your good intentions...

You're just the usual whore.

"But I'm to going to shag you!" No, I won't give you that satisfaction.

Viola.

I thought you were still out.

- What are you up to? - I'm throwing out this rubbish...

These aren't the clothes of a dignified person.

By the way, you can keep the red knickers...

...they fit you perfectly.

Bye.

- Have you seen the lawyer Bortolon? - Yes, he's at that table. - Thank you.

Whose's this thigh? It's mine.

What are you doing here? Are you insane?

If they find you out, everything's going to hell. The lady magistrate is starting to suspect too.

Do you know what can I do to her?

You know know what I'll do to her? I'll eat her.

I'll start with her thighs.

- Mind you don't strangle yourself. - I want to stuff myself, lawyer.

I understood, I understood.

Lawyer...

- Did you bring the stuff? - Yes.

Here.

Anonymous letter and envelope... what do they make?

An anonymous shafting.

Start writing. Waiter.

Yes, sir.

What are you waiting for? Take it away.

As you wish, sir.

Concentrate.

Okay, write...

Very distinguished...

...very distinguished lawyer Lo Presti...

...you saw correctly:...

...that dirty lady magistrate is Snow White.

Clear, direct, precise.

We'll get twenty years if they catch us.

- Don't break my concentration, Forfolon. - Bortolon.

If you go to church tomorrow, father Anz...

-...Viola's confessor priest, can illuminate you more. - Who is this father Anz?

- That's my concern, go ahead, Brontolon. - Bortolon.

We have attached a receipt for the payment made by count Renato Altero,...

...the lady magistrate's notorious lover,...

...paid as a ransom in return for the Snow White's despicable comics.

This is irrefutable proof of her guilt.

...guilt.

What are you doing? Signing an anonymous letter?

I was confused. I'm not familiar with these things.

It's very simple, Piramidon: Lo Presti receives the letter...

...then he goes to church and father Anz confirms everything.

That asshole swallows the bait for sure. Rosa will be at the court house...

...pretending to be Viola. As soon as he arrives...

...Rosa will seduce him and we'll take some photos...

...which we'll send to two different places,...

...one to the attorney and the other to count Renato Altero.

This way, the lady magistrate will be forced to resign, so we'll destroy her career and her relationship in one shot.

- How much my idea is worth? - 20 years.

- There. - Lo Presti's coming.

Quick, quick.

Flesh is an instrument the devil uses...

...to take freedom away from us, ya!

...you'll do penance reciting three Lord's prayer, ave Marias and glories...

...and you'll make a pilgrimage to Lourdes...by foot!

- Thank you, father Anz. - Go, Viola.

It's a sin which we cannot do without, luckily there's penitence.

Forgive me.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Okay, I've done that.

This is a case of conscience, father, fa-father.

I received an anonymous letter. The worst thing is that it wasn't even signed...

...and I pride myself on submitting it to you.

- Have you got it? - Go back, Satan!

Ya, ya. The anonymous letter isn't important...

- An anonymous letter is a sin! - What do you mean with "not important"?

That letter says the lady magistrate is...

...Snow White.

There are twenty thousand souls in Bellignano at great risk.

If you'd like to...

-...you know, you're the one she confessed to. - I understand, I understand.

- This is a serious case. [play on words caso=case and cazzo=dick] - What did you say, excuse me?

- My case, a case of conscience. ["Cazo mio" Italian Germanly spoken=it's my fucking business] - Ah, well, a case of conscience.

I'm tied by the rules of confession, but I can say something in confidence, my friend...

The magistrate is...

...big...

That's what I always said.

...woman...God.

...incredible positions...

That's what I always said.

My God.

And then?

And then?

And then? And then?

Father, you can't leave me like this.

I can't say anymore.

All I can say is that she behaves like this...

...because she's a woman who loves her neighbour...

...and I think you will be her next neighbour.

If you don't believe what I say...

...you can go and see for yourself, ya...

...to get right to the end of this thing.

Believe me, mr attorney, it's the first time a judge in Bellignano has received an anonymous threat.

We have to acknowledge that here in Bellignano, as an exception,...

...these things hadn't happened here before, until now.

But returning to this evidence they might have...

-...which facts are they alluding to? - I don't know, I didn't understand it.

It's my belief that the only way we can get to the bottom of this sordid affair...

...consists of trying to understand, to investigate.

You have all the resources necessary, my dear, to avoid a scandal...

...which could seriously damage our reputation.

Please come in.

I asked you to come here at this hour because the court house is empty.

Have a seat please.

Seeing that this is the first opportunity we've had...

...to talk calmly...

How do you say? Intimately?

I confess our friendship is very close to my heart...

...and who else could I turn to in such a difficult...

...situation?

- Are we alone? - Alone.

May I add that I have no intention of hiding anything from you...

...you might think it's strange that I have turned to you...

As you know, I don't have...

...a convincing argument so I need someone who can understand me.

Unless, of course, the thing disgusts you...

- Me? - Yes, because...

...you must be very firm.

The button.

- Do you love justice? - What? I do revere it!

Holy shit!

They're making a 48 [a mess].

What 48, lawyer! They're almost up to 70.

I've just received them into an anonymous letter.

I called you right away...

...because this time the accusation is quite clear.

Right...they look like irrefutable evidences.

The events takes place in my office...

...it's clearly me in the picture.

You have every right to think it's me, true?

- But... - But?

If you'll permit me, doctor. I want to show you something.

My alibi is right here in this photo.

Have an accurate look at it.

- Have you watched it in details? - Yes, I believe so.

- I've looked at it more than once. - And didn't any detail escape you?

Nothing...well, at least I think.

What have you seen?

I've seen what there is to see.

So please tell me everything you see.

Yes...

I see a man on his knees in the middle of an act...well, in front of woman...

...naked who pushs him toward the lower part of her body.

- And higher up? - Higher up...

- What do you mean with "higher up"? - Higher up, higher up!

Higher up, I see the man's head...

...resting on the woman's belly.

But, but...in short, where do you want me to go?

- Here. - Ah, there.

I don't understand.

- What do you see there? - That clock,...

...which has been in my office for over three years and it works perfectly.

Mr attorney, the clock in this photo...

...shows the date as the 28th of July, Sunday, 10:42.

On that day, at that time, I was in this office with you.

- Do you remember? - Yes, you're right.

Three days ago.

So who is she?

Your sister Rosa again?

That's enough, I'm not an idiot. Get that into your head, that's enough, enough!

- Let me explain. - What are you going to explain?

That she's your sister once again? It's not you? Sure, I understood it!

You don't think I slept with Lo Presti? That's absurd.

- Look, I know it's absurd. - That's what you say.

Okay, she's not your sister, it's the other one, and we'll just forget it.

I can't go on like this. It's one scandal after another.

Everybody has understood everything. It's making me look like a fool.

Like a cuckold, rather, yeah.

Between you and your sister, this is all too much.

Don't worry, we'll find a solution.

Look, Viola. I love you.

I love you, I don't love Rosa.

It's just that you're both so terribly alike, I don't understand, it's an absolute madness!

In short, Viola, maybe it's better we...

...leave each other, quietly.

We'll put on a bold face on it, say goodbye. We'll keep the good memories...

...of us living together. We'll do it like civil and honest people.

Just leave as you are now, don't put up any resistance...

...you'll be doing the right thing.

Our relationship is over anyway, we couldn't go on like this...

God damn it. Why did she have to leave right now?

Without even saying...

Go to hell, Viola! You, the court house...

...and Bellignano!

Damn it!

Bortolon.

Bortolon.

Bortolon.

Bortolon.

- Are you talking to me? - Have you gone deaf?

- No, but you called me Bortolon... - I guess I got it wrong.

Look at him.

The lady magistrate has destroyed him, poor man, he's beaten like a zabaglione.

But this isn't our problem. Do you know who I met earlier?

The mr attorney, in person.

He had to come all the way to Bellignano. You should've seen his face.

The lady magistrate has got two options: either they fire her or she's get a transfer.

If this doesn't take too long I might make it back to Milan tonight.

What do you mean with "long"? It should only take a moment.

- She's leaving. - Let's hope so.

What do you mean "hope"? This is Bortolon saying this.

Our case will be delayed...

...until the replacement magistrate arrives.

So at least two years will pass away.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Come on, engineer...

Look how sad and desperate the chancellor is.

I bet...

...10.000 lire they're going to announce her dismissal.

I accept.

- Court is in session. - Let us start...

...the trial versus Esposito Raffaele.

We begin the trial versus Esposito Raffaele.

- You won. - I've lost.

- You won my 10.000 lire. - Yes, but I've lost the trial.

For the moment...

...because I'll save you with my closing address.

My very esteemed friend, in two hours...

...you can go back to Milan.

Sure, I'm going to Milan... but to San Vittore's prison...

- Don't worry, you can appeal. - Sure, there will be a rollcall... [in Italian appello=appeal and rollcall]

...every morning for six years, and I'll have to say "Here".

I swear to God, as soon as I'm out I'll kick your ass heavily!

- Hi, Renato. - Rosa.

- Moving again? - I was waiting just for you.

Viola won't have me back after all that's happened.

You were waiting just for me, eh?

I don't know where to go...

Could you put me up for a few days, please?

- Okay, let's go. - Thanks.

- Leave it. - Thank you.

Thanks again.

It cannot be said...

...you're a very open-minded person.

However, I thought...

- The fact is... - The fact is...

...you're still madly in love with Viola.

- Yes... No... - Don't worry, I'm not jealous.

Even if she's my sister.

- Come. - Where? - Come.

You won't let me not score for that?

No, look... that's the bedroom there.

Precisely.

How did she know it?

Let's be reasonable.

- I feel embarrassed without my glasses. - Quiet.

I want to do an experiment.

Look, the chickens are waiting for me.

I must go to the roost.

No...think of your sister.

No, no violence, no violence.

Where are you going?

To bed?

Right...to bed.

Holy cow.

Go slowly, Rosa.

Rosa?

Are you serious? Damn!

Rosa...

Anything else than...

...Viola!

How beautiful.

Listen, Rosa...

What is it, Renato?

It was a real moment...

-...of madness, really. - Yes, it was wonderful.

Kidnap me, Renato.

Take me somewhere nice, where nobody will recognize us.

- Do you agree? - I agree.

Right now I feel like I could even take you to Udine.

I feel great being with you.

What a fool I've been.

I thought you could only sleep with someone if you were really in love...

...when you get along and you both share the same ideas, the same tastes...

- ...like Viola and me, for example. - What's Viola got to do with it?

- You're still thinking of her. - Yes...

I don't think I'll ever forget her.

We had something special between us. I can't explain it...

If only I had been a bit less distracted, less nervous...

The few times we did sleep together...

...it felt like being in the court house.

She even wore her gown when we made love, it's true.

If you ask me...

...she wasn't wrong at all.

It was you who were too respectful of her.

Yes...

Perhaps you're right.

Nevertheless...

...I'm still in love with Viola.

But I wouldn't have the courage to tell her by now.

- Hello? - Hello...

- Mr attorney? - It's me.

- I'm the magistrate from Bellignano. - What happened?

I'm sorry to disturb at this hour but I have an urgent message for you...

...I would like to officially inform you...

-...that I intend to resign from the Bench. - Have you gone mad?

No, no. I'm getting married.

And, as to the charges versus me...

-...with reference to articles 527 and the following ones... - What are you saying? - Viola!

-...of the penal code... - Viola...

...for committing acts violating the common sense of decency,...

...violating the common sense of decency,...

...yeah, yeah...they just violate the common sense of decency...ah....

My new condition will allow me to violate it...

-...without prejudices... - I think you're getting...

...disheartened. You can't give up your career this way.

Lady, lady Viola?

Do you feel ill?