All language subtitles for Ilana.Glazer.The.Planet.Is.Burning.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG.EN

[cheering]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to thePlanet is Burning Tour.

And without further ado,
it's time to give it up

for the person we love,
the person we all adore,

put your hands togetherright now for Ilana Glazer.

[music - rihanna, "sex with me"]

Sex with me so amazing.

All this hard work, no vacation.

Stay up off my Instagram,pure temptation.

Hit a switch on a fake
nigga like a station.

Sex with me so amazing.

Sex with me so amazing.

Vodka and a water, and a lemon.

And a few other things
I cannot mention.

Five fingers on
it, five fingers.

Hit it like you own it,
hit it like I'm on it.

Straight shots of the blue dot,shots shots shots shots, baby.

I'ma pick your poison.

Ooh-ee, yeah, yeah.

I'm off that la-la.

I'ma get it wet like Jacuzzi.

And sex with me so amazing.

All this hard work, no vacation.

What the fuck is up, Houston?

[cheering]

Thank you so much.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

[inaudible]

So good to see you.

Thank you so much
for being here.

I believe y'all know me asIlana Wexler from "Broad City."

You love it.

I love "Broad City."

It's my favorite TV show ever.

Duh.

And I love Ilana Wexler.

But I am really excited tointroduce you to Ilana Glazer

the stand up this evening.

Because there are a lot ofdifferences between Ilana

Wexler and Ilana Glazer.

You're going to be shockedas well as impressed.

Like for example, Ilana Wexlerobviously wakes and bakes.

OK.

Hey.

You know, she wakes
up with a bowl

betwixt her breasts
from the night before.

And she gives it
the old one-handed

[breathing] oh, yeah.

Ilana Glazer, on the other hand,wakes up, takes her vitamins,

and then I get high.

So Ilana Wexler wake and
bake, Ilana Glazer wake,

take, and bake.

Ilana Wexler is free to buyher weed wherever the fuck.

In the street, in a
little building nook,

biking over the ManhattanBridge in one swift move.

I'll Venmo you later!

In my real life, though, Ihave my husband buy our weed

from a New York
delivery service,

while I hide in the closetscrolling Instagram.

I know.

It sounds so 1950s.

Like, I have my
husband buy our weed.

While I hide in the closet.

I just don't want people
knowing where I live.

And listen, it's notlike I'm like, so famous.

It's just that New
York weed delivery

people make up 80% of my demo.

And the other 20%
is here tonight.

Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Tejas, I am so
excited to be here.

So the government is on fire.

And so is the planet.

The planet is on fucking fire.

And the mean dinosaurs inoffice just don't seem to mind.

No.

I think they want us to die,because they're about to die.

That is the ultimate FOMO.

One thing that gives me hope isthe gender-nonconforming youth.

I think it is amazing.

I find it just incredible tosee these young people have the

agency to say I am non-binary.

I don't have that
kind of agency.

And I literally have agents.

It makes me so
hopeful that maybe,

just maybe, the end of babyboomer culture is nigh.

Oh.

Because we have been fed thecrappiest, most boring script.

The script that says that wecan only play one of two parts.

And that is either that of amasculine man, I don't know.

Gun show or whatever.

Or we can play, a, oh, yeah,frickin' feminine woman, oh.

Oh.

It hurts.

It really hurts.

Wobbling on these tiny
little Betty Boop feet.

I can barely balance my
big Betty Boop boobs.

Before a tour, I went to
dinner with my friend,

who is a gold star lesbian.

Now, as a Jewish
person, I am not usually

a big fan of gold stars.

But this one I like.

This one I like.

A gold star gay girl is a girlwho likes ladies, has always

known she liked ladies, and hasnot so much as sniffed a dick.

I admire it.

And she and I just
have a similar vibe.

So I asked her, what percentagefemale to male do you feel?

And she thought about
it for a second.

She was like, I guess
I would say, 60% to 70%

female, and 30% to 40% male.

And I was like,
Ro, me too, dude.

You took the answer
right out of my mouth.

That's exactly the ratio
I was just going to say.

Like, I feel like a little girl.

OK?

I feel like a woman.

OK.

I have like, big titties, durr.

But also, I feel like alittle like, frickin' dude.

You know what I mean?

Like a--

I mean, I partiallyidentify with Mr. Peanut.

I'm like, [singing] who wantssome salty-ass nuts, huh?

Whoo.

[singing]

Sweetheart, you'relooking good, sweetheart.

I love that dress on you, honey.

And for my sexuality,
if I were a drink,

I'd be one part gay,
and two parts straight.

Thank you.

You do what you want
with your hands.

You know, no pressure.

It's just whatever you want.

Cool.

No presh.

I'm not waiting.

You know, I'm just notdesperate for your approval.

But one part gay and
two part straight.

OK?

So.

You might call that
drink a ginatondick.

Or like, at a differentbar, with a different vibe,

a both sexes on the beach.

I have one more.

OK.

Instead of a
Martini, a muffpeeny.

Oh.

Extra nerdy, baby.

Yeah.

OK.

So.

As a gold star lesbian,
and as a ginatondick,

we're not supposed
to feel the same.

But we do.

We like feel that same thing.

And I remembered, oh, yeah.

The whole thing's a sham.

It's a total lie.

You know, like, straight guys?

Straight guys are supposedto be whoa, the most

masculine people in the world.

And I'm talking realpussy-loving straight dudes,

OK?

Not guys who like,resentfully fuck their wives

and then run to work and createpolicy against women's bodies.

Those guys are gay?

I have no idea.

I don't know what's
going on there.

What's the diagnosis?

You know, I don't know.

But you know whatstraight guys like to do?

Straight guys love to be
enveloped in the warmth

and wetness of a woman.

Straight guys love to
run home and giggle with

and share secrets with a girl.

It's very gay.

And straight women, or
women who love dick--

so women who love dick, we'renot even supposed to love it.

We are supposed to
merely accept it.

That would suck.

No, I feel really like,dudely when I'm with a dude.

I mean, honestly, when I havea dick anywhere inside of me--

technically, and I want tobe technical about it now--

AUDIENCE: Oh my God.

I have a dick.

I am part penis at that point.

It's crazy.

It feels wild to be a womanattracted to men, you know?

If this superior design,
a little dick and balls,

you know, what?

You know how I feel about balls?

They make me go--

oh.

Little cuties.

Love 'em.

Because dicks don't
gotta say nothing.

But balls have to have
all the personality.

Gay men-- growing up, Iremember gay men are like women.

Hm.

Have you ever watched
two dudes fuck?

It's not so much a female thing.

There's not a titty to
be sucked, you know?

It's not a clit
to be rubbed, OK?

There's two dicks
in that situation,

and presumably, four balls.

And man.

Homophobia is the
lamest, most transparent

form of hate I can think of.

When someone's homophobic,they're just admitting,

they think about gay
shit all the time.

Homophobia is like whensomeone farts and immediately

blames it on someone else.

But we all know
that he who smelt it

is curious about hooking
up with another dude.

And that is fine.

It's healthy.

Oh, yes.

OK.

Y'all know Lil
Wayne's "Lollipop?"

OK.

So like, I don't mean to
disparage my future very

close friend, OK?

I just think he would digme, you know what I mean?

We'd like, see eye to eye.

Because I believe we
are the same height.

Which means we could easilyfuck standing up, just saying,

any way.

Any old way.

I got to tell you,
this is how "Lollipop"

begins on Tha Carter III.

[boop sounds] No homo.

Huh?

Yeah.

No homo?

Uh-- I didn't say homo.

Yeah, no, I didn't bringup the concept of one man

choking on another man's cock.

You did.

And then you wrote
poetry about it.

Gay women, there is no joke.

They won.

They beat the simulation.

It's two out of two,superior, complex partners.

They did it.

Any menial task a lesbianneeds for me, I do.

I'm like, you need me
to move this table?

I got it.

I got it.

I put dicks in my mouth.

We don't-- No.

Stop.

I got it.

I have to admit.

I have a cis male partner.

Ew.

Just kidding.

He's wonderful.

I fucking love him.

Oh, love him.

Love him.

He holds the key to my heart.

I do this on him.

I put my butt up on him.

I'm just like, hey.

I'm like a dog.

Butt up on him.

Love him.

Delish.

But there's something
I can't get used

to about being married
to this person,

and that is the word husband.

I'm like, hey, nice to meet you.

This is my husband.

[laughter]

Maybe husband.

No.

He is my husband.

I just-- no.

Sorry.

Nothing.

And I'm a wife?

What?

I don't think so.

Really?

You sure?

Husband just sounds
like WASP drag

coming out of this Jewy mouth.

I'm like, oh, my husband, mmhm.

Yes, my husband and I, wetook a little ride upstate

to Bedford to review
some property,

but nothing quite suited us.

No.

Oh, don't worry.

We'll find something.

And of course, there's
always the estate.

So.

Husband also sounds like,I really need my husband

to please sign
this paperwork so I

can finally get a credit card.

So I prefer the term partner.

But we are both Jewish.

So people mistake us for
lawyers all the time.

My partner is the firstpussy-loving straight dude

that I ever lived
with, um, after my dad.

Our parents have
sexualities too.

Yeah.

I lived with my best friend,Matt, who's a gay dude,

for like 10 years before Imoved in with my partner.

And obviously, it was perfect.

And then when I moved inwith my husband I was like,

is this even going
to be fun, even?

I felt so claustrophobic.

I was like, and where
am I supposed to cry?

I was hiding in
the bathroom like--

no, no, I'm just--

taking a very long,
very painful dump.

Oh.

And now I'm just, um, cleaningup the disastrous mess.

But then it started.

We found a groove.

Thank God.

Honestly, it took like sixmonths, but something clicked.

And it just became a
sleepover with my best

friend where our parents
were never coming home.

Houston, please do not tellmy feminist friends this, OK?

But I enjoy making
a house a home.

I love it.

I love like, setting avibe, you know what I mean?

I like, light a little candle.

I'm like, whoo.

Yes.

I pick up a dust
bunny, throw it out.

Taking care of business.

Yeah.

Light some incense, I'm like,mm, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe,

vibe.

It's a bit too aromatic.

So I'm just like,
OK, perfect balance.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm like, peeling a carrotover the garbage can.

I'm like, I'm a wife.

[laughter]

I peel it into a nub and
have to throw it out.

Oof.

I'm not a chef.

But one of my favorite thingsabout living with this man

is that his razors are in theshower waiting for me to use.

Damn.

Men's razors are superiorto women's razors.

It's almost like it
was designed that way.

No.

They wouldn't do that.

Hm.

Yeah.

Men's razors are just
excellent quality.

The metal is like
military-grade.

Women's razors are so flimsy.

The slightest breeze
sends them flying

off the shelf of the shower.

And someone decided aboutsix, seven years ago,

to line the perimeter of women'srazors with soap and rubber.

Houston, let me
ask you something.

Be real with me.

Do I look too dumb
to lather my own leg?

OK.

Let me ask you another thing.

After one shower, doesn't thesoap become the texture of cum?

I'm getting in the showerto rub cum all over my legs?

Why do you think I got inhere in the first place?

And the rubber on women's razorsprotrudes past the blade, such

that I'm press, press,
pressing down to get

to the base of the follicle.

Like, can I let
you know if I want

to bowl with bumpers today?

Jesus.

And the area that men
are expected to shave.

This.

The, um-- the saddle.

The saddle is like 12
to 15 square inches max.

Compared to all
this surface area?

Come on.

It takes me like 40 minutesto shave my legs proper.

I could have watched twoepisodes of "Broad City."

Oh, man.

I have a disgusting
little fantasy

I'm going to share with you.

The fantasy is that I pay a manto shave my legs for me weekly.

Well, here's how it goes, OK?

So I set a standing
appointment on Fridays.

I do it around 1:30, so I'malways taking a half day.

I'mma let you guys know I havethat personal appointment.

I gotta go.

Yeah.

Email me or text me.

I'll see you on Monday.

And I go right into themost progressive barbershop

in Brooklyn.

I'm like, ding a ling a ling.

Mario, hi.

Mwah.

Mwah.

We have like a cute-ass
rapport by this point.

And I hike up my
little dress and I

sit in his barber chair likeMork from "Mork and Mindy."

OK.

So like, Mario, is
not like, skimping

out on me because I'm a woman.

You know?

He's not like, giving me shittyservice because it's my legs.

He totally cares.

He's an artisan, OK?

He puts hot towels on mylegs, opening up the pores,

steaming beach towels, y'all.

And Mario freehands a straightrazor, ankle to damn pussy,

all right?

He stops right at the crease,because he is a professional.

So women's razors are trash.

We've decided.

It's been decided.

But there are some productsfor women that I appreciate.

One of those products
is a diva cup.

So a diva cup is areusable period receptacle.

It is a little rubber cup.

But it doesn't
have a flat bottom.

The silhouette is that ofa long titty bent over.

It comes to a long, soft point.

And the way you use it
is that you bend the cup

and fold it like a tiny
little piece of pizza.

And you put it at the
base of your vagina.

And you go--

[breathing]

And you wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

You relax and receive.

You do not block, OK?

And once it's up far
enough, it goes--

[pop]

Out to its original shape.

And--

[pop]

Suctions to the cervix.

And bitch, I promise you.

Your uterine lining is slipslide dancing all the way down.

Splashing about.

And the way you use
it throughout the day

is that you find yourself asingle occupancy bathroom.

Can't stress that enough.

Learn from my mistakes, OK?

And you pull your pants down.

And you bear down justenough to give a slow birth

to a little rubber cup.

But not enough to poop.

So you grab it.

And then you go, oh my God.

What?

And you waddle up to the sink.

And you dump it.

And you go--

[shuddering noises]

Whoa.

And you rinse and repeat.

Simple.

I am ashamed to admit this.

But for the first fewmonths of using my diva cup,

I would use it only at home.

And my husband would
put it in for me.

He's that kind of dude.

He's that kind of man.

Loves pussy, I guess, too.

That doesn't hurt.

He was like, baby, chill.

Chill.

Relax and receive,
baby, ow, my shoulder.

I was like, oh, fuck.

I don't know about this, man.

Shit.
Stop.

Stop.
No.

Go.
Just keep going.

Sorry.Oh, where's it going to go?

Oh.

Where did I think
it was going to go?

[wet sounds]

It's gone.

We're not able to relocate the--

we've lost, um-- an hour
later, I'm like, see?

You see?

What a fucking baby I was.

I needed my daddy to put mylittle diva cup in for me.

Even though it's so intense, Iprefer a diva cup to a tampon.

Tampons hurt.

Cotton is so dry.

That's like, its whole thing.

And I'm going to put that inmy delicious, juicy pussy?

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

I've never taken a tamponout without going--

ow.

And the thing we
all know about pads

is that they're very insulting.

Do I look like a baby
in a diapie to you?

Is that what I look like?

A frustrated infant
sitting in my stuff?

It's not like pads work.

You know what I mean?

There's no like, pad technologythat whisks away the--

no.
No.

It just sits there.

Magnetic force pulls the stuff--

nope.

It just sits there.

My last ditch effort with pads,as though I owed them anything,

were to make them
my overnight plan.

So I would find my most
stretched out, faded,

holey, stained pair of
underwear, balled up

in the corner of the
closet from last month,

slap a fattie on that thang.

And just in case, I wouldlay a towel down, like I'm

a dog coming in from the rain.

And I'm like, this is good.

This is going to be good.

All taken care of.

Until a trickle, trickle,trickle is just leaking

out the side, all night.

Leaking out the
side onto my thigh.

All night.

Because remember,
it doesn't work.

Meanwhile, the weight
of my top thigh

is crush, crush,
crushing the pad,

such that the sticky
is sticking to itself.

And it gets stuck righthere, in the barber's crease.

Like, hey, are we testing
these products for you?

Are these to market yet, or?

So.

Suffice it to say, that'swhy I prefer a diva cup.

There's something that doesn'tfeel totally cohesive about it

to me.

And that's that I can't thinkof an action, nor a product,

that is less diva-like.

You know, I can't
picture J-Lo like,

bending and folding
and searching

for a single occupancy bathroom.

Please, it's an emergency.

Please, please.

Mariah Carey is like,
clutching her diva cup,

waddling in stripper
heels to the sink.

No.

Celine Dion's bearing downjust the right amount.

She's like,

[singing impression]

Oh, shit.

It happens.

My mom told me that padsused to have belts on them.

A pad and then a belt?

Yeah.

I am grateful to
be a woman in 2019.

It is the best it's been yet.

Oh.

Bummer.

No, we're really
grateful to be here.

Thank you, [SILLY VOICE]
so much for having us,

I'm so happy to be here!

Thank you, thank you
so much for having us!

Oh, no.

Forget the thing I said before.

It's a good time to be
a Jewish woman in 2019.

Except that the Nazis
are making a comeback.

Nazis are so annoying.

They're so pesky.

But the Nazis in this
country, I don't know,

they're no Hitler's Nazis.

And I know.

I grew up studying theHolocaust in Hebrew school.

Against my will.

They were real intense about it.

They showed us a lot
of stuff real young.

Footage of the
trains, and pictures

of the mountains of glassesand piles of dead people's

shoes and dead bodies.

They were like, never forget.

I was like, I can't.

I'm six.

It was fear mongering
up in my shul.

Dudes, you are not going
to believe this story

I'm about to tell you.

Get ready, dawgs.

Fuck.

OK.

In Hebrew school, we did
a weeks-long simulation

of escaping the Holocaust totry to get to the New World.

Yeah.

As a kid I LARPed the Holocaust.

Swear to God.

Swear to her.

My parents paid good moneyfor me to do Holocaust play.

I guess there wasn't enoughreal, imminent danger for

Jewish children in Long Island.

So we got to create it.

Huh?

Yeah.

The kids who were alreadybar and bat mitzvah'd

got to play the
role of the guards.

And we would trade
pennies and pretzels

to get to the next level.

It was just a series of
dimly lit hallways, OK.

But we end up at a weddingin the Jewish ghetto.

Education.

And we're all like,
[speaking hebrew]..

When suddenly, the lightsstart flashing on and off.

And we hear--
where are the Jews?

And we were like, [screaming].

And I shit you not.

After three minutes of childrenscreaming, the lights turn on,

and my teacher's like--

you thought you'd escape?

Not such luck, my little Jews.

So it's fully psycho.

Yeah, nuts.

What is that?

But also, I'm like, I guessthey kind of had a point?

Because they are
back in a big way.

But the Nazis in our
country are such a mess.

Like, their branding
is very loose.

Like, they don't even havelike, a look, you know?

They have that red hat, but.

They really just
look like a bunch

of golfers who've been sittingin the sun for too long.

And their merch is
from Party City?

I'm like, I could have pickedup a dozen tiki torches.

I'm not impressed by you.

But Hitler's Nazis, if
we're comparing Nazis,

they were on point.

They just had so
much art direction.

Like, brand concept meetingafter brand concept meeting,

after brand concept meeting.

Do you know that theNazi costume was designed

by Hugo Boss of Macy's fame?

Yeah.

And like, I admired Hugo
Boss clothing as a kid?

Like, it was legit.

I'd go to the mall with my mom.

And we would pass the
Hugo Boss display.

And I'd be like,
I don't know, mom.

I feel like a Hugo Bossbutton down would be pretty

cool for the chorus concert.

I just, I mean, they justwere so creative about it.

They were so enthusiastic.

I feel like Hitler's Nazis likedthe production of a Holocaust

more than they even hated Jews.

I think they liked
the buzz, you know?

The meetings.

And they were always
whispering about shit

and creating like a secretcoded language and shit.

And they would write essaysand write whole books and film

and document, and they wouldlike have little clipboards

and run around town like
putting up their flyers.

They're like, yeah,
meeting's tonight.

Be there or be square.

I drew that.
That Jewish rat?

I drew that.
Yeah.

Shading.
Check it out.

Like the Nazis acted
like they hated us.

But I'm like, y'all
were obsessed with us.

The Nazis were totally
gay for the Jews.

Starting off with over theknee patent leather boots.

I'm like, someone's puttingfashion before function, OK?

They're cutting off
their knee mobility

to gestapo around town?

They're like, no,
it's totally worth it.

They look so cool.

I mean, if I were to
gestapo around town,

I'm not cutting off the knee.

I wouldn't even
cut off the ankle.

I would do like
a low rise cleat.

For like gripping
the cobblestones.

And also like, power.

You know?

That walk.

I just, if you were to say tome, Ilana, come at me, bro.

Like a, you fucking hate me.

And b, oh, you're going
to fucking kill me.

I would lead with the
head and shoulders.

I'd give you a fucking
mean fucking look.

I'd be like, I want to
be as ugly as possible.

And, oh shit.

I'm lifting the knees.

Like, I'm coming at you, bitch.

Watch the fuck out.

Not Hitler's Nazis.

No, no.

They preferred a legextension and a leg extension,

and a leg extension,
and a leg extension, oh.

Ice queen all day.

Serving Aryan apathy.

They don't care.

They don't fucking care.

They figured out the gayhaircuts 70 years in advance.

How'd they do that?

Did the Nazis have
a time machine?

Honestly.

They like, time travel to2015 Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

They were like, oh, shit, bitch.

This is it.

Yeah.

Oh.

We're going tight on thesides and long on top, boys.

Let's go.

Oh.

You see how it flows on top andthen stays neat on the sides?

I love that.

You look wunderbar, Rolf.

Oh.

Sometimes I wonder what mighthave happened if there was

some sort of Grindr back then.

Like, maybe we should makesome sort of neo-Nazi Grindr

app tonight.

Although my brother
Elliott tells me

that's kind of what
Grindr is already, so.

Oh.

Yeah.

That hate shows up in themost surprising of spaces.

You know, I grew up thinkingthere were progressive spaces

and then conservative spaces.

But it's all a fucking mess.

Like New York is so liberal.

Mm-mm.

It's fucking racist
and misogynist

and terrifying at times.

Hollywood's so progressive.

OK.

If Hollywood is so progressive,why is Mel Gibson still here?

Get outta here, Mel, come on.

Mel Gibson has said
terrifying things

publicly about black
people, women, Jews.

I'm like, who do you think didyour deal for Daddy's Home 2?

Australians?

Jews, baby.

Jews.

They're up in there,fighting for your back end.

What are you doing?

Mel Gibson was once
recorded calling

his ex-wife a glum cunt for notsucking his dick in a hot tub.

Sweet baby Mel, let
me tell you something.

Melly, Melly G, you can'tsuck a dick underwater.

It doesn't work.

There's no suction.

It's like-- [sounds].

Also, a girl would drown.

Mel Gibson has eight moviesin production this year.

I love that face.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

IMDB.

Shit.

I just won't be seeing
any of them, I guess.

You know, I haven't--

have I ever seen a
Mel Gibson movie?

I hope not.

I haven't seen "Braveheart."

I get it already.

I know what "Braveheart"
is, you know?

Mel Gibson plays like a--

white warrior.

Painted blue.

Wow.

You want to see "Braveheart"?

This is fucking "Braveheart".

[screaming]

You just watched "Braveheart."

That's it.

I just saved you two
hours and 58 minutes.

So humble of them not to
hit the three hour mark.

I just feel like I don'thave to see the classics.

I fucking get it.

They're the patriarchy
reduced to two hours.

I've seen them all.

You know?

I'm like, do I ever have
to see "Casablanca"?

Must I?

I get it already.

"Casablanca" is
like, title card.

And some baseball glove-lookingdude has a much younger,

much hotter girlfriend.

And he's like, here's
looking at you, kid.

Roll credits.

Yikes.

OK, I've seen this one.

I get it.

I've never seen "Star Wars".

Oh.

I get it.

There is a war in the stars.

From my understanding, it isvery soft, very titillating

brother-sister incest porn.

And then they have
the gall to make

the blackest guy in
the galaxy, Darth

Vader, an absentee father.

Yeah.

No thanks.

I've seen this one.

Thanks.

Hard pass.

Yeah.

Maybe we should burn it
down and start fresh.

I'm trying.

You know, I try.

I'm in this industry
of film and TV.

And I have no references beyond"Get Out" and "Hey Arnold."

I'm an idiot.

Really.

I'm a dumb dumb.

I don't know what's up.

So I watched "Rear
Window" recently.

It was fine.

It was interesting.

But there was one thing
I could not get past.

And that was GraceKelly's tiny little voice.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh.

I was like, what, bitch?

Speak up.

Yeah, I can't hear you, bitch.

Louder.

I want to hear
what you're saying.

No, no.

Mm-mm.

This voice was designed.

This voice is perfectlyreceived by the male eardrum.

Never too high.

She's not a shrill bitch.

And never too low.

You know what that means.

It's not that.

Never that.

You could hear the spittleon her wet baby lips.

She sounded as though
a doe was suddenly

given the ability to speak.

And all the women at thistime sounded this way.

You know, like Audrey Hepburn.

And you know, I like,
love Audrey Hepburn too.

Or whatever.

But they sounded
the same exact way.

You know, like,
I guess they went

to like the same finishingschool to learn how

to walk and talk like a lady.

All the consonants
were stretched out.

And the vowels never
quite found their shape.

They always sounded like,oh, everything's wonderful.

Isn't it wonderful?

Everything?

This world that men
have designed for us.

They're very clever, those men.

You have to give them that.

So I recently found outwhy these classic beauties

sounded like this in
these classic films.

And it's because when theywould come in for an audition,

the old Hollywood director wouldjizz right in their mouths.

And if the young starlet werelucky enough to get the part,

she'd have to keep it in hermouth for the whole shoot.

Oh.

Terrible.

Awful.

Imagine that.

A Dixie cup's worth of jizzbeing stored in your cheeks

like chipmunks for upwardsof 40 business days.

No.

Oh, can you picture havingto spit out a load at night

into a shot glass and putit back in before hair

and makeup in the morning?

No.

Terrible.

Oh.

Now I guess we know
why their mouths

are always in that shape.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Finishing school indeed.

Terrible.

Awful.

I am grateful for my
foremothers who came

before me in this industry.

You know, they made it asafer place for me to work in.

And I'm excited.

I'm fucking jazzed
about the momentum

women are gaining right now.

I think we're close, you know.

Me Too and Time's Up.

Women are taking a
giant step forward

in a cute fucking wedge.

And we're close, y'all.

We are so close.

I think we are so close
to taking it back.

We are like, hand on head aboutto wrap this shit up close.

I just hope we can do it beforethe planet bursts into flames.

Thank you, Houston.

Appreciate you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being
at my first special.

[inaudible] forever.

I love you, [inaudible].

[music playing]