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1
00:00:06,664 --> 00:00:07,856
Mmm!
2
00:00:07,857 --> 00:00:09,390
Really, Dad? Another burger?
3
00:00:09,391 --> 00:00:10,425
Whoa!
4
00:00:10,426 --> 00:00:12,361
You gonna take that
from your own kid, Lou?
5
00:00:12,362 --> 00:00:14,529
Come on, fight back.
Make fun of his hands.
6
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:17,132
No, we've just been eating a lot
of burgers together lately.
7
00:00:17,133 --> 00:00:18,900
We formed a club, the Burger Boys.
8
00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,636
Whenever a place has
the balls to advertise
9
00:00:20,637 --> 00:00:22,004
the "Best Burger in Orlando,"
10
00:00:22,005 --> 00:00:24,072
it's the Burger Boys' job
to put it to the test.
11
00:00:24,073 --> 00:00:27,943
It's been a really fun
way to hang out with two of my sons.
12
00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,411
Food is just brain-fuel.
13
00:00:29,412 --> 00:00:31,113
My girlfriend Sicily
makes nutrition bars
14
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,447
so we can focus on what matters...
15
00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,049
Science and holding hands.
16
00:00:34,050 --> 00:00:35,150
You touch her knee yet?
17
00:00:35,151 --> 00:00:36,284
Shut up!
18
00:00:36,285 --> 00:00:37,786
Almost.
19
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:39,788
Thank you for scheduling
this dinner so late.
20
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:42,157
I can't get out of the house
while Maria's awake anymore.
21
00:00:42,158 --> 00:00:43,557
Sure you can. Use the door.
22
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,495
No, she is just so clingy,
23
00:00:46,496 --> 00:00:48,397
she has a tantrum
whenever I leave the room.
24
00:00:48,398 --> 00:00:49,665
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
25
00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:51,033
It's okay, sweetie!
26
00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:52,567
Mommy's right here!
27
00:00:52,568 --> 00:00:54,369
She has a shy bladder, though,
28
00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:56,471
so the more you scream,
the longer this'll take.
29
00:00:56,472 --> 00:00:58,406
Mommy, where are you?
30
00:00:59,275 --> 00:01:01,410
Honey, you have to start ignoring her.
31
00:01:01,411 --> 00:01:03,779
Teach her that she doesn't
get attention by yelling.
32
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:06,381
She only gets it through hard
work and academic achievement.
33
00:01:06,382 --> 00:01:07,549
That worked with your boys?
34
00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:09,184
You ignored them and that fixed it?
35
00:01:09,185 --> 00:01:10,452
Oh, they never needed it.
36
00:01:10,453 --> 00:01:12,745
They're so independent, especially now.
37
00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,691
In fact, it's freed me up for...
38
00:01:17,427 --> 00:01:19,078
Hey! Eyes on me!
39
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,663
I am pleased to announce
that I will finally
40
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:25,987
be recording an audiobook
of my under-appreciated novel,
41
00:01:25,988 --> 00:01:28,704
"A Case of a Knife to the Brain."
42
00:01:28,705 --> 00:01:31,273
I'll be doing an R-rated version
and an X-rated version.
43
00:01:31,274 --> 00:01:32,708
Ooh!
44
00:01:32,709 --> 00:01:34,710
You should've said all ears on you.
45
00:01:34,711 --> 00:01:36,154
It's an audiobook.
46
00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,483
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:01:41,484 --> 00:01:42,651
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
48
00:01:42,652 --> 00:01:44,352
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
49
00:01:44,353 --> 00:01:46,655
♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪
50
00:01:46,656 --> 00:01:47,923
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
51
00:01:47,924 --> 00:01:50,258
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
52
00:01:50,259 --> 00:01:51,727
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
53
00:01:51,728 --> 00:01:54,495
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
54
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:59,545
"As Jennifer Hong got up
to the bazooka factory rafters,
55
00:01:59,546 --> 00:02:00,669
she saw a door.
56
00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:04,072
Her elegant fingers grasped
the knob, turned the knob,
57
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,540
and pulled the knob..."
58
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,343
Ooh! Sorry, are you recording?
59
00:02:08,344 --> 00:02:09,362
Hi.
60
00:02:10,413 --> 00:02:12,581
Honey, why is there a child on your leg?
61
00:02:12,582 --> 00:02:15,383
I gave you perfect advice.
She should be obedient by now.
62
00:02:15,384 --> 00:02:17,452
Actually, your advice worked too well.
63
00:02:17,453 --> 00:02:18,920
Oh, yes. My curse.
64
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,555
I ignored her, and she calmed down,
65
00:02:20,556 --> 00:02:22,057
but then I started to miss
66
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,459
all that clinginess and affection.
67
00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:25,961
Oh, yes. Your curse.
68
00:02:25,962 --> 00:02:29,698
I guess, but right now,
she's my precious little girl.
69
00:02:29,699 --> 00:02:31,867
Don't you miss when your boys
were this young?
70
00:02:31,868 --> 00:02:34,369
No. I put in the work,
71
00:02:34,370 --> 00:02:36,628
and I taught them to study hard,
feed themselves,
72
00:02:36,629 --> 00:02:39,674
so now I can focus on my own life again.
73
00:02:39,675 --> 00:02:40,842
Speaking of which...
74
00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:46,414
"And as the bazooka factory
rafter door creaked open..."
75
00:02:48,684 --> 00:02:50,919
Wow, your door impression is incredible.
76
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,888
That wasn't me.
I can only do doors closing.
77
00:02:52,889 --> 00:02:54,589
I haven't mastered doors opening yet.
78
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,326
Evan. What's wrong?
79
00:02:58,327 --> 00:03:00,128
Sicily broke up with me.
80
00:03:00,129 --> 00:03:02,264
Oh, my precious little boy!
81
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,399
Come here! It's okay!
82
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,768
I told you it's hard
to ignore your children.
83
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,403
This is totally different.
84
00:03:08,404 --> 00:03:10,739
This isn't a baby crying for more milk.
85
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:12,541
This is a beautiful young man,
86
00:03:12,542 --> 00:03:15,695
who has been betrayed
by an evil, ugly witch.
87
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:18,814
Okay. Come on, Maria.
88
00:03:19,615 --> 00:03:20,482
Bye.
89
00:03:23,653 --> 00:03:27,389
I'm telling you, turducken
is not Thanksgiving-exclusive.
90
00:03:27,390 --> 00:03:28,857
We could do it year-round.
91
00:03:28,858 --> 00:03:31,493
And I'm telling you... I see
"turd" on a restaurant menu?
92
00:03:31,494 --> 00:03:32,961
I'm eating somewhere else.
93
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,329
We've got another one, boys!
94
00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:35,997
Looks like Burger Barrel
thinks they have
95
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:37,432
the "Best Burger in Orlando."
96
00:03:37,433 --> 00:03:39,134
Those suckers don't know
what they're in for.
97
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:41,036
You mean when you buy
their food and talk about it?
98
00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:43,104
Trent, just... Okay?
99
00:03:43,105 --> 00:03:45,941
Hey, boss, think I could
get in on the action this time?
100
00:03:45,942 --> 00:03:47,108
Oh, sorry, Chestnut,
101
00:03:47,109 --> 00:03:49,511
but this is more of
a Huang-boys-only thing.
102
00:03:49,512 --> 00:03:50,979
Alright. Yeah.
103
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,480
I guess you would have to adopt me.
104
00:03:52,481 --> 00:03:54,850
Which would be crazy, right?
105
00:03:54,851 --> 00:03:55,749
Right?
106
00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:58,987
Whoa, no bacon bits?
107
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,922
I get it, saving space for the beef.
108
00:04:00,923 --> 00:04:01,957
Smart.
109
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:03,391
I could learn from you.
110
00:04:03,392 --> 00:04:06,239
Well, actually...
111
00:04:07,829 --> 00:04:10,313
Look, I wasn't sure
how to say this before,
112
00:04:10,314 --> 00:04:12,767
but I was watching PBS,
and there was this documentary
113
00:04:12,768 --> 00:04:14,202
called "Fatal Farming."
114
00:04:14,203 --> 00:04:15,704
Long story short...
115
00:04:16,609 --> 00:04:18,322
God, why is this so hard?
116
00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:19,817
The thing is...
117
00:04:20,543 --> 00:04:22,042
I'm vegan now.
118
00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:25,413
A vegan?
119
00:04:25,414 --> 00:04:26,581
No.
120
00:04:26,582 --> 00:04:31,442
No boss's son of mine is
gonna be a stinkin' vegan!
121
00:04:31,443 --> 00:04:33,421
Here I am, ready to give
my left chestnut
122
00:04:33,422 --> 00:04:34,556
to be a Burger Boy,
123
00:04:34,557 --> 00:04:36,258
and you're gonna give
a spot to this little...
124
00:04:36,259 --> 00:04:37,392
leaf-muncher?!
125
00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:38,627
It's disgusting!
126
00:04:38,628 --> 00:04:40,427
- Whoa, you need to cool down!
- Oh, I need to cool down!
127
00:04:41,898 --> 00:04:43,031
I'm sorry, boss.
128
00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:44,532
You never think it'll be your kid.
129
00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:46,234
Sorry, just playing catch-up here,
130
00:04:46,235 --> 00:04:47,335
but what's a vegan?
131
00:04:47,336 --> 00:04:48,904
It's like a vegetarian,
except you don't eat
132
00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:50,672
any animal products, not just meat.
133
00:04:50,673 --> 00:04:53,095
So no dairy, no eggs...
134
00:04:53,096 --> 00:04:55,176
Wait, what about candy?
Can you still eat candy?
135
00:04:55,177 --> 00:04:57,612
Guys, this doesn't have
to be a whole thing.
136
00:04:57,613 --> 00:04:59,614
I don't need to eat burgers
to be a Burger Boy.
137
00:04:59,615 --> 00:05:01,082
It'll still be fun to hang out.
138
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,350
Emery's right.
139
00:05:02,351 --> 00:05:04,619
Nothing has to change.
I'm sure it'll all be fine.
140
00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:05,720
Yeah, you're probably right.
141
00:05:05,721 --> 00:05:06,888
It'll be totally fine,
142
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,590
like when my sister
Tiffany stopped drinking.
143
00:05:08,591 --> 00:05:11,259
Huh. I didn't know you had
a sister named Tiffany.
144
00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:13,494
We don't talk about her
because she stopped being fun.
145
00:05:18,898 --> 00:05:20,969
Do we have any Gatorade?
146
00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:23,204
My new boyfriend's a lot of fun.
147
00:05:23,205 --> 00:05:24,973
No, and keep it down.
148
00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:27,876
Evan's had a tough day,
and he's trying to sleep.
149
00:05:27,877 --> 00:05:30,111
You're giving Evan too much attention.
150
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:32,914
What about the advice you gave blondie?
151
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:34,249
Jenny, you eavesdrop too much.
152
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:35,884
One day, it's gonna come back
and bite you.
153
00:05:35,885 --> 00:05:37,519
The last thing that tried to bite me
154
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,154
is waiting in the garage.
155
00:05:39,155 --> 00:05:42,090
Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager.
156
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,845
It's different. Give him a day.
157
00:05:43,846 --> 00:05:45,360
Tomorrow he'll be back to normal.
158
00:05:45,361 --> 00:05:46,661
I got to get back.
159
00:05:46,662 --> 00:05:50,130
And don't come in no matter
how much I yell "help."
160
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:53,601
Mommy, I had a bad dream.
161
00:05:53,602 --> 00:05:55,437
Oh, it was just your grandmother.
162
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:56,538
Shh.
163
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:02,110
Uh... sorry.
164
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,478
Are you sure this is okay?
165
00:06:03,479 --> 00:06:04,479
Not too weird?
166
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,747
Not at all.
167
00:06:05,748 --> 00:06:08,416
I'm loaded on vitamin B12
with all these fresh vegetables.
168
00:06:08,417 --> 00:06:09,617
I'm in a great mood.
169
00:06:09,618 --> 00:06:11,052
Is it just me,
170
00:06:11,053 --> 00:06:13,121
or is tofu at a burger joint
a real bummer?
171
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,622
It's like a cat
at a dog show. Disrespectful.
172
00:06:16,726 --> 00:06:19,995
Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you.
173
00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:24,599
And a seltzer for the boy
who brought in outside food.
174
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,301
Thanks.
175
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:27,235
Well...
176
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,306
Oh.
177
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,814
We finally found the one burger
178
00:06:39,815 --> 00:06:41,416
the Hamburglar wouldn't steal.
179
00:06:41,417 --> 00:06:43,118
You can tell these were frozen.
180
00:06:43,119 --> 00:06:44,285
Burrrr-ger.
181
00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:45,487
Boom! Got 'em!
182
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,390
Umm...
183
00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:50,592
Are you sure you don't want to try it?
184
00:06:50,593 --> 00:06:53,061
So you can see how bad it is?
One bite won't kill you.
185
00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:54,562
First of all, you don't
know that. What if I choke?
186
00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,898
Second, I'm serious
about my veganism, Dad.
187
00:06:56,899 --> 00:06:58,098
But you two should enjoy.
188
00:06:59,969 --> 00:07:01,503
You know, maybe we just call it.
189
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:02,670
There's something about this place
190
00:07:02,671 --> 00:07:04,256
that isn't as fun as I thought.
191
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,448
Oh, that reminds me.
192
00:07:05,449 --> 00:07:07,556
There's this vegan restaurant,
Cafe Fiona, that says
193
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,911
they have the Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando.
194
00:07:09,912 --> 00:07:11,880
Whaddaya say we put 'em
in their place, huh?
195
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,816
Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait.
196
00:07:14,817 --> 00:07:16,084
You're not gonna like the price,
197
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,219
but that's what it costs
to make a patty out of beans.
198
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:19,538
And bun out of beans.
199
00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:20,985
And cheese out of beans.
200
00:07:20,986 --> 00:07:23,858
And the parking's valet-only.
201
00:07:26,495 --> 00:07:28,430
Soothes the vocal cords...
202
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:30,065
and boosts fertility?
203
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:32,333
Just do one thing well.
204
00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:35,804
Oh, you're looking refreshed,
how are you feeling?
205
00:07:35,805 --> 00:07:39,040
Better. Spending time with you always
makes me feel better, Mommy.
206
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:40,975
Great. That's solved.
207
00:07:42,411 --> 00:07:46,180
My cords are soothed. It's time.
208
00:07:52,544 --> 00:07:54,422
What's happening? What... What is this?
209
00:07:54,423 --> 00:07:56,491
Spending yesterday together
felt so good,
210
00:07:56,492 --> 00:07:57,859
I thought, why not do it again?
211
00:07:57,860 --> 00:08:00,495
Oh. Another day of that.
212
00:08:00,496 --> 00:08:03,398
Okay, I guess you can
observe my process.
213
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:04,465
Hm.
214
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,745
Out you go. You're gonna miss the bus.
215
00:08:21,746 --> 00:08:22,950
Are you gonna be waiting
here when I get home?
216
00:08:22,951 --> 00:08:24,329
- I promise.
- Which room?
217
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:25,564
Uhp, the door's closing.
218
00:08:27,867 --> 00:08:30,084
Jessica, you were right...
219
00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:32,037
You make a perfect door-closing sound.
220
00:08:32,038 --> 00:08:34,673
I can make the perfect
ass-kissing sound.
221
00:08:35,675 --> 00:08:37,976
Evan is more clingy than ever.
222
00:08:37,977 --> 00:08:40,111
I thought I raised him
to be the perfect machine.
223
00:08:40,112 --> 00:08:43,075
But I didn't account
for one thing... love.
224
00:08:43,076 --> 00:08:44,876
Now he's turned on his creator.
225
00:08:44,877 --> 00:08:46,117
Like the "Terminator."
226
00:08:46,118 --> 00:08:47,558
I need a plan.
227
00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:49,788
How do you fix someone
who's just been dumped?
228
00:08:49,789 --> 00:08:50,889
I really wish I could help,
229
00:08:50,890 --> 00:08:53,024
but I've actually never had
my heart broken.
230
00:08:53,025 --> 00:08:55,026
My nicknames in high school
were "Honey the Heartbreaker"
231
00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:57,662
and another I just realized
I shouldn't tell you guys.
232
00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,898
I've never had my heart broken either.
233
00:08:59,899 --> 00:09:01,967
One guy tried, but he
woke up the next morning
234
00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:03,735
with his mattress
floating down the Potomac.
235
00:09:03,736 --> 00:09:05,437
Embarrassing for a senator.
236
00:09:05,438 --> 00:09:06,905
I always do the dumping.
237
00:09:06,906 --> 00:09:09,474
I've dumped 14 boyfriends this year.
238
00:09:09,475 --> 00:09:11,610
Hey, babe.
239
00:09:11,611 --> 00:09:12,843
You wanted to talk?
240
00:09:13,713 --> 00:09:15,666
Time to make it 15.
241
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:18,183
Let's do this in the garage.
242
00:09:18,184 --> 00:09:20,618
- Hmm?
- Okay. The garage.
243
00:09:23,022 --> 00:09:24,222
That's it.
244
00:09:24,223 --> 00:09:27,058
I just need to talk to some duds
who've been dumped.
245
00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:29,118
Did Jenny get a nurse?
246
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,329
What just happened?
247
00:09:31,330 --> 00:09:32,563
Dud.
248
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,276
A lot of hemp on these vegans.
249
00:09:44,277 --> 00:09:46,311
Number 50! Your food's sprouted!
250
00:09:46,312 --> 00:09:47,779
That's us!
251
00:09:47,780 --> 00:09:48,847
50?
252
00:09:48,848 --> 00:09:51,049
You mean 49 other people
ordered this crap?
253
00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:52,150
I can't believe we're stuck here
254
00:09:52,151 --> 00:09:53,909
instead of trying Leroy's Burger Town.
255
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,186
Did you see their ad?
256
00:09:55,187 --> 00:09:57,022
I did. Scrambled eggs in a burger patty?
257
00:09:57,023 --> 00:09:59,758
Sounds terrible, but also maybe amazing?
258
00:09:59,759 --> 00:10:02,594
- Who knows?
- Not us.
259
00:10:02,595 --> 00:10:05,030
But we can't eat that
around Emery. It's too weird.
260
00:10:05,031 --> 00:10:06,765
Look, it'll all be fine.
261
00:10:06,766 --> 00:10:08,266
He's probably just going
through a phase.
262
00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:09,267
You know how he's been.
263
00:10:09,268 --> 00:10:11,169
Gentlemen, ready your wit.
264
00:10:11,170 --> 00:10:14,272
The "Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando" is served!
265
00:10:14,273 --> 00:10:16,207
Wait, it's just veggie stuff?
266
00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:17,676
Not like, a veggie/beef mix?
267
00:10:17,677 --> 00:10:20,245
Wait, I have my shoe bologna!
268
00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:22,447
Oh, damn it. I ate it in the car.
269
00:10:27,787 --> 00:10:29,154
Ugh! This tastes like cardboard
270
00:10:29,155 --> 00:10:30,522
that was left out in the rain.
271
00:10:30,523 --> 00:10:32,590
There's definitely dirt in here.
272
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:34,325
And it might be on purpose.
273
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,342
What if this isn't a phase?
274
00:10:38,631 --> 00:10:40,878
You can really taste the chickpea husks.
275
00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:42,445
Thank you, Mother Earth, right?
276
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:46,771
Welcome, heartbroken flops.
277
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:48,306
Thank you for meeting
with me here today.
278
00:10:48,307 --> 00:10:50,475
Yeah. Sure thing.
Always a pleasure. Sup.
279
00:10:50,476 --> 00:10:52,744
You're all here because
you've been dumped before...
280
00:10:52,745 --> 00:10:54,346
Some, I'm assuming, more than others.
281
00:10:54,347 --> 00:10:55,347
Guilty!
282
00:10:55,348 --> 00:10:57,282
But you've all managed to bounce back
283
00:10:57,283 --> 00:11:00,719
and become mostly functioning adults.
284
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:01,786
How?
285
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,954
Marvin?
286
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,456
Oh, well, I just rebounded
287
00:11:04,457 --> 00:11:06,091
the way my father taught me...
288
00:11:06,092 --> 00:11:07,659
Move south and date younger.
289
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:10,061
My high-school sweetheart
was a 50-year-old in Maine.
290
00:11:10,062 --> 00:11:12,763
"Marvin... useless."
291
00:11:13,332 --> 00:11:15,233
Never thought these words
would come out of my mouth,
292
00:11:15,234 --> 00:11:17,535
but, Matthew Chestnut, please speak.
293
00:11:17,536 --> 00:11:19,104
Well, uh, let me tell ya...
294
00:11:19,105 --> 00:11:22,707
Me and Madam Heartbreak
go way, way back.
295
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,875
I hate you.
296
00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:25,944
But every time she does pay me a visit,
297
00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:27,512
I just crack open a bottle of whiskey,
298
00:11:27,513 --> 00:11:28,713
put on an old Western,
299
00:11:28,714 --> 00:11:33,118
and weep until my eyes
are as dry as the desert sands.
300
00:11:33,119 --> 00:11:35,220
Spoken like a man who's
never been to the desert.
301
00:11:35,221 --> 00:11:37,522
Y'know, it's truly amazing
how many tears
302
00:11:37,523 --> 00:11:39,156
one man can produce in a single month.
303
00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:42,127
"Never talk to Chestnut again."
304
00:11:42,128 --> 00:11:44,529
Alright, tank-top.
305
00:11:44,530 --> 00:11:45,563
Prove your worth.
306
00:11:45,564 --> 00:11:47,332
Hmm? What?
307
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:48,533
- I-I'm sorry.
- Go, man.
308
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:50,168
This hangover is killing me.
309
00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:51,302
I-I had a wild night out
310
00:11:51,303 --> 00:11:52,963
with the boys last night, y'know?
311
00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:55,507
Jackson bought some shots,
Trey invited some babes,
312
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:58,109
Cody did some sick backflips.
313
00:11:58,110 --> 00:11:59,677
By the end of the night I had forgotten
314
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347
about your mother-in-law...
And my home address.
315
00:12:02,348 --> 00:12:04,816
You know, unlike your choice in women,
316
00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:06,850
that idea is not half-bad.
317
00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:09,487
A party could get Evan off my back
318
00:12:09,488 --> 00:12:11,322
and might help him
get over his break-up.
319
00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:12,257
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
320
00:12:12,258 --> 00:12:13,324
Hmm.
321
00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:14,526
Okay, I just have to ask.
322
00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:15,693
I grew up in Bangor.
323
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,762
Was she a thin woman with glasses?
324
00:12:17,763 --> 00:12:19,063
No.
325
00:12:19,064 --> 00:12:22,333
She was a tub of clam chowder
with perfect vision.
326
00:12:22,334 --> 00:12:23,935
Whew!
327
00:12:25,504 --> 00:12:26,704
"She sipped her coffee."
328
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,374
"The clock ticked.
329
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:31,242
Seconds turned into minutes.
330
00:12:31,243 --> 00:12:32,744
Minutes turned into hours.
331
00:12:32,745 --> 00:12:34,345
Hours turned into days.
332
00:12:34,346 --> 00:12:35,914
Days turned into weeks.
333
00:12:35,915 --> 00:12:37,182
She flagged down the waitress.
334
00:12:37,183 --> 00:12:38,183
'More coffee?'
335
00:12:38,184 --> 00:12:39,751
One cup turned into two.
336
00:12:39,752 --> 00:12:41,060
Two cups turned into three..."
337
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,187
Mommy!
338
00:12:42,188 --> 00:12:44,489
I forgot how bad
the school cafeteria food is.
339
00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,057
Can you please make me a healthy snack?
340
00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:47,091
Please, Mommy?
341
00:12:47,092 --> 00:12:48,793
Maybe in a bit, but first
342
00:12:48,794 --> 00:12:51,663
I have a different,
original idea of my own.
343
00:12:51,664 --> 00:12:53,698
Call your friends and tell them
you're having a sleepover!
344
00:12:53,699 --> 00:12:55,433
But you said sleepovers are just a scam
345
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:56,534
to get free babysitting.
346
00:12:56,535 --> 00:12:58,603
They are, but I'll make an exception.
347
00:12:58,604 --> 00:13:00,071
You're the best, Mommy!
348
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:01,539
I'll go call people right now.
349
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:03,842
And you'll do this... without me?
350
00:13:03,843 --> 00:13:05,577
Sure!
351
00:13:07,279 --> 00:13:10,815
"Three cups turned into four.
352
00:13:10,816 --> 00:13:12,817
Four cups turned into five.
353
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:15,053
She asked for the bathroom code.
354
00:13:15,054 --> 00:13:19,791
It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0..."
355
00:13:19,792 --> 00:13:20,725
Mom?
356
00:13:20,726 --> 00:13:22,299
Damn it, Emery!
357
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,762
She was just about to meet
Gorbachev in the bathroom!
358
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,265
Have you seen Eddie and Dad?
I can't find them anywhere.
359
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:30,034
Well, they said something about
going to Leroy's Burger Town.
360
00:13:30,035 --> 00:13:32,237
Wait, they went to
Leroy's Burger Town without me?
361
00:13:32,238 --> 00:13:34,839
Are you at Leroy's Burger Town
right now?
362
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,707
No.
363
00:13:35,708 --> 00:13:36,708
Well...
364
00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:42,113
They call this a burger?!
365
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:44,749
More like a... a booger.
366
00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:45,750
Sandwich.
367
00:13:45,751 --> 00:13:47,051
Cooked not good.
368
00:13:47,052 --> 00:13:49,220
Don't force it.
There's a lot to figure out.
369
00:13:49,221 --> 00:13:50,555
You're eating, you're talking.
370
00:13:50,556 --> 00:13:52,090
Just slow down. You'll find it.
371
00:13:52,091 --> 00:13:54,459
I know, I know.
I'm just so eager to please.
372
00:13:54,460 --> 00:13:56,628
We're pleased, man. Pleased you're here.
373
00:13:57,563 --> 00:13:59,264
You're sneaking off without me?
374
00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:00,431
And you invited Trent?
375
00:14:00,432 --> 00:14:02,100
What happened to Huang boys only?
376
00:14:02,101 --> 00:14:03,601
Well, what happened to eating meat?
377
00:14:03,602 --> 00:14:04,736
It hurts the animals!
378
00:14:04,737 --> 00:14:06,371
Of course it does! It's meat!
379
00:14:06,372 --> 00:14:08,339
Hey, I'm not the one that owes
an explanation here.
380
00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:10,808
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know. Not you, Trent!
381
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:12,643
I don't know you that well,
but you seem very nice!
382
00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,346
Well, since you two clearly
didn't want me here,
383
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:16,780
I guess I'll just go.
384
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:20,685
That's right, everyone!
385
00:14:20,686 --> 00:14:22,020
Get your stares in now!
386
00:14:22,021 --> 00:14:23,934
We're all dealing with something!
387
00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:30,361
Alright, Zack... Truth or Math?
388
00:14:30,362 --> 00:14:31,796
Truth.
389
00:14:32,765 --> 00:14:34,666
Alright, boys, I'm gonna leave now.
390
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:35,900
You sure you're all okay?
391
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,101
Evan, you're good?
392
00:14:37,102 --> 00:14:38,670
Yes, Mommy. Now please go.
393
00:14:38,671 --> 00:14:40,038
Zack picked "truth."
394
00:14:40,039 --> 00:14:42,906
We're in uncharted territory,
and it's gonna get weird.
395
00:14:44,777 --> 00:14:46,344
Well, then? C'mon.
396
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,212
Who would you rather kiss...
397
00:14:48,213 --> 00:14:49,981
My mom or Jeff's mom?
398
00:14:49,982 --> 00:14:51,382
Ooh.
399
00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:53,484
Do you have a 5?
400
00:14:53,485 --> 00:14:54,686
Go fish.
401
00:14:54,687 --> 00:14:56,654
We've played the whole deck.
402
00:14:56,655 --> 00:14:58,022
I know you have a 5.
403
00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,323
Go fish.
404
00:15:00,416 --> 00:15:02,327
I hate to admit it, but your ex
405
00:15:02,328 --> 00:15:03,561
had some good advice
406
00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:06,931
about distracting Evan
with his "wild night."
407
00:15:06,932 --> 00:15:10,274
I don't mean to be rude,
but you weren't paying that guy?
408
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:11,868
Not with money.
409
00:15:12,538 --> 00:15:14,372
Oh, it's so nice
410
00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:17,609
to finally be able to have
some time to myself!
411
00:15:17,610 --> 00:15:19,611
Evan was driving me nuts,
412
00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:23,514
always following me around
with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
413
00:15:23,515 --> 00:15:26,117
The clinginess was just too much.
414
00:15:27,353 --> 00:15:28,686
Just getting some juice.
415
00:15:28,687 --> 00:15:30,596
Hopefully it's not too much.
416
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,464
Oops, there I go again.
417
00:15:39,465 --> 00:15:40,865
Too much.
418
00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:42,200
She gets it, Evan!
419
00:15:42,201 --> 00:15:44,302
You're just wasting juice!
420
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:51,449
Well, I guess I'll leave you be,
421
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,518
now that you "finally
have time for yourself."
422
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:54,686
Look, Evan, I don't know
423
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,454
what you think you heard,
but I wasn't...
424
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:57,789
Let's check the tapes.
425
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,958
You were recording?
426
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,195
Evan was driving me
nuts, always following me around
427
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,306
with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
428
00:16:05,307 --> 00:16:07,832
Nobody learned from Watergate.
429
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:09,634
Look, Evan, I wasn't...
430
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:10,679
Don't worry, Mommy.
431
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,671
What's a few more cracks
in this broken heart of mine?
432
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,145
It'll be okay, Jessica.
433
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,514
I mean, parents are allowed to
mess up once in a while.
434
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,716
Marvin gave Maria coffee yesterday.
435
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,685
I've never messed up like this before.
436
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,453
He'll come back. They all do.
437
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:31,489
Louis still comes to me
for motherly support.
438
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:32,557
Really?
439
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:34,526
Interesting.
440
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,261
It's not that Marvin
isn't satisfying in bed.
441
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:38,929
- It's just, I don't have the stamina...
- Okay, Jenny, that's enough.
442
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:42,000
- Hey, Emery.
- Look, about earlier...
443
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,234
Yeah, about earlier indeed!
444
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:45,036
I can't believe you picked
undercooked meat blood
445
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:46,237
over your own flesh and blood.
446
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:47,772
Well, I got news for you, kid.
447
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:50,241
I run a steakhouse!
That's how we survive!
448
00:16:50,242 --> 00:16:51,843
Meat paid for the clothes on your back,
449
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:52,911
meat paid for your bed,
450
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,312
meat paid for your commemorative coins!
451
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,147
Your life was built on meat!
452
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,582
Yeah, what's the deal, Emery?
453
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:59,050
You too good for meat now or what?
454
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,251
If you're too good for meat,
455
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:02,120
I guess you're too good
for... this alarm clock!
456
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,888
And this journal!
457
00:17:03,889 --> 00:17:05,857
And this... bowl of...
458
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,192
loose batteries.
459
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,171
You know what, Dad?
460
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:10,228
I never judged you for eating
and selling meat.
461
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:11,329
I respected you.
462
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,663
And all I wanted was
some respect in return.
463
00:17:16,404 --> 00:17:19,178
Hey, is this sleepover still happening?
464
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:21,840
Yeah, because if not, uh,
that would actually be a relief.
465
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:25,677
I need my home bathroom to...
do what I need to do.
466
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,168
I know I'm on your bed,
but it's not because I'm clingy.
467
00:17:30,169 --> 00:17:31,676
There was just nowhere else to go.
468
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:34,219
Evan, I felt awful for hurting you.
469
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,320
I didn't know what to do,
470
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:37,355
so I called my mom to talk about it.
471
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:39,457
Did she go on a rant about
how annoying you are?
472
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,659
Actually, she sent me
straight to voicemail.
473
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,795
But the fact that I wanted to call her
474
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:45,230
made me realize something...
475
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,900
Sometimes a kid just needs their mom.
476
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,402
Unless your mom's a hamster.
They eat their babies.
477
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:54,172
So you figured out Cool Ranch
Jr. didn't move to Seattle?
478
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:55,106
Yeah.
479
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:56,090
Did Eddie?
480
00:17:56,091 --> 00:17:57,604
No. And I won't tell him.
481
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:01,379
You're always so perfect,
I sometimes forget
482
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,314
it doesn't mean you won't struggle.
483
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:06,151
I was glad I could be here
to help you...
484
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,719
Because I know I won't always be.
485
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,187
Oh, no. Are you dying?
486
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:10,421
What about the prophecy?
487
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:11,556
What? No.
488
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:13,024
I'm talking about
when you go off to college.
489
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,046
The psychic's prediction is still true.
490
00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:16,361
Mommy will outlive you all.
491
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:17,967
Oh, thank God.
492
00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:20,565
Please sing at my funeral.
You have a lovely voice.
493
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,467
It was wrong of me to get annoyed at you
494
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:24,358
just for needing my support.
495
00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:26,838
Getting over heartbreak takes time.
496
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,139
Or so I've heard.
497
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,441
I guess I might have been
overdoing it a bit.
498
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,310
And also, I started to hear myself,
499
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,345
and all that "Mommy" is a bit much.
500
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:36,181
From now on, you can be "Mother."
501
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,449
Mm, just call me "Mom."
502
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,252
It's the easiest thing to scream
when you're being kidnapped.
503
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,324
I got the weird invitation
you slid under my door.
504
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,259
Your handwriting is really bad, Eddie.
505
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,661
Look, you're still upset.
506
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,229
We've all been saying things
we don't mean...
507
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,180
No, it's bad.
508
00:18:52,181 --> 00:18:53,765
You should know which way
an "E" faces by now.
509
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,099
We have computers. Who cares?!
510
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:57,402
Look, we're sorry.
511
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,770
We messed up big time.
512
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,572
You did. You did do that.
513
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,740
And we're sorry we bounced you
out of the Burger Boys.
514
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:04,108
We really did like hanging out.
515
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:05,376
I mean, look at this trio.
516
00:19:05,377 --> 00:19:07,245
How often are the three of us a thing?
517
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,981
It was never supposed to be about
burgers. It was about bonding.
518
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,749
It was hard for me not to see
you going vegan
519
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:12,917
as a judgment on me.
520
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,853
You don't claim to be the best in town,
521
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,321
so I'd never judge you.
522
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,522
Thanks.
523
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,390
Now, we did invite you to
Cattleman's for a reason.
524
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,092
We put our heads together and made you
525
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,627
a good veggie burger...
526
00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:24,262
Not like that crap from the restaurant.
527
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,897
Thanks, guys.
528
00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:36,139
So? What do you think?
529
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,410
Wow, it's, uh...
530
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:40,945
in my mouth.
531
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,584
"As he knelt over his lover's
pale, lifeless body
532
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:50,622
he took her pale, lifeless hands
in his darker, alive hands.
533
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,090
He turned his neck upward
534
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,725
and screamed to the heavens..."
535
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,227
Whyyyy?! How could this have happened?!
536
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:57,629
My heart has been broken!!
537
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:58,730
Sicily!!
538
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,231
Whew!
539
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,734
Sorry, this is way more
therapeutic than I thought.
540
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,903
I'm glad it's helping,
but just so you know,
541
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,971
you're not making
any royalties from this.
542
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:07,906
I know, Mom.
543
00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:12,977
"He turned his neck upward,
then screamed to the heavens..."
544
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:18,608
Whhhyyyyyyy?!
545
00:20:20,491 --> 00:20:23,430
Thank you for such a lovely date, Jenny.
546
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:24,665
What the hell?
547
00:20:24,666 --> 00:20:26,900
You really do know
your "Matlock" trivia.
548
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,769
Color me impressed.
549
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:31,739
And you really know how
to talk over the best parts.
550
00:20:39,547 --> 00:20:41,081
Heard there was an opening
in the Burger Boys
551
00:20:41,082 --> 00:20:43,717
and you skipped over me for
your little golden boy Trent.
552
00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:46,019
So now I'm dating your mother.
553
00:20:46,020 --> 00:20:47,187
It's your move, boss.
554
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:52,221
You employ some odd people, Dad.
555
00:20:52,222 --> 00:20:54,728
I like the ones with low self-esteem.
556
00:20:54,729 --> 00:20:56,263
They do anything.
557
00:20:56,264 --> 00:20:58,298
Hm.
558
00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:01,313
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
40028
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