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1
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,439
What happened there?
I just don't understand it.
2
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:48,513
I made all the right moves. I winked. I smiled -
3
00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:50,513
one of my nice ones as well.
4
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:54,586
I sat down very nicely,
leant forward, put on my special eyes
5
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,623
and said, "Hello, big tits, looking for some action?"
6
00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:02,125
- And what did she say?
- I think she said, "No", didn't she?
7
00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:03,661
That's right - no!
8
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:09,235
Blasted lesbians everywhere! They should have
labels on them or something!
9
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,030
I wasted half an hour on those two,
10
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:15,608
prancing up and down, winking,
clenching me buttocks.
11
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,405
Backwards and forwards to the gents
I was going. Look at this!
12
00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:23,038
I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here!
13
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:28,278
I don't think they were lesbians, Richie,
14
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,912
'cause they got off with those other blokes.
15
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:37,155
Those handsomer... wittier...
Well, basically, those two guys
16
00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:40,289
that didn't have a load of toilet
paper stuffed down their trousers.
17
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,834
You hardly helped,
stuffing a Vimto bottle down your pants
18
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,996
and shouting, "Looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls?"
19
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,404
I got a result.
20
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:52,170
I don't call a kick in the knackers a result!
21
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:53,973
A free drink!
22
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,241
A kick in the knackers and a vodka in the face.
23
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:59,442
Always keep your mouth open
when you insult a lady!
24
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,151
What a waste of time!
25
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,623
If only I could just get
one of them to do it with me.
26
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,218
Anybody! Just to do it with me.
27
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,559
Just once.
28
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,100
Just to find out what it's like.
29
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,601
I mean, look.
30
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,967
Look all around you.
31
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:22,597
Friday night, and everywhere you look,
32
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:26,542
there's buildings full of people all doing it.
33
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,807
All doing it and doing it,
and then stopping and having a fag
34
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,974
and then doing it a bit more.
35
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:34,951
There's not a single one of 'em
saying, "Hang on a minute.
36
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,854
"This really isn't fair. I mean, here's us doing it,
37
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,257
"and there's poor old Richie
and he hasn't done it - ever!
38
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,693
"He hasn't got anyone to do it to.
39
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:49,564
"Tell you what, I'll pop down
and do it to him for a bit, all right?"
40
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:51,397
I mean, it wouldn't hurt, would it?
41
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,529
It'd be charitable.
42
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:57,541
I mean, just think of
all those acres and acres of ladies
43
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,076
all lying there saying,
44
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,737
"Come on, darling, let's do it",
45
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:06,477
and the bloke saying, "I don't
feel like it, the snooker's on."
46
00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:09,349
Well, I could be filling in for him.
47
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,650
Providing a service.
48
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,351
I could even charge.
49
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:17,986
Might make a bit of money!
Hey, Eddie, I've just thought of...
50
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:21,658
What on earth are you eating?
51
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,792
Lard.
52
00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:33,773
You are eating lard?
53
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:37,906
Yeah, well, I'm hungry but I'm too drunk to cook.
54
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,910
All right, Eddie, I can feel the elbow in me ribs.
55
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,149
I'll do one of my famous Friday night fry-ups!
56
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,816
Chuck us a couple of eggs.
57
00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:53,124
Ha, ha, ha!
58
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,894
The old ones ARE the best ones, aren't they?
59
00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:59,402
Who needs girls when you've got your mates?
60
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,871
There's some things a girl just can't appreciate,
61
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:05,705
and Richie's Friday night fry-up
is one of them! Oil!
62
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,308
Mazola!
63
00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:13,817
Right, then, a little dab of oil,
64
00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:16,751
my secret ingredient...
65
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,523
Come on out, you know you want to!
66
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,788
Come on, you've only been in there a week.
67
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:31,062
And then just the last couple of pints...
68
00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:37,375
Oh!
69
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,182
Lovely night!
70
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,563
Hit that dog again!
71
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:09,939
Why doesn't anyone
ever wanna have any sex with me?
72
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,271
Well, look on the bright side,
73
00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:16,439
at least you're not gonna get
any sexually transmitted diseases.
74
00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:19,676
I'll be lucky to catch flu off a girl.
75
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,810
The nearest I've ever got to sex
76
00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,787
was when that bus conductress
sneezed all over me this morning.
77
00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,358
Talk about the Green Line!
78
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,087
Oh, Eddie,
79
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,324
I'm just so depressed!
80
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:38,267
Cheer up, Richie!
There's loads of ugly birds in the world.
81
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,430
One of 'em's bound to do it
with you sooner or later.
82
00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:44,737
But there must be some way
I can get a woman to sleep with me.
83
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:49,280
Anyway, it's the staying awake bit
I'm interested in.
84
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:53,613
- I've just had a fantastic idea!
- Great!
85
00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:01,283
Well?
86
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,260
- What?
- What was the fantastic idea?
87
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,797
To drink that.
88
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,696
Only joking!
89
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:12,327
Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column?
90
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:13,939
Yeah!
91
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:18,601
Yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately
seeks sex of any description."
92
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:22,772
That is absolutely brilliant!
93
00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:26,180
"Suave, sophisticated, witty..."
94
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,480
Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ha, ha, ha!
95
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,419
Let's just be economical with the truth.
96
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,616
Something buck...
97
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,455
Hot young buck!
98
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:36,994
What about badger?
99
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,894
No, no, I'm more a sort of...
100
00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,933
- Hedgehog!
- No, fox!
101
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,037
That's good! No, that's good!
102
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,661
No, that IS good!
103
00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:49,400
Stoat!
104
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:52,272
Foxy stoat?!
105
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,539
Yeah!
106
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,773
Yeah, it's got a ring to it!
107
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,645
Foxy stoat seeks...
108
00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,912
Pig!
109
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,689
Foxy stoat seeks pig!
110
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,850
Shut up, Eddie!
111
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:10,224
This is very important!
112
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,696
Let's see, now. Foxy stoat...
113
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:16,563
...on the prowl...
114
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:19,296
Grrr!
115
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,963
I like that!
116
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,972
Musky...
117
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,737
Musky fox...
118
00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:30,212
Musky, sly old foxy stoat...
119
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:35,786
Minky, musky, sly old stoaty stoaty stoat!
120
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,091
Oh, this is ridiculous!
121
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,558
I'm not getting anywhere!
What do they normally put?
122
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,959
Hang on, here we are.
123
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,622
Sad old gits section!
124
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,931
Sad old gits section!
125
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,470
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes.
126
00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:57,269
I said, "Sad old gits section"!
127
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:01,278
Please, I've only got so many ribs, No�l Coward.
128
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,008
What do they normally put?
129
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,677
Well, HE'S not going to get very far, is he? "Gay"?
130
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,084
Don't knock it, Eddie,
131
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,589
cuts down the field for guys like us!
132
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:14,693
Let's have a look at this.
133
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,522
Gay...
134
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:19,187
gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, widow, gay.
135
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,357
Widow!
136
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:27,829
Widow - busty, raven-haired, millionairess...
137
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,965
...gay.
138
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,808
Gay, gay...
139
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:35,140
- This is the gay section!
- Yup!
140
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,979
Oh, look...
141
00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:43,521
Ooh, what's this? "Instant Sex Appeal"!
You can get it in a bottle!
142
00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,647
Let's have a look.
143
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,220
"Pheromone sex scent.
144
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,731
"Women cannot resist this powerful love smell.
145
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:59,497
"Scientifically distilled
from mystical African orchids." Wow!
146
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:05,972
It's medically proven! "This stuff attracts women
like you would not believe -
147
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,637
"Karachi Medical Gazette.
148
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,843
"Available at all good sex shops."
149
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,316
This is it, Eddie!
150
00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:17,115
Girl City, here we come!
151
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:20,487
What do you think, old chum?
152
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,326
Nil desperandum!
153
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:48,646
Can I help you, sir?
154
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,115
This is a sex shop, isn't it?
155
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,817
Yes.
156
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,987
I'll have five quid's worth, then!
157
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,258
I haven't heard that one before.
158
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,097
Shall I tell it again?
159
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:09,435
No. I'd rather have a pineapple
inserted violently into my rectum.
160
00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:14,444
You've been working here too long, mate!
161
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:20,083
- Can I help you, sir?
- No.
162
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:24,315
Do you wish to purchase anything
to assist you with your sex life?
163
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:29,693
What are you implying?
That I'm a sexual inadequate?
164
00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:32,627
I have a full and varied sex life!
165
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,960
I don't need anything from a shop like this!
166
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:38,127
Would you get out, then, sir?
167
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,670
- No.
- Why not?
168
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,469
It's a secret.
169
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,640
OK! Two bottles of pheromone, please.
170
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:52,717
- Pardon?
- Two bottles of pheromone, please.
171
00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:57,346
That's the sex spray for inadequate men
who are unable to attract women?
172
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,755
- That's the one, yes.
- Isn't it, sir?
173
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:04,590
I've no idea! Not being a pervert,
I'm not up on these things!
174
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,028
Your sex spray, gentlemen.
175
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,297
- I've got it!
- Fantastic!
176
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,563
Give me mine! Let's go!
177
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,401
I mean, well done, Doctor!
178
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,634
- I'm not a doctor.
- Shut up!
179
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,268
We are men of science.
180
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,883
We live our lives on a higher plane
181
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:29,112
where purity and virginity
are the only things we respect!
182
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:33,123
That's right! Let's get back to the flat,
bung this on, get down the pub
183
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:36,057
- and try to pick up some birds!
- Yeah!
184
00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:51,335
Hello, baby. Feeling mysteriously
drawn to me, are you?
185
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:55,846
Well, don't you worry,
you can have me whenever you like!
186
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,333
Blast these underpants!
187
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:23,374
I've been soaking them for hours
and I still can't get them off.
188
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,504
You know I've only one pair of pants?
189
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:29,239
- Yeah.
- The elastic went, so I glued them on.
190
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:32,646
- Have you tried Swarfega?
- This is Eternogum!
191
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:36,812
Nothing'll shift this! I've been sitting
in a bowl of petrol for two hours!
192
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:41,086
One curry and I'll blow and take
half the street with me as well!
193
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:44,162
Don't you worry. Within the hour,
194
00:12:44,296 --> 00:12:48,596
some pheromone-crazed love goddess
will be ripping them off with her teeth!
195
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,361
Do you really think so?
196
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,267
No doubt about it!
197
00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:56,897
God, I wonder what she'll find down there?
198
00:12:57,042 --> 00:13:02,002
I've had them on for three weeks.
Where's that Biro?
199
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:04,082
Right, chest hair.
200
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:06,650
What do you think, curly or straight?
201
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,777
Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think?
202
00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:10,889
I'd go for curly.
203
00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:13,321
Yeah, curly it is.
204
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,791
I'm not sure about the green, though.
205
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,795
I used up all the black on my legs.
206
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:23,662
Uh-oh! Nose hair! Tweezers!
207
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,271
What do you mean, tweezers?
208
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:28,168
We've never had any tweezers.
209
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,969
Well, get some pliers, then.
210
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:34,169
It doesn't matter how much pheromone I put on,
211
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:38,909
some bird will pull on that
and expect the butler to come in.
212
00:13:39,051 --> 00:13:43,454
- Here we go. Which one is it?
- The third one on the left.
213
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,353
- Brace yourself.
- Yes.
214
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,223
- This might make your eyes water.
- OK.
215
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,173
Bastard!
216
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:26,759
- No, Eddie, no! This is stupid!
- Yes.
217
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:31,063
We're going out tonight to get
some fantastic birds, remember?
218
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,103
Let's not take out our frustrations on each other.
219
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:36,140
We can take them out on them, OK?
220
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:38,872
OK.
221
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:42,037
OK. Come on. Let's shake and make up.
222
00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:46,910
Great gag!
223
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:51,682
Yeah, that's right. Our crumpet-free
days are over. Listen to this.
224
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,724
"Spray liberally,
225
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:56,726
"go to a place with lots of females
226
00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:59,353
"and brace yourself!"
227
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,693
How much do you think we should put on?
228
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:08,500
- I've already put on half a bottle.
- Half a bottle? Are you insane?!
229
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:12,236
You'll be dead by morning! Death by sex!
230
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:14,346
You'll just be lying there
231
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,348
and they'll be doing it to you
and doing it to you until...
232
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,248
I think I'll put on half a bottle as well!
233
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:23,753
A little bit there and a little bit there!
234
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,857
A little bit there just in case.
235
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,789
Right, where's that packet
of rubber johnnies we used to have?
236
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,420
We stuck 'em on our heads
when Norman gave us that sherry.
237
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,158
Great days, they were! Great days!
238
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:38,395
Not to worry, let's get some down the pub.
239
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:58,115
Blimey! When it said "female",
I didn't expect the term to be so broad!
240
00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:02,221
Right, here we are.
241
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:06,696
Here we go. Death by sex, part one!
242
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:09,400
Come on!
243
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:12,470
Look at that cracking bit of crumpet!
244
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,437
That one's got my number on it.
245
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,205
I'll see you later, pal, I'm going in!
246
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,608
OK. Good luck, skipper.
247
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,025
Yes!
248
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,996
Give in!
249
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,568
Give into your cravings!
250
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,069
I beg your pardon?
251
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:48,901
Do as you are bid!
252
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,601
You cannot help yourself!
253
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:56,340
Come back to my place
because we're going to have it off!
254
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,275
What do you think you're doing with my wife?
255
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,944
He's gonna have it off with her!
256
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,220
I don't think he is.
257
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:13,692
- He's not capable any more!
- Darling, don't hurt them.
258
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:18,269
I think it's shocking they send them
back into the community so soon.
259
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,635
That's right! We're mere loonies!
We mean no harm!
260
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:29,905
Come back to my place,
we're going to have it off! I'm mad!
261
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:33,018
- You see, Eddie? It works!
- Did it?
262
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:36,485
If it hadn't have been for that gorilla,
I'd have been well away!
263
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,557
She was mesmerised! And I'll tell you what,
264
00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:42,091
it's loosened up my pants a bit, too!
265
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,559
- This is your lucky day!
- You're not wrong there.
266
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:48,723
Come on. We'll get the drinks in
and then we'll prowl.
267
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,171
Landlord, two halves of mild, please.
268
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,569
- In pint glasses.
- Certainly, Eddie.
269
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:58,039
- How are we tonight?
- Yup.
270
00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:03,572
Phwoar! Smells like the drains have gone again!
271
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:07,412
Cor! Look at those couple
of stunners down there!
272
00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,217
Do you think they're Star birds?
273
00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:13,688
Bound to be, mate.
274
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,159
Either that or topless models.
275
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:21,792
Look at the way they're sitting.
They're screaming for it.
276
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:26,997
They want to have it off with someone! Come on!
277
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:30,939
- That'll be �1.60, please.
- Stick it on the slate.
278
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,567
- You haven't got a slate.
- Yes, we have!
279
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,839
- No, you haven't.
- I demand to see the landlord!
280
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:37,642
- I AM the landlord.
- I know.
281
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,718
We have this conversation every night! �1.60!
282
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,684
- There you are! Vampire!
- Leech!
283
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:46,279
- Bloodsucker!
- Shut up!
284
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:49,292
- It's always worth a try!
- Absolutely!
285
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:53,728
Speaking of which, let the tournament commence!
286
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:10,041
Excuse me! Excuse me!
287
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:17,250
- Is there something wrong?
- No, there's everything right...
288
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,323
my love!
289
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:22,825
- Is that one mine?
- Yeah, that's your bird.
290
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,725
Right, I'd better get started, then.
291
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,368
What's it to be, then? Mild or bitter?
292
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,960
- Or straight back to our place?
- We don't want a drink.
293
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,040
I think you do.
294
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:44,010
- Are you sure?
- OK, if you must, I'll have a coke.
295
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,174
Bingo! It bloody works!
296
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,980
Get the drinks in. I'll keep the birds white-hot!
297
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:54,182
So, little baby...
298
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,817
...what might your little name be today?
299
00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,489
My little name's Kate today,
same as it was yesterday.
300
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:07,836
I say, what a lovely blouse.
301
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:11,067
It's very special, isn't it?
302
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,702
Do you often wear blouses?
303
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:18,111
Or sometimes do you wear a jumper?
304
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:23,248
I suppose it depends
on the weather, doesn't it?
305
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:27,882
I sometimes wear a jumper.
There again, sometimes I wear a cardy.
306
00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:33,923
Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants
off with your teeth?
307
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:38,464
You haven't got a slate!
Extortioner!
308
00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,834
- Parasite!
- Shut up!
309
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,204
- Here we go.
- I suppose if you're wearing dentures...
310
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,811
Fancy a gander at the Eiffel Tower?
311
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:50,210
This is frightfully good... No, it's not! Eddie, no!
312
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:55,309
No, don't do that,
because I think it's time to go to the toilet.
313
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:01,157
Wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me?
314
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:05,853
No, I wouldn't.
315
00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:28,411
I get it! Johnnies!
316
00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:34,457
I'm desperate to go.
Keep yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment.
317
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,424
Adieu,
318
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:38,153
adieu,
319
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:40,697
to yer and yer and yer.
320
00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,232
Will you get into
the lavatory with me this instant!
321
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:52,242
We're toilet inspectors.
322
00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:59,348
- The coast is clear!
- Right, let's go!
323
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:02,317
Nadgers! What kind do you want?
324
00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,752
Rubber ones.
325
00:22:04,890 --> 00:22:09,122
Yeah, but there's ribbed,
there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive.
326
00:22:09,261 --> 00:22:10,694
- Ripped?
- Yeah.
327
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:13,127
Who's gonna want a ripped condom?
328
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:15,995
That must be for people who wanna get pregnant.
329
00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:20,366
I don't think ultra-sensitive is our style, do you?
330
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,735
Right then, tickler it is.
331
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:24,171
Oh, nadgers!
332
00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:26,106
- What colour?
- What have they got?
333
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:31,511
There's black, there's gold,
there's Union Jack or there's leopard skin.
334
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:33,641
Which do you think is the most romantic?
335
00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:35,309
Union Jack, of course.
336
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:38,048
- Well, Union Jack tickler, then.
- Okey-dokey!
337
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,091
- Oh, nadgers! What flavour?
- Flavour?
338
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:44,559
Yeah, there's banana, strawberry,
339
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,323
peanut butter,
340
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:49,559
Marmite or cheese and onion.
341
00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:54,833
Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?
342
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:59,273
Okey-dokey, cheese and onion
flavour Union Jack tickler it is.
343
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:01,936
Bagsy me first go with it!
344
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:04,745
- Get two.
- Get two?
345
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,181
- Yeah.
- Wildman!
346
00:23:16,027 --> 00:23:17,392
Bastard!
347
00:23:17,529 --> 00:23:18,791
Bastard!
348
00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:21,364
- Give me my rubber johnnies!
- Hang on, hang on!
349
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,468
I'm the DIY expert.
350
00:23:23,602 --> 00:23:26,969
Right, let's have a look at the little fella.
351
00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:31,170
- Yeah, I think I see the problem.
- What is it?
352
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,344
Give me my johnnies!
There's two birds out there in the bar
353
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:40,349
who are just screaming for it! Get off, Eddie!
354
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,009
Give me my johnnies!
355
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:45,851
I just want to do it and do it
to those two birds at the bar!
356
00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,583
You wanna what?
357
00:23:47,726 --> 00:23:51,753
He wants to do it and do it
to those two birds at the bar.
358
00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:01,602
Look! More johnnies
than it's humanly possible
359
00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:04,265
- to use in a week!
- Great!
360
00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:14,746
That should do. Let's get out there
before our two crumpets go off the boil!
361
00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:18,522
Oh, no! Someone's nicked our birds!
362
00:24:18,657 --> 00:24:22,388
Come on, Richie, let me at 'em.
I'm a sex typhoon.
363
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:23,789
Hello, baby!
364
00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:26,363
Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair!
365
00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:29,399
Yeah, it's a bit of all right, isn't it?
366
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,935
Someone's nicked our crumpets! Oh, no,
367
00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:35,505
there they are!
368
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:41,077
Eddie, no, wrong one!
369
00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:46,208
Ha, ha, ha!
370
00:24:46,351 --> 00:24:50,117
Oh, so you've moved tables.
371
00:24:50,255 --> 00:24:52,223
Of course, how silly of me.
372
00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:54,791
It's much more romantic
in a booth, isn't it, birds?
373
00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:56,917
This is a private conversation.
374
00:24:57,062 --> 00:25:00,190
Carry on. We'll just sit here and listen,
375
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:03,392
but you'd better hurry up,
we haven't got all night.
376
00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:06,095
No, I'm sorry. We'd rather be on our own.
377
00:25:06,238 --> 00:25:07,603
Oh.
378
00:25:07,739 --> 00:25:10,833
Oh! Ha, ha, ha!
379
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:16,041
Trying to decide which one of us
you want to have, are you?
380
00:25:18,316 --> 00:25:20,614
Well, before you decide let me tell you
381
00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:23,687
that "tiny" Eddie here and I...
382
00:25:25,757 --> 00:25:28,282
...share the same flat, so don't worry,
383
00:25:28,426 --> 00:25:30,860
you'll both be waking up in the same house.
384
00:25:30,996 --> 00:25:33,021
Have me!
385
00:25:33,164 --> 00:25:34,756
Have me!
386
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:37,869
I'm a love albatross!
387
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,036
Ha, ha, ha!
388
00:25:42,173 --> 00:25:43,435
Yes...
389
00:25:43,575 --> 00:25:46,009
...although, if you play your cards right,
390
00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:50,581
you could both wind up sleeping in the same bed.
391
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:54,116
Sorry, we're really NOT interested.
392
00:25:54,252 --> 00:25:57,619
- Besides which, we're lesbians.
- You're used to it, then! You're what?!
393
00:25:57,756 --> 00:26:01,658
- We're lesbians.
- Is this a joke? It isn't very funny!
394
00:26:01,793 --> 00:26:04,785
- Come on, Kate, let's go.
- Sit down, young lady!
395
00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:08,024
I bought you a Coca Cola in good faith.
396
00:26:08,166 --> 00:26:11,294
That's 80 pence you've hoodwinked out of me!
397
00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:13,427
When I said, "Hello, darling,
would you like a Coca Cola?"
398
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,632
Did you say, "No, thanks, I'm a lesbian"?
399
00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:21,144
- No, you said, "That'll be lovely."
- I said, "All right, if you must."
400
00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:23,474
There's no need to be so pedantic!
401
00:26:23,615 --> 00:26:26,675
- You owe me 80 pence!
- What do you mean?
402
00:26:26,818 --> 00:26:31,448
- Well, you won't sleep with me!
- Here's your 80 pence. Let's go.
403
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,319
What, you're going? No, wait!
404
00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:35,858
Wait! This is silly! This is so silly!
405
00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,929
Look, I'm terribly sorr...
406
00:26:39,064 --> 00:26:41,498
What the hell! Let's waive the 80 pence.
407
00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:43,464
It's Saturday night, who cares?
408
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:47,163
Look, OK, I'm sorry. I have been terribly intolerant.
409
00:26:47,305 --> 00:26:50,832
It's not your fault that you're lesbians.
410
00:26:50,976 --> 00:26:53,308
Look, please, give me one more chance.
411
00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:56,881
Come back to my place and I'll cure you.
412
00:26:57,882 --> 00:26:59,645
What did I say?
413
00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:03,379
Don't go! Please! I've got the same
ideas about women as you have!
414
00:27:03,521 --> 00:27:07,423
I've got loads of magazines.
We can read them together.
415
00:27:07,559 --> 00:27:10,084
I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983
416
00:27:10,228 --> 00:27:13,356
and they just flop open at the lingerie pages.
417
00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:17,195
I even taped the Clothes Show
special on beachwear.
418
00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:21,066
We could take our clothes off
and watch it in our pants!
419
00:27:26,544 --> 00:27:29,206
Yes, is there something wrong?
420
00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:39,520
Huh! Saturday night.
Oh, well, may as well have another drink.
421
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:42,092
- I shall have a large...
- Time, gentlemen, please.
422
00:27:42,227 --> 00:27:43,694
- You are a c...
- Out!
423
00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:49,129
Hi, baby.
424
00:27:50,869 --> 00:27:54,805
Cor! You smell great!
425
00:27:54,939 --> 00:27:57,965
- Let's do it!
- Get a grip!
426
00:27:58,109 --> 00:28:00,805
Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely!
427
00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:02,344
Eddie, no!
428
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,142
Richie, yes!
429
00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,314
Right, I'm off.
430
00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,986
Changed your mind, have you, dearie?
431
00:28:17,128 --> 00:28:18,823
Well, come on, then!
432
00:28:18,963 --> 00:28:21,022
Plant a big one right on me kisser!
32853
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