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Here's a surprise.

Guess who's not coming to Thanksgiving?

Your dad?

He's such a hypocrite. I hate hypocrites.

I'm sorry.

Is this for me?

I figured you'd have more use for it than I will.

Right. Thanks.

I swear to God.

The man is incapable of keeping a promise.

What was his reason?

You tell me. He's your friend.

- Carrie-- - He said he has to, um, stay in London.

Why would anyone choose to stay in London?

London's awful.

When's the last time you were in London?

When I was 12.

When your mom was sick?

Don't do that.

Do what?

Make associations in your head.

I don't like London because it is cold,

it is repressed.

And everyone looks like they've smoked

too many cigarettes.

Did you make any friends this week?

You and I both know

there's a perfectly good reason

I don't have any friends.

So, what did you do this week?

What I normally do.

- Reading? - Mostly.

And how many books did you read?

Seventeen.

And does reading 17 books in one week

seem normal to you?

No, no, of course it's not normal.

I mean, does skipping

three grades of school seem normal?

Does going to Harvard at the age of 14 seem normal?

I'm clearly not normal.

I thought we'd established that was the problem.

Carrie, I want you to do something for me.

What?

You and I are going to come up with

a list of goals you're going to achieve

between now and the end of the year.

So, for our next session, I want you to think about

some of the things you'd like to have on that list.

Things you've done in your life and enjoyed.

What kind of things do you expect me

to put on this list?

For example, join a club.

Why should I force myself to go out and meet people

who have lowered their moral, ethical, and intellectual standards

in order to fit in with other people

who have low moral, ethical, and intellectual standards?

You're such a contrarian.

No, I'm not.

( chuckles )

( snickers )

A little helpful advice.

One, try to stop pontificating

and rubbing your exceptionally high IQ

in people's noses.

Two, give humanity a chance.

Someone might surprise you.

Time's up.

Carrie, wait.

You were quite late, so I don't mind

going a couple of minutes over.

I do.

I'm actually in the middle of reading

Foucault's "Archeology of Knowledge."

I highly recommend it, by the way.

And, if you speak to my dad,

please give him the message

that I don't accept his excuses or his apologies

and that hiring me a therapist

is no more a satisfactory replacement

for an actual parent,

than sending me off to college

at an inappropriately young age.

Sorry for being, um--

I completely understand.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You too.

Hey, Carrie. What's up?

Hi, Ronald.

- Do you need a menu? - Oh, sure.

Someone still buys DVDs, huh?

Someone still does, yeah.

And you know what?

I have never had to wait

for the movie to load halfway through the film.

I'll have the soup.

Yeah, sure.

- Hi, there. - Hi.

Look, before you launch into your moves or whatever,

I just want you to know

that I'm not really in the right frame of mind

to make flirty chitchat with a total stranger.

Even though, admittedly, you're quite a cute one.

But I've just-- dealing with being let down

by my dad-- not for the first time.

And I've just had a really tough session

with my therapist.

- Um-- - I'm sorry.

I just wanted to know if I can borrow this chair.

Oh, definitely.

Yes.

Take it. Knock yourself out!

Not with the... chair.

( bell jingles )

Girl: Hey!

Do you want me to pack this to go?

Yes! Please, yes.

( woman speaking on TV )

( didgeridoo drones )

What the hell is that?

Yo! World music guy!

- Hey! - Can you go

and hold your one-man

aborigine festival thing somewhere else?

Like Australia?

Sure.

( ringtone plays )

Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hello, darling, how are you?

Got your message.

You're not coming for Thanksgiving.

Shocker.

Dad: So sorry, darling.

I really thought I could swing it,

but I just can't get away.

It's such an American thing anyways.

I promise I'll be there for Christmas.

Well, it would have been nice

to have a bit more notice.

But listen, I do have good news.

I've found you a job at the law firm

of a friend of mine.

In what world is that good news?

If anything, that is very, very bad news.

But it'll be good for you.

Well, I'm still four years ahead of my peers.

Do you want me to be maladjusted?

It'll be easy, I promise.

It's a night job, proofreading legal briefs.

You love reading.

Not proofreading,

and certainly not legal briefs.

Well, at least it'll be quiet.

You won't have to talk to a soul

if you don't want to.

If you have a better offer, by all means.

What happened to "Take some time"?

Well, it has been a year, darling.

And to be absolutely honest,

it would really help if you could

bring something to the table, so to speak.

Isn't there some other way?

You could get a roommate instead if you prefer.

Okay, fine.

I'll take the job.

( "Morning" by Edvard Grieg plays )

( elevator bell dings )

( phones ringing )

Hello?

( phone ringing continues )

- What you listening to? - Hmm?

Wait, isn't that from Bugs Bunny?

It's "Morning." "Peer Gynt," Edvard Grieg.

I'm pretty sure that's from one of the "Looney Tunes."

Who are you?

- Douglas. - Do you work here?

No, I just didn't have anyone

to spend Thanksgiving with,

so I've been wandering around the building

hoping to find someone to share my turducken.

- ( chuckles ) - Right.

I'm kidding.

You're Carrie Pilby, right?

I might be.

Sometimes when the documents get copied and/or faxed,

the periods end up looking like commas.

And the "Hs" end up looking like "Ks,"

You know, that sort of thing.

No wonder lawyers charge 400 bucks an hour,

they pay people to play "Concentration."

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Douglas got to you first.

I always try to get to the new people

before he does, but he's quick as lighting.

Ooh.

I'm Tara.

Carrie.

I wish I could say he's more

the exception to the rule,

but what can I tell you?

This job attracts a strange breed.

Clearly.

( phone rings )

( chuckles )

You're gonna fit in just fine.

Holidays are a drag, huh?

For some people, yes.

What did you do for yours?

Nothing.

Just-- just went to work.

What? You got a job?

Well, my dad got it for me.

Kind of a consolation prize

for not coming to Thanksgiving.

But I didn't have to eat any dry turkey

or talk to anyone.

Wonderful.

So, how's it going with the list?

What list?

The list we talked about last time.

I have no recollection of this list.

You've got a photographic memory.

- It's selective. - Excuse.

I've been very busy.

Excuse.

I haven't had time to--

- Excuse! - Stop saying--

Excuse.

Well, not to worry.

I made one for you.

Go on, read it.

"Go on a date."

( laughs )

"Make a friend.

Spend New Year's Eve with someone.

Get a pet."

It'll help to have something to care for.

Keep going.

"Do something you loved as a child."

Like what?

Well, it could be anything.

What did you do when you were six

that you don't do anymore?

I wrote several strongly-worded letters

to oil companies when I was six.

Wow, okay.

How about an indulgence

that you no longer allow yourself?

I used to love drinking cherry soda.

Excellent, there you go.

Great, I'll drink a cherry soda

and all my problems will just disappear.

What's next?

"Read favorite book."

Ah! Do you have one?

Yeah, "Franny and Zooey," Salinger.

But I don't have it. I lent it to someone.

Can you get it back?

I don't know.

Well, look, just try.

See how it goes, do what you can,

one at a time.

Why do you want me to do this so much?

Because staying at home in bed all day

won't make you happy.

You need to get out and meet people,

begin some meaningful relationships.

Maybe if you put yourself out there,

doing things you enjoy...

( keyboard clacking )

Hmm, "Franny and Zooey," one of my favorites.

You've got good taste.

Well, welcome

to English 303, the Modernists.

I'm Professor Harrison, and you are a bunch of kids

who think you already know everything

but haven't even got a clue

about what life is really like

beyond the ivy walls.

It's banal, nauseating carousel

of responsibility and disappointments,

one after another.

But, my sweater is soft and the rain

streaking down the window is kinda lovely,

so I guess I won't off myself just yet.

( students chuckling )

The Modernists, especially Joyce and Wolff

were very big on stream of consciousness

techniques in their novels,

and you just got your first lesson in it.

Would anyone like to give it a try?

Say whatever pops into your mind.

"Franny and Zooey," how about you?

Oh, I wouldn't know what to say.

It's not difficult.

You just start with your name,

where you're from, kinda go from there.

My name's Carrie Pilby, I-- well I was born in London

but I moved to New York when I was 12

just after my mom died.

I guess I shouldn't have said that,

'cause now everyone's feeling weird

about the girl whose mom died.

Like I'm Antigone or Harry Potter,

or Bambi or something.

But I'm not a Greek tragedy or a wizard.

( chuckling continues )

And if I was a character in a movie,

I'd like to be Katherine Hepburn,

preferably in a movie where she gives

Spencer Tracy a run for his money.

But I can tell I'm boring you now.

And this is hard, harder than skipping fourth and eighth grade.

But not as hard as skipping second grade,

because going from pencil to pen

- was pretty abrupt. - ( girl chuckles )

Professor Harrison: Excellent.

If you want to use pencil in my class,

you're more than welcome.

Now, anyone else wanna give it a shot?

Man: Carrie? Carrie?

I really believe

that if you do the things on this list,

you're going to feel a lot better about life.

I bet I won't.

So, prove it.

Prove to me that I don't know how

to do my job.

- You're a very odd man. - Thank you.

That's the nicest compliment I've had all day.

Hi.

Davy, I would like a goldfish, please.

We're having a two-for-one special.

I just want one.

But the other one is free.

They're social creatures.

You heard me say I want a fish, right?

Not a chimpanzee.

Fish swim in schools. They like company.

Fish swim in schools because, evolutionarily,

it gives them a better chance of surviving.

My fish is going to be living

in a one bedroom apartment,

not the Great Barrier Reef.

Fine, just give me two fish.

Great!

Woman: Taxi!

( shutter clicks )

( camera whirs )

Carrie: Katherine...

your job is to prove Petrov wrong.

Spencer, your job is to keep Katherine happy.

( man coughs )

Hey!

Get away from there before I call the police!

Why?

One, because you're clearly smoking

something illegal.

And two, because it looks like

you're about to burgle that apartment.

Why would I want to burgle my own apartment?

- You don't live there. - Well, then I definitely

- need to stop paying rent. - No, some other guy

- lives there. - Yeah, my roommate, Ted.

Okay, well, if it's your apartment,

why do you play your didgeridoo

in the street like a crazy hippy?

Because Ted doesn't like me practicing in the apartment.

I can't say I blame him.

You wanna play it?

It might help you relax.

What makes you think I'm not relaxed?

When people's shoulders aren't naturally aligned

with their earlobes like that.

Maybe I'm cold.

Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions

about people you don't know.

Hey listen, I was just razzing you-- I didn't--

...mean anything by it.

I am going to work.

If anyone calls, take a message.

( phones ringing )

Did you just have an orgasm over a cherry soda?

Can you just leave me to drink my soda in peace?

Oh, of course, of course,

I'll let you two have some privacy.

( chuckles )

( shutter clicks )

So, what's your deal? Are you a student?

No, I graduated last year.

From where?

Boston.

Boston University?

No, it was in Cambridge actually.

Emerson, Brandeis, Northeastern...

Harvard.

So, why don't you just say Harvard?

Because when I say Harvard,

people always reply with something asinine,

like, "Say something smart."

Hey, did you know Carrie went to Harvard?

No way. Say something smart.

No, no.

Seriously.

I think the influence

of Kierkegaard on Camus is underestimated,

I believe Hobbes is just Rousseau in a dark mirror,

and I truly believe with Hegel

that transcendence is absorption.

Cool.

I have no idea what you just said,

but you sure sound like a friggin' genius.

I stole that from "Infinite Jest"

by David Foster Wallace.

Oh, come on. Smart and pretty?

You must be killing it out there.

You have a boyfriend?

Is that really your next question?

Okay, so what kind of guy are you looking for?

I'm not looking for any kind of guy.

So, you go for girls?

No, I'm not a lesbian.

Are you a nun?

Good one.

I can't believe you've never had Moroccan.

I've always wanted to try it.

And thanks for inviting me.

Well, I couldn't have you alone

on Thanksgiving, now could I?

What, so you don't take all your students to dinner?

Only my best and brightest.

( chuckles )

Sparkling water for the lady,

and a glass of Barolo for me, please.

Thank you.

You know...

I skipped a grade of school growing up, too.

Yeah, it was so frustrating

knowing that I was smarter

than most of the adults I knew,

and yet they still treated me like a child.

I hated, absolutely hated, being treated like a child.

Yeah, I really hate that too.

Although, I technically was a child

until fairly recently.

Yeah, but you've got an old soul.

And I'm kind of young at heart,

so I guess we meet in the middle.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

Well, cheers.

- ( glasses clink ) - Cheers.

Oh, oh, that's just masterful.

Really, really delicious. How's your water?

It's pedestrian, with a frothy finish.

Would you like to taste my wine?

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay.

First, breathe in the bouquet.

All right, now take a sip.

Let the wine coat your tongue.

Really?

That looks good on you.

What?

The wine. It stained your lips red.

Man #2: It's in every single sexual fantasy I have.

Things are going great, and then right before the main event,

the phone rings.

Man: Do you answer it?

Man #2: No, but it still totally ruins the moment.

So, things get hot and heavy,

but just before intercourse, the phone rings.

Man #2: And then, my penis becomes the size of a nub.

It practically disappears.

I'm like a Ken doll

- with no genitalia-- - Oh, uh--

- Good God. - Sorry.

I thought I was late.

I'm sorry, George.

It is time, in fact.

Let's come back to this next week, shall we?

Oh, we have a couple more minutes remaining.

But we could tack that onto next week?

Absolutely. Thank you, George.

Okay. Thank you, doc.

- Call me. - Carrie!

Carrie!

That was awful.

And I'd appreciate you not listening in

on my sessions.

Sorry, the door was just flat enough for my...

for my ear.

Anyway, I was very eager to get here,

because I have your precious list,

and I'll have you know I've already ticked

two things off.

- Really? - Don't act so surprised.

I'm a very good student, you know.

All right. Well, let's hear it, then.

Okay, firstly...

I'll admit the cherry soda was excellent.

Very good.

The jury's still out on the goldfish.

They don't do much.

Well, when it comes to goldfish,

I'd lower my expectations.

Good start.

Maybe if we can focus on some of these other things.

Carrie.

What's so great about being happy anyway?

There are some brilliant unhappy people.

Kierkegaard, Beethoven,

Van Gough...

Morrissey!

Anyway, I'm not unhappy.

You'd be a lot more convincing

if you could look at me when you say that.

One of these days, you should decide

you're going to let someone get to know you.

You can start by trusting me.

Don't you think

that real companionship would help?

What about going on a date?

Any more thoughts about that?

Why does everyone act like sex is this magical,

happiness cure-all?

I didn't say anything about sex.

Well, then, you're the only one,

because it seems to be the only thing

anyone talks about.

Who's anyone?

Well, people at work, people I overhear in cafes.

That weird little perv who was in here just now,

talking about his disappearing penis.

Please, leave him out of this.

Why can't I go into a grocery store

without being accosted by headlines

claiming 101 ways to have an orgasm.

Wouldn't 50 three-ways be sufficient?

Wouldn't-- wouldn't one?

Well, it's true that sex is a big part of adult life.

If it weren't, the human population

would die out.

But it doesn't mean

that everyone is sex obsessed.

It may seem like that to you now,

but I would gather that if you were older

and had more experience, it wouldn't seem as glaring.

What makes you think

that I'm not sexually experienced?

Are you?

I can have opinions

regardless of whether I myself have had sex.

True, but it's hard to comment

on what it's like to fly in an airplane

if you've never been off the ground.

However, if you have had sexual experiences,

and you want to discuss them--

No thanks. Ew.

Anyway, you can't just go on a date.

You have to be asked.

Not necessarily.

I refuse to troll the Internet for a date.

I don't know, You just might end up

having the most fun you've ever had.

Or I 'll end up locked in a crate

and shipped overseas

to be a Saudi prince's sex slave.

My guess is it'll probably end up

being somewhere in between the two.

"Single male seeks adventurous woman

into hiking..." Blah, blah.

"Single male, 76."

No.

"Single white male, engaged and confused.

Due to be married, but want to test

the waters first."

( scoffs )

That has to be the most inappropriate ad ever posted.

All right. ( clears throat )

( dialing )

I do not need to be judged by you

right now, Katherine.

Petrov said, "Go on a date."

He didn't say it couldn't be to rat out a cheat.

I could find out the name of his fiancée

and warn her. Huh?

Kill two birds with one stone.

Cross off the list,

and catch a hypocrite in the act.

( dials )

( phone rings )

Shh. It's ringing.

( ringing continues )

Man on recording: Hello, this is Matt.

Please leave a message.

( beeps )

Hi, Matt.

You sound really, really cute.

I sympathize fully with your situation.

I'm dating this great guy,

but there's just no chemistry

and I wanna see if I'm right.

When I saw your ad, I thought, well,

this could be discreet way to find out.

Like you said.

My name is...

Gloria Patch.

Gloria Patch.

( mouthing words ) What?

Are last names even allowed?

Maybe that wasn't so discreet.

So yeah, just Gloria.

Call me and we'll go on a date.

Bye!

Okay, that went well.

Thanks for the support.

What do you mean I didn't leave my number?

Damn it!

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Matt: Is-- is that Gloria?

Who?

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

This is Matt, you just called me?

So I did.

But I didn't leave my number.

Oh, it came up on my phone.

Oh, cool.

You sound really great.

- Thanks. - So...

would you like to meet somewhere or something?

Sure.

How about 12:30

at Añejo on 28th?

It's very nice, very atmospheric

and very public.

Well, I don't want too public.

No, no. Of course.

Well, it's not so public that you would be outed,

but public enough that you wouldn't be able

to kill me without witnesses.

Okay. Okay, well, that sounds good.

Okay, great, bye.

What does one wear to expose a cheater?

Not that.

( gasps ) Jesus!

You scared the crap out of me.

How long have you been standing there?

No time at all. I was just about to knock.

Look, I just wanted to apologize

about what I said the other day

about you not being relaxed.

You're right, I don't know you

and I shouldn't have judged.

I'm Cy.

Okay, well, apology accepted, I guess.

Carrie.

I thought maybe I could invite you

to dinner or something.

- What for? - I don't know,

I thought it might be fun.

- Fun? - Yeah, fun.

You've heard of the concept?

I'm familiar with it, yeah.

One of the things that people do

and they indulge in it to divert themselves

from the true realities of existence.

Well, look--

If you ever feel like leaving your apartment--

- Just-- - What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Nothing, just--

You have a reputation around here

for being a bit of a hermit.

Is that right?

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm actually just going now to meet someone.

A male someone.

See how I'm leaving the apartment?

I see, yeah.

You might want to spread the word.

Oh, I'll definitely do that.

Good.

And Carrie--

got some lipstick on your teeth.

( scoffs )

I hate it when that happens.

Hey, party of one?

No, actually, two. I'm meeting someone.

Really? Like, a man?

Yeah, a man.

Okay, cool.

Just look around and see if he's here.

Well, I haven't actually met him before.

I see.

But I know his name. It's Matt.

Matt.

Yeah, I think I know who he is.

- Uh, um-- - Gloria--

Sorry.

That's okay.

( chuckles )

There.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

( clears throat )

Wow.

You're just, uh...

You're much more beautiful than I had expected.

Am I?

Yeah, I thought I would only get

desperate ogresses

applying to an ad in the "Village Rag,"

let alone a woman who's into literature.

How did you know I'm into literature?

Gloria Patch...

from Fitzgerald's underrated masterpiece,

"The Beautiful and the Damned"?

Okay.

I'm a massive geek, sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry. You won't beat me for geekdom.

I'll take that challenge.

- You're on. - Okay.

Should we order some drinks?

I'll just stick to water. Not to be a spoilsport.

No, actually, I don't drink either.

I never saw the point of it.

Oh, well, in my case, it would be illegal.

Really? How-- how old are you?

- Nineteen. - Wow.

So, you-- you're a student?

Ex. I graduated Harvard last year.

No way, I went to M.I.T.

- Did you? - Mathematics.

Hang on, so you must have been 18

when you graduated?

That math degree came in handy, huh?

Well, that was a little thing called subtraction.

Have you guys decided?

I'll just-- a quesadilla with water.

And I'll have a diet Coke and a cheese enchilada.

Great. I'll take your menus.

Coming up.

A diet Coke?

Yeah, I'm just trying

to keep the weight off before the...

Yeah, so, I'm surprised

that someone from Harvard reads the personals.

How else should I find a man?

Wait for our eyes to meet

while trying to solve Fermat's theorem?

Well, Fermat's was already solved in 1994.

Well, one nil to you.

( chuckles )

- Asshat. - Shit for brains.

Woman: Dwayne, Joshua...

I just used to get called dork.

We actually had a kid whose last name was Dork.

But it didn't really hurt him, though.

He was way too good-looking.

Well, luckily, he didn't have a first name like Dick.

It was Dick, his first name.

Dick Dork was a person's name that you knew?

- Dick Dork. - Well, I'm gonna have to come to your apartment

and look at your yearbooks

to make sure you're not lying to me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Was it just me or did you find

everyone in high school stultifying?

Yes, in fact if you used that word,

"stultifying," in front of them,

they would have shouted SAT word!

- SAT word! - Yes.

- I remember that. - Yeah?

And the teachers were lousy too.

Well, actually,

two of them are coming to my wedding.

( clears throat )

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I was just playing

- with my napkin-- - No, no, no.

What are you doing here? I mean, what's with the ad?

Oh, uh...

My fiancée and I got together

when we were really young,

and I love her.

I do, but I--

I just sometimes think something's missing,

and I don't wanna do the wrong thing,

so I'm just looking for clarity.

Does that make any sense

or do I just sound like a total dick?

The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

When's the big day?

February 4th.

Oh, excuse me!

Hey!

( coughs ) I'm choking!

Oh, I thought you didn't drink.

and I thought you'd be a creep.

Would that have helped?

Frankly, yes.

I came here with the intention of exposing you.

What do you mean?

I read your ad,

and as a member of the female gender

and people with integrity everywhere,

it pissed me off.

So, I thought I'd make a date with you,

find out about your girlfriend,

and then tell her she's about to marry a cheat.

- Oh, my God. - What do you expect?

You're getting married in two months,

you're trying to meet girls in classified ads.

- That-- - I thought I'd find a narcissistic rat bag,

not some handsome, charming, smart--

you need to be honest with her.

I know, I know. You're right and I--

I just want to be clear about

how I'm feeling before I do that.

Are you clearer now?

No.

Well, I'm glad to have helped.

Good luck with the nuptials...

I guess.

Or not.

Woman: Oh, yeah.

You liked him, didn't you?

Whether I did or not is irrelevant.

He's engaged. And that is that.

You should definitely see him again.

What is it about the word engaged

- that you don't get? - He's not even married yet.

What's the problem?

Even if he were married, who cares?

I care!

I try very hard

not to be engaged in activities

that are harmful to myself or others.

Okay, you don't think it's gonna hurt you

to not get to hang out with someone you like?

You don't think it hurts to deny yourself

the possibility of love?

Okay, next time you see Matt,

ask him his fiancée's middle name.

There won't be a next time.

Why?

Because guys don't usually

pay attention to details like that.

But if they're in love, they do.

They've been together forever,

of course he's gonna know her middle name.

So, it's a good test then, isn't it?

And if he doesn't know it, I'd say he's fair game.

Yo, yo, yo. What's up?

What are you guys-- what are you talking about?

Oh, you know, clothes, makeup, boys.

Hmm. Sorry I missed that.

So, are you going to see the legend tomorrow night?

Who?

My recently ex-boyfriend is playing a gig at Natto's.

Why is he your ex?

Because he chose to go off with some whore,

that's why.

And she is so not his type.

Yeah, he much prefers sluts to whores.

What's his name?

His name is Dex and he's a jerk.

But he's amazing.

Like, his tongue should be registered

as a national treasure.

( chokes )

Hey, you should come.

Douglas: You-- you should totally go.

Sure, why not?

Hey, that's my philosophy too.

Thank you so much for going.

I cannot watch another Dex show.

♪ Never really felt bad about it ♪

♪ As we drank deep from the lie ♪

♪ 'Cause I felt melting magnets... ♪

Uh, hi. Vodka, straight up.

Actually, what's the one

all the sorority girls drink,

the one that makes you really drunk?

- Oh, rum. - Rum, double.

I.D.?

Can I-- can I give you my I.Q. instead?

185?

Surely I can be better trusted with alcohol

than older, less intelligent people.

Are you 21?

Alcohol is an organic compound

in which the hydroxyl group is bound to a carbon atom

so that the chemical makeup of the ethanol

in your slightly toxic wares

is C2H 5OH.

I think I can handle it.

- Hey, just lie. - I'm not a liar.

Well, he's not going to give you a drink

unless you do.

Well, you know what? Morality is inconvenient.

Coke, please. Regular, not that diet shit.

Okay, you're feisty tonight.

I like it.

But at least let me, like...

- ( muttering ) - Wait, can--

Why can't people just like me for who I am?

Nobody likes anybody for who they are.

That's why we have to pretend

to be better than who we are

and then let people find out the truth later,

you know, once they've already invested.

That makes you sound like a psychopath.

Okay, well--

Mm. It's spiked.

Wow, looks like she is a genius.

Finally, the recognition I've been craving.

Maybe-- maybe that was a move.

I don't get why people are so sex obsessed.

It's like a national epidemic.

Because sex is freaking fantastic.

It's not that great.

The kissing part maybe, but the main event

is nothing to be obsessed about.

Yes, I win!

I knew you weren't a virgin.

What do you mean "you win"?

- Win what? - Just a bet with Dougie.

About my virginity?

It's not about your virginity, okay?

I made some money. Be happy for me.

Your problem is you haven't had sex with the right person.

There's a lot of good, clean sex going on out there.

And by clean, I mean dirty, okay?

And just because people like to do it,

doesn't mean that they're obsessed.

Do you think people are sleep obsessed

because they like to sleep every day?

You have to sleep for survival.

Some people screw for survival!

Sleep obsession doesn't hurt anyone!

Neither does sex,

if it's between two consenting adults.

The Victorians forced people

to deny their natural desires--

Shouldn't our natural desires sometimes be denied?

Like, what if your natural desire

is to step on a baby?

Okay, yeah, you-- you have a point.

- Like, stepping on babies... - Bad!

...should be avoided at all costs.

I just think that people make an awful lot of excuses

to indulge in bad behavior

on the pretext that "I wanted to do it,"

or "if we're discreet, it won't hurt anyone."

Humans are hypocrites.

And that's what makes us so bloody interesting.

( chuckles )

What language was that?

That's how you speak. That's how you come off.

You should know that about yourself.

Oh, my God. What is this?

Is this a bucket list?

You aren't dying, are you?

Because I do not have the emotional maturity

to deal with a terminal friend right now.

It's not a bucket list.

Then what is it?

I see a therapist.

He made it for me to help me be happier.

Oh, honey, you don't need a list for that.

I'll help you.

Okay, I'm having a New Year's Eve Party,

for one thing.

You should definitely come.

Also, you should call up that bad boy from the paper

and give him the bang of his life.

He'll leave that twit he's with,

and you'll never be lonely again.

Do you seriously think that?

It's not your job

to be everyone's moral guardian.

If you like the guy, that's between you and him.

- ( feedback buzzes ) - He's the one with the fiancée.

That's for him to deal with.

Not you.

Ooh, there he is. Okay, okay.

Do they say, like,

"Get off the stage and do me?"

Yes, but not in a good way.

How can it not be in a good way?

( playing guitar )

( audience cheers )

Dex, I love you, you asshole!

( punk music playing )

I have to go.

I know! He's so good, right?

( Dex singing ) ♪ I put my foot down

♪ And I stomp on the pavement ♪

♪ I'm a wire through a plaster wall. ♪

( music continues )

Professor Harrison: What are you thinking about?

How even if I started now,

and dedicated my life to reading,

I wouldn't get through a fraction

of all of the books ever written.

You fascinate me, Carrie Pilby,

you know that?

I find you completely and utterly enchanting.

Why thank you,

professor from a 1950s black and white movie.

And so...

You know when I say things like that--

you're brilliant,

or that I think you're beautiful,

it's because I really mean that.

I'm not trying to flatter you.

What's your favorite version of Faust?

Don't change the subject.

- No? - No.

♪ Come with me

♪ Come and see

♪ The chill, the hush and glimmering ♪

♪ Of green the mountain stream... ♪

What is this? I've never heard it before.

You have an insatiable appetite

for learning.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be.

♪ Under the moon so round ♪

♪ The moon so round

♪ Anyway

♪ There's really not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day... ♪

Wait here, one minute.

♪ There's really not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day. ♪

( dialing )

( beeping )

Dad, he's cheating.

You know your friend you hired to try and fix me,

well, he's doing it with a married woman.

Woman: Hello, Carrie.

Your father just stepped away for a moment.

Sorry, who's this?

I thought I called my dad.

No, you did, you did.

Then who are you?

Oh, dear, I probably

should not have picked up the phone.

This wasn't how I wanted us to meet.

But I did want to let you know

how excited I am that you'll be

joining us here for Christmas.

The kids are practically wild

with anticipation--

The kids?

- What? - Woman: Oh, Daniel,

please tell me you have told her about us.

Carrie: Told me what?

Oh, God.

Hello, darling.

- What's the matter? - Told me what?

What haven't you told me that this woman

and her children know that I don't...

apart from that you're not coming to New York for Christmas!

Well, it was meant to be a surprise, darling.

I've got the ticket so that you could come here.

To London?

But that's a shit surprise.

You know I hate London.

And anyway, you promised

we'd always have Christmas here

in New York.

You know, darling, life doesn't always

work out as we-- as we plan it.

We have to adapt.

But why?

And when were you gonna tell me?

And when are you ever gonna stop lying?

I thought it was too long a conversation

to have on the phone, and so I decided

- I'll wait till you-- - And then what?

When exactly was the perfect time to tell me

that you're abandoning our Christmas tradition

because of some woman you're shagging,

and her kids are obviously more important.

Now, Carrie, that is not the way it is.

Matter of fact, Fliss and I

are going to be married.

I'm sorry, it sounded like

you just said you were getting married.

I did.

I am.

We are.

So, when you come over,

we can have a long luncheon, talk everything through,

and I'll explain all to you.

You get to meet Fliss.

I don't want to meet Fliss.

( stammering ) Darling...

we can sort this out--

Go sort yourself!

( ringtone plays )

( phone rings )

( clatters )

( knocking on door )

Hi.

I can't believe you called.

Neither can I.

- Allow me. - Oh.

- I'm glad you did. - Mm.

Thank you.

♪ Bring me back

♪ Bring me back to you... ♪

This is a nice place.

Ah, thanks.

Can I get you something to--

Where is she?

She's at a meeting in Westchester

with some guy at Craft.

She opened her own advertising firm

and he is a friend of her dad's,

so she thinks he might throw her a bone.

Is that a euphemism?

What? Oh, God, no!

What if he did throw her a bone?

Would you-- would you be upset?

Maybe.

I mean, I'm not sure...

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

♪ Brings me back to you... ♪

So, are we doing this, then?

We do seem to be, yeah.

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

♪ Wanna be your man, girl... ♪

Mmm-hmm.

( chuckles )

♪ Every time that I leave ♪

♪ I'm chasing the wind... ♪

It's a great bookcase.

Yup.

That's where we keep all the books.

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

♪ Brings me back to you ♪

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

Wow, where did you even learn how to kiss like that?

Harvard.

Damn, I don't think M.I.T. had that course.

- You're doing okay. - Okay.

♪ Wanna be your man

♪ Oh, love

♪ I wanna be your man ♪

♪ Your man

♪ Your man

♪ Oh, do you...

( laughs )

Is this--

is this your first time unbuttoning a girl's shirt?

No, but it's my first time

unbuttoning a man's shirt from this angle.

I'm actually wearing a guy's shirt?

I believe so, yeah.

- How can you tell? - The buttons.

Buttons on the left for a woman,

buttons on the right for men.

Look.

- Oh... my God, - Watch this.

how did I not know this?

( chuckles )

See? You can't see,

but I had my eyes closed for second.

( laughs )

- Um-- - What?

- What's the matter? - Is that her?

Yes, it is.

She's watching us.

No, no she isn't. It's just a photo.

It's just a photo.

♪ Stand by me

♪ And we're perfect

♪ Just like you...

Wait, stop.

She spelled "too" wrong.

♪ You make me so happy... ♪

Uh--

Yeah...

Yeah, she's a terrible speller.

Let's-- why don't we

just close our eyes and just try to relax?

Okay?

Oh-- I-- I feel dizzy.

Okay.

I knew we shouldn't have tried to do this at my place.

All the photos and stuff are a real mood killer.

You know what else is a mood killer?

Having a fiancée.

Get-- my-- ( mumbles )

How are you going to say vows,

sacred vows in front of everyone you know,

that you will honor and love and cherish this woman,

forsaking all others,

when you clearly don't respect her,

which is the foundation of all of those things?

You're not going to leave her, are you?

I-- I really like you.

I really think we could be good together.

You deserve to be stimulated by someone

who's on equal footing with you, and so do I.

Then end this facade of an engagement.

I will!

I mean, you know, I might.

I just met you!

Not for me! For you, for her!

Look, I thought that you wanted this.

Just because you want something,

doesn't make it right.

Oh, Jesus, Pollyanna.

This is real life.

Real life is complicated.

Don't be such a child.

Professor Harrison: I think this has been

my best semester ever, Carrie.

Me too.

Oh, I forgot, I have something for you.

Oh, yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

It's um--

it's more of a loan than a gift.

I thought you might like to read

the first edition version.

But, I need it back

because it's really special to me.

How sweet, thank you.

I promise I'll take good care of it.

You make me happy, you know that?

You make me happy too.

Um...

You know what would really, really make me happy?

What's that?

If you could say this one thing for me...

What thing?

( whispering )

I can't say that.

Why not?

Come on, you're such a quick learner.

And it's just one little thing.

You only have to say it once.

You can-- I mean, you can start slow.

It won't sound right. It won't sound like me.

Sure it will.

Just say it.

What do you want?

I...

I can't. It's too embarrassing.

Are you serious?

Why can't you just do what I ask?

Because I don't want to.

And frankly, I find it a bit demeaning.

It's not demeaning, it's fun.

Not for me, it isn't.

You know what? I tried.

But if you can't just do this one thing for me, then--

Then what?

Jesus, David, why are you acting like

such psycho about this?

Don't be such a child, Carrie.

I'll call you a cab.

( phone rings )

( clatters )

Shit!

No!

No, no, no, no.

( exclaims )

Katherine!

Ugh!

I'm sorry!

( whimpers )

I don't understand.

I need you to take him back.

We can't accept returns.

He's all alone. I can't do that to him.

And you're the one that told me

that fish were social.

I already killed his friend,

I don't wanna kill him too.

You killed who?

Katherine. It was an accident.

Did you eat her?

What? No. What?

Lots of people eat goldfish on dares.

That is insane. Please, take him back.

But don't let anyone eat him.

I told you. No refunds or returns.

I don't want my money back.

Just have a heart, it's Christmas Eve.

Oh...

Store policy.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Be free! Make friends!

Have a life.

You can't do that. Take him back.

I don't know which one is which.

( chuckles ) I'm calling my manager.

Merry Christmas, Spencer.

( shouts )

( screams )

( knocking on window )

( knocking continues )

Is everything okay?

What?

I heard screaming.

Oh, no! That was the television.

Oh, okay.

Has your roommate put you outside again?

Yeah, but if you don't want me to,

- I could-- - Oh, no, that's fine.

You go ahead.

I'll be here...

obviously.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do you want to go for a walk?

I mean, it is Christmas Eve.

Normal people don't like to spend it alone.

How would you know what normal people do?

That's just what I'm told.

Don't you have to practice blowing indeterminate sounds

out of a large piece of wood?

I could do with a break.

So, do you live alone?

- I do. - Lucky girl.

My roommate Ted is insane.

- Really? - He barely says a word.

And when he does speak, it's invariably to lie.

It's actually incredible.

I've never met anyone like him.

How long have you lived there?

A few months.

I was roughing it, living in a basement

down in South Jersey for a while,

just waiting till I got a job

so I could move to the city.

I didn't want to come here

and be owing money to friends,

or having to live with four annoying roommates.

- You know? - Now you just have one annoying roommate?

( chuckles ) That's a victory from where I'm standing.

And you actually have a job

playing the didgeridoo?

There can't be too many of them

- going around. - Well, I don't

just play the didgeridoo.

Oh, what else do you play?

Just some other instruments.

Like what?

You really want to know?

Otherwise I wouldn't be asking.

Okay, let's see...

Flute, clarinet, trumpet, trombone, tuba,

saxophone, guitar, piano, drums, bassoon,

harmonica, and the triangle.

I'm actually pretty killer on the triangle.

And the didgeridoo.

I'm still learning that one, but yeah.

Did you study music in college?

Yeah, at Berklee.

Do you like music?

I'd be a weird person if I didn't like music.

I used to listen to old records

at my grandmother's when I was a kid.

I was actually quite odd

when I was younger, you know.

Impossible.

( bell dinging )

Who's your favorite musician?

John Coltrane at the moment.

Nice.

You heard of him?

He's kind of famous.

You'd be surprised by how many people

have never said that.

Knowledge is kind of my thing.

Oh, yeah?

So, were you one of those head-down

academic types in high school?

You could say that, yeah.

And I'll bet you were in every after school society.

Not every one.

Just Harvard Model Congress,

Excellent Exegists, Mathletes, College Bowl.

Wow. You really were a nerd.

Well, that's something coming from a band geek.

Touché.

What's your actual job?

I play, um...

I play clarinet for the New York Philharmonic.

But I mean, I just started,

so it's-- it's nothing.

That's incredible.

Your parents must be so proud of you.

You know, you'd have thought they would be,

but the truth is they really don't get it at all.

My...

my dad wanted me

to do something more practical,

I guess.

Ever since I tried to explain to him

that music's my thing, he pretty much refuses

to engage in any discussion about it.

That's awful.

How do you deal with that?

I don't know. I didn't for a long time.

And then one day I just thought,

"Screw this," you know?

I have one life and I'm allowed to be happy.

You know?

He'll come around if he comes around.

Yeah.

My dad has a whole new family.

I just hate the feeling that I've disappointed him.

Has he disappointed you?

Mmm-hmm.

But that doesn't mean you don't love him, does it?

No, no, no, of course not.

So, maybe it's the same for him?

I mean, I'm sure he loves you.

What's not to love?

So, uh...

what about you?

- What do you do? - Oh, proofreader.

Professional, though.

Not one of those amateurs you hear about.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure.

I'm not like you.

I don't have it figured out yet.

Well, when you do,

I've got a feeling

you're gonna set the world alight.

What makes you say that?

That's just what my gut says.

Do you wanna dance?

No, no.

I dance like a rhythmless four-year-old.

No, no. Seriously.

You'll have images you won't ever be able

to get out of your head, like when you see

- a really bad horror movie. - I love horror movies.

Seriously, no.

I won't take no for an answer.

Here, come on.

- Oh... - Come on.

Okay, okay. You asked for it.

All right.

Here. Put your arm here.

( laughs )

- Are you ready? - Mmm-hmm.

You're freezing.

No, it's okay.

Here. Take my coat.

Thanks.

Looks good.

Is this yours?

Yeah, Salinger. You read it?

What am I saying? Of course you have.

Um-- I-- I have to go.

Go where?

There's just something I have to do really quickly.

Would you mind if I borrowed this?

I'll bring it back tomorrow.

You're really close by.

Of course.

- No problem. - Thank you.

It's been really nice.

You're not nearly as bad as I thought you were.

( laughs )

( dial tone )

( dialing )

( phone rings )

Woman: Merry Christmas!

Hello?

Is David there?

Who is this?

Carrie.

Who?

Can I just please speak to David?

Professor Harrison: Carrie?

I want my book back.

What book?

The one I lent you.

My first edition of "Franny and Zooey."

Yeah, I'm right in the middle of hosting

a Christmas party.

Can we discuss this next month when I get back to my office?

Could you please just do this one thing for me?

Well, I'll tell you what.

If I find it, I'll be sure to let you know, okay?

Merry Christmas, Carrie.

( dial tone )

Okay...

God... I'm not going to lie.

I don't really believe you exist.

So, I don't really know what I'm doing,

or who I'm talking to,

but anyway, I just thought I might

at least let you know in the unlikely event

that you did exist,

what my requests would be this Christmas.

It won't take long, I promise.

So, firstly,

I'd like things to be better

for the homeless, the old, the sick,

and anyone who's not doing so great.

I'm sorry for when I judge people.

And I'm sorry for the not-so-good things

I've done lately.

It just seems kind of hard to avoid doing them.

But I'll try and do better, I promise.

Oh, and this might sound really petty,

but could you please help everyone learn

how to pronounce "In Excelsis Deo" correctly?

Thanks.

And...

I know...

that my mom probably isn't up there with you,

but if she was, I just want her to know

that I really, really, really miss her.

And I know that my dad does too.

As for him, I'm just tired of fighting.

I just really wish everything

could be like it was before.

So, anyway, that's it I guess.

Amen.

Oh, and happy birthday.

( doorbell buzzes )

I know it's Christmas,

so you don't have to work, even though you're Jewish,

and technically you don't celebrate,

but we need to talk.

Are you okay?

Not really, no.

And I'm sorry to interrupt your non-holiday,

but I couldn't wait another week to tell you

that your list is crap.

- All right, just hold on-- - No. I will not hold on.

I need you to listen to me.

Because of you, I am a fish murderer.

Even worse, I almost slept with an engaged guy.

And I am more confused than ever.

Like, is it so wrong for me

to do what is right and be happy?

Because if so, I am destined to be

a miserable person, list or no list.

Carrie, stop. Please, come inside--

I know what you're going to say.

You're gonna say I can't say the list is crap

because I haven't finished it yet.

But the thing is, I can't finish it

because I left my "Franny and Zooey"

at Professor Harrison's.

- Okay, so get it back. - I told you, I can't!

I don't need to finish the list to know that,

shocker-- drinking a cherry soda

will not make my dad pay attention to me.

Having a goldfish won't bring my mom back.

It did help me learn, though, that going on a date

could make me feel more lonely than ever.

You know what I think? I think you're the one who needs a list.

And it should have things on it like,

"Don't have affairs with married women."

- Now wait a minute. - And fine, you're an adult,

so you can do what you like, but so can I.

And just because I don't want to do

demeaning or immoral things doesn't make me a prude.

I mean, a prude wouldn't sleep with

her English professor, would she?

You slept with your English professor?

Dad!

Petrov: I tried to tell you.

What are you doing here?

What-- what is he doing here?

I was worried about you.

Obviously, I had a very good reason to.

- Why didn't you call? - I did call.

You didn't pick up your phone.

Because my phones are broken!

Where's your new family?

Did you ship them off too,

so you didn't have to deal with them?

That's not fair, Carrie.

What he did to me isn't fair.

That didn't stop him.

Go home, Dad.

I came so that you wouldn't have to go

to London,

which you seem to hate.

No, I don't hate London, I hate you!

And I hate this stupid list!

( sighs )

Well...

that went well.

Give her some time.

Hi.

Wasn't sure if you'd remember.

It's been such long time.

I'm a prodigy, aren't I?

I think I can remember the simple phrase,

"If you get lost,

I'll meet you at Hans Christian Andersen."

Poor guy.

Never found love.

Wrote all those books for children

and never had any of his own.

Mm.

Might be a good thing.

If he had them, he undoubtedly

would have disappointed them.

I really want you to like Felicity.

I should have told you.

But I thought that if you met her first,

then she and and her kids, you'd give them

a bit more of a chance.

When your mother got sick,

I felt that I had failed her somehow.

My whole reason for being

was to take care of her, and you.

And then I got really terrified

that I was going to fail you as well.

So, I thought that you would be better off

with people who understood how to teach you.

I mean, you were so far ahead of your classmates.

You were brilliant.

And I thought if you went to college,

you'd meet people who were of like mind.

I was 14.

I was a freak.

What about the English teacher?

Made me feel like less of one.

At the beginning at least.

Did he... hurt you?

No, no, it wasn't like that.

You can press charges.

Dad, I don't think you can press charges

for hurting someone's feelings.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact that you were underage.

I was 16.

That's the legal age of consent.

And anyway, he never forced me.

He manipulated you.

He used his position.

I'm gonna have him fired.

Well, he's teaching at Columbia now,

so it looks like someone beat you to it.

I just wish the bastard would give me my book back.

- What book? - "Franny and Zooey."

Don't you remember?

Mom gave me a first edition

for my 12th birthday.

Oh, yes.

So she did.

You lent him that book?

I thought he'd appreciate it.

I thought he'd appreciate me.

Right, that's it.

Come on, let's go.

Where?

We're gonna get your book back.

- What? - Where's he live?

Dad, I really don't think--

Carrie, where does he live?

Hi.

Hi.

Is David here?

Professor Harrison: Who is it, Amanda?

There's a girl here to see you.

Carrie.

What an unexpected pleasure.

This is Amanda, my wife.

Carrie Pilby, a student.

Ex-student.

You got married?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

I'm Daniel Pilby, Carrie's father.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

We've come to get a book

that your husband's been kind enough

to look after for me.

Oh, yeah, the book.

Well, it's somewhere inside the house.

As soon as I have a chance, I'll find it,

and I'll put it in the mail.

Why don't we save you the trouble

and have a quick look ourselves?

Excuse me.

I already told you, I don't know where it is.

But you said yourself it must be here somewhere.

Hello.

Do you mind?

No, not at all.

We won't be a moment.

Happy Christmas.

Same to you.

Library.

♪ Good tidings to you

♪ Wherever you are...

- We've got guests. - They seem very nice.

Oh!

♪ ...And a Happy New Year

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas... ♪

- Look! - Ah!

There!

That wasn't so difficult after all.

Will that be all?

Well, there is one small thing.

Yes?

- ( grunts ) - ( guests gasp )

( guests mutter )

Borrowing a book and not returning it

is the height of rudeness.

- You son of a-- - Yeah.

Come along, Carrie.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas... ♪

Man: Who was this guy?

It looks good on you.

- What? - The blood.

Turns your lips red.

♪ ...New Year.

( song ends )

- ( laughs ) - Are you okay?

I think-- I think I've broken something.

Bloody worth it, though, eh?

Let me see. Let me see.

I think you're gonna be okay.

I missed you.

And I missed you too.

So, so much.

And I'm so sorry for everything.

It's okay.

But you need to stop trying to get me sorted.

I'm 19.

I'm not supposed to be sorted yet.

Okay.

I come in peace.

Carrie, hi.

I wasn't sure if you'd show up

for your appointment today.

Did your dad leave?

Yeah, he did.

I miss him already.

You can go back to sleep if you want.

No, no. I was just a little tired.

Long night?

You do realize it's not appropriate for me

to discuss my personal life with you.

I think it would really help me

if you did.

All right.

What do you want to know?

Was there ever a time

when you thought that cheating was wrong?

Of course. I still do.

Then how do you justify it? Don't you feel bad?

Yes.

No.

All of the above.

I do part-time consulting for Cheryl's agency.

She works with abused children.

We spent a lot of time together.

I invited her for coffee.

We talked, we talked more.

We wanted to spend more time together.

I suppose I am

what you might call a hypocrite.

It must bring you great joy to hear me say that.

No, no. It doesn't.

Her husband doesn't show her any affection.

- That's an excuse. - He's always gone.

- Excuse. - He's been cheating.

- Excuse. - And maybe--

Excuse!

( sighs )

Maybe she'll leave him?

Excuse.

I just came to let you know

that my dad and I made up.

I'm very glad.

And, okay.

He helped me to get this back.

"Franny and Zooey."

And as we often say in my profession,

how did that make you feel?

Like maybe I should finish that silly,

or not so silly,

list that I threw in your general direction?

Oh, I was hoping you'd say that.

You saved it.

Just in case.

I have a photographic memory, remember?

Thank you.

So, what are you going to do about Mrs. Rubin?

I don't know.

Contrary to what the degrees on the wall may imply,

I don't have all the answers.

I wouldn't trust anyone who thought that they did.

Maybe you need to make her a list.

"Five ways to leave her husband."

( both laugh )

You know, sometimes...

you really remind me of your mother.

Thanks.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Compliment intended.

You are allowed to be happy, Carrie.

You know that, don't you?

Your mom would want that for you.

( shutter clicks )

Shit.

Carrie!

Oh, thank God!

I thought you might never speak to me again

after I abandoned you at Dex's gig.

How can I ever make it up to you?

You already did.

You helped me cross something off my list.

I did? Which one?

Make a friend.

- Oh! - Oh, okay.

You're hurting me a little bit.

Oh, come on.

I want to introduce you to Dex.

- Dex? Dex-Dex? - Yeah.

What, "Nationally registered tongue" Dex?

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, sorry!

( muttering )

Oh, Carrie, this is Dex.

Dex, this is Carrie.

Hi, nice to meet you!

Yeah, you too.

Oh, uh--

He seems... nice.

Yeah, he is.

I'll call you. We'll go for lunch.

Oh, oh! I would love that.

Well, see you later!

Okay.

Pilby!

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Are you wearing eye makeup?

It looks good.

Hey, what's the square root of 6,023?

Seventy-five.

You're a freaking genius!

- I made it up. - Like, what's the equation?

What special equations do you use?

You know what, I'll tell you on Monday.

You're leaving?

I have a party limit, and I'm all partied out.

But I'll see you later. Happy New Year.

Male reporter: What a scene here in Times Square!

Hundreds of thousands of people crammed in here.

Very excited, counting down to midnight.

Female reporter: That's a no brainer! Absolutely.

Man: Well, I'd like to get in the hot tub already.

- I'm so cold right now! - You're cold?

Are you kidding, it's 40 degrees. Try living in Minnesota.

- Should they get in the hot tub? - Woman #2: They should

because we're freezing and we would love

to get in the hot tub.

Woman: You're from Phoenix!

Woman #2: Should they get in the hot tub?

Male reporter: Yes, you ladies get in the hot tub quick!

- Get in the hot tub! Come on, get in the hot tub. - Fuck it.

Hey.

Hi. You must be Ted.

Is Cy in?

Moved out.

What?

When?

Yesterday.

Oh, okay.

Um...

- Well-- - Bye-bye, then.

Oh, okay, um--

Well, is there any way that I could--

Happy New Year.

Is it--

( footsteps approach )

What is the matter with you?

Can you not stop lying for one minute?

Hey, sorry.

You see what I mean? The guy's a compulsive liar.

You literally can't believe a word he says.

Nice tux.

Oh, yeah. We had a concert.

I just got back.

You didn't wanna go out after?

New Year's Eve isn't really my thing.

Me neither.

Do you want to come in?

If that's okay.

Yeah, I think that could be okay.

Actually, would you mind waiting here one second?

There's just something I have to do

really, really quickly.

I'll be-- I'll be one minute.

Okay.

( knocking on window )

You're always disappearing.

Sorry, I thought I left the stove on.

That's okay.

This is a much better spot anyway.

Spot?

To watch the fireworks.

They're about to start.

Here, take my hand.

It's freezing.

I'd loan you my coat,

but someone forgot to return it.

Oh, right.

Oh, I'm sorry. Shall I pop in and grab it?

You just stay right here, Carrie Pilby.

So, what's Cy short for?

Cyrus.

What about Carrie?

Nothing.

It's just Carrie.

What's your middle name?

( music playing )

( rock music playing )

♪ Go on, make a mistake ♪

♪ Come on, let's jump in a lake ♪

♪ It's your favorite song ♪

♪ Watching the sky turn blue ♪

♪ You always know where to find me ♪

♪ I used to do nothing of the kind ♪

♪ See, I'm just sitting here on this fence ♪

♪ Watching the sky turn blue ♪

♪ Don't you think it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine down on you ♪

♪ Leave the take, I'll take the kids ♪

♪ In the middle of my coffee break ♪

♪ You'll find me on the Ferris wheel ♪

♪ Watching the sky turn blue ♪

♪ Don't you think it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine down on you ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Don't you think it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Don't you think it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ Don't you think it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine down on you ♪

♪ Watching the sky turn blue ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Sun shine down...

( "In The Hall of The Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg plays )

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