All language subtitles for 8.Out_.Of_.10.Cats_.S22E04.PDTV_.x264-UK

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats,

she's a TV gem, it's Gemma Collins!

Swing low, sweet Harriet,

it's Harriet Kemsley!

And Rob Beckett, their team captain.

And facing them tonight,

don't hate the player,

it's Jordan Stephens!

Stand-up guy,

it's Fin Taylor!

And Katherine Ryan,
their team captain.

Now, welcome your host,

Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr!

Hey!

Hello and welcome
to 8 Out of 10 Cats,

a show about opinion polls,
surveys and statistics.

Did you know, for example,

17% of Brits think it's acceptable
to go outside in your pyjamas?

I popped out in my pyjamas
the other day.

My girlfriend said,
"Pop yourself back in, Jimmy."

One in 20 Brits say
they openly pick their nose.

I saw Katherine pick her nose.

Out of a catalogue.

One in three men say
they never dance.

They say you can tell how someone
has sex from the way they dance.

That's why I only ever dance
alone in my room whilst wearing

one of my dead mum's dresses.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's get started.

What Are You Talking About?
That's the name of our first round.

It's our panellists' job
to guess the British public's

top three most popular
talking points.

Katherine's team, what do you think

the nation have been talking about
the last week?

Hmm, it's got to be Megxit.

Meghan and Harry have left
the UK to go to Canada.

They would rather live on
Vancouver Island

with cougars, wolves, black bears.

The Royal family is bad!

You remember how happy Prince Harry
looked in Afghanistan?

He went for a break!

- So, Harry and Meghan have moved to
Canada. - Yup. - And we've got you.

Yup.

It makes perfect sense though,
because obviously,

Meghan felt that the UK media
coverage was racist,

and obviously Canada's
a very liberal country

and in Justin Trudeau, they got the
first black Prime Minister, so...

LAUGHTER

But let it be a lesson to us all,
ladies, do not do what Doria did.

She is a fine woman from a good
family, Meghan's mother.

Everyone likes her, she is still
involved with the couple,

and then she went out, she saw some
daytime television lighting

director, banged him, and now
he's a whole world of trouble.

And she and I have a similar talent.

I also have the superpower,
actually - it's kind of a secret -

I can take garbage cum
and turn it into a princess.

LAUGHTER

And so can Doria.

You've got to research.

If you're going to have
unprotected sex,

you need to deep dive on the family.

You need to know who he is
and where he's from.

Otherwise, generations later,
you got Thomas Markle up your ass.

You're not going to get
pregnant like that!

I read that they announced,

or they discussed the departure
in a Royal family WhatsApp group,

and now I can't stop imagining
that the Queen's WhatsApp name

is just a crown emoji.

Imagine that,
as Prince Philip's typing -

"Oh, fuck."

Rob, what do you think?

Um, the thing is,
they've had their title stripped,

they're not HRH any more.

That's gone.

So, does it mean that stuff
like the brown sauce has got

more of a royal seal of approval
than Prince Harry now?

I'm not sure about BROWN sauce.

Yeah, OK, should have picked
a different sauce.

- Of all the sauces...
- Of all the sauces!

Prince Philip's going, "I'm not
having brown sauce in this house!"

- GC. - Yes. - GC, the GC.
Great to have you here. - Thank you.

What do you make of this
Harry and Meghan thing?

Because they don't like
the press attention.

Um, I feel that the best thing
they can do - ultimately in life,

all you want is to see people happy,
if they're happy in Canada,

- let them go to Canada.
- That's lovely. - That's how I feel.

OK. Good.

Let them go and do a day's hard work
and see what we all have to do.

Whoa, whoa, hang on...

- What was the last day's work
that you did? - Jimmy!

I suppose you fucked Arg, yeah.

- Jimmy! - That didn't take a day.

- Did you have a lot of paparazzi
following you? - All the time!

I've had to move three times.

- I always give people a fake
address now. - Do you? - Yeah.

How do they get to your house?

- LAUGHTER
- Well, well...

That's a good question. Sometimes I
get followed, I have been followed.

- You know... - Sometimes they just
follow the Deliveroo driver.

Yeah, yeah!

Me and Stormzy are the only people
in the UK to have a Deliveroo

- platinum card. - Deliveroo platinum?
Tell me everything about this!

Cos it used to be
the thing was, like,

the Nando's black card was the shit.
What's this?

- It's only me and Stormzy, it's...
- Do you have to eat together? - No, no!

- I'd love to eat with Stormzy. - What
do you get, is it free Deliveroo?

I think it's something like
£12,000 a year,

- or it might be £6,000. - Wow.

And we're halfway through January,
so that's gone now, has it?

Yeah! That went weeks ago.

What's your favourite,
what's your go-to on Deliveroo?

I love a bit of Pizza Hut, I'm not
going to lie. I do love a pizza.

- Or the Brown Derby from Wimpy.
- Yup. - Oh, it was the best.

The Brown Derby...?

Doughnut, ice cream on top,
loads of chocolate sauce

- and lashings of nuts.
- Fucking hell! - Lashings of nuts!

That's what they do in Saudi Arabia,
innit?

Now, Harry and Meghan aren't
the only members of

the Royal family hoping to earn
a few quid.

Here's Princess Anne's son Peter
Phillips in an incomprehensible

Chinese advert for Jersey milk.

This is what I drink.

It can't be very fresh
if it's going from Jersey to China.

It's quite a long journey.

And if the real truth was
told on that advert of how

they get milk from cows, trust me,
no-one would be drinking it.

How do they get milk from cows?
Cos I think they milk them.

No! Jimmy, I will have to
send you some videos on it.

Jimmy, they forcibly impregnate
the mum, they take the baby away

and then the cow's a prisoner
and she's milked and milked.

It's Handmaid's Tale for cows.

- You're a vegan, yes? - Er, well...

LAUGHTER

Jimmy, I started off
being a vegetarian,

I'm more vegan now because I've then
become very aware lately...

- COUGHING: Bullshit! Sorry...
- No, recently,

I was shown how the cows are treated
to get the milk,

hence I now drink
oat milk every day.

Have you seen what they do
to those oats though?

Let's have a look and see
if Megxit is up there.

Yes, of course, Harry and Meghan.

Everyone in the Royal family is
really upset with Harry and Meghan,

apart from Prince Andrew,
who can't believe his fucking luck.

OK, Rob's team, what else have
the nation been talking about?

Um, Donald Trump's been
knocking around, ain't he?

- Oh, he has been.
- Davos, impeachment...

I can't take impeachment seriously.

It's got peach in it!

A peach is a joke in the fruit
world, never mind in politics.

Little furry fucker.
Don't talk to me about peach!

- Sorry, what's a serious fruit,
Rob? - Apple. - Right.

- Which you'd be interested to learn,
Rob can eat through a fence. - Yeah.

He's been impeached cos he, like,
runs somebody in the Ukraine.

Like, of all the things he's done.

He's been grabbing pussies,
bombing Iran...

He's give a geezer in the Ukraine
a bell and everyone's fuming!

He held money back from the Ukraine,

that's why he got impeached,
wasn't it?

Don't be so shocked that I know.

- You're still holding me,
though. - I know!

- Something to do with money.
- Katherine, what do you think?

It's big news!
But he's going to stay in.

And he's got OJ's team backing him.
OJ's defence team.

He might as well just put
a T-shirt on that says,

"I did it, but I have money."

Also, he did a tweet
on the day saying,

"I just got impeached for making
a perfect phone call,"

and it just makes me think,
I wish that all the other presidents

had Twitter and would just
live tweet history.

- Yeah. - JFK - "Lovely day for
an open top drive!"

What's a perfect phone call?

A perfect phone call
is when you make someone come

and paint your nails
at the same time.

Correct.

You're welcome.

You are really funny.

And Gemma, a lot of people go
with the laughter at jokes,

rather than the,
"You are very funny."

Like a mental robot from the future.

But he hasn't even turned up
for the trial.

- Trump's not turned up to the trial?
- He's in Switzerland.

Yeah, he's in Davos.

Doing a speech about sustainability
and climate change with, what is it?

Seven helicopters,
a jet and five jeeps!

Yeah, it's so stupid, like,
they all flew in, all these world

leaders on, like, private jets
to talk about climate change.

It would be like if I went to go
and see my husband to talk about

how I must stop cheating on him,

but I just rode in
on a stranger's dick.

I like the mime that goes with it.

Whatever.

- We've got Trump's speech.
Do you want to have a look? - Yes!

So, this is Trump at Davos,
telling us, er,

telling us everything's going
to be all right.

We will continue to show
strong leadership in restoring,

growing and better managing
our trees and our forests.

This is not a time for...

SLURRING: ..pessimism,

this is a time for...
optimism.

Fear and doubt is not
a good thought process.

Because this is a time
for tremendous hope and joy

and optimism and action.

But to embrace
the possibilities of tomorrow,

we must reject the perennial
prophets of doom

and their predictions
of the apocalypse.

- Can I just...
- He's on something! - I know I'm...

Optimism, yeah, I know optimism.
What's the opposite of that again?

What's it called again?
Hang on, Trump can remind me.

What's it called again?

- This is not a time for...
- SLURRING: ..pessimism.

I mean, there's never a time
for "fuzzivuzzm".

I mean, that's the quickest
stroke recovery I've ever seen.

Like, I heard that the reason
he attacked Iran was because

the leader that he killed made,
like, rude memes about him.

Memes. So you have all these, like,

deep, conspiracy based
political ideas,

and Trump's like,
"No, I didn't like that meme."

That's not a bad Trump!

AS DONALD TRUMP:
I'm so good at everything.

Gemma, what do you make of Trump?

Um, one, how the hell did he get...

- Your fake tan recipe? - Yeah.

One, how the hell did Donald Trump
get to be President?

- Oh, sorry, you missed that?
- You're so late!

- Sorry! - Gemma, seriously.
That was years ago.

No, one minute
he's in Trump Towers...

- Yes, he was the presenter of
The Apprentice. - Yes.

- Then he became...
- President. There's hope for me yet!

Hang on, would you run for office?

Um, well, I think
I could do, one day.

- If Donald Trump can do it...
- No, no, no, no...

..the GC can do it.

He clearly is very strange, um,

and he's the President
of the United States.

This is a concern and a worry.

- Yeah. - I like the way you talk to me
like I've just arrived from space.

- Right, well, I was thinking...
- We haven't had Brexit yet!

Well, the reason I'm talking
like this is cos I'm having

- to think as I'm talking...
- It's a nightmare, innit?

Let's have a look and see
if Donald Trump is up there.

Yes, of course, Donald Trump.

Trump's impeachment has started,
but the question is,

is Trump guilty?

And the answer is yes. Yes, he is.

That's it for part one,
see you after the break.

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
where we're still trying to guess

the nation's most popular talking
points. Fingers on buzzers.

Rob's team.

Is it the Amazon bloke getting
his phone hacked, Jeff Bezos?

Yes, take a look at him. That's the
world's richest thumb. There he is.

He's worth $115 billion, so...

- I'd fuck him. - Yeah.

So they reckon the Saudis
hacked his phone.

To be fair to the prince of Saudi
Arabia,

he just wanted to know
where his fucking parcel was.

He got a note through the door
saying he weren't in,

so they left it in Bahrain.

What did they find on his phone,
that he was cheating on his partner?

Allegedly, the Saudi Arabians
hacked his phone, got into it,

found that he was having an affair

and then leaked that
to the National Enquirer,

who then ruined his marriage,

and then he had to have the
largest divorce in human history.

But Saudi Arabia's denial
wasn't a denial.

It was just like, "That's absurd".

And you know, all the ladies know
when a man is like,

"Why would I go down on your friend
when I have you?",

that is rhetorical.
It's not a denial.

One time, Katherine.
Stop going on about it.

GC, have you ever been hacked?

I have had incidents where
I've been talking on the phone

and I feel like someone
has tapped in.

- Were you just chatting to
someone else? - Yeah, no!

Are you saying you've been
chatting on the phone

- and someone else got
a word in edgeways? - Yeah!

"Hang on, who's that?"

They're saying that he sent
a video file that he opened

and when he opened that video file,
it got into his phone.

But what kind of WhatsApp video
files are you getting

from the Prince of Saudi Arabia?
"Oh, not another beheading.

"Come on, mate, just reply. Are you
coming to the stag do or not?"

Men's WhatsApps are disgusting.

Some of the filth I get sent, I
don't even know who the geezers are.

I get caught up in a five-a-side
football group

and I'm just getting fannies
out of nowhere.

It just gets sent to me and
sometimes I do forward it on, but...

What I'm saying is...

and when I found out they get saved
to the camera roll, oh, my God.

There's an iPad of doom knocking
around my house!

The problem for Jeff Bezos is
that he looks like a dick pic.

So it's confusing about what's him
and what's the dick pic.

I don't understand dick pics.

It happens all the time

- but is there any woman who's like,
"Oh, yeah, can't wait?" - No.

And they take the photo and it's not
like a nice garden background.

They take it over the toilet.

Have you ever got a dick pic
where you've thought,

"You know what, I'm not interested
sexually, but what a photo"?

"I'm going to save that as my
background".

Because you want the girl to like
you, but also realise...

you know, you could have Battersea
Dogs' Home in the background.

"My dick's out, but I do charity
work".

Honestly, about two months ago,

I got airdropped a dick pic
on the tube.

- Oh, yeah, that's fun.
- What the fuck is that?

So they're in the immediate
vicinity.

But surely you must have noticed
them

getting their dick out on the tube
to take a picture.

Yeah!

You know what I would have done?
Pulled the emergency cord and went,

"Everyone get their fucking
dicks out.

"We are not leaving until I see it".

It's not one of the most
talked about things,

but Jeff Bezos is the richest
man in the world,

which I'm sure
will be a great comfort to him

when his dismembered body parts are
being stuffed

into a series of duffel bags
by Saudi security services.

One more thing to get. What else
have the nation been talking about?

Harriet, what do you think?

- Is it Paris Hilton?
- What about Paris Hilton?

Well, she made a cooking video

where she taught everyone how to
cook a lasagne.

That is BS.
Paris Hilton does not cook lasagne.

Here's a clip from
Cooking With Paris Hilton.

It's everything you would
expect

from someone who's never
been in a kitchen before.

- Take a look at this. - What?

I'm not sure
of the exact measurement

of what you're supposed to do,
but this is what I do every time.

Just go like...

Oh, no.

That's too much. So I'm going
to do my towel trick again.

Take a towel.

Get bottled water.

Who knows what's in these sewers?

And then dab the meat.

This again is me just guessing.

I have no idea how much,
but I love putting this much.

Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
10, 11.

11, because I love 11:11.

Amazing.

Sorry, did she use bottled water
and say,

"I don't know what's in the sewers",
meaning the tap?

Does Paris Hilton
shit in a kitchen sink?

I'm so happy she's back.

Until Paris Hilton walked in
that kitchen,

I had no idea this bitch was still
alive. Paris Hilton is an icon.

Do you understand...very literally,
if we didn't have Paris Hilton,

we wouldn't have Kim Kardashian.

If we didn't have Paris Hilton,
we wouldn't have the GC.

If we didn't have Paris Hilton,
we wouldn't have Caitlyn Jenner.

I would have nothing.

I think she's amazing.
Everyone shits on her

but you never hear about
the UK hotel heiresses, do you?

You never hear about, like, Laura
Travelodge. What's she doing?

And she's got weightlifting gloves
on.

How heavy was this lasagne?

She was wearing fingerless chef
gloves, you know, like chefs don't.

I think she started
the movement of reality shows.

She's the OG of them all.

Like you say, without her, there
wouldn't be Kim Kardashian.

The best ever clip from
the original Paris Hilton show

is in the background of her
wardrobe

where you can see Kim Kardashian
sorting out her shoes.

She used to work as her PA.

And she's done very well.
I mean, look at her.

She's been quiet for a few years

and she looks exactly the same
if not better.

And she does this ditzy
act that she's been doing

and it's cute in your twenties,

but you can't really carry
that through menopause.

Yeah, when you get to an age,
that ditzy thing,

it's like you're just a bit slow.

When you're young, it's like:
"Oh, my God".

When they're 50, it's like:

CROAKILY: "Oh, my God.
Where did I put my spoon?"

It's not one of the most
talked about things,

but people have criticised Paris
Hilton's 16 minute YouTube video.

But to be fair, it's the longest
day's work she's ever done.

One more thing to get. What else
have the nation been talking about?

Is it my favourite
weekend indulgence,

The Masked Singer -
When Commissioners Take Ketamine?

I'd also imagine
that somewhere in the UK,

someone has just done
a bunch of mushrooms

and had a bit of a tough time
and then a friend's gone,

"Listen, we'll get you back to
the house and have a cup of tea

"and chill out, just put on some
Saturday night television.

"Aaagh!"

That's the best bit,
when they take off the mask

and there's all these mad costumes

and at the end they're going,
"Take it off! Take it off!",

and they take off the mask

and then the crowd go,
"Who is that? Who is that?"

The judges go, like, "Oh, my God,
who's it going to be?

"I think it might be Adele".

If it was Adele, just fuck everyone
else off and have her for an hour.

You're not going to waste Adele

by dressing her up
as a fucking tree, are you?

We've got a clip here.

This is Alan Johnson,
who, I mean, no one knows.

Look at how many times they
say "Alan Johnson"

before you see it's Alan Johnson.
Take a look.

MUSIC: Walk Like An Egyptian

# All the bazaar men by the park

♪ They pop the pipe
like the party gates... ♪

HE CONTINUES SINGING

CROWD: Take it off! Take it off!

ALL: Take it off! Take it off!
Take it off!

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off! Take it off!

It is Alan Johnson!

- It's Alan Johnson!
- It's Alan Johnson!

Unmasked at last!

Former Home Secretary,

the right honourable Alan Johnson!

- Yay! - Alan!

"Alan!"

It's like, you know when your kid
really wants Buzz Lightyear

for Christmas but you couldn't
buy it, so you get Woody.

You're like, "It's Woody!
Remember Woody?

"You like Woody! Please like Woody!"

That's what
I love about the British version.

Since I came here a dozen years ago,

I've really gotten
into the spirit

of just waiting and queueing
and then being disappointed.

You know, and your kids want
to watch it

and you're all together every week

and you're watching and watching it,
just to be disappointed.

There couldn't be anything more
British

on a Saturday or Sunday night.

I think they should do a
collaboration with Naked Attraction.

You get celebrities

and then you just have to work out
who it is by their knob or fanny.

And the judges could be like,

"Ooh, it's either Anthony Joshua
or Timmy Mallett. I'm not sure".

- Gemma, have you seen
The Masked Singer? - I have.

I was actually asked to appear
in the Australian version.

- Why didn't you do it? - Because...

No one knows who the fuck
you are in Australia?

- Jordan, are you the Monster?
- No, it's not me.

- It is quite enthralling. - You're the
Monster, I'm the Hedgehog. - Are you?

- Yeah. - Are you actually the Hedgehog?

I definitely would do it and have
done it and I am the Hedgehog.

I'd fucking win it.

No, Jimmy can't do it.
Look at the size of Jimmy's head.

If you put anything else on it,
he'd crack a vertebrae.

His shoulders couldn't take it.
He'd just fall over like that.

ALL IMITATE JIMMY'S LAUGHTER

Why is everyone... Why?

Let's see if The Masked Singer's up
there.

Yes, it's The Masked Singer!

The Masked Singer is South Korea's
most popular TV format

after The Dog's Bollocks,
their number one rated cooking show.

In this week's news, Muller,
the yoghurt people,

have been criticised by doctors

over their range of
alcohol-flavoured yoghurts,

so I got some for us to try.

These are gin and tonic flavoured
yoghurts. Grab those. Lovely.

- GC, you grab those. - Oh, and
they're Light. - They're not vegan.

I'm gonna have to try this,
aren't I, cos I'm on this show.

That didn't take much convincing.

- If you are vegan, I totally respect
that. - They are delicious. - Leave it!

- You don't have to do it. - They are
delicious, have you tried it?

No, no, no, no.

No, I respect you as a vegan.
I couldn't allow it.

Don't feel compelled
because you're on the show, Gemma.

- Rob, so delicious.
- It really is nice.

Oh!

It's everything you want, innit?

- Because it's sweet. - Oh, Rob, please!

- All right, let me just smell it.
- No, have a taste. - Oh, yeah.

- Wow. - I can't believe you put
Rob and Gemma next to each other.

It's like a before and after photo
at a transgender clinic.

It is! It actually is.

It is.

What do you think, Harriet?

I don't want to be a dick,
but I'm trying to be a vegan.

- Are you a vegan? - Yes.

OK, so that's how a vegan would deal
with that situation.

It feels to me like someone
at Muller is an alcoholic

and they've caught him drinking
at his desk

and he's gone, "What? No, research".

For me, it just tastes like a lemony
yoghurt with a hint of something,

but that something could be that
it's just two days out of date.

You could trade it off, couldn't
you?

You're not having a prawn
that's out of date

but I can take a yoghurt,
I'm not a pussy.

It's quite boozy, though, innit?

I'm absolutely Mullered.

APPLAUSE

Fin Taylor, everyone, Fin Taylor.

So those were the nation's most
popular talking points

but in other news, the worst jewel
thieves ever went viral this week.

I don't want to spoil it for you,

but here's an amazing news
report describing what went down.

The robbery is now under way,
but she's able to run off.

She pressed a panic button
which calls the police,

and locks herself in the toilet.

Now chaos ensues.

However hard they hit it,

the door won't open because, well,
it's locked.

Finally, a member remembers there is
a release button

and runs to press it.

His mate makes his escape

but forgets to keep the door
open for the others,

so yes, they're locked in again.

So take two - run back, open door,

keep door open and then everyone
scarpers.

Simple, really. Well, not quite.

Take three. The last crook presses
the button

and tries to rush back in time,

but he's a bit out of shape and not
quick enough. He is desperate now.

The alarm is sounding,
the police are on their way

and his mates are long gone.

Completely by chance,

a member of the public who knows
no better arrives on the scene

and holds the door open for him.

At the end of that round, Rob,
Harriet and Gemma have one point,

Katherine, Jordan and Fin have
two points.

That's it for part two.
See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.

Rob, Harriet, Gemma,
what do you like the look of?

Oh, what have we got here?

- A nice holiday? Desert island.
- Oh, go on, then.

So you've chosen the palm tree.

Here is your related question.

- OK. - That's false.

- OK... Right, it's false. - We've won.
- Done.

LAUGHTER

It depends, doesn't it?

It depends. I think I'd be fine
until I got thirsty and hungry,

then it would get stressful.

I think I'd be all right for a
little bit,

- but, I mean, Gemma, you were on
I'm A Celebrity. - Yeah.

I reckon you lasted about four
minutes before you kicked off.
Have a look at this.

- I'm shitting myself.
- Just enjoy it. - Here we go.

Is it your first time in a chopper?

Yeah. How long are we in here for?
Be serious.

No, can you stop a minute?
I'm being serious. Stop.

- I need to get out, honestly.
- You need to get out?

Yeah, I'm going to be sick.

I'm not going in this. No way.

I'm sorry. That is just so scary.

How the hell does anyone think
that's normal, doing that?

Some people need breaking in gently,
do you know what I mean?

Yeah, all right,
I've cracked at the first hurdle,

but it's like the turtle and the
slug or the horse and the rabbit.

- I can't remember what it was.
- STUDIO LAUGHTER

The slug won in the end.

Turtle and the slug!

The turtle and the slug!

It's just like the turtle and the
slug and the horse and the rabbit.

I'm still trying to work out what
would win, a turtle or a slug.

I truly believe that no-one would be
able to survive on a desert island

- after my experience in the jungle.
- Well, Jordan was sent...

Yeah, I did Bear Grylls,
The Island, yeah.

It was a good experience,
but it was fucking boring.

Yeah, I know, I tried to watch it.

People were saying things,
like, you know, about these

two weeks and it'd be, like,

"Oh, mate, I'd kill for a burger,"
or, like,

"I'd kill for a strawberry
milkshake."

And I got to the point where I was,
like, "You know you can just go
home?"

That's the way to do it, innit?

How long did you last in the
jungle, Gemma?

Well, it was genuinely six days,

but you only saw, I think,
about two or three.

Yeah, I actually went to the
bush tucker trial and asked Bob

if he could bring me a Diet Coke
and they said no...

..unfortunately. I said, "I'm really
sorry, I'm not going to be able to
do this. I've got to go."

LAUGHTER

Harriet, do you reckon you could
survive on a desert island?

Well, I don't think I'm the right
person to ask cos I've got a

nut allergy so I couldn't even
survive in a Pret a Manger.

It's dangerous out there for me
just in England, you know?

What about you, Fin?

Yeah, I'd eat someone like that.

- Sorry, what was the question?
- LAUGHTER

What do you think, most people think
they could survive on a desert

- island. What do you think people are
going to say, Rob? - False. No. - No.

- Hell no. - Hell no.
- What do you think, Katherine?

I can't go anywhere hot.

I cope with sunlight like Prince
Andrew copes with studio lights.

I'm just too pale for any holiday.

That's why I moved here.

I didn't move here for the weather.

I like the dreariness of it all.

Yeah, no, people do not think
they could survive.

OK, I'll tell you, the answer is
true -

66% of people think they could
survive on a desert island.

APPLAUSE

I don't know about having good
survival skills,

I find it quite difficult to cope
when the petrol station shop

is closed and you have to push
things through that little tray.

You don't go and pay.

LAUGHTER

Tough watching your driver pay,
innit?

"What was it? One of those little
drawers again? Oh, right, yeah,
yeah."

Katherine, what do you like the look
of?

Ooh... I think I like the carrot.

OK, you've chosen the carrot,

which means it's
time for a quick bonus round.

- Gemma, Katherine, join me
for Carrot In A Box. - Let's do it.

The rules of Carrot In A Box
are simple - you both have a box,

but only one of the boxes has
a carrot in it.

The aim of the game is to end up
with a carrot. It's a game of bluff.

- OK, Katherine? - Yep. - In a moment,
I'll ask you to look in your box.

If you don't have the carrot, then
you have to bluff Gemma into her

giving you her box, but, ultimately,
it's Gemma's choice

whether she keeps her box or
swaps it with your box.

- So, Katherine, look in your box.
- Yep.

OK, Katherine, you want a carrot,
Gemma, you want a carrot.

Let's play Carrot In A Box.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I can confirm, Gemma, there is
a carrot in my box.

Right, I know a blag when I see
one. I used to be a car dealer.

There's a carrot in that box.

- Yes, there is a carrot in the box.
- Yeah.

LAUGHTER

There is. There is
a carrot in the box.

Right.

I know that there's a carrot in that
box by the first

bit of conversation you did.

I told you there was a carrot in the
box, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I think you were saying
that to blag me.

I could be wrong, but I do think
there's a carrot in that box.

LAUGHTER

- Would you lie to GC? - No, I wouldn't.
- But you want the carrot.

SOUTH EAST ACCENT: Listen, babes,
I'll be honest...

LAUGHTER

..I'm not going to lie, literally...

..literally a carrot...

..in my fanny and the box.

I think there is, yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Never, never been surer.
- You've never, never been surer? - No.

I thought the aim of this
game was to tell

- if there's a carrot in the box. - Yes.
- Right. - That is the aim of the game.

I think there's
a carrot in that box.

Can we lift the lid
and can I sit back down, honey?

Please?

Just this game psychs me out. No?

I do think there's
a carrot in that box.

I'm sorry, and your complaint is
you've been standing up for too
long?

Fucking hell, GC!

Put me out of my misery.

Open that box and let me
sit back down, please.

To be fair to Gemma,
she's got a long journey home.

She gave her cab driver
three addresses.

Gemma, it's your decision.

Do you want to swap with Katherine's
box or do you want to keep your own?

- Swap the box.
The carrot's mine. - OK, all right.

Is there a carrot in that box?

Yeah! Well done, Gemma.

That means the winner of Carrot In A
Box is Gemma.

See?

- She won a carrot. - It was the
psychology. - You're good.

Hold it up again.

It's the same colour, innit?

- I'm too clued up. - I'm not.
I could learn a lot from you.

People lie to me all the time
and I don't know until I'm pregnant.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's it for this part.
See you after the break.

Welcome back to 8 out of 10 Cats.

And The Winner Is is the name of our
final round. Here's your question.

How well they knew
Jeffrey Epstein.

APPLAUSE

Is it people saying that they
were in the SAS?

For people that actually did serve,
it's a disgrace.

It upsets us.

- I'd so love it if you were in the
SAS. - Maybe I was, maybe I weren't.

You wouldn't know, would you?

If I was, I'd give the impression
that I could never have been.

It's like the Masked Singer
of the army.

I think Harriet genuinely thinks
you might be.

Were you?

Maybe.

So, most common thing people lie
about. Is it being vegan, Gemma?

Harriet, what do you think?

Is it vagina size?

Mine is at least nine inches.

Across.

Don't know how big nine inches is!

What do you think, Katherine?
What do people lie about?

I think a lot of people
lie about their age.

Obviously, there's no reason for me
to do that in my 20s now.

Some of you is 20.

My boobs are actually almost 20.

Everyone in my high school,

you either got a nose job or a car
or boobs

if your parents didn't love you.

That's really sexy, you had to walk
around everywhere

with your big tits.

- Yeah. - You didn't have a car.
- Exactly.

You know, Harriet, once you get your
tits done,

it's really easy to find a ride.

I wouldn't know.

I've got small tits.

But a huge vagina!

Go on, Jordan, what do you think
people lie about?

I don't know. I feel like people
lie about caring about things.

Every day people asks each other how
they are

and I don't think people really
actually care.

That's really true. You don't really
give a shit about anyone else.

When your partner is sick in the day
or your child,

you're like, "Oh, that's terrible,
he's got maybe pneumonia,
he's not got long.

If Fin does that to you, he
gets Me Too'd.

Double standards.
Hashtag #YesPlease.

Hashtag #MeToo!

So if your partner
is ill during the day.

If your partner or child is ill
during the day,

then you feel so terrible
and you lie

like you're a really
caring person.

It's not true because at night
when they're coughing,

you're trying to sleep,
you're like, "Shut the fuck up!"

Lou was like that to me. I broke my
ankle when we had a two-year-old
and a newborn baby

so she had to everything because I
was laid up with my foot up
like that.

She was really lovely
and caring for a couple of days.

Day three she went, "We're going to
have to sort this out.

"You've got to get better or die.

What is the most common thing
people lie about?

What do you think, GC, in your
experience?

Definitely their age.

I can't ask...

I'm 38 years old.

And you've been on the telly, in our
lives, for 10 years. It's great.

What have you learnt over those
10 years? Have you ever lied?

Yeah. I was engaged.

- I was engaged. - To Rami?

- Yes. - I remember.

And it's a terrible thing
but I could admit it.

- Go on. - I went to Vegas, Arg called
me up from his hotel room

and he said, "Hello, do you want to
come down to the room to see me?"

What's going on?

- Were you out there on your own? Was
Rami there? - Bobby was in the room.

Who's Bobby?!

Bobby's on the show.

So I say to Bob,

"Oh, Bob, just going to pop down
to get us a drink from downstairs."

So he's like, "All right, babe,
I'll have a pina colada."

- Bobby don't know I'm going to see
Arg. - Have a penis colada.

I had a very, very, very good
penis colada, yes.

And Bobby covered my back.

Bet Arg did as well.

APPLAUSE

Did Bobby ever get his drink?

Bobby was left gasping.

And you weren't!

I mean, it's terrible but you do
silly things when you're young.

That wasn't silly.
Arg is your true love

and what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas so you're good there.

It definitely hasn't
stayed in Vegas.

I think people must lie
about sleeping with people.

- Number nine on the list is how many
people they've slept with. - Yes!

Does that mean I've got a point?

It's number nine, we're looking
for number one.

This is something people do
every day,

it involves losing concentration.

- Listening.
- That's the correct answer.

The most common thing people
lie about is pretending

they're listening, and that's
according to a survey

of all men everywhere.

I am always listening
to my girlfriend but then

I like long, boring stories with way
too much detail and no point.

APPLAUSE

That sound tells me it's the end of
the round and the end of the show

which means the final scores are

Rob, Harriet and Gemma
have 2 points,

Katherine, Jordan and Fin
are the winners with 3 points!

APPLAUSE

Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience,

and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us, goodnight!