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A MURAKAMI / WOLF / BIZARRE PRODUCTION
color by Technicolor
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THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION
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THEODORE BIKEL
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Music performed by The Mothers of Invention
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MARK VOLMAN / HOWARD KAYLAN / IAN UNDERWOOD /AYNSLEY DUNBAR / GEORGE DUKE
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Introducing:
KEITH MOON / JANET FERGUSON
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LUCY OFFERALL / JIMMY CARL BLACK
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MARTIN LICKERT / DICK BARBER
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DON PRESTON / PAMELA MILLER
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RUTH UNDERWOOD /JUDY GRIDLEY
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RINGO STARR
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FRANK ZAPPA'S 200 MOTELS
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Music composed and arranged by:
FRANK ZAPPA
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Music performed by:
THE ROYAL PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA
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Choreographed by:
GILLIAN LYNNE
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Story and screenplay by
FRANK ZAPPA
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Shooting script by:
TONY PALMER
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Associate producers
RAOUL RAGEL / BRIAN HARRIS
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Produced by
JERRY GOOD / HERB COHEN
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characterizations directed by
FRANK ZAPPA
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Visuals directed by
TONY PALMER
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Ladies and gentlemen!
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200 motels
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200 motels . . . Life on the road!
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Ladies and gentlemen! and here is . . .
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Who?
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Larry the dwarf!
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Larry likes to dress up funny
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Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa
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Let's ask him "What's the deal?"
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Hi Larry, it's good to have you back
on our panel.
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Hi Dave, it's really great to be back on your panel.
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I'm sure the people at home would be interested to know why such a large dwarf as you is all dressed up like Frank Zappa.
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Tell us Larry, eh . . . what's the deal?
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He made me do it, Dave. He's such a creep.
He's making me hold this alladin.
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And why is he making you do that, Larry?
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He wants me to fuck the girl with the harp.
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He wants you to fuck the girl . . . with the harp?
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No, no, with the magic lamp. He wants me to stuff it
up her and rub it.
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Hm. Hm-hm-hm. Ho-ho-ho, ha-ha. A-HA-HA-HA-HO-HO.
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Let's ask our studio audience. If you'd just been lowered down here on TV by a wire connected to a brown leather
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harness, forced by a crazy person to insert a mysterious, imported lamp into the reproductive-rep-rep-rep into-into
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the rep-rep-reproductive orifice of a lady harpist
and you were a dwarf . . . would you do it?
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YES!!!
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Yay!
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Let's spin the big wheel, Larry! Go ahead,
give it a whirl!
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What our studio audience doesn't know is that
the reason Larry the Dwarf
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is doing all this stuff is because its all part
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of the score to 200 Motels. Every word,
every action, the lamp,
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the reproductive orifice, it's all in the score, so he
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has to do it. This whole event is a fantasy that occurred touring on the road. Touring can make you crazy, ladies and gentlemen.
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That is precisely what 200 Motels is all about.
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Say!
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Ow! Look out!
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Ow! Look out!
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Ow! Look out!
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How long?
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How long?
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Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
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Ya-ooo Ya-ooo Ya-ooo Ya-ooo
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That mystery roach be approachin'
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That mystery roach be approachin' me
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La La La La La La La, Oof!
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How long?
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How long?
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Till that mystery roach been gone
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Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo
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Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo
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That mystery roach be approachin'
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That mystery roach be approachin' me
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La La La La La La La, Oof!
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That mystery roach be approachin'
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That mystery roach be approachin' me
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La La La La La La La, Oof!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Mystery mystery mystery mystery
mystery mystery mystery roach!
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Room service?
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Ah . . . a mystery roach . . .
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What are we SINGING about?
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We must be . . . FLIPPING OUT!
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Special delivery for Mr. Volman! Mr. Volman?
Are you Volman?
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(Sniff sniff) Do you smell somethin' weird? (Sniff sniff)
It's a double cheeseburger from a famous American
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burger chain, with a symbol in the parking lot
that's yellow plastic and goes like this:
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RANCE MUHAMMITZ . . .
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RANCE MUHAMMITZ . . .
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RANCE . . .
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RANCE MUHAMMITZ . . .
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RANCE . . .
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RANCE . . .
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MUHAMMITZ . . .
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MUHAMMITZ . . .
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MUHAMMITZ . . .
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. . . In a steaming briefcase!
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You're Volman!
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Yeh-No. No. He's Volman. Who are you?
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You must call me "Rance Muhammitz."
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"Rance Muhammitz"? Stupidest name I ever heard of.
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Yah, but you must remember that within the conceptual framework of this filmic event, nothing really matters! It is
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entirely possible for several subjective realities to coexist. It is possible that all things are a deception of the senses.
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Right on, Rance! The functioning of our senses has been spiritually impaired and chemically corrupted by the fake,
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artifical food coloring.
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By the way. Mr. Volman, I have . . . YOUR CHEESEBURGER.
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We must evolve.
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Yeah . . .
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We must progress.
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Progress . . .
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There must be growth!
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Yeah . . . macrobiotic foods and tie-dye shirts!
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Hey, ya ain't gonna eat that cheeseburger, Mark? . . . (BURP)
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Fucking guy will eat anything.
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This is registered delivery, you will have to sign for it.
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Sure man, I'll sign. Where's the pencil?
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I don't wish to alarm you, my son, but the
signature will have to be . . . in blood.
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Listen man, I just wanna know two things. Is there any beer in this fake nightclub, and when do we get paid?
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Just-just a minute, just a minute, in a moment or two you'll be able to get your hands on all the imaginary beer that
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you want. For the moment, I would like to explain
some of the things that you'll all be doing in this movie.
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I've been wondering about that.
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For Sherwood, we have a vacuum cleaner scheduled . . .
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A vacuum cleaner?
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. . . and a potential epileptic seizure during
a production number later on.
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A vacuum cleaner!
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I thought the two of you would like to get acquainted.
It says here that you are supposed to be in love.
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This abnormal relationship will be great for the
big story I'm going to write!
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Listen man, I just wanna know one thing:
when do we get paid?
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No look, look, look, look, look, don't you
even care what you do?
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So long as I get some beer and I get paid, you
can make me do anything, I'm professional!
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You should be careful talkin' about that stuff.
Why, does he listen?
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He always listens. He always watches and listens to all the guys in the band. I've been in the band for years, and I
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know. He always listens.
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That's how he gets all his material! It isn't s'posed to be natural, friendly, good-natured, humorous, ha-ha-ha-ha!
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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, YEAH, WELL FINE!
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. . . and then he rips it off, and he sneaks off into a secret room someplace, and boils it in ammonia, and he gets it
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perverted, and THEN he brings it back to us at
rehearsal and makes us play it!
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Hey man, what's that over there?
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It's HIM. You can see him, he's watching.
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D'ya think he heard us?
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I've been in the band for years. You can
bet that he heard everything.
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Yeah, let's go over and pretend to be nice to him.
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Yeah, let's go over and pretent we don't know he's watching.
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Yeah, and rippin' off all our good material.
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Hi, man!
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Hi, Frank!
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Hi, man!
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Hi, Frank!
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Hi, man!
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Hey, Frank!
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Hey, that's a GREAT new song you wrote, you know, the one about the penis and everything? I was laughin' a lot
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the whole time I was learnin' it!
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Yeah, we were all laughin', Frank!
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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha YEAH, WELL FINE!
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Yeah, it took a little while to get into it man, but once we got the drift, phew!
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Yeah, there's lots of great parts you've got in
there for the chorus, you know when they go:
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RAN-TAN-RAN-TOON-RAN-TAN-TAN . . .
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And I steal the room and everything, you know. I don't even mind you rippin' it off from me, just as long as I get paid.
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Oh, and I don't even mind the part where he says, "what can I say about this fabulous elixir," so long as me and
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Howard and Jeff Simmons who left the group just before the movie started get credit for special material! Ha-ha-ha!
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I'm deeply offended by your lack of artistic sense.
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Look here, Muhammitz, or whatever the fuck they call ya, I don't even give a shit man, I got five fuckin' kids at home
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and . . . can you lend me a coupla bucks until the
end of the week? Who are you, anyway?
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Oh, she writes for the Imaginary Rock and Roll
newspaper in San Francisco.
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San Francisco?
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Man!
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Oh! Eh, he's making me leave here now.
I'll see you later when we play.
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What?
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I don't expect you to understand that, because uh,
we haven't formed the group yet.
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Ah, Mark will play the bass . . .
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Ba-doom-doom-doom-doom . . .
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Howie will sing and play sax . . .
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Dwee-dat-dwee-dat-dweet-dat-dwee-dat . . .
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I'll play the guitar . . . woop-doo-doo-doo . . .
and the dwarf here will play drums!
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Waittaminit, waittaminit, waittaminit, waittaminit, waittaminit! This guy isn't even a dwarf!
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That's one of the reasons the group will be
so commercial!
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Ah. What about the other guys?
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Ah, they're already forming groups all over the place! Why wait till the end of the movie, we could have a hit single right now!
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He's right, he's right! We don't need Aynsley . . .
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No . . . We don't need Ian . . .
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No . . . We don't need George!
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No! We don't need anybody! Argh!
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No!
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He needs us, remember. We don't need him! All those other guys are too old for rock. They're out of it! We could
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have a tight little heavy little band with this dwarf here. You know, that he, he used to play drums for Leon Russell . . .
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Ohh . . .
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Listen, you're right. Zappa's 30.
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Yeah, man.
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Ohh . . . whew . . .
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Thirty years old . . .
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Oh, he's out of it man! He's too old, he should retire.
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Yeah, really. You can't trust old people. You know, we should take up a collection and buy him a watch.
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I don't know too much about this stuff
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I've been a little busy
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This won't take long
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Just a few questions
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This won't take long
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Just a few questions
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This won't take long
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Just a few questions
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Just a few questions
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This . . . won't . . . take . . . long . . .
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This . . . won't . . . take . . . long . . .
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This . . . won't . . . take . . . long . . .
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This . . . won't . . . take . . . long . . .
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I hear birds!
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What's he saying?
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You took the mystery burger! You are in full posession of
. . . the burger! Do you know who I am? Hm? Do you know
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Who I really am?
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Really man! WHO . . . DO YOU THINK . . . YOU ARE?
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Yeah, do you want me to tell you WHO . . .
I really think you are?
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Yeah, somebody tell me WHO is this guy?
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Centerville
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A real nice place to raise your kids up
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Centerville
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It's really neat!
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Churches
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Churches
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And liquor stores
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Oh, yeah! It's
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Just like Glendale
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Look!
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Over there
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It's a rancid boutique!
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Janet, did you see those guys with the hair?
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It's those guys from the fake stage
across the street from our house.
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Eww, I get so excited when someone from a
group gets near me. I just . . . eww, I just . . .
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Don't you have any taste? That one guy's
got gray hair, and the other one's too fat.
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Oh, they look so lonely.
230
00:19:59,488 --> 00:20:05,541
Lonely? Good evening honey, they look desperate. Desperate pop stars are so depressing when they've been
231
00:20:05,789 --> 00:20:08,534
on the road for such a long time, and
they finally get some action.
232
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,886
They drool on you.
233
00:20:11,238 --> 00:20:16,137
Really. All that stuff that comes out of their mouth
when they're on top of you. It's so moche. Ew.
234
00:20:17,678 --> 00:20:19,770
Ew, on the pillows.
235
00:20:20,665 --> 00:20:23,979
But I like the drummer with the rivets
on his clothes, he's not bad.
236
00:20:24,552 --> 00:20:29,926
Yeah, I've seen him too. He just screams
"Englishness," with that little haircut and the rings . . .
237
00:20:30,458 --> 00:20:31,379
And the binoculars.
238
00:20:31,822 --> 00:20:32,660
Binoculars?
239
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:34,879
Didn't you notice his binoculars?
240
00:20:35,388 --> 00:20:36,833
No, he's got binoculars?
241
00:20:37,386 --> 00:20:39,304
He watches us through them, he's a pervert!
242
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:44,918
Oh, I get so hot just thinking about perversions . . . Maybe when we go down to the fake nightclub tonight we can
243
00:20:45,514 --> 00:20:47,602
meet him, and find out if he really is perverted.
244
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:49,586
Just take my word for it; he is perverted.
245
00:20:50,835 --> 00:20:52,489
Mmm. And English, too.
246
00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:54,054
They're all that way.
247
00:21:07,646 --> 00:21:09,583
This town
248
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:13,226
This town
249
00:21:14,211 --> 00:21:19,398
Is a Sealed
Tuna Sandwich
250
00:21:22,024 --> 00:21:23,024
Sealed Tuna Sandwich
251
00:21:35,639 --> 00:21:37,422
With the wrapper glued
252
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:40,596
(WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED!)
253
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,372
It's by baloney on the rack
254
00:21:45,659 --> 00:21:46,641
Rant-tant-tant
255
00:21:46,950 --> 00:21:47,200
Tant-tant-tant
256
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,419
Tant-tant-tant
257
00:21:48,723 --> 00:21:52,319
It goes for 40 cents a whack
258
00:21:58,905 --> 00:22:06,138
It's just a rancid little snack
259
00:22:11,984 --> 00:22:12,784
In a plastic bag
260
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:26,734
From a matron in La Habra with
a blown-out crack
261
00:22:31,111 --> 00:22:37,352
WHO DIES TO SUCK THE FRINGE OFF
OF JIMMY CARL BLACK!
262
00:22:43,735 --> 00:22:45,037
My name is Burtram
263
00:22:45,923 --> 00:22:47,444
I am a redneck
264
00:22:48,141 --> 00:22:49,642
All my friends,
265
00:22:50,165 --> 00:22:51,297
They call me 'Burt'
266
00:22:51,297 --> 00:22:52,287
(Hi, Burt!)
267
00:22:52,615 --> 00:22:54,269
All my family,
268
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,578
From down in Texas
269
00:22:56,927 --> 00:22:58,549
Make their livin'
270
00:22:58,549 --> 00:23:00,489
Diggin' dirt
271
00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:05,270
Come out here to Californy,
272
00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:07,471
Just to find me
273
00:23:07,676 --> 00:23:09,541
Some pretty girls
274
00:23:09,979 --> 00:23:11,677
Ones I seen
275
00:23:11,947 --> 00:23:13,892
Gets me so horny;
276
00:23:14,145 --> 00:23:15,492
Ruby lips,
277
00:23:15,770 --> 00:23:18,074
'N teeth like pearls!
278
00:23:18,675 --> 00:23:20,582
Wanna love 'em all!
279
00:23:20,582 --> 00:23:22,822
Wanna love 'em dearly!
280
00:23:23,112 --> 00:23:24,772
Wanna pretty girl--
281
00:23:25,099 --> 00:23:27,021
I'll even pay!
282
00:23:27,316 --> 00:23:29,164
I'll buy 'em furs!
283
00:23:29,456 --> 00:23:31,395
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
284
00:23:31,615 --> 00:23:33,492
I know they like me;
285
00:23:33,698 --> 00:23:35,818
Here's what I say:
286
00:23:37,801 --> 00:23:41,180
I'm lonesome Cowboy Burt!
287
00:23:41,771 --> 00:23:43,367
(Speakin' atcha!)
288
00:23:43,739 --> 00:23:47,677
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
289
00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:49,803
(Reekin' atcha!)
290
00:23:50,089 --> 00:23:52,226
My cowboy pants,
291
00:23:52,975 --> 00:23:55,554
My cowboy dance,
292
00:23:56,063 --> 00:23:58,637
My bold advance,
293
00:23:59,777 --> 00:24:06,121
On this here waitress . . .
294
00:24:06,904 --> 00:24:09,259
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey
295
00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:11,666
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!
296
00:24:12,030 --> 00:24:15,656
(He's lonesome Cowboy Burt
297
00:24:17,977 --> 00:24:21,828
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
298
00:24:24,312 --> 00:24:26,617
Come on in this place,
299
00:24:27,104 --> 00:24:29,683
'N I'll buy you a taste,
300
00:24:30,103 --> 00:24:32,354
You can sit on my face--
301
00:24:32,719 --> 00:24:34,636
Where's my waitress?
302
00:24:42,032 --> 00:24:45,229
Burtram, Burtram redneck
303
00:24:47,167 --> 00:24:50,666
Burtram, Burtram redneck
304
00:24:52,873 --> 00:24:54,075
I'm an awful nice guy!
305
00:24:55,262 --> 00:24:56,792
Sweat all day in the sun!
306
00:24:58,042 --> 00:24:58,908
Roofer by trade,
307
00:24:59,285 --> 00:25:00,282
Quite a bundle I've made,
308
00:25:00,282 --> 00:25:01,623
I'm unionized roofin' old
309
00:25:01,623 --> 00:25:02,950
Son-of-a-gun!
310
00:25:03,338 --> 00:25:04,356
(He's a unionized roofin' old
311
00:25:04,637 --> 00:25:05,745
Son-of-a-gun!)
312
00:25:08,971 --> 00:25:10,230
When I get off, I get plastered
313
00:25:11,387 --> 00:25:13,401
Drink till I fall onna floor,
314
00:25:14,033 --> 00:25:15,886
Find me some Communist bastard,
315
00:25:16,596 --> 00:25:18,513
'N stomp on his face till he don't
316
00:25:18,513 --> 00:25:19,449
Move no more!
317
00:25:19,987 --> 00:25:20,983
(He stomps on his face till he don't
318
00:25:21,199 --> 00:25:22,123
Move no more!)
319
00:25:25,218 --> 00:25:27,108
I fuss, an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin',
320
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:29,506
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red!
321
00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:31,234
I drool on m'shirt,
322
00:25:31,575 --> 00:25:32,652
I see if he's hurt,
323
00:25:32,996 --> 00:25:34,985
Kick him again in the head, yes!
324
00:25:35,611 --> 00:25:37,858
Kick him again in the head, boys!
325
00:25:38,232 --> 00:25:40,419
Kick him again in the head, now!
326
00:25:40,919 --> 00:25:42,719
KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD!
327
00:25:43,567 --> 00:25:45,597
Lonesome Cowboy Burt!
328
00:25:45,922 --> 00:25:46,953
(Speakin' atcha!)
329
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,453
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
330
00:25:49,784 --> 00:25:50,880
(Reekin' atcha!)
331
00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:52,537
My cowboy pants,
332
00:25:53,099 --> 00:25:54,438
My cowboy dance,
333
00:25:55,034 --> 00:25:56,443
My bold advance,
334
00:25:57,061 --> 00:26:01,410
On this here waitress . . .
335
00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:03,360
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh
336
00:26:03,671 --> 00:26:04,546
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!
337
00:26:04,953 --> 00:26:09,486
(HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT,
338
00:26:12,052 --> 00:26:16,286
A--don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
339
00:26:20,017 --> 00:26:23,236
Yeah . . . but come on in this place,
340
00:26:23,892 --> 00:26:26,549
An' I'll buy you a taste,
341
00:26:27,827 --> 00:26:30,797
'N you can sit on my face--
342
00:26:31,077 --> 00:26:33,227
Where's my waitress?
343
00:26:35,443 --> 00:26:37,915
OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!
344
00:26:40,943 --> 00:26:46,037
Yes, Jimmy Carl Black, Indian of the Group,
what can I do for you?
345
00:27:03,339 --> 00:27:05,350
Mo-honnitz! What are you doin' here?
346
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,241
You just called me, didn't you?
347
00:27:07,475 --> 00:27:09,523
All I said was "Opal, you hot little bitch".
348
00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:11,246
I am known by many names.
349
00:27:11,966 --> 00:27:16,819
Mm-hmm. You got many friends who call you
"Opal the hot little bitch"?
350
00:27:16,819 --> 00:27:20,975
Please-please-please-please Mr. Black, let us cut
the small talk, and get on with your briefing.
351
00:27:21,338 --> 00:27:25,041
Fine, you can brief me all you want as long as
you can tell me two things . . .
352
00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:27,496
I know, when do we get paid . . .
353
00:27:27,850 --> 00:27:30,256
No, I wanna know where's that waitress,
354
00:27:31,788 --> 00:27:33,062
Yes, waitress..
355
00:27:33,570 --> 00:27:38,319
And if she comes in this place, will she sit on my face,
and loan me a couple bucks until the end of the week.
356
00:27:39,092 --> 00:27:42,351
. . . couple of bucks . . . . end of the week . . .
week . . . week ending, the week ending,
357
00:27:44,342 --> 00:27:45,790
what-what that, what's the date?
358
00:27:46,572 --> 00:27:51,666
Uhhh, Tuesday was the 5th, uh Monday was
the 3rd, uh make that out for Sunday-
359
00:27:51,916 --> 00:27:53,625
Eh-eh-eh, don't say Sunday!
360
00:27:53,947 --> 00:27:54,913
What's wrong with Sunday?
361
00:27:54,913 --> 00:27:55,416
Eh!
362
00:27:57,085 --> 00:28:03,319
The Lord's day! Br-r-r! A day of rest! Br-r-r! Just
make that sucker out for the 23rd of March, wouldya?
363
00:28:07,369 --> 00:28:13,560
Very well, Mr. Black. Oh, by the way. I have
here the special beer I promised you earlier.
364
00:28:15,749 --> 00:28:17,903
Oh man, it's about time, I've been waiting.
365
00:28:17,903 --> 00:28:20,351
Would you care to sign for it?
366
00:28:24,384 --> 00:28:25,407
This is a pencil?
367
00:28:26,649 --> 00:28:28,165
No, Mr. Black, it is a pin.
368
00:28:28,698 --> 00:28:29,412
A PIN?
369
00:28:29,789 --> 00:28:31,969
Would you jab yourself in the finger with it?
370
00:28:32,470 --> 00:28:37,248
Listen, Mo-hannitz, I may be professional, but I'm
not THAT professional. I just want my beer.
371
00:28:37,890 --> 00:28:40,720
Sign first! In blood.
372
00:28:41,542 --> 00:28:44,311
Fuck you! Who do you think you are,
the devil or something?
373
00:28:45,698 --> 00:28:48,031
I am known by many names.
374
00:28:48,542 --> 00:28:52,136
You probably got some more weird names for
yourself, but I'll tell you one thing you ain't nev-,
375
00:28:52,354 --> 00:28:53,906
definitely ain't never
376
00:28:53,906 --> 00:28:56,266
gonna be called and that's the devil,
because you ain't the devil.
377
00:28:56,808 --> 00:28:57,415
Oh, I'm not?
378
00:28:57,415 --> 00:29:00,031
You bet your sweet ass you're not. The fuckin'
devil's got an english accent.
379
00:29:00,885 --> 00:29:05,096
I seen him three weeks ago on TV. So you know,
you can just take this big needle
380
00:29:05,313 --> 00:29:12,749
here and hang it in your ass as far as I'm concerned! (cough) Fuckin' guy musta been a communist!
381
00:29:14,679 --> 00:29:21,759
Hello there. When you go on tour with a musical group,
it's possible that any town can seem like this.
382
00:29:23,196 --> 00:29:27,353
Whether it's large or small, or busy, or if
there's nothing happening in it.
383
00:29:28,387 --> 00:29:33,430
The reason for this is quite simple. A musician,
if you consider the normal pattern
384
00:29:33,744 --> 00:29:39,548
of modern civilized life, is on the outside of it all.
He doesn't build things, he doesn't
385
00:29:40,422 --> 00:29:45,744
work regular hours like a decent god-fearing citizen,
and the life he leads, in many ways,
386
00:29:46,027 --> 00:29:50,993
seems useless and irrelevant to those of us
who'd prefer a quiet evening in front
387
00:29:50,993 --> 00:29:56,931
of the television and a bottle of beer. Amazing
as it might seem to some of us,
388
00:29:57,402 --> 00:30:03,767
musicians have basic physical needs, just like real people. Many of them study for years,
389
00:30:03,767 --> 00:30:09,268
learning to play the violin for instance,
only to be rewarded
390
00:30:09,268 --> 00:30:13,852
with a humdrum job in the fourth row of
a symphonic string section.
391
00:30:15,183 --> 00:30:18,855
That's why the governments have constructed,
at great expense,
392
00:30:19,594 --> 00:30:25,439
this experimental reorientation facility.
To find a way, perhaps, to retrain these useless
393
00:30:27,699 --> 00:30:30,846
To find a way, perhaps, to retrain these useless
394
00:30:30,846 --> 00:30:34,532
old musicians with their brown
fiddles and little horns.
395
00:30:35,479 --> 00:30:42,167
Give them a trade! A reason to exist in the modern
world! A chance of a happier, more productive life.
396
00:30:43,540 --> 00:30:50,760
Some will enter the military, some will learn
shorthand, and some will disappear in the middle
397
00:30:50,986 --> 00:30:53,700
of the night on a special train they're
sending in.
398
00:30:55,636 --> 00:31:00,811
It's the only way, really, to bring about
the final solution to the orchestra question.
399
00:31:03,935 --> 00:31:09,482
I'm sure that many of us realize that a pop group can
earn a vast amount of money compared to these
400
00:31:09,482 --> 00:31:16,014
other kinds of musicians. That's why the special government agencies for mass response
401
00:31:16,014 --> 00:31:22,295
programming and psychological stultification
prefer to treat them in a more subtle manner.
402
00:31:23,474 --> 00:31:29,169
They know, just as many of you vigilant and thoroughly upstanding citizens have discovered for yourselves,
403
00:31:29,859 --> 00:31:36,169
the power of pop music to corrupt and putrify the
minds of world youth are virtually limitless.
404
00:31:39,346 --> 00:31:42,004
Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
405
00:31:42,544 --> 00:31:45,659
I get so hard now I could die
406
00:31:50,378 --> 00:31:53,170
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
407
00:31:53,817 --> 00:31:57,410
I get so hard now I could die
408
00:32:01,657 --> 00:32:02,750
Open up your pocketbook,
409
00:32:03,006 --> 00:32:04,172
Get another quarter out,
410
00:32:04,439 --> 00:32:05,912
Drop it in the meter, mama
411
00:32:05,912 --> 00:32:07,950
Try me on for size
412
00:32:12,818 --> 00:32:13,787
Open up your pocketbook,
413
00:32:14,045 --> 00:32:15,202
Get another quarter out,
414
00:32:15,454 --> 00:32:16,673
Drop it in the meter, mama
415
00:32:16,673 --> 00:32:18,797
Try me on for size
416
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:26,203
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
417
00:32:26,407 --> 00:32:29,420
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
418
00:32:34,691 --> 00:32:37,077
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
419
00:32:37,609 --> 00:32:40,923
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
420
00:32:45,877 --> 00:32:47,054
Open up your pocketbook,
421
00:32:47,301 --> 00:32:48,381
Get another quarter out,
422
00:32:48,674 --> 00:32:49,956
Drop it in the meter, mama
423
00:32:49,956 --> 00:32:52,384
Try me on for size
424
00:32:57,268 --> 00:32:58,006
Open up your pocketbook,
425
00:32:58,301 --> 00:32:59,455
Get another quarter out,
426
00:32:59,704 --> 00:33:00,832
Drop it in the meter, mama
427
00:33:01,065 --> 00:33:02,924
Try me on for size
428
00:34:14,035 --> 00:34:16,210
Do you really wanna please me?
429
00:34:16,586 --> 00:34:19,003
Well, you know I do, babe
430
00:34:19,379 --> 00:34:21,681
Well, tell me why you do it
431
00:34:22,095 --> 00:34:24,273
I really wanna know
432
00:34:24,273 --> 00:34:25,971
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
433
00:34:26,274 --> 00:34:27,284
For me to tell you tonight
434
00:34:27,659 --> 00:34:28,720
You better tell me right away
435
00:34:28,720 --> 00:34:30,410
Or I'll pack up and go!
436
00:34:30,723 --> 00:34:31,526
Don't get mad
437
00:34:31,526 --> 00:34:32,846
It ain't no big thing
438
00:34:33,067 --> 00:34:34,243
You better tell me right away,
439
00:34:34,243 --> 00:34:35,598
Don't you treat me cold
440
00:34:35,846 --> 00:34:38,503
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!
441
00:34:40,347 --> 00:34:48,009
Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd . . . I'd
drag a girl such as yourself back to this . . .
442
00:34:48,009 --> 00:34:54,255
plastic hotel room and . . . rip you off
for spare change to run a
443
00:34:54,255 --> 00:35:00,658
. . . to run a vibrating machine attached to
this queen-size, bulk-purchase,
444
00:35:01,252 --> 00:35:04,961
kapok-infested,
do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed
445
00:35:05,515 --> 00:35:10,094
and . . . and make you take off all your
little clothes . . . until you were nearly
446
00:35:10,094 --> 00:35:17,548
STARK RAVING NUDE! (Save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thongheh . . . )
447
00:35:17,831 --> 00:35:23,048
Peace Medallion, heh . . . ) And make you assume
a series of marginally erotic poses involving
448
00:35:23,444 --> 00:35:32,299
. . . a plastic chair and . . . an old guitar strap
while I . . . did a wee-wee in your hair and
449
00:35:32,675 --> 00:35:38,770
. . . beat you with a pair of tennis
shoes . . . I got from Jeff Beck
450
00:35:56,732 --> 00:36:03,325
(mumbles . . . ) I gotta write this down
451
00:36:07,201 --> 00:36:08,668
. . . I got everything I need
452
00:36:12,010 --> 00:36:13,108
. . . for my new symphony
453
00:36:17,152 --> 00:36:20,073
. . . (mumbles . . . ) "See, this is what happens
when you join up a rock group, George,
454
00:36:20,073 --> 00:36:29,982
get off that jazz syndrome . . . there's no lust in jazz"Fantastic. Yes, I've got then now. Ah, give it soul,
455
00:36:30,702 --> 00:36:36,324
brother, get it on. Ah, those boys, those boys.
They're driving me crazy.
456
00:36:39,425 --> 00:36:42,382
Hey, look what's comin' through the door!
457
00:36:53,190 --> 00:36:54,472
MUHAMMITZ . . .
458
00:36:58,761 --> 00:37:10,729
Ah, it's really great now . . . more paper,
more paper . . . page two..
459
00:37:11,748 --> 00:37:22,919
(mumbles . . . ) Ah, another page! Don't leave
460
00:37:43,628 --> 00:37:50,890
me, oh, I can't live without your super substances,
461
00:37:51,941 --> 00:37:55,265
oh let me write that down, super substances!
462
00:37:55,755 --> 00:38:02,034
Yes! Oh, show me a little ass! Oh, scuze me
463
00:38:03,922 --> 00:38:08,969
. . . Oh, I want you now! C'mere you little darling!
464
00:38:19,317 --> 00:38:20,010
Blorp
465
00:38:21,479 --> 00:38:23,821
The lad searches the night for his newts
466
00:38:25,699 --> 00:38:26,387
Blorp
467
00:38:51,587 --> 00:38:54,041
The girl wants to fix him some broth.
468
00:38:57,775 --> 00:38:59,110
Tinsel cock!
469
00:39:01,086 --> 00:39:01,680
Doo-wee-do
470
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,399
Tinsel cock, my baby
471
00:39:05,290 --> 00:39:06,127
Would you like some broth?
472
00:39:06,488 --> 00:39:07,564
Some nice soup
473
00:39:07,957 --> 00:39:09,987
YUM! Some hot broth?
Small dogs in it, Doggies!
474
00:39:10,385 --> 00:39:13,446
Yooooouuuu . . . Do you?
You like broth? Doo-wadnum!
475
00:39:13,988 --> 00:39:15,801
Dog broth? Hot broth?
Hot dog broth? You like dog broth hot?
476
00:39:16,300 --> 00:39:19,176
Hot dog debris DEBRIS!
Dog debris!
477
00:39:23,551 --> 00:39:25,726
How do you like it?
Dog breath?
478
00:39:26,145 --> 00:39:28,519
Doo doo
Debris of the four styles offered
479
00:39:29,416 --> 00:39:31,022
DOG BROTH?
DOG BREATH BROTH?
480
00:39:31,416 --> 00:39:32,519
Debris, broth, breath,
481
00:39:32,519 --> 00:39:35,237
And the ever popular hygienic
482
00:39:36,634 --> 00:39:37,885
European version
483
00:39:38,915 --> 00:39:39,979
Tinsel cock!
484
00:39:42,282 --> 00:39:44,811
Tinsel cock!
485
00:39:49,962 --> 00:39:54,041
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh
486
00:39:54,638 --> 00:39:55,638
Which do you choose?
487
00:40:40,901 --> 00:40:41,887
The girl . . .
488
00:40:45,811 --> 00:40:48,153
In a statement to the press . . .
489
00:40:48,580 --> 00:40:49,393
Duh-D-Duhhh!
490
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:50,324
Explains . . .
491
00:40:58,855 --> 00:41:01,126
Broth reminds me of nuns
(Nuns)
492
00:41:03,356 --> 00:41:04,937
I see them smashing
(Kids)
493
00:41:04,937 --> 00:41:06,249
With rulers
494
00:41:08,372 --> 00:41:09,811
Disciplining munchkin cretins
(Munchkin cretins)
495
00:41:12,020 --> 00:41:14,437
Tortured munchkins
(Munchkin cretins)
496
00:41:15,113 --> 00:41:16,750
Tortured munchkins
497
00:41:17,670 --> 00:41:18,437
Irish Catholic victims
498
00:41:19,221 --> 00:41:22,554
Little green scratchy sweaters
(Sweaters)
499
00:41:24,054 --> 00:41:26,641
Little green scratchy ones
(Courduroy pants)
500
00:41:28,499 --> 00:41:30,771
Brown courduroy ponce
(Doo-ahh)
501
00:41:37,396 --> 00:41:39,125
Courduroy ponce
502
00:41:39,845 --> 00:41:41,993
And green scratchy munchkin
503
00:41:42,704 --> 00:41:45,796
Irish Catholic victims
(Munch-kins Munch-a-kins)
504
00:41:47,988 --> 00:41:49,515
Munchkins get me hot
505
00:41:51,845 --> 00:41:54,531
Munchkins get me, get me hot
506
00:41:56,052 --> 00:41:57,659
Hot!
507
00:41:58,053 --> 00:41:58,971
Gets her real hot
508
00:42:02,253 --> 00:42:06,189
Why don't you strap on this here bunch
509
00:42:07,219 --> 00:42:09,079
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o?
510
00:42:11,347 --> 00:42:14,474
Joy of my desiring
511
00:42:16,148 --> 00:42:19,096
You'll certainly look suave and get me hot
512
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:22,315
Hot, hot, get me hot and
513
00:42:22,582 --> 00:42:24,367
Horny
514
00:42:24,850 --> 00:42:25,315
(Ow!)
515
00:42:26,846 --> 00:42:28,743
If there's one thing I really get off on
516
00:42:29,253 --> 00:42:29,644
(YOINNNNG!)
517
00:42:29,644 --> 00:42:32,269
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
518
00:42:36,348 --> 00:42:37,588
Some old melodies
519
00:42:39,397 --> 00:42:40,223
4/4
520
00:42:40,725 --> 00:42:41,316
An aura
521
00:42:41,722 --> 00:42:42,336
An areola
522
00:42:43,934 --> 00:42:45,348
Pink gums
523
00:42:49,350 --> 00:42:51,620
Stumpy gray teeth
524
00:42:54,651 --> 00:42:56,504
Dental floss
525
00:42:59,464 --> 00:43:01,586
Gets me hot
526
00:43:05,316 --> 00:43:08,147
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?
527
00:43:18,785 --> 00:43:21,225
Han-Min-Noon-Toon Han-Toon-Ran
528
00:43:22,464 --> 00:43:23,100
No, Jeff!
529
00:43:23,724 --> 00:43:25,621
Rantoon, Rantoon, Rantoon, Frammin, Hantoon,
Rantoon, Hantoon, Frammin
530
00:43:26,806 --> 00:43:27,398
No no no!
531
00:43:28,305 --> 00:43:32,930
Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV with words of peace, love,
532
00:43:32,930 --> 00:43:41,836
and eternal cosmic wisdom . . . ! Leading me. Guiding me. On paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence, in the very
533
00:43:42,045 --> 00:43:44,649
midst of my drug-induced nocturnal emission.
534
00:43:45,610 --> 00:43:51,764
For I am your good conscience, Jeff. I know all. I see all. I am a cosmic love pulse matrix, becoming a technicolor interpositive!
535
00:43:56,930 --> 00:44:01,492
Huh? Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip.
536
00:44:09,728 --> 00:44:13,423
It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental
fragrance as what the Beatles get off on.
537
00:44:14,515 --> 00:44:22,328
I thought I recognized it . . . Sniff, sniff . . . Mmm, what
is that, MUSK? Sniff, sniff, sniff . . . mmmh!
538
00:44:23,713 --> 00:44:25,965
Jeff, I know what's good for you.
539
00:44:26,791 --> 00:44:29,235
Right. You're heavy.
540
00:44:34,027 --> 00:44:38,560
Yes, Jeff, I am your guiding light. Listen to me.
Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!
541
00:44:43,964 --> 00:44:45,371
Piss off, you little nitwit!
542
00:44:46,575 --> 00:44:47,862
Hey man, what's the deal?
543
00:44:48,248 --> 00:44:52,042
Don't listen to him, Jeff, he's no good. He'll
make you do BAD THINGS!
544
00:44:59,299 --> 00:45:00,622
You mean, he'll make me sin?
545
00:45:08,969 --> 00:45:11,715
Yes, Jeff. SIN!
546
00:45:15,528 --> 00:45:16,373
Wow!
547
00:45:21,085 --> 00:45:24,780
Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about
your soul.
548
00:45:25,644 --> 00:45:26,779
No, don't listen, Jeff.
549
00:45:27,189 --> 00:45:30,187
Why are you wasting your life, night after
night playing this comedy music?
550
00:45:30,501 --> 00:45:32,343
You're right, I'm too heavy to be in this group.
551
00:45:33,501 --> 00:45:34,606
Comedy music . . .
552
00:45:35,073 --> 00:45:36,253
Jeff, YOUR SOUL!
553
00:45:36,823 --> 00:45:38,105
Oh, ah Oh, you're wasting your life
To be . . .
554
00:45:38,481 --> 00:45:39,470
Ah Oh, ah Ah, ah
Too heavy, Jeff
555
00:45:42,481 --> 00:45:45,501
In this group, all I ever get to do is play Zappa's
comedy music. HE EATS!
556
00:45:45,889 --> 00:45:46,606
Jeff!
557
00:45:47,616 --> 00:45:48,108
I get so tense!
558
00:45:48,367 --> 00:45:50,264
Of course you do, my boy.
559
00:45:50,617 --> 00:45:54,087
The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall!
560
00:45:54,728 --> 00:45:57,885
That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ.
561
00:45:58,321 --> 00:45:59,219
And quit the group!
562
00:45:59,561 --> 00:46:00,538
You'll make it big!
563
00:46:00,916 --> 00:46:01,572
That's right.
564
00:46:01,852 --> 00:46:02,231
Of course!
565
00:46:02,501 --> 00:46:04,072
And then I won't be SMALL!
566
00:46:04,664 --> 00:46:05,258
Ha ha ha ha ha!
567
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:06,482
Ha ha ha!
568
00:46:07,072 --> 00:46:07,774
Ti-diddly-diddly-dee
569
00:46:08,123 --> 00:46:08,977
Ha, ha, ha . . .
570
00:46:09,374 --> 00:46:10,539
He-he-he-he-heh!
571
00:46:13,291 --> 00:46:18,978
Cough, cough. Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bathmat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the
572
00:46:19,509 --> 00:46:24,634
highest MILDEW rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally
573
00:46:24,634 --> 00:46:32,604
excluding tropical possessions . . . It's still damp. What an aroma! This is the best I ever got off! What can I say
574
00:46:32,948 --> 00:46:33,543
about this elixir?
575
00:46:33,543 --> 00:46:42,438
This is the real you, Jeff. Rip off a few more ashtrays. Get rid of some of that inner tension. Quit the comedy group!
576
00:46:44,094 --> 00:46:50,170
Get your own group together. Heavy! Like GRAND FUNK! Or BLACK SABBATH . . .
577
00:46:50,699 --> 00:46:51,214
No, Jeff . . .
578
00:46:51,527 --> 00:46:52,108
Or COVEN!
579
00:46:53,416 --> 00:46:56,916
Peace . . . Love . . .
580
00:46:58,138 --> 00:46:58,666
Bollocks!
581
00:46:59,325 --> 00:47:03,263
What can I say about this elixir?
582
00:47:28,529 --> 00:47:28,953
What?
583
00:47:28,953 --> 00:47:30,862
WOWWWWWW!
584
00:47:32,154 --> 00:47:32,841
What can I?
585
00:47:33,623 --> 00:47:35,676
WOWWWWWW!
586
00:47:38,155 --> 00:47:38,576
What?
587
00:47:40,092 --> 00:47:42,124
What can I say about this?
588
00:47:43,487 --> 00:47:45,747
WOWWWWWW!
589
00:47:47,294 --> 00:47:49,468
Dwee-doo dee-ooo-poo
590
00:47:49,922 --> 00:47:50,687
Pa-dan!
591
00:47:53,127 --> 00:47:57,313
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen. Thrill-packed, fun-filled
592
00:47:57,563 --> 00:48:02,781
evenings on the French Riviera at the MIDEM convention. A fake tie, the whole bit. Watch Mutt eat, and Leon feed the
593
00:48:03,021 --> 00:48:07,249
geese. One thousand green business cards, with your name and the wrong address. Plus six royalty statements,
594
00:48:07,624 --> 00:48:10,188
inspected and customized by Rantoon
Tan, Hantoon Frammin, and DEE . . .
595
00:48:10,188 --> 00:48:13,311
Followed by twelve potential suicides as the
members of your group, past and present,
596
00:48:13,311 --> 00:48:16,499
find out they can't collect unemployment. A dog,
a car, an epidemic of body lice,
597
00:48:16,499 --> 00:48:19,890
with your own record company, your name on the
door, electric buzzer to the inner office,
598
00:48:19,890 --> 00:48:23,333
and Ona's tits, and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon.
599
00:48:23,333 --> 00:48:27,061
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? As a fake
rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?
600
00:48:28,875 --> 00:48:29,782
Hunna hunna hunna
601
00:48:31,530 --> 00:48:33,709
200 Motels
602
00:48:41,782 --> 00:48:42,982
200 Motels
603
00:48:48,428 --> 00:48:49,782
Ran toon han toon
604
00:48:55,066 --> 00:48:56,313
Han-toon-hannnnnn!
605
00:48:56,313 --> 00:48:57,596
200 Motels
606
00:49:01,191 --> 00:49:02,972
I'm stealing the room!
607
00:49:08,527 --> 00:49:10,534
I'm stealing the room!
608
00:49:32,317 --> 00:49:41,194
I'm going to die. I know I'm going to die, I can tell because my pulse is so weak. The pills . . . I took so many downers
609
00:49:41,473 --> 00:49:43,670
that I know this is the end for me.
610
00:49:44,267 --> 00:49:48,160
You poor thing. You want us to fix your hair for you
so you look good when they find you?
611
00:49:48,610 --> 00:49:49,508
Oh . . . would you?
612
00:49:49,977 --> 00:49:53,017
Sure, whaddyawant? A ponytail? A flat-top with fenders?
613
00:49:54,172 --> 00:49:58,486
I'm gonna die, Janet, I'm gonna O.D.! So,
make me look good.
614
00:49:59,751 --> 00:50:05,099
Listen, the best I can do for you is fix your hair, so why don't you get up and wash that melted eye makeup off your face.
615
00:50:05,736 --> 00:50:13,725
Is it smeared? I've been crying so much . . . it's so damn sad when you know you'll never see all your friends anymore.
616
00:50:15,286 --> 00:50:21,259
Every week it's the same old thing. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. Somebody went out on you. Somebody
617
00:50:21,259 --> 00:50:27,134
doesn't love you anymore. How long you been a groupie? You should get used to romances which are so obviously
618
00:50:27,407 --> 00:50:34,801
cheap. Listen, just in case you crash out, and the imaginary rock and roll newspaper from San Francisco wants to get
619
00:50:34,801 --> 00:50:37,924
any pictures of you, you'll look like you
washed your face. Really.
620
00:50:38,602 --> 00:50:42,895
It's better this way with a clean face.
People think groupies are such dirty girls.
621
00:50:47,330 --> 00:50:49,049
Heh . . . I wouldn't mind sort of fucking all
three of them!
622
00:50:49,522 --> 00:50:50,601
Look, over there!
623
00:50:51,071 --> 00:50:51,456
What?
624
00:50:51,456 --> 00:50:54,166
He's doing it, he's watching us from the fake
bandstand with the binoculars!
625
00:50:54,487 --> 00:50:55,424
Who, the English dude?
626
00:50:55,424 --> 00:50:56,446
Oh, rivet-boy!
627
00:50:56,824 --> 00:50:58,083
The rivet boy? Where?
628
00:50:58,980 --> 00:51:01,634
Over there, wipe that stuff out of your eyes.
It looks like he's beating off.
629
00:51:02,206 --> 00:51:03,896
Beating off? I knew he was a pervert.
630
00:51:04,762 --> 00:51:09,147
Eww, how exciting. Hey, are you still
trying to O.D.?
631
00:51:09,989 --> 00:51:15,081
Yes, this definitely is the end for me!
I feel so faint! So weak!
632
00:51:23,792 --> 00:51:27,418
Good evening honey, that was the most imaginary
collapse I've seen since last week.
633
00:51:28,106 --> 00:51:29,824
Janet, do you think she's going to die?
634
00:51:29,824 --> 00:51:31,760
Are you kidding? Did you see her hit
the floor?
635
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:35,746
God, well it was so obviously cheap. Lift up
your head, honey.
636
00:51:36,034 --> 00:51:38,326
I'm going to die. This time it's real.
637
00:51:40,870 --> 00:51:43,983
Listen, Lucy, we gotta get ready for our big dance
number, we're going to the fake nightclub tonight.
638
00:51:45,387 --> 00:51:46,465
Everything's getting dim.
639
00:51:48,888 --> 00:51:51,730
Why don't you tell her a story while you put
your makeup on? Good evening.
640
00:51:56,858 --> 00:52:00,558
Oh. Listen, toots. I'm going to make up a nice
little fairy tale for you.
641
00:52:01,450 --> 00:52:04,294
The pills, the Mandrax, I took so many of them.
642
00:52:05,514 --> 00:52:10,889
I'll tell you part of the story, and then you make up another part that goes along with it. Once upon a time
643
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:15,876
there was a tall, handsome, muscular . . .
644
00:52:16,815 --> 00:52:17,424
Dwarf.
645
00:52:18,911 --> 00:52:19,795
. . . with a very special . . .
646
00:52:20,536 --> 00:52:22,607
Swedish apparatus!
647
00:52:24,201 --> 00:52:26,547
. . . that him and his friends would use in c
onjunction with . . .
648
00:52:27,231 --> 00:52:29,514
Bold new surgical experiments!
649
00:52:32,077 --> 00:52:32,719
. . . involving . . .
650
00:52:33,719 --> 00:52:35,732
A bludgeon, and a bottle of champagne . . .
651
00:52:36,975 --> 00:52:37,598
. . . and a . . .
652
00:52:37,954 --> 00:52:39,015
. . . microwave oven . . .
653
00:52:40,255 --> 00:52:40,795
. . . from a . . .
654
00:52:41,674 --> 00:52:45,452
. . . jumbo jet, one of the big jobs leased from
Air Rangoon!
655
00:52:47,235 --> 00:52:48,486
. . . which, when used correctly . . .
656
00:52:48,925 --> 00:52:51,232
. . . can effectively increase the dimensions . . .
657
00:52:52,359 --> 00:52:53,718
. . . and firepower of your . . .
658
00:52:54,255 --> 00:52:54,767
. . . dick . . .
659
00:52:55,425 --> 00:52:56,226
. . . to the point where . . .
660
00:52:57,004 --> 00:53:02,374
. . . in some instances, it should be classified
as a lethal weapon!
661
00:53:06,986 --> 00:53:09,819
Your dick!
662
00:53:11,391 --> 00:53:12,047
Your dick?
663
00:53:13,862 --> 00:53:15,062
Your dork!
664
00:53:18,175 --> 00:53:18,957
Your dork?
665
00:53:21,382 --> 00:53:24,174
Your prick!
666
00:53:25,831 --> 00:53:26,642
Your prick?
667
00:53:29,550 --> 00:53:30,750
Your pork!
668
00:53:34,351 --> 00:53:35,143
Your pork?
669
00:53:37,003 --> 00:53:37,644
Your pork?
670
00:53:38,601 --> 00:53:42,449
Who calls it a pork? These men, and the stuff they call a wee-wee!
671
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:45,782
A wee-wee?
672
00:53:50,924 --> 00:53:52,704
You mean a penis, don't you?
673
00:53:55,734 --> 00:53:57,167
A penis?
674
00:53:58,040 --> 00:53:59,456
Penis is such an ugly word.
675
00:54:02,267 --> 00:54:03,298
It's not that ugly, really.
676
00:54:03,956 --> 00:54:05,548
Sure, I-I use it all the time.
677
00:54:08,144 --> 00:54:11,097
Sure, sure, we all say it every once in
a while. Listen:
678
00:54:11,926 --> 00:54:12,819
PENIS.
679
00:54:15,581 --> 00:54:16,563
Ewww!
680
00:54:23,737 --> 00:54:25,297
Penis! Penis!
681
00:54:29,471 --> 00:54:32,739
Ew, it sounds so revolting the way you guys
say it. Ew, ka-ka.
682
00:54:34,304 --> 00:54:35,645
Ka-ka!
683
00:54:38,645 --> 00:54:41,895
The penis can be a very useful organ.
684
00:54:43,009 --> 00:54:45,333
Yeah, and very exciting, too, once you get
to know me.
685
00:54:46,112 --> 00:54:48,179
Oh, yeah, right, yeah, etc . . .
686
00:54:49,676 --> 00:54:51,135
Penis!
687
00:54:52,115 --> 00:54:53,759
It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal.
688
00:54:54,585 --> 00:54:57,115
A penis sounds like something a doctor would
have hanging off of him.
689
00:54:58,052 --> 00:55:03,084
None of the men I know and love in the rock and roll business got penises. They all got cocks or dicks at least.
690
00:55:04,210 --> 00:55:08,105
Sure, you want to go strap on a pop star, and he
wants to stick a penis up you, where is that at?
691
00:55:09,874 --> 00:55:13,027
Let's ask our studio audience!
692
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:29,185
Will you trade what he has in his pants
for what I have behind this curtain?
693
00:55:31,470 --> 00:55:32,200
What is it?
694
00:55:32,802 --> 00:55:33,843
You mean what's in his pants?
695
00:55:34,207 --> 00:55:35,904
I know what's in his pants, he's a lonely guy.
696
00:55:39,779 --> 00:55:47,803
You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling. You! Hey, buddy! Sky marshall! Go whirl the big wheel!
697
00:55:49,155 --> 00:55:50,238
Can I just take the money?
698
00:55:50,877 --> 00:55:52,737
There isn't any money, just the curtain
and . . .
699
00:55:53,187 --> 00:55:54,076
. . . the lonely guy.
700
00:55:58,873 --> 00:56:02,312
Time is running out, think it over carefully.
701
00:56:02,805 --> 00:56:03,347
The curtain!
702
00:56:03,908 --> 00:56:04,805
I want the money.
703
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:07,803
Wait! What could it be in there?
704
00:56:08,378 --> 00:56:08,959
In his pants?
705
00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:10,034
In the curtain!
706
00:56:11,097 --> 00:56:13,129
Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?
707
00:56:14,565 --> 00:56:18,345
Penis dimension
708
00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:26,175
Penis dimension
709
00:56:35,068 --> 00:56:39,819
Penis dimension is worrying me
710
00:56:45,476 --> 00:56:50,144
I can't hardly sleep at night
711
00:56:52,403 --> 00:56:56,381
'Cause of penis dimension
712
00:57:11,654 --> 00:57:13,028
Do you worry?
713
00:57:13,652 --> 00:57:15,598
Do you worry a lot?
714
00:57:23,496 --> 00:57:24,246
No!
715
00:57:34,382 --> 00:57:35,790
Do you worry?
716
00:57:36,040 --> 00:57:38,371
Do you worry and moan . . .
717
00:57:44,321 --> 00:57:50,320
That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough?
718
00:58:00,134 --> 00:58:04,250
It's your penis dimension!
719
00:58:10,227 --> 00:58:13,274
Penis dimension!
720
00:58:21,045 --> 00:58:24,566
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
721
00:58:25,793 --> 00:58:29,572
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
722
00:58:41,573 --> 00:58:49,920
Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of
723
00:58:51,998 --> 00:58:59,883
many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious
724
00:59:00,311 --> 00:59:08,967
tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force
a human being to have to become
725
00:59:09,540 --> 00:59:11,039
a politician!
726
00:59:12,573 --> 00:59:13,885
A policeman!
727
00:59:15,540 --> 00:59:17,260
A Jesuit monk
728
00:59:19,369 --> 00:59:29,994
A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone
729
00:59:30,305 --> 00:59:34,336
BEEF-UP, they become writers of hot books
730
00:59:35,296 --> 00:59:43,391
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning
phallus in her quivering quim."
731
00:59:44,153 --> 00:59:46,836
Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!
732
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:58,399
"Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated
member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha! Ooh . . .
733
01:00:00,293 --> 01:00:08,184
Or race horse jockeys. There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough, without
734
01:00:08,768 --> 01:00:13,621
the size of your organ adding even more
misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
735
01:00:13,890 --> 01:00:14,840
Right on, right on!
736
01:00:15,416 --> 01:00:25,213
Now, if you're a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:
737
01:00:26,642 --> 01:00:31,746
ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES!
738
01:00:32,839 --> 01:00:39,216
And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you
739
01:00:39,216 --> 01:00:46,236
aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up
740
01:00:46,236 --> 01:00:47,561
and down and he says, uh . . .
741
01:00:48,239 --> 01:00:51,167
Eight inches or less?
742
01:00:53,615 --> 01:00:58,467
Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you've got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right
743
01:00:58,771 --> 01:01:02,403
between the eyes, and you got to tell him
these words:
744
01:01:03,716 --> 01:01:07,373
I stuff three pair of socks and a bar of beauty soap down in front of my pants!
745
01:01:13,375 --> 01:01:18,500
She painted up her face
746
01:01:24,500 --> 01:01:30,139
She sat before the mirror
747
01:01:36,470 --> 01:01:41,273
She painted up her face
748
01:01:43,127 --> 01:01:47,640
She drew the mirror nearer
749
01:01:56,565 --> 01:02:00,990
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
750
01:02:02,911 --> 01:02:05,193
The STARE!
751
01:02:09,631 --> 01:02:10,831
The STARE!
752
01:02:17,932 --> 01:02:19,465
(The 'secret stare' she would use
753
01:02:19,465 --> 01:02:22,379
If a worthy-looking victim should appear)
754
01:02:35,853 --> 01:02:39,193
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
755
01:02:40,694 --> 01:02:47,187
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh)
756
01:02:47,914 --> 01:02:51,540
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
757
01:04:16,442 --> 01:04:20,416
The clock upon the wall
758
01:04:26,782 --> 01:04:32,095
Has struck the midnight hour!
759
01:04:37,732 --> 01:04:40,921
She finishes her call;
760
01:04:44,639 --> 01:04:49,659
Her girlfriend's in the shower
761
01:04:57,702 --> 01:05:00,734
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
762
01:05:06,201 --> 01:05:07,921
Half a dozen provocative squats!
763
01:05:08,452 --> 01:05:10,475
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
764
01:05:10,952 --> 01:05:11,737
Brushes her teeth;
765
01:05:12,297 --> 01:05:14,566
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
766
01:05:21,764 --> 01:05:25,374
(It's getting her, getting her
767
01:05:25,986 --> 01:05:30,640
Hot--Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
768
01:05:33,079 --> 01:05:36,017
She's just twenty-four
769
01:05:36,704 --> 01:05:39,922
And she can't get off,
770
01:05:40,467 --> 01:05:44,892
A sad but typical case, yeah
771
01:05:48,032 --> 01:05:50,580
Last dude to do her
772
01:05:50,860 --> 01:05:53,579
Got in and got soft;
773
01:05:54,172 --> 01:05:55,611
She blew it,
774
01:05:55,907 --> 01:05:59,298
And laughed in his face, yeah!
775
01:05:59,705 --> 01:06:02,322
Face, yeah!
776
01:06:02,822 --> 01:06:04,050
Yeah
777
01:07:39,461 --> 01:07:44,178
She chooses all the clothes
778
01:07:49,835 --> 01:07:55,825
She'll wear tonight to dance in!
779
01:08:01,069 --> 01:08:05,884
The places that she goes
780
01:08:07,717 --> 01:08:10,912
Are filled with guys from groups,
781
01:08:10,912 --> 01:08:13,653
(Yeah-yeah-yeah)
782
01:08:14,912 --> 01:08:18,506
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in
783
01:08:23,063 --> 01:08:23,537
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
784
01:08:23,537 --> 01:08:24,820
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
785
01:08:25,038 --> 01:08:26,365
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
786
01:08:26,710 --> 01:08:28,024
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
787
01:08:28,279 --> 01:08:29,758
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
788
01:08:30,126 --> 01:08:31,507
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
789
01:08:31,778 --> 01:08:33,163
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
790
01:08:33,571 --> 01:08:35,023
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
791
01:08:44,366 --> 01:08:50,086
Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
792
01:08:52,970 --> 01:08:58,745
Twenty or thirty at times there have been--
793
01:09:01,095 --> 01:09:06,552
Somewhat desirable boys there--
794
01:09:08,943 --> 01:09:14,304
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair--
795
01:09:16,708 --> 01:09:22,435
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in
796
01:09:31,348 --> 01:09:37,996
Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
797
01:09:39,472 --> 01:09:44,519
Twenty or thirty at times there have been--
798
01:09:46,819 --> 01:09:51,869
Somewhat desirable boys there--
799
01:09:54,005 --> 01:09:58,941
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair--
800
01:10:01,152 --> 01:10:06,881
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in
801
01:10:14,663 --> 01:10:20,447
Hello there. All the guys in the band are pretending to
get ready so they can go out and find some pussy.
802
01:10:22,180 --> 01:10:24,059
Oh, I wonder where the action is in this town?
803
01:10:24,850 --> 01:10:26,759
Every musician likes to find some pussy.
804
01:10:27,568 --> 01:10:37,210
Boy, I coulda really scored last night. But every night its the same thing; Aynsley gets there first. He's so FAST . . .
805
01:10:38,414 --> 01:10:45,917
it must be from playing the drums or something. I mean . . . if those girls over there only knew my secret identity, but
806
01:10:45,917 --> 01:10:53,103
. . . but how COULD they? How- how could they
know that I am Bwana Dik?
807
01:10:54,751 --> 01:11:04,043
Where's my hair dryer? Got to look lovely for
the girls. After all, I am Bwana Dik.
808
01:11:05,633 --> 01:11:09,686
Each guy has his own speciality for getting the
girl of his dreams.
809
01:11:11,478 --> 01:11:16,999
I sprayed my pits . . . I put on a new tie-dye
t-shirt . . . I brushed my teeth . . .
810
01:11:18,812 --> 01:11:20,261
I cleaned my glasses . . .
811
01:11:21,155 --> 01:11:22,668
I buffed my nails.
812
01:11:23,658 --> 01:11:27,524
I bought a copy of Down Beat so I could carry it
around and look like I knew what was happening.
813
01:11:28,761 --> 01:11:31,026
I left my shirt unbuttoned at the top . . .
814
01:11:31,465 --> 01:11:39,167
I just KNOW I'm gonna get laid tonight. I'm not taking any chances. I got this little jar of tinsel glitter here . . . the
815
01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:48,449
same brand Danny Hutton puts on his face that makes him look all . . . glistening and seductive. Just put a little on
816
01:11:50,211 --> 01:11:58,273
here . . . the cheeks . . . the chin . . . mmm, the quivering lips . . . I'm so commercial I could die! Somebody . . .
817
01:11:58,273 --> 01:12:01,203
TURN ON A BLUE SPOTLIGHT!!!
818
01:12:04,538 --> 01:12:05,638
What will this morning
819
01:12:20,334 --> 01:12:21,434
bring me this evening?
820
01:12:29,179 --> 01:12:30,229
Some local hot action
821
01:12:36,932 --> 01:12:38,983
(I'm a young lonely guy)
822
01:12:39,366 --> 01:12:49,390
Before we are leaving (maybe we can get some head)
823
01:12:52,766 --> 01:12:55,524
Go to the club or the bar or wherever the pussy is found
824
01:12:55,932 --> 01:12:58,213
In the town your band is booked to play in
825
01:13:03,358 --> 01:13:04,609
It's always a little bit harder to score
826
01:13:04,609 --> 01:13:07,838
If it's just your first time in a town you never hit before
827
01:13:14,432 --> 01:13:20,369
If you stayed in it once and got laid
828
01:13:23,994 --> 01:13:29,916
You've got it made, ahhh, got it made
829
01:13:33,494 --> 01:13:36,026
If it's just your first time
830
01:13:36,466 --> 01:13:40,922
Then you know it's no fun to go
831
01:13:41,606 --> 01:13:46,994
Back to a plastic hotel all alone
832
01:13:51,988 --> 01:13:52,982
Go to the club or the bar
833
01:13:53,433 --> 01:13:54,333
Go to the club or the bar
834
01:13:54,643 --> 01:13:55,872
Go to the club or the bar
835
01:13:56,298 --> 01:13:57,871
Or wherever the pussy is found
836
01:14:18,988 --> 01:14:19,612
(Boy, do I need it!)
837
01:14:27,402 --> 01:14:30,019
(Open up!)
838
01:14:30,965 --> 01:14:33,246
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
839
01:14:33,841 --> 01:14:36,266
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
840
01:14:42,621 --> 01:14:45,144
She's such a dignified lady
841
01:14:45,144 --> 01:14:47,214
She's so pretty and soft
842
01:14:47,498 --> 01:14:49,123
You can't call her a groupie
843
01:14:49,402 --> 01:14:50,685
It just pisses her off
844
01:14:51,298 --> 01:14:51,860
(Yeah)
845
01:14:51,860 --> 01:14:53,465
She got diamonds and jewelry
846
01:14:53,465 --> 01:14:55,371
She got lotsa new clothes
847
01:14:55,739 --> 01:14:57,623
She ain't hurtin' for money
848
01:14:57,833 --> 01:14:59,429
So that everyone knows
849
01:15:00,154 --> 01:15:02,298
That she knows what she wants
850
01:15:04,466 --> 01:15:06,532
Knows what she likes
851
01:15:08,645 --> 01:15:10,668
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
852
01:15:10,668 --> 01:15:14,606
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
853
01:15:16,904 --> 01:15:18,343
Daddy, daddy, daddy
854
01:15:20,175 --> 01:15:22,998
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you
855
01:15:26,076 --> 01:15:27,270
She left her place after midnight
856
01:15:27,554 --> 01:15:28,999
(La la la la la)
857
01:15:29,468 --> 01:15:31,467
And she drove to the club
858
01:15:31,763 --> 01:15:33,585
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
859
01:15:33,585 --> 01:15:35,499
You know that her and her partner
860
01:15:36,020 --> 01:15:37,452
(La la la la la)
861
01:15:37,873 --> 01:15:40,078
Came here lookin' for love
862
01:15:40,078 --> 01:15:41,865
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
863
01:15:41,865 --> 01:15:44,092
They want a guy from a group
864
01:15:44,397 --> 01:15:46,000
(La la la la la)
865
01:15:46,396 --> 01:15:48,390
Got a thing in a charts
866
01:15:48,658 --> 01:15:50,305
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
867
01:15:50,657 --> 01:15:52,219
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
868
01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:56,938
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
869
01:15:58,345 --> 01:16:00,806
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
870
01:16:02,640 --> 01:16:04,579
They will give him their hearts
871
01:16:06,377 --> 01:16:09,985
'Cause they know what they want
(Do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?)
872
01:16:10,757 --> 01:16:14,080
And they know what they like
873
01:16:15,079 --> 01:16:17,394
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
874
01:16:19,131 --> 01:16:21,080
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
875
01:16:23,320 --> 01:16:25,110
Daddy, daddy, daddy
876
01:16:26,486 --> 01:16:29,205
Look out . . . they got their eyes on you
877
01:16:29,705 --> 01:16:31,737
FAM-BAM-YAK-A-TA-TAHHH!
878
01:16:32,176 --> 01:16:34,361
They know what they want
879
01:16:35,893 --> 01:16:38,267
Know what they like
880
01:16:40,022 --> 01:16:43,052
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
881
01:16:44,114 --> 01:16:47,136
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
882
01:16:48,271 --> 01:16:50,224
Daddy, daddy, daddy
883
01:16:51,178 --> 01:16:54,108
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
884
01:16:54,509 --> 01:16:56,147
(La la la la la)
885
01:16:56,568 --> 01:16:58,795
Screamin' all night
886
01:17:01,368 --> 01:17:05,396
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
887
01:17:06,148 --> 01:17:08,637
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
888
01:17:09,512 --> 01:17:12,179
It's a Bentley!
889
01:17:12,179 --> 01:17:12,396
(Ooh!)
890
01:17:13,450 --> 01:17:15,180
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
891
01:17:15,180 --> 01:17:16,867
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
892
01:17:17,101 --> 01:17:17,825
[...]
893
01:17:17,825 --> 01:17:19,056
(Ooh!)
894
01:17:19,056 --> 01:17:21,713
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
895
01:17:21,965 --> 01:17:23,480
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
896
01:17:23,480 --> 01:17:24,639
It's a Chevy!
897
01:17:24,639 --> 01:17:25,555
(Ooh!)
898
01:17:25,960 --> 01:17:28,617
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
899
01:17:28,617 --> 01:17:30,509
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
900
01:17:30,509 --> 01:17:31,806
Or a Lincoln!
901
01:17:32,227 --> 01:17:33,231
(Ooh!)
902
01:17:34,340 --> 01:17:36,697
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
903
01:17:38,524 --> 01:17:40,086
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
904
01:17:40,575 --> 01:17:41,369
['Cause they're dancin'!]
905
01:17:41,369 --> 01:17:42,148
(Ooh!)
906
01:17:42,672 --> 01:17:46,745
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
907
01:17:46,745 --> 01:17:47,900
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
908
01:17:48,295 --> 01:17:48,545
[...]
909
01:17:48,776 --> 01:17:50,266
(Ooh!)
910
01:17:50,898 --> 01:17:54,712
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
911
01:17:55,056 --> 01:17:56,683
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
912
01:17:57,075 --> 01:17:57,325
[...]
913
01:17:57,618 --> 01:17:58,931
(Ooh!)
914
01:17:59,151 --> 01:18:03,119
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
915
01:18:03,432 --> 01:18:04,588
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
916
01:18:04,806 --> 01:18:06,056
[...]
917
01:18:06,056 --> 01:18:06,860
(Ooh!)
918
01:18:07,487 --> 01:18:09,027
Ooo-ooo . . .
919
01:18:24,921 --> 01:18:31,372
Oh wow, what a night. What's the matter,
didn't you get any action tonight?
920
01:18:32,948 --> 01:18:34,237
Didn't you used to be with the Mothers?
921
01:18:34,796 --> 01:18:35,185
Yeah.
922
01:18:36,684 --> 01:18:37,638
Is this what you do now?
923
01:18:38,152 --> 01:18:45,998
I've got my own group, too. I don't mind being in this movie. I get a chance to transform a few times, drink these
924
01:18:47,026 --> 01:18:48,298
vile, foamy liquids.
925
01:18:49,111 --> 01:18:50,007
Bleagh.
926
01:18:58,387 --> 01:19:00,012
What kind of a life is that?
927
01:19:00,948 --> 01:19:05,137
It's not that bad! Really! I LIKE to be a monster
every once in awhile!
928
01:19:06,376 --> 01:19:08,638
No one will ever take you seriously after this.
929
01:19:09,558 --> 01:19:17,121
Why, because I transform? I LIKE to be a monster!
There's a little monster in every one of us.
930
01:19:17,870 --> 01:19:22,856
You'll probably stay here for the rest of your life with your fake potions and your twisted monster face. You coulda
931
01:19:23,504 --> 01:19:25,253
BEEN something in rock and roll.
932
01:19:25,982 --> 01:19:30,471
I TRIED to get a hit single. It drove me to drink.
933
01:19:31,450 --> 01:19:32,095
Ugh.
934
01:19:32,668 --> 01:19:35,471
Hoo-hoo-ha-ha . . .
935
01:19:36,099 --> 01:19:41,502
Go on, laugh about it. You could have been a star. You could have spread your aura across vast continental
936
01:19:41,502 --> 01:19:50,608
areas, your name on millions of small, hot lips, whispering under secure, pink blankets in the lonely midnight dark. But
937
01:19:50,608 --> 01:19:58,779
whaddya do? Ya join the Mothers, and ya end up working for Zappa, and he makes you be a creep! You coulda played
938
01:19:58,779 --> 01:20:03,317
the blues with John Mayall, or far-out exciting
jazz with Blood Sweat and Tears.
939
01:20:05,171 --> 01:20:06,234
You really think so?
940
01:20:07,161 --> 01:20:13,878
Look. No one will ever take you seriously after this. How can they take you seriously? In this business you've either
941
01:20:14,484 --> 01:20:18,234
got to play the blues or sing with a high voice.
942
01:20:20,893 --> 01:20:32,506
You're right. I never should have joined the Mothers. Why, I could be a star now! Oh, when I think of all those millions of . . .
943
01:20:32,954 --> 01:20:33,392
Hey.
944
01:20:33,392 --> 01:20:34,880
Hot pink juicy little . . .
945
01:20:35,860 --> 01:20:39,893
Hey. Listen, do you know where I can uh, get
any dope in this imaginary town?
946
01:20:40,195 --> 01:20:45,205
Man, there's no dope in this town. Just these
vile, foamy liquids.
947
01:20:45,813 --> 01:20:47,235
Well, they're fake aren't they?
948
01:20:47,577 --> 01:20:57,455
No, they're real! I mix them myself at home, and then I bring them in the morning . . . secret spiritual formulas . . .
949
01:20:58,577 --> 01:21:00,815
Ew, what's a secret spiritual formula?
950
01:21:01,912 --> 01:21:08,329
The stuff that goes in the elixir, the potion, whatever
I mix is irrelevant to the result.
951
01:21:09,301 --> 01:21:10,767
You mean they're fake potions, right?
952
01:21:11,581 --> 01:21:20,705
Look, it doesn't matter what's in the mix. It's the liquid! The concept . . . of the liquid . . . is enough to trigger a
953
01:21:20,705 --> 01:21:30,039
special cosmic state. Its because I'm so
spiritually evolved . . .
954
01:21:30,759 --> 01:21:36,134
Oh, listen, I just wanna get out of it, and go back to me fake motel room and play the blues, you know. Fuck your
955
01:21:36,134 --> 01:21:43,385
spiritual evolvement. Anyway, what happens if a new and exciting blues talent such as meself drinks your stuff?
956
01:21:44,323 --> 01:21:46,885
Here. Take this back to your fake room.
Drink it.
957
01:21:48,175 --> 01:21:51,114
I'd feel a lot happier if there was something I could smoke.
958
01:21:52,052 --> 01:22:01,043
Well, here. Dip this in it. Now, let it dry out. That
ought to get you a little HIGH. Or something.
959
01:22:03,231 --> 01:22:04,784
Ew, I can't take you seriously.
960
01:22:05,823 --> 01:22:07,354
Look, you might as well take this too.
961
01:22:12,397 --> 01:22:20,740
I know its only fake potion. Well listen. We should get together sometime. Have a jam. Yeah, play some blues.
962
01:22:22,023 --> 01:22:28,554
Extensions! Why not some extended blues licks?
White people can play the blues, you know.
963
01:22:32,235 --> 01:22:37,613
Hello. Frank. Yeah, I gave it to him.
964
01:22:39,657 --> 01:22:41,738
Yeah, he went back to the special room.
965
01:22:46,144 --> 01:22:49,943
No, no. He's gonna smoke it. Yeah, right.
966
01:22:51,455 --> 01:22:56,361
Hey, listen. You got any idea when we're
gonna get paid for this?
967
01:23:04,502 --> 01:23:05,557
What will I say
968
01:23:05,841 --> 01:23:07,661
The next day to whatever
969
01:23:08,056 --> 01:23:11,472
I drag to my hotel tonight?
970
01:23:12,723 --> 01:23:14,569
(If things go all right!)
971
01:23:15,257 --> 01:23:17,785
What will I say
972
01:23:18,161 --> 01:23:19,975
The next day to whatever
973
01:23:20,716 --> 01:23:23,099
I drag to my hotel tonight?
974
01:23:25,128 --> 01:23:27,662
(Will she be outasite?)
975
01:23:29,683 --> 01:23:30,824
What will this evening
976
01:23:31,330 --> 01:23:33,092
Bring me this morning?
977
01:23:33,653 --> 01:23:35,340
What will this evening
978
01:23:35,654 --> 01:23:37,370
Bring me this morning?
979
01:23:38,843 --> 01:23:39,592
A succulent fat one
980
01:23:39,859 --> 01:23:41,361
A mod little flat one
981
01:23:41,982 --> 01:23:45,778
Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!)
982
01:23:46,206 --> 01:23:49,871
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap
983
01:23:50,371 --> 01:23:53,918
What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
984
01:23:54,579 --> 01:23:56,720
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
985
01:23:57,404 --> 01:23:58,030
If things go all right!
986
01:23:58,466 --> 01:24:00,184
(If things go all right!)
987
01:24:00,625 --> 01:24:07,810
What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
988
01:24:08,689 --> 01:24:12,530
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
989
01:24:12,735 --> 01:24:14,155
Will she be outasite?
990
01:24:14,377 --> 01:24:15,216
(Will she be outasite?)
991
01:24:15,216 --> 01:24:18,656
What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
992
01:24:18,656 --> 01:24:20,991
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
993
01:24:20,991 --> 01:24:23,863
If things go all right!
994
01:24:25,022 --> 01:24:26,938
(If things go all right!)
995
01:24:27,342 --> 01:24:31,364
What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
996
01:24:31,780 --> 01:24:35,021
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
997
01:24:35,459 --> 01:24:36,796
Will she be outasite?
998
01:24:37,064 --> 01:24:39,001
(Will she be outasite?)
999
01:24:40,608 --> 01:24:49,942
Well listen. We should get together sometime. Have a jam. Yeah, play some blues. Extensions! Why not some
1000
01:24:49,942 --> 01:25:02,845
extended blues licks? White people can play the blues, you know. Extensions! Why n . . . Extensions! Why n . . . Extensions! Why n . . . Extensions! Why not some extended blues licks? Why not some extended blues licks?
1001
01:25:11,408 --> 01:25:18,307
Yeah, I gave it to him. Yeah, he went back to the
special room. No, no. He's gonna smoke it.
1002
01:26:03,753 --> 01:26:05,253
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff!
1003
01:26:05,668 --> 01:26:08,737
He should have never have used the elixir and
only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis . . .
1004
01:26:09,112 --> 01:26:15,688
That was BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, dressed up like Donovan, fading out on the wall-mounted TV screen. Jeff IS flipping
1005
01:26:15,688 --> 01:26:21,094
out. Road fatigue! We've got to get him back to normal before Zappa finds out, and steals it, and makes him do it in
1006
01:26:21,094 --> 01:26:22,414
the movie!
1007
01:26:23,345 --> 01:26:26,564
You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy,
Just GET OUT OF THIS GROUP!
1008
01:26:26,815 --> 01:26:31,724
Howard, that was Studebacher Hoch, dressed up like Jim Pons, giving career guidance to the bass player of a
1009
01:26:31,941 --> 01:26:36,772
rock-oriented comedy group. Jeff's imagination has
gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension.
1010
01:26:38,656 --> 01:26:40,029
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, the Phlorescent Leech!
1011
01:26:40,373 --> 01:26:42,626
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!
I'm stealing the towels! Ha ha . . . ha ha . . .
1012
01:26:43,267 --> 01:26:44,364
Stealing the room
1013
01:26:45,005 --> 01:26:46,718
Stealing the . . . Stealing the room
(Stealing the room)
1014
01:26:48,201 --> 01:26:49,115
I'm I'm
(Stealing)
1015
01:26:50,203 --> 01:26:51,552
Stealing Stealing
1016
01:26:52,658 --> 01:26:54,143
I'm I'm Stealing
1017
01:27:41,666 --> 01:27:48,447
This, as you might have gathered, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville
1018
01:27:48,447 --> 01:27:54,931
Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you, and to
express thanks for your attendance at this theater.
1019
01:27:58,168 --> 01:28:01,214
This might seem old fashioned to some of you,
but I'd like to join in on this song.
1020
01:28:01,494 --> 01:28:03,105
It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get
1021
01:28:03,323 --> 01:28:06,829
at the end of a movie, , it's the kind of
a song that people might sing
1022
01:28:07,187 --> 01:28:12,275
to let you in the audience know that we really like
you and care about you, yeah . . .
1023
01:28:12,716 --> 01:28:19,313
Understand how hard it is to laugh these days,
with all the terrible problems in the world!
1024
01:28:21,949 --> 01:28:28,637
Lord, have mercy on the people in England
1025
01:28:28,985 --> 01:28:37,623
For the terrible food these people must eat
1026
01:28:38,613 --> 01:28:40,845
(Baaahhh . . . excuse me a minute)
1027
01:28:42,826 --> 01:28:51,531
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
1028
01:28:51,938 --> 01:28:57,796
And God bless the mind of the man in the street
1029
01:29:09,644 --> 01:29:15,931
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
1030
01:29:16,377 --> 01:29:24,471
On the terrible functions they all must perform
1031
01:29:25,299 --> 01:29:31,925
God help the winos, the junkies, and the weirdos
1032
01:29:40,123 --> 01:29:46,434
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm.
1033
01:29:53,325 --> 01:30:00,301
Help everybody, so they all get some action
1034
01:30:00,301 --> 01:30:08,155
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction
1035
01:30:15,343 --> 01:30:17,719
A room and a meal
1036
01:30:18,094 --> 01:30:22,095
And a garbage disposal
1037
01:30:22,630 --> 01:30:26,051
A lawn and a hose'll
1038
01:30:26,533 --> 01:30:30,639
Be strictly genteel
1039
01:31:10,016 --> 01:31:16,333
Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots
1040
01:31:16,846 --> 01:31:24,394
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow
1041
01:31:32,380 --> 01:31:33,723
Help the black man
1042
01:31:39,284 --> 01:31:42,145
Help the poor man
1043
01:31:47,473 --> 01:31:50,119
Help the milk man
1044
01:31:51,334 --> 01:31:53,770
Help the door man
1045
01:31:54,284 --> 01:32:01,993
Help the lonely, neglected old farts that I know
1046
01:32:15,530 --> 01:32:17,499
Well, it certainly has been swell . . .
1047
01:32:20,903 --> 01:32:27,567
If your name wasn't on the list of blessings we've been passing out tonight, we don't want you to be pissed off.
1048
01:32:28,640 --> 01:32:29,139
No . . .
1049
01:32:28,916 --> 01:32:30,351
We don't want you to leave that theater.
1050
01:32:30,942 --> 01:32:35,833
Forgive him, for he knows not what he does.
But before we go on, I'd like to introduce to you . . .
1051
01:32:36,084 --> 01:32:39,256
On the other hand, maybe he does know . . .
1052
01:32:39,801 --> 01:32:49,274
. . . my good friend and musical associate, Mr. Howard Kaylan who's about to give us a closing final benediction.
1053
01:32:54,945 --> 01:32:59,106
They're gonna clear out the studio
1054
01:33:01,418 --> 01:33:04,696
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
1055
01:33:06,710 --> 01:33:10,100
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
1056
01:33:11,884 --> 01:33:15,670
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
1057
01:33:20,442 --> 01:33:25,568
They're gonna pay off all the . . .
(Oh, yeah!)
1058
01:33:27,842 --> 01:33:30,234
And then . . .
1059
01:33:33,048 --> 01:33:34,095
And then . . .
1060
01:33:34,733 --> 01:33:35,833
And then . . .
1061
01:33:36,593 --> 01:33:37,817
And then . . .
1062
01:33:38,467 --> 01:33:41,191
Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
1063
01:33:42,547 --> 01:33:45,359
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
1064
01:33:46,567 --> 01:33:48,030
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
1065
01:33:48,533 --> 01:33:49,703
Camera men
1066
01:33:50,769 --> 01:33:51,842
The make-up men
1067
01:33:52,796 --> 01:33:54,547
(The fake-up men)
1068
01:33:55,158 --> 01:33:56,095
Yeah, the rake-up men
1069
01:33:57,234 --> 01:33:59,141
(Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .)
1070
01:34:01,048 --> 01:34:03,255
They're all gonna rise up
1071
01:34:04,800 --> 01:34:05,829
They're gonna jump up
1072
01:34:06,502 --> 01:34:07,453
I said jump up
1073
01:34:08,410 --> 01:34:10,157
Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor
1074
01:34:12,942 --> 01:34:14,969
Jump right up and hit the door
1075
01:34:16,657 --> 01:34:19,861
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!
1076
01:34:20,570 --> 01:34:23,021
They're gonna ride on home
1077
01:34:24,050 --> 01:34:26,846
They're gonna ride on home
1078
01:34:28,079 --> 01:34:30,784
They're gonna ride on home
1079
01:34:32,008 --> 01:34:34,736
They're gonna ride on home
1080
01:34:36,472 --> 01:34:37,757
And once again
1081
01:34:38,533 --> 01:34:39,986
Take themselves
1082
01:34:40,673 --> 01:34:43,392
Seriously, yeeeah!
1083
01:34:44,519 --> 01:34:46,847
Two, three, four, seriously
1084
01:34:48,098 --> 01:34:50,973
They're all gonna go home (ye-hey!)
1085
01:34:51,883 --> 01:34:54,782
Through the driving sleet and rain
1086
01:34:55,846 --> 01:34:58,261
They're all gonna go home
1087
01:34:59,584 --> 01:35:01,696
Through the fog, through the dust
1088
01:35:03,536 --> 01:35:06,927
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost
1089
01:35:07,926 --> 01:35:09,553
They're all gonna go home
1090
01:35:11,471 --> 01:35:14,989
And get out of it as they can be, baby
1091
01:35:16,400 --> 01:35:19,178
And the same goes for me
1092
01:35:19,926 --> 01:35:22,820
(The same goes for me)
1093
01:35:24,410 --> 01:35:25,525
Oh, yeah!
1094
01:35:26,201 --> 01:35:27,634
Oh, yeah!
1095
01:35:28,254 --> 01:35:29,785
Oh, yeah!
1096
01:35:30,260 --> 01:35:31,817
Oh, yeah!
1097
01:35:32,913 --> 01:35:36,387
And each and every member of this rock
oriented comedy group in his own special way
1098
01:35:37,007 --> 01:35:38,584
Is gonna get out of it as he can be
1099
01:35:40,073 --> 01:35:42,697
We all gonna get wasted
1100
01:35:43,990 --> 01:35:46,459
We all gonna get twisted
1101
01:35:47,980 --> 01:35:50,731
We all gonna get wasted
1102
01:35:51,627 --> 01:35:54,626
We all gonna get twisted
1103
01:35:55,698 --> 01:35:58,229
And I am definitely gonna get . . .
1104
01:35:58,778 --> 01:35:59,339
REAMED
1105
01:35:59,566 --> 01:36:01,233
'Cause I'm such a lonely
1106
01:36:01,510 --> 01:36:03,003
I'm such a lonely
1107
01:36:03,514 --> 01:36:07,690
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!
1108
01:36:10,620 --> 01:36:13,982
Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . .
1109
01:36:14,517 --> 01:36:16,091
I am positively . . .
1110
01:36:16,764 --> 01:36:18,530
I just have to get . . .
1111
01:36:20,543 --> 01:36:28,231
BENT, REAMED AND WASTED
1112
01:36:32,590 --> 01:36:36,546
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!
1113
01:36:53,331 --> 01:36:59,100
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him. You noticed, all through this
1114
01:36:59,100 --> 01:37:05,831
material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. HE is
1115
01:37:05,831 --> 01:37:12,267
over there. HE is over on the left. HE is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there.
1116
01:37:12,267 --> 01:37:18,002
Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right?
1117
01:37:18,566 --> 01:37:23,415
You saw it . . . you know. Well that's 'cause HE's
over there. I've got to watch him for signs.
1118
01:37:23,644 --> 01:37:27,018
He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't
even believe the guy sometimes.
1119
01:37:27,870 --> 01:37:31,917
But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said,
"it's Frank's movie."
1120
01:37:32,456 --> 01:37:36,351
Now, we're THE MOTHERS, but it's still Frank's movie.
Let's say it, he got to paid for it,
1121
01:37:36,879 --> 01:37:42,145
he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets built . . .
It's so moche! I can't even stand it . . .
1122
01:37:42,894 --> 01:37:46,539
He's telling everybody, right now,
right over there, to . . .
1123
01:38:17,135 --> 01:38:18,251
Dick Barber / David Alexander
Dear Tommy,
1124
01:38:18,480 --> 01:38:19,526
200 MOTELS
1125
01:38:19,837 --> 01:38:22,280
I would be grateful if you would ensure that all meals,
bar bills and orders for coffee, etc., are, from this date
1126
01:38:22,627 --> 01:38:24,875
forwards, to be paid for by the person ordering them.
The only exceptions to this rule are the personnel listed
1127
01:38:25,214 --> 01:38:27,528
on the other memo I have sent you.
Regards. David Alexander, Production Manager
91799
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