All language subtitles for kevin can wait s02e16

Hey, did we get new towels?

'Cause the one I just used

was like drying off
with a wicker basket.

No.
No, I got new fabric softener.

It's supposed to be good
for the environment.

All right, we got to go
through this again?

"Good for the environment"
means it sucks.

"Recyclable" --
It falls apart.

"Organic" -- You pay twice as
much, and it tastes like crap.

That's a nice run, Dad.
Yeah.

Yeah. That's right up there
with your, uh,

"you burn more calories driving
than walking" theory.

It's about adrenaline.

Sweetheart.
Our results are here.

Results?
Yeah, we took one
of those DNA tests.

With just a little bit
of saliva,

they can unravel your DNA

and solve the mystery of your
ancestry for generations back.

I'm 98% English.

Whoa. Wait.

According to this,
I'm 16% Viking?

Viking?
Hold the cheese.

Let me see that thing.

Whoa.
This is incredible.

If you're 16% Viking,
that makes me, uh...

I guess -- I mean, you double
it up for the parent, right?

So you'd be -- Double it up.
That would be, uh...

You just bang it up twice.
You go, "Boom, boom."

Why --
I'm totally blanking on this.

Why am I blanking?
I don't e--

It's 32%.
32%.

32%.
That means I'm 1/3 Viking.

Great. I've already played three
sports, and now I'm a Viking?

Boys will never talk to me.

Yeah.
It's 'cause you're a Viking.

Hey, be proud of your
Nordic heritage, all right?

We're Vikings.

We're brave, we're strong,
and we are fearless.

Do you still want me
to pick up new fabric softener?
I do.

Uh, and get the one
with the little teddy bear

that rolls around
in the towels. Thanks.

Snuggles. That's what
all the Vikings used.

* I am not your ordinary guy

Vanessa:
Morning, Rootger.

Listen, a, uh -- A local
magazine is doing a story on me,

and they're gonna be
coming by,

taking pictures of me
in the office.

Oh, great. Yeah.
Yeah.

But if Kevin calls, you don't
need to mention it to him.

I'll handle it.
Just tell him I'm busy.

Got it.
Okay, great.

All right.
Thanks.

-Kevin!

Vanessa's busy.
Huh?

Hey!
Uh...you're here.

I thought you were tailing
Mr. Martin all day today.

I did.
Uh-huh.

Uh, it turns out he's cheating
with the FedEx lady.

I didn't even have
to get out of the car,

which is great 'cause I had
a bagel sandwich going.

Nice, nice.
Little...

Th-- The thing is, I --

Hey, Vanessa.
Hey...

uh, Kristen.

Um, this is Kristen
from Long Island Insider.

She wrote a story
about Monkey Fist.

So, this is Kevin,
and this is Rootger.

So, do you want
to just set up?

Yeah. I was thinking we
could shoot you on the couch

with the logo
in the background?
Great.

Photo shoot.
Heads-up would've been nice.

Not loving what I'm wearing,
but let's do it.

Let's make it happen.

There you go.

Uh, okay.

I guess you can just stand
next to Vanessa.

Yeah, right?
This will be good.

Maybe I'll go, like, arms
folded or something.

Really pop the biceps out.
A little Superman style, huh?

Yeah. Very cool.

Hey, uh, Kristen,
call my name.

Old photography trick.
Watch this.

Kristen, call my name.
I'm sorry?

You got to call my name --
When I --

When I'm back, like, this way,
you got to call my name.

He's not gonna shut up
until you do it,

so you just might
as well do it.
Yeah.

Okay. Kevin?
Yeah, what's up?

Take it. Snap it.

Snap that shot.

You got it? Shabang!

And -- And, Kevin,
let's do one

where you move back
just a little bit.

Sure, absolutely.
Let's make it happen here.

Just move back
one more step.

Sure, no problem.

Perfect.

Hey, Kristen,
call my name again.

Do it again. Yeah.
Kevin.

**

Oh. Hey, babe.

Can you remind me what
we're doing tomorrow night?

Oh, that's right -- "Dear
Evan Hansen" on Broadway.

Rhetorical question.
Boom!

Actually, I just read
a bad review,

and I was thinking
we should skip it.

What?
Joke from Chale! Boom!

Actually, it's not a joke.
We do have to skip it.

I, um

You remember I said my
Aunt Tracy was coming to visit?

Yeah, you said
that was next week.

I might've got
the dates mixed up.

So we have to miss
the hottest show on earth

because you have
to babysit your aunt?

Yes, and --
How do I say this nicely?

She's not quite right
in the head.

So unless we can find someone
to look after her,

we're stuck.

All right.

Fixed the dryer.
Dove right in.

I took
the whole thing apart.

Turns out it was just unplugged,
so you live, you learn.

Hey, Uncle Kyle,

how would you like to go on
a date with an English lady?

I'm in.
So, give me the lady deets.

Well, she's my aunt, Tracy.

Yeah, the whole "aunt" thing
doesn't work for me.

I, uh, took
my buddy's aunt out once.

They said she was fun,

which apparently meant
she had skin like a lizard.

Okay, you know what,
Uncle Kyle?

I didn't wanna have
to do this,

but if you don't help us out,

I will never hem
your fireman pants again.

But I'm odd-shaped.

With my wide hips
and my crazy inseam,

I can't go
to a regular tailor.

Well, that's not
my problem.

Fine.

When are we talking?

Tomorrow night.
Ah, can't do it.

Oh, crap.
Oh, sorry.

I was looking at 2014.

I'm back in.

**

Kevin:

Hey, Rootger.

Okay, you caught me.

I was trying
to read the magazine.

W

Okay,
you beat it out of me!

The article
they did on us.

You're not going
to like it.

"Vanessa Cellucci, the gutsy,
street-smart former cop

who runs Monkey Fist.

She's charming,
she's sassy as"...

Is this -- Is this whole thing
about Vanessa?

No, you're in there.
Halfway down.

"Vanessa has
a motley crew of assistants.

There's Kevin Gable,

the husky, hyperactive guy
who never stops talk--"

Husky?
What am I, 12?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just playing
a little game

called "Find Kevin
in the Magazine Article."

I don't seem to be
in here at all.

Hey, maybe I'm
in a picture.

Oh, yeah, there I am.
Nope. That's the printer.

Look, she wanted to do
an article about me.

I didn't know
what to say, okay?

Here's what you say --
We're partners, okay?

I'm not
your "husky assistant."

And by the way,
I've lost weight.

I don't know
if you noticed at all,

but I've been hitting the gym
like three, four times a week.

Not this week,
'cause I tweaked my back,

but next week, I'll probably
hit it four or five, maybe,

depending on
how busy Thursday is.

Did you even read
the article?

I mean, look.

"Forty under Forty:

Up and Coming Business Owners
of Long Island."

"Forty under Forty"?
Yes!

40 entrepreneurs
that are under 40.

So obviously
I had to leave you out.

But you're over 40.

Right, yes.

Okay.
By a couple of years.

You're over 45
by a couple of years.

By the way, people mistake me
for being under 40 all the time.

Oh, really? Name one.

Uh, how about Freddy
at the car wash?

Just this morning, he was like,
"What are you "

And I'm like,
"No, but thank you, Fred."
Mm.

These eye crinkles
that you got going on?

Dead giveaway.

My eye crinkles?
Yes.

By the way, what do you got
going on the side of your eyes?

'Cause if you're done
using 'em,

I'd like
to rake the leaves.

That's what I like to do
with those.

Okay,
before this turns ugly --

or just after --

I am sorry that I went
behind your back, okay?

Okay. Yes.

This article can really put
Monkey Fist on the map.

And I agree.
All right, look.

I'm sorry I said the comment
about your eye crinkles

and -- and
your turkey-neck thing.

Turkey neck?
What turkey

I never said that out loud,
did I?
No, you did not.

Point is, I'm sorry. That's
what I'm basically saying.

Okay.
I'm sorry.

You should stop talking
at this point.
Okay. Yeah, good point. Okay.

Here is the Casey file.

Anything else you need
from your husky assistant?

Oh, come on.
I thought you let this go.

Let what go?

It was one article
in a local magazine.

Nobody cares.

Hey, where do you want me
to hang this up?
No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.
It's nothing.

What's that?
It's nothing.

Everybody in the article
got a plaque. It's...

Okay, can I see that,
please?
Yeah.

Thank you. Oh!

Wait a minute.
"Vanessa Cellucci.

Founder and C.E.O.,
Monkey Fist Security.

'Forty under Forty.'"

I don't see my name on here.

I guess that's all right,
'cause it's a plaque of lies!

Come on.
You're just jealous now.

J
Are you kidd--

Let me set something
straight here.

Do you have any idea
how many plaques

I turn down
on a daily basis?

Uh, probably none?

Wha-- No. No. No.

A lot, right?

A lot. Yeah, yeah.
Really?

But you know what I do?

I turn them down
because I'm a team player.

Mm.
That's -- Yeah.

But now that I know that
we're lone wolves in this thing,

maybe I'll reconsider
my policy.

Okay.
Change it up, right?

Fine with me.
Start taking 'em.

Plaque it up, buddy.
I -- Oh, I will.

I will. I will.

Good. I don't care.
I really don't.

All right.
Who cares about this?

It's not even
a caring-about thing.
Okay.

Hey, Rootger.

When I say stuff like
"I get plaques offered daily,"

gonna need you
to back me up, okay?

Then we need
some sort of signal, guy.

'Cause I never know
what's going on.

**

So, Tracy, do you know
what you'd like to eat?

Yeah.
How 'bout some tequila shots?

Get this party started.

Wow.

Chale told me you were
a bit of a wild child.

Well, I'm on holiday.

Just wanna get
a little crazy.

I guess
I'm with the wrong guy.

I can get a little cray cray.

Yeah, just last week
at Karaoke, I sang a duet.

By myself.

Do you want to take a minute

and think about
what you just said?

I do not.
Oh, I get it.

They stuck me with you
because you're a wet blanket.

I am a firefighter.

Sometimes the only thing
between life and death

is a wet blanket.

I know your type.

Creature of habit,

going day to day
without really living.

But deep inside,
there's a young, fearless...

What's your name again?
Kyle.

A young, fearless Kyle,

wishing he'd taken
more risks in life.

Wow, you're good.

**

No, no, no.

I, uh --
I understand, Father Philip.

You don't give out plaques
for attending Mass.

Yep.

I-I respect that.
I do.

It's just that --
You know what it is?

I've been really consistent
lately, and I -- Yep.

No, I got it. Yeah.

Yeah, it does go
against humility.

Yes.

Okay, see you Sunday.
Bye.

He said no.

All right, you know what?

I'm a Viking, and --
and Vikings don't give up.

Right? They throw on
their furry boots,

they strap on
their helmet with the horns

and the -- the metal piece
that comes out

and blocks the nose
right there, and they fight.

I'm getting myself
a plaque.

I'll go with you.
I love it.

Uh...I have to forward the
calls to my cellphone, though.

What was it again?
What it star

Uh, star-seven --
I'll see you in the car.

I'm sorry.

Uh, the lady up there

said that this is the
Long Island Viking Society?

Yeah, yeah.
We used to have an office,

but it's super expensive,

so my mom was cool enough
to let us do it down here.

Uh, well, I'm Kevin.
This is Rootger.

Hey.
I'm Ragnar the Wise.

That's Jim the Red.

We got Medieval Mike,
and that there is Kimmy.

Hey, everybody.

Viking power.

I don't know.
Should I do, like, a sign?

Do you guys do, like,
something like that, or --

Oh, like a "V." Yeah!
Yeah.

We should do that.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Wow.

Look at
that Nordic dome.

That's a Viking
if ever I've seen one.

Actually, I'm Dutch.

He's the Viking.

Oh. Okay.
Yeah.

Well, uh,
I hate to be that guy,

but I'm gonna need
to see some proof.

Oh! Yeah, no.
Way ahead of you.

Uh, here you go.
Right there.

Wow. 16%?

I'm only 14%.
Oh, no, no, no.

That's actually
my daughter's test.

I'm -- I'm 32%, so...

Shut. Up.

So, anyway, what do you guys
do at these meetings?

You're looking at it.

Don't you do, like,
Viking stuff,

like, uh -- I don't know --
give out awards

or -- or plaques
or anything?

Sometimes we go to Chili's.

Let me ask you this.

You ever think about
giving out awards or plaques

or anything like that?
No, not really.

Okay, you know, I'm just gonna
stop beating around the bush,

and I think you guys
should give me a plaque.

What for?
Well, I don't know.

I mean, I came up with this
pretty much, right?

And then, um, I'm 32%.

I'm kind of your leader,
in a way.

Uh...
Good stuff. Good stuff.

Right?

Well, uh, we don't have
any plaques,

but I might have a scroll of
valor laying around somewhere.

S

Mm-hmm.

Get it.

**

-Hey, guys.
-Hey.

What's going on?

Mm, nothing.

Just hanging around.

Right?

Okay.

Obviously you two morons

want to talk about that stupid
thing hanging on the wall.

What is it?
Oh, this?

Nothing. Just, uh,
my Scandinavian brethren

just bestowed upon me

the highest honor
for personal achievement,

but whatevs.

Okay, why do you have to make
everything a competition?

Me?!
Yeah.

You're the one
who started this, all right?

By doing that article
behind my back.

Okay. Again, I should've
told you about it.

I am sorry.

From now on, we do
everything together as a team.

Okay, yeah.
All right.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Right after the ceremony,
we start fresh.

Ceremony?
Yeah.

There's a "Forty under Forty"
awards dinner,

and they asked me
to make a speech

after one of the honorees
was disqualified

'cause she wasn't really under
40, so it's just -- just...

You're not really
under 40.

Okay.

Totally different.

The girl was stupid enough to
post her birthday on Facebook.

Grandma deserved
what she got.

So, you're just gonna
get up there

and take the credit
for everything, right?

And you don't care
that I have something to say.

'Cause I have a lot
of stories to tell.
Do you?

Heroic ones about me.
Yeah. I --

"Heroic" stuff?
Oh, yeah. Very heroic.

Okay. Like?

Okay, how 'bout the time we
were locked in a meat locker?

You remember that?

And -- Yeah, and I got us out
with a broom handle

and -- and --
and a stick of gum.

Okay.
You used the broom handle

to break the glass
while you were chewing gum.

Got us out, didn't I?

I'm doing this
for the team, okay?

There's -- There's gonna be
300 people there.

We all win.

Please,
stop being a baby now.

300, huh?
Yes.

Yeah, that's a --

That's a lot of eyeballs
looking down on someone who's...

not really under 40.

A lot of hot lights
and everything.

I'm just saying,
that's a lotta lotta.

You know?

Okay. I know
what you're trying to do.

I'm not trying
to do anything.
Not gonna work.

You know what?
I'm serious.

I'm -- I'm sure you're
gonna be fine. I just --

I'm gonna be great.
Okay.

Thanks so much.
Yeah, all right.

Not worried about it, bud.

**

Oh. Whoa!

Ooh.
Yeah, how's it look?

Am I, uh, a little too, uh,
male model

Hmm...

No, I don't think
that's gonna be an issue.

But you look good.
Yeah.

Oh! And you're finally
wearing the shirt

that I got you
for Father's Day!

Yeah, don't read into it.

The only shirt in my closet
with buttons.

Where are you going?
Ah.

Vanessa's winning
a stupid award,

so I gotta go
to some stupid hotel

and listen to her give
some stupid speech.

A better friend
there never was.

What's the award?

Ah, Long Island
business owners under 40.

Under 40 what?

Exactly.

**

Where is Vanessa?

She was supposed to be here
a half-hour ago.

I have to say, coming here
to support Vanessa like this?

Classy stuff.
It's something new
I'm working on.

You know -- putting
the needs of others before me.

Nice.
Did you get four shrimp?

'Cause I only got three.

I don't know.

But don't you?
I mean, I think you'd...

You'd know how many shrimp
you had, right?

Oh.
I think Vanessa's up next.

Ladies and gentlemen,
from Monkey Fist Security,

Vanessa Cellucci.

I didn't even get
a chance to talk to her.

I wanted to say I'm sorry
for what I did.

I'll just do it tomorrow.

We'll talk
face-to-fa-a-ce.

"Forty under Forty!"

We made it!

Whoo!

**

Guys, you gotta save me.

That chick
is more than a handful.

I'm talking about three
straight days of crazy here.

She made me drive through
the Holland Tunnel blindfolded.

They have cameras.

Any idea what
that ticket's gonna be like?

I told you
this would happen.

She does this to men.

Yeah, yeah. I-I can't
hang out with her anymore.

I have a job, a pension,
model train set.

I just ordered
new mountains.

I wanna be alive
when they arrive.

Oh, that's her!

-Hi.
-Hi, guys.

Oh, Aunt Tracy.
How are you?

Where's Kyle?

He's -- Oh, not here.

His Subaru
is parked out front.

Okay, look, Aunt Tracy.

The truth is,
Uncle Kyle really likes you,

and he thinks
you're a lot of fun.

I just think you might be
a little too much for him.

Oh.
That's too bad.

He was such a sport,
doing all the things I wanted.

I thought I'd surprise him
with two V.I.P. tickets

to the model train show
at the Javits Center.

Oh, well.

I'm back in.

Forget what I said.

Those tickets
are impossible to get.

We're going to make
a quick pit stop.

Great. Where?

Atlantic City.

**

You may be wondering
how I got here.

Do you think
there's any way

they can turn down
the lights a little?

Just focus on her ear.

It's the only part
that still seems human.

Uh, luck and persever--

pers-- persev...

persever-- perseverance.

One second.

Mm!

All right, I can't.
I can't do this.

I have to be honest
with all of you.

What -- What Vanessa's
not being honest about

is the fact that she went
undercover this afternoon

at the Long Beach Aquarium,

and a jellyfish just
attached itself to her face.

And I'm guessing laid
quite a bit of eggs.
Okay.

Uh, but...

but she still wanted
to power through

and be here for you tonight,
and she did.

And I got to say,
that's a --

That's a true mark
of bravery right there.

Let's hear it
for Vanessa Cellucci.

Vanessa Cellucci, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,
speaking of bravery...

No, no, no.
Yeah, don't...

No, no.

Let me tell you about
a story of one man's quest

to get himself out
of a meat locker

with nothing
but a piece of gum

and a broomstick handle.

**

**

Hey. Pretty nice night
after all, huh?

Oh, okay.

Your...story --

Your st-- Okay.

Your story...
I'm -- Ye-- Oh.

Your -- You don't get --
I'm -- I'm not
getting any of it.

You're not? Okay.
Yeah.

Okay. Oh. Oh.
Mm.

Man: Your story went on
and on. And on. And on.

Oh, really?

Well, it seemed like
the whole crowd enjoyed it.

Oh, please.
So boring.

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.

All right.

I don't need
any of this crap.

I'll just go
in the other room.

Fine.
Fine.

Fine.
Fine!

Fine.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin. Kevin.
What?!

Thank you.

Look.

You don't have to thank me,
all right?

And by the way,
I got to tell you,

you don't need
any of this stuff.

You look fine without it.

Really?
Yes, really.

I'm trying so hard to smile,
but I don't think I can.

Oh, let's just get
back to work, then.

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing,
go bust your move *

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Ohhhhhh, yeah

* Don't want
no high-heel shoes *

* I just don't want no...