Original subtitles

Hey, did we get new towels?

'Cause the one I just used

was like drying off with a wicker basket.

No. No, I got new fabric softener.

It's supposed to be good for the environment.

All right, we got to go through this again?

"Good for the environment" means it sucks.

"Recyclable" -- It falls apart.

"Organic" -- You pay twice as much, and it tastes like crap.

That's a nice run, Dad. Yeah.

Yeah. That's right up there with your, uh,

"you burn more calories driving than walking" theory.

It's about adrenaline.

Sweetheart. Our results are here.

Results? Yeah, we took one of those DNA tests.

With just a little bit of saliva,

they can unravel your DNA

and solve the mystery of your ancestry for generations back.

I'm 98% English.

Whoa. Wait.

According to this, I'm 16% Viking?

Viking? Hold the cheese.

Let me see that thing.

Whoa. This is incredible.

If you're 16% Viking, that makes me, uh...

I guess -- I mean, you double it up for the parent, right?

So you'd be -- Double it up. That would be, uh...

You just bang it up twice. You go, "Boom, boom."

Why -- I'm totally blanking on this.

Why am I blanking? I don't e--

It's 32%. 32%.

32%. That means I'm 1/3 Viking.

Great. I've already played three sports, and now I'm a Viking?

Boys will never talk to me.

Yeah. It's 'cause you're a Viking.

Hey, be proud of your Nordic heritage, all right?

We're Vikings.

We're brave, we're strong, and we are fearless.

Do you still want me to pick up new fabric softener? I do.

Uh, and get the one with the little teddy bear

that rolls around in the towels. Thanks.

Snuggles. That's what all the Vikings used.

* I am not your ordinary guy

Vanessa: Morning, Rootger.

Listen, a, uh -- A local magazine is doing a story on me,

and they're gonna be coming by,

taking pictures of me in the office.

Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah.

But if Kevin calls, you don't need to mention it to him.

I'll handle it. Just tell him I'm busy.

Got it. Okay, great.

All right. Thanks.

-Kevin!

Vanessa's busy. Huh?

Hey! Uh...you're here.

I thought you were tailing Mr. Martin all day today.

I did. Uh-huh.

Uh, it turns out he's cheating with the FedEx lady.

I didn't even have to get out of the car,

which is great 'cause I had a bagel sandwich going.

Nice, nice. Little...

Th-- The thing is, I --

Hey, Vanessa. Hey...

uh, Kristen.

Um, this is Kristen from Long Island Insider.

She wrote a story about Monkey Fist.

So, this is Kevin, and this is Rootger.

So, do you want to just set up?

Yeah. I was thinking we could shoot you on the couch

with the logo in the background? Great.

Photo shoot. Heads-up would've been nice.

Not loving what I'm wearing, but let's do it.

Let's make it happen.

There you go.

Uh, okay.

I guess you can just stand next to Vanessa.

Yeah, right? This will be good.

Maybe I'll go, like, arms folded or something.

Really pop the biceps out. A little Superman style, huh?

Yeah. Very cool.

Hey, uh, Kristen, call my name.

Old photography trick. Watch this.

Kristen, call my name. I'm sorry?

You got to call my name -- When I --

When I'm back, like, this way, you got to call my name.

He's not gonna shut up until you do it,

so you just might as well do it. Yeah.

Okay. Kevin? Yeah, what's up?

Take it. Snap it.

Snap that shot.

You got it? Shabang!

And -- And, Kevin, let's do one

where you move back just a little bit.

Sure, absolutely. Let's make it happen here.

Just move back one more step.

Sure, no problem.

Perfect.

Hey, Kristen, call my name again.

Do it again. Yeah. Kevin.

**

Oh. Hey, babe.

Can you remind me what we're doing tomorrow night?

Oh, that's right -- "Dear Evan Hansen" on Broadway.

Rhetorical question. Boom!

Actually, I just read a bad review,

and I was thinking we should skip it.

What? Joke from Chale! Boom!

Actually, it's not a joke. We do have to skip it.

I, um

You remember I said my Aunt Tracy was coming to visit?

Yeah, you said that was next week.

I might've got the dates mixed up.

So we have to miss the hottest show on earth

because you have to babysit your aunt?

Yes, and -- How do I say this nicely?

She's not quite right in the head.

So unless we can find someone to look after her,

we're stuck.

All right.

Fixed the dryer. Dove right in.

I took the whole thing apart.

Turns out it was just unplugged, so you live, you learn.

Hey, Uncle Kyle,

how would you like to go on a date with an English lady?

I'm in. So, give me the lady deets.

Well, she's my aunt, Tracy.

Yeah, the whole "aunt" thing doesn't work for me.

I, uh, took my buddy's aunt out once.

They said she was fun,

which apparently meant she had skin like a lizard.

Okay, you know what, Uncle Kyle?

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but if you don't help us out,

I will never hem your fireman pants again.

But I'm odd-shaped.

With my wide hips and my crazy inseam,

I can't go to a regular tailor.

Well, that's not my problem.

Fine.

When are we talking?

Tomorrow night. Ah, can't do it.

Oh, crap. Oh, sorry.

I was looking at 2014.

I'm back in.

**

Kevin:

Hey, Rootger.

Okay, you caught me.

I was trying to read the magazine.

W

Okay, you beat it out of me!

The article they did on us.

You're not going to like it.

"Vanessa Cellucci, the gutsy, street-smart former cop

who runs Monkey Fist.

She's charming, she's sassy as"...

Is this -- Is this whole thing about Vanessa?

No, you're in there. Halfway down.

"Vanessa has a motley crew of assistants.

There's Kevin Gable,

the husky, hyperactive guy who never stops talk--"

Husky? What am I, 12?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just playing a little game

called "Find Kevin in the Magazine Article."

I don't seem to be in here at all.

Hey, maybe I'm in a picture.

Oh, yeah, there I am. Nope. That's the printer.

Look, she wanted to do an article about me.

I didn't know what to say, okay?

Here's what you say -- We're partners, okay?

I'm not your "husky assistant."

And by the way, I've lost weight.

I don't know if you noticed at all,

but I've been hitting the gym like three, four times a week.

Not this week, 'cause I tweaked my back,

but next week, I'll probably hit it four or five, maybe,

depending on how busy Thursday is.

Did you even read the article?

I mean, look.

"Forty under Forty:

Up and Coming Business Owners of Long Island."

"Forty under Forty"? Yes!

40 entrepreneurs that are under 40.

So obviously I had to leave you out.

But you're over 40.

Right, yes.

Okay. By a couple of years.

You're over 45 by a couple of years.

By the way, people mistake me for being under 40 all the time.

Oh, really? Name one.

Uh, how about Freddy at the car wash?

Just this morning, he was like, "What are you "

And I'm like, "No, but thank you, Fred." Mm.

These eye crinkles that you got going on?

Dead giveaway.

My eye crinkles? Yes.

By the way, what do you got going on the side of your eyes?

'Cause if you're done using 'em,

I'd like to rake the leaves.

That's what I like to do with those.

Okay, before this turns ugly --

or just after --

I am sorry that I went behind your back, okay?

Okay. Yes.

This article can really put Monkey Fist on the map.

And I agree. All right, look.

I'm sorry I said the comment about your eye crinkles

and -- and your turkey-neck thing.

Turkey neck? What turkey

I never said that out loud, did I? No, you did not.

Point is, I'm sorry. That's what I'm basically saying.

Okay. I'm sorry.

You should stop talking at this point. Okay. Yeah, good point. Okay.

Here is the Casey file.

Anything else you need from your husky assistant?

Oh, come on. I thought you let this go.

Let what go?

It was one article in a local magazine.

Nobody cares.

Hey, where do you want me to hang this up? No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. It's nothing.

What's that? It's nothing.

Everybody in the article got a plaque. It's...

Okay, can I see that, please? Yeah.

Thank you. Oh!

Wait a minute. "Vanessa Cellucci.

Founder and C.E.O., Monkey Fist Security.

'Forty under Forty.'"

I don't see my name on here.

I guess that's all right, 'cause it's a plaque of lies!

Come on. You're just jealous now.

J Are you kidd--

Let me set something straight here.

Do you have any idea how many plaques

I turn down on a daily basis?

Uh, probably none?

Wha-- No. No. No.

A lot, right?

A lot. Yeah, yeah. Really?

But you know what I do?

I turn them down because I'm a team player.

Mm. That's -- Yeah.

But now that I know that we're lone wolves in this thing,

maybe I'll reconsider my policy.

Okay. Change it up, right?

Fine with me. Start taking 'em.

Plaque it up, buddy. I -- Oh, I will.

I will. I will.

Good. I don't care. I really don't.

All right. Who cares about this?

It's not even a caring-about thing. Okay.

Hey, Rootger.

When I say stuff like "I get plaques offered daily,"

gonna need you to back me up, okay?

Then we need some sort of signal, guy.

'Cause I never know what's going on.

**

So, Tracy, do you know what you'd like to eat?

Yeah. How 'bout some tequila shots?

Get this party started.

Wow.

Chale told me you were a bit of a wild child.

Well, I'm on holiday.

Just wanna get a little crazy.

I guess I'm with the wrong guy.

I can get a little cray cray.

Yeah, just last week at Karaoke, I sang a duet.

By myself.

Do you want to take a minute

and think about what you just said?

I do not. Oh, I get it.

They stuck me with you because you're a wet blanket.

I am a firefighter.

Sometimes the only thing between life and death

is a wet blanket.

I know your type.

Creature of habit,

going day to day without really living.

But deep inside, there's a young, fearless...

What's your name again? Kyle.

A young, fearless Kyle,

wishing he'd taken more risks in life.

Wow, you're good.

**

No, no, no.

I, uh -- I understand, Father Philip.

You don't give out plaques for attending Mass.

Yep.

I-I respect that. I do.

It's just that -- You know what it is?

I've been really consistent lately, and I -- Yep.

No, I got it. Yeah.

Yeah, it does go against humility.

Yes.

Okay, see you Sunday. Bye.

He said no.

All right, you know what?

I'm a Viking, and -- and Vikings don't give up.

Right? They throw on their furry boots,

they strap on their helmet with the horns

and the -- the metal piece that comes out

and blocks the nose right there, and they fight.

I'm getting myself a plaque.

I'll go with you. I love it.

Uh...I have to forward the calls to my cellphone, though.

What was it again? What it star

Uh, star-seven -- I'll see you in the car.

I'm sorry.

Uh, the lady up there

said that this is the Long Island Viking Society?

Yeah, yeah. We used to have an office,

but it's super expensive,

so my mom was cool enough to let us do it down here.

Uh, well, I'm Kevin. This is Rootger.

Hey. I'm Ragnar the Wise.

That's Jim the Red.

We got Medieval Mike, and that there is Kimmy.

Hey, everybody.

Viking power.

I don't know. Should I do, like, a sign?

Do you guys do, like, something like that, or --

Oh, like a "V." Yeah! Yeah.

We should do that. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow.

Look at that Nordic dome.

That's a Viking if ever I've seen one.

Actually, I'm Dutch.

He's the Viking.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Well, uh, I hate to be that guy,

but I'm gonna need to see some proof.

Oh! Yeah, no. Way ahead of you.

Uh, here you go. Right there.

Wow. 16%?

I'm only 14%. Oh, no, no, no.

That's actually my daughter's test.

I'm -- I'm 32%, so...

Shut. Up.

So, anyway, what do you guys do at these meetings?

You're looking at it.

Don't you do, like, Viking stuff,

like, uh -- I don't know -- give out awards

or -- or plaques or anything?

Sometimes we go to Chili's.

Let me ask you this.

You ever think about giving out awards or plaques

or anything like that? No, not really.

Okay, you know, I'm just gonna stop beating around the bush,

and I think you guys should give me a plaque.

What for? Well, I don't know.

I mean, I came up with this pretty much, right?

And then, um, I'm 32%.

I'm kind of your leader, in a way.

Uh... Good stuff. Good stuff.

Right?

Well, uh, we don't have any plaques,

but I might have a scroll of valor laying around somewhere.

S

Mm-hmm.

Get it.

**

-Hey, guys. -Hey.

What's going on?

Mm, nothing.

Just hanging around.

Right?

Okay.

Obviously you two morons

want to talk about that stupid thing hanging on the wall.

What is it? Oh, this?

Nothing. Just, uh, my Scandinavian brethren

just bestowed upon me

the highest honor for personal achievement,

but whatevs.

Okay, why do you have to make everything a competition?

Me?! Yeah.

You're the one who started this, all right?

By doing that article behind my back.

Okay. Again, I should've told you about it.

I am sorry.

From now on, we do everything together as a team.

Okay, yeah. All right.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Right after the ceremony, we start fresh.

Ceremony? Yeah.

There's a "Forty under Forty" awards dinner,

and they asked me to make a speech

after one of the honorees was disqualified

'cause she wasn't really under 40, so it's just -- just...

You're not really under 40.

Okay.

Totally different.

The girl was stupid enough to post her birthday on Facebook.

Grandma deserved what she got.

So, you're just gonna get up there

and take the credit for everything, right?

And you don't care that I have something to say.

'Cause I have a lot of stories to tell. Do you?

Heroic ones about me. Yeah. I --

"Heroic" stuff? Oh, yeah. Very heroic.

Okay. Like?

Okay, how 'bout the time we were locked in a meat locker?

You remember that?

And -- Yeah, and I got us out with a broom handle

and -- and -- and a stick of gum.

Okay. You used the broom handle

to break the glass while you were chewing gum.

Got us out, didn't I?

I'm doing this for the team, okay?

There's -- There's gonna be 300 people there.

We all win.

Please, stop being a baby now.

300, huh? Yes.

Yeah, that's a --

That's a lot of eyeballs looking down on someone who's...

not really under 40.

A lot of hot lights and everything.

I'm just saying, that's a lotta lotta.

You know?

Okay. I know what you're trying to do.

I'm not trying to do anything. Not gonna work.

You know what? I'm serious.

I'm -- I'm sure you're gonna be fine. I just --

I'm gonna be great. Okay.

Thanks so much. Yeah, all right.

Not worried about it, bud.

**

Oh. Whoa!

Ooh. Yeah, how's it look?

Am I, uh, a little too, uh, male model

Hmm...

No, I don't think that's gonna be an issue.

But you look good. Yeah.

Oh! And you're finally wearing the shirt

that I got you for Father's Day!

Yeah, don't read into it.

The only shirt in my closet with buttons.

Where are you going? Ah.

Vanessa's winning a stupid award,

so I gotta go to some stupid hotel

and listen to her give some stupid speech.

A better friend there never was.

What's the award?

Ah, Long Island business owners under 40.

Under 40 what?

Exactly.

**

Where is Vanessa?

She was supposed to be here a half-hour ago.

I have to say, coming here to support Vanessa like this?

Classy stuff. It's something new I'm working on.

You know -- putting the needs of others before me.

Nice. Did you get four shrimp?

'Cause I only got three.

I don't know.

But don't you? I mean, I think you'd...

You'd know how many shrimp you had, right?

Oh. I think Vanessa's up next.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Monkey Fist Security,

Vanessa Cellucci.

I didn't even get a chance to talk to her.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I did.

I'll just do it tomorrow.

We'll talk face-to-fa-a-ce.

"Forty under Forty!"

We made it!

Whoo!

**

Guys, you gotta save me.

That chick is more than a handful.

I'm talking about three straight days of crazy here.

She made me drive through the Holland Tunnel blindfolded.

They have cameras.

Any idea what that ticket's gonna be like?

I told you this would happen.

She does this to men.

Yeah, yeah. I-I can't hang out with her anymore.

I have a job, a pension, model train set.

I just ordered new mountains.

I wanna be alive when they arrive.

Oh, that's her!

-Hi. -Hi, guys.

Oh, Aunt Tracy. How are you?

Where's Kyle?

He's -- Oh, not here.

His Subaru is parked out front.

Okay, look, Aunt Tracy.

The truth is, Uncle Kyle really likes you,

and he thinks you're a lot of fun.

I just think you might be a little too much for him.

Oh. That's too bad.

He was such a sport, doing all the things I wanted.

I thought I'd surprise him with two V.I.P. tickets

to the model train show at the Javits Center.

Oh, well.

I'm back in.

Forget what I said.

Those tickets are impossible to get.

We're going to make a quick pit stop.

Great. Where?

Atlantic City.

**

You may be wondering how I got here.

Do you think there's any way

they can turn down the lights a little?

Just focus on her ear.

It's the only part that still seems human.

Uh, luck and persever--

pers-- persev...

persever-- perseverance.

One second.

Mm!

All right, I can't. I can't do this.

I have to be honest with all of you.

What -- What Vanessa's not being honest about

is the fact that she went undercover this afternoon

at the Long Beach Aquarium,

and a jellyfish just attached itself to her face.

And I'm guessing laid quite a bit of eggs. Okay.

Uh, but...

but she still wanted to power through

and be here for you tonight, and she did.

And I got to say, that's a --

That's a true mark of bravery right there.

Let's hear it for Vanessa Cellucci.

Vanessa Cellucci, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, speaking of bravery...

No, no, no. Yeah, don't...

No, no.

Let me tell you about a story of one man's quest

to get himself out of a meat locker

with nothing but a piece of gum

and a broomstick handle.

**

**

Hey. Pretty nice night after all, huh?

Oh, okay.

Your...story --

Your st-- Okay.

Your story... I'm -- Ye-- Oh.

Your -- You don't get -- I'm -- I'm not getting any of it.

You're not? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Oh. Oh. Mm.

Man: Your story went on and on. And on. And on.

Oh, really?

Well, it seemed like the whole crowd enjoyed it.

Oh, please. So boring.

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.

All right.

I don't need any of this crap.

I'll just go in the other room.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine!

Fine.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. What?!

Thank you.

Look.

You don't have to thank me, all right?

And by the way, I got to tell you,

you don't need any of this stuff.

You look fine without it.

Really? Yes, really.

I'm trying so hard to smile, but I don't think I can.

Oh, let's just get back to work, then.

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing, go bust your move *

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Ohhhhhh, yeah

* Don't want no high-heel shoes *

* I just don't want no...