All language subtitles for kevin can wait s02e13

Hey, I need
some advice.

I want to go to
the Ed Sheeran concert

Saturday with
my friends, so...

how do I get Dad
to say yes?

Okay, first of all,

pronounce "Ed Sheeran concert"
like this.

Are you ready?

"Museum."

Got it.

And then he's gonna ask you
two questions --

"Who are you going with?" and
"How are you getting there?"

If you answer those
with confidence,

you are in
the Sheeran business.

You mean
museum business.

Ooh, nice!

Morning,
ladies.

Hi.
Hey.

Wow, looking sharp,
Dad.

Ah, yeah, Vanessa and I
got a pitch meeting today,

so you got to dress
like a winner.

Also put on some cologne
so I smell like a winner.

Yeah, yeah,

that's a lot of winning
you got on.

Yeah, the cap was loose.
She got away from me.

So, Dad, what do you
think about me

going to a museum
in the city Saturday night?

Who are you, uh --
Who are you going with?

Just some friends --
Kiera. Bunch of us.

Okay.
Um, who's driving?

Kiera's mom.

Okay.

Okay, what, uh --
what museum?

Um, the Museum of...

History.

History?

No, I-I think she means

the Museum
of Natural History,

right, Sara?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The natural one.
Naturally.

I guess it's okay.
I mean, just --

Wait a second.
Hold on a second.

What time does
the Museum of Natural History

close on Saturday?

At 5:45 p.m.

You're not going anywhere
'cause you lied!

I'm sorry. He had
a flip phone when
I was your age.

* I am not your ordinary guy

So, with our
low overhead,

we're able to provide
top-notch security

at a much lower cost
to you.

Bottom line is,
y-y-you need Monkey Fist

'cause people...
people out there are just --

they're bananas.

Hmm.
Bananas, monkeys...

I love it.

It was--
It wasn't even on the card.

I just threw that out there.
That was amazing.

It was good.
Well, I got a feeling
we'll see you real soon.

Alright!
This is amazing.

Great.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Okay.
Can you
believe that...

Alright,
alright.
Awesomeness.

Celebrate outside,
outside, outside.

Okay, now!

Yes!
Yeah!
We crushed it.

I mean, you were on fire
with the stats.

I got to say --
They weren't even
boring this time.

And -- And when you
went on about the --
the banana thing,

I was --
first, I was cringing...
Yeah.

...but then he liked it,
and I was like, "Okay!"
Okay.

I was like -- I couldn't even
believe it was happening.

I was literally hovering
above my body,

watching myself
say it.
Right?!

I was like,
"Go, go, go!" Yes!
Yes!

That is amazing!
We're gonna get this job.

I feel it.
I really do feel good.
I know. I know.

Let's go.
Let's go.
Okay, alright,
let's get out of here.

Cellucci?
Gable?
Frank Munson?

You -- What,
you working SWAT now?

Nah, nah,
I retired eight years ago.

Started my own company --
Nassau Security.

Oh.
Nassau Security?

You guys are huge.

We're doing alright.
Can't complain. You?

Uh, yeah,
we started one, too.

Monkey Fist.

We're banging
some pots and pans ourselves.

I don't follow.

You know,
just making some noise,

grabbing
some attention.

I'm sure
you heard of us.

No.

You guys
on Long Island?

Yes, we--
we're on Long Island.

We were just
in there pitching.

Oh,
totally crushed it.

We just nailed it.
Nice!

We're actually
heading in ourselves.

Matter of fact, John,
go plug in the fog machine.

F

Yeah, we do a little, uh,
weapons demo, some MMA.

You know,
the old dog and pony show.

Oh, yeah, right. Well,
she was in there just
dropping some facts

about all different
kinds of statistics

and things like that,

and I-I hit them
with a banana riff.

Yeah,
it was good.

By the way, Gable,

I'm bummed you, uh,
shaved the moustache.
I liked that thing.

Yeah. I know you do
because you used to call me

Fat Burt Reynolds.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

I was kind of
a jerk back then.

You know, we were both
trying to make sergeant.

I said some things
I'm not proud of.

Alright, cool.

Anyway, good luck
with your pitch.

May the best company win.
Thanks.

They're the best company,
right?

Yep.
Not even close.

Congratulations!
Whoo!

We didn't get it.

What happened?

It wasn't our day.

I'll cancel
the pizzas.

No. Keep 'em.
I'm a stress eater.

Look, we know
you guys need hours.

We'll -- We'll figure
something out.

I don't want
to quote you,

but you said if we
came to Monkey Fist,

we'd be
"stupid with jobs".

Relax.
You're halfway there.

Well, as long as
we're airing grievances,

my, uh,
last paycheck bounced.

Okay, that wasn't
our fault.

There was a technical glitch
with the, uh, payroll.

Yeah.

What glitch?

We didn't have any money
in the account.

Hello.

Munson?
Munson?

Hope this isn't
a bad time, guys.

Yeah, well, we heard
you got the account.

So, what, you come here
and want to give us a
little "victory dance"?

Look, when we first
started out, we got
our butts kicked, too.

Made us stronger.
And when the word
gets out on you guys,

you'll be
turning down accounts.

And when that happens,

I want you
to celebrate.

Tequila?
Little peace offering.

Let you know there's
room enough for all of us.

Is that a real scorpion
in there?

Yep.
Covered in gold.

When you guys start landing
the big gigs,

crack it open,
have a drink on me.

Hang tough, guys.

Thanks, man.

That was sweet!

He took an account
from us.

Ah, still,
that's a classy move.

He's right.

Thank you.
Not you, Hodor.

Munson.

I mean,
we got to up our game.

You know, maybe we should get
tactical gear

or something like that,
or learn MMA.

You know, does anybody know
about that stuff --

that mixed
martial arts?

Sounds dangerous.

Well, first thing
we got to do is get
our name out there

'cause no one knows
we exist.
He's right.

We -- We need some type
of advertising campaign.

Maybe we should rent
one of those skywriting planes.

Now, hear me out
on this.

We just buy one.

Wait a second.
We don't have any money!

Okay, look, there's got to be
a way we can do this

without spending
a lot of cash.

Yeah, that won't be hard to
find somebody really smart

who wants to work
for free.

Based on
what you told me,

this Nassau Security
sounds like a big player.

It's gonna be difficult
to compete with them.

Heyyy, information
we already have, guy!

Moving forward,
what you need to do

is carve out your own niche
in the marketplace.

So, if they keep getting
the big fish,

perhaps it's time you started
targeting the little fish.

Actually, yes,
th-- that's smart.

We get like
five little ones,

and that's like
landing one big fish.

Exactly.
Yep.

I-I-I know this is off-topic,
by the way, but, uh,

McDonald's has two-for-one
Filet-O-Fish every Friday.

Today is Friday.

Really?

I told you
it was off-topic.

Alright, whatever.
It doesn't matter.

Just -- Small accounts.
Go ahead.

Okay.

Your other issue
is branding.

Now, Mr. Gable,
can you tell me

what is it that
you and Vanessa
are selling?

Security.

Okay, yes,
very good.

Now, can you put security
in my hand?

No, but I can put
a fish sandwich in there,

and one of mine.

Again, two-for-one.
It's Friday.

It all comes down
to branding.

So, if you guys can come up
with a slogan to that effect --

uh, top of my head,

"Monkey Fist: There Are No
Small Fish in Our Pond."

Oh, I like that!

It tells people
who we are.

Yes, yes,
yes, yes.

And it's
positioning yourself --

Ehh, gonna stop you
right there.

Monkeys don't eat fish,
alright?

They live in a jungle.
Watch some TV, people.

That's because
it's not about monkeys.

It's about our company
landing smaller accounts.

Or about our company
not knowing basic monkey facts.

The point is, it's important
to brand yourself.

How do we do that?

I got it.
I got it.

"Monkey Fist:
No Banana's Too Small."

Write it down!

This is crazy.
That one just flew out.

Write it!
Fine, I'll write it.

If it'll end this,
that's the slogan.

Great, now, the other thing
we need to figure out --

How do we get
that message out there?

It's like the monkey punch
is coming right at me.

This is amazing!

Yes, we made it!

We're on a bus bench
in Massapequa.

You know what, that attitude
you got going on right there,

it's slowing down
everything.
Alright.

This is unbelievable!
You're right.
It is.

It's a good moment.
Let's take
a picture!

Alright, come on,
let's go.
Let's do this.
Come on. Get a shot.

Come on.
Here.

I can put it
on self-timer,

so, if you guys want me
to jump in the shot with you.

Um, you know what,
let-- let's just do it,

like, a few
just with us.
Yeah.

And then maybe a second,
you know what I mean?

That's a no.
Okay, I get it.

Uh, you know what,

I'm going to have to
use a flash.

It's, uh --
It's a little dark.

Wait a minute. How
are people gonna see
it at night, then?

It
Come on. Take it.

Uh, tell you the truth,
it's pretty dark.

Wow! That's it!

Perfect!

So, how did they know
to put the billboard
right on our spot?

I-I don't know.

They're just -- They're always
one step ahead of us.

Yeah, man.
It's weird.
It gets worse.

We got a call this morning
from Betty's Cake Supply.

They fired us.

They're going with
Nassau Security.

Whoa, I was supposed
to work there tomorrow.

Fellas.
Oh, here he is
right now.

All I got to say, what,
did you come here to
steal our food, too?

Look, I'm sorry about
the Betty's Cake thing.

They came to us.

Loved the billboard.
Whatever.

But, uh, can I talk
to you for a sec?

What's up?

Look, cop-to-cop,
I just wanted you to know,

Cellucci came by yesterday
sniffing around for a job.

If one of my guys came to you,
I know you'd tell me.

She'd never do that.

Plus, I was with her
all day yesterday.

I-I don't know.
She said she was
gonna tell you

she was getting
her hair cut or something.

She did say that.

Look, I'm not gonna
hire her.

I mean, if I was
poaching anybody,
it'd be you.

I mean, you're the
kind of guy that we look
for at Nassau, you know?

Alpha, urban warrior.

Yeah, you know, I do
get urban warrior --
I get that a lot.

'Course you do.

Yeah, but,
you know what, I'm, uh --

I'm committed
to Monkey Fist.

So even if Vanessa
wants to jump, I'm...

I'm not gonna do it.

Well, if you ever need
a soft place to land...

I don't even have
a card on me.

That's okay. I can get
all your information
off the billboard.

It's pretty bright.

That's exactly
what Betty said.

Hey!
Hey!

So, a little bit
of good news.

We are
one of two finalists

for the Powell Industries
account.

Oh!
Yes, I know!

This could be
big for us.

Yeah, this could be big
for... us.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Anyway, so, I'm gonna go
crunch some numbers

for the pitch.

Question.

Uh, the other day,
you said you went to
get your hair cut.

Yeah?
What about it?

Funny thing -- It kinda
looks the same length.

Because it is.

I just got highlights.
That's weird.

'Cause you didn't say
you went to get highlights.

You said you went
to get it cut.

Because I didn't want
to get into a conversation

similar to the one
that we are having now.

Guys, uh, appreciate
the banter about hair,

but they're shutting off
my water in three days

if I don't get a check.

Time and a place, guy.
Time and a place.

Alright, I'm just gonna
rip the tail off this donkey.

I know you met
with Frank.

What?
Yep, you're trying
to jump ship.

I know all about it.

What are you
talking about?

Look,
you want to go, go,

but I'll tell you right now,
you can't go to Munson

'cause he
already rejected you.

That's right. He's looking
for an urban warrior.

He's looking for me.

Wait, so you talked
to Munson about a job?

Yeah, after you did.
Okay.

For the last time,

I went to the hair salon
to get highlights!

Okay, I didn't want
to have to do this,

but I can see
your roots!

That's because
I didn't get color!

It's highlights, stupid!

And...bye-bye, cable.

Thanks for giving me
a ride home.

Soon as I get money,
I'll get the boot off
the wheel of my car.

Hey, I wish
things were better,

but they're not.

You really think
Vanessa's going to leave us?

I don't -- I don't know
what to think anymore.

I just know this -- I
know Nassau Security
just keeps crushing us.

By the way, this is
going to sound weird,

but any chance I can come
to your house tonight

while you're asleep
and watch Dutch TV?

I did tell you
it was going to be weird.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

What?

Kevin:
Unbelievable.

Animals.

Who would
do this?

It was Munson. Look,
he wrote "Fat Burt Reynolds."

He used to call me
that when we were
back on the force.

Not cool.

Who's
Burt Reynolds?

The actor!

From "The Longest Yard"
and "Smokey and the Bandit".

Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy.

I'm sorry.

I'm very visual.

We got to -- We got to
get back at them, man.

Well, good luck
with that, you know?

He knows what you're doing
before you do it.

I know.
I can't figure it out.

Yeah, it's like he
has a fly on the
wall or something.

Wait a second.
Say that again.

Oh, come on.
We talked about this.

When I say a phrase wrong,
just correct me.

Don't make me
repeat it for amusement.

"Fly on the wall."

That's it!

What are you doing?

Kevin, drinking
is not the answer.

Vanessa: Hey.

Kev, I'm sorry
about earlier today.

I don't want
to argue with you,

so just for--
Yeah, well,
too late, okay?

Monkey Fist is over.

Done datta.
What?

Literally...
didn't get any of that,

so I don't know
what you're...

Uh, hold.

So, what I'm saying is,
you and I are finished.

Good.

Couldn't happen
soon enough.

Can't stand
seeing you every day.

And I can't stand
the sound

of your annoying voice
every day.

"Rah, rah, rah!"

Yeah. Great.

And -- And --
And I can't stand watching you

stuff your big,
fat pumpkin head

with food every day,

with your dirty sweats,

looking like
a homeless gym teacher.

Well, we can
speak freely here.

There are absolutely
no hidden listening devices.

I just can't believe
that Munson planted a bug

in a tequila bottle.

I got to admit, though --
pretty great.

Not th great
'cause I figured it out.

Well, technically,
I figured it out

because I said
"fly on the wall."

So, that's how he knew
about the accounts,

the billboards,
my hair, everything.

Yeah, he was trying
to split us up,

but you know what?

We have faith
in one another.

What are you
talking about?

You threw me under the bus
the first chance you got.

Yeah, that was a test.

And...

you passed.
Congratulations.

So we're on
to Munson's game.

Now we know --
Hold the phone.

I got it.

Have you got a plan,
Mr. Gable?

I do.
I got an incredible one.

Mm!

Guys, this is where
you would, uh, follow me.

Oh!
Yeah.

Guys, here are
your scripts.

Just stick to
the words, okay?

Let's do this.

Okay.

The final meeting
of Monkey Fist Security

is now
in order.

It's a sad day.
So, so sad.

But we gave it
our best shot.

Yeah,
the Fist is dead.

Well said, Kevin,
as usual.

Well, I guess
we should call the guys

over at Powell Industries

and tell them
we're not gonna pitch.

Oh, I-I-I don't think
we should do that

'cause if Nassau Security
found out,

they'll just jack up
the prices.

I mean,
no competition...

Yeah, but that's
Powell Industry's problem,

not ours.

Rootger, good point.

You're Rootger.

You don't --
You don't say "Rootger".

So, why did you
write it?
Alright, just --

Okay.

Alright, everybody,
I guess have a good life.

Yep, at least we ended
as friends, sort of.

Rootger, keep in touch.
Rootger exits.

Get out! Get out!

We know we're not cheap,
but we're the best,

and you get
what you pay for.

Nice job, boys.

What the hell?

What are you
doing here?

I heard you guys
broke up.

Well, sometimes
tequila bottles lie.

You found it.

Yeah.
That's right.

Took you a while.
Mm, not really.

Couple days, though.
Kinda long.

Not that long. I'm telling you
it was not that long.
Okay, okay, stop it.
Just knock it off.

By the way, you still got to
go in there and pitch --

prove you're better
than us.

And we killed it.

No problem.

Hey, Goody,
set up the fog machine.

We don't have
a fog machine.

Okay.

Why don't you say it
a little louder?

You know what,
I'd say good luck,

but it doesn't really
even matter at this point.

Alright, you know what,
you guys?

Let's...
Let's get in there

and do the pitch
of our lives, okay?

They are not
the better company.

They are
just dressed nicer.

Alright.
She's right.

Alright,
let's do this!

Rootger:
Yeah! Whoo!

Mott: Guys, guys, I-I
just got to use the
bathroom, real quick.

I told him to go
before we left the house.

[ Simple Minds' "Don't You
" plays ]

* Hey, hey, hey, hey

* Ooooooh

Kevin:
We might not have big billboards
or fancy tactical uniforms,

but to be great, you don't need
any of that stuff.

All you need is a retired cop.

Vanessa:
Another retired cop.

Mott and Goddy:
Two more retired cops.

Chale:
A British tech whiz.

Rootger:
And a Dutch guy without cable.

Kevin:
Together, we make a monkey
with a very big fist.

* When you walk away...

Okay, I don't --
I don't like this.

I --
This is a bad idea.

We got the account.
That's good.

But you know what,
we never got these guys back.

It's about honor.
We're doing this.

Are you gonna give
Frank a moustache?
What

Nah,
I'm taking out the "N"

so it says
"Assau Security".

Okay, why don't you
just take out the "AU"

so it just says
"Ass Security"?

Ohh!
That is better!

You know, I know
I don't tell you enough,

but I love having you
as a partner.

God, that is the sweetest thing
you've ever said!

I think we make
a great team.

Alright, here we go.

Okay. Whoa!

Careful!

Oh
Is that what you're
supposed to do?

Be careful?!
Okay.

Okay, yeah, here we go,
here we go, here we go.

Oh!

Ohh!

You okay?

I can't feel my onions.

I got it. I got it.

Alright?
Here we are.

Okay, the -- the --
Oh.

You got to --
You got to get yourself ba--

You got to --
You got to --
I'm getting it.

Would you stop
talking to me for a second?!

Okay, stop panicking.
You're fine.

I'm right here.
I got you.

Ooh, cops!
Gotta go!

Where you going?!

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing,
go bust your move *

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Ohhhhhh, yeah

* Don't want
no high-heel shoes *

* I just don't want no...