Original subtitles

Hey. Eggnog's ready. Oh.

I put some brandy in,

not knowing Kendra had already added some rum.

Bottom line, it's gonna be a very merry Christmas.

I could go for a little nog after setting up those lights.

Jack, you're too young. It's only for us adults.

Ah! Nice try, Sara.

Come on, there's kid eggnog in the fridge.

Let me get this straight.

You really didn't get me a gift? You're kidding, right?

No. We said we weren't exchanging.

Yeah, but I thought we were doing the thing where we say

we're not getting gifts, but we do anyway.

Then you thought wrong.

Well, still, I got you one.

I don't want it.

It's a gift. You got to take it.

Says who? Says the rules.

Look, I, I got you one. Now I want mine.

Well, then take the one you were gonna give me

and give it to yourself.

No! I don't want golf balls!

By the way, I got you golf balls.

* I am not your ordinary guy *

Hey, how we lookin' on the lights, people?

We are good to go, Mr. Gable.

All right, Jackie boy, hit it.

Hey, hey! Yeah!

There you go.

So, can we open our presents now?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll, playa, all right?

You know the rule. Every Christmas Eve...

We get one gift from Santa.

That's right, and I hand them out. Let's do it.

So you're saying you're Santa?

No, I'm saying I'm the guy in charge of handing out...

Do you want to play this game?

I do not. Yeah.

Come in!

Hey. Hey.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I just wanted to drop a few gifts off for the kids.

All right, well, take a seat.

Come on. Yeah, what can we get you to drink?

You want an eggnog? A hot toddy?

What, do you have a hot toddy?

I don't. I-I just like saying it.

Hot toddy? Anybody for a hot toddy?

Anybody

I do it every year. Every year, I toddy it up.

That's cute. No, I... I'm good.

I just want to get home and get into my PJs.

Wait. What? But it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah. It's kind of my thing.

You know, I turn on my fake fireplace,

have some wine, karaoke Donna Summer until I pass out.

All right, look, it's not up for discussion. You're staying.

Chale, can you do me a favor? Can you get her a nog?

Come on. All right. Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Got you a little something.

Ah. What is this?

A box of doughnuts?

Yeah, from the night we met. I'm confused.

Christmas Eve. Thank you. 23 years ago.

Oh, that's why the doughnuts.

I still don't get it.

How do you not get it?

If I say I get it, can I just... Can I eat the doughnuts?

I am talking about the night we became partners.

I... I'm blanking.

Okay.

We were rookies. We got stuck working together.

I... Really?

Hey. How you doing? Vanessa Cellucci.

Kevin Gable. Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh. Happens to all of us.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Car 217. Uh, in service.

Sorry for the delay. Was awaiting partner.

We're moving now. 15 minutes late.

Due to Cellucci.

Ready to do this?

Wow.

One second.

(SIREN CHIRPING ERRATICALLY, BUTTONS CLICKING)

What...

What are you... What are you doing?

Just testing the equipment. I like to give it a roundabout.

I'm pretty... I'm pretty sure it works.

I'll decide if and when she works.

It works.

Thank you. I feel so much safer now.

Sandwich? No, thanks.

Training. For the NFL.

Oh, you're serious.

Deadly.

So, that's your plan? Professional football player?

That is the plan.

Epic 10-year career on the gridiron,

then circle it back to law enforcement.

FBI or this stays in the car...

CIA.

This doesn't stay in the car.

You're outta your mind.

You know what? This engine is fueled

by other people's put-downs, so just keep me gassed up.

It's fine. All right.

Come on.

Um, what are you... What are you doing?

Just these pagers.

Sometimes you got to move 'em around to get a signal.

Um, that's not how it works, but okay.

You know what? If you're gonna keep staring at that thing

while you're behind the wheel, you might as well let me drive.

Why would I do that?

Everybody already knows I'm the best wheelman at the precinct.

Well, that changes now.

'Cause I'm here.

Oh, right. Forgot, 1994.

Women's lib.

Whatever you want to call it,

I'm just... I'm a better driver.

You're... You're a better driver?

I'm a better driver. Okay. Okay.

O-Okay.

All right, you know what?

We could just settle this right now.

You want to do it now?

Yeah, before the Jets call

and your big football career takes off, of course.

I mean...

Let's do this.

Wait, was he really that annoying?

I haven't even gotten to the annoying part yet.

Please, it's called being a good cop.

Yeah, great story. Can I have my present now?

Jack take it easy.

It's Christmas, I'm 12.

I wanna open something.

All right, here you guys go. Okay?

Now, please tell me you're not doing that thing

where you give us a bad gift and then the good gifts.

No, I'm not doing anything.

I'm just following Santa's instructions.

Batteries? I got the same thing.

Oh. I guess that's what you guys got this year.

Enjoy it!

Dad, I hate this game.

Can we just go ahead and get the good gift?

Okay, right there, see, that is the poor attitude, because you know what?

You never know what those batteries might be for!

Huh?

A drone! What?

Headphones! Thank you.

But these don't need batteries.

Classic fake-out.

Okay, back to the story.

I'm still confused. Where do the doughnuts come in?

I am getting to that.

You ready?

Pfft. Born.

All right, before we do this, what...

What is the deal with the pager?

It's a private matter, all right?

It doesn't pertain to you.

It's a girl. I didn't say that.

You didn't have to. What's her name?

If you must know, her name's Nunya.

Nunya? Nunya business.

Now get to driving.

All right, buckle up.

Slow down a little bit. Getting a little... getting a little unsafe.

Pull up your skirt, Mary.

Okay. All right.

Okay, wait!

Slow down!

Okay!

Big finish!

No, no, no!

And...there.

You said something about my driving?

Oh, sounds like Ms. Vanessa

has some mad skills behind the wheel, yo.

Sorry, I was trying out a new thing.

Wow, Dad. So she beat you?

Look at me. You think she's gonna beat me?

Can you just drive already?

Gonna give you a little Knight Rider

with a splash of Beverly Hills Cop II.

Okay. By the way, how's it taste?

How does what taste?

Muh dust!

And that's how it's done, son.

Car's rolling. What's that?

Car...is...rolling.

You drove a cop car into a ditch?

No, what happened was my driving was sick.

And then I got out of the car and, yeah,

i-it rolled into a ditch. So that did... It happened.

All right, you know what? Let's just, uh, keep in moving.

What do you say

Uh, Kendra and Chale, here you go.

Oh! Thank you. Huh?

Oh, batteries. I love it.

I wonder what these could go with.

Oh, no. You're doing it wrong.

It's supposed to be, "Ooh, batteries! I love it.

"I wonder what these could go with."

Oh, what

This is actually awesome. Thank you, Dad.

Yeah.

Oh, a power strip!

I wonder what I could plug into this.

Whatever you want, guy.

So, excuse me. Will there... There will be a companion gift?

No. That's all Santa wanted you to have.

He knows you're into electronics and pluggy things, so go crazy.

Oh.

Oh, uh, there is a surge protector,

so that's very thoughtful.

Thank you. KEVIN: You're very welcome.

All right. Come on. Dad.

What? He's happy. KYLE: Hold up.

So, Chale gets an awesome power strip, and I get nothin'?

This is a joke.

Uh, okay, so what happened with the car in the ditch? Did Dad get in trouble?

Uh, well, you could say that.

Well, sir, currently the car is un-driveable.

I don't know. You might have to talk to Officer Gable about that.

Yes, he is. He is so that.

He is so that.

Okay, thank you so much, sir.

They can't get to us for another couple of hours.

Okay, what was all that about? You sold me out?

Oh, yeah. You see how it feels?

"Uh, we're a minute late because of Cellucci. Uh, 215..."

All right. Fine.

We're even, okay? All right.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I called my brother. He's got a truck with a winch on it.

He can pull us out of the ditch. How long?

I don't know, about an hour.

Ugh. So, we're stuck here.

Let's see, I might do a little moo shu pork.

That sounds good. Or a little beef lo mein.

You know, maybe I'll get insane in the lo mein.

Ooh.

Ooh, I didn't see you, number 13

with your spicy noodles coming 'round the outside,

'round the outside.

What are you gonna get? Soup.

Soup.

Oh, boy.

Okay, you know what? I have spent about an hour with you,

and I-I pretty much understand why she is not paging you.

I don't even know if they know we're here. I'll be right back.

This guy is killing me.

Hey, sir, can we, uh, get a waiter...

I'm sorry, sir, it's $8.50.

If you don't have it, you gotta go.

Well, you can take the won tons out.

How much then? How much then?

You know what? Do me a favor.

Um, you can just put that on our tab.

Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, no problem. And, hey, here.

Have a merry Christmas, okay?

Can you get us a waitress over there? Thanks.

Dad, that's so sweet you helped that guy out.

Yeah, he gave him $18.

$18? That's a weird amount.

Well, that's all he had on him. He gave him every penny.

And that's when I realized that your dad was a decent guy.

I mean, he's done a lot of other stuff since then

to reverse that, but...

Yeah, kinda like now.

Why would you do that to Chale?

Oh, no, darling. I love this.

It... It has seven plugs.

That's like seven different gifts. Mm-hmm.

Well, if you don't say something, I will.

I don't want to ruin Christmas.

Okay, uh, Vanessa, we have a homeless man,

$18, and a car in a ditch.

I'm all in. Let's go.

Where is this brother of yours?

Well, he's getting off of work. He'll be here soon.

Oh, yeah. Fortune cookies.

I wonder what my future holds.

Yeah. What does yours say?

"Always make sure your car is in park"?

Ha!

Come on, man. That's funny.

"All your fingers can't be the same length."

What? I don't even know what that means.

All right, you know, this one, this one is yours. Okay.

Oh, my God, again with the pager?

What is it with this girl? All right, look.

I met her last week at Mulcahy's, all right?

We connected. I'm... I'm waiting for her to call.

So call her.

I don't have her number. She asked for mine.

Oh, boy.

But it's a good thing.

Yeah, no. No, it's not a good thing.

Okay, walk me through the night that you met her.

All right, well, first off, I walked up to the bar,

saw my buddy Scotty and was like, "Wazaaaaaa."

And he was like, "Wazaaaaa."

I saw my buddy Gerard, he was like, "Wazaaa..."

Okay. Okay, all right.

Not the... I don't need the whole... the whole night.

Just get to the part where you talked to her, please.

Okay, so I, I walk up to her... Yeah.

And I thought about saying, "Wazaaaa," but I didn't.

Good. Good call.

I decided right then I was gonna just say,

"You look nice."

And, uh, I, I bought her a drink.

Okay. And then, uh, you know,

she asked me if I was seeing anybody.

And I said, "Uh, nobody serious."

Oh, boy. What?

I wanted to let her know I had other fish on the line.

Do you have other fish on the line?

I might. You never know.

Do you have other fish on the line?

It depends on how you categorize... Okay.

Do you have other fish on the line?

Just answer the question! No! I don't.

I don't know why guys do this. This never works.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but this girl is never going to call you.

Like, ever.

This is the saddest Christmas story ever.

No, you sitting there with a power strip,

not speaking your mind

is the saddest Christmas story ever.

You know what? I can't take it. No, no. Darling. Darling...

Dad, you need to understand something.

Darling, darling. Don't. She's three eggnogs in. No.

Everybody in the family

gets a bad gift and then a good gift.

Chale's in the family, and all he got was a bad one.

Really? Well, maybe you wanna look again.

Oh, he's right.

We may need to return this.

It's only for use in Europe.

Why would Santa give you something

you can only use in Europe? Weird.

I don't know. I, I just wish none of this was happening.

Maybe because he's giving you a trip...to Italy!

What? Uh!

You're both going to the honeymoon

you never had in Rome, okay?

Oh! Thank you, Dad! All right? Okay.

Ahh!

It's Christmas. Just make it fast.

All right, there you go. There you go.

Rome, huh? Fancy.

Hold on. Wait a second. I just thought of something.

Mulcahy's? Didn't you meet Mom at Mulcahy's?

I did.

So, she's the girl in the story?

Yep.

Oh, this story just got mad interesting, yo.

I tried it again. I thought the second time would save it.

It didn't. It doesn't work. It doesn't.

All right, you're good to go.

Hey, never doubt the power of the Suzuki Samurai.

More than just a chick magnet.

Thanks. Now I'm gonna do you a favor.

Hey, dude, what are you...

How'd you know that was a clip

I didn't.

Wow. What's the deal with this little filly?

Eh, a little thick on the bottom. I'm diggin' it.

Kyle Gable. FDNY.

Vanessa Cellucci. NGH.

NGH? Never gonna happen.

Wazaaa!

You know what? Car's been in a ditch for a couple hours.

Probably should test the equipment,

make sure it's operational.

Touch the sirens and I cut your hand off.

I'm sure it's fine.

So this girl, you really like her, huh?

I don't know, just, uh,

something different about her.

I know it's gonna sound crazy,

but I just think she might...

She might be the one. I don't know.

Okay. And your plan to get her is what?

Sit back and wait for her to call you?

You know, when you say it like that, it sounds kinda lame.

Yeah, okay.

What're you doing? Okay, we're here. Get out.

We're where? Your girl's house.

You told me her name, so I ran it through dispatch.

There were two. One was 96.

Now, I don't know your type, but I...

I took a guess and went with the younger one.

Okay. So, this is the part where you get out

and you go up there.

Yeah, I am. Okay? I am. I...

I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna...

Just gonna...

Hiyah. La la la la. Laaa.

Buy me a red leather yellow...

Okay. Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna go, okay?

I'm just... You just got to give me a second.

Yaaaa. Yaaaa.

You're not singing the National Anthem,

you're just going to talk to a girl.

Now let's go. I'm going, okay?

Just, would you gimme a second, please?

Wow. You are scared.

I'm not... I'm not scared, okay?

There's a lot of pressure, and I don't want to look bad.

Yeah, that's scared.

Now, come on. We drove all the way here.

One of us is leaving with this girl's phone number.

And I guess it's gonna be me.

Where you go... Where you going?

Hey! Hey!

Put in a good word for me!

Okay, wait. So, if Vanessa hadn't dragged you over there,

you and Mom would've never gotten together?

Yes. Yes! Oh, my God.

So, all of this? You are welcome.

Oh, are you... Are you out of your mind

No, I'm the one who got us together.

She just... She set the table.

So what happened? All right, you're fine.

All you gotta do is go up there.

What... What'd you say?

Well, I told her you were an idiot.

What?

Uh, trust me, that was not breaking news.

Why would you say that?

Okay, but then I told her

that underneath all that stupidity,

there's like... three more layers of bad stuff,

but underneath all that,

there's actually a decent guy under there,

and she should give you a shot.

You really said that about me? Yeah.

And then we talked about the night you guys met

and how you did this weird, crinkled eyebrow thing

with the muddle mouth.

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even do that.

She...kind of like it.

Really? Yeah.

That's the one. That is.

There it is. I can see it.

All right, well then I... Yeah. I knew it worked.

Get up there. Get up there. All right, I'm going.

Hey. Cellucci, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, and that muddle

Yeah. Like, small doses maybe.

I disagree.

I can't believe you forgot everything Vanessa did for you.

You're right. I totally forgot.

Or...did I?

Stop. Come on.

"Vanessa, thanks for being a great partner.

"And remember, all of your fingers can't be the same length. Kevin."

I also got you a gift card for a mud-mask for your face.

Aww, guys, this is actually really sweet.

All right, hold the phone.

Lest we forget, without my Suzuki Samurai,

none of us would be here right now.

And once again, I've been overlooked.

Kyle, we made an agreement. We're not exchanging gifts.

It was your idea!

All right, well, I'm leaving with something, okay?

Uh, these doughnuts right here? Yeah, these are mine now.

Merry Christmas, and to all a good night.

Peace out!

Vanessa, you're blocking me in.

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing, go bust your move

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Oh, yeah

* Don't want no high-heel shoes

* I just don't want no...