Original subtitles

(PRINTER BEEPS) (GRUNTS)

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Oh...

"Ink cartridge inserted incorrectly."

(STUTTERS) Okay, what does that even mean?

Do we need to sound it out together?

Okay, I got it. All right, here it is.

Uh... Oh, "re-insert cartridge"

okay, "with nozzle facing you."

That makes sense. There.

(GRUNTING) There we go.

(PRINTER BEEPS) (FRUSTRATED GRUNTS)

You've got to be kidding me. This is unbelievable.

(SIGHS)

Let's see here.

Cartridge...

The nozzles are done, I did the nozzles.

That's done. Okay.

Pack the thing... I did that.

I did... I did that.

Okay? (CLATTERING)

(PRINTER BEEPS) (GRUNTS)

You know what? I don't care anymore.

(CHUCKLES) Okay. Okay

(PRINTER WHIRRS) Oh.

Oh!

There you go, printer's fixed. Mmm.

Great job, Braveheart .

* I am not your ordinary guy *

Excuse me.

Um, I own the business upstairs,

and I... I would just really appreciate it

if you would stop leaving these stupid flyers all over the place.

If I get one more on my windshield,

we're gonna have a problem, sweety. ALEJANDRO: I'm sorry.

We're new to the neighborhood.

We want people to know we're here.

Yes, of course you do. Hi.

And yes, you are here.

Hi, uh, my name is Alejandro. Hello. (CHUCKLES)

And this is my gym. Uh-uh.

Core-A-Zone.

Corazon means heart in Spanish.

Love...that.

Love that. Mm.

Um, I'm from Monkey Fist.

(STUTTERS) Which means... Um, Monkey Fist.

Yeah. And, and, you know what?

Don't worry about the flyers. I just had a cousin got...

She got hit by one, and lost the tip of her ear.

It was the bottom part.

Um, so it's okay. You know, her hair covers it,

but she can't wear earrings, 'cause you know,

there's no meat there, right? So... Oh,

um, thank you for stopping by. Yes.

I should get back to my client now. Totally. Yes. Of course.

And I'm so sorry about the...

Ear... Mea...meat story? It's just...

Yeah. It's okay.

Okay. (AWKWARD CHUCKLES)

What?

Nothing, I just

had a beautiful image in my mind,

and...now it is gone.

All right, well, we're out of mayo,

and I bought last time.

So, I know it's your turn.

You are a saint.

(DEEP BREATH) Hey...

(STUTTERS) You know that, uh,

new gym downstairs, right? One with the flyers?

I hate that gym.

It used to be that awesome place

that made those spicy beef patties?

"Jamaican Me Happy."

Ah! I miss those guys.

It's "Jamaican Me Sad."

You do know

that you have a sandwich in your hand, right? Yeah.

A very dry sandwich. I got no mayo on here. Okay.

All right. I am muscling through.

Okay!

Anyway, the gym owner is gorgeous.

And I went in there, and I kind of screwed it up.

So I was hoping you would go down there, and, and, and talk to him for me.

Just get some, like, details. (SIGHS)

Is he single? What's he into?

And while you're there, talk me up a little bit.

I don't wanna get in the middle of this, all right?

Let's just cut the dance.

You go back down there, ruin it,

come back up here, start crying,

I hand you a Kleenex, we move on to the next guy.

Please?

No, I ca... Oh, okay, all right! How about this?

You know that giant monkey you've been bugging me about?

You mean the inflatable one that goes on top of the building to promote business?

Stands there all badass... (GRUNTING)

If you do this for me, I will let you buy it and put it on the roof.

Okay.

Now, where do we stand with the whole mayo situation?

Because I still have half a sandwich.

I will get to it, eventually.

Oh. Okay, you know what?

And I will talk to the guy...eventually.

Fine!

Squeeze bottle, too, because I don't wanna use a knife! Oh, my God!

I don't like using knives!

Oh, Chale, just, uh, put this on my tab? Thanks, buddy.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Enzo is no longer letting people run up tabs.

Oh. He means, uh, regular people, not heroes.

No, he mentioned you by name.

(STUTTERS) This is your check, and you have to pay it!

All right, guy. Easy.

I'm sorry, Uncle Kyle.

Chale's just stressed because Enzo's on vacation,

and this is his first week running the place by himself. (SIGHS)

Wow. Didn't take him long to go crazy with power, did it?

(SIGHS AND STUTTERS)

(SCOFFS) You guys have no idea the pressure I'm under,

running a mid-level pizza place on Long Island.

Yeah, I know.

When I'm in a burning building, I'm thinking to myself,

"At least I don't have to make mozzarella sticks for a living."

Chale's just stressed out,

because we found out that the health inspector's gonna come by.

CHALE: (SIGHS) Yes. And if we get a bad report,

I'm gonna have to answer to Enzo, and... (GRUNTS)

And that man has a dark side the likes of which you've never seen.

Not really.

Look, nothing to worry about, all right?

As a fireman, we learn how the inspection game is played. I'll get you through this.

Really? Tha...

Oh, no. That would be fantastic. Yeah.

You know what else would be fantastic?

(IMITATES SHOOTING SOUND)

Welcome to Core-A-Zone. Can I help you?

Not unless you can make a Jamaican beef patty.

I don't understand. Never mind.

Gable, CEO Monkey Fist Security.

So what's the, uh, the deal-io down here?

You got a wife and kids? What's up?

Uh, sadly, no. Uh, I hope one day to be blessed with one.

Ah. Girlfriend? No.

All right, my work is done here.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh, thank you. All right.

Uh, you know that you are a mesomorph, right?

Okay, bud. Listen, you know what,

I came down here nice to talk to you.

You wanna start going off with that stuff?

No, no. Whoa, whoa.

(STUTTERS) Your physique is beautiful.

I mean, you have the perfect athletic bone structure.

A mesomorph is good? The best.

But why do you carry around all that extra baggage?

Were you hurt in training?

No, I mean, I train in cycles is what I do,

and right now, I'm in a hibernation phase.

You like Doritos?

I do. I do very much.

Um, it's a big part of the hibernation phase, these Doritos.

See, your body right now is shaped like a Dorito,

but it points the wrong way.

If you give me six weeks, I can turn you from this

to this, my friend.

I get it.

(STUTTERS) With the wide shoulders and the skinny waist.

(IN SPANISH) Exactamente .

(IN ENGLISH) Stand here.

What?

All right? Don't move. Okay.

Watch this.

This is you, brother, in six weeks. Whoa!

All right, let me see eight weeks.

(CLICKS) Ha-ka-chow!

(LAUGHS)

See, you look like the Batman.

I do look like the Batman.

If you do nothing...

(CLICKS) This is you in two years.

Oh. Wow. Huh?

Oh, no, no. No, no, that's enough.

Enough. Turn it off! Turn it off!

You know what? I've...

I've done the gym thing before and I, I gotta be honest,

it's just...never worked out for me, so...

It will this time. We do it together.

I promise you. Iron sharpens iron.

"Iron sharpens iron." Yes.

I like that. You should put that on a t-shirt. Already did.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, put me down for an extra-large then.

No. I'll put you down for a medium.

Ah!

Let's make it large, though, 'cause six weeks, it's kind of a short time.

Hey. Hey.

So, what's the scoop? Did you talk to Alejandro?

I did. Yeah.

And? What's the deal? Is he single?

No. He's married...

to his work.

Oh. All right. So, what happened? Did you talk me up?

Uh, it never really came up, so I didn't get a chance.

All right. You know what?

I'm just gonna go down there and do it myself. No. No, no.

You can't do that.

See, listen. This is why your relationships don't work out,

'cause you force things.

You come in like a freight train.

You're all hair, and nails, and questions.

You freak guys out.

Breath.

All right. I'll back off. Yeah. There you go.

So how long you think it's gonna take?

Top of my head? I don't know. What, six weeks?

Yo, it's me. KEVIN: All right. Come on in.

Hey, man, I appreciate you giving me a lift to work. Yeah.

Oh, I'm starvin' man. Whatever you makin', I'll take some.

Okay. It's, uh, cauliflower pancakes.

Actually, I just ate. I'm good.

No. I'm telling you. They're awesome.

My trainer gave me the recipe.

Oh, you taking this "working out" thing seriously? Oh, yeah.

You know, I... I need a trainer.

Didi told me, I don't lose weight, she ain't losing weight.

Man, I need to lose weight.

All right. Well, after six weeks,

I'll give you the number, okay?

Wait. Six weeks? He doesn't have room for one more client?

No, look. I can't...

He's gotta be focused on me right now. Believe me.

Vanessa tried dating him. I shut that noise down.

Yeah, good man. 'Cause she's a snow wrecker.

Snow wrecker? GOODY: Yeah.

You know, when the snow's all fresh

and someone comes, runs through, tramples all over it, ruins it.

She is a snow wrecker. Yeah!

Remember what she did with the guy at the bagel shop when she dated him?

Yeah, she dumped him.

Now we can't go there anymore 'cause he started spitting in our food.

He's gonna spit in our food? You never told me that. I still go there.

I'm sure you're good.

(SIGHS)

Yo, buddy, what's going on here? What is this?

I'm eating cereal. I'm hungry.

No, you're having poison.

You bought this for me.

Yeah, well, I'm taking it back now.

Today, we're having some auliflower pancakes.

Man, you're a snow wrecker!

Why is he taking so long?

And writing so much?

Maybe he's appreciating how clean this place looks.

Oh, boy. He just kicked the can of tuna that's keeping the fridge level.

He's gonna shut us down.

Enzo's gonna freak. I can't breathe.

Relax. All part of the game. You're fine.

Now. wipe the sweat off your lip.

Your little mustache is getting all drippy.

Here he comes.

I hope everything was satisfactory.

Generally, things look okay, but I do have a list of violations.

This seems lengthy.

I'm gonna give you a couple days to get them corrected and I'll be back.

And you should wipe the sweat off your lip.

You're working with food.

Look at all these violations.

I can't get these done in a couple days.

Here, let me help you.

(EXCLAIMS) What are you doing?

It's not about the list.

He doesn't want the "violations corrected."

He wants a little... (KISSING)

What? A kiss.

A little taste of honey. A little guap.

What is he saying?

I think he's saying, the inspector wants a bribe.

Bingo.

But I'm trying to get people to start saying guap.

Slowly. Slowly.

Breathe. (INHALES)

Enjoy. I'm enjoying.

Yes. Now, go down. Oh, down.

(BOTH INHALE)

(BOTH EXHALE)

ALEJANDRO: Breathe. Very good.

(ALEJANDRO AND VANESSA CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

ALEJANDRO: Can you feel your core starting to engage?

Hells yeah, I feel it.

What's going on here?

I was just giving Vanessa a consultation.

Oh, you two know each other?

Well, I was upstairs and thought,

"Never the wrong time for fitness,"

so I took the initiative and came down.

I thought we talked about you waiting.

You two know each other? I didn't know that.

Interesting. He didn't know that.

She's so funny, this one.

Yeah, she's a rip.

You're funnny!

Kevin, if you don't mind, I don't want her heart rate to get too low.

Sweetie, I don't think we're in any danger of that happening.

Anyway, I was hoping to sneak in another workout tonight.

Sorry, my friend. We made plans for dinner.

Isn't that great?

I'll e-mail you instructions.

What about "iron sharpens iron"?

Maybe tonight, you sharpen your own iron.

You made a promise to me about total focus?

Work with me, brother.

Yeah, work with him, brother.

All right.

(GRUNTING)

What's next?

A burpee?

What is a... What's a burpee?

What is a burpee?

SIRI: I found this.

Yeah, that's not happening.

Hey, Dad.

I went out with some friends for Chinese and we ordered way too much, have at it.

(GRUNTS) Can't. I'm training.

Well, it's on the counter if you change your mind.

(GRUNTING)

(MUMBLING)

Alejandro, kinda bummed out I got your voice mail.

It's Kevin Gable.

I'm staring at some Chinese food, don't know what to do.

I mean, I know what I wanna do

but I don't know what to do.

Hit me back.

(PHONE BEEPS) Okay, it's me again.

I ate a spare rib.

Really need you, man.

All right.

Dumplings are gone.

That's on you.

Call me back.

Hey man, I gotta own the dumplings.

That's on me.

Just delete the last message and call me.

We're still good. I'm not mad at you.

I just ate a carton of lo mein.

Small carton

'cause I remember what you said about portion control.

So, I'm doing good, right? I mean, it's kinds good.

(SIGHS) I'm not doing good. Call me!

You know what it is? Here's what it is.

I'm gonna tell you what it is.

(STUTTERS) I wanna have power over the food.

And I show that

by eating it.

No, I'm not saying that.

But I'm telling you right now, people were looking at me.

They were looking at me like I was the next thing.

I was the next thing.

My emotions, they just kind of take over

and then I gotta eat savory, and then sweet. It just goes back and...

It's happening right now. I gotta go!

Guess you're not back from your dinner yet.

That's a late supper.

That is not healthy.

Here's an idea, Practice what you preach!

(GROANS)

Lemme tell you something, Jack-o.

The world's a dark, dark place.

You put your trust in someone, and they letcha down.

Know what didn't let us down?

That pork fried rice. Mm.

That is true.

Teachable moment, Jack,

pork anything never lets you down.

I hear ya.

It's from Alejandro.

"Stay strong, bro. You're doing great."

(SIGHS)

Aw, man, I really messed up.

It's one slip up.

Eh.

Not gonna let this define me.

Wow.

That was a hard turn.

Yeah, it was.

I'm back on the healthy train, and so are you.

I can't keep doing this.

He doesn't look happy.

Of course he's not happy.

We didn't do one thing on the list

because your crazy uncle ripped it to shreds.

Guys, forget the list. It's not about the list.

Do you have the envelope with the $200 in it?

No, I don't.

We talked about it. We both think it's a bad idea.

It's better to get a citation than to do something illegal.

Exactly.

All right, now, I gotta go to class at law school.

So, what do I do? Just hand it to him?

No. You put it on the counter, slide it over to him,

and give him the little kiss he came for.

Okay. Here we go.

Mr. Witt. Most of the violations weren't addressed,

and I see you put the tuna can back.

Ah, put your pen down, Dwight.

I think we both know what you're really here for. Excuse me?

A little guap.

(WHISTLES)

Did you just blow me a kiss?

Yes, but it was just to draw your attention to the envelope.

(KISSING) It has money in it.

You do know it's illegal to bribe a county official?

Whoa! I think we have a misunderstanding here.

What the boy's trying to say is,

some money fell on the bar, and we thought, it might belong to you.

Know'm sayin'?

I don't.

I am simply here to make sure this establishment's up to Nassau County code.

Wow. Totally misread that one.

My bad.

Just put my beers on my tab.

There is no tab! You have to pay.

Take it out of this. That's my money!

You might wanna be nicer to the guy that might bail you out of jail.

Hey. Listen, I'm sorry.

You have the right to date anyone you want.

And there's no reason why the two of us can't... You can have him.

What?

Alejandro.

We went on our date last night. He's a bore.

You shut your mouth.

All he talks about is fitness.

You know he actually weighs out his food?

That's so Alejandro.

Well, he's all yours.

Really?

I'm gonna go surprise him. He loves surprises.

Yeah, that doesn't sound weird at all.

KEVIN: Don't care!

Alejandro, good news... Your physique.

You have the perfect athletic bone structure.

You're what we call a mesomorph.

Wait. Hey...

Alejandro, what's going on?

We're supposed to meet at 4:00.

Well, surprise, surprise.

Who's this?

Just a client.

Just a client? Mm.

'Cause that speech sounded awfully familiar.

Did he tell you, you're a Dorito?

Yes, he did.

Well, I hope you two are very happy together.

Kevin, I'm a trainer. I have other clients.

I don't think so.

Kevin, I'm a trainer. Don't.

I liked this so much better when this was a Jamaican beef patty place!

Kevin. Kevin...

Are you happy now?

Gotta be honest, I really am.

Sorry it didn't work out for you. It's fine.

Let's agree to never let a man come between us again.

Let's also agree never to phrase it like that again.

Let's get inside. It's cold.

Wait, I want you to admit, this whole monkey thing was a good idea.

People can see it from all around the city.

This is advertising. It's gonna be so helpful.

And everything we do...

Monkey! Monkey!

Oh, we're in trouble.

No, no, we're fine. Now, we're drifting...

It'll make it past the trees.

It's heading towards the power lines. We're in trouble.

Well, they won't know it's us.

I wrote my name on the foot. (EXCLAIMS)