Original subtitles

Okay, guys, glasses up.

To the whole Monkey Fist team.

Goody, Mott, welcome aboard. Yeah.

We had a great month, we got new accounts,

and Kevin and I just wanted to thank you.

Hear, hear. Monkey Fist.

Hold up, hold up.

You know, three months ago,

when I got the original vision for the com...

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Yeah, it's, it's called a toast, okay? Okay.

You know, when I came up with the idea

for the name Monkey Fist,

I had no idea the meaning it would have today.

Much like a fist,

which is comprised of five fingers, all right,

I want you to look around this table

and see how many people we have here.

Whoa! Right? That's right.

Five of us, five fingers in a fist.

That's because we're a team, okay?

I mean, obviously, I would be the thumb

'cause I kind of hold us together, right?

Yes, and also 'cause you're the shortest and the fattest.

(LAUGHS)

Come on.

All right.

Continuing, okay? All righty.

Now, look, we have one goal together, and that is to be

the best security company in the Greater Massapequa area.

Much like the fist of a chimp,

we are small, but we are mighty.

And what we... Food's here.

Okay, uh...we're small.

Go, Monkeys. You guys are great. Let's eat.

Actually, if you guys want to help,

there's a 4-foot hero and a sheet cake in the car.

Gotcha. On it.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Oh. I'm gonna grab my camera for social media.

But we're not on social media.

Yet. Oh! Oh!

Oh! I almost forgot,

my world-famous three-cheese fondue.

It's so "Gouda," you "ricotta" try it.

Painful.

It's not painful. Yeah, it is.

All right, here we go.

Whew! That thing is hot!

Mr. Gable, potholders if it's hot.

No, no, no. I don't need potholders.

Get away from me, buddy. Okay.

All right.

Oh! I should have taken the potholders! I don't have it!

Ugh!

I'll go and get some rags. Yeah.

Oh, careful, Rootger.

Oh, yeah. Say "Cheese."

(GROANS)

Rootger! You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Here, come on, buddy.

Hey, what happened? Are you all right?

It's nothing. No, it's totally my fault.

Oh, it's okay. Are you all right?

You know what, Chale, do me a favor.

Let's get him to the doctor and get him checked out.

Oh, that's not necessary. I just dented my melon.

Even still, let's just get him there.

I want to get him checked out.

Okay. You're a good friend, Gable.

Yeah. All right, buddy. (GROANS)

That is totally my fault.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Man.

You're thinking about dipping the bread in that, aren't ya?

No, I'm not. I'm just...

Just do it already!

* I am not your ordinary guy *

Hey. How's he doing?

No broken bones.

Knew it. The guy's made of brick.

The doctor said he might want to get an MRI tomorrow,

but otherwise, he is fine.

Well, I'm glad he's okay,

'cause that could have been a nasty lawsuit.

No, Rootger's part of the Monkey Fist family.

Well, legally speaking, he's an employee who got hurt at work,

and you're totally liable.

He would never sue us.

Plus, we have insurance.

Um...

No, no. We have insurance?

Um, okay, in the chaos of moving in

and starting up the business...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

In the chaos,

I may have forgotten to purchase liability insurance.

I started the paperwork,

and then I started dating Carlos from State Farm,

and we broke up, and then it got awkward,

and we were thinking about getting back together...

Anyway, we do not have insurance, so sue me!

Okay, I'm only a second-year law student.

I'm not a lawyer yet.

Yeah, but you know your stuff.

Okay, well, the previous owner had 10 years

to ask you to move the fence,

so, technically, under the laws of adverse possession,

the property is yours.

What? Ohh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Okay, I'm still not a lawyer yet,

but, according to the State of New York,

that 6-inch strip of land now belongs to you.

(LAUGHS)

Kendra, I love you. You totally made my day.

Thanks for the advice.

Ooh! Did you see that?

He just left you $20.

I know. He didn't have to do that.

Well, you did just save him an expensive trip

to a real lawyer.

Sorry.

You know, it's like you woke up under a money tree

and someone's putting $20 leaves in your lap.

What are you talking about?

Do you know how many people want cheap legal advice? Tons.

(CHUCKLES) Well, this is a restaurant. It's not a law firm.

I read an article once about this guy

who was giving cheap legal advice

at a hot dog stand in California.

Lines around the block.

Around the block!

Hey.

Hey, so, I called the insurance company.

We are covered.

Great. Starting now.

Okay, so if somebody slips in hot cheese today, we're good.

Okay, I will give you that. I deserve it.

I am just worried about his whole suing us.

He's not gonna sue us. Believe me.

I know him, all right?

Really? Okay. How well?

Very well. I know him very well.

He's my neighbor, all right?

He's...Dutch.

Lot of stuff, lot of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah?

What's his last name?

You know, I don't like to pry into his personal affairs, okay?

Believe me, he's gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine.

He's gonna come through that door any minute

with a box of doughnuts, healthy as a horse, okay?

ROOTGER: Hello, hello. There he is, all right?

What'd I say, huh?

Hey...

Sorry I'm late. I had an MRI this morning.

Not good.

I brought doughnuts.

I was half right.

What is, what is he doing? (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, he's taking pictures for Facebook.

Facebook? Pfft.

That's exactly where he fell.

He is documenting the scene.

No, he's not. Wait a second.

He's taking pictures of the Crock-Pot.

You think that's for, like, a lawsuit or something?

No, no, he's just taking a picture of the Crock-Pot

'cause he wants one just like it.

Yes, it's for the lawsuit.

Rootger? Honey?

Why are you taking a picture of the Crock-Pot?

Is it a suspect?

(LAUGHS)

I told you, it's for Facebook, social media.

Who puts pictures of a Crock-Pot on Facebook?

Actually, I did once. I made chili.

Got over 100 likes. I mean...

One guy said he hated it, but he was a jealous idiot.

Blocked his ass.

Okay, enough about the...

Hey, if he did come after us,

would it just be, like, a business thing

or could it affect my personal wealth?

He could go after your stock options and assets.

If I were you, I would move your yacht

into international waters immediately.

Okay, fine.

How about this?

We just, we tell him

we're gonna do, like, an employee review

and we call him in here and get him to talk.

Yes. Good idea. All right?

Yes. Good, okay.

Uh, Rootger? Rootger.

Rootger, uh, could we just see you one second, please?

It's very difficult. Yeah.

(GROANS) Yeah...okay.

First off, we want to just thank you for your service here.

Yes, thank you very much.

And what we're doing now

is we're basically just gonna do, like...

what we do, it's our six-week employee review, you know?

Oh. In Holland, it's usually six months.

Oh! Well, welcome to America, buddy.

(CHUCKLES)

Lot of red tape. KEVIN: Yeah.

So, um, how would you describe

your experience here at Monkey Fist?

Excellent. I like working here very much.

Mm-hmm. But is there anything that, uh, bothers you?

Oh, there's this one thing,

but, you know, I don't want to upset anyone.

No, Rootger, look, this is a safe place.

You can say whatever you want, okay?

Okay, I wish when we order lunch,

you would consider vegetarian options.

No! No way! No! No!

Then I'm hungry again by 3:00. Okay. All right.

And it doesn't fulfill me. Can we focus? Focus, focus.

Focus. But I'm hungry.

Mm. Okay.

So, Rootger,

is there anything else that you want to talk about?

No, everything's great.

I mean, except for that hideous fall I took yesterday.

Okay, well, "hideous" is a strong word, you know.

I mean, I see it more of, like, a "Whoops! I fell. My bad."

Yes, I guess what we really want to know is,

where do you see yourself in the near future?

That's a good question.

Oh, funny you say that.

Lately, I've been thinking,

"What does the future hold for Rootger Vanderkamp?"

"Vanderkamp."

Nice.

And, uh, and what's the answer?

Well, I want to work hard

and take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way.

Oh, yeah. "Take advantage." Okay.

Well, okay, I think we got everything that we needed.

Great.

(GROANING)

This might be easier.

Did you hear that?

Vegetarian? It's not happening.

I can't take people's money.

I mean, I'm not even a lawyer yet.

Oh, the sign says that, in the fine print.

And, darling, it's not about the money.

It is about giving a voice to the voiceless.

As long as they buy pizza.

Yeah, yeah, all you got to do is

sprinkle a little legal knowledge to your fellow man

and rake in your tips.

All right, fine! But just keep it low-key.

Absolutely. Mwah!

All right, who's up?

All right, pal, you got two minutes, okay?

When you hear this... (BELL DINGS)

...session's over, all right?

You move down the line, you collect your slice from the pale-lookin' Brit.

All right. So, what did you guys find out?

Rootger seeing a lawyer?

Well, we followed him all morning.

Yep, male subject observed

entering a medical facility at 0900 hours.

Mott, just give it to me in regular talk, all right? You're not in court.

All right, you want to do it the boring way.

After that, he ate breakfast at a Dutch restaurant.

There was a sign outside that said

"Wooden Shoe Rather Be Eating Stroop Waffles?"

(CHUCKLES)

What? I didn't get it, either.

"Wooden shoe," wooden shoes are famous in Holland.

Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

That's funny!

Okay, okay. Can we focus?

Sorry.

Okay, uh, then he went to an electronics store,

shopping for TVs.

Oh! He's already spending your money.

Then we tracked him to this place in Mineola.

"Roger Dantley, Esquire."

Esquire.

That's a men's magazine.

Seriously?

"Esquire" means "lawyer."

Yes, but Esquire is also a men's magazine.

Good luck with the inheritance.

And I'm really sorry about your stepmom.

(BELL DINGS) Okay, move it along. Enjoy your slice.

Hey, whatever you guys are doing, keep it up.

This is the best lunch hour I've had in years!

Hey, babe, I don't know if I can keep doing this.

I'm really tired.

What are you talking about? You're doing great!

And these people need you.

Plus, look at the chedda.

Well, yeah, that's great, but, I mean,

between waiting tables and giving advice, I'm exhausted.

I don't even know what I'm saying half the time.

Oh, it doesn't matter, so long as it sounds legal-ish.

(CHUCKLES)

Take a break.

Whoa. Where's she going?

She's just a bit tired.

Is she gonna be a problem?

'Cause I'll tell you, there are law students

getting off of buses every day in this town.

Okay, okay, remember, we stick to the plan.

Yeah, the plan is you should've bought insurance.

Yes, and the other plan is not to dump cheese on the floor.

Okay, we know the plan, all right?

We butter him up, we get him to admit he hired a lawyer,

and then we sweet-talk him into not suing us, okay?

Yep. Let's go. All right, come on.

Hey, there he is! Looking good!

Yeah, See? I told you he'd be working.

This guy never stops.

Oh, no, he's an animal. Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I stop at 5:00 every day.

Yes, but up until then, animal, right? Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Nonstop. He's an animal.

Anyway, um, Rootger, we have something

that we would like to give to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that right there.

What is this?

(GASPS)

A gold little monkey on a ribbon!

That's for your extraordinary bravery.

And, more importantly, loyalty.

Ohh!

We call it the Order of the Monkey.

And you're the first recipient.

I don't even have one of those.

Oh, wow.

Here, let me pin it on you.

Okay. Yeah, do it up.

There we go. Look at that.

Wow!

Oh, guys, I'm so honored.

If I could lift my arms, I would hug the both of you.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Okay, he's not letting that go, is he? Mmm.

Yeah, a funny thing happened today.

I saw somebody who looked just like you.

Where was that? Was that Mineola?

Mineola, yes! Mineola.

Were you in Mineola?

Mineola? No.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. I know where I was today.

And it was not Mineola. I hate Mineola.

Hmm. Really?

Why would anybody hate Mineola? I mean, right?

There's good things there. There's, like, delis, ice cream shops...

they got lawyers.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I should go back to work.

Wow, he lied right to our face.

He is definitely suing us.

He made a mockery of the Order of the Monkey.

Really?

I'm worried about Rootger.

Well, yeah. Did you hear his head hit the floor?

Sounded like a burrito hit the side of a van.

Not that. I'm talking about all the legal stuff.

Uh, just so you know, you have 30 seconds left.

But you know what? You're family.

I can reset the timer.

So, what do I do?

Well, if you can get him to sign a liability waiver,

then you're pretty much indemnified.

That's a good thing, right? Yes. Yeah.

That means that he gives up his right to sue you.

Okay, good. How do I get one of those?

Oh, well, there's templates online.

I can just print one out for you. Okay.

FYI.

The printing is not normally included with the slice.

But you are not normal.

All right, so, if I get the paper,

then how do I get him to sign it?

Okay, well, see, that's the hard part,

because legally, he doesn't have to.

But we advise using clear lines of communication when possible.

Yeah, I'm gonna bribe him.

Okay, I didn't hear that.

Yeah.

You're very kind, but what is this for?

Well, the Order of the Monkey medal always comes with a prize.

It's either a, uh, TV or a mini bike.

Oh, I love mini bikes.

Okay, but you got a TV.

Oh, this is wonderful. Yeah.

Yeah, thank you very much. You're welcome.

You know what we should probably do?

You know, maybe we should sign those Monkey Fist papers now that we're here.

Oh! Um, good idea.

I hope I brought them. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. I did. Oh, good. Yeah.

I'll sign mine right now. Okay.

Yeah, hey, and I'll witness for you,

and then I'll sign mine, and then you can witness for me.

Absolutely! There you go.

Here we are. Here we go.

Okay. Yeah.

And then I'll witness.

And then I'll do mine, and then you witness.

Okay. Here we go. VANESSA: Yeah.

What is this?

Oh, this is just a, uh, liability release form,

just for Monkey Fist standard stuff. Yeah.

Just gonna need your Soc and your sig right there.

Uh-huh. I mean, mine was almost fun to sign.

Yeah.

I don't think I can. Why not?

Well, I need my lawyer to go over this first.

I thought you didn't have a lawyer.

I didn't, but now...

You know what? I'm being rude. Let me go get us some tea.

(GROANS)

Did you see that? Soon as he saw that form,

he started sweating like a possum on the beach.

What do we do now?

What we do now is we take the gloves off.

You start filming me. Filming what?

Those stairs and me coming down them.

What if I was to fall down those stairs?

Yes. He has a slip-and-fall on us, we have one on him.

What's up? Double, double. "What's up?"

That's right, sister.

Here we go.

Oh.

I got us some tea, but also if you want a nice, cold beer,

I have that, too.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to impair myself, you know.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm completely free of alcohol.

Mmm!

This cheese is interesting.

Yeah, it's nagelkaas.

You either love it or you hate it.

Well, I love it.

Anyway, I tried some, boy, and it got me in the wrong way.

You know what it is? I'm lactose-intolerant.

And, like, it had a thing.

And, uh, I just need a bathroom,

like, a private bathroom. It's running through me.

Okay. Go upstairs on the right.

Thanks. Yeah.

(WHISPERS) Showtime.

Oh, you sure have a crapload of these things.

Hummels. Yes.

My tante and I have been collecting them for years.

They mean the world to us.

Much like you and Kevin.

Oh. You've been very kind to me.

Thank you, Rootger.

Yeah, I mean, look, the medal, now the TV.

I need to tell you something.

What?

The other day, when you asked me

if I was seeing a lawyer...

I lied.

Truth is, I am.

You did see me in Mineola.

Oh, and I love Mineola.

I knew it.

It's an immigration lawyer, you know.

I'm having some issues with my citizenship.

And I was afraid you would fire me.

Wait. Wait.

So you're not gonna sue us?

Sue you?

(CHUCKLES) You're my friends.

You hired me in my darkest hour.

Oh!

You help me to fly.

Oh! Rootger!

Honey, that is so sweet.

KEVIN: Okay, coming down.

Oh! No, no, no! Kevin, wait!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Okay, guys, we had a strange couple days,

you know, we lost a few hummels,

but we learned a lot about trusting each other.

So...to trust!

ALL: Trust! All right.

And to say "Thank you" for sponsoring my citizenship,

I bought nagelkaas for everyone.

Oh, no. Not that crappy cheese?

No, no, that one in my house was expired.

You know, that's why it tasted like duck feet.

Oh! Okay.

Goody, do me a favor, just grab the cheese.

All right, you got it. KEVIN: Okay.

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(GLASS SHATTERS, THUD) Ooh!

He hit his head on the microwave.

Do we have insurance? Yeah, we're covered.

Yes!

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing, go bust your move

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Oh, yeah

* Don't want no high-heel shoes

* I just don't want no...